For M (who knows who she is)

you are right. we've come a long way: you, me, us. if you would believe me, there were many points along the road that i missed you, suddenly and intensely, and i tentatively tried to feel my way back. you were one of the few souls who always unquestioningly let me come and go, and accepted that it was never meant badly, but was just a fall-out of my gypsy ways. i was like the gypsy who had to roam, and you were like the the householder who let me in some nights, whenever i came calling, through the back door and sat with me in a dimly lit kitchen and shared with me a glass of wine, stories and dreams. and you made me feel safe, and i came in and talked to your dog, and your rocking chair, and even fell in love with your old man, a little. and it was warm, so i took of my heavy mask, and put my weapons down, in a corner by the fire. and took out the hidden bags of words and dreams and memories, and the precious special tobacco, saved for special occasions and never touched. thus it was with you and me. and i tried to to test the waters and see if to test if you would still let me come back, but maybe fear, or age, made my knocking fingers tremble, and you didn't hear. and i thought you were busy, with your world, and went away again. but i thought of you, always, along the way. of all the friends i made along the way, you were the one soul who always let me come and go. i always loved you, and i always will, but that's not what makes you special. i felt safe, and i felt loved.

for my little one?

packed in drawers
with the rest of childhood,
hidden in blue-lined books
with formulas and equations,
untouched for years,
and gnawed at by a growing family of termites,
this time home coming,
i found these words,
and the dedication,
for my little one.

"We, the wild falcons of these skies,
the soft orphans of these tumultuous times,
the sweet, intoxicating, poison-hearted, wicked-thorned
Wildflowers of the desert of progress,

We, with delicate bright and fragile petals
with burning acid centers that sear you when u reach them,
much disguised, too late to draw out, to draw out whole,
caveat-emptor, proceed at your your own risk

Will we ever find a home in the Garden
of the Gentle & Wise Gardener
with leather gloved Hands
Will we ever, find our way back to heaven

He was the witch, with the magic potion
The Lord of good and bad
the searing burning deforming goodness
the last hope & salvation
the only one who could save us
could i reach you in time
before you sold out
the price, to learn submission
and faith

The full moon, one night old
the hungry winds screaming down deserted roads
dried and shriveled hearts
empty and drained souls
flashing down the deserted night
a lone peregrine, gray and white
dreams, gone with yesterday
hopes, dead with the last week
but red flames run behind
to even look back would be scorching
to keep running on is the only way left open
into the welcoming heart of the deep dark sea

and then I saw you in the meadow
Night painted dark the hedgerow
No silver moon shone that night
All the light was in from your eye
I stopped and dipped into those eyes

A break in our forever forward strides
You held my hand and made me stop
Something made my heartbeat drop
But i cud never be still for long enough
Shrugged off the feeling and we walked off
Still i knew u remained
somewhere along the road
sometimes a little ahead sometimes behind
not holding hands, not mating lips
but ur were there
somewhere on the same path
we have destinies to fulfil
long way to walk, you and me

i dreamt of a faery
ethereal in the night
i dreamt of clouds
glowing with light
i dreamt of u
i draemt that u died
i dreamt of me going on
empty inside

and this:

It was a deep stormy night
You slept through that night, peaceful
I kept watch
I never saw you, had not really known you
But I knew u were so small & vulnerable
I could feel you
I do not know who you are, do not know how you are
lone star in the dark of the night, sweeter by far
than anything I ever deserved
u came to me for love & safety
i knew that much, yet i drove you away
i had too
now it hurts so much to think of you and all the joy we could have had, together
I will hold this pain forever
I'll never forget you
lone star in the dark of the night,
sweeter by far than anyone anywhere.
sweet child, sweet smile,
big big brown eyes.
gentle and soft,
trusting & lost.
home and safe a night before,
now lost and wandering for evermore.
gone forever, only to remain
in my heart, as a bittersweet pain.


why was the world created
and populated with life
and made, each so beautiful
and i put in it
if i cant write about it ...
i feel the beauty like a knife in my heart
it moves me so ...
life all around
seasons changing
places turning
people live, dying, growing.
but i? i cant write about it"


When we are lost, or when we have lost something, the mind keeps drifting back to all the points on the way before the losing. is this what the feel-good-club calls following your bliss? today i can think of three such moments, in random order: walking to portobello from richmond in the rain, all three hours of it, to say farewell to a passion laid to rest; driving in Calcutta, through the rain, to Sector V; Walking along Fredricksburg Road, the day after I arrived in San Antonio.

What is in common to them all? A new start. A new hope. A new goad. Recovery from heart ache or failure. Finding the courage to start again. But most of all, blissful ignorance that one more disaster, and one more heart-break lurked just round the corner, each more debilitating than the next.

Does life have an infinite capacity to recover and re-start? Perhaps, perhaps not. Sometimes, sometimes not. Like everything else in nature, its just a roll of the dice.

A Happy New Year: Will it be?

In the end we are all looking for a friend, a confidante. Stuck in complicated times, a trapped in complicated roles, we are all looking for someone to tell our troubles to. I used to wonder at our own vanity, I used to be amazed that I, and so many people like me, are so enamored by my own self and my own thoughts, feelings, opinions that we so obsessively want to share each fleeting feeling and thought with our own virtual communities. I wondered what lay behind this hunger, this 'stroke greed'.

But then I realized that we're probably a very lonely generation. A lot of us are caught in flux, trapped between changing social times. We really belong nowhere and fit in with noone. More than ever before, we have no friends, no family, no intimate social circle in the conventional sense to share our problems with, to whine to, vent steam to, share concerns and pleasures with, celebrate success and mourn failures with.

I was born in Syria, grew up in India and have spent the last two decades in two continents and four different cities. I grew up with my grand-parents, came to live with my parents when I was ten and left when I was eighteen. Most of my friends are people either too young to identify with the faint birth pangs of midlife crisis, or they are already planning which school to put their third child in, and therefor in a different place. I dont feel like I belong anywhere, geographically or socially.

I think the point is that an increasing number of people dont fit in anymore. They belong to none of the classic social categories and therefore have very few friends they have common concerns with. I am sure this category misfits always existed, but there werent so many. Or maybe I just feel it more since I am one of them.

Also, there are more single people than ever before, or again, you are more conscious of more single people than ever before. At first glance this appears to be because more people chose their careers over family. But I think thats only part of the reason. I think a large part of the reason is that more and more people didnt fit. The easy early hook-ups were more common amongst socially similar people. People you can relate to easily, have things in common with, have common goals, principles and ideas with. Which has become more and more difficult and as time goes on, and also as time goes on become more important, in a twisted cycle. On top of that I think the new social structure has made infidelity either more omnipresent, or more conspicuous, or both. While all the while the shrinking social structure means that all those little social needs and itches that were once scratched by family, cousins, friends, children have now all converged on the significant other - making frustration with one's partner almost inevitable. I'm this affects existing partnerships, and people on the verge of forming a new alliance.

So maybe the connection between 'our generation' and its new social structure is the classic case of which came first, the chicken or the egg. Do I blog because I have noone to talk to, or do I have no real friends because cyber friendships fill all my free time?