mist

missing steppenwolf (for mad men only) and aurangzeb at his father's bier (murdered voices beckon me?). and one scene from 4 weddings. After all these years, it still feels strange to be away from home just for this
not to be able to look up my books and movies when the itch strikes ;)
so maybe, this is what i miss ...



only madcap could help now
only madcap could do anything

make the air all around misty and dim
to let me see you once again

ofcourse, in the morning i myself would say
there are models of how it could happen this way

but in the moonlight, the moon you loved
i can close my eyes and dream of you again

madcap could help, madcap could help
madcap could make my dead walk again

somewhere inside pandora's box
your face, your voice, your touch your love

lost in a attic full of dust
madcap could bring you out again

and you were so beautiful
you skin albaster and pink, your eyes brown and grey

your eyes that loved so sincerely
that wed the eyes in the photograph that i burnt

you said they were heartbreakingly innocent
crumbling deceptive innocence that atlast fell that day

your ankles were so thing and delicate
speckled brown, turn charcoal grey

first thing i saw when i moved the red curtain
and took you out of the pot

i crushed you in my hands, once again
and shattered and scattered you away

to the bed of your gods,
to travel like you loved

maybe if i had sold them some more of soul
maybe prawns, maybe a road, maybe cities ...

maybe if i had negotiated better
we would still be together


but the bridge between us was so long and frail
roots to branches to leaves

now fall comes and leaves die dry drift away
only branches sway, over dead roots, giving away

i have made a treaty with the winds ...
they'll count my cost, but take the flower away

they'll count our costs,
the flower safe

you never saw how pretty it was
maybe it was too far away

so now they say its the only way
there's no tomorrow after today

but madcap doesnt come when called
you stand there calling, waiting till dawn

bereft, tear-dry, maddeningly sane
if at all, this be sane!

One of my favourite Cohen songs

the park on a sunny saturday afternoon

its late on a saturday afternoon. the sun is out and there are multicoloured children and dogs everywhere. everyone is happy and playful and contented. every now and then a new kind of bird comes along and hops around, before it flies away again. overhead the trees wave filigree fans in the soft breeze. the grass is dotted with little flowers. the sun is bright and beautiful, and just right. the sky that it bears the sun is soft and blue and bright and everything is perfection. if there are clouds, they are so far, that you cant really see.

so i sit here in this beautiful corner of the park, watching the strange sunlight fall all around me. like pan the mad god, he changes and moves with every minute. the light tumbles down, on the grass, in the tree's, on the hills. its easy to feel like it will stay, like the sun itself is falling. but the sun never falls, really. nor stays in one place forever. however beautiful the place is. after a few glorious days of sunshine, its easy to fall in love with the warmth; to resentfully miss it, when it moves, yet again. the park corner gets a shade colder and darker. and a little lonelier, even with the hordes of smiling friendly people.

there's nothing to say really, when you dont want to give it away. everything general, oblique and carefully cryptically secretly profound, has been said already. keeping secrets tires me. what if we just told the truth? maybe we could if we knew it ... today, i miss you both. one who is far away and one who is so distant. i dont know what i would do with it if the distance melted, but i for now, i miss it.

the movie last night had a reference to "follow your bliss". obedient to the recalled instructions, i close my eyes and remember my last 'bliss', but resurface with a random one. it was a while ago, walking in old lanes, very near here, back warm with the sun. thinking nothing really, but nice thoughts cushioning the moment, somewhere around in the head.

this line from 'in the mood for love' stayed with me. 'we will not be like them'; and like good resident lines, it keeps coming back in different contexts. i dont want to be like them. i dont want to mourn the most glorious thing i ever felt, to complain, find faults, bargain, measure and cry over. i am happy with having found one source for all things bright and beautiful. you would be happy with what you get, if you expected nothing.

yet the irony that underlies all things makes a sharp edge to tread the walk of life on. however vaguely friendly and lukewarmly impersonally the sun shines down on you, its nice to have it within your horizon somewhere, even when it is not in your eye. when it goes away, carried by the wind, the moon, even if there is no rain, dews a slight coat of moist down on the world, which slowly over time freezes to frost. but another tomorrow, there will be another day, with the same sun, till such time that time and change dont take it away. i am glad i know that, for me, this is the final destination, the one. or so it seems for now. it feels good to be back home in edinburgh.

i used to love this song. i think it was written by dylan (not dylan thomas, whoever he was), but i'm not sure. i first heard it in 'hope floats'. this is an awful version, but the only one i found online!

fool for you

any other fool would know
i'm fool for loving you
any other fool could see
but not the fool thats me

if only we could love where loved
so much love lays wasted
why weave these long chains of fancies
each equally unrequited

This picture

can you fall in love ...

with a city, a place, a time?

time

like butterflies
words and feelings
float about
in the semi dark neon ness
uncatchable
invisible
except, for a blur

suddenly you realise
something small
has been woven into you
a fleeting feeling
that could have been but a dream
that you will never know
if you imagined
will wake you restless in the night
your heart full of fear and longing

seeing you,
could not have come better timed
and yet fear swells with anxiety
what will tomorrow bring?
what will the years unfold?
something small
has been woven into me ...
it will forever float about me
like a shroud
of a faintly undiscernible
smell
or a memory
or a flower
or a shroud
which is it to be?
what will time unfold?

