BOING goes the HEART!

whats attraction all about
why do we feel that we like and trust some people
the minute we get to know them
sometimes even before we have met them
like a filmstar, or a net friend or a dead personality we met in the pages of a history book
Im not thinking about just boy-girl girl-boy kind of attraction here
just general human bein to human being kind
what makes us meet some one and instantly feel that we would like to make a friend here
or we can place or trust there
or we can laugh unconcerned here

and of course there is the boy-girl girl-boy angle as well
suddenly meet someone **trrrrrrrrrrrring**
**BOING** ur eyes meet
you smile, he smiles (or not)
**TING TONG** ban gaya connection
**DING DONG** baj gayi ghanti

what are the dynamics of frolics of the heart? how do they work?

i saw Le Divorce last night
it was quite awful, to be frank
i should have known
whenever i think a movies is gonna be mind blowing ... and wait impatiently
for months ... it is usually Awful :)

but I did fall in love once again ... with Paris!
not son of peirce brosnan, or Priam but the Paris of France
added to the list of Aleppo (first love - my birth place) & Tartous
and Kolkata (but ofcourse) and London and Bombay and New York and how could I forget ... most of germany! Another two cities I really liked very much were Jodhpur & Rajgir (and many other places I dont remember just now) but they were not like this deja-vu-evoking and blood-igniting, head-goes-boom-wow kind of impact ... and what else is love!

they say that when it comes to love, each time is like the first time
if that means that each new love wipes out memories of the old storms ... not so for me!

I got invited to go to new orleans this weekend
but I had to give it a miss ... bcz of work :(
but never mind - I wouldnt have gotten my cert yesterday had I gone ... **tarang tarang** :)

three people I know were born on the 1st of september and will need to be wished on Monday
three amazingly sweet and interesting men ... but so DRASTICALLY different I can never get over it ... so much for Linda Goodman then ;)

i found some time back this old dd ek anek song and video ... brings memories crashing in. It did not work for me till I tried playing it from winamp using the open location option

happy days are here again

i passed my exam
now im a CSQA ... for what its worth
i really thought i had failed!

chatted with neo again. and rusty too!
great fun


i saw this on ritu's blog and tried it ... interesting results!
i must write about the 'little one' ... asmita phani (pronounced like funny) ;)
she is actually a friend of a friend in cal
but not knowing many people here i talk to her a lot since i come here
people always tell me Im like a kid ... very immature and all ... but she beats me by light years
i feel like a daadi when i talk to her
she is so naive and innocent and kind of sweet
she gets into the maddest of scrapes
i shout at her so much - like i would at munal or something
and she doesnt even shout back
she's really a little one

i called her up at 3 am to tell her about my dream
i was really spooked
called kams as well but he didnt pick up
she picked up the phone and talked to me till i calmed down
last time someone did that to me i think was my grand mom or juls
feels nice wen u can 'call on' someone ... xtra nice for me bcz its usually bit hard for me to reach out and 'open up'

men are from mars
went out to see mars. pretty. 'saw' stars after a long time. remembered vani and all the start gazing we did on the karvenager flat terrace ... and the niks we gave the stars ... the jealous star (theres this one which almost seems like its trying to catch ur eye if u look at any other), the coloured star, the shy star. it was great fun.

i just dont understand myself. not 'at this time' and all. but actually - the basic self ... each time I try i feel like ill go deeper and deeper and drown into myself. but i want to understand very much. who, why, what ... ? its a mystery. everything we see, everything we hear nothing is as it seems. every thing is a clue. everything is a test.

do any of us really know or understand ourselves? some people think they do. some people pretend they do. some people dont give a damn. but does any one really really understand?

i really liked yogi's post today. about recycling souls and heaven and hell on earth & nirvana ... very bach
its the kind of feeling i got reading 'one' or 'bridge across ... ' like i thought the same but i couldnt have put it all together in words so well

trying poetry at 3am

the moon cried last night
though her shining face may lie
i saw her tears at dawn
glistening on the gras in the lawn

the sun he dried them away
they met for a few minutes today
the empty hours between day and night
when the world is fast asleep

now the moon is smiling
and silly day dreams weaving
and the crickets are singing
and a beautiful day is unfolding


comments from backblog not working! tried to craete a haloscan account - no good - they say not creating new accounts temporarily. my tech help desk is temporarily un available ... I think! i sms's him but getting very laconic answers. so im not sure what to do. maybe ill try rediff comments or upgrage my backblog account to backblog pro - maybe that'll help! its just 10 dollars. lets see.

