Calcutta, Calling

I'm home! Been here for 4 days, but feels like I had never left! She looks just like that, the City, the House, the Family & the other Friends. No net, so will have to come back and add to this post again after a while!

still no net access. been really hectic - meeting people etc - so no time to net shop. went to roxy. awesome. otherwise no partying at all. just tolly's and home and relatives places. dads birthday opening the new year was great. drinkjs at the cal club then we went to the poolside bbq at taj. i hosted a party for him - he was happy. i was happy to see him happy. and to eat the awesome cake ;)

my first new years home alone. mom & all went to cal club. sis and all went to ccfc etc. i was just home ... all alone. nice. new. surreal.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Love and Science: 5 Prime Laws of Nature

1. Every one in the world will like you but you wont be able to like them back
2. The only one you could have 'liked' will be totally and maddeningly uninterested
3. You will be able to make small talk and friends with everyone in the world except the one guy you like ... with him you will be doo-doo-dah
4. neither will that one guy help out bcz ... refer to 2. above
5. every other but the guy who is mentioned above will over react to even the most basic friendship and promptly switch to chicklet mode and you wont be able to be coolly polite to detach the same

Corrollary to above laws: atleast 5 genuine friends I am genuinely fond of, will read the above and think I am referring to them in point 5 and be 'hurt'

Originally Posted at Prerona.

I could write the saddest poem tonight

what is it about some words that stick in ur head and pop up in the most unexpected times and ways? this keeps coming to mind today: "I could write the saddest poem tonight". Or I could write about Henry and June, and how poetic it was. What adjective could I use, to tell you how much it moved me? But I wouldnt, bcz you'd either not have heard of it, or say with a dirty smirk, ah! henry and june. so, i will let it be, and accept that one cant share everything. if the book was poetry in words and dances with words, the film was dancing light and images. its exquisite. the word was made for this. if the book felt more like "'anais and henry' and 'anais and june'" the movie felt more like henry and june. still watching it. a little a day. cant bear to let it finish :)

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Dawn's call

its still dark
just before the crack of dawn
i cant put it off anymore
now i have to go
into the cold
into the storms
into the cold dark strong winds
amongst the giants
and the beautiful strangers
i've already snoozed once on the call
cant break the mornings heart
got to get up
got to go
got to be on the run
talking to the winds and giants
loving them even as u fall
the princess returns
to frozen towers of ice and glass
glittering, shining, bright lights
and big and tall and happy people
the war wages on
and you must return
to take your place
in lifes race
no more running
no more hiding
for a while
just a little while
keep on holding on
lies eyes
and tender smiles
or just holding back
tight reins
on the run
no more time for peaceful slumber
no more time the blanket of unknowing
no more quiet silent retreat
under the blankets
gotto get up and go
gotto meet the dawn

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Tagged: Top 10 - Favourite Food

Tagged By Bonatellis:

0. Fillet Steak - Medium Rare with lots of butter fried veggies (beans carrots asparagus) and creamy mashed potatoes, with pepper and mushroom sauce. my favourite is at cal club or at the grand coffee shop

1. Mutton Biryani with Chicken Chaap - best at Shaukat Mama's house

2. Kosha Mangsho - Mutton (not Lamb) and luchi

3. Lal Shak with the white stuff on top

4. Pasta with creamy cheesy with sauce

5. Dal-Baati & Bhutta Sabji - best at Ad's & Jul's houses - respectively

6. Layer Sponge Cake - best by Mommy

7. Raspberry Cheesecake - best by Mommy

8. KFC - Spicy - my favourite is in Dubai

9. Shworma. Kebabs and loads of home made homous

Tag Mira, Parna, Aparna, Anumita, Hyde, Rupenzel, Maddie, Bhavna and anyone else who would like to give it a go?

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Tagged: Down the Memory Lane

Tagged by Ubiquity. This is a long one so Ill put it all in the post page ->

Top 5 Memories -

4 years ago, Jinx and I, making the Best Friends pact

5 years ago, first day of work at T, Kolkata

7 years ago, my first day at T, Pune

8 years ago, valentines day

10 years ago, first day at Fergie

12 year ago, Moju's little talk before I.C.S.E ('u've got potential, kid' she had tears in her eyes, i'll never forget)

5 yummy things -

a good steak,
raspberry conserve,
good coffee,
daal bati,
chingri machher malaikari

songs I know by heart -
tonnes! too many to list. a selection:

final cut
like a virgin
amaro porano jaha chaye
ek din aap
zindagi se bari ...
feeling love

right now - i hope that i dont fall in love with you
i'm not in love
wherever you may go
resting here with me

actually, most of floyd, queen, hemanta, few rabindra sangeet, some metallica, most def lep, some tull, some deep p, some cohen, some JC some dylan most of 'hamara bachpan' music - madonna, wham, thriller, pet shop boys, beach boys, lucky ali, etc

5 things I'd do if I had a lot of money -

go back to studying
buy a house
become thin
give the rest away

5 places I escape to -

The Loo,
Ad's place,
Big Libraries

5 things I'd never wear -

most jewellery
hippy clothes
frilly, girly clothes
short kurta and jeans

5 favourite TV shows -

Forgot the name - used to come on Star Plus - indopak collaboration (had the song by raju singh - Dekhiye toh lagta hain ...)
Thora hain, thore ki
Pride & Predjudice

5 things I enjoy doing -


Favourite toys -

the kitchen,
the comp,
the phone,
the mirror,
and random electrical gadget around the house.

5 peeple to tag -


Originally Posted at Prerona.

Princes Street, at Day Break

Dawn hasnt woken up the sleeping city; yet. He hovers over her, like a lover, about to wake her up, but reluctant, distracted by the splendour of her spread out, defenseless, guileless, silent, in his thirsty sight.

The sky is dark. The street lamps sweep down, casting irregular orange pools of light, swelling and ebbing like tides. The few people out, walk silently, hurrying to work; or stand silently smoking outside doorsteps, as if proud to have lived to tell, through another day. The joggers go quietly by, as if a little ashamed of their obscene cheerfulness, in the face of the adult, matter-of-fact normality, crawling the streets like dawn-ants.

The buses move swiftly through deserted roads. Like long distance athletes. stretching and warming up, before the main section of the run begings

In the half light, the old buildings tower above menacing, yet benign. Like tired giants of society men, the builders, the business men, the real men, who built the city and now weary, rest. In a corner, the dark shape of a bird of the night, sweeps suddenly down from a corniche. How many ages had he rested his immense wings?

At intervals, the swanky modern offices and malls glitter with gorgeous golden lights, each more resplendant than the next, like glamourous, exquisitely non-functional, heart stoppingly just-for-moment, stunningly beautiful, array of beauties at a society ball.

Theres a magic in the hush. In the horizon, dawn is stirring; the battle between hunger to hold the city awake, and watch her supine, atlast won. Birds and Robins bravely venture forth. Children wake up and are got ready for school. Men are fed and sent of for another day. The city wakes. A new day, begins.

Originally Posted at Prerona.


is being played with ... pls dont freak out if you come and see it in some bizzare state. i'm still trying to figure out how to make the read more thing conditional.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Magic Monday

busy busy busy day ... but nice! huge fight and problems with travel arrangements but finally all was sorted. still leaving on 24th, and if that wasnt good enough to make me ecstatic, will have company for the long flight: some other people from work will be flying on the same flight. got a lot of items marked off on the list, but loads still remain. so much shopping. i hate shopping. so much packing. so much arranging and accounts other nasty jobs. damn!

song in my head "I hope"

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Hollywood Inspired

How come we kick such a huge fuss when our Indian films copy a hollywood movie or music, but no one ever says anything about it when hollywood makes remakes? Is Gere doing a Belmondo any less cringe-worthy than Kajol doing Ryan copy, expression by caricatured expression? Why is the stunning Masoom always followed by a disclaimer but Sommersby goes by without a mention? I dont know. I'm sure I must be missing something.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Magic Friday

went for the office Christmas lunch. we went to 'Orchid' and ate chinese. the main course was good, if a bit slow. the tiger was good too. helped wait for the next course. lots of laughter and chatter. nice too see everyone so relaxed and happy. we went to the 3 sisters after. stayed a while, and then left them partying. [read more]

afterwards, i had a friend come down who i went and picked up from the station. went the whistle & binkie place, at last. nice atmosphere. we stayed just a moment, but i got a feeling the place would have been great to hang out in a while, with a group of people you can hang out for a while with.

it was cold. the town was out in christmas caps on high street. came home. ate. and talked the good talk. i realised i have become rustier than i thought at handling company, specially at home.

On Saturday, went to the library. packed. cooked. posted my xmas cards. wrote the rest. and watched mickey blue eyes and sommersby. ended the day with a immense list of things to do tomorrow! I cant believe how much organsing and shopping it takes to go home for 3 weeks. Need to take sandeepa skating (away) tomorrow, as well!

Read this and said Amen to that! Great post: Thanksgiving

Watching 'Satyricon' and 'Henry and June'. Nice.

There's no way,
that this love will come and stay
but i can look into your eyes
in fractioned, fleeting eternities, slip these moments away
and dream that you'll sway
and come my way
tomorrow, ill be good, & strong again
but today, let me just slip away
into dreams of another way
dreaming that you'll sway
my way
and stay

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Whats in a Name?

