the perfect year

the perfect year
Bring out the old, bring in the new
A new years wish, to share with you

Before we play some dangerous game
Before we fan some harmless flame
We have to ask if this is wise
And if the game is worth the prize

Let's wait and see, it may just be the perfect year

It's New Year's Eve, and hope are high
Dance one year in, kiss one good-bye

Another chance, another start
So many dreams to tease the heart.

random rubbish from raving mind ;)

"million dreams, none realised
million friends, no one to talk to
3 cars and a mercedes, nothing to eat"

weird lines I know
just popped up in my head
spoke to my mom after a month yesterday
sometimes it all seems so artificial
every conversation, every relationship
nothing means anything - sab chalta hai
everything is like a filler
nothing is real if you really think about it
right now i dont think there is a single person in the whole world who knows whats going on
whom u can talk to - i mean really talk - not some pc - not some random noise
as a long lost ex friend used to say a backup lean-ee

people take everything u say at face value
but ofcourse - what else should they do
no perception ... a curse or a boon ...

is life like that? ur train makes an unscheduled halt
ur stuck in an unknown unexpected place for a day or two with no way out till the train moves again
u got a whole lot of people at the station and some who were on the train
some people outside the station - who live in that town
some other people passing through the station on other trains
you know you are stuck here for sometime
you have to pass that time somehow - anyhow - as well as you possibly hcan
some people set out to see as much as they can of the place
some business minded guy to chk out the shops and mkts
a beautiful babe chks out all the men and starts admirer collecting
ur stuck here for a bit - make the best u can of the time
that means something diff to everyone
but is that all it is ...
if not then what is it
how can you reach out and find an understanding of what
i want to know. i need to know
what does it all mean
can we not find out before its over?

my weekend

its sunday night again
why does the weekend pass so swiftly

i havent called home for ages

i had a very happening weekend by my stds

cooked lunch for dada / kams / nirmal on saturday
puri chicken daal chawal

then in the evening went on "prero's night out" ... It was great
got a lot of good books from the library and saw a whole lot of movies
psycho, braveheart, english patient and gonna see chalte chalte!

and I went for two walks ... one late at night - at 9 - went for an hour and by the graveyard
it wasnt spooky at all .... it was very peaceful and serene and silent in the moonlight
and anothet in the morning ... watched a sunrise.
beautiful, red, molten and tender and graceful. a blushing sky and sweeping winds tinted with bird calls here and there

sure dont wanna go home

the title reminds me I've been of my usual diet supplement of queen for so long now.
been without so many songs I used to keep listening to. Suddenly once in a while I remember something and rush off to download it from somewhere!

its getting colder than ever here. i used to crib so much about the heat - but now, yeow its freezing!
work is crazy right now. get back late and just drop off to bed
check my mails dont reply
check the blog but dont post
im getting lazier than ever!

i drove after ages last night
im still nervous with the car!

im gonna watch remains of a day - think it will be good

i saw jhankar beats
my second hindi movie since feb 2003!
it was so exciting - even though the movie itself wasnt so great
but I liked the two friensd and their constant fooling around
"chance pein dance"

spoke to a very dear friend
after months and months
he maybe coming here soon
hope i wont be leaving before that

i hope i wont be leaving for a long time. man, I so dont want to go
but kya kare - sab khuda ki marzi hain
i was paranoid worrying about it all
but now Ive given up
jo hoga dekha jayega
waise - Ive "come to this conclusion" a million times already
but I always end up worrying about it again, eventually

we grow up, we mature, we see things, we learn, but human beings never grow out of human failings
its very hard to become someone else from who you are. however frustrated you are with yourself

ill always be absent minded, and careless in everything I do
Ill always "forget" to look before I cross
ill always get miserable with selfloathing when the accident happens!
I can neither be efficient and alert - nor bindaas and nonchalent about the repurcussions - bcz Im like this only! kya kare - control hi nahi hota ;)

but seriously ... Im more-or-less happy now
the eclipse has passed. there only one little eyewetter left. overwhelming at times but its like one of those things
like a colicky stomach ache or a bad tooth ache. unfixable. u can just close or eyes feel miserable and wait for it to pass. and its passing - its almost passing away now

Inspite of it all, or maybe because of it all ... Life is so Beautiful

remember when

Remember the feel
of lying on the grass
in the sun?
The warmth soaking
through to your bones
like butter on hot toast?

Remember the feel of gravelly sand
And waves laughing at your feet
and making the gravel soft sinky mud

Remember the feel of wind rushing in your face
when you stic your face
out of a car racing ahead
like the whole of the air is rushing into say hello to your face

Remember how the light from the fire plays across ur face
While we drown in eyepools
And u drag one finger across
merciless yet humble
and watch ...
in awe and power
victory and surrender

Sometimes we let our eyes Make love like that Just the love in our eyes
Sometimes we get tangeld up in arms and legs like that
Sometimes we smile deep inside like that warm with sweet secrets
Sometimes we make love like that ... like a long weary journeys end

disclaimer - i know this post is gloomy and & indigo ... but sometimes its fun to be dark and melancholy ;)

When something flew with the wind and came and fell on ur lap, you tried to gently put it aside.
But it wouldn't go away. It wanted to stay and lay there smiling up into your eyes with the innocent faith
that you will never can never hurt them. that you never could. and its true. you cant. for to hurt them is like
throwing a boomerang in the air, it comes back and hits you in your heart. So you give up and you
hold it close.

As days pass a strange feeling is born & it grows. Your heart stretches so that the something,
so new and foreign just few days ago has now become a part of u. Like an arm, a leg or
a corner of your soul. There is love, but this is more than love. There is friendship, but
this is more than friendship. Its beyond sex, love, fixation, affection, admiration, respect
though it encompasses all this too.

It has no name. It's a feeling of identity or loss of identity, it's the feeling when u sometimes forget
that this is a separate person, apart from urself. it causes you to be more mean to this person than you
could ever be to anyone else at times. it causes you to be more gentle with this person than you could ever
imagine, at times. And sometimes just looking at this one sweetest face, this "another person outside of you", their slightest pain, sorrow, joy, it makes your heart twist and contract.

Why does this happen? this person, this "another person outside of you", has grown into a part of you.
So that they can never again go anywhere or do anything without affecting you too.

How would explain emotion physically? when I feel strong emotion, happiness, joy, sorrow, pain, fear ...
I have a physical feeling in my heart, in my stomach, around my eyes. A contraction, a soreness, a tenderness ...
How would you feel if one of your body parts where you feel things was outside you? If you could take of
your arm and give it to someone else, would you feel pain when it got cut or burnt? How would it feel to hurt
in a place you cant reach out to and touch or clutch at, because its removed from you ... far away?

And then time comes when that which came flying in the summer wind and landed on your lap one day, it gets
restless and starts to stir again. The season has rolled round to summer again. The wind one which it had flown
is back. and it wants to fly again. Like a little red feather fluttering in the wind, it can land in ur hand for a while
but you cant hold it there forever. You have to open your palms and let it go when the wind will call it again.
But you have let it grow into you. Or you have let yourself grow into it. But still you have to let it go ...
cut open your heart and let it fly out again. Your heart will bleed. Your eys will bleed. Your soul will cry & howl
like roaring winds in a wild desert night.

But if your heart was true & your love was real, you will let it go. You will smile and laugh and joke, so the journey of
your little feather is not made heavy with ur tears.

But sometimes when you are alone, you will find yourself staring vacantly into space. You will feel a emptyness like a
black still empty room. And suddenly you will break down and cry. You will scream and shout and cry out
into the empty room. Your whole body will shake and ur whole sould will tremble and quake with the fear.
The greatest fear of all ... how will I survive this. Someday, long after, when they are all gone and there is no one left
to see you gone weak. you will stand in the empty room, clutch the posts of the bed and wail into the silence.
much, much later. too late to sadden the little ones flight.

thanks giving

after weeks of planning and looking forward to and all that jazz - our lady starfest was finally here
i went to pick her up with vague fears of "what if its really awkward"
while me & kams waited we watched everyone female who got off the plane and wondered if it could be her!
but it was cool ... we started yapping from moment one with no silentfirstmoment at all!

the trip wasnt as eventful as could have been hoped for bcz I still cant drive to save my life
but we did get soaked up in the spirits quite a bit ;)
but it was wonderful wonderful to finally meet somone u have spoken to and communicated with and felt close to for so long without really knowing them in person! and after my long stint here with not many close friends around it was amazing to have another person in the house!

other than that thanksgiving was quaint and (ful)filling with a massive lunch at a friend/client's house
best part of which for me was that I got within petting distance of a dog after months!

i felt a little bad as star left - and the house seemed so quiet after I got back from the airport!
but almost immediately I hit the sack and was lost deep in sleep.

it was great meeting star! now I really hope I get to meet Di before I leave :)