The Passion Of The Christ

I just saw the The Passion Of The Christ
As a picture, I loved it. The photography is brilliant, the costumes, the screenplay, the framing of the whole story ...
But something else. I dont know if the narration was so evocative, the setting out of the play so effective
or the subject so well known and loved ... but it just seemed so real
I cry at every movie, and sob at a lot of movies.
But I looked around in the semi dark hall and saw many other people, men & woman,
sobbing, crying like something dreadful was happening in front of them, to them
I had heard that the violence was bloody and vivid ... but i didnt anticipate how much

I saw his interview in the morning. They were talking about how the movie seemed to be moving people
and asked him to comment on what kind of effect did he hope the movie would have
He said he hopes it will forment a feeling of love between fellow men. will it? i hope so too. inshallah.

Somehow historic stories of this time make me feel that these are all linked in some way. the jews, the arabs, the aryans. but how? and if so why is it like this?

"Abre Los Ojos"

another week has gone by. another rest rolled in. why does this one feel more earned? or am I premature as usual.
why does it feel like im alive? i know - 3 reasons - its a secret!

a remembered taste rumbles in my stomach - and knocks me off my feet with its intensity ... rumballs from flury's park!!! street! Aaaah ... Calcutta! to miss you again ...

I saw Abre Los Ojos. liked it. its different from vanilla sky. yet interesting. different in treatment. in feeling.

what if life were like that - tech support ... there are moments I have a strong feeling like that
a short ephemereal surreal stab of a feeling ... the latest was this morning in the parking lot - it was dark - early yet - I was walking very fast - no one was around - suddenly a man popped out like from no where - and he smiled in passing - there was a certain undefinable quality in his smile - he smiled the way you would smile at someone you know very well ... there was a certain undefinable quality in the moment - like the moment when she said "we never had to take any of this seriously, did we" and he smiled. It happened to me once before on a bus in bristol. a little girl. she was sitting opposite the door - as I climbed on she smiled - there was a certain undefinable quality in the smile - like how u smile at someone in a brief pause of make belive in the school play while hurrying between scene changes

"Abre Los Ojos" "Not yet hombre - I still enjoy this ride"

160 - 160 - 20

Im getting there
I woke up at 4:45
was in the gym by 5:30
had my session with the lady till 6:40
then I did my workout till 7:10
Got ready in 30 mins - no dreaming in the sauna
Got home by 7:50 ... but STILL reached work late
God - I need to stop - I came home just bcz of that
what weakness. what addiction. what madness
i can feel my insides tearing. ive been on it for 15 years now
ive run away from everyone who tried to help me stop
making them enemies
its like another person in me - a devil - a spirit
Im as bad as baba almost now
i need to stop. i HAVE to stop
sex, love, rock & roll,idling, dreaming, flirting,
eating, drinking, drugs & smoking
everything that feels good & everything thats banned
By the cold and religious we were taken in hand
Shown how to feel good and told to feel bad
I got a mail from him early this morning
Do you remember me, how we used to be
Now he is so far away
In every possible way
Now theres no reaching him inside him anymore
Now we mail and smile and chat and laugh
like strangers in two seperate worlds
Live our seperate lives, And we go our seperate ways
Cause we dont see eye to eye
And we cant stand face to face
Pom - I tried to warn you. I hope I was wrong
That it wont feel the same for you
I got a missed call from my dad
I called back and he said he just called
He made me call back cz he was short :)
Hah - what a joke
my one year is way less than his one month
Poor me. Poor Poor me. Poor indigent, in capable, poverty struck, worthless, failing, struggling, gasping to keep up with them, choking, falling back behingd even the stragglers me.poor also ran me

