Fire in the apartment block
so what if my lifes freezing over
6 fire trucks and an ambulance and police car
what happened? someones fire alarm went off!
this is the US of A, baby!

Im GOING to see the Niagra
made the bookings today
Im so looking fwd to it!
just hope it doesnt get screwed up?
is growing up a journey towards a point in life where,
out of teh 1000's & 100's of friends & family, near and far,
there not a single soul
across 4 continents u can wake up in the middle of the night and bug bcz ur feeling weird ...
bcz ur not really sure they would understand why or that u could even try to explain :)
another day in the life and times of ur truly
nothing happened to me, but my sisters co writing a play!
No but Im seriuosly proud, man!
I never knew a real life playwrite before ... except maybe citra-chitra

i guess the landmark of the day was I got a call from Rajesh
we spoke for a long time
its so strange ... I have known this person from when I was 8
now Im twenty eight
that makes it 20 odd years
during which we have at regular intervals breazed in and out of each others life
but our relationship is such a strange mixture of the known and unknown
i dont know what he looks like
where he works
what he does everyday
but I know Him so well
i guess thats what friendship is all about
at times I think he is the only other person I know who has a vagues chance of competeing with me for craziness ... mmm ... no I take that back .... he's not that whacky
actually he is rather sweet
and a very 'nice guy'
not a 'nice guy' 'nice guy' but a 'nice guy' 'nice guy'

what else? ani is coming out to the americanas
thats got me spooked
dont know how it will be
probably wont make any difference to anything ... still

feeling kind of lost today
maybe i screwed up once to many
sometimes teh masks sit so heavy and its so hard to be fresh and sweet and cheerful
its one of those "fuck man ... what a life ... why me" days I guess :)
long weekend came and went
nothing big happened.
no trips no big excursion

just a lot of lazy hanging around
and horrid semi studying

went out a lot though
saw "the in laws" and "bruce alnighty"
splendid movie - the latter
first was funny and sweet too

pretty lonely a weekend all in all
called up loads of people but no one was home

no mails either
i got to a point where I was looking fwd to junk mail on my msn
catch em delete em
something to do, right ;)
This ones for Munal Pakhi

my kiddo got her results ... mind boggling
i feel vindicated ... this time I fought with so many people for her regarding studies
Way to go friend! Here's to you
I hit 50 and I broke my first light .... well almost
awesome movie (anger mgt)
havent laughed so much in years
awesome dinner
wow ...
I studies after ages today
getting ahead at a snialspace
bad bad day at work
dont know there must be something wrong with me that I keep screwing up
and then theres my temper to boot
saw a movie after ages
national security - funny - govinda-ish
and great food afterwards ... taco cabana... but nice
Ive got maxims on my mind ...
and voices in my head

as times goes on u realise the opposite of love is never hatred
because hatred is just another form of love
the opposite of love is indifference ...
like the opposite of existence is non existence and not disease ...

we are such fools
not merely happy with the fact that our friends do love us
we also put conditions on how and why?

everything u see, everything u hear
nothing is at it seems
everything is a test
everything is a clue
everyone u meet
everyone u see
no one should be trusted
no one is a friend
do you remember the first time you actually properly drove .. like bang out on the main road ... with the general population of cars & drivers all around you?

deep in the night
40 miles / main road / cars buzzing all around
man o man o man!
hosh walon ko khabar kya behoshi kya cheez hain???
WOW! blow ur mind!
Im so excited
yesterday was a monumental day in my life and times

I actually graduated from the office ground to the wide open roads of san francisco!
Atleast, I crossed the maibn road and drove all the way back home.
At a break neck speed of 30 mph
Hurtling down, and all that
I was really thrilled :)

Then I went and got a haircut
I was really scared but she was pretty cool
She just snipped of my 'choti' and left me with a nice 'bob'
It was all over before I could say 'haircut' (slowly)
I was really scared man ... would have never gone if kkk hadnt pushed me ...
Thank God for F.R.I.E.N.D.S

I got a whole lot of compliments at work
mostly from a lot of old ladies and one from and old gentleman ... but it still felt nice