2:30 AM Nightmares

woke up with a really bad nightmare
atleast for a change it wasnt my house - the one Im at in my dreams
something happened to my eyes today
it was all red
so my i told ramesh - my pl - and he let me go home at 4 ish
came and slet till 8:30
had dinner
read (ABC murders - agatha christie) and slept at 1:00 AM
and then I had this AWFUL dream
i was in the usa - like staying here for good (yuck)
and i was in this apt
and it was very flimsy - made of plastic I think
anyway ... Im already spooked for some reason
and i call up this friends of my moms (who once wanted me to marry her son) to ask her how she is
then i hang up
kams comes over
he gets a messege from his girlfriend on his cell
then this babe - a indian girl - but very trashy type - comes in - just walks into the house
then she starts goinf through my makeup and picking up stuff and all
i get mnad and throw her out
kams gets mad
then theres this bihari lady (sautaal types) and her husband
they knock and he lets them in
she has fever
he lays them on my bed
im scared about who and what they are - so i get into a fight with him about it
and they all three walk out and get in a car
its pouring rain outside
i scream after kams to stay back and cry i think (how pansy - i never cry)
but they go
i feel guilty
theres this party happening and a few girls and boys are camping on my balcony
outside my bedroom window
its some 'everybody go out and have fun' kind of music
all the kids are on the road
music and lights blaring
its late
thats when I notice that the floor and ceilings are made of this kind of laced plastic strips
im scared but being brave - telling myself it will be okay and i have to live it out since im here now
anyway - then this girl - the trashy one who wacked my new dior stuff - she comes back
and says she is staying
i try to throw her out but she totally refuses to budge
i call 911
as she is leaving she is kind of sad and mad and resigned
i feel guilty
then i go to the loo
and Im crying and praying desperately
and this small girl tries to get into the house
and she bites my hand
i push her out
she bites me again and tries to get in

then I woke up ...

I wanna go home :(


im so tired
called dada & kams over for dinner after years
feel like I havent slept well for ages
before that had a Blockbuster fight with Kams about our pet fighting topic (parallel parking)
i dunno
i should just give up
poor child - its not his fault
im just so dumb!
but then he is so peremptory
and we are both so ... scorp I guess! Bound to fight :)

im tired of being scared
soch na hai kya
jo hona hai hoga
chal pare hai phikre yaar dhuye mein udaake ...

lets see what happens ...
worst comes to worst ill give up and go home to daddy and live in dubai ... happily ever after ... lol

went for team birthday lunch today at mamasitos
had the Awesomest fillet mignon ... after Ages! Nice and rare and gushy bake potato (ouch ... sorry Mich) and cream (see - i know cream atleast is good)
and a big chat with janet after that about her babies. thats always feels good.


since i really shouldnt be sitting here and playing with words tinkling and glittering or deep and dark ...
bcz Im way behind schedule at work
im writing about something i read sometime back ...

My fav coffee (or one of the). Discovered it by accident the first time I went to Vizag at the taj coffee shop
Its called Ristretto and not having access to the net I had to do a lot of hunting to find out what it exactly was back then

As usual when we'd go out to eat Id order something new which Ive never heard of
And my whole family (specially Munal) will pull my leg and 'predict' how it will surely be something Gross
Then if it turns out nice - ill get like one tiny atom of the whole concoction ... bcz the rest would be gone before u can saw thieving magpie
Anyway ... Ristretto was nice ... but luckily too strong to be stolen ... so I could enjoy it in piece
This is what it is ...
The strongest and most concentrated espresso drink. It is made with about half the amount of water but the same amount of coffee as a regular espresso. It is pure, intense, and wonderful in taste. Ristretto in Italian means "restricted."