thorns

when is too much too much

time decides it afresh for each of us. we choose a thorn and push ourselves into it as far as we can bear the pain ... and then pause, take a breath and push in some more ... all for the singing ... or so says the legend

Everywhere is You, You are in Everyone (misc random thoughts - school of divinity library, sanctuary)

ost - phish - silent in the morning

i trust their written word
and adore their flights of thought
but will not follow everywhere
that they roads of their reason walk
how can i not believe in you,
how can i let you go?
you're everywhere to me,
you're in everyone.
silently you talk to me.
i carry your smiles and frowns.
steadily you walk by me
i talk to you all day long

when i see your face
something inside, bursts into a song
of happiness and faith
i dont know where it comes from
i dont know why it does
its terribly hard, to hold it back
reign it in with
the leash of reason and control
how can everything be so beautiful?
even every tear ...

i have lived with you for many years now
by now you should be old
but your wonders never cease
yet i cant imagine doing without
the last time, i said goodbye
it almost broke my heart
every you, every part, is beautiful
every day, every corner, is new
each day, you still show me a new face
how can i not love you,
though you belong to me,
but someone else?

can you learn to love without desire?
can i learn love like the breeze?
can ever i stop feeling this way?
can i ever live somewhere else?
can you ever find the answers
that youre most looking for?
can you ever not find the answers
that youre most looking for?
keep listening, keep looking,
the are everywhere.

New Blog

Also been writing at Villa in Iceland, for a while now. I'm pretty kicked about it, actually :)

temptations

for a moment i was sorely tempted
i wanted to take your hand and say
just stay for a while
dont be so scared.

i wont ask for forever
a little scrap of your time
or your heart,
will last me a while

i wanted to hold on to you and cry
this time has broken.
even my stubborn heart.
i never felt like this before.

dont be scared for tomorrow.
i'll be gone before sunrise.
i'm more scarder than you are;
but stay tonight.

i need you, like i never knew
i could need before,
stay still for a moment,
or a night, or a few days.

hold me close, let me in
let me breathe your spirit in,
its so beautiful ...
ur perfection, defined.

let me warm my hands, in the light in your eyes.
i'm frozen from being outside.
stay still for a moment,
i'll be gone by daylight.

i'm not looking for forever.
just a little scrap of your time,
or your heart,
will last me a while.

i could have said all that
i would have said all that
if i only dared
if i only knew, if it wasnt just a lie

11.03.2007

gypsy boy

walking in the evening
i met a gypsy boy
he looked dreaming, happy
he looked kind of sad
so i smiled at him and he smiled back
and i asked him where he was at
this is what he said to me
as he smiled and answered back

he said, i'm standing at a point
where i have never been before
seen either side of the road
but never trappen in the middle before
and from this place and moment
i wouldnt know where to go
if this road goes nowhere
i dont know where i'll go

so i asked him if he'll come with me
come out from the cold
he shaked his head and smiled again
and he said he'd never leave

friends

funny how i never saw what you saw ...
thank god you pointed it out!
i was blinded by my most sacred alter.
or maybe even that was always self deception?

could it be for anyone so hard to learn
that your internal image of relating is essentially flawed
it's vital not to care too much. or to judge, target worth
three decades. is that too much to learn?

my little one. i have tried so hard to save you.
to hide you. to teach you. shelter you while you grow
but i need your help to make it, love.
if you keep coming out, they will keep doing this

now dont come to me with big torn eyes
dont sit before me staring at the blood that way
i had warned you, about perfect strangers
they're not like you. they're flawed in a different way.

colour purple

over my head, the waters swirl blue and black and green
jagged little pieces of logic everywhere, sinking in
none hit me, though some scraped my skin, brushing past

filtered by the water, above my head
the sun shines bright and red
blown far far away by the blast

i watch the realization in a white bubble near my head
i must move out of here, before i sink
you cold warmth, your determined undeterminism

grey and white for practicality
and a little bit of green and brown and blue
because you love the skies too.

wild purples, a indigo and swirls of red moss
the sea, deep below, the sky on a stormy night
the still of hanging stars in the night.

and in the distance, i see you.
i am trying to reach out, can you see me
hold my hand. stop me. pull me out. before its too late.

death is born in the birth
time is framed and couched in time
it never goes on, but in circles

what will you stand in the center?
what fill with each days worth?
what will i do with this life?

you were right when you said what you said
whats the point of it all, at all?
maybe time has come to run again. if nothing, there's always fresh starts

Imagine ...

If you could make a world of your own, a life of your own, what would you change, if you could change anything?

This is what I am thinking. Small house, barley beer, lots of friends, just enough on the table for everyone, barely, ends stretched and made to meet with love and smiles. Snotty nosed children, with pink faces burtsing with laughter and wonder. And you and me. