the perfect year

the perfect year
Bring out the old, bring in the new
A new years wish, to share with you

Before we play some dangerous game
Before we fan some harmless flame
We have to ask if this is wise
And if the game is worth the prize

Let's wait and see, it may just be the perfect year

It's New Year's Eve, and hope are high
Dance one year in, kiss one good-bye

Another chance, another start
So many dreams to tease the heart.

random rubbish from raving mind ;)

"million dreams, none realised
million friends, no one to talk to
3 cars and a mercedes, nothing to eat"

weird lines I know
just popped up in my head
spoke to my mom after a month yesterday
sometimes it all seems so artificial
every conversation, every relationship
nothing means anything - sab chalta hai
everything is like a filler
nothing is real if you really think about it
right now i dont think there is a single person in the whole world who knows whats going on
whom u can talk to - i mean really talk - not some pc - not some random noise
as a long lost ex friend used to say a backup lean-ee

people take everything u say at face value
but ofcourse - what else should they do
no perception ... a curse or a boon ...

is life like that? ur train makes an unscheduled halt
ur stuck in an unknown unexpected place for a day or two with no way out till the train moves again
u got a whole lot of people at the station and some who were on the train
some people outside the station - who live in that town
some other people passing through the station on other trains
you know you are stuck here for sometime
you have to pass that time somehow - anyhow - as well as you possibly hcan
some people set out to see as much as they can of the place
some business minded guy to chk out the shops and mkts
a beautiful babe chks out all the men and starts admirer collecting
ur stuck here for a bit - make the best u can of the time
that means something diff to everyone
but is that all it is ...
if not then what is it
how can you reach out and find an understanding of what
i want to know. i need to know
what does it all mean
can we not find out before its over?

my weekend

its sunday night again
why does the weekend pass so swiftly

i havent called home for ages

i had a very happening weekend by my stds

cooked lunch for dada / kams / nirmal on saturday
puri chicken daal chawal

then in the evening went on "prero's night out" ... It was great
got a lot of good books from the library and saw a whole lot of movies
psycho, braveheart, english patient and gonna see chalte chalte!

and I went for two walks ... one late at night - at 9 - went for an hour and by the graveyard
it wasnt spooky at all .... it was very peaceful and serene and silent in the moonlight
and anothet in the morning ... watched a sunrise.
beautiful, red, molten and tender and graceful. a blushing sky and sweeping winds tinted with bird calls here and there

sure dont wanna go home

the title reminds me I've been of my usual diet supplement of queen for so long now.
been without so many songs I used to keep listening to. Suddenly once in a while I remember something and rush off to download it from somewhere!

its getting colder than ever here. i used to crib so much about the heat - but now, yeow its freezing!
work is crazy right now. get back late and just drop off to bed
check my mails dont reply
check the blog but dont post
im getting lazier than ever!

i drove after ages last night
im still nervous with the car!

im gonna watch remains of a day - think it will be good

i saw jhankar beats
my second hindi movie since feb 2003!
it was so exciting - even though the movie itself wasnt so great
but I liked the two friensd and their constant fooling around
"chance pein dance"

spoke to a very dear friend
after months and months
he maybe coming here soon
hope i wont be leaving before that

i hope i wont be leaving for a long time. man, I so dont want to go
but kya kare - sab khuda ki marzi hain
i was paranoid worrying about it all
but now Ive given up
jo hoga dekha jayega
waise - Ive "come to this conclusion" a million times already
but I always end up worrying about it again, eventually

we grow up, we mature, we see things, we learn, but human beings never grow out of human failings
its very hard to become someone else from who you are. however frustrated you are with yourself

ill always be absent minded, and careless in everything I do
Ill always "forget" to look before I cross
ill always get miserable with selfloathing when the accident happens!
I can neither be efficient and alert - nor bindaas and nonchalent about the repurcussions - bcz Im like this only! kya kare - control hi nahi hota ;)

but seriously ... Im more-or-less happy now
the eclipse has passed. there only one little eyewetter left. overwhelming at times but its like one of those things
like a colicky stomach ache or a bad tooth ache. unfixable. u can just close or eyes feel miserable and wait for it to pass. and its passing - its almost passing away now

Inspite of it all, or maybe because of it all ... Life is so Beautiful

remember when

Remember the feel
of lying on the grass
in the sun?
The warmth soaking
through to your bones
like butter on hot toast?

Remember the feel of gravelly sand
And waves laughing at your feet
and making the gravel soft sinky mud

Remember the feel of wind rushing in your face
when you stic your face
out of a car racing ahead
like the whole of the air is rushing into say hello to your face

Remember how the light from the fire plays across ur face
While we drown in eyepools
And u drag one finger across
merciless yet humble
and watch ...
in awe and power
victory and surrender

Sometimes we let our eyes Make love like that Just the love in our eyes
Sometimes we get tangeld up in arms and legs like that
Sometimes we smile deep inside like that warm with sweet secrets
Sometimes we make love like that ... like a long weary journeys end

disclaimer - i know this post is gloomy and & indigo ... but sometimes its fun to be dark and melancholy ;)

When something flew with the wind and came and fell on ur lap, you tried to gently put it aside.
But it wouldn't go away. It wanted to stay and lay there smiling up into your eyes with the innocent faith
that you will never can never hurt them. that you never could. and its true. you cant. for to hurt them is like
throwing a boomerang in the air, it comes back and hits you in your heart. So you give up and you
hold it close.

As days pass a strange feeling is born & it grows. Your heart stretches so that the something,
so new and foreign just few days ago has now become a part of u. Like an arm, a leg or
a corner of your soul. There is love, but this is more than love. There is friendship, but
this is more than friendship. Its beyond sex, love, fixation, affection, admiration, respect
though it encompasses all this too.

It has no name. It's a feeling of identity or loss of identity, it's the feeling when u sometimes forget
that this is a separate person, apart from urself. it causes you to be more mean to this person than you
could ever be to anyone else at times. it causes you to be more gentle with this person than you could ever
imagine, at times. And sometimes just looking at this one sweetest face, this "another person outside of you", their slightest pain, sorrow, joy, it makes your heart twist and contract.

Why does this happen? this person, this "another person outside of you", has grown into a part of you.
So that they can never again go anywhere or do anything without affecting you too.

How would explain emotion physically? when I feel strong emotion, happiness, joy, sorrow, pain, fear ...
I have a physical feeling in my heart, in my stomach, around my eyes. A contraction, a soreness, a tenderness ...
How would you feel if one of your body parts where you feel things was outside you? If you could take of
your arm and give it to someone else, would you feel pain when it got cut or burnt? How would it feel to hurt
in a place you cant reach out to and touch or clutch at, because its removed from you ... far away?

And then time comes when that which came flying in the summer wind and landed on your lap one day, it gets
restless and starts to stir again. The season has rolled round to summer again. The wind one which it had flown
is back. and it wants to fly again. Like a little red feather fluttering in the wind, it can land in ur hand for a while
but you cant hold it there forever. You have to open your palms and let it go when the wind will call it again.
But you have let it grow into you. Or you have let yourself grow into it. But still you have to let it go ...
cut open your heart and let it fly out again. Your heart will bleed. Your eys will bleed. Your soul will cry & howl
like roaring winds in a wild desert night.

But if your heart was true & your love was real, you will let it go. You will smile and laugh and joke, so the journey of
your little feather is not made heavy with ur tears.