You gotto have a manual machine to do this. All of the cafes dont - some have automatic
Basically the water needs to be drawn through the coffee vvvvvvverrrrrry sllllllllllllowwwwwwwly ... and it comes out 'blow ur mind' strong and a bit winey and very sweet ... but u cant have too much. bit like the ahua i used to have as a kid in syria :)
how we hide
our secret lives
i dont tell u that i cried
alone in bed last night
looking at the night outside
theres no one in whom you can confide
no one to leanon by your side
or was that the way I script wrote my life
maybe i wanted to give this a try
being strong and tough inside
failing that atleast outside
now theres no more light in the sky
the day has come for the sun to die
It was all a wicked lie
But even now its hard to cry
And harder still to tell someone why
listen to gulaam ali
"chamakte chaand ko toota huya taara banaa daala
meri awaargi ne hai
mujhe awaara bana daala"


"dil ke lootne ki sabab puchho na sabke saamne, naam aap ka bhi ayega, ye kahaani phir sahi"

hmmm ... nice!

saturday at an end
quite wasted xcept that I had mutton for the first time since getting here
boss's daughters b'day party
gult galaxy
majorly out of place and all
but then food bahaar hai toh ...
bought madaam an awesome teddy bear
was a bit tempted to whack it myself ... but self control!


saw a cute movie on oxygen last night
"women on top"
and a nicer movie day before ... last castle ... robert redford

woke up at 6AM ... quite by accident
and i dont know what possessed me but I came over to work
but havent got much done inspite of the peace all round
IMS DB is Totally mind boggling! :(

Lots to write about but no time (and when Ill have time there'll be nothing)

Wanted to write about "all over the guy" its a gay movie & just the kind I always wondered about the absence of ... sorry that sentence came out so mangled ... I mean I always wondered about why theres no gay movie where its like a normal love story but the people happen to be to guys ... well this is like that - ish

Also about this search I did on google and came up with very interesting results

And I miss bristol & my project, friends, rowing,my studio, the weather ... i even miss tesco :(
but its just a fleeting feeling. Im happy the way things are now

and i wrote two new pomes last night -will put it up sometime
blimey ... i really gotto get back to coding now!
Been feeling a little wistful since the last weekend
Jinx and Adit and Chatto were all in Cal and they had all met up and partying
I called on jinx's cell and chatted with the lot ... it was so nice and so tempting at the same time!
Wish I could step into a magic mirror and walk out onto Southern Avenue :)
"It was one of these mysterious fairy calls from out the void"

And then Anvi met Ad too ... that was a strange co incidence ... what a small world we live in!

I just spoke to Mich ... it was great
It was kind of like ... I forgot that I barely know her!
Bad part was that I was at work and reall bogged down so I could barely talk ...
bumped into someone i vaguely in the corridor
he said "how are you"
i said "fine thanks" while sooming past
and a thot flashed by ... whats if id said Im usually nice but get weird at times :)
or told him about my stomach ache?


something in Michelles post made me think of this
whats if life paused for a moment
and everything froze and u would stand 'in the perimeter' (where there r no stars) and watch with the 'calm calculas of reason'
how would it look. what wud u see?


Ive been speaking to Vani quite a bit lately
and I got a bigg-ish mail from Ghatak this morning
And I wrote a biggie to Pills yesterday
So all in all its PUNE TIMES in nostalgia land
With golden words like deccan and chit chat & FTII & Fergusan floating around in my head

In those days, when people told us crap like "these are the golden years of ur life" and "You will remember these days all your lives long"
I always thot, what crap man! I mean ... ye jeena bhi koi jeena hai lallu!
paisa nahi. hamesha bhikaario ka haal hai
at times we'd pool resources to get one vada pav
even an auto is like a luxury
holiday "getaway" start with 3 tier bliss (often unreserved & seatless) on IR (Azad Hind Express)
tumtum mein ghumo. dhup mein pako
ghar aake gaali khaao
journals / profs / orals / practicals / and EXAMS!!!!

