yesterday I got a team tshirt from a old project Id worked on once.
pretty exciting, only that its xl :)

most of my friends in dubai were at the tull / chaurasia concert
and I got calls from them making me listen on the phone (!) ... OMG I wish I was there!

ive never been away from my mommy for so long before ... when I was in UK she came over 3 times and papa came 3 times too ... so that was 6 visits. and I went over to dubai once.

last night I saw a really shitty movie but it had a lot of mom-ish senti and I went wa-wa-waaa. missed my mommy.

last night at 11 the whole place was full of fog. went for a drive. just nearby. it was awesome. like driving in the clouds.
I woke up this morning and I was happy ...
There are somethings which just switch me on the to happiness ...
Talking to some people
A certain way"" the sky is ...
wetness in the air ...
Looking in the mirror :)
Compliments
helping someone succesfully (v imp for a klutz)
getting something right at work
compliments
talking to someone i like ...
I could go one and on
i think Im definitely the stupidest person I know

gods of clay

its a great thing to have faith in your fellow humans
Im sorry to say, I dont ...
I expect the filthiest dirt from everyone - bcz thats what I have always seen
but still, every once in a while
someone will slip through my gaurd and evaluation gates
and then I take them to the other extreme ...
these people are like gods, like parents, like friends ... whats the difference - at the end of the day.
they can shout at you, be rude to you, beat you up - but they always have ur interests at heart
when one of these people turn the knife ... it hurts like bloody hell ... e tu!

anyway ...
i spoke to rajesh today - after ages.
this is a guy I was once in love with ... in class 3 :)
i soon got over that, but we've great friends since then though both of us are a little sporadic in our attentions
its nice talking to someone who you've known since way back when

and I spoke to anu after ages
this is a girl I became pally with so recently that I havent even noticed it yet :)
but I really missed her while she was gone and though she's been back a while,
we had our first big "chat" last night and it was Great!


aise hi hote hain hum banjaara.
idhar udhar, ismein usmein,
dhunde bichhre ghar ke saaye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye

jahaan thori si dhup khili ho
jahaan hawa naram bahein
pal do pal ghar wahaan hi paye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye
so this is what it feels like to be hated!
looks like whatever extremes I go to I cant wake up by 6 ... late again!
must we always sit on the fence, afraid to step either side ... vacillating between the two forever?
i saw englishman who ... quite sweet!
I had a beautiful saturday - lazy and sweet
But last night - I heard something from someone I know which shocked and disgusted me
so much that Im still feeling sick whenever I think about it
why is there so much grossness in the world
and why are we so bad at judging people
this is someone who I thought so wonderful and so clean - till ...
worst of all are the people who claim they love you
this is love? god its sick!
or maybe Im wrong. maybe this is love ...
dirty, twisted, selfish, blind, self-obsessed ... is this love?
this horrible, hateful greed. this grasping, wanting, hunger for possession ... is this love?

anyway ... like they say, life nehi hain laddu, beta!

i got a whole load of movies today - bhoot (my ajay :), "haan maine bhi pyaar kiya" & "the english man who went up a hill". I woke up late. stayed on in bed reading "the little lord fauntleroy". drove to the gasstation and vacuumed my car clean. vacuumed the house. cleaned the loo. listened to the rain. window shopped at best buy. lunched on raajma and dined on spagetti. and drove all the way to sleepytown. what beatuful day. what a beautiful life. how sweet it is to be alive and free.

dementia returns

when I look back on my life
sometimes I wonder how I survived so far ... and remained sane!
sane ... what sane! who sane! how sane ... r u insane!!!
ab bas bahut ho gaya ... come back for a bit now lady luck ... pretty pls
what am I gonna do? life is so ... stuck!
everybody needs some body to love
everybody wants some body to love
u better find some body to love
but its hard to find some body to love ...

