so its goodbye again

How shall I go in peace and without sorrow? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this city.
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?
Too many fragments of the spirit have I scatterd in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these hills, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache.
It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands.
Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with hunger and with thirst.
Yet I cannot tarry longer. The sea that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark.
For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould.

Fain would I take with me all that is here. But how shall I?

And he said to himself:
Shall the day of parting be the day of gathering?
And shall it be said that my eve was in truth my dawn?
And what shall I give unto him who has left his plough in midfurrow, or to him who has stopped the wheel of his winepress?
Shall my heart become a tree heavy-laden with fruit that I may gather and give unto them?
And shall my desires flow like a fountain that I may fill their cups?
Am I a harp that the hand of the mighty may touch me, or a flute that his breath may pass through me?
A seeker of silences am I, and what treasure have I found in silences that I may dispense with confidence?
If this is my day of harvest, in what fields have I sowed the seed, and in what unrembered seasons?
If this indeed be the hour in which I lift up my lantern, it is not my flame that shall burn therein.
Empty and dark shall I raise my lantern,
And the guardian of the night shall fill it with oil and he shall light it also.

hard to say goodbye

more farewells
such sweet mails, gifts, flowers, tears ... i dont deserve this
how will I go and start all over again somewheer else

Again ....
i got so many gifts
and mails
and XXX
and cards ...

i dont deserve so much love and good feelings ...

up and away

almost there now - my leaving day
theres so much work its driving me nuts
i havent even begun to clean the house
still have some accounts to disable
and some issues to resolve
dont know how everything will get done!

feels horrible to be leaving .... as always
its ironic ... when I didnt know anyone here
and when I was bored and sad and lonely
and wanted to leave all the time,
i couldnt leave then
and now that I have so many friends
and I was having fun, its leaving time

i need a dip in the waters of lethe
im just beinning to think about my next assignment
how when where ....
i wanna come back somewhere here - nearabouts
but that will be touch

the very thought of going back to teh cal office
and facing the big M
the thought of going home
meeting everyone, staying home
the same old crap - everyday
again ... its a pain
but you cant run away forever, i guess

and its only for a short while, hopefully
they wont keep me there forever ...
but how long will I go on like this?
is this what I want for all time?
while I was here - for so long, I had the time and opportunity to do something about it
change course
but I didnt do anything at all
how much of it was laziness and how much fear of a different way of life than I am used to

i must think and do something ... fast
time runs out
do i know that you like me?
yes. but not enough
do i know that you like me?
yes. but its not enough

why am i not eloquent?
what could i really say
im not brave enough ... or anything enough ... any more
what i have to say is better left unsaid
and maybe this time, this much ... for once ... 'is better than none'

rahi na taqaat-e guftaar
aur agar ho bhi
toh kis umeed se kahiye
ki arzoo kya hai

hum to dushman
nehi hai apne?
gair toh tujh se mohabbat hi sahi

jaan tum pein nissaar karte hain
hum nehi jaante ki duwa kya hai

pause a while at the bend, on the way, and look back ... and feel ur heart grow restful

i should be cleaning up my computer, selling my things, shopping, packing,
winding up and closing accounts but I while my time ... downloading like
kazaa was going out of fashion, watching my netflix movies like im going to
die tomorrow (12 to 6 am ... triology by kieslowski), reading all i can and meeting
up with endless people and shopping and shopping and more shopping ....

we all are good at something. im good at "settling down"
whereever I have stayed for a couple of months, one of my three hostel rooms,
the shared flat, the unshared flat, my numerous relatives, my houses in dubai or cal or syria
its always a place people walk into and feel comfortable in
and I always get comments like "fatts ur room is so comfy man"
its always my place that has the kind of set up where people come
to steal books and go to sleep ... even when Im not home

thats all very nice. but what sucks is that it makes it hard for me
to pack up and go. and thanks my dads job and mine ... I have to packupandgo
a lot! all the time! it hurts. but issokay ... it will be exciting to be home again too!