Been thinking about it ... almost every Happily Ever After pair that I know has names beginning with the same letter! So now you know what you gotto to do to find Everlasting Love? Find someone who's name starts with the same letter :)

So now, one more criteria has been added to my - already formidable - list! Prashant, Praful, Polly ... Pointless!

Funny thing, though ... while reading the comments I realised taht every guy I have ever had a crush on has had a name that starts with A!

Christmas lunch again at work. Loads of turkey and cranberry -havent felt so full in ages! Looks like I'm homewards bound! Will be in sweet Calcutta next Sunday? Tickets in hand.Or the next best thing - e tickets! Will be nice to be home again! I guess. Will be great to be in Cal again. I suppose. Will be wonderful to meet friends - old and new - I'm sure! So why do I feel so weird?

Went all the way to Ocean Centre - Water World. I like Leith too. Interesting people - out at 5. Dark. Moon spilling over. Black birds swooping suddenly down, from near crumbling, acute angled buildings. Do I love this place? If you agree, check out this ... One City. Ian Ranking was signing copies near work at the Gyle Shopping Center today - missed that!

Shopped for atleast 3 hours after work! Looking for 'classic black dress' for my sister and the secret santa stuff! Really tired! After all that effort, that dude better have himself a Merry Christmas! And my little sister had better like the dress

The third and final office christmas lunch today! Xcited? Nah! Whats the point. New post up at The Calcutta Blog

Song in my head: "The snow is really piling up outside! I wish you wouldnt ..."

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Can't get you out of my head

just when you manage to get it just right, someone comes along and crashes all ur plans. What? Nevermind.

Went for my morning run - it was Awesome! Took a new route. Went towards Leith. I like Edinburgh, but I love the old buildings and streets of the Old Town. The full moon from last night still hung around, when I left. Being around Princes Street feels like being in the centre of one of those old houses with a huge open courtyard in the middle - you can see the sky lighten, shade by shade; you can see the stars dim, bit by bit. Had a lot of prose flowing in my head, will put it down sometime soon - as soon as I get a chance! I will miss Edinburgh :)

I have finally changed my 'running CD' from Kill Bill to Love Actually. Its quite nice. So the song that stuck in my head today is 'the trouble with love is' ... and the trouble with making a fool of yourself is that you can never see where you're going till its too late ;)

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Another earthquake hits the Kashmir Valley

Another earthquake hits the Kashmir Valley ... Again?

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Can't take my eyes off you

At work today, I reached almost in time, after a long long time! There was a sweet old lady in the bus, I gave her my seat and she gave me a smile.

I ate my lunch at my desk, as usual, and posted a new poem on verse. Played with the template osme more. Ate a whole lot of peanuts and tried to maintain a professional look - dont giggle, dontr talk to much, head straight, chinup, eyes front type. stoic and expressionless, is what we are aiming for. In the AM, did my full 10K for the first time since the knee break-down. I think I am finally falling back into my beloved routine! News of Visa atlast? Maybe not! I want to go to the Whistle place and the Witchery, but strange as it may sound, I dont know a soul well enough to drag along, in Edinburgh! Is it possible to have stayed somewhere for more than a year and not have made a single proper hanging around out with type friend? Wine tasting at French class today, made by Lise's father, to celebrate the last class (before christmas, i hope!). Read the post on mooning at Aparna's blog. Got 2 post ideas 'into that valley' and 'closer - what is love' but not getting the time for a proper post, what with all the new traffic rules and all ;)

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Coming Home

so here i am
all set
packed and ready to go
ready to come back home
to you, your ghosts, your memories

in vain, have a i tried
to hold on tightly
clinging for dear life
to ur echos, and images,
my loss, my pain, this numb emptiness
the blood that i cry
as i lay awake
for hours every night
in vain have i begged and prayed
to you,
and the all the gods i could think of
whom they say, u went to ...
just in case, its true.
come back, please
or i want to go too
atleast in my dreams
come back, please
but, in vain

so now i'm going home
to the iron railed bed
that couldnt hold you trapped
long enough for me to come back
to the dirty, empty rooms
where i left you
while i roamed, adventured
and lived my life,
before i remembered
conveniently belated,
that i have you
to go home to.
now, i'm going home.

i'll look,
under iron railed bed
near the open windows,
wherever the breeze blows
in every pretty place
in every peaceful shrine
just in case, you left something behind.

so here i am
all set
packed and ready to go
ready to come back home
to you, your ghosts, your memories
my legs trembling.
my traitor's badge disguised.
my fickel face disguised.
behind loving smiles.
i'm coming home.

Why I love Betty Neels

On Saturday, we had a Team dinner party at a Team Mates place (pls note: capitals - for improved Team Spirit). The party went well enough, for a office affair, but I came back with a strange discovery: boys read mills and boons too! I saw an entire collection in his house.

Anyway, my theory is most people. atleast most girls, read m&B's at some point atleast, though some would die rather than admit it (pls note quantifiers 'most' and 'some', before rushing in for the kill, if part of, or aspire to, sterling-charactered minority who do not indulge in such girly pursuits).

Most of us have our favourite types, favourite authors, or even colours (ok - I made that up). My favourites are by Betty Neels. Her books are usually Pink, sometimes Red and most frequently available in Large Print ... need I say more!

however, I will. Chaste to the extreme, none of your new style hot, exciting, sizzling, printed on the cover and abandoned "yes! i feel like a siren" type heroines inside. The girls are either strapping, with pretty eyes and gorgeous hair, to relieve otherwise plain features, or very pretty, in a quiet way. They are mild mannered, placid, efficient little nurses, usually in chidrens or old peoples wards, with a secret desire to settle down with a house of their own and a few wee ones to look after. They sometimes have a stunning, but empty headed mother, or sister, or both who are condescendingly kind to them, and with whom our heroine frequently loses her temper, but wisely holds her tongue, being a sensible young lady.

The hero is always tall, not very nice to look at, but distinguished, in a sober way. He is almost always from Friesland and always a doctor, usually a profressor of surgery. He is mild mannered, but confident, and with a hint of steel behind well tailored velvet gloves. Discretely well off and well born. He pulls the heroines leg in a calm way and makes her lose her temper, while not being very sure what exactly he is upto. he takes care of the mother, evil or good, any unsuitable current love interests are set sent packing, firmly but very elegantly. He has several big dogs and a very old housekeeper or butler (called Tuggs)

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Can't take my mind off you

I slept till 1 on saturday, woke up for a snack, and then went straight back to sleep. no point in wasting resources, unnecessarily. finally, woke at 6, shouted a nice selection of expletives into the dark room and ran off to team-mates house. the party started at 6 and was supposed to have reached before others, to cook the starters! AND i was 1 hour away from town, where the rest of team lived.

after the party, which i have spoken enough about already, i walked home and stayed up all night watching 'days of happiness' and 'pushing tin'. in about 45 mins each.

On Sunday, I woke bright and early at the crack of noon. Was late for rowing - had to be at canal by 1.

Finished at 3. On the way home, I made mental notes of things I had to do - oddjobs and important jobs like sorting bills and seeing about various accounts like electricity, and french homework. Reached home and 4 and fell asleep.

Woke up at 7. ran to Scotmid to do grocery shopping for coming week, before it closed at 8. Ran back to call home before they went to bed. Called mom and sister. received miscellaneous instructions (dont spend money, dont get us anything, spend it on urself, dont send home, etc. btw, pls see if you find a 'nice' polka dotted dress, and some more aussie formula, and also, can you look for a pink angora shawl)

cooked myself some chicken with a imaginary recipe, noted said recipe and took picture, to be dutifully put up on cookery blog. Made list of things to be worried about in the coming week (tickets, visa, electricity cock-up, halogen lights [i dont know how to replace them], aol connection, next months card bill for all those pink shirts bought in wild moment), etc; Wrote in my journal; Spent some time cyber stalking my favourite bloggers. Looked up some interesting blogs from the old man's sites. Listened to a hauntingly nice melody on ElektricBlues, discovered a Fool on the Hill. Made stupid plans, which I will never carry out; washed my hair; watched 'laws of attraction' and 'raising arizona'; dropped off my dvd's in the letter box; packed my bags (plural) for monday and went to bed with my Beloved

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Full of Beans

B'lore to become Bengalooru! (read more) Ever wondered why we feel the need to change the names we have grown up and identify with? Do you still say "that place near VT"? Do you still say "I'm from Cal"? Just curious. Maybe a lot of people do. Somehow, Chennai fits, though. I can think of Chennai, as Chennai, if I ever think of it. Though I think of Mumbai as Bombay and Kolkata as Calcutta and I guess I will always think of Bengalooru as Blore :)

Originally Posted at Prerona.

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

I saw it! Narnia! It was exquisite. I cried and cried throughout! I was watching a movie at a hall after ages! I went with Sandeepa and Shubhalakshmi. It was a little strange. After it was over, I could barely bear to break the spell!

After work, went to Praveen and Somnaths place. Did the marinade thing for tomorrows tandoori chicken. I hope their oven works! Ate a rushed dinner and then went to the hall.