life is so confusing ... whats real whats not ... whats dirty whats fun ... whats achievement - whats just a gamescore
im so ... atka ... Im not getting anywhere - ive become so old ... how long will I go one like this! I realised with a shock that day ... its been 6 years now - and I havent even started! Im not even moving! SIX F YEARS! i gotto rush. i gotto make things happen. somehow. anyhow. dunno ... "kya kya na socha tha maine ... kya kya na sapne sajaaye ..." kuchh nehi ho raha hai! arre ho ga ho ga bachhi ... be patient - one step at a time ... like baba says - life is a long distance race - he who lasts the longest wins ... gotto hang on in there ... khaali sapne dekhne se koi aaj tak bara aadmi nehi bana ... kaam karo ... mehnat karo ... himmat karo ... papaar belo ... ;)

i wanna learn how to play the violin.
i wanna bungee jump
i wanna go to germany
i wanna buy a house
i wanna have a lab(rador)
i wanna learn how to cook (properly)
i wanna go somewhere alone - for a holiday

and many more things too real & personal for the blog ...
unformed / unshaped / blind desires which Im still trying to shape and lead
u just have this vague feeling that ur headed for somewhere bigtime
but u dont know where or how ur gonna get there ...

chameli

I saw Chameli
Got hold of the DVD out of sheer luck
Ek dum naya ... bole toh ;)
Iit was pretty nice
I liked it ...

Im disgusted so many people around though
such foolishness ...
such meanness ...
Just waiting for the mega-tamasha to get over to go into hibernation
like the mole ... theres only so much of company I can take
people have such a knack for being dissapointing
but then thats only when you xpect stuff from them ...
if you treat it all like a variety entertainment show its fun to watch
yeah - Im in a mean and bitchy mood!

and I saw Munna bhai MBBS too ... it was great time pass value ... actually I saw only the first half & I walked out after that. And on Sunday I saw "along came polly"

what is love

what is love ...
does anyone know?
i dont, i guess I never will.

is love feeling the wonderful coolth and sweetly fragrant colors of a wild evening breeze?
and letting it glide through your fingers without ur fingers once shaking a little inane urge to grasp it?
is love seeing a mountain flower without wanting to touch it ... or better still, wanting and still not touching it ...

is love pouring out ur whole soul into one moment of love,
where u feel like ur whole existence quivers & reverbates in resonance?
knowing that the one in who's arms u are melting ur life and soul
will walk out and go on to someone else in the next hour?
smiling at a smile, laughing at a laugh and running restless to soothe the smallest fear ...

or is love when you want to shout till the whole world is drowned out to cinders
and washed away in the flood in second hand pain?
or is love when you want to kill everything that lived bcz the ur love is dying
or is love when u want to burn down whole villages - because the one you loved smiled like that ...
at someone elses charms ...

is love the flame - burning with rage
or is love the lake - calm and silent. smiling. all knowing
or is love the wind. never holding on ...

"Because if love means forever, expecting nothing returned
Then I hope I'll be given another whole lifetime to learn "

walking on air

have you ever dreamed of walking through a sea
thats what the sky looked like today
a vast swirling white sea of mist
and I found myself time and again
drawn to the vast wide walls of glass
and stepping through and walking out into it
I wanna walking on air, again. i wanna fly on a voice, again.
i wanna melt of the window and drip and dissolve
into the big living throbbing mass cerrulean and white, again

Im listening to ...

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I’d rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do
I’m only just beginning
To see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides


Romance and all it’s strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I’m just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

At times I’d like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I’d like to break through
And hold you endlessly
At times I understand you
And I know how hard you try
I watched while love commands you
And I’ve watched love pass you by
At times I think we’re drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again
sometimes when we touch, Rod-Stewart
"Perchance a moonbeam waltzed this way, not so long ago"

