congratulations ...

it seems im destined to be late for every important birthday this year. yesterday i missed the birthday of one of my dearest blog-pals. she actually had to remind me it was her birthday! this is someone who in strange indescribable ways has been there for me ever since she's been there for me. someone i care about, trust, admire - funnily enough - if u can care about , trust, admire someone u barely know ... but then whats knowing anyway?

she writes so wonderful. she thinks in such beautiful ways. she is so cool, so comfortable - to be with & with herself, so caring, so fun ...

she always asks me if im eating properly. funny - that makes me feel kind of nice. she's almost like my virtual adopted mommy :)
on your birthday ...

u should celebrate the completion of another year of having given the world, ur world such a beautiful gift ... by being alive.

u should celebrate a new year where you joined the ranks of 'prero's favourite humans' - a very elite club

u should celebrate the completion of another year of living in india - one of the most interesting places to be

u should celebrate the completion of another year of being a woman
u should celebrate the completion of another year of being a daughter
u should celebrate the completion of another year of survival
u should celebrate the completion of another year of reading
u should celebrate the completion of another year of being a friend (and what a friend)

heres to you ... HAPPY BIRTHDAY sweetie.

Wimbledon .... AWESOME!

theres a strange light in the sky today
the moon glows like a blushing bride

theres a strange magic in the air today
wish u were by my side

i stood alone on the crowded road
and looked at the moon behind castle-rock

then a jealous cloud floated across
and hid her in a purple mist

i waited a while and then giving up,
was just about to walk on home

when she popped out again
as though smiling impishly

silly moon, it was way too soon
wouldve gladly waited eternity

pardon the corny poetry but the sky is so beautiful its quite gone to my head! im drunk on beautiful the world is.

life is beautiful. there is pain. like agony tearing out your stomach. there is failure, shame, anger, restless dissatisfaction, humger for something ... unknown unseen ... teasing, taunting, from a distance. but you never just quite know what it is ... BUT those are just fleeting, in the end. like the purple clouds. behind them, the great big expanse of life ... is dazzlingly beautiful, and its all mine. tonight ...

but its hard to be this way always. hard to forget. its hard to forgive. its hard to be as kind to yourself as you can be to anyone else. and unfortunately, no one else can ever do it for you.

on the lighter side, had a wonderful weekend. saw wimbeldon. brilliant. reminded me why i have always had a brit fixation. im looking fwd to bridget jones 2. i love all 3 of those people!

a shameful admission ... i always cry at movies :( whatever the movie is i just forget its a movie and i laugh and cry and for those few hours, i forget that i have my own individual seperate life outside. i lose myself. i love that.

all set up

i have joined the library! so i feel normal and settled now. all i need is a cellphone :)

i have internet access here, so hopefully now i should be able to update my blog regularly, do the blogroll AND check my hotmail atleast once a week

its a beautiful cold saturday. i like the cold. its a welcome change specially now - cz things are really heating up at work!

today is lilacs birthday ... Happy Birthday Lilac

Also birthday of two dear friends - Brat and Asmita ... 24th and 25th. Dunno if I will be able to reach them but just in case u read this a very Happy Birthday to you!

There was a time when i couldnt imagine missing a close friends Birthday. but now i often do it. there was a time when i used to be so excited about birthdays ... my own or anyone elses ... but i guess as the years wear on ... they become less and less imp to all of us.

But on ur birthday 2 of u i wish i could have spoken to you. but i couldnt get near a phone. hope it was wonderful. hope the new year brings you EVERYTHING u may wish for and make you very very happy. Mita - wish u a little wisdom ... may you grow up atleast a little bit :) brat - happiness and may u not keep growing so "buddha" and serious. and lots of love and laughter

My own birthday is now just too months away. A horrible year is almost at its end. probably the nastiest of my life in some ways. surprisingly sweet in others. what will the next bring? old age!

I have made two mamoth decisions recently. both will change the world as i know it. feel a little scared. was strangely scared and thoughtful and a little sad yesterday. one of those days when u wish there was a friend near at hand. to sit quietly with, sharing silence and comfort. dunno what i was scared of though. i get those moods onec in a while. the world seems so big. life seems so long. and i, tiny and alone. but after all the rain last night the skies are clear and sunny today. and im as illogically happy as i was illogically sad.

