I looked ur way
with my heart in my eyes
my soul melted in a puddle at my feet
and wondered why
you dont love me
like the way you did before
and what could I do
to make your love grow
once more
cause Id do anything
anything at all
though I know
I deserve nothing
and how can I say to you
give it back to me
how could I even look in ur eyes
and smile
like the way I used to do
when you loved me
the way you used to
could I but run back to that moment
once more

its all happening

what a day
my house guest arrives tomorrow night
I need to cook and clean and a 1000 other things before she arrives
my house is dirtier than the proverbial pigsty!
and Im in one of my "living at work" phases
blimey! what luck!
onthe brighter side - the dll error is fixed
but the actual background operation is still not getting down
minor glitch for major heroes!
i gave up today - will take up battle again tomorrow ...
slept at 4 am last night! woke up to bach on the radio at 8 am ... half an hour late for work
so tonight Im taking no chances and I shall settle down with my book as indecently early as half 10 ;)
i set out for freedom
with a destination to aim for
i lost my way soon enough
down serendipitous roads
and found myself
in the jungle of your love

fire and ice
pleasure and penance
hardship and reward
father, child, god
i found everything in you

and now Im losing it all
all over again
what can I do
but smile through the pain

but its hard to be brave
and sometimes I still cry
time enough for tears
when ur finally gone
i must somehow keep smiling
while im still in your arms

hearts can love
but hearts cant hold
when the loved one grows restive
you've got to let him go
uve got to let go

but inside my heart
while u hold me strong
a wild cry shouts a storm
'dont go. dont leave me. else I shall die'
its all I can do to keep it mute
while I smile bright and say 'Ill love you'

my heart will stay
like mirror undisturbed
frozen, hidden, a reflection of your eyes
caught in the moment you passed me by
on your long and forward road


its so cold
its so so cold
i thought texas was supposed to be hot all the time!
oh god ... Im sorry for all the times I cribbed about the heat
im frozen upto my eyeballs :)

it was colder in the last place i was
but it was cold all the time so i was used to it

here it alternates between the two extremes
and totally unsettles me
u need to check the weather forecast before dressing up!

at work - Im going nuts with my calling a vc dll from vb trick
everything is nicely declared and set out still the idiot keeps saying 'cant find function' ... its so maddening!

tell me when

tell me Ill get over you?
one day, sooner or later
tell me my heart wont twist and writhe like this
one day, sooner or later
tell me Ill be like before
one day, sooner or later

tell me i wont freeze when theres a knock on the door
thinking it just might be you
tell me my heart wont jump when the phone rings
thinking it just might be you
tell me each day wont be a burden
to get through somehow. to be put behind

someday ahead i'll be able to think
of ur face without weeping pain
someday ahead i'll be able to tell someone
about you and all my love meant
someday ahead i'll be able to smile peacefully
in fond remembrance of a sweet time past

u just dont care, that must be it
they were all lies u told me
nothing else could explain it.
why did u tell me u loved me
its been a long time since I stayed up till 4 just like
there was a time when it was routine
i had forgotten how beautiful the world is just then
like the whole world is paused
and ur beautifully, alone ... it seemed like a such a pure feeling

i saw the city of angels
it moved me
cant say more

when i was a child i believed in something without knowing exactly what it was, without thinking, analysing
now Im thinking
for the last few weeks this has been on my mind
'why do we live'? whats the point? what for?
in the whole world
there are so many people living right now
different worlds
different lives
doing things, feeling things, wanting getting losing trying failing succeeding ... whats the point? what for?

i asked a lot of people and got different answers
asked myself and found just silence
i guess by the time i understand it it will be over

fever dog

sitting in the dark
listening to fever dog and
at full blast

shopped after ages today
not that Im in money again
but what the heck ;)
it was a celebration

im all out of words!
how much soppy poetry can one person write

after years of wanting and waiting
i atlast got hold of "almost famous" & today"city of angels"
now what Im dying to see "high fidelity"

she was named for a beatles song ...

does our name have any connection with the kind of person we are? I wonder ...
she was named after a beatles song her parents liked
and strangely she reminds me of the song ... shes sweet and funny and light and serious and crazy all at the same time.
but above all the things, good and a whole lot of fun!
flitting between being "all grown up" and totally a kiddo!
when I first came to know her I liked talking to her because she totally reminded me of my sister
my sister is 10 years younger and inpite of all her "maturity" will always be a baby in my eyes
and we are so different yet so similar, and that it feels like looking at my reflection thrown back 10 years in time

she gave me a sense of having friends and not being "all alone"
when I was really low more isolated from people i care for than ever before

she was probably the first person ever I got friendly with online
and its strange that Im such good friends with someone Ive never even met!
but then life is strange ...