But sometimes when you are alone, you will find yourself staring vacantly into space. You will feel a emptyness like a
black still empty room. And suddenly you will break down and cry. You will scream and shout and cry out
into the empty room. Your whole body will shake and ur whole sould will tremble and quake with the fear.
The greatest fear of all ... how will I survive this. Someday, long after, when they are all gone and there is no one left
to see you gone weak. you will stand in the empty room, clutch the posts of the bed and wail into the silence.
much, much later. too late to sadden the little ones flight.

thanks giving

after weeks of planning and looking forward to and all that jazz - our lady starfest was finally here
i went to pick her up with vague fears of "what if its really awkward"
while me & kams waited we watched everyone female who got off the plane and wondered if it could be her!
but it was cool ... we started yapping from moment one with no silentfirstmoment at all!

the trip wasnt as eventful as could have been hoped for bcz I still cant drive to save my life
but we did get soaked up in the spirits quite a bit ;)
but it was wonderful wonderful to finally meet somone u have spoken to and communicated with and felt close to for so long without really knowing them in person! and after my long stint here with not many close friends around it was amazing to have another person in the house!

other than that thanksgiving was quaint and (ful)filling with a massive lunch at a friend/client's house
best part of which for me was that I got within petting distance of a dog after months!

i felt a little bad as star left - and the house seemed so quiet after I got back from the airport!
but almost immediately I hit the sack and was lost deep in sleep.

it was great meeting star! now I really hope I get to meet Di before I leave :)


I looked ur way
with my heart in my eyes
my soul melted in a puddle at my feet
and wondered why
you dont love me
like the way you did before
and what could I do
to make your love grow
once more
cause Id do anything
anything at all
though I know
I deserve nothing
and how can I say to you
give it back to me
how could I even look in ur eyes
and smile
like the way I used to do
when you loved me
the way you used to
could I but run back to that moment
once more

its all happening

what a day
my house guest arrives tomorrow night
I need to cook and clean and a 1000 other things before she arrives
my house is dirtier than the proverbial pigsty!
and Im in one of my "living at work" phases
blimey! what luck!
onthe brighter side - the dll error is fixed
but the actual background operation is still not getting down
minor glitch for major heroes!
i gave up today - will take up battle again tomorrow ...
slept at 4 am last night! woke up to bach on the radio at 8 am ... half an hour late for work
so tonight Im taking no chances and I shall settle down with my book as indecently early as half 10 ;)
i set out for freedom
with a destination to aim for
i lost my way soon enough
down serendipitous roads
and found myself
in the jungle of your love

fire and ice
pleasure and penance
hardship and reward
father, child, god
i found everything in you

and now Im losing it all
all over again
what can I do
but smile through the pain

but its hard to be brave
and sometimes I still cry
time enough for tears
when ur finally gone
i must somehow keep smiling
while im still in your arms

hearts can love
but hearts cant hold
when the loved one grows restive
you've got to let him go
uve got to let go

but inside my heart
while u hold me strong
a wild cry shouts a storm
'dont go. dont leave me. else I shall die'
its all I can do to keep it mute
while I smile bright and say 'Ill love you'

my heart will stay
like mirror undisturbed
frozen, hidden, a reflection of your eyes
caught in the moment you passed me by
on your long and forward road


its so cold
its so so cold
i thought texas was supposed to be hot all the time!
oh god ... Im sorry for all the times I cribbed about the heat
im frozen upto my eyeballs :)

it was colder in the last place i was
but it was cold all the time so i was used to it

here it alternates between the two extremes
and totally unsettles me
u need to check the weather forecast before dressing up!

at work - Im going nuts with my calling a vc dll from vb trick
everything is nicely declared and set out still the idiot keeps saying 'cant find function' ... its so maddening!

tell me when

tell me Ill get over you?
one day, sooner or later
tell me my heart wont twist and writhe like this
one day, sooner or later
tell me Ill be like before
one day, sooner or later

tell me i wont freeze when theres a knock on the door
thinking it just might be you
tell me my heart wont jump when the phone rings
thinking it just might be you
tell me each day wont be a burden
to get through somehow. to be put behind

someday ahead i'll be able to think
of ur face without weeping pain
someday ahead i'll be able to tell someone
about you and all my love meant
someday ahead i'll be able to smile peacefully
in fond remembrance of a sweet time past

u just dont care, that must be it
they were all lies u told me
nothing else could explain it.
why did u tell me u loved me
its been a long time since I stayed up till 4 just like
there was a time when it was routine
i had forgotten how beautiful the world is just then
like the whole world is paused
and ur beautifully, alone ... it seemed like a such a pure feeling

i saw the city of angels
it moved me
cant say more

when i was a child i believed in something without knowing exactly what it was, without thinking, analysing
now Im thinking
for the last few weeks this has been on my mind
'why do we live'? whats the point? what for?
in the whole world
there are so many people living right now
different worlds
different lives
doing things, feeling things, wanting getting losing trying failing succeeding ... whats the point? what for?

i asked a lot of people and got different answers
asked myself and found just silence
i guess by the time i understand it it will be over

fever dog

sitting in the dark
listening to fever dog and
at full blast

shopped after ages today
not that Im in money again
but what the heck ;)
it was a celebration

im all out of words!
how much soppy poetry can one person write

after years of wanting and waiting
i atlast got hold of "almost famous" & today"city of angels"
now what Im dying to see "high fidelity"

she was named for a beatles song ...

does our name have any connection with the kind of person we are? I wonder ...
she was named after a beatles song her parents liked
and strangely she reminds me of the song ... shes sweet and funny and light and serious and crazy all at the same time.
but above all the things, good and a whole lot of fun!
flitting between being "all grown up" and totally a kiddo!
when I first came to know her I liked talking to her because she totally reminded me of my sister
my sister is 10 years younger and inpite of all her "maturity" will always be a baby in my eyes
and we are so different yet so similar, and that it feels like looking at my reflection thrown back 10 years in time

she gave me a sense of having friends and not being "all alone"
when I was really low more isolated from people i care for than ever before

she was probably the first person ever I got friendly with online
and its strange that Im such good friends with someone Ive never even met!
but then life is strange ...

Happy Birthday Kiddo ... hope your special day is as wonderful as U :)
What would you do if i flirted with you?
What would you do if didnt hold back

What would you do if I smiled at you like that
And if I didnt look away when our eyes clashed

What would u do if I stepped into ur eyes
And sank deep down into ur soul?

What would you do
If I wasnt kind with you

If I made ur head spin, like I know how ....
What would u do with me then?

roaming feet and a gypsy heart

DISCLAIMER *** I talk like this. Its just a manner I have. I am NOT dying of grief. just dreaming up silly pomes in my empty hours bcz Im BORED! ***

ive got a restless feeling i cant shake off
it happens often when I know disaster is on its way ...
I have a wellcomeonandgetoverwith it feeling
atleast once its over u can start the dealing with it

maybe thats why they say the scorpio's true sign is the phoenix

i need to stop reading for a while. or thinking. or dreaming ... "yet must i think less wildly"
i need to do one of my rare and tiny waking up to the real world stunts :)

"its too late ive been standing here frozen in my path looking at you
its too late you've held me enraptued
caught in the fey hours between night and day
too long have i trembled in the circle of ur arms
and cried vapour tears because u held back
u say it over and over
in that final hour
but so many shades of love as there are
how do you love me, thats what i fear
but whatever the reason ur leaving soon
and perhaps its for the best
how lonmg could this have gone on
how long lie frozen , a torn petal in your palm
how long safe and trembling with fear
how long molten, a shadow behind the far recesses of your eyes
but to leave you would be like cutiing out my heart
thank god you're leaving me"

for the worlds cutest kid, wherever he may be ...

"I ain't ever gonna let you down
All you gotta do is trust me
I would never make you some clown
Baby why won't you trust me
You give up so easily, I don't know why you can't see
I'm depending on you, don't let me down
I'm depending on you"

TOM PETTY, Depending on you

love, actually

went to see the movie last night
and fell in love again

for many years now ive been in love with someone
hes wonderful, and serious and strong ... and when he smiles he can light up the world like a million stars ...
theres only one hitch ... he's married
his name is collin firth

i also liked another man ... had a kind of a soft corner for him for ever since I knew him
very charming, but of course he's not as magnificent as collin
he's not married, but he is seeing someone (or the other)
his name is hugh grant

but yesterday ... at the movies I met this guy swept my heart away and made me forget them all ... Thomas Sangster!!!

just kidding ... this blokes really young ... about 12 at the most but he is so ... I guess Cool is the only word!
actually I fell in love someone else yesterday ... andrew lincoln
he is The One and I think I will love him Forever (unless perhaps, if Collin gets a divorce)
Atlast, my love has come along ...

waking up to the rain chatter on the roof while the wind chimes laugh amused ...

it rained all night
i didnt know
woke up to that freshly scrubbed look everywhere outside
the wind was stirring up a symphony on the wind chimes
the clouds were sweet and fluffy
the birds were screeming at the top of their lungs and so I woke up :)

i was late for my 9 oclock and missed it totally
damn! had to go and get my car back. now I dont know when I will

movie marathon and river beer last night
saw 'almost famous' again & 'hunchback of noterdam' & 'the importance of being ernest'
the first and the last Im in love with. the inbetween one was okay types. very sad

i got 3 parcels yesterday
one from my parents and one from my friend and a card
i cant explain in the post just how excited I was ... so Ill drop it.
then this morning I got a belated happy birthday from my best pal

ive never made friends online before & i was very skeptical about the whole concept
but these guys ... di, mich, pom, anu
they are all just so amazing that they make me once again stop and wonder what i so often wondered in the past ... 'bad as i am i must have done something decent somewhere to deserve friends like i have'

where does this road lead to, I fear, I hesitate, Yet Im drawn to move on, By a voice echoing in my head that home is somewhere ahead

its such a beautiful day
reminds me of the days in uk
sometimes I think those were the nicest days in my life
not, ofcourse that these days are not nice
maybe its just that days, places and people grow more "nice" in hindsight ;)

the winds are blowing strong and true
reminds me of one of my favourite songs ...
winds of change are blowing strong and true ... babe u aint seen nothing like me yet
and they are cool and wet with moisture
the sky is fuzzy with pale grey clouds
and everything looks like its backlit with a silver glow
theres a strange light in the sky today
and a stranger light in my eyes
its such a beautiful world

sometimes for some reason some stray set of words from a book or movie or a song will sometimes stick in my head and pop up from time to time ... is there a reason? is it some little imp inside telling me something? or random recordings and playbacks ...

today is from sense and sensibility .... (Elinor) Did he tell you he loved you? (Marianne) Yes... no. Never absolutely. It was everyday implied but never declared.

