who do you need, who do you want, when you come undone

I'd thought of this once before. The songs that suddenly pop up like background music in ur head ... they come up there for a reason. Maybe its something / someone deep down inside telling you something.

Once I was having a fight with a freind. For some obscure reason the words kept playing in my head "this might be a devillish ploy but its one way to bring these proceedings to and end". Another time, the music of the song "amazing" kept ringing in my head ... I was going on my first onsite assignment ... it was an unbelievable feeling.
Couple of times since yesterday I keep hearing "and they'll all come to greet me ..." Oh man! This is crazy! I dont even know if its gonna happen yet and Im desperately trying to keep myself from getting excited. I keep having involuntary flashes in my head. The sights, the smells, feelings ...

I dont understand why. Ive been away from home for much longer periods without feeling the slightest thing, so why am I acting like the 'castaway'!!! Maybe bcz so much has happened since I came here! I cant blv its just been a few months. What a grand unholy mess Ive made :)

No its different here from what it was in the UK. Everything is totally different. I did stuff there. I had friends. Ma cameover 3 times and Baba came over 3 or 4 times. Konkon came once. We used to go out to places. We went out in the weekends. There were other people in team. We all went for lucnh together. There was the city that was so magical. So beautiful. The library. The river. The club. The rowing. The dojo. There was Emma and her cute little car and all those faraway countryside pubs we went to. There was the damn. We often went over deep in the night - just push off on impulse. Dark village-ish roads. Bordered by trees and stone walls. A lone cyclist suddenly appears by the side of the car. You crack jokes ... "did u notice if his feet were facing the right direction" ... Suddenly theres that quiet swishing sound in the dark. And you know your almost there. lean on the wall and watch the silver blue ... above and below. 2 ciggerettes. And then back home again. I used to be tired. But we used to have so much fun!

I keep telling myself that its just that its all so new here. Once I settle down and get to know people and stuff everything will be fine. But its not really happening. Theres something about this place. Its dry. I got to know a lot of people. Different people doing different things in different cities and states ... but so many of them seem to be so lonely. Its almost a common denominator. You make tonns of friends to hang out with but theres no real bonding with anyone. Maybe its the island culture :)

But all this is just crappy hallucinations of an insane-ish mind. Have you ever felt that if someone knew what I was thinking they would lock me up? I do more and more frequently.

When I was in Pune for my BE while the rest of my gang was back in Cal ... I thought I missed Cal so much. When I came back 4 years later, I realised I what I had missed was a time and not a place. A time of carelessness. A time of irresponsible exhilarating blissfull ignorance. A time when nothing matted except what Im gonna do for new years or what chapters to skip for the next exam or how sad Mrs D'Silva in LSP looked yesterday. Go to school come back, do home work, do interact duties ... and your quota of being good is done and over. For the rest of the time you can do whatever the hell you want and not think twice about it. When the worst that could happen was that Ma would Shout. When there were no troubles which I couldnt tell Chatts or feel scared to start crying over ... lest I could never stop.

wood fairy pome

so now you tell me you love me!
& what good will it ever do?
and now you say you want me,
you should have told me that before.
when the slender rainbow
quivered on the little lake
in the forest
that night, when you came to me,
you should have told me then.
or on that other day
flushed with the delicate peach of dawn
u held my face, in your hands, afterwards
and kissed my eyes, with your sweet mouth
and i took a trip to heaven
you should have told me then
and remember the other day
when i said I wanted to walk barefeet in the grass,
and kicked my shoes away
you laughed at me, i tried to get mad
but I never could or not for too long, soon Id be melting again
and you always could tell just when
you should have told me then
later anyway, I cried my self to sleep
so often did I weep
and each time a tear fell
I found a new excuse to tell
But every wouldve been okay
You shouldve said all this that day

bloggers block

cant think of anything to write right now - or atleast nothing that seems just right. Right, then can anyone think of anything inspiring. It wouldnt be right to say that nothingsbldyhappeningsowhatdoi write about. Plenty happening allright. But doesnt feel right to write about all that. atleast not right here ... got that, right?

