The Dying Flame ... A Story (part 1)

what do you do in the last 5 months of life? theres a lot of stuff i had wanted to do in life, on this world or in this time-space-frame ... whatever it is ... but 5 or 6 months is too little time to do any of them.

i dont want to be bitter about it. I am dying. Its sad, but there are sadder things. it could be so much worse. as it is i've had 30 odd years which in hindsight, seem just perfect! i wouldnt change a second.

in some strange way, the actual reality has not sunk in ... that in a few months everything will be over. literally everything. how can it? i cant even conceive of it! its still the blackouts that seem more scary to me! the dying ... thats too big to register!

<2B edited / contd>

Notes to Myself

as a child,
I wrote letters to god
and I wondered
where to post them. Now, I write
notes to myself & wonder if i'll
ever understand them.


been feeling strange lately
dunno whats wrong
maybe im bewitched
do u cast spells with ur eyes?
was it just a trick of the light
or did you sound familiar in the night
brought to mind a very old friend
though im not sure if he was only, in m mind
dont get me wrong. theres no way, im thinking ur special
its just that u reminded me - of someone - i cant recall ever having known
and now that the sketch has been put in,
i feel lonely for the first time thinking of him
we'd run in the moonlight
we'd had our silly fights
we'd talked about everything
and nothingmaybe this is love
best of friends. confidante. someone each can lean on
someone to take for granted. to speak to in half formed sentances with
to gossip with in a single look
to consult with in just a glance, shot across a crowded room
just friends. best friends
yet sometimes ... well, never mind.
one and only, everlasting, overwhelming
maybe its a dream
and soon ill wake up
doesnt really matter now
cz ill never find out
i looked up and into ur eyes
saw what might be a lightning blaze
didnt wait, to find if im wrong
so im on the run again
catch me if u can
no one could. no one can
am i glad?
or am i sad?
ill never know
cz im born to run

thorns, a rider

cannot concentrate all my friendship on any single one of my friends because no one is complete enough in himself.
--Anais Nin

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
--Anais Nin

whats harder to bear? pain or emptiness? which is less painful - loneliness or vapid company? which grates more poor character or poor diction? which is a lesser sin - unfounded intellectual snobbery or hypocritical congeniality. which hurts more, general coolth from a well maintained distance or compensated but sudden showers of rage?

how do you feel when you were waiting for something and then you realise it wont happen? how do you feel when you spend days and days waiting for something to happen but when it does, find it unbearable? if you look in the mirror and fall in love? if you look inside and want to throw up? can you fine tune your self to your taste?

and i come round once again to this ...
"Can you? Is there surgery that does that? Keep the roses. throw away the thorns. Can you discipline, control, carrot&stick yourself? can you become 'a good person'? was reading how to be good, sometime back (nick hornby)

what will happen to the bits that fall away under the knife? will the float away from the soul and drift in ether forver, islands of faults and mistakes? torn thorns. poor little thorns."

a new poem (if i may call it that) up at chocolat ...

whole lotta roses

things come and things go. but everything that passes over you leaves its tracks. some are stronger than the rest. memories ... there are so many meories crowded in your head. some seem so real you can almost forget they are not here and now. some so faded and dry that they are like watching a movie or reading a book stored somewhere inside. there are things you recall, you know they happened, but it feels so incredible. which me was this thats so much more a stranger than anyone else i have ever heard of?

someone had once exclaimed, how can you hate yourself. how can anyone? how can you not love someone you have carried inside you for so long? treasured, protected, nurtured, guided ... (thats the way of the orphans ... but do the others do that too?) ... created, how can you throw any part of that away, how can you
tear out these cancers, which though dangerously malignant, are still parts of you?

Can you? Is there surgery that does that? Keep the roses. throw away the thorns. Can you discipline, control, carrot&stick yourself.into becoming someone else? into becoming a good person?

what will happen to the bits that fall away under the knife? will the float away from the soul and drift in ether forver, islands of faults and mistakes? torn thorns. poor little thorns.

theres still the rain ...

things stick in ur the branches in of ur mind, and sitting there, they morph over the years, with the passing seasons of time.

the thing i miss most about being home, or being in one place that you have been a long time is you have collected all the books and movies that you like to have around you, either bought or brought from home, which we nomads never have. so like today im dying to see just that bit of say anything, or just those words of high fidelity ... i cant really.

amsterdam pics still stuck. its hard to manage a digital camera without a comp.

its been a killer 3 days. today being the craziest. but to tell the truth, i like the feel of those days when you're running since 4 (thats when i left home) and cant stop to take a breath. i love it. but problem is your so rushed u keep making mistakes. so its ok if the tasks are things where you already know what to do, but if ur analysing miles of code , looking at solutions ... its killersville!

i wrote a mail to baba, ma and barbie yesterday, which i still have sitting in my drafts! killer bomb! if they had read it they'd have never gotten over it. ill never send it. that much frankness & intimacy is not my style. im a scorp after all ;@) but i havent deleted it either.

i am really falling behind in class! i went to the UTA site after ages. need to practise conjugating. need to practise like mad. but there's something about that univ that totally fascinates me ... dunno why!

the 5K is in june. will i make it?

why is it that which ever team i pick i always end up at the bottom?

there are 3 concerts coming up that i want to go to ... mark knoffler, u2, bruce springsteen. i'd give a LOT for a chance to go to them atleast the first two. its not the money (i'd even swallow my pride and ask baba on this - IF needed and its not needed) but just that i would feel so weird going alone!

yesterday, when i was going home in the bus, listening to my obsession of the month, i had a flash of what i really wanted, in life. but would i be happy if i had taken that path? maybe its just an illusion. if not, i could have said i took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference, in the wrong sense! i find it interesting how i keep going back to that point, though its been 13 years ... its like when you lose something and you have no clue where its gone, you keep wanting to look in the last place you saw it, though rationally, you KNOW you have already covered that spot! Like the sparrows when the HP house was being built ... the false ceiling had been done, but the fittings were not up yet. So, there were these holes in the false ceiling leading into the space above it. A sparrow made a nest there. Ironically wherever may we roam, there are always birds nesting in our house. They are not temple-haunting martlets but they do approve. The air is delicate, yes but in a different sense!

its raining ... that makes everything better, doesnt it?