(Elinor)I do not attempt to deny, that I think very highly of him - that I greatly esteem, that I like him.
(Marianne)Esteem him! Like him! Cold hearted Elinor! Oh! Worse than cold hearted! Ashamed of being otherwise.

I loved that movie. I identified with her (the elder sister) SO much ... (Elinor) What do you know of my heart? What do you know of anything but your own suffering. For weeks, Marianne, I've had this pressing on me without being at liberty to discuss it with a single soul. Having it forced on me by the very person whose prior claims laid ruin to all my hopes. I have endured her exultations again and again whilst knowing myself to be divided from Edward forever. Believe me, Marianne, had I not been bound to silence I could have provided proof enough of a broken heart, even for you.

anyway ... ad requiem ... I must get moving now
BIG implementation this weekend :)

how do you weigh disillusionment
how measure fear or pain
who is to say
who is right ... in this crazy world we live in?

im just a ghost
The spirit that lingers
The heart and soul died long ago

So then there must be something outside the heart
that feels the pain

or how could it still hurt

Im stumbling on a step at a time
as if it would be fatal to pause

who knows where I go or why
certainly not I :)

get by with a little help from my friends

so so day at work
kind of hectic
now the implementation date for my project is almost here so its pretty crazy
there will be fireworks when this baby flies
there are so many interfaces its crazy
and no one has track of them all!

had a parcel problem today
my dads sent me a parcel but I keep missing the postman and they wont leave it at the apartmentoffice
damn ...

went to the new cafeteria at work
but it was closed!
suddenly Im dying to eat chinese ...

theres a storm raging outside
really big time
im glad I moved all my plants inside yesterday!
the little ones keep falling over
the wind chimes are ringing up an orchestra
I love the glass one I got here this time
and I miss the wooden ones I left at home ....

such then, is life :)

an old pome

These eyes have seen
such dirt in mans heart
These eyes have been
To hell & then back
These eyes have cried
These eyes have burned
And yet at times
These eyes dream of love
last night he came to me as I lay asleep
it seemed so beautiful, just like a dream

he brushed my face with his lips
and as I woke he held me close

he sat near me on the bed
and whispering soft he said,

my silly angel ... you were waiting for me!
Im in your heart and Ill always be

just close ur eyes
and ull feel me

i woke up and rubbed my eyes
it was such a crazy dream

all the world is still asleep
such crazy thoughts and crazy dreams


it was that time of the year again
once again, I was dreading it
By nature, Im ridiculously excited / touchy about my birthday and painfully ashamed of so being
I hadnt made new friends here. Old ones were so far away
Who would wish me, forget making a fuss

"Birthday eve" was Kams bday. Spent the whole day making kheer for him
Then I called up my erstwhile BPal in the afternoon who broke my heart cz he had forgotten bday then melted the edges and put it back together by playing "yellow" for me ... all this over an cardless ISD

Evening Kams and me went for coffee ... which turned into coffee + drive ... which turned into coffee + drive + 1 drink each ... which turned into coffee + drive + 3 drinks each :)

Half an hour before THE day officially began i got a call from Subir
And I indignantly told him it wasnt Time yet :)

Ever since then it was amost one continuous call ... kams, baba, asmita, shubir, juls, chatts, debanjan, anu, mich, diya, mom, rahul bhaiya, rahul dost, taj, paramita di. Then I got SO many sms's. And ecards ... a exquisite one from debanjan, a cute one from richa and a really funny one from emma and a sweet one from Lamya ... to crown everything a sms from Ma in the (my) morning saying "wake up my newly born ugly duckling ... rise and go quack quack"!!! I got a mail from the hobgoblin ... and just when I was giving up on her ... a mail from Pills! I kept checking my blog all day and I got so many wishes on the blog. And there was Mich and Pom's wishes on their. Oh my gawd ... it was such a beautiful day! :) THANK YOU all of you ... So Much :)

In the evening, Kams came over and we just sat and yapped. he got me the most beautiful card in the world and bought me the exact shade of lipstick Id been searching for for years :) God knows how he found it! And he bought me some lots of more stuff as well :) Makes u feel like ... what did I do to deserve so much love and affection!

I had some bad news at work and was pretty upset about it. Im probably gonna be leaving in Feb. Its sudden and its gonna be a problem financially cz I gotto pay back my car loan before then. But though Im upset about it Id be way more upset to stay behind after Kams has gone .... cz I dont know any one else and totally cant barely-bear anyone else here at work ... so Im more scared of them sending him off and then deciding not to send me back. I wanna get out of here. Dont wanna go home really, but I wanna get out of here for sure. I need to think really hard and figure out exactly what I want before I make the slightest move. Somehow I got this deepdownunder feeling that its really important ... what do I want what do I want what do I want?

One of our colleagues here invited us all for Thanksgiving dinner. That really touched me. Because most of the clients here are pretty aloof. In a whole year this is the first time Im seeing someone being friendly in a personal way ... so to speak!

It seems that I really get along with scorps and piesces ... Ive SO many march and nov bdays!
This ones for the scorps .... club scorpio

As usual at night after everyone had left and all I couldnt sleep so I thought I'll write a pome on my bday ... like our dear buddha pm ... but then I thought since I write one every (nonbirth)day anyway ... I might as well give it a break today. so I cleaned up my home page and the pink pages and chatted with Arun the kiddo! For no worthwhile reason ... thats reminds me of the quotation "love means making exceptions"

a dream

you kissed a nerve and my pulse raced
u brushed my hair from my face
you smiled and my heart paused
you melted down into my eyes, deep down inside
i shuddered, shivered, and awoke
these forever dreams, dreams of you

im wading through these clouds of days
shrouded in a humdrum daze
i walk ahead with only one hope
where the road ends, and it all begins
ill find you somehow
no matter where, no matter how

a mystery forever, who are you
i search for you in every face
i poke into every heart
looking for that feel of yours
mystery be solved, the end be here
i cant wait much longer, anymore

the community pool in the deep of the night

floating half asleep
the water velvet below
cool, dark bed blue green
i watch the moonlights glow
a hushed rustle fills the air
in a distance the fountain sings alone
the evening breeze rings the wind chimes
a deep rumbling solemn song
all the people asleep in their homes
dreaming their soft dreamy little dreams
god bless everyone
its such a beautiful world


I lost my icard today
Thats a 100 bucks down the drain if I dont find it by tomorrow
Charecteristically, I think I wont

Went to the library after work
Id thought that Id reissued all the books online
But apparently Id missed one ...
The tiny 'of mice and men' cost me a hefty fine

The code was fixed but there are two more in cue
Marked up as MAJOR and we exit system test noon tomorrow

My best friend is lost in action

No news yet of the leave in Dec

Thanks to having to avoid X, Ive ended up putting myself in isolation at work moreorless

The newcuteguy (not the startbucks one) is lining the cutebabe

Teddy is settling beautifully into his idyllic relationship
And I havent heard from him in eons

My gran fractured her arm

My leg is doing poorly ... the old 'accident' trying to remind me of its fading existence

The car is in the body shop and will be way past the 10th

No one will be in town for my bday

baaki sab theek hai

manic monday

crazy program
just wouldnt work
against all logic :)
applied the david hall 5minpanicrule - used up my entire stock of abuses (inaudibly)
and then looked at it again .... sure enough - Id coded one replace too few ...
bug fixed
breathe again
came home
jumped into bed - had to make up for the fact that i was up till 3 last night
oncall :(
this is 8PM ish
chatted with the "little angels"
now they're all asleep and I'm surfing the library website like a nut and 2 am
gawd! my life is crazy - how will I survive it!

I had the most delicious weekend
Im going through one of my I-couldn't-give-a-shit-phases
so all attempts at frowning self discipline and self-censure have been trashed temporarily
till the next I'll-be-a-good-girl if it kills me phase comes knocking

i watched movies till 2 am on friday
stuffed my face shamelessly
called up assorted friends back home
then read a new book till 5 am
watched the sky for a bit
wrote some soppy poetry
then slept peacefully till way past noon

at about 1:30 I shamelessly ate one of my BIG WEEKEND BREAKFASTS
went back to bed with another new book
sleptr and read on and off all day
went out to starbucks in the evening and saw two of the most handsome men Ive seen in a while
then came back
cleaned the house at a big dinner with some nice wine
wrote some very long letters
and then watched Come September
then read some more
woke up early (11am) on Sunday
did some more cleaning and then lazed blissfully for the rest of sunday
and went to bed with a nice book and hot chocolate
what a weekend :)
I had the most delicious weekend
Im going through one of my I-couldnt-give-a-shit-phases
so all attempts at frowning self discipline and self-censure have been trashed temporarily
till the next I'll-be-a-good-girl if it kills me phase comes knocking

i watched movies till 2 am on friday
stuffed my face shamelessly
called up assorted friends back home
then read a new book till 5 am
watched the sky for a bit
wrote some soppy poetry
then slept peacfully till way past noon

at about 1:30 I shamelessly ate one of my BIG WEEKEND BREAKFASTS
went back to bed with another new book
sleptr and read on and off all day
went out to starbucks in the evening and saw two of the most handsome men Ive seen in a while
then came back
cleaned the house at a big dinner with some nice wine
wrote some very long letters
and then watched come september
then read some more
woke up early (11am) on sunday
did some more cleaning and then lazed blissfully for the rest of sunday
and went to bed with a nice book and hot choclate
what a weekend :)

who do you need, who do you want, when you come undone

I'd thought of this once before. The songs that suddenly pop up like background music in ur head ... they come up there for a reason. Maybe its something / someone deep down inside telling you something.

Once I was having a fight with a freind. For some obscure reason the words kept playing in my head "this might be a devillish ploy but its one way to bring these proceedings to and end". Another time, the music of the song "amazing" kept ringing in my head ... I was going on my first onsite assignment ... it was an unbelievable feeling.
Couple of times since yesterday I keep hearing "and they'll all come to greet me ..." Oh man! This is crazy! I dont even know if its gonna happen yet and Im desperately trying to keep myself from getting excited. I keep having involuntary flashes in my head. The sights, the smells, feelings ...

I dont understand why. Ive been away from home for much longer periods without feeling the slightest thing, so why am I acting like the 'castaway'!!! Maybe bcz so much has happened since I came here! I cant blv its just been a few months. What a grand unholy mess Ive made :)

No its different here from what it was in the UK. Everything is totally different. I did stuff there. I had friends. Ma cameover 3 times and Baba came over 3 or 4 times. Konkon came once. We used to go out to places. We went out in the weekends. There were other people in team. We all went for lucnh together. There was the city that was so magical. So beautiful. The library. The river. The club. The rowing. The dojo. There was Emma and her cute little car and all those faraway countryside pubs we went to. There was the damn. We often went over deep in the night - just push off on impulse. Dark village-ish roads. Bordered by trees and stone walls. A lone cyclist suddenly appears by the side of the car. You crack jokes ... "did u notice if his feet were facing the right direction" ... Suddenly theres that quiet swishing sound in the dark. And you know your almost there. lean on the wall and watch the silver blue ... above and below. 2 ciggerettes. And then back home again. I used to be tired. But we used to have so much fun!

I keep telling myself that its just that its all so new here. Once I settle down and get to know people and stuff everything will be fine. But its not really happening. Theres something about this place. Its dry. I got to know a lot of people. Different people doing different things in different cities and states ... but so many of them seem to be so lonely. Its almost a common denominator. You make tonns of friends to hang out with but theres no real bonding with anyone. Maybe its the island culture :)

But all this is just crappy hallucinations of an insane-ish mind. Have you ever felt that if someone knew what I was thinking they would lock me up? I do more and more frequently.

When I was in Pune for my BE while the rest of my gang was back in Cal ... I thought I missed Cal so much. When I came back 4 years later, I realised I what I had missed was a time and not a place. A time of carelessness. A time of irresponsible exhilarating blissfull ignorance. A time when nothing matted except what Im gonna do for new years or what chapters to skip for the next exam or how sad Mrs D'Silva in LSP looked yesterday. Go to school come back, do home work, do interact duties ... and your quota of being good is done and over. For the rest of the time you can do whatever the hell you want and not think twice about it. When the worst that could happen was that Ma would Shout. When there were no troubles which I couldnt tell Chatts or feel scared to start crying over ... lest I could never stop.

wood fairy pome

so now you tell me you love me!
& what good will it ever do?
and now you say you want me,
you should have told me that before.
when the slender rainbow
quivered on the little lake
in the forest
that night, when you came to me,
you should have told me then.
or on that other day
flushed with the delicate peach of dawn
u held my face, in your hands, afterwards
and kissed my eyes, with your sweet mouth
and i took a trip to heaven
you should have told me then
and remember the other day
when i said I wanted to walk barefeet in the grass,
and kicked my shoes away
you laughed at me, i tried to get mad
but I never could or not for too long, soon Id be melting again
and you always could tell just when
you should have told me then
later anyway, I cried my self to sleep
so often did I weep
and each time a tear fell
I found a new excuse to tell
But every wouldve been okay
You shouldve said all this that day

bloggers block

cant think of anything to write right now - or atleast nothing that seems just right. Right, then can anyone think of anything inspiring. It wouldnt be right to say that nothingsbldyhappeningsowhatdoi write about. Plenty happening allright. But doesnt feel right to write about all that. atleast not right here ... got that, right?

lol ... never done that on my own before! dedications ... mybestfriend
as luck would have it when he was here I was there and now he is there and I am here
long live the king of indian sw companies
theres a pattern to the postings ... ur never where u wanna be

well its rolling round to winter again!
heading on 8 months since i came here. it passed in a flash!
seems like yesterday that I came here like a refuge / fugitive
with two big suitcases (in one of which was hidden a HUGE teddy bear called Floppy)
didnt know a soul / didnt have any address to go to ... I just knew that 'somone' was supposed to pick me up at the airport and take me 'somewhere' ... my trust-abilty being as low as it is - that really gave me the creeps ... what if he just forgot!!! lol ...

in all my previous assignments we were given the name of a hotel and just had to get ourselves there. scary, but the only screwups u gotto watchout for r ur own.

anyway ... the temperature here nosedived this diwali weekend. It went from chennaiinsummer hot to delhiinwinter cold
makes everything around feel a bit like it was when I came here in Feb. thats what set me off on my nostalgia trip. so much has happened. so much has changed ... some good, some bad ... but all so BIG! I feel like Im another person totally from the one who left home! I guess Ive never been on my own before in the true sense. always had a lot of friends and my friends are usually the shutandsithereilltakecareofyou type ... I guess I feel all grown up and on my own here :)


Yet how well we are coming along ...
All big & grown up now.
Almost all done.
If we still cry,
If inside
We're still sometimes shy
It rarely ever shows
Now nobody knows,
The child hides behind the walls of darkness
And plays in the sunshine inside!

new look

all credits go to Mich ... she did it all for me
and the whole idea of the change was also her idea

unlike the little prince's flower ... i didnt have the patience to spend hours arranging my petals and just burst out into the asap ... so I am still a bit messed up ... will keep tweaking it as and when. The zonkie will be temporarily missing :)

stoned immaculate

did some serious drinking after a seriously long time last night
im a bit mad at myself, but I guess it could have been worse
when I get inebriated i usually just go off to sleep peacefully
which I did last night as well
but unfortuneately ... before that I talk ... and true to form thats what I did last night
i confessed things to kams the thing never ever wanted him to know ...
namely ... the fact that I got locked out of my AGAIN on diwali morning and had to call popalock :)
bcz I was so scared of getting blasted like dynamite (scorp tempers rnt even in their own control)

but then again ... what r confessions for if not to be spilled out to our closest pals whome we love & trust so much ...
who treat our deepest fears and pain so gently ... so carefully
and softly hold us in their hearts till we r strong again and then set us free to fly again

guess Im talking of kams and popalock ... but thinking of all my friends across space, time and media ... and all the times Ive thanked god for my friends. Im not making much sense right now ... will, after the remaining dregs of scotch running in my veins clear up ...

song in my head ...

Come over here
All you got is this moment
The 21st Century's yesterday
You can care all you want
Everybody does yeah that's okay
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight
Cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do babe
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
So slide over here
And give me a moment
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind

Inxs Need You Tonight

"have you ever felt just a pure raw attraction ... no logic, no explanations, no control u cant damp it down, u cant figure it out, u cant give in, u cant give out ... alll u know is that there is this human existence which has been refracted through the mirrors of time and space till its mirrored and echoed in inside ur head"
Ray S. Guelph

secret wish list ....

a new windshield for free
a new door lock
new lenses ... or a laser treatment
for baba, ma & tupi, leo to get 'alright' and live on :)
learn to look cool when Im shitting bricks
not get scared when I meet new people
being more open with everyone about certain things ... like how much they are pissing me off
jinx and chatto :)
become thin ... skinny ... like barely there :)
wakeup and find that by some strange magic Ive become nice looking
a guy ... my true love ... to appear by magic
a sense of direction (i mean geographically ... primarily)
to be assigned to germany / new zealand / china and south america
then spain
to get a dream job
to go through a week without being told "why are you so irresponsible" or "which world do you live in" or "how COULD you do something like that" or "when will u learn to take your life seriously"
stop losing my temper all the time but learn how to stay mad at people who r mean to me
lose the teddy fixation

i could go on ... but one should be reasonable ... lol

listening to ... a blast from the past - we used to hear this in school ...
All at once,
I finally took a moment and I'm realizing that
Your not coming back
And it finally hit me all at once
All at once,
I started counting teardrops and at least a million fell
My eyes began to swell,
And all my dreams were shattered all at once

Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone
All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely see
Wishing you'd come back to me
And that's all that matters now
All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories
And it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows
All at once

All at once,
I looked around and found that you were with another love
In someone else's arms,
And all my dreams were shattered, all at once
All at once
The smile that used to greet me brightened someone else's day
She took your smile away
And left me with just memories, all at once


Im blank
and Im out of quizzilla
i begged everyone to inspire me but no one obliged

what do I write about?
my life is singularly non happening right now

winter is coming on
even this oven zone is getting a bit cooler than usual
only thing on my mind now is will I wont I ... get leave to go to cal in dec

if u wanna see cal u gotto see it in dec ... it'll blow ur mind. The parties, the evenings, nights, the I cant wait :)

Im a Goddess

I must admit that I cheated a bit. I was a VAMPIRE ... which was all very exciting but it said "ur so sensible" in the description and I HATE being called "sensible" ... so I did the quiz again and lo and behold ... I was a Goddes!
Qizzilla is NUTS!

You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

the conflict

the weather is so awesome here these days ... i feel like falling in love :)

had an interesting argument with mich ... to tell or not to tell! the debate is on if u have a crush on someone, should u tell him? i feel that for all u know its just a passing thing and will evaporate before u know it! and u will be gladder that u kept shut. i have atleast 1 very very good friend whome I had a crazy crush on and kept shut and later when we became such good friends I was so glad I kept shut bcz no loveshove could have been nicer than what we now have ... and crushes are so often just illusions

chatting with my sis. she's such an angel. she is good natured and strong minded and talented ... gawd how cud she be mine!
and after all we've been throug ... she is still so un-bitter and sweet ...

im addicted to 'falling at your feet' and 'only love breaks ur heart'

im driving around a bit now

im in love ... with a angel in the shop below my office
its white porceline and stands with hands folded and head bowed
like she has done something disgraceful, but just could not help herself ... and now she is so sad ... but still does not regret it really ... but she is so sad ...
its taken my heart :)

paradox asked about choices. why do we feel sad when we knew what we were getting into when we were making the choices ... i dont know. we are walking along life with no road map. at each point that the road forks, we take one of the roads ... why? is it always a conscious decision? sometimes the other road is blocked, sometimes u meet someone cute and while talking to them u dont notice and unconsciously take the same turn as them, sometimes u take a bad road just to get rid of someone who u fell in with who turned out to be irritating ... sometimes ur just lost in thought and take a random road ... how conscious are we and how much percent of the time? these forks come up 24/7/4/12 ... and every year :)

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds,
"What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.......

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen."
Bobby - age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - Age 5

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
listening to ...
Everyone who needs a friend
Every life that has no end
Every knee not ready to bend
Is falling, falling at your feet
I've come crawling, now I'm falling at your feet

and madcap laughs

Ive paused, Ive frozen, what can I say ... where have I lost myself. I miss me, that used to be, so much that it hurts
I cant even cry ... the tears are frozen too. I am amber ... in the glittering beads in a big smooth palm ... frozen in this moment of time ... the butterfly trapped in the amber that paused ... today it owes its entire existence to the very same thing that crushes and imprisons it ... forever ... it will never escape

But I drove so far today ... lol ... by my stds! took the car to a mechanic. full office return traffic :) gawd I was so nervous .... and I remembered what jinx said and started laughing. dec is so far away ...

a dumb poem

like a snapshot of a moment in ur mind
like yeaterday that will never come back
like a bird on a rock. who hasnt learned to fly
like time thats stopped while everything else rushes by ...

one moment at a time
and the crash will kill gently

like the first second when u jolt awake from a dream
like when mid summer thursday afternoon

u & i
born of the same one cry in the night
u & i
born of the same pain, the same joy

2 lone leaves quiver on a bare lifeless tree

one call of the wind and we flew away ... dancing, enraptured, maddened by the sirens evil song
and were lost in the racing gales of life forever,
and the one last song that fell from our lips yesterday tumbled & tripped and faded
in the empty corridors of time


by the cold and religious we were taken in hand
shown how to feel good and told to feel bad

douremembermehowitusedtobedontuthinkweshouldbecloser ... wasituwasitmedidiwatch2muchtv
feeling strange
im such a klutz
its 12:30
cant sleep
feel lost and scared and lonely
sometimes i feel like life is so big and i am so dumb ... mera kya hoga???

why do we do the things we do
why does it affect us so much
why do i ask so many questions ...

anyway ... who cares - kuchh na kuchh toh ho hi jayega
chatted with debanjan. and dins. and rusty. it made me feel better

sometimes i wish i was nicely married
id never have to drive, or do hisaab, or remember bills
just cook and watch tv & sleep & wear nice clothes :)
aaaaaaaaaaah what bliss

lol ... if only it was like that!

aina mujhse meri pehli si suraat mange
me and munal ... we r so similar yet so different
she cant get over how dull and practical i have become
why dont i go out
why dont i go wild
why do i worry
she says .... didi ... u were so crazy (thats supposed to be a compliment) what happened 2 u
i dont know what happened
dont know if its good or bad
i know that that me would perhaps not have survived this life
i know that that me would

but when u try to discipline urself and force feed ur soul into some mould u have visualised u just end up with a retarded spastic heart and mind and a tortured shapeless soul. but the soul never dies, it lingers like a dying fragrance, poised in a reluctant departure. hesitating at the door and waiting, hoping to be called back ...

and as long as the soul remains, is within reach, there is hope. of a new tomorrow .. of a re wakening ...

sometimes i think ... joy is so stubborn ... it will keep butting its silly shameless little head up again and again however u try to push it down ... like a rubber ball in a swimming pool

and sometimes Im amaazed at the crap I can write at 12:45 AM


first bit of good news in so long now ... the gorkha sets new heights :)


it rained all night yesterday
makes the sky so bright today
i run away
for a day
to a hillock near the creek
and a meadow green
then is warm
& i lie down
little flowes are scattered by
blue yellow & bright white
somewhere afar cowbells ring
i can hear some silly bird sing
somehow it all seems peaceful here
for a moment you forget whats there
i close my eyes and dream a dream
where everything will better seem
i close my eyes and dream of you
it wont be much longer now
all the setbacks will fall away
little by little Im getting there


I was born with two left feet
One for the floor and one for my mouth

I had the most beautiful dream a few nights back ...
Its everything the word DREAM means or should mean
I went on a date
With a CUTE and INTERESTING guy who was OLDER than me
He took me to a small house with a small garden ... on a planet ... which contained nothing else!
There was no one else on the planet
Like the planet of the Boabab trees!
It was snowing, and it was deep in the night
and there were so many plants and only one time PURPLE pimpernel flower
which he showed me & told me a interesting longwound story about when we sat in the garden
There were books & music all over the place
before that we went in ... to the nicest kitchen in the world
there was a nice dining table in there and we ate lots of wonderful food
everything was automated ... the dishes came to the table on their own
and were automatically carried off to be washed
I was wearing a nice blue green saree
We went to the garden & sat down to talk. Didnt notice how time flew
We talked till morning

The "flashback to" other "times almost" just the opposite
Me in tattered overalls ... grease and grime all over
The guy is a MAFIA cool-stud
And I am the mechanic/driver of the group
Theres a big robbery and I drive a HUGE car which says its a Jeep but looks like a HUMMER
And I come ... zzzzzzzzzzoom and pick up my 'don' and the others and we ride off into the sunset!


who do you miss when you have a fever
why does a cold make you sad
why do we always feel so sleepy in the morning (when we have to get up)
and not at all at night (when u are finishing the last chapter u will read that day)
why do we get super religious before exams & other problems
whats that strange wrenching feeling you get when someone u love is far away & sad
how do you know you love someone
why does love come in so many varieties (like baskin robbins)
why doesnt love come with labels
why people dont have manuals
why people u "like" never "like" you ... or not the way u want them too

why you like the dumbest stuff on TV before and exam but get bored with the most exciting movies after the exam
why I miss PUCHKA and my Naani so much when Im away from Kolkata but get bored with both the min I get in?