Im bored. Its 11:53
and my eyes are tired looking out for moonbeams
that are dimmed out of vision by the bright glare of everyday :)

theres a strange feeling of restlessness
waiting for the inevitable

if uve stared at the gun long enough it hypnotises you
and u walk into the bullet in rapture ... like the thornbirds
"to die, would be an awfully big adventure"

i saw the faeri dance in peter pan - and left a part of me behind in that moment
it was enchanting. i want to see the movie again. and again. and again ...
the faeri dance reminded me of train journeys as a child - looking out of the window
and all teh land and the sky dissolved in one mysterious dark void
with little twinkling lights above and below ... faeri-dance ...
why do I run and tell u whenever something good happens
why do i not tell people "news" till after Ive had a chance to tell u
why do i get mad at u so often
why do think about u at times and smile to myself ...

hello stranger! get out of my brain

My Sunday Feeling

my sunday feeling is coming on over me,
now that the night is over.
got to clear my head so i can see.
till i get to put together, that old feeling won't let me be.

won't somebody tell me where i laid my head last night?
i really don't remember,
but with one more cigarette i think i might.
till i get to put together, well that old feeling can't get me right.

need some assistance, have you listened to what i've said?
oh, i don't feel so good.
need someone to help me to my bed
till i get to put together, that old feeling is in my head

My Sunday Feeling, by Jethro Tull

Its a beautiful golden honey spice day
Woke up late and was on the phone with all the nicest people all day
Made (awesome) spagetti last night
Had spagetti & wine & watched "truth about cats and dogs" ... home alone never got better than this

I finally saw the whole of peter pan
it was always one of my favourite stories and i knew most of the dialogues by heart
so it must have been a pain to watch it with me
but jeremy sumpter & rachel hurd-wood were brilliant!
they are both so young (14 and 13 respectively) and they were so good!
it was enchanting!

for star

the First friend I made on the blog
suddenly i hardly talk to her any more
her preferred medium of contact is the mail at work
policies at work dont let me do that too much anymore
my preferred medium of contact is the phone and after 9 CST
star stays at home and i dont think its cool for her to be on the phone that late
i miss her and her unique style :)
i also miss her acid comments and the laughing
and the roses on my blog
aah well ... as the wise one (that me, ofcourse) always says life nehi hai laddoo
but Im writing this post for her bcz she used to get so irritated with the way
I fought with my hair to imprison it when I went to work ...
i left it down today!
not that theres much of it ... but it was fun!!! :))

i wanna be ...

on the terrace
in the rain
and I wanna blast

I was a midnight rider on a cloud of smoke
I could make a woman hang on every single stroke
I was an iron man I had a master plan
But I was alone

I could hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind
I remember how your body started trembling
Oh what a night it's been, and for the state I'm in
I'm still alone

And all the wonders made for the earth
And all the hearts in all creation
Somehow I always end up alone

Always end up alone, always end up alone
So I'll play, I'll wait
'Cause you know that love takes time

Living love betwen the line
We came (sha la) so close (so far)
Just the beat of a lonely heart
And it's mi-i-ine, and I don't wanna be alone

Well, since I got no message on your answer phone
Since you're busy every minute I just stay at home
I make believe you care, I feel you everywhere
But I'm still alone

I'm on a wheel of fortune with a twist of fate
'Cause I know it isn't heaven is it love or hate
Am I the subject of the pain
Am I the stranger in the rain I am alone

And is there glory there to behold
Maybe it's my imagination another story there to be told
So I play sha la, I'll wait sha la
And I pray it's not too late
We came sha la so far so far
Just a beat of a lonely heart and it's mi-i-ine
And I don't wanna be alone

Gone but not out of sight
I'm caught in the rain and there's no one home
I don't wanna be alone face the heat of the the night
The one that you love's got a heart that's made of stone
You search for the light
And sooner or later you'll be cruising on your ocean
And clean out of sight I'm caught in the rain
And there's no one home"
alone, bee gees

the legend of the thornbirds

"There is a legand about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to outcarol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain.... Or so says the legend." The Thornbirds

Im up at 3am reading my own webpages! what can be madder!
but I couldnt sleep - and charecteristically - I found I really liked my own page.
I say charecteristically - bcz I guess I like "me" too :)