It broke at 11:20. We tried to take a shortcut to Lothian Rd, almost got lost. Finally, we reached Princes St at quarter to twelve. From their they went home and I walked back to my place.

Tired! Wanna see it again

Everyone has acted so well, I thought! And my beloved Liam Neeson as the Lion's voice. When he resurfaced, I looked around and saw even the grown men were surreptiously wiping tears. The little girl, her eyes were just so amazing! And Peter, looked like Rahul Bhaiya :) The witch was Tilda Swinton ... from Adaptation, she's as great. All the children ... William Moseley as Peter the Magnificient, Anna Popplewell as Susan the Gentle, from The Girl with the Pearl Earring (I had liked her better there, though), Skandar Keynes as Edmund the Just, Georgie Henley as Lucy the Valiant ... how could they get a 9 yr old to act like that! But I fell in love with James MacAvoy, as Mr. Tumnus, the faun ... truely, madly, deeply. So much for fresh heart-break ;)

Next, I want to see Children of Dune, The Memoirs of a Geisha, Elizabeth, Elizabeth Town, In her Shoes, Mrs Henderson Presents

Originally Posted at Prerona.

European Grand Masters

European Grand Masters -this looks interesting. italy?

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Perspective of Mind: Douglas Hofstadter

A good summary: Perspective of Mind: Douglas Hofstadter
This is what I had wanted to study, at one time. It fascinates me, this subject ... but its very hard to jump back from the fire to the frying pan

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Saanj Baatir Rupkotha

I saw this movie last week. It was lovely! I dont know how I missed it before. I didnt even know about it. Saw it at my friends place when we went over for dinner and got it back. Probably not one of those that will be / would have been very popular, though!

Originally Posted at Prerona.


Reading ... or trying very hard to ... but its oh-so-hard! I'm afraid I am not liking it at all. Still, I labour on like a good girl, bcz 2 reliable sources said it will be worth it in the end. What do we live for if not to do the worthy, eh?
I think, however, theres a high risk of it ending up with Anna K, Agony & Ecstacy and Motorcycle M as the 'Unfinisheds'. Or maybe even in the sack of just couldnt like its with 'catcher in the rye' and 'tender is the night'? Washing it down with 'the mystery of the secret cottage' (thats the one in which pome-ernie first turns up) ... i didnt say that.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Friday Countdown

I'm counting hours for the end of the day - cant wait for the weekend to start! Though its not that it will be any of the things I am looking forward to. I wanted to see Narnia and go to the Whistle place, but I dont feel like going alone, and I dont know anyone I could drag along. Sandeepa and Deep had said they would, but they ditched. Or, she ditched and so I cancelled the whole thing.

Its not like I can just sleep instead, either! There's a team party tomorrow and I gotto go marinading for the tandoori for tomorrow.

Just a hypothetical question, for anyone who would care to answer, if you start from scratch, and design yourself a life, this time, or maybe, again ... how would you design it?

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Men and Science: 5 Prime Laws of Nature

1. If a man is interesting, he will probably not be 'a good man', and vice versa.

2. If he is either, or both, he will probably be taken or gay.

3. If he is either 1. or 2, or both, and free, he will probably be years younger to you, chronologically, or mentally, or emotionally, or all of the above.

4. If he is either 1. or 2, or both, and free, and not too young, you will probably not feel anything for him ... no chemistry.

5. If he is either 1. or 2, or both, and free, and not too young and you spontaneously feel something for him, he will probably not reciprocate.

Now obviously, this was written as a joke ... might as well spell it out than face the comments ;)

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Good Morning!

Double bill of will and grace. grace's mother is here to stay, will says he wouldnt marry grace even if he was straight! i'm loving it!

It takes days to build up to one speed and time, and then you cant run for a week and in one week, its all gone. 80 mins 10K :(

I wish I was going to a dinner party with lobster and sour cream!

Its a beautiful day ...

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Make Friends

dont make them so hard, that when they shrug, your world crumbles. love your friends, but dont cut up pieces of ur heart and give them wrapped presents. it hurts when it hurts, badly.

i make friends easily. all kinds of friends, but specially the intimate kind. what is, by my defination, the intimate kind? the kind where you love them and you know they love you. the kind beyond 'being nice' and 'keeping touch'. the kind you ignore for ages and then call upon sudenly in distress, trvial or non, no qualms or surprise.

and i love them. i love them big time. i'd very shameless once i get to that level. if i know i've hurt you, i will do any amount of grovelling to make it better. even otherwise, i will do anything for them. i will go to long lengths to make them happy, keep them happy. i give a lot of shit to them, but i take a lot of shit too.

theres only one thing i cant take: betrayal - as hard to forgive as it is to define. though, with time, you learn to forgive almost anything, because you learn how hard love is to come by, and whole. you learn how rare goodness is, and complete. you take it as you find it, fragmented, distorted and all. all for the love. just a little love.

its sad. it leaves you thinking, after everything we have been through, after everything i have done for you, this is what it came to? this is what you could think of me? it hurts ... but what the heck, we survive

however, when the above mentioned betrayer, enemy of self #1 comes in with a bad head and looks like a sad, lost, little boy, you forget everything and just feel like making it better, dont you? maybe thats why they say that you only really fear the ones you really love, bcz like the godfather, you cant say no to those you love, you will do anything, allow anything, forgive everything. thats why i say that when you love someone very much, they become very powerful.

specially the kiddies. i meant what i said in a comment sometime back. 'age' is so relative and subjective ... i have so run out of grown ups ... maybe the only way from keeping people from turning into cute little kiddos is keeping ur distance ... but this is is fodder for another post altogether.

Make friends, but keep your 'self'. Make friends, but dont give them ur whole heart. Make friends, but don't let them break you, dont let them near enough.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Someone has new clothes!

Atlast, after months and maybe even years, I have bought a whole lot of new clothes. A black and grey sweater, a brown skirt, and 2 shirts. Very nice. Very dear! Good thing I dont like shopping ... specially frequently! I blew up enough to make up for the lack of shopping for the last 1.5 years! ThomasPink, AustinReed and Jenners. Sale ;)

Today was Sandeepa's birthday. Went out at lunch and bought her a card and a t-shirt. Its very hard buying clothes for someoneelse. Specially, a fussy dresser and a shopoholic. Wanted to get her a book, a CD, or some perfume, or some make-up - my standard gifts - we should stick to things we know about. However, I kept remembering a comment she had made about one of the gifts I got for my birthday: she said so&so always gifts what she would like, she doesnt think about what you would like. Anyway, big flop. She didnt like! Good thing I kept the receipt.

we went for dinner in the evening. sandeepa, saheli, me and the new girl shubhalakshmi. we stood undecided for a while as no one wanted to volounteer a restaurant so i said i wanted to eat thai. my first time eating thai in UK. like chinese, its very different from thai in the USA. i had my burn-burn problem again so i practically banged the table till we got the starters after which my tummy behaved itself and we ordered and ate a nice meal (jungle curry, amonsgt other things)

its been ages since i went out for an outing with a small, social group. inspite of the awkward moments when i didnt get a joke, or logic, it was not that bad. nice ice cream

spoke to the archer in the afternoon. what is it with saggies? my life is overflowing with them. all except the one that i love and miss, my best friend, still absconding ... MIA. Maybe I should close the post.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

How dreams come true

last night, i had 1 nightmare and 2 dreams. in one, i sat at my desk working, when suddenly, i looked up to see someone standing at the printer ... thats how dreams come true!

Originally Posted at Prerona.

The sins of the father

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Walls of Perception

I see you, not as you are, but coloured and distorted by the walls of my
perception, experiences and desires, that stand between us.

You see me, not for who I am, but for who you think I am,
or want me to be.

Do you ever think about, what and why we hide?

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Strange Dreams are Made of This

yesterday was a tuesday
which meant i didnt finish with classes
and everything till 9:30
got home at 10
had already made dinner and packed lunch pre-class
red cabbage, spring onions and carrots with garlic
and the standard cous cous
ate dinner, ate some raspberry sponge cake, ate some yoghurt, had some horlicks
still i complained i was hungry
then i got out clothes for the next morning and for work
so far, i was doing good time
i didnt sit on the net for more than 5 mins
i just posted those posts i had written in the morning
checked gmail, checked my fav blogger for updates, and got up
then i started trying that archive things on gmail
before i knew it - it was 12:30
anyway, i went to bed, but couldnt sleep till about 2:30
it was cold with the window open
and it was too stuffy with it closed
or i was hungry, or i wanted to go to the loo
i woke up at 5 with the alarm
but i couldnt bear to get out
i convinced myself it was bad for my knee
i used to do this as a kid
i used to hate waking up so in my sleep i used to make up
stuff like the test was cancelled, or the homewark was actually for next week
then when i woek up i'd cry or get mad
anyway, i slept on till 7
had the sweetest dream
i was sitting outside the whistle place reading a book in the evening
someone was inside - for christmas breakfast!
and this girl came and just grabbed my book
i got mad and snapped at her
but she didnt get mad, she just laughed
some how, we got really friendly, went over to her parents
her mom was also very cute
then we were going to the mall to just hang out
on the way, my office people called
and said that could i pls drop in at ag's
had to take a local train
there were swanky new bombay style stations for new kolkata
but i wasnt carrying cash (as always)
we dropped in at south ave
took some money from ma (20 rupees), and mimi was there
anyway, then i dont remember what happened and then i woke up
so i actually still am not back on routine
i didnt go running today and i ate something weird early this morning
all in my sleep
and friends sucks!