And where Teddy is right now ... :)

when I will meet jinx again
why do I miss him so bad at times :(

when will i see Munal & Tupi & Leo again?

will I like Debanjan as much when I meet him and we are in the same place? will we become great pals or be cool cool? when shall I meet Pills again and sitting & chatting on the footpath edge in Chennai. how can Juls get married without me? will I ever meet sauce again. when will I talk to chatts again. when will I meet ad again

why is it so hard to know people, so easy to misunderstand, so natural to take people you love for granted and think ur paying a compliment and so hard to accept when others take you for granted

why do we like people then get dissapointed when we get to know them better

why am I still nervous when I have to talk to new people about work but not at all when Im just making friends
why do some people scare me so much? why do I avoid confrontations and telling people no and expressing stuff ... and then suddenly one day go BOOM and blow my cool?

Why is Munal such a nut ... and then Ma says we are like delayed twins!
Why is Cal so special ...

How long its been since I have had a REAL hug from a REAL friend

What should I do next?


I FINALLY got my license ... hah hah hah!


whether Im near or far
my heart is still with her
its that time of the year once more
when she haunts me like never before
I close my eyes and she comes to me ...
And in my mind Ill walk her streets

Ekhun amaar Kolkata te, dhaaker shobde akaash bhora
The drums roll like thunder on rainy hilltops in faraway little hamlets with exotic foreign names
Ekhun amaar Kolkata te, koto ronger alo'e alo'e raat ujjol
Like the virgin blush of new beauty, she will be glowing and humming and sweetly smiling

Its the start of the 3 month long party
Nights in Kolkata wont be the same again till about January

Against a backdrop immense dark deserted golfcourse
Bornfires burn in my mind
Vodka on the rocks
My best friend with me
As we tried to spot 5 people not dressed in shiny black
Or International night where you meet everyone but everyone and dance till you go nuts

Everyone who stays away from Kolkata tries to time homecomings for Dec
Me and my dad for the parties & birthdays and wedding annivs and ... well, the parties :)
Some people ... because its slightly cooler in Cal then

my city ... my beautiful, maddening, enchanting, haunting city ...

at work ...
its still hectic, but they have put away the axe for a bit :)
the way things were going ... they were gonna crucify me!

After this project is over Im gonna take a long break in Kolkata o mine
And find a nice Germany project ;)

Anna told him. But she's acting weird after that
When I read 100 years and the dad was living with his girlfriend I didnt feel so bad ... I kind of

grinned while reading in a boys will be boys kind of way
I dont know why. I guess its the kids ... I cant get over how horrible it is for the kids when they find

their mom going around with someone not legit or even. Most kids need to think of their moms as

a kind of a neutered creature. I realised this when i was very young and wrote an essay on it which

won me a fullscore on 20 on 20 in my finals and lots of literary / philospohical acclaim in school.

But I was not even 14 then ... but I sympathised with the moms. Now Im just mixed up and

confused on the issue ... it doesnt seem as clear as it once did. Nothing is clear in this whole issue of

extra maritial affairs ... even the be honest to the person ur cheating precept no longer stands very

firm. I mean if ur gonna do it anyway, and ur not gonna leave the poor man ... maybe ignorance is

bliss? Few yrs back I would have said ofcourse u can fall in love - and who can help that ...

whenever, with whomever ... its like a thunderbolt & u have no control. and ofcourse u must give

way to love. BUT now I feel that we cant always afford to give way to love. Indeed "LOVE" no

longer seems as undeniable as it once did. And there seem to be other considerations, other duties, priorities ... other loves ... like your parents, your children, maybe even yourself.

Oh My God ... This is my fav soapbox and I could go on and on forever! So Ill take it up again tomorrow.

get by with a little help

its so wonderful how ur friends rush in to help you when r low ....
im kind of in a better shape now :)

maybe will put up a pome or carry on the anna karenina discussion that me and mich were having on the blog for general discussion


why do I always get myself into a soup
why do I always find that I have done the wrong thing
more things change more they stay the same

once I used to get ma upset bcz tho I was good in studies I flunked exams and did badly and pissed of everyone in the school and made no friends

then I used to get Pills upset bcz I fought with everyone in the hostel ... she said everyday she used to be scared that she will hear from someone Ive hit someone badly or something like that ... like the princi or a teacher. I did brilliantly in my orals and practs ... rare feats in my univ ... and flunked the theory papers in the very same subjects

now at work I work hard and know my systems and everything - still I screw up and then everyone is putting up posters with a price on my head ...

the same things I got a shouting for as a 3 yr old I still get into trouble for - no learning curve
still hot headed and dont know what Im doing once I lose my head
still cant say what I want to say or should say until I get mad
Still cant prioritise
Still day dreaming & absent minded
Still careless & shabby and too bloody friendly with anyone I meet ...

theres something fundamentally wrong with my head. serves me right whatever comes my way.
I screw up work. I screw up my personal life. and my family life ... hah! thats a joke

Bollocks man ... I wish I cud just run away somewhere and hide for eternity.
Ill never make it.
Ill never do it. Never get there

Anyway ... it does not matter. Tomorrow is another day and everything will be allright
Guess it just threw me to hear baba crying, and see the assholes dumb mail
And worst of all to realise Id fucked up my screens :(

Ive been having a long nice run of bad luck
The nicest things that have happened or maybe the only nice things ... 2 new friends & a new car!
and that also got screwed up so badly

kams ... what do I say about him!

but what the hell ... it cant last for ever!
tomorrow is another day ... maybe things will get better soon
as long as work and baba (& my granny sweet) and leo are fine I guess I can handle the rest :)

working weekend

nothing to post
been living at work through the weekend
Im happy happy :)


theres something about me ...
sometimes my mind kind of slows down and goes slow slow slow ... pause
and I do the dumbest imaginable thing
its these times when kams calls me a MR and my mommy calls me autistic (lovingly)
its usually when Im reading a good book or testing
then Im like so lost in why the insert wont insert or if anna karenina should feel guilty
im totally not there ... where I actually am ... and its worse bcz from the outside u cant tell if Im there or here or where :)

like yesterday - I put up a post on thornbords and totally forgot about it ... even tho it was right in front of me
paradox says somethiong about the birds and Im like "whats he talking about! maybe he's cuckoo' :)

then I go to chai bhai's site and leave a nice bright zonk "HI PARADOX"!!!

and right now ... I totally forgot that Id set up a new account to receive mails from the blog
as a part of my great efforts at being anonymous!
i kept checking uknowwho@hotmail and forgot about the new account
today I remembered and chkd and I had so many mails sitting there
ramana, sapna & vani ... yippidee ... yippdoo ... I love getting mails :)

sometimes it gets more sinister - like when Im crossing roads
thats what I got hit by my mom for the last time she hit me ...
last year ... Im working ... in front of two colleagues ... wham!
how embarrassing :(

maybe my getting senile is highlighting it
getting too old to rock and roll - too old to die at double time

"whatever" ... I learned that here in the US of A :)

came back late from work again
i hate to admit it ... i love it ;)

i know Im not making sense. so Ill finish the post here

had a nice chat with TCGFSB ... boom bang Boing!
man he's cute :)


calvin and hobbes

calvin & hobbes

its a season of finding. i found another quote which i have been hunting
for for years! its so true ... and beautiful

"There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until is had found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in his heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain…"

"The bird with the thorn in its breast, it follows an immutable law; it is driven by it knows not what to impale itself, and die singing. At the very instant the thorn enters there is no awareness in it of the dying to come; it simply sings and sing until there is not the life left to utter another note. But we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it. Still we do it."

from The Thornbirds, Colleen McCullough

dont feel like writing anything in this blog today so ill just be GROUCHY and bug everyone who reads the post

missing jinx very much today
wish he was here
he'd understand ...

i went to wandy's blog. she writes so bldy well!

didnt get any mails from mich all day ... she's ignoring me too!
neo and sapna are like, totally ignoring me ... gawd knows where they are ... god bless the kids!