what im gonna miss most about here? the friends id made,
the ease of staying alone ... or just the memories which held me here :)
Im decorating my life with memories of something that never was

its high time I let go. its always hard for me to let go ...
whether its a old tshirt i picked up from street,
any random scrap lines I wrote ... my diary bulges with writing on
toilet paper, napkins, even a leaf from shantiniketan
and a magazine cover torn out ... sometimes
when "it" grabs you in the middle of thye night
theres no other way to go back to sleep but write it
or a interesting stone i picked up on a beach somewhere,
or book, a melody, a poem, a movie, or a soul
but we must let go ...

what I am feeling a little sad(ish) for ... its something that never could be
that never was and that wouldnt work (atleast for me) even if it was ...
so whats the point in being blue. its gone now ...
atleast I had some semblence, some shadow of it for a while ...
and it was heaven, it was magic, it was music ... everytime! enough!
for this time, this lifetime, enough!

someone jokingly said to me recently that I was spoilt
well actually I am very spoilt. never been spoilt at home
but always been spolit by friends ... and 3 men ... most of all
kams, rahul (bhaiya) and acm ...
3 horrible grumpy, grouchy, mean, silent men ... who will rarely open
their mouths except to snap at you ... but if you can look
through that charade mask ... who will treat you like
a princess, a fairy, a spoilt little girl

its been a beautiful life
all in all. but the best is the friends ive known and loved
the richest are the gifts they gave

Today ... there are so many people in my life, there always were, but I guess the added cyber people are what really make it scary - whatever that maybe,
there are all these people - all of whom I like, care about and maybe even love a bit ...
what is this. how does this work. how do u live this model and still stay in control
am i drifting into a perfect man in many bodies phase
no way. id hate for that to happen.

have you ever felt that someone out there there is one person ... who is just right for you?
i have. always. someday somewhere ... maybe he will come around
have you ever thought that you had found such a person ... to find on closer scrutiny that they were not the one at all?
in one moment. crash down so much adulation and surity ... like the split second when fermina turns and see's florentino
did it ever haoppen to you many many times. and what did you do then? lied? walked? pitied? tried ...

is it only at the end that wewill understand what anything means at all? love, life, work, ambition ...
or ambition for life and love? but most of all ...
ourselves, our motives, the maps of the
dirty shabby, twisted, beautiful, fascinating inroads of our inner most souls

Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell.

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all
i changed everything - but it still feels strange!

my cyber home!

I moved my url - but it will still show up in search - I dont wanna change the name ... what do I do :(

Its a kind of magic

im not sure why it happens. or if it happens at all or I am imagining it all
when I was feeling numb and introspective and like a spectator to my mind ... i stumbled upon 'frieda'
when i was craving a movie where gays are not ridiculed i stumbled upon 'all over the man'
when i was torn by the past i stumbled upon 'magnolia' and '1000 acres'
and when i was dreamy again i hit upon serendipity
when i was wondering what it meant i found '100 years'
when i felt like a loser it gave me 'u've got mail' ("i know u feel like a big fat loser now but ...")
life chases u, it gives u surprise gufts when ur down and pushes u ahead when ur tired
it sends u clues and pointers when ur lost and confused.
everything, everyday is a clue, a test

serendipity blew my mind ...
is this life saying "it doesnt have to be this way"?
is thise lifes way of saying its okay to run away sometimes (hah! it shouldnt be saying that from me - the forever escapist the runway)

life is strange
who knows what tomorrow will bring
and today - its stuck in mires of unpleasant to humdrum-okay-ness-es ... with moments tucked in between here and there which sparkle and shine
is this what we want? is this enough?
do we want to live with people who make us want to throw up most of the time - bcz they cry when u try to run away
why cant we like those who like us, love those who love us, care for those who care for us?

all u want is to run ahead ... on a long wide clear road, lit up with sunshine and shadows interwoven, lined by trees, scattered with obstacles, cooled by lakes on the side of the road, burned by the pain in ur limbs as u move, chilled by the night winds, warmed by the morning sun. running, free. getting somewhere. getting closer and closer. but to what. and getting where. i dont know. away from people - from every one. a house. in a forest. with birds and dogs and tigers. wild lakes to swim in. patio's to dream on. balconies in which to walk in the moonlight. bottomless libraries. internet. all the movies u ever wanted. horses. and fish to watch on lazy summer afternoons.