Baba called, after our embarrassingly senti sms exchanges last week
It was ... eminently pleasant

Rajesh called after eons
He keeps popping up after gaping vacant slots of absence
I suppose he is one of my oldest surviving friends whom I am still close to
He is a total smoothie ... raghu the liar incarnate ... and I dont ever believe a word he says
But I love him a lot anyway
Its that awesome unique feeling you get talking to old friends where u dont have to keep worrying what you said the last second
and praying it didnt scandalise someones scalp off
bcz they know you what a creep you are and they dont give a flying fuck
and you know they love you anyway :)

and I gathered courage and confessed something that was sitting on my chest for a long time
and it was okay -no major reaction ... so now my light and happy ... hah

got into a 'fight' with big boss at work
i was really pissed off
hope I dont get into trouble, though

I need to start studying ... gawd!
I hate this ...

thats all that there was .... well, when did I ever claim that my life was very exciting anyway ** smirk **
Great weakend & Monday :)

Got done a lot of work around the house and myself
Did my closet AT LONG last ... courtsey KK sitting there and chatting me thru it
Id have never gotten it down otherwise

Sharad came over on Sunday
It wasnt as disastrous as I thought it would be
It never is, is it ... U just gotto hold ur breath and
keep ur head steady for those few first minutes
And u never drown, really ...

Anyway it was quite nice
We chatted about old friends & old times
Made chicken and gajaar ka halwa
Glorious Glorious Chicken ... WOW!
Long Live Dada

Then we played BLUFF
That was also great fun

"And If you truly did drown? In life?
Would that be fascinating too?
Slowly sinking down down dark deep.
Into the stomach off a sweet blue intensity.
And then, night, night forever?
But a soft white glow Ill leave behind.
And it will keep glowing forever?"

Tuesday ....

everything you hear, every thing you see, nothing is as it seems
everything is a clue, every thing is a test

no class today
just fuckup parade

I had a killer day at work after a long, long time
I was really tired when I got back

After that it was a nice slow day with nothing happening
Chatting and lazing around ... then suddenly everything blew up in smoke!

Well 2mrw is another day
And everything is gonna be alright

People who matter will understand & those who dont dont matter?
Huh???? Even I didnt get that last bit!

Have faith, my little one, my little bird ... Ill save you yet ;o)
Have faith, have hope, hold on one more day
Have faith, in us, in life, in the world
They will let us go, in the end,
They will fall asleep and their grip
Will slip
And we'll slip out, unnoticed
Like we came uninvited
You and I
Dark & Light
Good and Bad
Child & Dad
Ill save you yet, whatever they do
In the end its just me and you
sunday morning
hardly slept last night
why is it on the weekends that I get the least sleep
though Ido nothing exciting ever
Wonderful Wonderful Day!
Woke up late.
Studied (?)
Ate lunch and went for the longest of long drives
this is heaven! Get out with the car and just get lost. Mmmmmmmmm :)
Passed by the (pearly) gates of UTSA. WoW!!!
I still got the blues for an MS. Should I???? NOW???
I dunno

We went to best buy to buy a camera cover for my digi cam
Also ended up buying a tripod
Then went to barnes and nobles bcz kamlesh "had an emergency" as usual.
Browsed some books
What can be nicer in this wolrd than lazy unhurried hours in a book shop,
Unless its lazy unhurried hours writing,
Or reading someone elses books?

So many dreams, so many high vaulting crazy technicolor dreams,
Will I have the balls to try, ever ever ever?