This morning I heard an old favourite song blaring in a cafe as i walked down the road. joni mitchell ...
Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.

on days like this i wanna stay at home and watch "love actually" or "four weddings and funeral" "hi fidelity" or "when harry met sally". and laugh and cry and be happy and sentimental all day long

growing old

all my life she has been there for me. now she is leaning on me. its a paradigm shift so huge that i cant get oer it. can i do it? can i be there for her? have to. no other way. she wont even tell anyone else. not even her daughter

i ate fish. on my own. feels strange. no one took it out for me. i just ate the whole thing. im growing up ;)

missed the bus

i was waiting for a particular bus
i thought i had missed it
so i got up on another bus ...
but it was going in an entirely different direction
as soon as i reaised, i got off
as i got off i saw my bus
pass the bus stop ...
so i did miss my bus after all ...
i could do two things ... walk all the way home
saying, i missed my - bus so i wont take another
or i could take a bus that would take me part of the way

so is half a ride better than none?
if u go to a shop and they are out of stock of what u want
do u buy whatever they have? or do u say ok and come back home?

starry starry night

every night, as i walk back home i pass the palace, to my right. it stands with its glowing light, rising out of the surrounding gardens and parks which are immersed in darkness. i am almost shivering. its cold. the wind is sharp like 14 knives slashing through, chilling its way deep down inside me. my face feels stretched, weird, funny. the roads are almost deserted. i sing to myself as i walk on the cobbled streets. just before i reach home, i glance up. the sky is a picture of clear, deep, cerullean. its full of stars. i had forgotten there were so many stars. and they look like someone spilled a box of sparkles all over blue velvet carpet. i feel like calling the next person i see on the road and sharing the thought. its hard to enjoy so much beauty alone. but theres no one on the streets. so i walk on home. and i sing to myself, its a beautiful world.

if wishes were horses ...

Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don’t want to leave her now
You know I believe her now
Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don’t need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me
Don’t want to leave her now
You know I believe her now
You’re asking me will my love grow
I don’t know, I don’t know
You stick around now it may show
I don’t know, I don’t know
Something in the way she knows
And all I have to do is think of her
Something in the things she shows me

im feeling blue
im no good - good for nothing
eevryones good for something ...

im feeling down
i got no body
everyones got somebody

then i remembered. You can have everything or anything u want in life. but u gotto pay for it. and u gotto know. just what u want. then its urs. be careful what u wish for. ur wishes might come true. Last night I lay awake wishing ...

I wish I was a good-decent person

I wish I wasgoing out with / married to / or otherise setup "with" "THE PERFECT MAN" (as per List A or revised List B)

I wish I was drop-dead-gorgeous (or maybe just plain not-fat-black-ugly as sin)

i wish i wasnt hurt as easily as I am - or atleast that I did not cry as easily and in PUBLIC and specially while out walking alone on the streets AND SPECIALLY for reasons which are SO SILLY that they make ME laugh later ...

I wish I didnt have such INTENSE likes and dislikes in people (or anything, for that matter) or that I didnt care so much for everyone I liked

I wish I didnt ever ver feel scared bcz there were lots of new people in the room

I wish I was awfully good at something. Or even tolerably good would do

had brains

was thing

had tapeworms (so that I could eat and still be thin )

Could speak French / Urdu / German and one arabic language

I wish I had four kids

I wish I had a black BMW

I wish I had a dalmation, a great dane, a cocker spaniel and a german shephard

A slab of chocolate, a coffee and a uknowwhat to consume at any given time

rainy weekend

i feel like ive been walking ever since i came to edinburgh ... beautiful cold cold day. shopped walked and now chilling at friends place and getting mass ragged - as usual :)

its a beautiful life!


now ....

its done. but i dont know if i did the right thing. i really have no clue. guess thats the thing about life ... you cant sit on the fence forever. you have to jump -one way or the other. You'll never know till u hit the floor, or not, or hit something nasty all together - whether u jumped the right way or wrong

what if it was all a huge mistake? wish i had someone to talk to. someone with any sense at all. someone who would understand. i guess i mean, jinx or munal or rahul or rahul or chatts or ad ... or a fellow lean-ee. but they're all so far away ... and no one else will do.

why are we all so scared of loneliness? why are we so scared of making wrong decisions. of making mistakes. or why am I so scared. "it all turns out same in the end", doesnt it? "it all balances out" :) thats what I say to everyone else.

im confused. im puzzled. i have no clue what will happen now. but im also hopeful. maybe it will something nice ... :)

the night is long
but it ends, in the end
the night is dark,
but stars still shine
and once in a while the moons alight
and its all right, in the end

of men and marraiges

questions on my mind right now:

is it better to be "better" and lonely
than messed up and together?

is it better to keep waiting for the fairytale
or is half a romance better than none

can anyone be happy with anyone at all
provided they work at it hard enough - or do u need synchronised matches

if someone really truly loves you and u still feel unsatisfied
and this goes on and on for two long yrs is there something wrong with you or the reln

wish life came with a lookup dictionary!

CAUTION: THIS WONT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE BUT ME. Theres one and only one cause for all my miseries ... I have no f clue what i want in life :)

But now i guess i can safely do what i want? Or not. Is this what i want or is it what i feel like having right now. If i walk - it will be too late to come back later ... What?