Originally Posted at Prerona.

New Music

after a long i am listening to 'quite recent music' on my own!
usually, its only when i go home that i get a crash course in recent history from my sister. u'll get how long i mean i say ricky martin is recent history that i havent yet caught up with

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Self Discipline

I'm tired of struggling to be, and stay, who I want to be

Originally Posted at Prerona.

The Holy Mother

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Am I my Brother's Keeper?

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Friendship, Or Something Like It

i have a huge number of intimate friends, contradictory as it may sound. by an intimate friend i mean anyone that i love and who i know loves me. from these people, i take a lot of shit, and i give a lot too, most of it in the simple form of emotional time sharing, sometimes I just dissapear, go underground, unless they reach me, and need me for some genuine problem, i wont be available. i might even be cruel. specially if they are being sweet and mushy. the more so, the more irritating i will find them - its just a matter of control - how long i can fake it - and i can fake a lot for these people. why bother, cz these are people i am fond of and who are fond of me. they are not necessarily people who know me very well, or my ways, they dont have the code. they dont know what means what when. so, like a tourist in a foreign land, you have to be careful how you communicate, in order to be sure you are getting the right message across. sometimes there is no translation. except for chatts, sauce, addy, jinx and perhaps munal, i dont think there's anyone in who's terms i could translate "i do love u but i dont want to talk right now, or smile, or be 'cheered up' - pls leave me alone", "or i loveyou - but i cant tell you who i am or what i'm thinking" or "i love you - but i just cant f accept that u did that - u disgust me" - ironically, these wouldnt apply to them, or havent, till now.

anyway, i totally digress ... i was meaning to say, i have all these people i am close to and normally, i will forgive them anything. they say a scorpio never forfives. thats true. we dont know or understand what that means. so i guess with these people i dont let anything they do matter or count: just who they are or what they are to me. however, there is one thing i CANT ever forgive, in anyone ... and that is if i catch you talking behind my back about me ... even if it is about how i love coffee but hate instant ... i will be hurt. which means i will never be able to forgive. which means as of that moment i wont love you anymore. which means that if u were dying at my feet i wouldnt feel anything. nothing. as far as i am concerned you dont exist. i have switched off for very few people, but when i do its absolute and irrevokable. and u are hung without a trial, in a way, bcz all lines of communication are closed and you cant get through to get ur explanations through. ur dead. for me.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

The Dumb Questions

You will never be able to move from point A on to point B, till you have the gather the courage to ask The Stupid Questions, which you dare not ask because they you think they are obvious - to everyone but you; they usually are'nt and even if they are, it doesnt usually kill to ask. Also, or alternatively, listen to The Stupid Answers - the answers which scream out 'hullo' from deep in your gut, but you ask them to please shut up and not make a racket when you are busy thinking, or getting confused.

For example, "how do I know what I really want?", "Why should I go on?", "If I embark on this", "How do I know I will be able to do it?", "How do I know I wont be end up broke and destitute?", "How do I know I wont finish up jobless, minus my carefully accumulated, hoarded savings, unable to feed myself, unable to buy that house AND flunking out and or bored in this new route", "How do I know I will do atleast as well as I am doing in my rut and making atleast as much as I make here".

The obvious answers is there are no gaurantees. I know its scary, but you just got to leap in and keep in mind what you know - that it will be okay, even if it is not it will be. Confusing? It neednt be. Thing is, things always work out, one way or the other. Its never the end of the world (no, this is not a cue for you to start scaring me with the 'doomsday is coming' chant - respect ur elders!)

Its like diving into the deep end. You know, theoretically, that you 'can' swim and probably will manage once ur in. Yet you panic and feel frozen. Also, you might totally panic, or have a heart attack, or miss and hit ur head on the slide (do they still have the slide?) or something like that ... then someone else will probably jump in a save you. if not, you'll die. in which case none of this will matter to you anyway! Besides, if ur not frozen with panic you'll probably be okay, anyway. So moral, dont panic, dont think, just be 'Dumb' for a moment and Jump In (if you wanna feel ... nevermind (btw, why do words come to my head with trailing taglines like this attached?))

If you are confused try listening to the Stupid Answers already in your head. If you stop the panic and then sit down coolly and ask yourself the Stupid Questions you (may) ask me, and note the answers. There are somethings you know already, you just dont know, or rather, refuse to acknowledge to yourself that you know it! Q: If I just steal your cycle and go off trying to learn how to ride it, might I fall and get hurt? A: Duh! Q: Will I die? A: probably not! Q: will you hate me? A: yes, forever, anyway ... Q: If I come back and I still havent learnt? A: I'll probably have to go out with you and start you off, tai na? Moral of the story ... Bhoi ki Re! Not really! Moral of the story, listen to what yourself. Check stored system info, before executing external query, to avoid wasted resources in i/o access and also in data mgt due to excessive stored data, will probably end up with thrashing :0)

Originally Posted at Prerona.


there's a strange light in the sky today,
and a nameless fever in my blood.
i dont know why, but i feel
reckless today, and restless,
like singing and crying on twin breaths.
i'm scared of what i might do, on a day like this.

i'm restless, reckless, and ruminating today
wrote 2 big posts and deleted them
theres a strangle light in the sky
strangely warm sunlight (i thought it would have forgotten how),
this afternoon, from the window by my desk
played with the tinsel, yes - its christmas time,
and made multicoloured dancing lights
do the christmas polka, in the corner of my eye
mocking my vain efforts to stay calm,
and collected and serious,
who me? yes you! couldnt be!
so i spent the day filing and kept my temper
by the end i had even smiled and made small (humourous) talk
where once i would have put it back another 3 years, perhaps
the code? just bcz! nervous? me! why? i can barely wait!
listening to queen: 'now i'm sleeping like a princess'

i HATE gmail!!! almost broke my comp tonight, thanks to gmail. not to mention, stayed up till 11:30 when i should have been in bed by 10. Damn! they probably dont have an hci dept!

Originally Posted at Prerona.


there's a strange light in the sky today,
and a nameless fever in my blood.
i dont know why, but i feel
reckless today, and restless,
like singing and crying on twin breaths.
i'm scared of what i might do, on a day like this.

theres a strangle light in the sky
strangely warm sunlight: i thought it would have forgotten how,
this afternoon, from the window by my desk
played with the tinsel, yes - its christmas time,
and made multicoloured dancing lights
do the christmas polka, in the corner of my eye
mocking my vain efforts to stay calm,
and collected and serious,
who me? yes you! couldnt be!
so i spent the day filing and kept my temper
by the end i had even smiled and made small (humourous) talk
where once i would have put it back another 3 years, perhaps
the code? just bcz! nervous? me! why? i can barely wait!
listening to queen: 'now i'm sleeping like a princess'

This is not a poem, but i just wanted to remember this day :)

In December

wading through old posts, across all the blogs i created, as i went along. when I started, the whole point of the exercise was to have everything i wrote in one place, and like i said before, get more practise. however, i dont think its working out that way. inspite of what rahul said about the magnet thing (cant call that a story). i know where he was coming from, but, its getting looser in terms of content. like i were just saying things for the heck of it. i like my stuff less and less everyday, and i guess, thats the a necessary and sufficient condition to prove it sucks! maybe writing, and words, are also like love and shopping, you have to choose between quality and quantity.

its december: that time of the year, again. there has always been something magical about winter, for me. shamiana in the sun, international-night, bakery carnival, steamer parties, baba's holiday home, endless invites, baba's birthday bash, baba's month at home, boro din, flury's, cakes, santa claus, christmas trees, picnics, the zoo and a gentler sunshine.

and now its carols, live at surprising places; decorated shops, eateries and office spaces; twinkling street lights every evening; long luxurious nights and tiny quickly over & done with days; cuddling in under big, soft blankets with Floppy, a book and a hot drink. buying cards; getting cards; looking for robins; fairs and markets on blocked streets; gliterring frost and snow, on everything;

there's a village-market-style fair set up on fredrick street. as well as, the german fair in princes gardens. tomorrow, some people from work are going to see the roselyn chapel. i want to go but i want to sleep, as much! I am reading the town below the ground: edinburgh's legendary underground city: its not awfully well written, but its about ediburgh, and its got some interesting explanations. i think i fall a bit more in love with this place everyday. of all the places i have ever lived in, or even visited, this is the sweetest, funniest, prettiest, to date! and the people are the wonderful!

so 2005 is nearly done. at the end of every year, there is a sense of excitement and anticiaption; a rustling in your breath; like the tissue paper under a folded party dress. making progress. getting along. rocking on. what happens next ... what will the new year bring?