Happy Birthday Kiddo ... hope your special day is as wonderful as U :)
What would you do if i flirted with you?
What would you do if didnt hold back

What would you do if I smiled at you like that
And if I didnt look away when our eyes clashed

What would u do if I stepped into ur eyes
And sank deep down into ur soul?

What would you do
If I wasnt kind with you

If I made ur head spin, like I know how ....
What would u do with me then?

roaming feet and a gypsy heart

DISCLAIMER *** I talk like this. Its just a manner I have. I am NOT dying of grief. just dreaming up silly pomes in my empty hours bcz Im BORED! ***

ive got a restless feeling i cant shake off
it happens often when I know disaster is on its way ...
I have a wellcomeonandgetoverwith it feeling
atleast once its over u can start the dealing with it

maybe thats why they say the scorpio's true sign is the phoenix

i need to stop reading for a while. or thinking. or dreaming ... "yet must i think less wildly"
i need to do one of my rare and tiny waking up to the real world stunts :)

"its too late ive been standing here frozen in my path looking at you
its too late you've held me enraptued
caught in the fey hours between night and day
too long have i trembled in the circle of ur arms
and cried vapour tears because u held back
u say it over and over
in that final hour
but so many shades of love as there are
how do you love me, thats what i fear
but whatever the reason ur leaving soon
and perhaps its for the best
how lonmg could this have gone on
how long lie frozen , a torn petal in your palm
how long safe and trembling with fear
how long molten, a shadow behind the far recesses of your eyes
but to leave you would be like cutiing out my heart
thank god you're leaving me"

for the worlds cutest kid, wherever he may be ...

"I ain't ever gonna let you down
All you gotta do is trust me
I would never make you some clown
Baby why won't you trust me
You give up so easily, I don't know why you can't see
I'm depending on you, don't let me down
I'm depending on you"

TOM PETTY, Depending on you

love, actually

went to see the movie last night
and fell in love again

for many years now ive been in love with someone
hes wonderful, and serious and strong ... and when he smiles he can light up the world like a million stars ...
theres only one hitch ... he's married
his name is collin firth

i also liked another man ... had a kind of a soft corner for him for ever since I knew him
very charming, but of course he's not as magnificent as collin
he's not married, but he is seeing someone (or the other)
his name is hugh grant

but yesterday ... at the movies I met this guy swept my heart away and made me forget them all ... Thomas Sangster!!!

just kidding ... this blokes really young ... about 12 at the most but he is so ... I guess Cool is the only word!
actually I fell in love someone else yesterday ... andrew lincoln
he is The One and I think I will love him Forever (unless perhaps, if Collin gets a divorce)
Atlast, my love has come along ...

waking up to the rain chatter on the roof while the wind chimes laugh amused ...

it rained all night
i didnt know
woke up to that freshly scrubbed look everywhere outside
the wind was stirring up a symphony on the wind chimes
the clouds were sweet and fluffy
the birds were screeming at the top of their lungs and so I woke up :)

i was late for my 9 oclock and missed it totally
damn! had to go and get my car back. now I dont know when I will

movie marathon and river beer last night
saw 'almost famous' again & 'hunchback of noterdam' & 'the importance of being ernest'
the first and the last Im in love with. the inbetween one was okay types. very sad

i got 3 parcels yesterday
one from my parents and one from my friend and a card
i cant explain in the post just how excited I was ... so Ill drop it.
then this morning I got a belated happy birthday from my best pal

ive never made friends online before & i was very skeptical about the whole concept
but these guys ... di, mich, pom, anu
they are all just so amazing that they make me once again stop and wonder what i so often wondered in the past ... 'bad as i am i must have done something decent somewhere to deserve friends like i have'

where does this road lead to, I fear, I hesitate, Yet Im drawn to move on, By a voice echoing in my head that home is somewhere ahead

its such a beautiful day
reminds me of the days in uk
sometimes I think those were the nicest days in my life
not, ofcourse that these days are not nice
maybe its just that days, places and people grow more "nice" in hindsight ;)

the winds are blowing strong and true
reminds me of one of my favourite songs ...
winds of change are blowing strong and true ... babe u aint seen nothing like me yet
and they are cool and wet with moisture
the sky is fuzzy with pale grey clouds
and everything looks like its backlit with a silver glow
theres a strange light in the sky today
and a stranger light in my eyes
its such a beautiful world

sometimes for some reason some stray set of words from a book or movie or a song will sometimes stick in my head and pop up from time to time ... is there a reason? is it some little imp inside telling me something? or random recordings and playbacks ...

today is from sense and sensibility .... (Elinor) Did he tell you he loved you? (Marianne) Yes... no. Never absolutely. It was everyday implied but never declared.