8:52 in the morninga cup of black hot strong and self pity
wow! thats not the way to do it babe
Im cool. Im awesome. Im one of the nicest people I know
Im fun. Ive areally cool sense of humour
If I was someone else - Id be crazy about me
And Im moving everyday
Im getting there. Late starters dont have to lose
Life is a long distance race - he who lasts win.
And Ill last.
Ive survived things that would make ur hair curl if you knew. All my life as long as Ive lived.
Ive sinned, Ive done bad, that would make ur hair curl if you knew.
Things u cant imagine, things you have never dreamed - aisa bhi hota hai - issi duniya mein
And Ive had good like that too. Amazing goodness, Amazing prizes, Amazing Prices :)And then Ive looked back and laughed ... I love you baby.
You're the man.

a day in the life of ...

dear blog,

i woke up at 5 am today (actually 5:07) to beethoven on the radio
sat at the comp with my coffee and my sustainence - in full zombie mode
Then I looked at the clock - I was late - had wanted to reach by 5:30 today
Still time - I got out by 5:35 ... But every piece of glass in the car was covered with a thick layer if ice like a teenager with a face mask on. I sat inside and put the defrost thing on. waited. then I got out. fetched a cloth ... no good. got out. fetched some water - worked - but misted over again before I knew it. All this in the pitch dark ... with queen singing - appropriately - melancholy blues - from inside the car

anyway - I got to the gym at 5:50. Hunted out the card thing she asked me to right stuff on. huffed through the workout. got to the weights ... all excited ... but it was no fun. she thinks Im a pansy. I could do this much in my sleep!!! Oh Yeah ... !

7:10 climb up to the locker. Tell myself to run-prero-run, but get "caught up" in the sauna. Im addicted to the sauna atmosphere. Just the fact that no one comes there and it feels like a little log cabin in the end of nowhere. I just love to lie down there and dream. only trouble with, dream is, Im dreaming my life away. Okay then I get out get dressed and painted and get into the car. Its 7:40 - I need to be at work at 8. There still some time to get home for some sustainence if I RUNNNNNNNNNNNN

Big chance. Getting out (btw the gym is bang opp a police something) I cant figure out how to cross the road and go to the extreme left - with cars swishing fast from every which way ... takes me about 7 mins.

By the time Im home after a mini scrap with a co worker about if I could get a lift (i HAT driving sometimes) - I got to work at 8:20 - 20 mins late

tokhun theke laat khachhi. kaaj to kichhui nei.

yesterday I finished the last of my cooked food. I dont have the enthu to cook again. I came back from work at 6PM. Had a soak with a nice glass of wine for an hour. dreaming :). Then heated up dinner and ate. Talked to Teddy. and settled down in bed for the night with Mary (Queen of Scotts) and my new jasmine yling ylang pillow perfume. Woke up at 12 - sleep walked to the kitchen and stole some bitter chocolate and then lay in the dark and slipped and tumbled back and forth between dreams and sleep ... till the beethoven rang out at 5

And My Most Favourite Two ...

Jeff Bebe: Some people have a hard time explaining rock 'n' roll. I don't think anyone can really explain rock 'n' roll. Except Pete Townshend, but that's okay. Rock 'n' roll is a lifestyle and a way of thinking... and it's not about money and popularity. Although, some money would be nice. But it's a voice that says, "Here I am... and fuck you if you can't understand me." And one of these people is gonna save the world. And that means that rock 'n' roll can save the world... all of us together. And the chicks are great. But what it all comes down to is that thing. The indefinable thing when people catch something in your music.

Penny Lane: Maybe it is love, as much as it can be, for somebody - William Miller: Somebody who sold you to Humble Pie for fifty bucks and a case of beer! I was there! I was there! . . . Look- I'm sorry. Penny Lane: [sniffs] What kind of beer? Penny Lane: Look - you should be happy for me. You don't know what he says to me in private. Maybe it is love -- as much as it can be...