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Beautiful Day

Its a beautiful day (Dont let it get away. You're in the mud, in the maze of her imagination). I woke up this morning and it wasnt freezing. There was just enough wind and cool-th to make it feel 'fresh'. The sky was baby blue, laced with with little milky white clouds. The kind of sky I scrubbed onto paper with blue crayons(chitrangshu) when I was a little girl. The grass was dry and green, outside. The trees were clean, sharp, black strokes, with a few leaves still hanging on, in wee rust, ochre and russet clusters. If you watch, every once in a while, one of them will take the plunge, swirling gracefully down, like a ballerina dancing her swan song. On the ground, here and there, there a small groups of brightly coloured leaves of different shapes and sizes. the wind picks them up and makes them all go round and round in random circles, making little whirpools of colour. they look like children laughing and playing.

This was the first thing I read this morning, this article from crab's blog: In an old theater, a new life after the quake

Last night, I watched 'Ashiq Banaya Aap' ne. Took me all of a half hour. It would come along just when I was getting so smug and proud about movies from my India! I dont much like that Hashmi, and as for Sood: I had liked him SO much in Bhagat Singh (with my dearly beloved). Sigh! The girl is pretty, in the way that i like least, but has a awesome figure, or so i thought!

watching telly in the morning, it struck me: the relationships i like most AND identify with best, are archie and jughead, joey and chandler, will and grace, etc. I desperately scratched my brains and tried to think of a few pairs from the romantic genre but of the top of my head, i could just come up with rainer & justine (thornbirds) - to a point; or linus larrabee & sabrina fairchild, in a way. I liked richard and florentina (archer), but couldnt identify with them. I identify with holly golightly & paul, but dont like them (read, i dont want to). I liked satta bose and the air hostess, but they werent really going around, were they? i adore the characters played by uttam kumar and tanuja in deya neya, but i dont think i could have identified with it. i liked and could have identified with clarice and lecter, but again, they were'nt a proper couple! I still searching my memory storage - I'm sure I will come up with atleast one proper 'couple'!

I have this song playing in my head ever since I saw the movie: I hope that I dont fall in Love. The magic of it is a combination of the lyrics and the moment in the movie. I think I'm getting a crush on someone. Again. What? I thought it went away! Its pain finding stuff about songs on Google sometimes - looking for the real writer, etc. Speaking of Google, I found something I liked about Gmail! I like the way it puts each mail in the conversation seperately instead of linearly. I had to work very hard to come up with that one - to make up for all my recent b'g! Am I fair, or am I fair?

So finally I am all set up to chat with Daddy Dearest, with my mike and my webcam and everything, and he's out of town for a golf weekend. Not fair :(

Interesting piece of info: ELSS Funds, the turner report and here. More on the same here, here and here. And this from back home.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Gmail Blues

I'm back. I'm so sick of Gmail. Why did I give everyone the stupid Gmail address. Firstly its immense! I hate being called P.... M ....: makes me feel like I'm back in school and in big trouble! Secondly, there are no b folders! Cant tidy up! Nightmare for us compulsive-tidy-up-ers! Thirdly, it filters out mails from my friend. Taj sent a mail to gmail copy to work id. I got it in the work id - no trace of it at gmail! Fourthly, if I write you a mail, and you reply, and we do this over and over for about 6 rounds, I would like to leave your last reply and delete the rest. I cant! It drives me nuts. Its like sitting down to dinner with the mornings dishes in the sink.

i want to see 'in her shoes', 'elizabeth town', 'harry potter'. this weekend i watch ae fond kiss (sweet), the first knight (ok-nice), the prince and me (cute), the runaway jury (had cussak), salaam namaste (had saif)

i'm reading a book on the underground city under edinburgh!

went out for dinner on saturday. had a nice fillet mignon, perfectly done, medium rare with a lovely sauce, some haggis, with a nice wine. walked around the old town. grass market. then finished off with a drink and a chat. sunday, had planned to go to ocean center, but went for lunch to the dome instead. had mussels in an exquisite sauce and a warm chicken salad that i just loved! followed by a chat at starbucks with my favourite chai latte and a walk down george street. on monday, I stayed home, slept through most of the day. received my webcam. it doesnt have a mike. i must have imagined that part, then! its been less cold since the snow day. the city lights have been lit. the german fair has arrived.

hows that for p.c?

incidentally, p.c., here, is politically correct, right? so whats polite conversation, here? you must have some term for it? i wonder ...

addendum: check this post, if you havent. I liked it. Its intense and at the same time, its neat and finished. i'm not sure i can get across what i mean, but it really impressed me bcz it sounds like she means what she is saying, and yet she is saying it nicely, which i find a rare combination. or maybe i'm just cynical ;)

listening to music on my comp after a long time. my old mp3 collection cd's. re-intro session today with: murder, he says, a million miles away, whats love gotto do with it, radar love, sometimes when, pinacolada's, atlast, tomorrow never dies, send in the clowns, kokomo, take a walk on the wild side, 2 out of 3, summer wine, set adrift, knife, eye of the tiger, war pigs

cant find clothes i like even on yahoo avatar! damn! how hard is it to find a decent, non pansy T! :(

someone walks in to my enclosure and ignores me. woe is me :(
and now, i will to bed.

btw, does anyone want to buy a brand new un-used webcam with a built in mike?

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Archie Andrews, Where Are You?

Its snowing this morning! Started earlier than ever! The sky is think with fat, white, speeding flakes. Sandy and me went downstairs and spent a while looking up and feeling dizzy ... cool! And I'll have my webcam today! I'm happy and excited. Feel like calling up everyone and telling them :)

Song in my head, he said are you married I said no man! u can do the job when ur in town. sleigh bells ring, are you listening.

Someone came to my desk and asked me, where's Archie! Freudian? Well, I'm wondering too! Have you ever felt like you need to get in touch with someone to make some mutaul decisions, but you just cant get in touch with them? I feel like that right now. Except, the someone is me ...

Its Friday. 'Someone' is back at work. For whatever good that might be. I have a rash again. I think I'm allergic to misery!

I got my birthday books. They couldnt get hold of Beautiful Mind yet. I got the history of philosophy and 2 moleskin notebooks. One for me, and one for the little girl, who lives back at home.

I'm tired. I'm listening to corny old pop songs. I broke it up in pieces and sold it down the road, looking for someone with resources enough to buy it back, and brave enough to call me friend.

I'm tired.

Went clothes shopping but couldnt find anything. Everything seems so retro and shabby today. Or more likely, I've become harder to please. I dont like frills. I dont like girly. I dont like pansy. I dont like inelegant. I dont like too dressy. I dont like too stiff. I dont like over bright. Its the harder thing for me to know what I want, and what I like. No wonder I live in frayed basic jeans and polo type t-shirts (no logos, please) in dark blue or dark lilac or maroon and sneakers. or white shirts and grey suits. I always thought once ur grown up enough, you live in saree's and jeans.

You dont realise how lonely it is till u fall seriously ill. and u never know how clueless we still are about the human body till someone falls ill and noone knows what the hell it is.
I might be down and out a few days. Or then again, I might be fine tomorrow. In case I am, will post or mail again. asap.

Bhalo laage na

bhaalo lage na
bhaalo lagchhe na

khaali, khaali
shaara din

rasta haara
badhon chhara

All Out Of ...

Its less cold than before. Maybe, I just wasnt so well that day. Whenever its too cold, I think of the times in the past when I felt like I'd pass out from the heat. Freezing is better any day.

I wonder what decides our personal preferences. I like cold better than hot. I dont feel cold easily (If u know me, u'll have remember my std jk on the subject).

Somepeople hate the cold. They wear 3 sweaters in a Calcutta winter. How do we get these preferences and charecteristics? Is it something we are born with or is it something we aquire? Is it h/w or s/w? It could be a self modifying thing.

What was the space movie where they have left a weather monitoring robot behind somewhere in space. it has ai, and it can repair itself. somehow, it learns how to attack, when threatened. When the guys who made it come back, for some reason, it starts attacking them. So this attacking thing was aquired. The self repair was built in.

I have 4 certs I should take this Quarter. Dont feel like doing any of them. Maybe 2 of them. Does anyone else feel the PMI registration is more painful than the exam?
The b FPC is now split into 5. Whats the point giving it? It feels so forced. I'm so, so ...


In between 1PM and 5PM, Inbetween 4AM and 8AM, In between 8PM and 12PM ... thats when ideas come to me. Those are my awake zones. Guess bcz I used to study during one of those times. Why? I dunno. I felt awkward studying when people are around. Too easily distracted. U dont even have to talk to me. If theres a living, waking being in the room, or even the dorm, I'd start focussing on them, instead of some horrible thing I was reading. Actually, not horrible. I never studied horrible stuff. In college, I happily ignored my malvino for my gibson. in school, i ignored everything for physics and history. i hated any language study, as far as I recall. And arithmatic. And economics.

Stayed up till late last night. Some people had said they will come and stay but after I rushed home 'early' from work (8PM), vacuumed, cleaned the house, got dinner; and then they called and said they wouldnt come.

After that, I kept going to bed, but kept being woken by a natures call or by words in my head. Had to get up and write it down. Will put them up sometime on the other blog. Which reminds me of Henry and June: where she talks about the intersection between her diary and 'the journal'.