(Elinor)I do not attempt to deny, that I think very highly of him - that I greatly esteem, that I like him.
(Marianne)Esteem him! Like him! Cold hearted Elinor! Oh! Worse than cold hearted! Ashamed of being otherwise.

I loved that movie. I identified with her (the elder sister) SO much ... (Elinor) What do you know of my heart? What do you know of anything but your own suffering. For weeks, Marianne, I've had this pressing on me without being at liberty to discuss it with a single soul. Having it forced on me by the very person whose prior claims laid ruin to all my hopes. I have endured her exultations again and again whilst knowing myself to be divided from Edward forever. Believe me, Marianne, had I not been bound to silence I could have provided proof enough of a broken heart, even for you.

anyway ... ad requiem ... I must get moving now
BIG implementation this weekend :)

how do you weigh disillusionment
how measure fear or pain
who is to say
who is right ... in this crazy world we live in?

im just a ghost
The spirit that lingers
The heart and soul died long ago

So then there must be something outside the heart
that feels the pain

or how could it still hurt

Im stumbling on a step at a time
as if it would be fatal to pause

who knows where I go or why
certainly not I :)

get by with a little help from my friends

so so day at work
kind of hectic
now the implementation date for my project is almost here so its pretty crazy
there will be fireworks when this baby flies
there are so many interfaces its crazy
and no one has track of them all!

had a parcel problem today
my dads sent me a parcel but I keep missing the postman and they wont leave it at the apartmentoffice
damn ...

went to the new cafeteria at work
but it was closed!
suddenly Im dying to eat chinese ...

theres a storm raging outside
really big time
im glad I moved all my plants inside yesterday!
the little ones keep falling over
the wind chimes are ringing up an orchestra
I love the glass one I got here this time
and I miss the wooden ones I left at home ....

such then, is life :)

an old pome

These eyes have seen
such dirt in mans heart
These eyes have been
To hell & then back
These eyes have cried
These eyes have burned
And yet at times
These eyes dream of love
last night he came to me as I lay asleep
it seemed so beautiful, just like a dream

he brushed my face with his lips
and as I woke he held me close

he sat near me on the bed
and whispering soft he said,

my silly angel ... you were waiting for me!
Im in your heart and Ill always be

just close ur eyes
and ull feel me

i woke up and rubbed my eyes
it was such a crazy dream

all the world is still asleep
such crazy thoughts and crazy dreams


it was that time of the year again
once again, I was dreading it
By nature, Im ridiculously excited / touchy about my birthday and painfully ashamed of so being
I hadnt made new friends here. Old ones were so far away
Who would wish me, forget making a fuss

"Birthday eve" was Kams bday. Spent the whole day making kheer for him
Then I called up my erstwhile BPal in the afternoon who broke my heart cz he had forgotten bday then melted the edges and put it back together by playing "yellow" for me ... all this over an cardless ISD

Evening Kams and me went for coffee ... which turned into coffee + drive ... which turned into coffee + drive + 1 drink each ... which turned into coffee + drive + 3 drinks each :)

Half an hour before THE day officially began i got a call from Subir
And I indignantly told him it wasnt Time yet :)

Ever since then it was amost one continuous call ... kams, baba, asmita, shubir, juls, chatts, debanjan, anu, mich, diya, mom, rahul bhaiya, rahul dost, taj, paramita di. Then I got SO many sms's. And ecards ... a exquisite one from debanjan, a cute one from richa and a really funny one from emma and a sweet one from Lamya ... to crown everything a sms from Ma in the (my) morning saying "wake up my newly born ugly duckling ... rise and go quack quack"!!! I got a mail from the hobgoblin ... and just when I was giving up on her ... a mail from Pills! I kept checking my blog all day and I got so many wishes on the blog. And there was Mich and Pom's wishes on their. Oh my gawd ... it was such a beautiful day! :) THANK YOU all of you ... So Much :)

In the evening, Kams came over and we just sat and yapped. he got me the most beautiful card in the world and bought me the exact shade of lipstick Id been searching for for years :) God knows how he found it! And he bought me some lots of more stuff as well :) Makes u feel like ... what did I do to deserve so much love and affection!

I had some bad news at work and was pretty upset about it. Im probably gonna be leaving in Feb. Its sudden and its gonna be a problem financially cz I gotto pay back my car loan before then. But though Im upset about it Id be way more upset to stay behind after Kams has gone .... cz I dont know any one else and totally cant barely-bear anyone else here at work ... so Im more scared of them sending him off and then deciding not to send me back. I wanna get out of here. Dont wanna go home really, but I wanna get out of here for sure. I need to think really hard and figure out exactly what I want before I make the slightest move. Somehow I got this deepdownunder feeling that its really important ... what do I want what do I want what do I want?