I miss teddy :(

I got a lot of books from the childrens section this weekend ... agatha chrities, peter pan & little women & "willie wonka"

I read my centuries old journal and remembered how weird I was! (I mean how much weirder)

I realised I keep 3 blogs, a webpage & a paper journal

"wish it was you
no one else will ever quite do

i try so hard, but its all a mess
i know inside. i do confess

uve got a way of doing everything
cute and funny and maddening

now ur gone, good bye. gooodbye
im not sure i know just how it all happened. so fast.
now ur gone, I dont even cry,
anymore. I just stare at the road. With dumb look on my face

should have been you
no one else will do

id never in a lightyear let you know
but sweetheart it was always you

its a beautiful day, the internet delivered a picture of my leo

chatted with my mom
my leo (my beloved my sweet darling leo) is ill
he is getting old it seems (bull)
mom is such a darling
she is so cute
she lined up all my stuff toys in front of the webcam
and leo and my cats
and the birds
and I saw my daddy in his red jammies :)

for a second such a wave of nostalgia swept over me
cant explain ... felt like my heart will break ... with a nice feeling ...
recently a friend asked me who is there for u when things go wrong
no ones ever there really ... but its not as tragic as it sounds
its no big deal - u get used to it jolly quick and all
u just take a deep breath and wait for it to pass
and u shudnt let any one be there
bcz people r very predicatable that way - they go away - or they change
or they turn out to be something totally different from what u thought they were
and then it hurts like hell

reading I think paradox's blog recently I remembered my daddy's smell
he smells of anteus and tide and dunhill and whiskey and the cement plant
he looks serious and scary or half asleep
and he frowns most of the time
and then he smiles, slow unexpectedly - and suddenly boom he's grinning like a little boy
there are things that remind me of him. anteus. smell of whiskey. or ac cars
crisp white shirts. anyone shaving and making strange faces
panes flying overhead, abriti, satyajeet roy, hemanta ... almost everything nice

listening to bhole o bhole ... corny song but cute :)
and also "piya bawri" i love those semi classical hindi movie songs!

spoke to mom for a long time
mists of nostalgia
play misty for me
kishore kumar
broken tape recorder
days of poverty
the sea
long winding roads - always the same end
whenever I talk to mom it comes to the same thing
sadiyon sadiyon wahin tamaasha - rasta rasta lambi khoj
wish I wasnt such a coward
but somethings ... u cant deal with u cant face u ant solve u cant bear
u can just run and run ...

me and the sky
I cried today to keep her company
And she rained all day
And then at night she lit up the chandeliers
To make my heart bright again
Everyone else just passes by
In the end its just you and i
Everything changes every minute
And ur left staring into the sky

one of my childhood friends commited suicide a long time back
here. in texas
we were in india then
i was in pune
chatts was in cal
sauce was in blore
chatts called me
she was crying ... i didnt know what to do
we become so selfish in times of pain
my first though was how sauce & chatts will be hurt ...

no one knew why
I was curious
i did a search on suicide in google
and I came across this site which said that
kids who are exposed to very complicated or hurtful situations
when very young are never very normal again
they never really heal

pressman said the same thing ... design time errors are 5 times harder to recover from than errors picked up in later phases of the development life cycle. somethings never go away. some things never get better. somethings never heal
u just have to learn to live with it the best u can.


went to sleep with my array of alarms from 5 am to 6 am
woke up at 7:30
it must take some talent to ignore 3 alarms and wake up an hour and half late
I like to wake up early on hols so that its kind of longer ... other wise it feels like it just whooshed past

chatting with my mom and trying to teach her to maximise her window
is it so hard?
how can some one so intelligent otherwise be so tech PHOBIC ... thers no other words for it
she even freaks out on the remote saying its too complicated!
what about all her windspeed and dead load and live load and projections crap like that ... thats very simple!
god give me patience!
I remember how I refused to accept the concept of negetive numbers
sometime way back in the passed and poor child she was trying to explain for so long
I still remember I was hanging from the window grill (my fav studying place)
and saying na na na ;)

i mailed a college prof today about a subject I was interested in and he sent me a list of books to read
that was so kind

its ten already! these days on sundays the hours pass like those last few hours before the exam is due to start


I woke up at 5:30 with a solution that was poking me in my sleep
came to office at 6:30 - used all my discipline to stop myself from coming in my jammies
got in at 6:30 - walked in the rain
waorked with out lunch shunch anything till 3:00 ... debugging ... one of those fuck the world gotto make this work moments
and guess what?
the dataset got deleted! can u blv that! ... This is my life!
Now Im sitting here coolly and laughing at it all and everyone around will be thinking how cool I am ... inside I feel like ramming my fist through the monitor ... white hot angry ... what to do ... life nahi hai laddu :)

isnt it funny how we change when we know we have an audience
i deleted and put back the swear words in this post which had come totally with the flow so many time ...
I chkd some old posts from the archives to make sure & its really diff
maybe I shud change my url again and go true blue anonymous!

spoke to yogi ...
when I first read his comments I thought he reminded me if brat (bharadwaaja)
then I saw his snap and even that was like brat
next I saw his resume on his blog - toh bday bhi paas paas hai - another libran
today I heard his voice ... and thats also like brat
now in my miss marple avataar ... that cud really get me thinking!

wonder where brat is and how ... Ill do another post on him soon. miss him sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!
miss the way he'd suddenly make his voice go deeeeeeep (indigo deep) and go "Prero" :)
and a hundred other things
old cotton t's, old homes, old friends, old fav songs ... so special forever!

its 8:30 - came at 6:30 ... been a long time since i did this ... wow!
new quizzilla quiz ... Its dumb! Im not like that at all. I mean even my inner child issnt. Quizzilla is DUMB
I was just talking to star and I remembered when I was a kid I went and hid in the bath tub in the loo and pulled the curtains all around
or i hid under a table with a huge table cloth - or under the bed in my grans house - that I did a lot
I think it used to be my fav place in the house
Got a dumb trg today when I need to work

Theres a Aerosmith concert here necxt month and another fleetwod mac
Im reaaly sad bcz I cant go ... dont know anyone I cud drag along and Idont wanna go alone
but maybe something will turn up ...
My inner child is sixteen years old today

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

feel like shit. its all blowing up. missed my driving class. for the stupidest of reasons. he actually came home and had to go away. i feel so bloody guilty. poor old man. Im in a f%^ mess. i got b&^$^& 4 days left to test all the stuff and i the stupidest of things keep going wrong. i saw the dumbest of all movies with all the ugly men and women in the world. i hate rani mukherjee & kajol but salma hayek is another class altogether. grow. and icing on the cake antonio b & j egg. only cute part was jonny dep and even he doesnt get cute till his eyes are too red holes with bloody streaming down and cute ish kid and the dog. it was cuteish! here there - back home - with chatts, with ad, with work, with kams ... everything is going screwy. need to concentrate. Im gonna go off this blog for a bit.

... unless I change my mind ;)


woke up late
did a 3 min getting ready stunt
the brush teeth - swallow coffee - drag on dockers and first shirt in sight grab hair brush - run kind
mad ness at work
status on new project - oncall reports - old project err debug
itna kyun log halla karte hain office mein?
how am I suppose to write weird code & compose convoluted logic in the hulla :(

i close each hand and make a fist
my nails dig into my palms

i close my eyes and push in my fists
and stare into the dark

in the black corridors
i see shapes begin to form

i see something that might be you
moving in the dark

u turn around and hold out ur arms
i gasp in shock and begin to run

i open my eyes and get lost again
in the vagueness of the light

through the day a 56 times
i think of something to tell u or ask

through the night 38 times
i turn in my bed to find u

then i remember ... and im surprised i remember.
it was so long ago

its all past and forgotten now
yet a echo still remains ...

just a hollow sound ringing across deserted rocks & the sea
two ghost voices calling out to each other as they run across the beach

and laughing and breathing quicker than before.
the sound an echo, of a ghost, of a memory, of a dream of what could have been.

a hollow cosy nook in the dim mellow late afternoon light
nothing that was. or would have been. or would be ... just could have been ... so much.


what a sunday - wow!
woke up at 2:30
sneaked - but then without ma - what sneak ... got a box of cookies and coffee to bed
and read ac till some more time
this is like summer hols just after exams ... the few days when u get away with any shit ...
read till u sleep somewhere in the early hours and wake up in the afternoon and just pick up the book and go on ... the way I read fountainhead in one sitting (rather lying) ;)
anyway - then I cooked & ate a MAMOTH break fast - juice, eggs, bacon, fruit ... works!
then I cleaned the kitchen and the loo & stuff (with my new love .... CLR bathroom & kitchen cleaner)
soaked for 1 hour & talked to jinx
and then I went for a 2 hour long drive
then I came back and cooked some beef curry ...
sat down to eat ... I had to put down my book and concetrate on my food it was so MINDBLOWING
washed it down with some cabernet



theres a storm all around
rain and winds and thunder and lightning
its so beautiful

weekends here again
dont feel like writing
sat at home and drank 2 bottles of beer and ate some nice prawns and watched "sex and love"
weird as the name as it sounds, it was a really sweet movie
and now Im off to bed and to agatha christie!
gotto get up at 7 2mrw (am) for a health fair that I volunteered at!

wonder how the weekends gona turn out
I need a slow and dead one bad.
but it never comes when u want it!
have a feeling this ones not gonna be as nice as the last one ... by a long shot!