Anyway, I behaved badly. Did my usual spoilt brat routine
But then, u gotto take some shit as price for being a such good friend
To such a spoilt brat crazy nutty unreal dumdum???
But Im still feeling bad about it.
However, I did finish it off with a very heart felt apology :o)

I went for my first ever driving lesson here in the US
In fact my first ever official 'driving lesson'
I havent had such a nice time in ... I cant remember how long before
God Bless KK! He is Terrific - friend / driver / teacher :)
He is so Patient and Cool Headed and he teaches with interest
One thing I gotto say for San Antonio, I met a lotta nice people after I came here :)

To get back from Guru Praising ...
Yesterday I bought my long coveted electric tooth brush!!!
Too bloody exciting
I still havent gotten over it ;o)
gott mien!
thank god I signed up for this bloody exam ... I had quite forgotten how dreadful it is to study
excellent end to a horrible week
everything seemed to be going wrong this week
I fucked up at work like BIG TIME twice
My hand was at its worst
I got the baddest news ever from a friend
At home Baba wasnt well

But on the brighter side
A saw a really cute couple making out in the apt cplx pool
that was great fun ... heh heh .... WICKED ;)

And today finished off beautifully with a super long drive
listening to aks
and lots of nice conversation
and a promise of my first (videsi) driving lesson 2mrw
thank god for friends ...
theres a common thread somewhere between chocolat & atlas shrugged & loulemay & byron & & philadelphia & lobos song from my childhood (i remember the chruch going people talking the gypsies down ... )

will there be a 2mrw when they will stop rolling out the death penalty for being different?
Im so bored
with my right hand in a cast theres not much I can do at work
but I still gotto come in which sucks

mostly I just browse and go get endless coffee's ... yesterday I tried all the cafes in this building which is saying something

the head office here is massive
9 connected 'buildings'
set in grounds full of lakes and deer parks

its very pretty

arm in a sling means I cant take my driving test till next week or after that ... aw man!
isnt it strange ... now that some of these weird tensions dissipate, Im missing cal like crazy
everyone seems to be having a ball
i miss CAL!!!!
all night party pub hopping ... theatre / literature workshops / drama festivals
heavenly music every where ...
my doggie
my house
the terrace
the nights
my room
my ac :)
the club
golf ... rcgc shrouded in mist early morning in the morning ... the trophy-shelf of excuses for missed shots ... bad wind ...bloody bird ... ground lousy today
the rickshaw walla's
the metro rail
bheer bhaar
ganda rasta
orange stick ice cream from budhha johnny
egg mottun roll
tolly at night
sunday afternoon ... on the chhat with munal ... sneaking up raw mango with salt and mirchi powder
hiding from ma ... climbing on to the cheel chhaat
staying awake till 5 am then walking over to ma's house to have tea with her
going to the pub impromptu after work with jinx
singing in the cab on the way back jor jor se ....
getting excited passing by school
meeting chena chena haashi mukh

dover lane ... which i always plan for but never make it to

I wanna go home so much :(
God I love that crazy nutty beautiful city
You know how there are somethings I love so much they make my heart ache for a few isolated moments at times ... like a few songs ... creep / love hurts / wicked game / jealous guy / romeo-juliet / u make me feel ... like some movies like breakfast at tiffanys or runaway bride or city of angels ... like ristretto coffee ;) like somewords (like serendipity & cerullean & lethe AND exquisite ... which does something to me everytime) and some flowers or sitting in the open in a isolated place at night ... while the world sleeps and u can kid ur self into beliveing theres no one else alive anywhere, anyplace ... like the pool of water I had once seen going from pune to bombay ... it was like a sheet of metal ... it looked so solid ... like the first time I saw snow falling ... like how a little girl had once smiled at me on a bus in bristol at a time when I had been missing munal like mad ... I just got on and she looked up and smiled ... like we were supposed to meet up there and she had been waiting ... she had a pink bow in her hair ... will I forget .. like some poems ... like "jenny loved me" I read it on the net, alone one night and I cried and I couldnt stop. I couldnt stop.

