why do I always find that I have done the wrong thing
more things change more they stay the same
once I used to get ma upset bcz tho I was good in studies I flunked exams and did badly and pissed of everyone in the school and made no friends
then I used to get Pills upset bcz I fought with everyone in the hostel ... she said everyday she used to be scared that she will hear from someone Ive hit someone badly or something like that ... like the princi or a teacher. I did brilliantly in my orals and practs ... rare feats in my univ ... and flunked the theory papers in the very same subjects
now at work I work hard and know my systems and everything - still I screw up and then everyone is putting up posters with a price on my head ...
the same things I got a shouting for as a 3 yr old I still get into trouble for - no learning curve
still hot headed and dont know what Im doing once I lose my head
still cant say what I want to say or should say until I get mad
Still cant prioritise
Still day dreaming & absent minded
Still careless & shabby and too bloody friendly with anyone I meet ...
theres something fundamentally wrong with my head. serves me right whatever comes my way.
I screw up work. I screw up my personal life. and my family life ... hah! thats a joke
Bollocks man ... I wish I cud just run away somewhere and hide for eternity.
Ill never make it.
Ill never do it. Never get there
Anyway ... it does not matter. Tomorrow is another day and everything will be allright
Guess it just threw me to hear baba crying, and see the assholes dumb mail
And worst of all to realise Id fucked up my screens :(
Ive been having a long nice run of bad luck
The nicest things that have happened or maybe the only nice things ... 2 new friends & a new car!
and that also got screwed up so badly
kams ... what do I say about him!
but what the hell ... it cant last for ever!
tomorrow is another day ... maybe things will get better soon
as long as work and baba (& my granny sweet) and leo are fine I guess I can handle the rest :)
sometimes my mind kind of slows down and goes slow slow slow ... pause
and I do the dumbest imaginable thing
its these times when kams calls me a MR and my mommy calls me autistic (lovingly)
its usually when Im reading a good book or testing
then Im like so lost in why the insert wont insert or if anna karenina should feel guilty
im totally not there ... where I actually am ... and its worse bcz from the outside u cant tell if Im there or here or where :)
like yesterday - I put up a post on thornbords and totally forgot about it ... even tho it was right in front of me
paradox says somethiong about the birds and Im like "whats he talking about! maybe he's cuckoo' :)
then I go to chai bhai's site and leave a nice bright zonk "HI PARADOX"!!!
and right now ... I totally forgot that Id set up a new account to receive mails from the blog
as a part of my great efforts at being anonymous!
i kept checking uknowwho@hotmail and forgot about the new account
today I remembered and chkd and I had so many mails sitting there
ramana, sapna & vani ... yippidee ... yippdoo ... I love getting mails :)
sometimes it gets more sinister - like when Im crossing roads
thats what I got hit by my mom for the last time she hit me ...
last year ... Im working ... in front of two colleagues ... wham!
how embarrassing :(
maybe my getting senile is highlighting it
getting too old to rock and roll - too old to die at double time
"whatever" ... I learned that here in the US of A :)
came back late from work again
i hate to admit it ... i love it ;)
i know Im not making sense. so Ill finish the post here
had a nice chat with TCGFSB ... boom bang Boing!
man he's cute :)
calvin & hobbes
its a season of finding. i found another quote which i have been hunting
for for years! its so true ... and beautiful
"The bird with the thorn in its breast, it follows an immutable law; it is driven by it knows not what to impale itself, and die singing. At the very instant the thorn enters there is no awareness in it of the dying to come; it simply sings and sing until there is not the life left to utter another note. But we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it. Still we do it."
from The Thornbirds, Colleen McCullough
dont feel like writing anything in this blog today so ill just be GROUCHY and bug everyone who reads the post
missing jinx very much today
wish he was here
he'd understand ...
i went to wandy's blog. she writes so bldy well!
didnt get any mails from mich all day ... she's ignoring me too!
neo and sapna are like, totally ignoring me ... gawd knows where they are ... god bless the kids!