But in retrospect ... its something else all together!
pigging out on borrowed (beg / borrow / steal - been there done that) maggie in the dorm
and hanging out at Buggi's flat endless Sundays
and sneaking into FTII forever for lack of places to hang out in
and going to deccan for samosa's early sunday morning
and vani's street side friend
and me and pills going down the dorm - door to door - begging someone to donate a mafggie ka pkt to the kangaal janta :(
chhheeee - & people used to be so rude to us!
I remember somone (I think it was one of those semi localites) once asked as 2.5 bucks for a half pkt ... she said "please kal paisa de dena haan?"
And we were so shameless ... I think I would have felt really bad if it happened now! Ouch! Uss time pein kuchh laga bhi nahi hoga ... kya yedi hain ... aisa kuchh socha rahega :)
Didnt posses a music system so we were once camped outside this seniors (nandita's room) door when she was playing lucky ali
I fell in love with that album
once the second yrs janta mistook me for a fresher & ragged me ... I was in BE!
and I remember seema agarwal ... how we used to plague her
she used to squat in a corner in college (during prep leave - loadsa folk went to the empty bdg to "study") - and she'd rock back and forth and mumble to herself ratto-ing the whole book - cover to cover
and me & pills used to make fun of her so much
toh she used to say "no ya Im just like keeping it in mind"
that was hilarious

And Mona - my one & only Loci pal
Gawd she had a mom, and a house & and bed
And Foooooooooooooood!!!!

And I remember one time this babe
took an illegal night out from hostel and went to the disc
and poor child ... mtv chose that night to come filming in Pune!
Early in the morning there was this huge snap of her in Pune Plus ...
well not of her - but she figured pretty prominently :)
And the papers used to be kept on a kind of platform next to the matron desk
We couldnt do anything
So this other girl she kind of just went and sat on the paper ... it was really funny at that time.

And coming home on Azad Hind
It used to be like those school trains in Malory Towers or something
I mean almost 96 percent students
All the West Bengal and NorthEast janta in Pune going home
Music Jokes Halla ... Mad or Melancholy ... depending on the direction

and vani's M80 & Mona's sunny & Buggi's amazing Bike!
and how they seemed like the coolest in the world bcz of their great treasures
and hanging out a fergie & sagaar plaza & god knows where else to catch up with Ghatak
abnd SPDP

and me & vani & pills at Bugge's place
we knew vani was going off to the US
we used to ask her if she will mail and all
she used to say ya ofsourse I will
I remember this one time I asked her how often she wud mail me
she said everyday
but she never did!
the us seemed so so far away
now i am here too, in the us
but it still seems like she is so far away at times
i guess once again - its a fn of time not place!
Those times when they pass take away so much
Now we are just old hags trying despo'ly to survive from day to day
and memories, and dreams are just a luxury, to be taken out of the attic and smiled at everyonce in a while :)
why do weekends go so fast
i made beef steak
and shrimp curry
and chana
hogged like a pig
watched pride & prejudice, sense & sensiblity, new best friend and some other movies I cant remember
and a i dream of jeenie and bewitched
talked to adit and chatto & jinx in cal who were all having a whale of a time together
talked to ma & baba and munal
sunday, i slept in the afternoon. meant to just "lie down for a few moments"
but slept for 3 hours
didnt read the stuff id got back from work
but i guess its okay
chatted with diya (atlast)
and subir & asmita & rahul briefly
saw harry potter till late at night which was bliss
kams & dada went to dallas ... quite accidentally found out
its sad at times when those u thot of as ur friends suddenly drop u
and u find out always too late
but then, its okay
i had loads of fun at home :)

I find it immensely silly that i like harry potter (and jeenie & bewitched and ajooba)
but i do ... find them magical :)
its that day of the week again!
not that that should bevery exciting ... with two and a half days at home ahead ... but nonetheless Im GLAD
Ill sleep and read and hog and watch tv and chat on the phone and forget all about anything called routines!
life is a mad mess and my one and only best friend / lss has dissapeared into the dusk :(
comp de-wormed
but still very slow
dunno whats wrong
my comp issnt working
everytime i bring it up
it says something about a rpc failure and auto shuts down :(

Why worry ...

