home again

been home for a week or so
feels like i had never left
took all my stuff out of packings and wrappings
and laid it all out again
strange tpo be back amongst my own again
own books, room, music, movies ...
i'm slipping out of the me of the last few decades,
that built a world out of these things
i'm peeping out
been here for years but never been to ccfc for new years
might go this year
funny place where i am
so much has changed
and so much still the same
its so easy to slip into sweet promises
you cannot afford to mean
gypsies and travellers
cant afford to pick up so much luggage
still amongst it all, you feel like your floating
travelling, desperately seeking
someone, something, somewhere which i can sense, but not grasp
like the half remembered word
tease ...

leaving you

this should be routine by now.
the sorrow, the shame, the betrayal,
but somehow this time hurts more than ever before.
i dont know why. what will tomorrow bring?
i had burned all my bridges and
headed out towards a distant glimmering dream.
now as it shimmers and teases, and fades further
with each step i take,
and as my breath slowly ebbs,
and as i think of the time
i have remaining, and how ambitious my dreams,
i wonder where i'll end up in end.
what waits around the next bend?

goodbye again

i had saved up months of longing,
of patiently waiting, of missing you
i spoke to noone about you
i spoke to noone about anything that matters
i collected each tear-ghost, each bastard-wish,
that i had no right to make, that came out of nowhere,
each night, spent awake, counting sighs that i didnt sigh,
and when the weight of it all grew too much,
when it threatened to tumble and fall
then out of nowhere, your voice rang out
once again, in the middle of the night, in the dark room,
i huddled on the floor cradling my phone, delicate
fragile, fleeting, the most precious of connections
how did you know i had been calling
how did you know i was giving up?
or on the verge.
i borrowed you back for a few seconds
i crammed it all in, packing time best i could
but efficiency was never my forte
i rambled uselessly
silly songs i had heard, that had made me think
of you and smile
decisions i had made
paths i had chosen
but there was still so much to say
before we timed out
and so much to not say
so much you can never say
and this too, that i never thought you didnt
get in touch last year because you "felt odd"
yes. it was the worst time of my life
in a way, it still is
she took a lot with her
so many things
whatever you had left behind
most of that she took away
now there are just a few things left
like the laptop
an obscure reference
but maybe you'll get it
but maybe its for the best
what would i say had there been the time and chance
i'm sure its for the best
anyway. what will be marker this time?
from veer zara to umrao jaan :)


ever since i was born, i have borne partings.
every few months, everytime i got used to one setup, one house,
one set of people, one set of gaurdians, i had to move to another.
one would think, by now, i'd get used to it. yet, somehow, i never do.

life has taught me to put down roots easily.
i get attached to new people before i know whats happening
strange places become home. i used to say, home is anywhere
i spend the night. i carry my home inside me.

life has taught to make friends quickly and fast.
and then labelled me unfaithful for being a good student.
but what i havent learnt is how to dull the agony of parting.
it still shatters me, everytime, to say goodbye.

and the last years new lessons taught me that partings
are not always followed by reunions.
everytime you leave your family,
you will not see them again, next year, next summer.

i have grown up seeing my father once a year.
somewhere, there was a hope that if i wait long enough
time will come, when we will be together forever
one day, we will all live together. so i waited.

but time changes everything. time erodes the goalposts
even while you are running towards them
so that panting, coughing blood, when you somehow
arrive, somehow survive, there's nothing but ghosts to greet you.

time takes everything away. you try to pluck a moment and
freeze it in your heart, but when you take it out again'
in some quiet corner of a faraway tommorow,
you find nothing but ghosts of memories. fast fading.

so the wise let go of each moment as it passes
they live only in the one they find themselves in
i have learned that trick with places and people
teach me how to do it with time. teach me to be a master of time.


can you feel jealous, hurt, betrayed, in retrospect?
funny, how i used to ask you about it, jokingly
and you always were so calm. that should have rung a bell
but no, its a bit funny, how foolish i was
and naiive, to believe all your lies
such a big lie, why did you do it? i feel like asking you
your morning prayers, your chinese screens, your games
i dont think you can be, indignant in retrospect ...
just glad for any happiness anyone finds and
gladder that i'm far away from all of it

Originally Posted at Prerona.