lol ... never done that on my own before! dedications ... mybestfriend
as luck would have it when he was here I was there and now he is there and I am here
long live the king of indian sw companies
theres a pattern to the postings ... ur never where u wanna be

well its rolling round to winter again!
heading on 8 months since i came here. it passed in a flash!
seems like yesterday that I came here like a refuge / fugitive
with two big suitcases (in one of which was hidden a HUGE teddy bear called Floppy)
didnt know a soul / didnt have any address to go to ... I just knew that 'somone' was supposed to pick me up at the airport and take me 'somewhere' ... my trust-abilty being as low as it is - that really gave me the creeps ... what if he just forgot!!! lol ...

in all my previous assignments we were given the name of a hotel and just had to get ourselves there. scary, but the only screwups u gotto watchout for r ur own.

anyway ... the temperature here nosedived this diwali weekend. It went from chennaiinsummer hot to delhiinwinter cold
makes everything around feel a bit like it was when I came here in Feb. thats what set me off on my nostalgia trip. so much has happened. so much has changed ... some good, some bad ... but all so BIG! I feel like Im another person totally from the one who left home! I guess Ive never been on my own before in the true sense. always had a lot of friends and my friends are usually the shutandsithereilltakecareofyou type ... I guess I feel all grown up and on my own here :)


Yet how well we are coming along ...
All big & grown up now.
Almost all done.
If we still cry,
If inside
We're still sometimes shy
It rarely ever shows
Now nobody knows,
The child hides behind the walls of darkness
And plays in the sunshine inside!

new look

all credits go to Mich ... she did it all for me
and the whole idea of the change was also her idea

unlike the little prince's flower ... i didnt have the patience to spend hours arranging my petals and just burst out into the asap ... so I am still a bit messed up ... will keep tweaking it as and when. The zonkie will be temporarily missing :)

stoned immaculate

did some serious drinking after a seriously long time last night
im a bit mad at myself, but I guess it could have been worse
when I get inebriated i usually just go off to sleep peacefully
which I did last night as well
but unfortuneately ... before that I talk ... and true to form thats what I did last night
i confessed things to kams the thing never ever wanted him to know ...
namely ... the fact that I got locked out of my AGAIN on diwali morning and had to call popalock :)
bcz I was so scared of getting blasted like dynamite (scorp tempers rnt even in their own control)

but then again ... what r confessions for if not to be spilled out to our closest pals whome we love & trust so much ...
who treat our deepest fears and pain so gently ... so carefully
and softly hold us in their hearts till we r strong again and then set us free to fly again

guess Im talking of kams and popalock ... but thinking of all my friends across space, time and media ... and all the times Ive thanked god for my friends. Im not making much sense right now ... will, after the remaining dregs of scotch running in my veins clear up ...

song in my head ...

Come over here
All you got is this moment
The 21st Century's yesterday
You can care all you want
Everybody does yeah that's okay
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight
Cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do babe
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
So slide over here
And give me a moment
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind

Inxs Need You Tonight

"have you ever felt just a pure raw attraction ... no logic, no explanations, no control u cant damp it down, u cant figure it out, u cant give in, u cant give out ... alll u know is that there is this human existence which has been refracted through the mirrors of time and space till its mirrored and echoed in inside ur head"
Ray S. Guelph

secret wish list ....

a new windshield for free
a new door lock
new lenses ... or a laser treatment
for baba, ma & tupi, leo to get 'alright' and live on :)
learn to look cool when Im shitting bricks
not get scared when I meet new people
being more open with everyone about certain things ... like how much they are pissing me off
jinx and chatto :)
become thin ... skinny ... like barely there :)
wakeup and find that by some strange magic Ive become nice looking
a guy ... my true love ... to appear by magic
a sense of direction (i mean geographically ... primarily)
to be assigned to germany / new zealand / china and south america
then spain
to get a dream job
to go through a week without being told "why are you so irresponsible" or "which world do you live in" or "how COULD you do something like that" or "when will u learn to take your life seriously"
stop losing my temper all the time but learn how to stay mad at people who r mean to me
lose the teddy fixation

i could go on ... but one should be reasonable ... lol

listening to ... a blast from the past - we used to hear this in school ...
All at once,
I finally took a moment and I'm realizing that
Your not coming back
And it finally hit me all at once
All at once,
I started counting teardrops and at least a million fell
My eyes began to swell,
And all my dreams were shattered all at once

Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone
All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely see
Wishing you'd come back to me
And that's all that matters now
All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories
And it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows
All at once

All at once,
I looked around and found that you were with another love
In someone else's arms,
And all my dreams were shattered, all at once
All at once
The smile that used to greet me brightened someone else's day
She took your smile away
And left me with just memories, all at once


Im blank
and Im out of quizzilla
i begged everyone to inspire me but no one obliged

what do I write about?
my life is singularly non happening right now

winter is coming on
even this oven zone is getting a bit cooler than usual
only thing on my mind now is will I wont I ... get leave to go to cal in dec

if u wanna see cal u gotto see it in dec ... it'll blow ur mind. The parties, the evenings, nights, the I cant wait :)

Im a Goddess

I must admit that I cheated a bit. I was a VAMPIRE ... which was all very exciting but it said "ur so sensible" in the description and I HATE being called "sensible" ... so I did the quiz again and lo and behold ... I was a Goddes!
Qizzilla is NUTS!

You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

the conflict

the weather is so awesome here these days ... i feel like falling in love :)

had an interesting argument with mich ... to tell or not to tell! the debate is on if u have a crush on someone, should u tell him? i feel that for all u know its just a passing thing and will evaporate before u know it! and u will be gladder that u kept shut. i have atleast 1 very very good friend whome I had a crazy crush on and kept shut and later when we became such good friends I was so glad I kept shut bcz no loveshove could have been nicer than what we now have ... and crushes are so often just illusions

chatting with my sis. she's such an angel. she is good natured and strong minded and talented ... gawd how cud she be mine!
and after all we've been throug ... she is still so un-bitter and sweet ...

im addicted to 'falling at your feet' and 'only love breaks ur heart'

im driving around a bit now

im in love ... with a angel in the shop below my office
its white porceline and stands with hands folded and head bowed
like she has done something disgraceful, but just could not help herself ... and now she is so sad ... but still does not regret it really ... but she is so sad ...
its taken my heart :)

paradox asked about choices. why do we feel sad when we knew what we were getting into when we were making the choices ... i dont know. we are walking along life with no road map. at each point that the road forks, we take one of the roads ... why? is it always a conscious decision? sometimes the other road is blocked, sometimes u meet someone cute and while talking to them u dont notice and unconsciously take the same turn as them, sometimes u take a bad road just to get rid of someone who u fell in with who turned out to be irritating ... sometimes ur just lost in thought and take a random road ... how conscious are we and how much percent of the time? these forks come up 24/7/4/12 ... and every year :)

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds,
"What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.......

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen."
Bobby - age 5

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - Age 5

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
listening to ...
Everyone who needs a friend
Every life that has no end
Every knee not ready to bend
Is falling, falling at your feet
I've come crawling, now I'm falling at your feet

and madcap laughs

Ive paused, Ive frozen, what can I say ... where have I lost myself. I miss me, that used to be, so much that it hurts
I cant even cry ... the tears are frozen too. I am amber ... in the glittering beads in a big smooth palm ... frozen in this moment of time ... the butterfly trapped in the amber that paused ... today it owes its entire existence to the very same thing that crushes and imprisons it ... forever ... it will never escape

But I drove so far today ... lol ... by my stds! took the car to a mechanic. full office return traffic :) gawd I was so nervous .... and I remembered what jinx said and started laughing. dec is so far away ...

a dumb poem

like a snapshot of a moment in ur mind
like yeaterday that will never come back
like a bird on a rock. who hasnt learned to fly
like time thats stopped while everything else rushes by ...

one moment at a time
and the crash will kill gently

like the first second when u jolt awake from a dream
like when mid summer thursday afternoon

u & i
born of the same one cry in the night
u & i
born of the same pain, the same joy

