now i have the fever once again

been down with the flu. endless hours on my little bed, next to my little window, and waiting for her to come home reminds me of my childhood

she wanted to open a bottle of wine last night. we chose a white bcz of the pong ... but ping and pong left after a glass ... i know she "hates her" and all the reasons and justifications ... but ... cant they maintain peace for a birthday?

people are so intolerant? everyone has flaws ... glaring hideous - ugly flaws ... unbearable, revolting. still you have to love them. you have to ignore the bad and love the good. but she says Im nuts

guess its just a phase. guess I was like that then too. hard. clean. proud. unbending??? now Im softer cz Im beaten to pulp? no - I dont want her like that. she's better of like this. my little angel pong. atleast she's still clean. free from cancerous pity and fear

saw hrishikesh. who is he? tvs saregama(pa) ... dunno ... he has this innocent clean on his face. i saw him and felt scared. at the thought of him going through life ... here. now. like you'd feel scared if a happy cheerful shirping sparrow was hopping into a cobra's nest. thats the life Ive seen. thats the world Ive seen.

i lay on the terrace last night. on the railing ... at the edge. with a arm and a leg hanging on the otherside. vast stories rushing down below ... what a feeling. above ... cerullean skies, silver stars, wispy clouds and flashing lighting ... and ram da's jasmine spreading soaking sweet all around.

vertigo ... fear you will want to fall? yes - just finished "unbearable lightness ..." . back to sarte. "what is literature". read high fidelity. its re-defining. I lost my dvd though :(

Im listening to who's next, tommy and "breaks like a little girl" and ofcourse ghalib in the night. leaving for dubai today ... dreading it. empty rooms. dunno when Ill write again.

cry, sky of mine ... cry

it was my first rains in kolkata after ages
a real proper calcutta rain
the kinds where you bring down your glass windchimes for fear that they will break
and the kinds where you
run up to the terrace to get soaked in and ur
skin hurts bcz its coming down so hard
awesome rain ...
wild rain ...
driving rain
pouring rain

it raged all night
and in the morning when I woke
it had just begun to calm down
to a normal drop drop rythm

everyone was sleeping ... everyone wakes up late and sleeps late at my place ...
my room has huge windows all around and its just below the terrace (actually everyones is ...)
and the curtains were drawn
the room was dark, still, calm ...
and rain fell around
i woke up to the rythm ...
it felt like the sea waves
on the shell of a curled up animal

which reminded me of rahul and how he used to call me a turtle ... i miss rahul ...

and i fell back into
dream of seas, sand, solitude, sunrise or sunset and
gulls crying

went to SPE friday night anyway
it was great - someof the old adventure
not knowing if we will be able to go
till the end
it had all become so easy after we "grew-up"

and then sat again ... dylan night
met pom. she was a surpise
so different from what I expected
but so sweet. fresh. funny.
cute ... :)

she told me I looked "really old" compared to what she'd expected. which made me happy i guess :)

but the best thing was sunday ...
rahul II, munal and me ... we just lazed and roamed and loafed beyond imagining. and tried to redine
goodoldfashinoned kolkata style
changrami ...

im blue grey brown

i keep telling myself that its a new road ahead and all thatcrap
everything will be allright
no one is ever irrevokably, irredeemably doomed, cursed, written of...theres hope. but like everything else - Ivebecome numb to thattoo - underneath it all
everything i say do react to ... its all false - its all crap smiling, laughing, talking bcz if u knew - u would ask ... and if i told u the truth ... it would take me a year or two to finish for starts ...itsbeen such a long life

anyway - fuck it - who cares ... i met pom at t SPE - dylan night ... it was great. she is great

but its funny how you form these pre conceptions about people ... when u really haveno clue ... do you

like its funny how we interpret things everywhere - all forms of communication and cling to them in all our convinced glory

i miss sauce ... and chatts ...miss them like crazy. a "homecoming" doesnt seem complete without them ...

spoke to jinx ... mu bestfriend. everything is so sordid
i wonder why ... is that all its about endless series of let downs and dissapointments and curious people with their sordid curiousity?