Rain in the Desert

Its beautiful

time to go again

still feels like i barely got here
and its time to go again
leaving for calcutta on the 19th
i still have 2 weeks of hols left
why am i going there? it feels so ironic at times
there were 2 years of my life when i didnt have
to split time between calcutta and dubai
i was in texas and i didnt come home for 2 years
ironically, those years bought even bigger sorrows
the kind that maim and leave permanent scars
perhaps, the worst 2 years of my life
i guess compared to that, these are small things to bear
splitting time and love and loyalties
there are many things i think about writing here
but it never comes out
like most people i know, this page is too much of a stranger
to share anything so intimate with
or even anything too thoughtful
bcz if you shout at the wrong wall,
the echoes that will come back will be too crass
and insensible and stupid to bear
so why do we keep writing blogs
the people who do not write about news, or reviews,
or travel, or humour. what is it about this page that
you cant shake off? or maybe that question can be
extended to society. except for 3 or 4 people i have known
all my life, no one will really come close enough for me
to be my true self with, to share anything close to truth
i will be polite and funny, and sectretly, condescending
but why bother then? i spent 5 years starkly alone
i lived away from the friends i had, and made not even a single
acquaintaince to fill the space left by them
did i miss people? no. i still say what i got beaten up for saying
as a kid: no company is better than 'filler' company


Your life is changing, and so is your style. You're a sign with definite ideas about who you are, so this is not easy to accept at first. But as you see different things in the world, your mode of presentation changes.

Imagine that you had a doppelganger. No, not an evil one, but a totally fearless double, one who was willing to push past all the doubts and anxieties and act anyway. Could you actually be your own best example?

My horoscope keeps telling me strange things. And my Uni, stranger.
For a moment it really feels like life is changing, like I am changing.
Is this really me? Then, the old fears, doubts and ghosts come back again.
And old losses. Aches in phantom limbs.
I was sitting in the back seat of the car, on the way from Jebel Ali to Mall of Emirates, thinking of such things and letting old ghosts go ... when a nusrat fateh ali khan show on radio sung this song "tum kab pardes se wapas ayoge, main ghut ghut mar jayunga, phir kisko jaan kahoge" ... musical irony


when i logged in i was offered the option to switch to beta - itching to try it out but when i clicked it, it said i couldnt. damn!

i desperately want to sort out the half million blogs, delete a million crappy posts and collect the rest in one place.

sometimes there's no time, and at others there's no resources. the net just barely works here. and i dont have much net time. hmmm ...

got into a raging fight with the bmi lady at check in. there's this lady (?) called emma i always get into a fight with. have done once before as well. she's a real nasty one. i hate flying now with all the hassles they keep dreaming up everyday.

its fun to be home though. getting (even more) fattened up with a non stop supply of goodies from the excellent and awesome bahadur singh, god bless him!

hajaar mountains in the rain

I'm back at a strange place
Half familiar, half forgotten
I havent been home, to this one,
In winter, for years ... and alone.
How could four walls and a patch of
green change so much in a season?
The mountains in the backdrop, that I have always seen austere and dusty, dry, are rain soaked.
The winds that roar outside,
are not hot enough to burn skin.
And in the sky,
float clouds: pretty, bluish grey.
I want to walk out to the mountains.
More than ever they call me.
In this season,
I can sit for hours on the old bleached beech swing,
and cut back and forth through
the cloud of memories we have wea\ved around it,
for 18 years ...
18 years we have inhabited this house,
every odd vacation
but it still doesnt feel like home
but then, 18 is less than 31, and still
this life doesnt feel like home.
sitting alone with him in the dozing evening,
i remember the time i first saw him,
its been 18 years
as times goes by all the memories fade
and grow less cool
leaving behind just the calculations
tallying time ...
'quiet desperation' is stuck in my head
and i want to go home ... and read it again
a find a smile as i sneak up on myself ...
thats all there is to it then
home is where all my books are

watched dead poets society, bluffmaster and binodini (sorry, chokher bali) again ...

i never understand
wish i could read bangla enough to read the book

why did meggie come back?

had he read the book, or is there a common thread,
found it in many others as well

she is so hauntingly familiar
she makes me shiver

greed is like barnacles
unbearingly, fascinatingly,
disgustingly, irresistibly ugly
across time and geography,
its never been allowed us

its dead poets that reminded me of quiet desperation
and why did that remind mee of 'end of ...'?
and popcorn, and rainy days, and shadowy rooms
and hiding in corners with words.

loneliness has a sharp edge of desperation
most of the times, we dont venture there
our eyes meet, but i turn away
i dont want to go your way
but what would turn out, i wonder
if i let it loose? what would the desperation do?