If u were in a relationship for ever-so-long, but u always still feel single - is there something wrong with u, or the relnship? How much and how long can u try to fix a reln, to make it work? Or just make love, out of nothing at all

wonderful weekend

i had a great weekend. shopped for the house and also got some books cheap at bargain books and i saw a movie - terminal - tom hanks. it was great. lots of work. will write more later

of houses and homes

i found a house. its in a place called silver mills. its incredibly pretty.
but i dont like it. its too 'done up' and its too pre-done and its too new.
what i love is the old vis mansions but they're too expensive :(

im tired of gypsy feet. im looking forward to finding a home someday. something just a bit more permanent. something to come back to, however far you may roam. something mesy. something noisy. that smells like something nice is cooking. that looks like a lot of people live here and have lots of fun. that u share with people u love. so it comes round to that in the end. its the people who live in a house, that make it a home. so what im looking forward too, i guess are the people who feel like home.

adit, chatts, barb, sauce, juls ... everyones settled down. im the last man standing. sometimes i think its like some people just have an aptitude for happiness, they are always happy no matter what. and vice versa. similarly some people just have an aptitude for love. And I dont. Im great at friendship but Im just lousy at love ... I just cant handle it, This Crazy little thing called love.

i know its a lie
i know its a game
i know we're not lovers, you and i

i know it wont last long,
but before it has gone
it hurts, it burns, its lost in dreams, its Wrong!

I know the its mad
I know its silly
I know its nothing really, except all thats bad

But while its here,
While Im lost in these deep dark backlanes of my soul
While there is a dream and a memory
Of losing myself in your eyes so sweet
While I still think of you last thing at night
Wake up to a prayer of meeting you soon
While I still cry, when you are cold
And while I still sing whenever you smile
While my heart crashes whenever you come a little closer
And stops when you wander too far ...

But while its still here,
Its overwhelming me, dear

But I know its nothing,
just a little crush


I came across this poem in immortality and fell in love with it ...
Theres a movie on this guy by leo dicaprio - Total Eclipse (1995) Arthur Rimbaud

In the blue summer evenings, I will go along the paths,
And walk over the short grass, as I am pricked by the wheat:
Daydreaming, I will feel the coolness on my feet.
I will let the wind bathe my bare head.

I will not speak, I will have no thoughts:
But infinite love will mount in my soul;
And I will go far, far off, like a gypsy,
Through the country side - joyous as if I were with a woman.

i like this books so much. thank you rahul. and more so bcz it was given to me by my puppies - well rahul, actually, but i cant think of them except in the plural. i miss them like ... something u miss so much u darent think about it ... my little puppies. my sunshine. the little angels baby toddler lovers :)

and some more verse ...

this moment will pass.
this place, left behind.
nor you, nor me, will stand here again.

but this instant will be remain,
floating in time,
when i fleetingly looked into your eyes.

there are no invisible silver threads between our souls
nothing between us, nor was, nor will be
you're more a stranger than a stranger on the street

but just for an instant, there was something i wasnt sure of
a question, The answer, the look in ur eyes
just one instant, which had some kind of immortality

how long will this last

i think there are some things you cant let go off once they get into ur head ...
like guilt: how could i have said that. how could i have hurt her like tha, how did i ever do that ... that was ME!!??!!
like regret: i wish i hadnt made this decision. i cant believe i actually thought it would work out this way. i wish id studied a BIT. if id only not pissed him off like that. why did i buy that stupid thing. how could i forget my cookbook!
like greed hunger need ... i need a coffee RIGHT now, bcz i want like a coffee RIGHT now, , bcz i feel like a coffee RIGHT now
like desire: how would it feel to hug a certain somebody

we go from desire to want to need to right ... so easily. before we know it we have convinced ourselves we are wretched, miserable, deprived souls. its so hard to remember., life doesnt really owe us anything at all, does it? life is meant to be hard. life is meant tobe a battle.
i remembered this today bcz i sang it in my faourite hym when i woke up ... 'not for ever, by still waters, would we idly rest and stay. but would smite the living fountains from the rocks along our way. father hear the prayer we offer, not for ease the prayer shal be. but for strength that we may ever, live our lives courageously'

imagine the irony of someone who has long prayed for trials ... on his knees, broken, trying to wash away the marks of failure with his tears ;0)

its one of those phases when im ridiculously happy. i walk around with a silly grin on my face. its crazy - bcz i have every reason to be miserable! im broke. im not getting ANYWHERE at work, im back in the same emotional messi was in a few months agao ... can someone pls explain it to me .... why am i so happy? this scares me. bcz it almost always brings the HUGE fall up ahead. will i screw up tomorrow?

ur eyes are a window to ur soul
why do u look at me like that?

my eyes are windows to my sould
i cant look into my eyes

i need to know whats on my mind
whats making me cry and laught, in turns, all the while

i need to know, why suddenly
i feel so defeated, so lost, and broken

i need to find a friend
i could never stand alone

i need to care, i need someone, always
to love, to care for, wherever i am