I miss teddy :(
I got a lot of books from the childrens section this weekend ... agatha chrities, peter pan & little women & "willie wonka"
I read my centuries old journal and remembered how weird I was! (I mean how much weirder)
I realised I keep 3 blogs, a webpage & a paper journal
"wish it was you
no one else will ever quite do
i try so hard, but its all a mess
i know inside. i do confess
uve got a way of doing everything
cute and funny and maddening
now ur gone, good bye. gooodbye
im not sure i know just how it all happened. so fast.
now ur gone, I dont even cry,
anymore. I just stare at the road. With dumb look on my face
should have been you
no one else will do
id never in a lightyear let you know
but sweetheart it was always you
my leo (my beloved my sweet darling leo) is ill
he is getting old it seems (bull)
mom is such a darling
she is so cute
she lined up all my stuff toys in front of the webcam
and leo and my cats
and the birds
and I saw my daddy in his red jammies :)
for a second such a wave of nostalgia swept over me
cant explain ... felt like my heart will break ... with a nice feeling ...
recently a friend asked me who is there for u when things go wrong
no ones ever there really ... but its not as tragic as it sounds
its no big deal - u get used to it jolly quick and all
u just take a deep breath and wait for it to pass
and u shudnt let any one be there
bcz people r very predicatable that way - they go away - or they change
or they turn out to be something totally different from what u thought they were
and then it hurts like hell
reading I think paradox's blog recently I remembered my daddy's smell
he smells of anteus and tide and dunhill and whiskey and the cement plant
he looks serious and scary or half asleep
and he frowns most of the time
and then he smiles, slow unexpectedly - and suddenly boom he's grinning like a little boy
there are things that remind me of him. anteus. smell of whiskey. or ac cars
crisp white shirts. anyone shaving and making strange faces
panes flying overhead, abriti, satyajeet roy, hemanta ... almost everything nice
listening to bhole o bhole ... corny song but cute :)
and also "piya bawri" i love those semi classical hindi movie songs!
spoke to mom for a long time
mists of nostalgia
play misty for me
broken tape recorder
days of poverty
long winding roads - always the same end
whenever I talk to mom it comes to the same thing
sadiyon sadiyon wahin tamaasha - rasta rasta lambi khoj
wish I wasnt such a coward
but somethings ... u cant deal with u cant face u ant solve u cant bear
u can just run and run ...
me and the sky
I cried today to keep her company
And she rained all day
And then at night she lit up the chandeliers
To make my heart bright again
Everyone else just passes by
In the end its just you and i
Everything changes every minute
And ur left staring into the sky
one of my childhood friends commited suicide a long time back
here. in texas
we were in india then
i was in pune
chatts was in cal
sauce was in blore
chatts called me
she was crying ... i didnt know what to do
we become so selfish in times of pain
my first though was how sauce & chatts will be hurt ...
no one knew why
I was curious
i did a search on suicide in google
and I came across this site which said that
kids who are exposed to very complicated or hurtful situations
when very young are never very normal again
they never really heal
pressman said the same thing ... design time errors are 5 times harder to recover from than errors picked up in later phases of the development life cycle. somethings never go away. some things never get better. somethings never heal
u just have to learn to live with it the best u can.
woke up at 7:30
it must take some talent to ignore 3 alarms and wake up an hour and half late
I like to wake up early on hols so that its kind of longer ... other wise it feels like it just whooshed past
chatting with my mom and trying to teach her to maximise her window
is it so hard?
how can some one so intelligent otherwise be so tech PHOBIC ... thers no other words for it
she even freaks out on the remote saying its too complicated!
what about all her windspeed and dead load and live load and projections crap like that ... thats very simple!
god give me patience!
I remember how I refused to accept the concept of negetive numbers
sometime way back in the passed and poor child she was trying to explain for so long
I still remember I was hanging from the window grill (my fav studying place)
and saying na na na ;)
i mailed a college prof today about a subject I was interested in and he sent me a list of books to read
that was so kind
its ten already! these days on sundays the hours pass like those last few hours before the exam is due to start
came to office at 6:30 - used all my discipline to stop myself from coming in my jammies
got in at 6:30 - walked in the rain
waorked with out lunch shunch anything till 3:00 ... debugging ... one of those fuck the world gotto make this work moments
and guess what?
the dataset got deleted! can u blv that! ... This is my life!