Phantom Song: Once Again

the song. the current obsession. wanna see it again

It hurts so much to remember
To hear your voice again
To hear the sound of you laughing
Been so long since I felt the pain
Thank you ...
So now I feel alive again
This time the door slammed for good
Ghosts will be laid to rest
My knees hurt from kneeling at our grave
Perhaps its time to move on ...
Take care. Be good. Wish you well
Jokes on me again
I'll wait for you further down, at the bend
Till your done, with this round, again

Originally Posted at Prerona.

missing you. blue. true. :D

barbie munal
Originally uploaded by prerona.

barbie, bebu: Then

Originally uploaded by prerona.

barbie, bebu: Now

Trekkers United
Originally uploaded by prerona.

barbie, bebu: Forever

Memories. Misty water coloured memories. Of the way we were

Originally uploaded by prerona.

do you remember me, how we used to be ...

I'm a Goddess! Yeah, Right!

I'm a Goddess (yeah, right!

Horoscope for the day says:

Believe it or not, you have a twin, and not an evil one, either. This 'twin' is more like an inner child. It's your double, the self you would be if you had no fears, anxieties or misconceptions. Access that energy now.

And how do you find her? Wish I knew ...
And what about this me? Like I had once said before, what happens to the thorns that we pare off as we shape ourselves into who we want to be?

New discovery: I love my notebook!

Phantom Song: Once Again

the song. the current obsession. wanna see it again

It hurts so much to remember
To hear your voice again
To hear the sound of you laughing
Been so long since I felt the pain
Thank you ...
So now I feel alive again
This time the door slammed for good
Ghosts will be laid to rest
My knees hurt from kneeling at our grave
Perhaps its time to move on ...
Take care. Be good. Wish you well
Jokes on me again
I'll wait for you further down, at the bend
Till your done, with this round, again

Yeh kya jagah hai doston

ye kyaa jagah hain dosato, ye kaun saa dayaar hain
had-ye-nigaah tak jahaa, gubaar hee gubaar hai

ye kis makaam par hayaat muz ko leke aa gaee
naa bas khushee pe hain jahaa, naa gam pe ikhtaiyaar hai

tamaam umar kaa hisaab maangatee hain jindagee
ye meraa dil kahe to kyaa, ye khud se sharmasaar hai

bulaa rahaa hain kaun muz ko, chilamanon ke us taraf
mere liye bhee kyaa koee, udaas bekaraar hai

Originally Posted at Prerona.

End of Term 1

Originally uploaded by prerona.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

That's where, I wanna be ...

Little friends at Maneybhanjan
Originally uploaded by prerona.

On the way up to Rammam
Originally uploaded by prerona.

Lone house on the way up to Rammam
Originally uploaded by prerona.

View from Rammam
Originally uploaded by prerona.

View from Maneybhanjan
Originally uploaded by prerona.

Donket trail from Siri Kola
Originally uploaded by prerona.

Loving you
The way I do
Every now and then
You creep up on my mind
And make me miss you
So much
My heart just implodes
For a little while
Wanna be there again
Right inside you
Its been so long
Dunno when we'll meet again
And you're not even mine
Wish you were, or no ...
Its more magic this fleeting way
I dont wanna drag you
Down to reality
But sometimes, its hard to be wise
And grown up, and
I miss you

And I'm coming back in December ...
To see your pale face blush
To smile at your wild wild ways
To bask in your stillness
To sit on your lonely mossy bridges
To watch you twinkling, bedecked, bedazzling
And still so clean and pure
To hear your little bells
You pure joy. Your clean laughter
Your simplicity
To feel your skies fall down on me
Every night

I'm coming back one more time
Bcz you've been on my mind

Found some other nice rammam pics on flickr. They're in my favourites

suicide cancelled

deadline extended! ha ha ha. tra la la.
omg. cud these mean i am gonna fail anyway - some kind of divine irony
oh no! i found something new to obsess about!

had to go for dinner with class friends last night
they are so sweet - they are not done (with submissions) yet,
but they preponed it for me! we had a blast!
we went for a chinese dinner and had hotpot!
it was my first time and i was really excited!
and then some of the guys were into schizophrenia too so we talked s all evening
we sat there for 3 hours hogging and throwing ideas
i had THREE different servings of dessert!

Originally uploaded by prerona.

so my submission has been extended and so has my ticket
i can do this thing properly now. and its back to work.

all is happy-happy!