Theres that strange light in the sky again
It rained today like heavens heart shattered
And thunder like it screamed in rage
And lightning flashed like the look of still wet eyes trying to smile

Some where, so many other people, under this same sky
Some where, the sun laughs down like melted gold
Some where, theres silent snow
But here, today, theres that strange light in the sky ...

"Im pregnant again, with hopes for the morrow
But ghosts of the past call, and I must follow

Though my heart despairs, and dreams of the shore
And of laying down now to rest forever more

Yet a tiny sunbeam, still comes dancing in
Everytime I think, the end will begin

Playful like a cherub, only just born
Unsteady yet ready, to take life by the horn"

Ray S Guelph,


Im in a strange mood today
let me describe it this way
feel like spring
like I want to sing

dancing in the rain
sleeping under the sky
laughing again
dont see why

Guess its a pink and orange day
with a dark blue inlay
feel like running or crying
or loving everything
lazy lazy saturday
i cleaned the kitchen
sorted the shelves
watched four weddings and a funeral
wrote an ode to chatto sace juls and addi
and received two interesting mails

and heard jazz and read auden ... wow!

days go past faster
as we grow older
then evening rushes in
and night will begin

holidays are lazy times
i listen to my new wind chimes
then evening rushes in
and night will begin

sit& think of times gone by
sometimes i laugh, at times i cry
& then evening rushes in
and another night will begin
I bought a car this weekend
pretty excited about it
its a silver mauve pretty little corolla
okay - so its not so little!

Got a big mail from mich today
chatting with her over mails

in fact i got a load of mails today
prantik, taj, subir and rajiv and .... VANI. It was Great!
Chatted with her, or anyone for that matter, for so long
after ages
And its never the same as with that old a friend
was a time when vani was a new kid on my block
now it seems like i know her forever :)

vani is my friend from college
dont know how we became such good friends bcz she was so maddeningly sane and i was so predictably whacko!
those were the days my friends ... :)
theres something about cummins, something about being in asia's only all female engg college
Totally diff kind of experience

Muchu ... and his SE DBMS classes
Vicku and his Cohen ...
Crazy how I dont remember anything I learned but remember all the text books we used
and in somecases names of chapters as well!!!
vani was my first flat mate
and we talked for hours
though we werent very close in a strange way i guess we were

I remember the time I sent her a card which said Im feeling so low ... please tell me how wonderful I am
and she sent me a whole packet of painted rainbows and letters and quotes and lots of stuff

Vani, Pills, Latix, Mona, Sohini, Ghatak, Ftii, karvenagar, deccen, m80's ... miss college :)

Its really hot here these days
Its a perfect light blue sky out
whith big cotton wool clouds floating around

I woke up in time after years and years yesterday morning
6:30 am
subir called me up and woke me
what luxury - international wake up calls!!!

I read news, drank coffee, washed my hair, and wore a suit!
At work everyone was asking me ... why r u dressed up today
And I was like - bcz I woke up early

Woke up early today as well, but then I slept early as well
12:30 ish

Watched Emiril Live on TV
Pretty good stuff
I learned about a whole lot of 'erbs
Thn I watched the good eats or something
It was the stew special
Hell I cant cook something that takes 6 hours!
And you dont even bury it under the ground and forget about it!!!

What else?
God ... this post feels like Im writing a mail to my mom

I had my first driving class yesterday
with a professional teacher and all
I was feeling very dissillusioned
Ill never be able to do it
Its started reading the new book
its pretty nice
kind of gloomy but nice