2 lone leaves quiver on a bare lifeless tree

one call of the wind and we flew away ... dancing, enraptured, maddened by the sirens evil song
and were lost in the racing gales of life forever,
and the one last song that fell from our lips yesterday tumbled & tripped and faded
in the empty corridors of time


by the cold and religious we were taken in hand
shown how to feel good and told to feel bad

douremembermehowitusedtobedontuthinkweshouldbecloser ... wasituwasitmedidiwatch2muchtv
feeling strange
im such a klutz
its 12:30
cant sleep
feel lost and scared and lonely
sometimes i feel like life is so big and i am so dumb ... mera kya hoga???

why do we do the things we do
why does it affect us so much
why do i ask so many questions ...

anyway ... who cares - kuchh na kuchh toh ho hi jayega
chatted with debanjan. and dins. and rusty. it made me feel better

sometimes i wish i was nicely married
id never have to drive, or do hisaab, or remember bills
just cook and watch tv & sleep & wear nice clothes :)
aaaaaaaaaaah what bliss

lol ... if only it was like that!

aina mujhse meri pehli si suraat mange
me and munal ... we r so similar yet so different
she cant get over how dull and practical i have become
why dont i go out
why dont i go wild
why do i worry
she says .... didi ... u were so crazy (thats supposed to be a compliment) what happened 2 u
i dont know what happened
dont know if its good or bad
i know that that me would perhaps not have survived this life
i know that that me would

but when u try to discipline urself and force feed ur soul into some mould u have visualised u just end up with a retarded spastic heart and mind and a tortured shapeless soul. but the soul never dies, it lingers like a dying fragrance, poised in a reluctant departure. hesitating at the door and waiting, hoping to be called back ...

and as long as the soul remains, is within reach, there is hope. of a new tomorrow .. of a re wakening ...

sometimes i think ... joy is so stubborn ... it will keep butting its silly shameless little head up again and again however u try to push it down ... like a rubber ball in a swimming pool

and sometimes Im amaazed at the crap I can write at 12:45 AM


first bit of good news in so long now ... the gorkha sets new heights :)


it rained all night yesterday
makes the sky so bright today
i run away
for a day
to a hillock near the creek
and a meadow green
then is warm
& i lie down
little flowes are scattered by
blue yellow & bright white
somewhere afar cowbells ring
i can hear some silly bird sing
somehow it all seems peaceful here
for a moment you forget whats there
i close my eyes and dream a dream
where everything will better seem
i close my eyes and dream of you
it wont be much longer now
all the setbacks will fall away
little by little Im getting there


I was born with two left feet
One for the floor and one for my mouth

I had the most beautiful dream a few nights back ...
Its everything the word DREAM means or should mean
I went on a date
With a CUTE and INTERESTING guy who was OLDER than me
He took me to a small house with a small garden ... on a planet ... which contained nothing else!
There was no one else on the planet
Like the planet of the Boabab trees!
It was snowing, and it was deep in the night
and there were so many plants and only one time PURPLE pimpernel flower
which he showed me & told me a interesting longwound story about when we sat in the garden
There were books & music all over the place
before that we went in ... to the nicest kitchen in the world
there was a nice dining table in there and we ate lots of wonderful food
everything was automated ... the dishes came to the table on their own
and were automatically carried off to be washed
I was wearing a nice blue green saree
We went to the garden & sat down to talk. Didnt notice how time flew
We talked till morning

The "flashback to" other "times almost" just the opposite
Me in tattered overalls ... grease and grime all over
The guy is a MAFIA cool-stud
And I am the mechanic/driver of the group
Theres a big robbery and I drive a HUGE car which says its a Jeep but looks like a HUMMER
And I come ... zzzzzzzzzzoom and pick up my 'don' and the others and we ride off into the sunset!


who do you miss when you have a fever
why does a cold make you sad
why do we always feel so sleepy in the morning (when we have to get up)
and not at all at night (when u are finishing the last chapter u will read that day)
why do we get super religious before exams & other problems
whats that strange wrenching feeling you get when someone u love is far away & sad
how do you know you love someone
why does love come in so many varieties (like baskin robbins)
why doesnt love come with labels
why people dont have manuals
why people u "like" never "like" you ... or not the way u want them too

why you like the dumbest stuff on TV before and exam but get bored with the most exciting movies after the exam
why I miss PUCHKA and my Naani so much when Im away from Kolkata but get bored with both the min I get in?