One of our colleagues here invited us all for Thanksgiving dinner. That really touched me. Because most of the clients here are pretty aloof. In a whole year this is the first time Im seeing someone being friendly in a personal way ... so to speak!

It seems that I really get along with scorps and piesces ... Ive SO many march and nov bdays!
This ones for the scorps .... club scorpio

As usual at night after everyone had left and all I couldnt sleep so I thought I'll write a pome on my bday ... like our dear buddha pm ... but then I thought since I write one every (nonbirth)day anyway ... I might as well give it a break today. so I cleaned up my home page and the pink pages and chatted with Arun the kiddo! For no worthwhile reason ... thats reminds me of the quotation "love means making exceptions"

a dream

you kissed a nerve and my pulse raced
u brushed my hair from my face
you smiled and my heart paused
you melted down into my eyes, deep down inside
i shuddered, shivered, and awoke
these forever dreams, dreams of you

im wading through these clouds of days
shrouded in a humdrum daze
i walk ahead with only one hope
where the road ends, and it all begins
ill find you somehow
no matter where, no matter how

a mystery forever, who are you
i search for you in every face
i poke into every heart
looking for that feel of yours
mystery be solved, the end be here
i cant wait much longer, anymore

the community pool in the deep of the night

floating half asleep
the water velvet below
cool, dark bed blue green
i watch the moonlights glow
a hushed rustle fills the air
in a distance the fountain sings alone
the evening breeze rings the wind chimes
a deep rumbling solemn song
all the people asleep in their homes
dreaming their soft dreamy little dreams
god bless everyone
its such a beautiful world


I lost my icard today
Thats a 100 bucks down the drain if I dont find it by tomorrow
Charecteristically, I think I wont

Went to the library after work
Id thought that Id reissued all the books online
But apparently Id missed one ...
The tiny 'of mice and men' cost me a hefty fine

The code was fixed but there are two more in cue
Marked up as MAJOR and we exit system test noon tomorrow

My best friend is lost in action

No news yet of the leave in Dec

Thanks to having to avoid X, Ive ended up putting myself in isolation at work moreorless

The newcuteguy (not the startbucks one) is lining the cutebabe

Teddy is settling beautifully into his idyllic relationship
And I havent heard from him in eons

My gran fractured her arm

My leg is doing poorly ... the old 'accident' trying to remind me of its fading existence

The car is in the body shop and will be way past the 10th

No one will be in town for my bday

baaki sab theek hai

manic monday

crazy program
just wouldnt work
against all logic :)
applied the david hall 5minpanicrule - used up my entire stock of abuses (inaudibly)
and then looked at it again .... sure enough - Id coded one replace too few ...
bug fixed
breathe again
came home
jumped into bed - had to make up for the fact that i was up till 3 last night
oncall :(
this is 8PM ish
chatted with the "little angels"
now they're all asleep and I'm surfing the library website like a nut and 2 am
gawd! my life is crazy - how will I survive it!

I had the most delicious weekend
Im going through one of my I-couldn't-give-a-shit-phases
so all attempts at frowning self discipline and self-censure have been trashed temporarily
till the next I'll-be-a-good-girl if it kills me phase comes knocking

i watched movies till 2 am on friday
stuffed my face shamelessly
called up assorted friends back home
then read a new book till 5 am
watched the sky for a bit
wrote some soppy poetry
then slept peacefully till way past noon

at about 1:30 I shamelessly ate one of my BIG WEEKEND BREAKFASTS
went back to bed with another new book
sleptr and read on and off all day
went out to starbucks in the evening and saw two of the most handsome men Ive seen in a while
then came back
cleaned the house at a big dinner with some nice wine
wrote some very long letters
and then watched Come September
then read some more
woke up early (11am) on Sunday
did some more cleaning and then lazed blissfully for the rest of sunday
and went to bed with a nice book and hot chocolate
what a weekend :)
I had the most delicious weekend
Im going through one of my I-couldnt-give-a-shit-phases
so all attempts at frowning self discipline and self-censure have been trashed temporarily
till the next I'll-be-a-good-girl if it kills me phase comes knocking

i watched movies till 2 am on friday
stuffed my face shamelessly
called up assorted friends back home
then read a new book till 5 am
watched the sky for a bit
wrote some soppy poetry
then slept peacfully till way past noon

at about 1:30 I shamelessly ate one of my BIG WEEKEND BREAKFASTS
went back to bed with another new book
sleptr and read on and off all day
went out to starbucks in the evening and saw two of the most handsome men Ive seen in a while
then came back
cleaned the house at a big dinner with some nice wine
wrote some very long letters
and then watched come september
then read some more
woke up early (11am) on sunday
did some more cleaning and then lazed blissfully for the rest of sunday
and went to bed with a nice book and hot choclate
what a weekend :)