Jenny kissed me when we met,
Jumping from the chair she sat in;
Time, you thief, who love to get
Sweets into your list, put that in:
Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,
Say that health and wealth have missed me,
Say I'm growing old, but add,
Jenny kissed me.
- Leigh Hunt (Rondeau)

... and another soul stirring memory. I was walking home from the bus stop in bristol one day. balmy evening. winds blowing all around. this is near the city centre and used to talk all kinds of weird by lanes ... a new one each time & there were so many! god I loved that city so. anyway, so its about 9 pm and the sky is just about beginning to fade to darker shades ... Im walking ... its cold ... and I have one of those "I'm all alone in this world & thank god" feelings. Im walking by this huge church and SUDDENLY there are lights inside & the bells start chiming .. I cant explain this ... but it was exquisite. The sounds of the bells floated all around in the air till I felt like I was dancing in a cloud of song & the whole world was so beautiful and I was SO GRATEFUL I was alive & alone & free
its actually 12:29 am now ... this blog clock lies :(
I stumbled into this site and its nice. read the note. it was a stange feeling. there are so many people in this world who are "different". do we really know anyone? even our prosaic or comical or paati everyday ordinary neighbour ...
what are the thots that go thru his head?
who knows? who thinks? who even allows him to have "strange thots"

we, who are the illegitimate children of two so unwed cultures ...
how quick we are to judge them and say assume they wont ever ever ever understand us the way we are
and so thinking we enter, there very playgrounds armed with multi colored masks
pretend, pretend, its all pretend

we think the nether lands of the mind are our private preserve?
we think we are the lone peregrines in the wastelands of black darkness and grey despair
thots of death and suicide or murder and vacany ... journeys to blank space
our sole sojournes?

Theres more 2 explore,
but 2mrw is another day ...
And I am, even now, wondering whats the e version of writer cramp?
"I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than fade away"
from someone suicide note. Guess who ....

I just saw The Recruit. And a glorious drive
And chicken before that
And tomorrow is a holiday
want to sleep fpr 6 yrs & 4 months :)
I have friends
I have good friends
I have family
I have those I love and those who love me
I have some near, some far, some reachable some lost

But you know what?
Everytime ur down & out & broken & dying of feeling bad
Each time I feel that I want to roll into a ball and get into a hug & howl till I cant even tweak a brain cell any more
then there is no one, ever.

Or there is ... but they will ask so many questions it gonna feel like the spanish-I
then they will try to follow up
or they will lecture or tell you how silly ur being till u wanna shout out f@^&*g murder

And if they catch you doing it more than once or twice they'll crib about how ur always depressed or always crying ....

Oh Jeez ... no thanx ... I d rather go it alone

So moral of the story is when ur as weird as I am
When ur needs & ur reqts are as complex and contradictory as mine generally are,
You are always always alone, whether the number of people around you are 1 or 100 or none
Atleast when ur actually alone u dont have to keep worrying about anyone else and pretend to be cheerful and make pc ...

I dreamt of my best pal Jinx last night
It was a beautiful dream
I was the co ordinator for some egroup, and for some strange reason that involved being in "biplab da's" bus (my good old school bus)
with loads of terribly grown up people (I think they were tcs ers). And he kind of popped in and said something like "oh I just wanted to chk out how she is doing. she is my best pal, you know" or something to that effect, apparently it was a Big Deal to be a "moderator" in my dream, specially for females & so my jinx was just dutifully expressing his awe & pride ... is that weird or is it weird

Why are our dreams so strange? Two days back I dreamt of these two (very alive) friends of mine, except that in my dreams they were both dead and one had become a HORSE!!! A haunted horse, no less. Everyone was terrified of him & he was "calling me". Anyway then the other friend turns into alok (ya, I guess he Had to come in somewhere) and then I dont remember what happened.

I chatted with a friend yesterday after a whole week. This may not seem very long but I used to talk to him every day so it felt "odd" :)
Today I lost & subsequently refound my pay chk
I cant pay my rent in time perhaps bcz 2mrw there will be no money in my bank and tomorrow is the last day
Work is ... well I cant say it very decently, so we will leave it out of this
No car, no money, no license, no brains ... and exams a month away ....
I guess its one of those phases when I should hide under the bed just not get out till its passed :)

I want my mommy ... I really wanna go to my mommy :(
days pass by in a blurrrr
shopped after many days today
courtsey the generousity of kamlesh ... also responsible for nice bk meal & frappachino after ages .... wow!
now my house is full of food again & I can feed who ever wanders in!
another milestone ... chatted with a girl for the first time after coming here ... it was refreshing ... for a change, only :)