A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed that what really matters is WHAT you like, not what you ARE like. Books, records, films – these things matter! Call me shallow, it’s the fucking truth. It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party. - Rob

The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives. What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? - Rob

one vision

I had a dream
When I was young
A dream of sweet illusion
A glimpse of hope and unity
And visions of one sweet union
But a cold wind blows
And a dark rain falls
And in my heart it shows
Look what they've done to my dreams

Words and music by Freddie Mercury,Brian May,Roger Taylor and John Deacon, God works in mysterious ways


i bunked work! half day! oh, what bliss!
ill sleep and sleep and sleep ...
i adore being at home in the afternoon on a working day!
i didnt want to - i fought it - but i had no solid work
and it was that horrible sloooooooooooooooow day feeling that slowly seeps into ur brain
and makes u go deaddeaddeader till plonk you collapse and u just have to run
maybe its the bandh in kolkata - and the eid in dubai - heh heh!
i felt like i was the only one in the (my) world working ;)
or I can come up with a 1000 and 1 more colorful excuses ...

but the real reason is i also had fever
had it for a while now - but today it was killing me
even to sit up straight be polite in general conversation was an effort a notch beyond the limit
so here I am in heaven

listening to jim morrison & chatting with drumsticks
I woke up to classical music on the radio
And then drove to work to Lynnard Skynnard & Eddie Van Halen
How good does a day get?
its 8:30 and Ive been up for 3.5 hours
to the gym and back and at work early!!!

what a beautiful day! A wonderful morning!
everything is so great all around when Im not mad at myself :-)
But 'myself" is so hard to please

the voice in my head goes dont get to cocky u ass - lets see how long it lasts, u loser. And didnt u get lost on ur way back from the gym ...

I spent a nice clean weekend. Totally solitary & I didnt even switch on the comp or the phone - almost. Its so hard to shake them all of and such bliss when u manage.

Went to the Deep Purple show (which was mind blowing). Spring Cleaned my house. Read my maryqueenofscotts and cooked chana chawal for myself. In the evenings I saw Yadein & Wings of Hope. With the new cheese and old wine and the spiced olives.

The concert was brilliant. But unforunately I dragged along someone who's not at all into music (as we know it)
so that part of it was pretty pathetic - I felt horrible about having brought him along perforce bcz it was obvious he was getting thouroughly bored and kept reminding me about this by his comments. Also my music is something I feel kind of funny about - that is I dont like to discuss books or music I like a lot - its kind of feels personal. and when someone criticises or makes fun of it - I feel horrible - though I never say anything - I just laugh - but I feel lousy and - me being me - run as fast as I can.

Over the weekend I had a fight with someone! He said he didnt want to speak to me anymore - hah! like Im dying to talk to anyone!!! I hate it when people are absurd and he was acting truly demented! He is one of the most immature confused and selfish people I know. And is probably right now busy telling all his friends what a bitch I am. But he is decent otherwise so I know I will feel bad about the whole thing and go out of my way to patch up in a few days ... whats wrong with me?

spoke to saab - after ages today. got a missed call with no number. just knew it was him. I ran out and called him back. Hmmm ...

dementia is back

Q: why did he do this - it was so unnecessary
A: bcz thats the way he is. if u were him and in his shoes u would have done the same ... probably

Q: why do I keep fucking up
A: bcz I cant learn to keep with my type

Q: what my type
A: people who have fucked up & missed all the buses theer were and know it and can laugh about it hysterically. screwed up people. with messed up childhoods. 'losers' who dont give a shit about the game. "this is what I am and fuck you if you cant understand it"

Observation - in 28 years I have had come across only two guys - who liked me - independantly. they hurt me more than any of the guys I liked who didnt give a shit about me. people who like you are so cruel. people who dont give a shit r so much kinder

Q: why am I so pathalogocally obsessed with what other people think of me
A: bcz Im a "wannabe goodie" - a bad person disguised as good person - paranoid that the brilliant disguise will fall apart any minute

Q: why do I keep fucking up at work
A: same reason I fucked up at school. obsess with everything that doesnt matter and forget that this all there really is