Now Im sitting here coolly and laughing at it all and everyone around will be thinking how cool I am ... inside I feel like ramming my fist through the monitor ... white hot angry ... what to do ... life nahi hai laddu :)
isnt it funny how we change when we know we have an audience
i deleted and put back the swear words in this post which had come totally with the flow so many time ...
I chkd some old posts from the archives to make sure & its really diff
maybe I shud change my url again and go true blue anonymous!
spoke to yogi ...
when I first read his comments I thought he reminded me if brat (bharadwaaja)
then I saw his snap and even that was like brat
next I saw his resume on his blog - toh bday bhi paas paas hai - another libran
today I heard his voice ... and thats also like brat
now in my miss marple avataar ... that cud really get me thinking!
wonder where brat is and how ... Ill do another post on him soon. miss him sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!
miss the way he'd suddenly make his voice go deeeeeeep (indigo deep) and go "Prero" :)
and a hundred other things
old cotton t's, old homes, old friends, old fav songs ... so special forever!
its 8:30 - came at 6:30 ... been a long time since i did this ... wow!
I was just talking to star and I remembered when I was a kid I went and hid in the bath tub in the loo and pulled the curtains all around
or i hid under a table with a huge table cloth - or under the bed in my grans house - that I did a lot
I think it used to be my fav place in the house
Got a dumb trg today when I need to work
Theres a Aerosmith concert here necxt month and another fleetwod mac
Im reaaly sad bcz I cant go ... dont know anyone I cud drag along and Idont wanna go alone
but maybe something will turn up ...
My inner child is sixteen years old!
Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
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... unless I change my mind ;)
did a 3 min getting ready stunt
the brush teeth - swallow coffee - drag on dockers and first shirt in sight grab hair brush - run kind
mad ness at work
status on new project - oncall reports - old project err debug
itna kyun log halla karte hain office mein?
how am I suppose to write weird code & compose convoluted logic in the hulla :(
i close each hand and make a fist
my nails dig into my palms
i close my eyes and push in my fists
and stare into the dark
in the black corridors
i see shapes begin to form
i see something that might be you
moving in the dark
u turn around and hold out ur arms
i gasp in shock and begin to run
i open my eyes and get lost again
in the vagueness of the light
through the day a 56 times
i think of something to tell u or ask
through the night 38 times
i turn in my bed to find u
then i remember ... and im surprised i remember.
it was so long ago
its all past and forgotten now
yet a echo still remains ...
just a hollow sound ringing across deserted rocks & the sea
two ghost voices calling out to each other as they run across the beach
and laughing and breathing quicker than before.
the sound an echo, of a ghost, of a memory, of a dream of what could have been.
a hollow cosy nook in the dim mellow late afternoon light
nothing that was. or would have been. or would be ... just could have been ... so much.
woke up at 2:30
sneaked - but then without ma - what sneak ... got a box of cookies and coffee to bed
and read ac till some more time
this is like summer hols just after exams ... the few days when u get away with any shit ...
read till u sleep somewhere in the early hours and wake up in the afternoon and just pick up the book and go on ... the way I read fountainhead in one sitting (rather lying) ;)
anyway - then I cooked & ate a MAMOTH break fast - juice, eggs, bacon, fruit ... works!
then I cleaned the kitchen and the loo & stuff (with my new love .... CLR bathroom & kitchen cleaner)
soaked for 1 hour & talked to jinx
and then I went for a 2 hour long drive
then I came back and cooked some beef curry ...
sat down to eat ... I had to put down my book and concetrate on my food it was so MINDBLOWING
washed it down with some cabernet
rain and winds and thunder and lightning
its so beautiful
weekends here again
dont feel like writing
sat at home and drank 2 bottles of beer and ate some nice prawns and watched "sex and love"
weird as the name as it sounds, it was a really sweet movie
and now Im off to bed and to agatha christie!
gotto get up at 7 2mrw (am) for a health fair that I volunteered at!
wonder how the weekends gona turn out
I need a slow and dead one bad.
but it never comes when u want it!
have a feeling this ones not gonna be as nice as the last one ... by a long shot!