no one really gives a flying fuck how you feel or if it can be fixed ... they justwanna know how /why / when ..."give them the story" "pour on the juice"

screwball ...i sound bitter and pissed off. not really. its just that being back in cal makes me a wee little bit truer to self and im more of a creep openly than otherwise

black night

i had the strangest dream...
i dreamt of one person divided into two
good and bad
and i killed the bad
in the horriblest way

i wrote this weird thing last night ...
cz I couldnt sleep
and i couldnt bear the mosquiotoes anymore
the ac was on in my room downstairs
but i was on the terrace
wondering if it would rain again

have you ever seen the rain?

its coming down in inky black
sheets and sheets white white streaks
im split in two
whos is who
why does the mirror still look so naive...
there was a scar,from every blow
why dont the scars show

because if you dont show the scars
if you hide ur pain and tears
they'llonly curse you
sooner or later
and be shocked at the mask

i cry all the time
cryings what i do
suddenly, mid conversation, mid-hug, mid-joke
i cant hold it anymore

looking back
i can trace
when my life started going wrong
6 months before i was born
thats wherethe mistkaes start

i dont have eyes
i dont have a mind
i dont have a heart

im just a crazy
blurr in the mirror

but it doesnt matter anymore"

its been so long since ...

its been 3 alomst years since i did this stuff
how did i ever do it!!! im back exactly where i started
the same crowd, the same team, same cobol, same black and green screen, same 6 year old broken computer, same 'analysis' ...

its so frustrating that i feel like resigning
or putting a gun to my head

and i did it to myself on purpose
sometimes i feel like laughing at myself
and big bloody srewball life i lead

how do i make u see
withouht seeing horror or blankness
in ur baby eyes

its not u -it never was
its just me i was outto destroy

how do i tell u to keep away
the hate i throw
like acid in ur face
was only for me inside

how do i make u go away
to safe places and normal people
im a little crazy
i always was

then being near her just makes it go wild

ive hated her, ive loved her
ive wanted to kill her
ivewanted to slap her, stamp her out, to break eevrything that was her

and ive hated myself
when the wonder returns
at how sweet she is - and how much i love her
after a long time - i was at work and something was happening
it was such an awesome feeling
however well i know i screwed up
and however bad this is ... its still a new start and
im still a part of %$# ... sheesh ... how institutionalised can you get!

anyway ... its like a new class after exams
however you screwed up in the exams
and whatever the f%^& u did in thehols
its still a new class!

and life sucks on ...

they are all ur best friends
though they never have a clue
of whats happening inside you
of all the demons chasing ur soul
they want to laugh and joke and booze and play
and roll in the grass
their world is a nursery world
of lullabies and honour and decencies
ur nurseries were painted with blood
ur nightlight burnt with incest
the very flowers that scent ur soul ... are deseert blooms of bitter fruits
poison ivy ... pretty, sweet and deadly
the breast that suckled you bled poison into ur veins
they cradle they rocked you on, the world you grew up in
the walls the gradens, the skies where you ran free and wild
a dessert, a sea, and lonely forests
they say they are your friends - near and dear
but how can you tell them
and how can you show them
what you know

the prodigal returns

been two weeks or so since ive been back here
so much had happened - both good and bad
i was dreading being back - scared of facing ghosts
but surprise - its been a long sweet dream till now
there! now that Ive said it out loud at last
i guess ill have screwballs for
breakfastlunchanddinner from tomorrow!

i was only away for 14 months ...
but so much has changed here
my palio has "grown smaller" my moms car
looks more familiar
my flowerchild kid sis has grown techier
than me
and her room has the writing on the wall ...
all over the walls and the ceiling ...
its mindFblowing!
and one of the only souls
i was looking fwd to meeting again has
moved on to other pastures ... my leo is gone
the #$%$^& didnt even tell me. she told me now.
after i came back ... i asked her to shut up -
i didnt wanna discuss it - and i made some f%^*#
pleasenteries ... but i howled loud all night and
woke up with a stomach ache. so u see -
in the real matters ur still alone -
as always ... bcz ur not brave enough to
let anyone get that close ...

as for the rest - the fat one is here -
so the nights have been a long blur of rock
and booze and someplace else or on the terrace.
its heaven. been so long since I hung around
with some "normal people" - somehow martinians
never get to accept people who didnt go to "S chool"
as normal. and when six martinians get together
its mayhem and it rocks ...

the fat one - was "my first love" - at the
tender age of 10 up until the not so tender
age of 18 ... ofcourse he never paid any
attention cz you dont pay attention to girls
3 yrs junior when ur in school. we've been
good friends ever since and its
fun meeting him again.

i still miss "out there" though ...