who do you need, who do you want, when you come undone

I'd thought of this once before. The songs that suddenly pop up like background music in ur head ... they come up there for a reason. Maybe its something / someone deep down inside telling you something.

Once I was having a fight with a freind. For some obscure reason the words kept playing in my head "this might be a devillish ploy but its one way to bring these proceedings to and end". Another time, the music of the song "amazing" kept ringing in my head ... I was going on my first onsite assignment ... it was an unbelievable feeling.
Couple of times since yesterday I keep hearing "and they'll all come to greet me ..." Oh man! This is crazy! I dont even know if its gonna happen yet and Im desperately trying to keep myself from getting excited. I keep having involuntary flashes in my head. The sights, the smells, feelings ...

I dont understand why. Ive been away from home for much longer periods without feeling the slightest thing, so why am I acting like the 'castaway'!!! Maybe bcz so much has happened since I came here! I cant blv its just been a few months. What a grand unholy mess Ive made :)

No its different here from what it was in the UK. Everything is totally different. I did stuff there. I had friends. Ma cameover 3 times and Baba came over 3 or 4 times. Konkon came once. We used to go out to places. We went out in the weekends. There were other people in team. We all went for lucnh together. There was the city that was so magical. So beautiful. The library. The river. The club. The rowing. The dojo. There was Emma and her cute little car and all those faraway countryside pubs we went to. There was the damn. We often went over deep in the night - just push off on impulse. Dark village-ish roads. Bordered by trees and stone walls. A lone cyclist suddenly appears by the side of the car. You crack jokes ... "did u notice if his feet were facing the right direction" ... Suddenly theres that quiet swishing sound in the dark. And you know your almost there. lean on the wall and watch the silver blue ... above and below. 2 ciggerettes. And then back home again. I used to be tired. But we used to have so much fun!

I keep telling myself that its just that its all so new here. Once I settle down and get to know people and stuff everything will be fine. But its not really happening. Theres something about this place. Its dry. I got to know a lot of people. Different people doing different things in different cities and states ... but so many of them seem to be so lonely. Its almost a common denominator. You make tonns of friends to hang out with but theres no real bonding with anyone. Maybe its the island culture :)

But all this is just crappy hallucinations of an insane-ish mind. Have you ever felt that if someone knew what I was thinking they would lock me up? I do more and more frequently.

When I was in Pune for my BE while the rest of my gang was back in Cal ... I thought I missed Cal so much. When I came back 4 years later, I realised I what I had missed was a time and not a place. A time of carelessness. A time of irresponsible exhilarating blissfull ignorance. A time when nothing matted except what Im gonna do for new years or what chapters to skip for the next exam or how sad Mrs D'Silva in LSP looked yesterday. Go to school come back, do home work, do interact duties ... and your quota of being good is done and over. For the rest of the time you can do whatever the hell you want and not think twice about it. When the worst that could happen was that Ma would Shout. When there were no troubles which I couldnt tell Chatts or feel scared to start crying over ... lest I could never stop.

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