I'm so bad at punctuation. I remember when I was writing the description for Ricercar (my old blog): "i seek something more, something elusive, like silver sand. now I think I found it, and there, its gone again.", I had this sentence and no clue how to punctuate it. Had to stay up late and get Oni to look at it and punctuate it for me. I feel so proud of her. Though we're not in touch. Was thinking of her and Malo and Rahul and Rahul Bhaiya, and I was thinking maybe I could do a post on the people who influenced me in life, but it felt so fake and pseudo. Ships in the Night? So fleeting, 'friendships' are! Is the moment worth the pain of the passing?

I'm out of PC. I think.

PS - added after this morning's outing, I saw one of the famous foxes of stockbridge, atlast. It ran across the road, bright and clear, in the dark!

PPS - I have a cold! I'm tired and sick. i'm ill. i'm dying. I'm just kidding. I'm black and Blue.

PPPS - Today, this made me cry!

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Glittering all the way

The pavements were grey concrete
On the pavement, was a thin layer of iced frosting
In the dim glow of the street lights
The ice gliterred like crushed diamonds,
In the moonlight.
It was everywhere
on the pavement, on the fallen leaves
On the trees,
On the little red berries and glossy green leaves

Thank god I'm not a little boy
I'd have so fallen for the Snow Queen
And there'd be no beloved friend to find me and get me back
to our boxed window rose garden

Someting reminded me that when I was a kid
my Uncle used to say, "when God was making you, he was making a boy.
At the last minute, someone called him away. When he came back,
he was distracted and he made you a girl by mistake"

10 K - 65 mins. Not bad.
Have 2 more story ideas. And one new recipe
So watch out for them on the respective blogs ...
What did you say? I didnt need to know that :(

I have shifted fom breakfast bars to oats and raisins
And I've gotten over the strawberry-milk-fever!
And I've started loving Just Shoot Me

Bought myself my b'day gifts. Well almost
Went to the shop.
Bought a beautiful mind for somone (cz he has such a dirty one - j/k)
Lusted after 4 books for myself, bought 1. And bought my self some notebooks.
But they had run out of nice copies of the BM so they asked me to come back on Wed :)

Originally Posted at Prerona.

A Dream

i have a dream ...

i want to find a good man.
have a caring relationship.
a pretty house.
2 kids.
and adopt 2 more.
call them lila, taara and 2 boys names that i havent thought up yet.
a big dog (but not a german shephard, bcz he wont be like leo).
a small cat.
watch tv.
have flowers on the table.
make biryaani.
listen to music late at night.
volunteer at an old age home.
study cognition.
have a study.
have a yellow laundry room.
live in the same city as chatts, adit, juls, sauce and munal.
and mommy.
and baba.
have long hair, and wear nice saree's (like mummy).
have a house with lots of huge windows.
have more muscles.
row like a star.
run very fast.
write loads of books.
make cookies for my childrens friends.
take care of mummy and daddy.
see munal do really well and become a famous artist (yes, barbie ... 5 lakhs).
be really good, grown up, and understand everything, something, not sure what (!)

there's only one catch.
i think i'm allergice to 'good' men and
i O.D on 'caring' very easily ...

Originally Posted at Prerona.

7 Answers for 7 Questions:

For the Austere one:

Seven things you plan to do before you die!!
1. Have kids (ideally 4)
2. Adopt kids
3. Have a great dane, boxer and some cat
4. Learn to face people / things
5. Learn to forgive / understand myself
6. Aquire a PhD
7. Make it big (no ... I dont know what that exactly means)

Seven things you can do!!

1. Chat up anybody (in small numbers)
2. Vanish
3. Cook
4. Read a good book through without getting up
5. Eat ANYTHING (except Kathaal / Jackfruit)
6. Make fountain pens work
7. Untangle knots

Seven things you can't do!!!
1. Fly
2. Tolerate bad company, gossip
3. Control my temper
4. Explain why it hurt, or even admit that it did
5. Be 'nice' to people i like
6. Be 'rude' to people I dont like
7. Confrontations, Post-Mortems, Explanations
8. Waste food

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex!!
1. Goodness, Kindness
2. Personality, a certain air of wisdom, weltschmersch, maturity
3. Intelligence, Knowledge, Capabilty
4. Sense of responsibilty
5. Cruelty / Strength / I dunno!
6. Language, Diction, Voice
7. Bravery, Recklessness, Arrogance

Seven things you say most!!!
1. I dunno
2. Cant explain
3. Lets see
4. Leh!
5. Listen
6. It doesnt matter
7. It depends

(actually, also FCUK, Dumb F, SOB ... but only in select company :))

Seven celebrity crushes!!!
1. Anthony Hopkins
2. John Cussack
3. Colin Firth
4. Ajay Devgan
5. Manoj Bajpai
6. Saif Ali Khan
7. Rahul Bose

The Bachhans, Senior & Junior were on it too, but you said 7 ...

Seven people you would want to take this quiz!!!
1. Pleo
2. Jo
3. Bird On the Wire
4. Shashankh
5. Ash
6. Neil
7. Anumita

There was 'my favourite blogger' on the list, but he'd never ...

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Lazing on saturday afternoon

Prove that you're a human

well, that was easy!!!

started a new blog ... like i
didnt have enough already.

chatted with dost-maddie, and little-pom. Now
i'd just bump into mommy-mira, bhai, tiny-pix and
guru-ji online, and it would be a perfect day!

i'm confused ... is that the printers comma?

weird nightmare last night
i was wearing a awesome saree
and a hideous sweater, and then i dropped
my camera into a lake, by accident. and
someone had died.

listening JC after a long long time
'dil mein taqaat, jigar mein haal' kahaan ...

heard sumon after ages this morning
'mon kharap kora, shokal maane megh korechhe'

bought some new cd's
metallica, savage garden
now obviously i dont want to listen
feel like watching fightclub
why do i keep going back to the same movies,
the same music, same books, same people ...

struggling with my new friend: GMAIL
i HATE it! but the, i always hate the new

woke up to friends. love it whenever
rachael and ross get married. sigh!
love watching but never buy the dvd's:
i'm scared i'll stop loving it then

mood? quiet. thinking.
i like that part best!

everything you see, everything u hear
nothing is as it seems

everything you see, everything u hear
everying is a test

everything you see, everything u hear
everying is a clue

Struggling with this, its a bit stuck. If you think it macabre, blame it on my guru ji and my bhai.

I finally saw Salaam Namaste, half. Its not bad! What was all that fuss about! Actually, its got Saif, so I'd have loved it anyway, but, nevermind.

Someone has started a blog! Some who calls my little girl Munal Didi. Seems like just yesterday they were frollicking around in fink frill frocks and there they are now ... so grown up, and calling me bebu!

Originally Posted at Prerona.


Everyday I am reborn,
No one day like the other.

As I transform,
the zeitgeist,

A curtain,
of snowflakes

Each, fleeting and unpredictable
Out of control

Each form unreal
Each picture, drawn

As I wander,
along these passages

& halls, of my memories;
I stare at frozen images, in struck awe

Trembling fear,
Shameful sorrow,

Gentle protectiveness,
Shivering love,

And I draw the curtain,
with trambling hands.

On the window
of the kaleidscope.

and tweak the folds shut
and hide my quivering shadows from ur eyes.

The Red Sunrise

the black, stone* ground* shone and blinked with frost*. it was still dark. the street lights cast an orange glow. infrequently, a freak car whooshed across the deserted roads. in the corners, yellow, brown, orange and red leaves lay literred, frosted* a sparkling white by the nights frost*.

it was cold. when the alarm rang out, i was already awake, waiting. i shot out in the dark and turned it off before it woke anyone else. pulling on my warm flannel jacket, i padded over quietly to the window and looked out.

in a few mins she came into sight. she was regular, like the days. come rain, come snow, or an ordinary boring day, she was there. at a few minutes past five, every morning, she walked up the deserted street-corner, outside my window. i had seen her by accident, a first. Then curious about why someone was out so early, in the cold, i kept looking. Fascinated, I kept looking on. She went through her stretches. i couldnt see her face from where I stood, but she had an elusive grace about her. an air of a love song, in her every movement. Or so it seemed to me; i was half asleep.

we fell into a routine. every morning, i set the alarm and waited for her. every morning, i watched her in the dark. at first, she fascinated me. then, it became an obsession. i wanted her. after a few weeks, i felt that the time had come to go after her.

she gave the impression of a lonely song bird. existing, as if in a world of her own. a creature of the early morning darkness. to fade before the sun rose and shone. there was a halo of sadness and tragedy about her. i could feel it. she was someone who wa born to die; beautifully; poignantly; dramatically. she was seeking a grand end. i was born to give it to her.

i had everything ready. it was all in my pocket. the rope; the nails; the blade. sharp, shining, pure. it would be a glorious. a sypmphone in red. A Red Sunrise.

It was still dark. The orange lights, from the faithful street lamps, collected in tired pools at intervals; their glow making the paved streets, slick with dew, glow in shiny black.

It was very cold. Winter had begun earlier than usual, this year, and the cold had sprung up, almost overnight, with precocious vengence.

Somedays, it was really eerie. Some mornings, it was a pain, to get out of a warm, snug bed, and throw herself into the cold morning air. Usually, however, it was just exhilariting. It was the best part of the day. It felt like the world and she were sharing a few quite moments, before the hum of another busy day began. She was alive. She was thinking clearly. Her best ideas came to her at moments like this.