Ive recently been asking people ... name 5 things you like best about yourself
I find that almost everyone finds it as hard to answer as I do myself

random notes

I miss - the sun in dubai
the shed behind the house in the veg garden
leo, tupi, bonzo
ma baba mummy munal jinx and sponge cake
i need to talk to someone ... but none of the people who I can talk to about this one forbidden topic are around / accessible and its Killing me
i need jinx - right here - right now
i miss the house ... kolkata / HP ... the roof / my room / the sunflowers / the floor the smell / the feel
i miss my books
but if I go back right now Ill die :)
i miss someone I left behind somewhere along the way - a one particular me ...
the sky, from here, looks like a field of cotton
i want to lose weight so bad
theres something missing ...
i want chocolate cake
i feel like riding a cycle
i need to quit before it kills me
im wearing makeup after months / weeks
im bored
ive no work right now
i wanna have a baby
i wish my hair would grow some
i wanna go to corpus! correction - i wanna drive to corpus
it would be nice to have "someone" ... :D but its not worth the trouble ;)
i dreamt of the omayad hotel in damascus where I stayed so looooooooong ago!!!
i dreamt of turkey too - same dream - we were in that horrible museum - baba left his car keys in the car - we were trying to take it out with the hangar ...
strange! its been so long since these things happened - I was a baby
i didnt even know I remembered - and they are such little insignificant incidents!
i like rahul bose :)
i dont know what I said but i remember saying something ... weird - but cute - and nice ...
like a snap of someone u once liked - or a good time u once had - tuckked away in an inside pocket of ur coat - pulled out and looked at once in a while - a heart smile
you have the warmest voice - its like a warm blanket

since I last blogged Ive

driven to austin (200 miles - ish)
driven at 90
laughed with ma and baba on the phone over a dumb dirty joke
stayed up till 5 am reading an old journal I kept in school
turned down a offer to visit germany
chatted with my sis at 4am about her new jim morrison books
fought with someone i love and patched up again
given up on a part of me and left it behind
laughed at a old me
made and broke a age old resolution for the 56th time in my life ... gawd I need to quit soooooooooooooooooooo bad

its a new year

season of introspection and retrospect
ive been actually off the blog for sometime
and virtually off it for way longer
what I mean, is that the blog
had become like one of those friends I care about and keep in touch with
but talk to in auto pilot mode
more for the sake of keeping in touch and making sure they are doing ok
than out of any desire for or any intention of self revelation
internal turmoils are kept locked in the upstairs bedroom during those times
like unpredicatable dogs when guests are at home
sometimes their barks and whines filter through, though muffled
and some guests see and recognise and are perhaps perturbed and uncomfortable
but I am helpless - I have lost the key ...

anyhow, I digress
I have been doing a lot of driving and a lot of thinking
that I can try to control and suppress my typical scorpio way of
"u r mine body mind and soul or I dont want anything at all"
but I have not yet accomplished the art of casual friendships
here again gone again - come here go away people
are best handled with care from a distance

i need to learn that it doesnt matter
u dont have to win everything u attempt
u can let somethings go
jinx once said that u must let people love u in their own way - it stayed with me
and I want to try and understand that too
i miss him so much. so fucking much
him and munal

I have learned that I may have thought that I have tamed and disciplined myself
to fit in and to be conventional and propah and subdued
but theres still a long way to go in achieving it
and moreover I dont even know if its so much worth it, anymore
it doesnt matter if 15 people think ur a bitch-past-compare if 2 know ur not
or better still that u are but it doesnt matter
i dont know what Im really saying - I got muddled up
but I want to understand myself a bit more
right now - I dont have a clue

another thing I realised
I dont have a single friend anymore ... not in that way ... not in the old way ... without buts without conditions -
just "this is who I am and fuck you if you cant undertand it" as the memorable (?) line from almost famous went

Im moving the blog back to where it originally used to be ... and with it I will try to move it back to the way it used to be and forget that anyone actually reads it :)