Got a new project
Its pretty hectic
So maybe I wont write on the blog for a while!
Dunno ...
owner of a lonely heart
is so much better than a
owner of a broken heart
but still
today ...
felt strange
after a long time
really felt
like ... dunno

anyway ... all bull and crap
its a hard days night
really been working like a dog
should but cant sleep like a log

feel alive after ages
maybe its the two mamoth chats I had
dunno ....
but Im happy ... dunno why. dunno for how long. dunno what it means
but who cares, anyway.
who is this half smile
that fleets across my eye
nowadays. every once in a while
who's the phantom of my mind
a strange little slip
call people by his name
when Im not paying heed
but theres no need
for panic. yet.
its fleeting in deed
i know this inside
its just a passing tide
had a nice long chat with the cute guy from starbucks ... he IS rather cute
how can anyone smile so cute :)
and then i lost my lenses
i guess my lenses, like me, are gypsies to the core
can never stay put for long in one place
every once in a while they dissapear
then Ill search all of around inside in eyes - but cant find them
then suddenly they will pop up from somewhere
dont have a clue what happens to them inbetween
But this time it was really strange
me and kams forgot our fight and searched all over the car i was so sure they had dropped out
no luck
then I came home and fell asleep
then we went to the lib at 8 or 9 ... suddenly I feel something in my eyes ... and guess what it is!!!
one of those when it hits u and keeps hitting without a single break to cach ur breath between knocks
i was feeling proud that i got through the weekend mishapless
hah hah ... spoke to soon hit my middle finger in the library returned books box lid and I think I got a hairline fracturein my knuckle
i had one major blasting session with the senior mgr about a horrendous issue at work which kept me in all sat & sun (thats why i didnt break or bun or split and body part)
i missed the car guy when I really needed to meet up with him
had 3 different dealines i was juggling
AND i got a production problem .... a weird production problem!
and this was the unkindest cut of them all ... as I left I saw the cute-guy-from-starbucks in the lift coming in with this knockout babe
patched with kams ... but went back to fight mode in 3 hours flat ... over the tv this time
urrrrrrghhhh! splendid how thoroughly u can get $%^& in one ^%@^&^ day ...
its a season of Re - marraiges
every time i call home recently i hear about someone getting (re)married
and i go ... again! and ma says uff u dont remember anything they split up ages ago ...

im very bad at remembering the 'social events' which ma pours into my ears everytime i call
i forget people got married, split up, had kids ... or even died
i keep making a faux pas which earns my momma's wrath
like she will tell me so & so had a kid ... and Ill be like wow! hep ... single mom and all!
and she will be like ... u gaadhi she got married years ago ... u never listen to a word i say

anyway ... its rolled round to weekend again
yesterday i had to stay at work late
we have half days on friday ... we work from 8 to 12 (8 - 6 for other days) but i had to stay late ... till 3pm
still atleast i got lots done in the solitude
people yell a lot at work here
and i cant concentrate

saw 3 cute movies on telly
she devil, pie in the sky and say anything
well, bits and pieces of 3 nice movies at least :)

now im back to my book (100yrs) and writing silly poetry
today i woke up from a bad dream
dreamt that munal had died ... then suddenly it became rahul then it became chatto and it was really sad & scary
called up them up but couldnt get a hold of any of them so i just woke up and drank some coffee
yuck ... 8 am on a saturday is so dreadfully early to be awake

for some reason i miss my rowing club in bristol
this time of a sat i wud be there
it wud be an ungodly hour of the morning
it was a bit outside the main town
had to take a bus then walk from the lock, down the river, to the club
the birds would all be up and gossiping in the trees
we wud be silent and sleepy eyed
and the river wud be just waking up, smoking with swirling mist
on the opp bank there was invariably a fisherman
and some ducks floated about in the river
once we got into the river we had to row up to the ford and then back again all the way to the lock and back again in endless repeats
ur not allowed to 'chitchat', the airs 'nippy' and everything is 'brilliant' and its a 'splendid' time we'd all have!
then we'd get out after ages and all troop into the bar upstairs for fried bacon and buns and tea and lots of gossip and fun
after which we would go home or go out for beers ...
it was great :)
mad mad day at work
so many deadlines all bundled up 2gether
and something really whacky happened ... but i dont think ill blog that
then I came home and cooked some weird spinach & garlic with loads of olive oil
when kams comes over says he's hungry
so Im back to the stove at 10 making chicken & rice ...
sad life
but i saw nine months on tv
old but sweet
i remember the first time i saw it
got a lot of nice memories
miss teddy ...