A sharp wind rose, clean, fresh, new. It stirred the dried leaves in the street corners in little dancing balletts, swirling and flying like playful children. Brown, Orange, Yellow, Russet; a symphony in Red.

The whole world seemed breathtaking sweet, and life, infinitely beautiful. At moments like this, she wanted to live forever.

She had finished her run and come back to her starting point. Checking her watch, she smiled; she had done good time. She pulled out the nozzle from the water carrier on her back and drank as she slowed to a walk.

The shortening days meant that it wasnt fully light yet, though it was past six o'clock. She felt a little nervous about going into the heavily wooded Water of Leith walk-way, but it was a shortcut and it was pretty walking through, with the river gurgling next to her as she walked, swollen with a nights rain.

The carpet of wet autumn leaves below wupid out any footsteps. The tree's joined overhead to block out any light there was in the sky. There were no steet lights in this stretch.

She was always felt a little uneasy crossing this stretch, today, for some reason it was hightened. Was she being intuitive or just silly. Probably the latter. She tried to shrug off the feeling, but walked faster all the same.

Halfway down the path, she had an unshakeable feeling that someone else was there, nearby. She turned and looked. Atfirst, she didnt see anything, but then she could make out an outline. There was a figure in what looked like a hooded jacket with the cap on, some distance behind her.

She told herself that it was just another jogger. She tried to calm the voice in her head which had a distinct urge to panic. But there was no helping it, she was really, however illogically, scared!

She walked faster, trying to reach one of the exits, but the nearest one was still several minutes away. She looked back again, and this time, the figure was a lot closer, just behind her. She forced herself to be calm and slowed her walk, so that the other walker would overtake her, and she could tell herself "look, you were making a fuss out of nothing!".

As the hooded figure approached her, she had a strange, surreal feeling. There was a sense of fatality in the moment. She could feel her hair on the back of her neck standing up.

She turned, one last time, when she felt the figure right behind her, about to pass her. As she saw the other joggers face, a wave of relief washed over her: it was just another woman! There was an added brightness in the smile she threw over her shoulder, as she silently greeted the lady, because she was smiling at herself and how 'sure' she had been that something was dreadfully wrong. The other woman smiled back at her.

Still smiling, she kept on walking. She had been so silly. It was just the atmosphere of the place and her imagination, playing tricks on her, after all. Like a trick of light.

Suddenly, she felt the other girl close in on her. Before she even realised what was happening, she had been pushed into the greens on the side of the path. It was so cold, it took her a few seconds to feel the blade slice through. It felt wet. And warm.

TO BE CONTINUED ... (and edited - the stars need replacing) :)

The Frozen Hand

its seriously cold. its about -5 and its only begun. add to that the fact that its the windy city of uk.

i woke up as usual, at 5, and went for my morning run. i was wearing my cool running tshirt (which i got when i particiapted in my first ever race) and my new orange cycling shorts.

it was cold and dark as i stepped out, but its always cold to begin with, so i didnt pay attention. about half way through my run it got really bad. i couldnt feel my hands anymore. i couldnt reach out and change the track and it was playing something horrible, loud, and i seriously thought today i might just make it. even after i got home, i was frozen for an hour and a half. it took me a serious amount of effort to get my keys out and into the keyhole. My hands are still paining from then, and its 2000 hours now and Im just home from work :(

it was terribly exciting. i guess i really need a life.

once again, that feeling is upon me: i have an urge to close to blog. its a periodic thing, i guess. comes on from time to time. i'm running out of things to talk about. i'm running out of imagination. maybe i'm running out life.

i keep trying to answer this question to myself, why do i write the blog? is it really still what it started out as, 'writing practise'? she set me thinking. she says i talk to myself. dunno. much. little. less. anything.

was looking for something i wrote after he left, the first time, and found 5 old posts. :). i love reading my old posts.

someone asked me why i always ask people if they are happy, if they have friends, if they are enjoying life. i dunno. i'm just weird i guess. i'm curious, about things like that.

they are talking about it.
my blood stirrs a little,
i feel an urge to add my 2 bits,
share the things i've thought, and seen
and learned:
that things will always be like this.
that things have always been like this.
each layer of people,
on the scales of time,
see it,
for the first time.

then i remember and i feel,
the urge and verve,
slip away."

Ray S. Guelph

Image of the day:


I am going to Perth on Sunday, to visit Abigail. Looking forward. Bebu's day out. Does it feel any grown-up-er, now that I'm thirty? No! I still feel like a baby or sage, depending on who I'm with.

Trying to work on this, dunno how it will come out, or if i will complete it. If you think it macabre, blame it on my guru ji and my bhai.

There's a Joan Baez concert in Glasgow in March. As usual, I want to go but I dont wanna go alone and I dont know a soul I could beg to come along. It always plays like this. For the Roger Waters show had to go with someone who my best friend found for me, all the way from Cal. For the Deep Purple concert, I had to beg and bribe a colleague with a elaborate dinner. Theres only one concert I actually had a friend to go with, and that was the Rodeo thingie. Thom, where are you! Dmn, wish I knew how to make 'friends' ...

Originally Posted at Prerona.

For the not dying

they are talking about it.
my blood stirs a little,
i feel an urge to add my 2 bits,
share the things i've thought, and seen
and learned.

then i remember and i feel,
the urge and verve ,
slip away.

when u went away,
with the black crow,
that flew till it filled the sky.
u took away my last links,
and pretensions,
to being one of them.
the face behind the masks dissolved,
in that one tear.

why did u make me,
and like this.
and then leave me,
and like this.
with nothing left behind,
not even the right to cry.

how do i dare mourn you,
my dead?
how do i dare,
say i care?
how can i mourn you,
i'm dead.
how do i dare,
even say i loved you.
cz i never lived my love,
so now you, my love, lie dead.

i fold away the memories
with mothballs, and oldclothes
the woollies u knit me
and him, to match
and he calls u names.
yet again.
i darent even cry.
yet again.

look, love, he's calling u back
i dared not even call you back
i dared not even cry out loud

u brought me up to be good to them
but u never taught me to stand up to them
so when u went away, trailing long black hair
and clouds of white cotton
that i clung to
you shook me off
u wont take me
just whatever had been alive
u took the best with u
whatever of the patchwork-me that was urs
the best patches.

rough cut

do u know i see through you
that im not so dumb, im kidding you

do u know how much i love u
do u know ur too good to be true

do u know u're disgusting,
and yet, fascinating

do u know im crazy about u
do you know i wanna hug u

infact, i can feel it now, while i hide
its a hollow sucking feeling inside

the only way i can identify it
is i wanna hug you really hard

like we were stuck with fevicol
before we heard of quickfix

do u know i'm hurting and scared
wanna tell u but dont know how

do u know i just wanna stay
do u know i just wanna run

do u know how much i miss you
every day. every hour. or almost

do u know how much i hate u
wanna shake u, scream and shout

that i wanna fight with u
do u know i never fought with anyone before

do u know i've never been nasty before
do you know i've never been mean before

everything ive ever known
feels like it led me to u

every road i ever took
takes me farther away from u

do you know, ur the only one
i ever told my secrets to

i dont know, if i'm sad or glad
that u turned out to be another fool

Cold Winds

Its cold. I was hoping it wouldnt be very bad while my dad was here. It was sunny for sometime on Friday and Saturday. We had a blast. The way my life is here, anythings a blast. Empty. Cold. Clean. Cool. In control. I like it.

We pubbed at every pub we found. We found plenty. Ate out. Drank champagne on my birthday. Threw a dinner party on the next day. Called everyone from work. I got a little high. We talked into the night. We went to the ocean terminal. Sat at the bar and looked out onto the sea. Went to the hill. Climbed. Took silly snaps. Took nice snaps. Stayed up late. Made mad plans for the future. Fought over whether he is balding. Traded shares. Traded cribs, how miserable it was staying alone. We did our me worst - me worst routine. We talked about how hard it is to find a friend. To save money. Buy a good house. Start a on new road in ur career, when its everything you have. Open your heart and be urself. Its funny how we are so close. All of us. In our own strange ways.

For four days and four nights, life, the world, this silent house, transformed into a crazy happy cosy homey place. Now its back to sqaure one. Although, now I got a comp at home. So now I can chat on msn and yahoo. :) Also got a new black cape, blacl pants, green-brown overcoat. Half a bottle of Glen Fiddich, very old. Some new hindi cds - andaz apna apna. Some cognac. Some champage. Some perfume. 2 books. Loads of chocolates. Happy Birthday to me. Older, not much wiser. Someone is still missing from work!