Life nahi hai laddo ;)
FRIENDS AND AQUAINTANCES
Long time back - years & years ago - when I was in school ... someone sent me this fwd
I loved it. But I lost it. Tried looking for it many times since then
But today is the first time I found it online
here it is
Miss all my old friends whom I havent seen in so long :( but if & when, it will be just the same as before :)
Brat, Jinx, Adit, Chatts, Sauce, Juls, Malo, Pills, Vani ...
she puts up one last show - glowing in the subtle hues of fall
all around is a peace descending
russet, red & gold
everything seems winding down
all drama will fold
like the climax of a day ... theres a undercurrent of excitement in the air
everyone is happy and peaceful, once more autumn is here
SOMEDAY WE'RE GONNA BE SO HIGH
when i was young i used to be so much more impetuous
every doubt, suspicion, hurt, pain ... it all had to be faced & analysed & 'fixed or filed' straight away
these days, i realise, its sometimes a great thing to be able to be still inside
and draw a deep breath and wait for confusion and pain to pass like a huge wave that washes over our heads
when u see a roller coaster coming in the distance it looks so scary, and mamoth
u cant believe u could survive that breaking on ur head
but if ur still & patient, sometimes it just passes
and ur left standing in peacefull waters again
with blue and grean playing peacefully all around and the sun glinting silver gold of the surface
all things get better with time
they have to, theres no other way
sometimes it doesnt help to cry, or talk or be upset
u just have to take a deep breath and bear it & wait for it to pass. as it will. for sure
and then ur happy and free to laugh & dance & sing & fly again
somehow - life goes on. somehow, life finds a way, somehow life takes care of u and makes u happy
sometimes u just have to wait.
at times I think, life is so wonderful ...
BLAME IT ON THE STARS
Its all starfest's fault - she keeps doing these dumb quizzes & I cant resist trying it out! ;)
Well, Casablance and all huh? Must admit I fell for the way he says "here to you, kid" ... reminds me of brat! wonder what he's upto these days!
"You must remember this, a kiss is still a
kiss". Your romance is Casablanca. A
classic story of love in trying times, chock
full of both cynicism and hope. You obviously
believe in true love, but you're also
constantly aware of practicality and societal
expectations. That's not always fun, but at
least it's realistic. Try not to let the Nazis
get you down too much.
What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
Waits or Flees ...
Tell me love what love is?
LIME AND LEMONY MONDAY
its such a beautiful day - everything a monday should be
the sky is bluer than robin eggs, the su shines without burning
everyone is happy all around
and work is nicely rolling
from the window by my desk I see a shining pond
and a lazy tortoise who doesnt go to work
basking in the sun
a little dreamy a little busy everyone is working like merry little ants
keyboards humming & coffee scenting the air everywhere
sometimes I think ... its such a beautiful world :)
INSPIRED BY MICH
Lord of the Rings!
What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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ISSNT IT IRONIC ... I never watch the stuff. Closest Ive got to it is Jinx reading out some stuff thats a take on it :)
I wish I was yellow and orange and pink
Im tequila mad and crazy
wish I was a stylish gin
Im old and grown cynical
wish I was young and naive again
wish i could feel again with all my heart
even if its bound to be pain
Ive walked so far, so long now
Im tired and worn and bored
I wish I could have reached home by now
Must be some nice place at the end of the road.
Im listening to ...
"you believed in their stories of fame fortune and glory
now you're lost in a haze of alchohol soft middle age
the pie in the sky turned out to be miles too high
and you hide hide hide
behind brown and mild eyes"
Moms taken a break with the match making
The last two eminent flops of her efforts have thankfully given her some room for thought
lol ... am I glad!
I never thought MY parents would do this!
Okay - Im ancient and all - but still - they were so always cool & happening partying busy bee folks
what happened to them!!!
a funny story ...
my dad was off late driving me insane about the M thing
i was getting really fed up of fencing with him
so I turned around and told him "y dont u find me somoeone & I promise Ill go for whoever u find blindly :)"
well ... after that 3 conversations and he doesnt bring up the M word
Next time I decide to bug him a bit
so I said "what happened, u hunting???"
so he says "I will - whats the hurry ya"
another 3/4 conversations later I decide to bug get him again ...
so Im said "what happened baba, u searching and all"?
