the boy and the man

because he had not yet learned to make allowances
because he was still scared of the dark
because he still wanted his parents
because when i told him, he is not like other kids, he cant have his parents, he started asking

all the good people he met to be his parents
because he always embarrasses me
because he doesnt listen to me
because he keeps falling in love
because he wants to make friends
because like peter pan, he will never grow up
because like pinochio, he will never become real
because he always cries
because i cant make him see
this is how lifes meant to be
more sad than happy

so i killed the child inside
and left him locked up to die

but everyone in a while
i think his ghost survived

i killed the boy inside
and left the man to die


bahut socha
kuchh na samjha

bhul na chaaha
bhul na paaya

raat jo aasu rok lia tha
khud ko jo samhaal liya tha

dil tute, tute
maan na chhute

ek aasu sukh na paaya
re reh ke dastak de ta raha

usse unsuna kar diya
phir bhi bhulaaya na gaya

bahut socha
kuchh na samjha

bhul na chaaha
bhul na paaya


saalo chaukhat par ruki rahi
aage raasta, takti rahi
ab ayegi, ab ayegi

jab ayi yun ayi
toofan si banke zindagi
ek siski bharti shaam. chhor gayee zindagi
jab gayi, deep, taare, saas tak, bujha gayi zindagi


chhor ayi
mur ke bhi na dekha
chhor toh ayi
par bhulaaya na gaya

top five cute guys in film

watching love, actually, one on my fav movies and almost on the back of that, pride and prejudice, made me think of how gorgeous they both are and how tough it is to decide between them!!! so heres my top 5 men:

1) anthony hopkins
2) collin firth
3) hugh grant
4) liam neeson / alan rickman (tie)
5) gregory peck

and ofcourse - further east - saif, ajay devgan, big b, small b, uttam kumar. whats your list ur top 5 men / women (depending) ;)

for you

God, Destiny, Soul ... whatever you call It. It. It moves in strange ways. i remember a time when seething in one of my famous r.b.t. rages i stuck out my tongue at a framed picture i had on my desk. i thought it was the end of the world. nothing could be worse. nothing could ever matter again going forward. i cried and i cried till i threw up. ill never forget ... i stood in the middle of my bedroom, with the non stop rain outside, held the post on the bed, and i cried. from the bottom of my stomach. i wish i could tell you, "but later after sometime had passed i realised it had all been for the best and i was thankful to It and Its divine vision". but nothing as corny. it wasnt the end of the world. and it wasnt the last time it happened. it went on. and other things came. worse, more terrible things. and after some time i was too tired to cry. too tired to care. after sometime, you get used to the most unbearable of things. time. the sharpest of pains dulls with its passage. its just shock, not grief that gets you so badly. once you get used to it, its a bit easier. now i can even laugh when i think of it. i can see the funny side ... just think! all i ever wanted had been to come to this country. and its in this country that i met the two people who first taught me to hate. first taught me that there are bad people and good people. evil people. the two men i hate most in my life. the two lowest dirtiest men in the world. it sounds funny. dramatic. corny. and i laugh.
moving on

i think that things cant be good all the time. most of the times things will be ordinary. boring? restful. regular. there'll be a few times when we will be happy, ecstatic, satisfied, excited, grateful, proud. loved, cherished. laughing, cheerful. sated. friendly, welcome, kind, generous, caring. some of the time we will be unhappy, devastated, restive, betrayed, cheated, let down, hurt, bored, illtreated, beaten, beaten-up, trapped, used. slapped full in the face. humiliated. embarressed. sometimes life will treat us fair sometimes it will be unfair. sometimes we will get more than we could ever give. sometimes we will get abuses for the smallest mistakes where we got nothing for all we gave. sometimes it will happen that the people you loved and cared for. fed. looked after. will turn around and tell us that we were just using them. because you stopped giving just one time. bcz people cant take as much as you give. they want more. they want everything. they want u. they want ur soul. sometimes you will be loved. for no reason. totally. completely. someone will be your friend. even if for a moment. unexpectedly. you will be succesfull. you will win. sometimes you will win. most of the times you will lose. in some ways you will be an idiot. in a few ways you will be brilliant. ull screw up. ull be good. the point is, in the end it all evens out. "nothing really matters". whatever it is will be compensated. somewhere sometime, down the chain. when i was in the US it would sometimes happen that i put some coins in the vending machine but nothing happen. id get mad enough to kick the machine. bloody chor. but 3 or 4 times i went to get a pkt of chips and i got two instead (bcz they would get stuck in the rings that way)