Life nahi hai laddo ;)

Long time back - years & years ago - when I was in school ... someone sent me this fwd
I loved it. But I lost it. Tried looking for it many times since then
But today is the first time I found it online
here it is
Miss all my old friends whom I havent seen in so long :( but if & when, it will be just the same as before :)
Brat, Jinx, Adit, Chatts, Sauce, Juls, Malo, Pills, Vani ...


before the earth goes to rest, in a dark cape of winter
she puts up one last show - glowing in the subtle hues of fall
all around is a peace descending
russet, red & gold
everything seems winding down
all drama will fold
like the climax of a day ... theres a undercurrent of excitement in the air
everyone is happy and peaceful, once more autumn is here

when i was young i used to be so much more impetuous
every doubt, suspicion, hurt, pain ... it all had to be faced & analysed & 'fixed or filed' straight away
these days, i realise, its sometimes a great thing to be able to be still inside
and draw a deep breath and wait for confusion and pain to pass like a huge wave that washes over our heads
when u see a roller coaster coming in the distance it looks so scary, and mamoth
u cant believe u could survive that breaking on ur head
but if ur still & patient, sometimes it just passes
and ur left standing in peacefull waters again
with blue and grean playing peacefully all around and the sun glinting silver gold of the surface
all things get better with time
they have to, theres no other way
sometimes it doesnt help to cry, or talk or be upset
u just have to take a deep breath and bear it & wait for it to pass. as it will. for sure
and then ur happy and free to laugh & dance & sing & fly again

somehow - life goes on. somehow, life finds a way, somehow life takes care of u and makes u happy
sometimes u just have to wait.
at times I think, life is so wonderful ...

Its all starfest's fault - she keeps doing these dumb quizzes & I cant resist trying it out! ;)
Well, Casablance and all huh? Must admit I fell for the way he says "here to you, kid" ... reminds me of brat! wonder what he's upto these days!

"You must remember this, a kiss is still a
kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A
classic story of love in trying times, chock
full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously
believe in true love, but you're also
constantly aware of practicality and societal
expectations. That's not always fun, but at
least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis
get you down too much.

What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla

one lazy day in fall ...

Flower. Storm.
Gentle. Warm.
Restless. Peace.
Waits or Flees ...

Tell me love what love is?

its such a beautiful day - everything a monday should be
the sky is bluer than robin eggs, the su shines without burning
everyone is happy all around
and work is nicely rolling
from the window by my desk I see a shining pond
and a lazy tortoise who doesnt go to work
basking in the sun
a little dreamy a little busy everyone is working like merry little ants
keyboards humming & coffee scenting the air everywhere

sometimes I think ... its such a beautiful world :)

Lord of the Rings!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

ISSNT IT IRONIC ... I never watch the stuff. Closest Ive got to it is Jinx reading out some stuff thats a take on it :)

not sad just sober ...

Im a dark, black stained maroon
I wish I was yellow and orange and pink

Im tequila mad and crazy
wish I was a stylish gin

Im old and grown cynical
wish I was young and naive again

wish i could feel again with all my heart
even if its bound to be pain

Ive walked so far, so long now
Im tired and worn and bored

I wish I could have reached home by now
Must be some nice place at the end of the road.

Im listening to ...

"you believed in their stories of fame fortune and glory
now you're lost in a haze of alchohol soft middle age
the pie in the sky turned out to be miles too high
and you hide hide hide
behind brown and mild eyes"

Moms taken a break with the match making
The last two eminent flops of her efforts have thankfully given her some room for thought
lol ... am I glad!

I never thought MY parents would do this!
Okay - Im ancient and all - but still - they were so always cool & happening partying busy bee folks
what happened to them!!!

a funny story ...
my dad was off late driving me insane about the M thing
i was getting really fed up of fencing with him
so I turned around and told him "y dont u find me somoeone & I promise Ill go for whoever u find blindly :)"

well ... after that 3 conversations and he doesnt bring up the M word
Next time I decide to bug him a bit
so I said "what happened, u hunting???"
so he says "I will - whats the hurry ya"

another 3/4 conversations later I decide to bug get him again ...
so Im said "what happened baba, u searching and all"?
So he says "hey - I cant do all this - if u find some one - get married otherwise forget it" ... LOL

He hasnt brought up the topic again after that!!!
Thing is - in my fam last 3 generations no ones had an arranged marraige ... so they are a little puzzled as to what they r supposed to do about me ... :)

interesting quizs from vidya's post ...
what kind of a bitch are you
I am ...
Wannabe Bitch   You try to be a bitch...but only to fit in with those around you. You seem to feel guilty every time you be mean. Perhaps your just not cut out to be a bitch. Inst

You don't HAVE to be a bitch of you
don't want to. Maybe you're just not cut-out to
be a bitch. But don't worry! Being a bitch
isn't all that great. You're not missing out on
a thing!

(results contain pictures) What type of bitch are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

and your Japanese name ...
Mine is Ichi
Ichi - "That one with wisdom" Sponsored by

What would your Japanese name be? (female)
brought to you by Quizilla

From DIYA's post ... the color quiz
And I am ... BROWN!

You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.


TA dA dA DA dA DA Feeling Groovy ...

listening to
hello lamp post, what u doing? came to see ur flowers growing. TA dA dA DA dA DA Feeling Groovy!

i love the rainy season
of course there no big rainy season here
but i love it when it rains
and off late we have been having such nice storms and heavy showers
i like the smell in the air, and the general air of drama and excitement it always brings
and everything becomes dreamy, pretty
to misquote, on days such as this the heart turns to thoughts of love

what is love, i still havent been able to figure it out
what is it? how does it work? how do u find it? is there any such thing at all, after all.
they say love conquers all, but its only all conquering love that conquers all ... maybe!
i used to have a pet phrase. a take on a dialouge in jurassic park
nature, love, water will always find a way :)

wet winds, fragrant earth and a strange light in the sky
half memories of old places & people visited and known and loved
these are the things that make the heart feel tender at times like this

rains remind me of going off in the school bus which felt like a motor boat
leaning out of the windows to touch the "waves" (filthy)
jumping into puddles 'SPLAaaaaaAT'
school closed ... walking back home from rawdon street to southern avenue

other times ... drizzle drizzle and me and ma in matheron ... laughing and cracking up and loafing all day

me and baba in london, aimlessly wondering around and drinking beer and calling up to report "sightseeing progress" to ma everynow and then
ma is very enthu that u "have to see everything" me & dad are really lazy ... too lazy to care to much

Pune in the rain...
drip drip all day
like the gods there have diabetes
mud swirling and bird song in everywhere
running to cottage desperately trying to protect the journals in our hands
looking for a tumtum and trying to protect our sunday finery

the first time I saw rain in Dubai ...
Is this my friendly neighbourhood oven-hot dubai!!!
I always went summer hols ... so never saw rain
could have never imagined it would be so cool!
went in dec for the first time that year and wow! what rain ... what storm. Mind blowing stuff!
Like an orchestra from heaven
Sonet Lumeire

Bristol in the rain ...
drip drip all day
walking to work! not so nice
rowing in the rain. beautiful
laughing, kidding and getting wet and then running into the clubhouse bar to 'warm up'

bombay in the rain ...
belapur - green, so grean and wet
leo pols after loafing near the book shops in and around fountain
uncles house near VT. rain like a floods gonna happen right here right now
trying to find someones office all day in sasoon docks

the silvery shimmery light in the sky that rainy days bring
the squeaky clean look post rain
the grey gloomy grumpy look on the sky just before a big storm
rumbling, grumbling drums of thunder
the bright light fireworks of lightning

places and people. memories. and so many yet to come. life is so pretty :)