Originally Posted at Prerona.


how do you say why it hurts
the wind blows
the cold seeps slowly through, to your bones
theres a fire, out of reach
and its moving
but when you reach it, crawling through the dark
its just plastic flames blowing, in the wind
theres no warm in it
theres no heat in it
how do i make it go away
the hurt of knowing
it will never be okay?
How do I tell myself, to grow up
when i'm still waiting
for a little peace
when will the fighting stop?
when will ur wars be done?
when will loving be begun?
when will we have a happy home?
happy families
fun and games
just a little game

on another shore
i hear the laughter as children play
the sand flies
as the run around
their mamas and papas smile
then turn to each other
and disintigrate

if i could rhyme
i'd write pretty words
to make u smile
and cry

instead i just bubble inside
with words and cries
i cant hide
nor wear outside

i dont know how to say it
it was all always broken
i dont know how to say it
there was just the end where we began

In the Dark

passions and emotions
rage inside u, churn u up
like a storm, that goes on and on
murdered voices echo through the night

u feel it might have helped perhaps
if u could pour it out to someone
but far and near, now and then,
theres noone

swimming in the troubled waters
of ur warring times
i slipped with welcom song
into ur world

with pomp, and honour
ceremonies and valour
ornaments and flowers
u cut me up, and hung my pieces for trophies on ur walls

always torn
loved. and loving
shared, by mortals enemies

torn in bitter pieces
as u fought
to make me love u
and hate the world

u want to know my secrets
i sing them to my walls at night
u want to know the lies and lives i live
i cry them into balled fists, in silent screams

inky blue and velvet dark
as the night
shining, twinkling, remote
as the stars

why am i blue tonight
why do my eyes look like rain
why do i sigh and turn away
why do i smile? i forget

if i told u u'd say
lifes that way
still in the heart of my heart
something wishes why

Something smells of Happiness

I was tagged by Teleute. Its a blog-story started by Rohan. Heres the story, with my bit added in bold, at the end: The blog story. I'm tagging Peg, bcz she said she had fun doing the other one I tagged her into :)

My limit was supposed to be one line, but I overran it. Could'nt help it, as usual! Why do all my transgressions find me holding up this little balloon above my head? It's either this one, or "I didnt realise".

It's a nasty blue-black-purple day. Like the mean reds with a little less of the anger and little more of the w-t-f-does-it-matter-anyway thrown in. I was excited this morning, after I came back from my run. Its my birthday on the 10th and I dont belive I'll be 30!!! I feel like I'll just wake up and be grown up, come Thursday!

There must have been a leak somewhere, though, cz all the pink air was gone by noon, leaving me deflated and defeated. Its reading the papers, I think, that does it. Someone still hasnt come back to work. Ill! Eloped? Evil.

How does it matter anyway? I'm out of words. Or rather, I am out of things to say. Or rather rather, I'm out of PC things to say.

Sometimes, I get so angry with the world and everyone in it. Why cant people just let people be. Just bcz they are different? Anyway, whats the point? It will all go up in smoke. 40,000 people! And you are classifying and justifying. Is someones pain any easier to watch bcz he deserved it? 40,000 people. I dont blv its not even causing a stir! And now this! They are showing endless programs and documentaries on them on BBC. Will it help? I dunno. Please god let it help. Please god, let something help. Anyway, I dont want to talk abt this.

I'm on a Byron trip again. The first thing I learnt about Stockbridge, when I moved in was that, he was born here. The God of Brooding Verse. I'm reading his letters to Shelley. Incidentally, I could never get over the fact that he wrote that silly poem (she walks) as well. I have nothing against the poem, but its just, 'did he who make the tiger make thee'? I can never decide which part of Childe I like best, but this comes close:

Yet must I think less wildly: I have thought
Too long and darkly, till my brain became,
In its own eddy boiling and o'er-wrought,
A whirling gulf of fantasy and flame:
And thus, untaught in youth my heart to tame,
My springs of life were poison'd. 'Tis too late!
Yet am I chang'd; though still enough the same
In strength to bear what time cannot abate,
And feed on bitter fruits without accusing Fate.

Sometimes when I read his writing, I feel like I could never write again. (And if that one word were ... but its not)

The song in my head: Teach your children well. To someone who made me feel she was there, love you, sweetie. Thank you for being a friend. I'm missing a certain someone so much today, that I've been chirping like madness. The best friend, that I've ever had (The Queen)

I finally put up a post at the Calcutta blog! Someone there reminded me of this post and I hunted it out again.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

The Journey

He thought it would be an ordinary journey. Standing behind the pillar he watched the train snort arrogantly into the station. With each snort he was reminded of his grandfather's words "You will fail in the city and return penniless"; with every heavenward whistle, he heard his cousin, "Don't worry. Come here and I will get you a job at the construction site." Now he had a 34-hour journey to prove one of them wrong, and he expected the excitement at the end of the journey. He looked at his ticket once again: compartment S9 berth 23.

Pushing his luggage under the seat, he sat close to the window. "Papa, when will you be back?" - his four year old daughter Munni asked innocently. He stared into those soft brown eyes of the motherless kid. He held her frail palms in his, through the window. "Munni, Papa will get you a nice gudiya from the city..Say tata," his sister spoke to the kid, to avoid an emotional outburst. In a minute, the train pulled forward, and Munni's little fingers parted from between his. "I need to go..", he thought, "I have to, at least for Munni's sake.."

The humid summer breeze and the rattling train coaxed him into an uncomfortable state of drowsy consciousness. He dreamt that Munni ran away, the closer he ran to her, the farther she was, like a mirage. He woke up with a start and squinted at his watch."What is the time please?"A smallish woman, a meek voice as if she was scared that her existence would annoy someone. Her only noticeable feature was her rather large, expressive eyes."4.30"Something made him look at the woman again. He had stopped noticing women long back. Ever since Meenakshi passed away...

Four long years. His daughter’s birth. His wife’s death. Joy and sorrow in an instant. A heady cocktail. He had hardly recovered from it. He barely had a chance to. You can’t be a poor farmer in Andhra Pradesh and have time for emotional upheavals.Life betrayed him once with the death of his wife. Life betrayed him again, three years in a row, with the failure of his crops. Every year, the debt increased and it felt like a noose tighten around him. Tightened till he could not breathe. He shivered with the memory of the night, where he took a bottle of poison in his hand …

He threw the bottle away when he heard the small voice behind him, “Papa, whats beyond the big well? Sanju says that’s where the world ends.”His then-preoccupied answer had satisfied Munnis innocent curiosity, “No, beta…That’s the railroad to the city…There’s a lot of world beyond the big well.”He had repeated the answer to himself, “No, it’s not the end of the world”.Maybe some of that same innocence in this woman’s voice or eyes made him rephrase the answer to her question. “What is the time, please?”In a crystal-clear flash of certainty he realized…“It was time.”

It was time to put the scattered pieces of his life together. Just like the marbles he picked up as a boy. That he won and collected one by one from the ground, his pockets laden and bulging with his precious treasure. He had to play the game of life again. He looked at the large expressive kohl-rimmed eyes once more. Shy and downcast at times, hesitantly observant at others as she gazed out at the rushing landscape beyond the rusted iron rods of the second class carriage window. He suddenly heard himself asking, "Are you going to the city?"

She shook her head, and looked away, out of the window. She looked tense. Almost a little scared. Balbir wanted to ask "whats wrong", but hesitated. He'd been too friendly. He turned away and looked out of the window.

The train slowed. Radhapur Junction. Dusty. Near-empty. Interchangeable with so many rural stops. Just one man got on board. He wore the bright, colourful pagri of the region above his sunburned face. He had a happy face and no luggage. As he walked the corridor his eyes scanned the berths. He reached their compartment and stopped in front of the woman.


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For mercy's sake

He had always known that silence spoke volumes, unfortunately it was in a language he failed to decipher on most occasions. A long pause. He stared for what seemed liked ages. It made little sense. May be it wasn't meant to be. He shrugged and looked at his friend. The pregnant silence was ruptured by his friends intermittent sobbing. Today was Diwali, it was supposed to be the "Festival of Lights", but things were different tonight. "Lights out", yelled the Jailor. The lights went out and the virgin night was silent and dark again. But, then was he reminded of his lover whose murder brought him here. All of a sudden, the summer heat in the cell, felt dreadfully cold, when, every moment of his past life flashed in front of his eyes as he stared at the writings on the wall. It was scribbled all over, by previous inmates of the cell. Murderers, as they called them. But maybe there were not murderers, he thought, just like him. Maybe they were just misunderstood. After all, he had to kill her, so he could be sure, that she would never feel pain again.
He had loved her from the moment he gazed into those blue green eyes, he had loved her when those very eyes had looked at him beseechingly for the last time and he had loved her for every passing second in between. But all this was lost on the anti euthanasia lobby who had vehemently screamed murder as his case had hit the headlines.
It all began on a silent winter morning. The cold had crept in without its whistling army of winds. The small town slept. Wrinkled in cold, as glowing fireplaces let out splinters of warmth. Unexpectedly silent.
But he was awake. He was always awake. Sleep and he had parted ways three summers back. Since then every time his eyes closed, the mind played stage to that dramatic night.
It had been there, too... the silence. Agonising. All-pervasive. Alive with things unsaid. He had known that the she was in pain. Excruciating pain. He had called in A long sequence of doctors. Unable to believe 'the verdict', he kept taking 'another opinion', desperately seeking someone, somewhere, who would say something different from what they were all saying. Desperately seeking one doctor who would give him some hope. Desperately seeking a straw to clutch at, as he felt himself inexorably drowning deeper. There was no hope. There was just a time limit.