there are times when i hurt. im hit. im down on my knees. broken. but then something bigger happens. to me or someone else and i come to know about it. to a child his parents divorce might seem like the end of the world. till his class mate loses his whole family in a car accident. it works in the reverse too. i knew this boy once who used to keep telling me that he had a devastating childhooh which he would never get over. he told me about it. and compared to our 'normal' childhoods. the kinds im used to ... i felt like laughing in his face. poor naiive little thing. he thinks that hurt! it depends on the angle in which you view the object. where your line of sight is coming from. or the time. when i have a toothache, it kills me. i feel crippled. i feel like i cant concentrate on anything else. ever. till this gets better. then i start reading something really good and suddenly i realise i had, for a stretch, forgotten all about my tooth. the tooth become the center of my body and my universe. at that time it feels like no other part of my body is that vulnerable to hurt. a headache is still bearable. a bad tummy is just a irritation. but a tooth. its overwhelming. but when i get a migraine, it all shifts ...

but whatever it is all this wisdom only comes after the fact. when the heat of feeling has cooled. when ur blue ur just blue. and nothing makes sense. and logic thrown at you then is just a pi the a. and all you want to do is throw it back at wiseguy's head!

top ten things i would wish for if a genie appeared

1) big house, mind blowing kitchen, 8 babies
2) someone sensible to talk to all the time / anytime
3) enough money to buy a few useless things, thoughtlessly ... once in a while.
4) to understand everything i want to understand. like me. like life
5) would like to say no one anywhere to ever suffer - but thats not possible i guess. so forgiveness. understanding. and that noones suffering crosses the threshold of bearability?
6) free books (i choose) for a lifetime (probably a attic library in aforementioned house - refer point 1)
7) free calls (whereever / whenever - i choose) for a lifetime ;)
8) free hols (whereever / whenever - i choose)for a lifetime ;)
9) a big dog. or a any dog (except a spitz)
10) one perfect lilly - a canna lilly, pink and orange. in a white velvet lined box

what would you wish for?

the forest

do we ever grow? do we ever mature? learn? soar?

i flipped the pages of the journal i have written in since before i joined college and carried with me even if i havent written too often. how little i have changed. the same sly. the same naiive. same stupid insecurities. same tall pride. crippling egos high walls around. gauche, shy, bold, evil. the same gush (gawd i love byron). the same fears (what if they go away). the same guilt (barbs - i ran). the same longing for sleep. for escape. the same infatuation with wakefulness. the same hours. the same insomnia. same bitter coffe. dark choc. the books, the movies, the thoughts ... same basic patterns. the same doubts. same loneliness. no friends. so many friends. same missing home. missing him. waiting for him to come home. always. like all the other girls. homework. pujo. scoldings. beatings. even beatings. all those substitutes. all those false idols. all those dogs. all that price. for a fools quest. and now we are friends. such good friends. i love you. now we ar such good friends i can let go. i can go on. maybe i can even grow up ... ?

death, or other doors to freedom

dont you ever wonder ... what it means? why we are here?


i hate saying no to people i like, but though i can give everything i cant give myself. how do you give that you never had?

happiness? it was never my forte. its too light. too thoughtless. too airy. nsubstancial. like a lemon souffle. i dont like lemon souffles. i like rich dark chocolate.

a happy post. what is happiness. is is joy? or is it peace? or is it satisfaction? we cant hold it in our words, substantiate it. we cant even understand it. atleast i cant

what kind of happiness? giddy, early morning, im the king of the world happiness? tired and sated, end of the day - sinking to well earned rest kind of happiness? or just there inside me all the time - peaceful kind of happiness?