Q: am I demented
A: yes

Q: is there hope
A: NO WAY!!!! and the fact that Im laughing at this proves it!!!
hes such a creep! how do people store such filth in their minds? its so difficult to know whats on someones mind. jinx is right - ALL men are assholes. u could be with him 12 out of 24, 6 out of 7 and have no fucking CLUE whats on his mind.

my weekend

tiring. but nice. clean
so much left to do. i dont believe its so near now
im almost panicked.
saw a movie - my fathers daughter
it was traumatic - almost!


finally saw trainspotting. all of it. is okay
its been a long time since I kept awake till 5:30 reading
im reading mary queen of scotts. its immanse
i started studying yesterday. the exams on the 20th
i hope i pass somehow
i studied hard till 2 ... but of course took a short break to watch calcutta-mail - abridged
god bless the forward button
yesterday - one more futile attempt to give it up! o bugger me
found this online:

From the unreal lead us to the Real,
From darkness lead us to Light.
From death lead us to immortality.

vanilla sky

i saw vanilla sky. i was told its vague and boring and mind blowing ... rahul, nirmal & munal. no wonder ma says me and munal are siamese ...
its mind blowing!

The Rodeo

The Rodeo
I went for the San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo
It was brilliant ... the show, the crowd - jam packed with stetsons and cowboy boots, the drive, Alan Jackson and finding my way back with the clock raced to 12. I uploaded the photographs
wonderful wonderful weekend!
like a run and a nap in golden fields of hay
with "quiet waters by"
and a sun that shines and shines and shines ...

actually it rained
but it was wonderful
listening to the sound of the rain between one song ending and another starting

listening to alternately to a motley mix of led zep &
girija devi and "kuchh kho raha hai, kuchh mil raha hai"

cooking, eating, laughing and clowning around all day. reading, crying, remembering - all night ...

yes, surely sorrow has its joys too? the sweet side of pain?

"As I walked along the winding roads
Every cross road seemed to me to be climactic,
Fate deciding, and ultimate
Each decision that I had to make a alone,
I bent double under, pacing back and forth between the options
A million times, before I fearfully, hesitantly put one foot forward
And took my first tentative steps along the chosen path.
Convinced, a mistake will mean forever doom.
Some times I was wrong, sometimes I was right.
But lifes mistakes were never fatal.
I should know, Ive made so many.
But even when you take a wrong turn, the worst that happens
Is a unwanted detour. A forced wait that teaches much good
Discipline. Desire. Strength.
In hindsight, each point seems so trivial
No right. No wrong.
Just a rainbow scattered lines and points.
Making up one unique path. One unique life.
And a life, so beautiful."
after a very long time I visited a new blog. it was a great feeling in itself. and the blog was interesting too. and dark enough to suit my present mood, yet flippant enough that you can convince urself ur kidding.

i realised that i really started liking these things ... ruled post-it's

something has come into my range of vision ... though its far away. its been ages since i felt once again that i want something. not "i want" like i wanna be saved from something. or not "i want" like selecting something thats on offer ... but this ...
do I dare wish for it? i dunno. what silly things i set my heart upon ... if anyone knew - they'd be so amused. its no big deal for most people. just a platform. just a project. just a job. just a company ...

yesterday i took a class - 51 people - OMG - i freaked. is this the same me whose heart felt like rollercoaster on a downward swing when a i had to speak to more that 2 people at a time? strange disease. im not shy. i can walk upto strangers and be on old cotton tshirt terms in an hour but I cant relax with more than two people at a time even if they are my mom dad grandmom level of familiarity ...

i saw the cutest little boy in class. looked just like Him. i dont blv it can feel so strange. even after all these years? how long have i not seen The face. 5 years, 6 years. and i still remember every shade of every strand of hair. every scar and its history. every look and its meaning. the exact way his voice would sound - colored with a certain emotion - laughter, anger, sorrow. in any given situation, without consciously thinking about it the first thing that comes to my mind is what he would have said. that much familiarity. nothing more, nothing less. who is more cursed than them who ran away from love ... my horoscope said strange things about a virgo in this year. hah ... "oh no ... not again"
spoke to rajesh again today. i talk to him often. but there was something vageuly different ...
oh pls - dont fall for that shit bebu

this is my faourite time of the week. Thursday EOD. WoW! I wanna get stoned. Immaculate.
Today Im listening to ...
lagaan lagi & "aag lage saare duniya ko, main teri ho gayi re balamji


"Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here

And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here

I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears

And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But -- there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad

You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box

I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got

There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away

And she kept on telling me
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad"

thats what you get for being a plagiarist

the United Nations!

Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to
completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long
way to go.  You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each
other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of
beating each other about the head and torso.  Sometimes it works and sometimes
it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result.  But your heart
is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.

Take the Country
at the Blue Pyramid

interpeter of maladies

i saw half of LoC
It was ... good till now

i started trainspotting last night but I couldnt finish it
cz people kept calling

i made palak paneer today for the first time
it was mind f blowing - Im TOO cool man ;)

saw a deer inside the complex
it crossed the street and came over for a evening visit!
for me it was really an exciting moment

and jhumpa l has me held.
first time since "love and other demons" im carrying a book around all day
"needing someone is like needing a parachute - if they're not there the first time you need them, chances are you probably wont need them again"

why do we place such a high premium on "letting people in" and "reaching out to people"? how many people does anyone know who genuinely gives flying-fuck? we are all individual people. with individual lives. and individual problems. and you just have to learn to be lonely and love it. Everything else is bollocks

i got a missed call today. when I got back from my meeting and called the number back a little little boy picked up and before I could say anything he launched into a torrent of words punctuated by "mamma". I dont know why I started crying. Is this the equivalent of "I spy a family" from WHMS

a 1000 acres

i saw a 1000 acres.
it was very disturbing
ive left the dvd to see one more time

there are two kinds of people in this world
nice normal happy people
and people with "funny" childhoods
and the twain shall never meet
its a "us and them" thing.
and they will never understand. thank god. poor little things

when the movie is ending ginny, the eldest sister is left with her younger sisters kids
almost everyone else has died
and she says, they are the real inheritence. i watch them grow
and i see in them, something me and my sister never really had.
i see hope.

perhaps its true
the lost kids, never really have hope.
its like being born with aids. u fight it in different ways brave and beautiful. or dirty and bitter
but at the end of the day ur just trying to kill time till u die. ur marked.

im gonna watch trainspotting now
highly recommended by the kiddo
lets see how that is

im reading interpretor of maladies, by jhumpa lahiri
my firt book by an indian author. lets see how that goes.
i dont know what made me start it! besides anirban's enthusiasm!

i had a beautiful sunday!
last night I stayed up till 4 am
spoke to everyone except jinx
after ages
read. surfed. watched movies.
this morning I woke up at 9
tried frantically to call jinx but didnt get through
cleaned the house.
watched a movie. made (bad) upma
went to the library, walmart, spoke to my dad. cried a few tears hidden in the toilet papers section of walmart.
tried to catch rahul on the phone but failed as usual.
laughed at myself. went to my feelgood joint - IHOP and ate a HUGE steak omlette
saw a beautiful sunset that reminded me of "the sun is setting like molasses in the sky"
and now Im home and planing one of my massive ritual soak baths.
i woke up late
did odd jobs around the house
lots a precious possesion
sat on the sidewalk in the sun and ate chocolate ice cream
felt lonely
saw three movies
had 3 conversations
and cooked chicken with herbs and honey
what a beautiful day!

i saw white oleander, dead man walking & original sin

in white oleander i liked something that her mother says ... loneliness is an essential part of the human experience. you will never get rid of it. learn to accept it and enjoy it. dont get attached to the first person who shows and interest in you out of fear of loneliness

i dead man walking i liked the way she is torn between the two sides of the story. what is right. what is wrong. i liked the way the keep showing the flashback of the kids killing the rat ... her one of them. cast the first stone.

in the original sin i liked the end when the boy monk says ... "but no one is innocent"