And where Teddy is right now ... :)

when I will meet jinx again
why do I miss him so bad at times :(

when will i see Munal & Tupi & Leo again?

will I like Debanjan as much when I meet him and we are in the same place? will we become great pals or be cool cool? when shall I meet Pills again and sitting & chatting on the footpath edge in Chennai. how can Juls get married without me? will I ever meet sauce again. when will I talk to chatts again. when will I meet ad again

why is it so hard to know people, so easy to misunderstand, so natural to take people you love for granted and think ur paying a compliment and so hard to accept when others take you for granted

why do we like people then get dissapointed when we get to know them better

why am I still nervous when I have to talk to new people about work but not at all when Im just making friends
why do some people scare me so much? why do I avoid confrontations and telling people no and expressing stuff ... and then suddenly one day go BOOM and blow my cool?

Why is Munal such a nut ... and then Ma says we are like delayed twins!
Why is Cal so special ...

How long its been since I have had a REAL hug from a REAL friend

What should I do next?


I FINALLY got my license ... hah hah hah!


whether Im near or far
my heart is still with her
its that time of the year once more
when she haunts me like never before
I close my eyes and she comes to me ...
And in my mind Ill walk her streets

Ekhun amaar Kolkata te, dhaaker shobde akaash bhora
The drums roll like thunder on rainy hilltops in faraway little hamlets with exotic foreign names
Ekhun amaar Kolkata te, koto ronger alo'e alo'e raat ujjol
Like the virgin blush of new beauty, she will be glowing and humming and sweetly smiling

Its the start of the 3 month long party
Nights in Kolkata wont be the same again till about January

Against a backdrop immense dark deserted golfcourse
Bornfires burn in my mind
Vodka on the rocks
My best friend with me
As we tried to spot 5 people not dressed in shiny black
Or International night where you meet everyone but everyone and dance till you go nuts

Everyone who stays away from Kolkata tries to time homecomings for Dec
Me and my dad for the parties & birthdays and wedding annivs and ... well, the parties :)
Some people ... because its slightly cooler in Cal then

my city ... my beautiful, maddening, enchanting, haunting city ...

at work ...
its still hectic, but they have put away the axe for a bit :)
the way things were going ... they were gonna crucify me!

After this project is over Im gonna take a long break in Kolkata o mine
And find a nice Germany project ;)

Anna told him. But she's acting weird after that
When I read 100 years and the dad was living with his girlfriend I didnt feel so bad ... I kind of

grinned while reading in a boys will be boys kind of way
I dont know why. I guess its the kids ... I cant get over how horrible it is for the kids when they find

their mom going around with someone not legit or even. Most kids need to think of their moms as

a kind of a neutered creature. I realised this when i was very young and wrote an essay on it which

won me a fullscore on 20 on 20 in my finals and lots of literary / philospohical acclaim in school.

But I was not even 14 then ... but I sympathised with the moms. Now Im just mixed up and

confused on the issue ... it doesnt seem as clear as it once did. Nothing is clear in this whole issue of

extra maritial affairs ... even the be honest to the person ur cheating precept no longer stands very

firm. I mean if ur gonna do it anyway, and ur not gonna leave the poor man ... maybe ignorance is

bliss? Few yrs back I would have said ofcourse u can fall in love - and who can help that ...

whenever, with whomever ... its like a thunderbolt & u have no control. and ofcourse u must give

way to love. BUT now I feel that we cant always afford to give way to love. Indeed "LOVE" no

longer seems as undeniable as it once did. And there seem to be other considerations, other duties, priorities ... other loves ... like your parents, your children, maybe even yourself.

Oh My God ... This is my fav soapbox and I could go on and on forever! So Ill take it up again tomorrow.

get by with a little help

its so wonderful how ur friends rush in to help you when r low ....
im kind of in a better shape now :)

maybe will put up a pome or carry on the anna karenina discussion that me and mich were having on the blog for general discussion