is that what u wanted? no its not even that. then what? i dont know. but not this. that much i know.
i keep making the same mistakes again and again. i dont know if 'mistakes' is the correct word but I keep getting in the same situation repeatedly ... i knowingly willingly walk into these things and then im suffocated and trying to run.

but im going home. im going to my house and my dogs and my car again. my books. my music. my desk. everything ... its been a while. its been a long while. im glad. im not scared. how hard can it be? just open ur mouth shut ur ears ....... and say it! ;) get rid of the garbage that uve picked up on the way. springclean ur life of the trash.

wish i could ...

no time to write - but this says a lot

"It's not
What you thought
When you first began it
You got
What you want
Now you can hardly stand it though,
By now you know
It's not going to stop
Til you wise up"
Aimee Mann, Wise Up

how do you say it to someone

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain’t getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There’s nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that’ll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn’t make me leave here

I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I’m tired of words and I’m too hoarse to shout
But you’ve been cold to me so long
I’m crying icicles instead of tears

And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But -- there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad
Now don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad

You’ll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You’ll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you’re looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain’t no coupe de ville hiding at the bottom of a cracker jack box

I can’t lie
I can’t tell you that I’m something I’m not
No matter how I try
I’ll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven’t got

There’s only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I’ll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
Ooh I know
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away

And she kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
She kept on telling me
I want you
I need you
But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad
I want you
I need you
But there ain’t no way I’m ever gonna love you
Now don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad
Don’t be sad
’cause two out of three ain’t bad

Baby we can talk all night
But that ain’t getting us nowhere


SUPERTRAMP - "Logical Song"
Bad Company - Rock N' Roll Fantasy
Lynard S - the last rebel
Lynard S - sweet home alabama
- lets get down
Joni Mitchell - Big Yellow Taxi
Taking care of business - BTO (Bachman-Turner Overdrive )
Take The Long Way Home - Supertramp
Against the Wind - Bob Seger
Have ever seen the rain - CCR (Credence Clear..)
Only Rock n' Roll - Rolling Stones
Old Time Rock and Roll - Bob Seger
Rocking Me Babby - Steve Miller Band
I need a Lover - Pat Benatar
Drift away - Dobie Gray
Too much time on my hands - Styx (Caught in the Act 1981) Carry on
Wayword Son - Kansas
American Woman
Cold as Ice
Come Sail Away
Don't Do Me like That
Eye in the Sky - Free Ride
Hey Joe
I Can See for Miles
I Want You to Want Me
It's Still Rock and Roll to Me
Love Stinks
Message in a Bottle
Pink Houses
Radar Love
Run to You
School's Out
Sweet Emotion
Walk on the Wild Side
Wheel in the Sky
tom petty - dont do me like that
tom petty - depending on you
travelling willburys - handle me with care
INXS - need you tonight
Aimee Mann Lyrics One
Aimee Mann Lyrics Momentum
Aimee Mann Lyrics Build That Wall
Aimee Mann Lyrics Deathly
Aimee Mann Lyrics Driving Sideways
Aimee Mann Lyrics You Do
Aimee Mann Lyrics Nothing is Good Enough
Aimee Mann Lyrics Wise Up
Aimee Mann Lyrics Save Me
Supertramp Lyrics Goodbye Stranger
Supertramp Lyrics The Logical Song
Gabrielle Lyrics Dreams
Jon Brion Lyrics Magnolia

its goodbye again

i hate doing this
so much work
i tried and tried to find some way
but nothing worked out
so gotto run run and get everything ready
so much to wind up
Im going crazy
havent been to the gym in more than a week
havent yet sold my car
havent cut off all my accounts
so much to do!

my team mate had some bad news
his sister died in a horrible accident
she fell from a bike and a truck ran over her
in front of her husband and two kids
it must have been so devastating for them
he had to rush back in one day
and here we crib about our piddly little problems

cant hurry love

its so hard to control urself and be casual and cool when I talk to you ... Im CRAZY about you! its not real I know. Its just a little crush. And its good Im leaving cz it will be well past :) I wouldnt take you if you were offered on a plate - we're not right. Ure as much a creep as I am ... And anyway I barely know you. Both times we met ... were just mirages in what was then the starkest of deserts

Its not "love" I know
but its so strong a pull
its all i can do to not letr it show
ur the closest thing to perfection I ever knew!