how does happiness show? how does it manifest? so often when im happy i am also pensive, thinking, brooding. and people ask my "why are you so gloomy". so often im so miserable im hysterical. laughing, joking, mirth edged with desperation. & people say "i love it when ur so bright".

so tell me what is happiness? how does it come through?

to be continued

once, deep in the night, as they all lay cuddled into their dreams, below and around me, i crouched on the edge, as often before, and wondered if it was worth the experiment. but the last thought that fell, echoing in the black wells of my mind was that, there was still so much to think about

at first sight

have you ever noticed how there are some people, with whom you are immediately at ease. you feel like you have always known them, in a metter of moments. it does not necessarily follow that you need to be immensely close to them, even like them or even be honest with them

but more importantly, have you ever noticed that there are some people whom you just NEVER get comfortable with? you go to their place every week, but you still dont feel at home there. you meet them every day, still ur ill at ease. when they crack a joke you wonder later - did i do something wrong - were they hinting at something? when they frown you worry. when you jabber out of control with them, you take stock as soon as you stop

thats what i meant when i said in the first second you meet someone you know, all you ever will know. your whole relationship, your whole association ... frozen into a preview in that one fraction of a moment. you just have to watch out for it


i wonder why i did it? is it just idle curiousity that leads us to poking old wounds? i pushed down on the scab, i poked around the edges, i scratched at it ... its just a think dry mound of dead skin. its sealed tight. the festering, the rotting, the hurting ... sealed tight forever. below my thick skin.

i bowed my head and ran away from the courtyard. the other kids went on playing. u walked away without your half of the shame. so i took that with me too. its still here, in the palm of my hand. i sneak a look when i'm about to forget

a tiny bird flew down and hopped into the shade of the bush. bright and cheery. is it a robin? a lark? a sparrow? just behind her a trail of blood. below her a thorn sticks out. its a thornbird. it flies and hops everywhere with a thorn in its flesh. so that it can never forget. what it can never forget is that its the lowest, the meanest, the ugliest, basest, most useless of all creatures. god made it by mistake. but when he tried to undo his error, it was too late. so he gave him the thorn. so that he never forgets. so that he remembers to stay away from other birds. so that his shadow never falls on anything else. every now and then some kind soul will feel sorry for such a poor little bird. a hand will stretch out, with some morsels of food. he will simper. hop on. then peck at the hand till it shal bleed. he will thus ensure, that he is always hated. that he always gives pain to everyone who is nice to him. he is thr thornbird. the vehicle of night in gods days.

rainbows, sunshine and clouds

behind the rainbow
theres a forest
black as the night, thick as sleep
behind the rainbow theres a forest
for souls that seek the rainbows end
to get lost in

inside the sun theres a fire
hot as the final home
deep as lethe
inside the sun theres a fire
for those souls
who seek the light to be forever burnt in

above the clouds
theres a field of ice
as cold as mercy
as colourless as virtue
above the clouds theres a field of ice
for those souls
who want to be good
to soar into


my shadow
uv always been
in my first fright
i ran from you
but you stayed
stuck to me, always right behind

you read what i read
you heard what i heard
i ...
in my morning
still so full of 'i'
desperate to be different
aching to for a voice
i ran from the world
and you stuck on behind

i stamped on your thin frail feet
i hit out at the shimmering face

i did all i could
till u hated me

now noon is past
im marching behind

im stuck to you
my shadow

you ...
in your morning
still so full of 'i'
desperate to be different
aching to for a voice
you're running from the world
and im stuck on behind
i shout out
my voice dull with age
theres nothing where we're headed for

but you only hide

ur hiding from the waves of my voice
ring out from the center of my void
u hide ur eyes from the light rays
that come out of my darkness

u dont wanna know
where u will go

dont wanna see
whats happened to me

my shadow
so much more real than i could ever be

my shadow shines
im only dark

my shadow
has substance. im empty and fake

my shadow stretch longer, longer, longest

Lullaby III

ill sing you songs of pain
ill sing to you of love and hate
life and death
bitter regret
ill sing you lullabies
that would be sure to make you cry ...

but happiness ...
what do i know of that

id sing silly songs
made up in my head
if i try to sing
of happiness