So he says "hey - I cant do all this - if u find some one - get married otherwise forget it" ... LOL
He hasnt brought up the topic again after that!!!
Thing is - in my fam last 3 generations no ones had an arranged marraige ... so they are a little puzzled as to what they r supposed to do about me ... :)
interesting quizs from vidya's post ...
what kind of a bitch are you
I am ...
You know...you don't HAVE to be a bitch of you
don't want to. Maybe you're just not cut-out to
be a bitch. But don't worry! Being a bitch
isn't all that great. You're not missing out on
(results contain pictures) What type of bitch are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
and your Japanese name ...
Ichi - "That one with wisdom" Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net
What would your Japanese name be? (female)
brought to you by Quizilla
From DIYA's post ... the color quiz
And I am ... BROWN!
You're brown, a credible, stable color that's reminiscent of fine wood, rich leather, and wistful melancholy. Most likely, you're a logical, practical person ruled more by your head than your heart. With your inquisitive mind and insatiable curiosity, you're probably a great problem solver. And you always gather all of the facts before coming to a timely, informed decision. Easily intrigued, you're constantly finding new ways to challenge your mind, whether it's by reading the newspaper, playing a trivia game, or composing a piece of music. Brown is an impartial, neutral color, which means you tend to see the difference between fact and opinion easily and are open to many points of view. Trustworthy and steady, you really are a brown at heart.
WHAT CRAP!!! :)
hello lamp post, what u doing? came to see ur flowers growing. TA dA dA DA dA DA Feeling Groovy!
i love the rainy season
of course there no big rainy season here
but i love it when it rains
and off late we have been having such nice storms and heavy showers
i like the smell in the air, and the general air of drama and excitement it always brings
and everything becomes dreamy, pretty
to misquote, on days such as this the heart turns to thoughts of love
what is love, i still havent been able to figure it out
what is it? how does it work? how do u find it? is there any such thing at all, after all.
they say love conquers all, but its only all conquering love that conquers all ... maybe!
i used to have a pet phrase. a take on a dialouge in jurassic park
nature, love, water will always find a way :)
wet winds, fragrant earth and a strange light in the sky
half memories of old places & people visited and known and loved
these are the things that make the heart feel tender at times like this
rains remind me of going off in the school bus which felt like a motor boat
leaning out of the windows to touch the "waves" (filthy)
jumping into puddles 'SPLAaaaaaAT'
school closed ... walking back home from rawdon street to southern avenue
other times ... drizzle drizzle and me and ma in matheron ... laughing and cracking up and loafing all day
me and baba in london, aimlessly wondering around and drinking beer and calling up to report "sightseeing progress" to ma everynow and then
ma is very enthu that u "have to see everything" me & dad are really lazy ... too lazy to care to much
Pune in the rain...
drip drip all day
like the gods there have diabetes
mud swirling and bird song in everywhere
running to cottage desperately trying to protect the journals in our hands
looking for a tumtum and trying to protect our sunday finery
the first time I saw rain in Dubai ...
Is this my friendly neighbourhood oven-hot dubai!!!
I always went summer hols ... so never saw rain
could have never imagined it would be so cool!
went in dec for the first time that year and wow! what rain ... what storm. Mind blowing stuff!
Like an orchestra from heaven
Bristol in the rain ...
drip drip all day
walking to work! not so nice
rowing in the rain. beautiful
laughing, kidding and getting wet and then running into the clubhouse bar to 'warm up'
bombay in the rain ...
belapur - green, so grean and wet
leo pols after loafing near the book shops in and around fountain
uncles house near VT. rain like a floods gonna happen right here right now
trying to find someones office all day in sasoon docks
the silvery shimmery light in the sky that rainy days bring
the squeaky clean look post rain
the grey gloomy grumpy look on the sky just before a big storm
rumbling, grumbling drums of thunder
the bright light fireworks of lightning
places and people. memories. and so many yet to come. life is so pretty :)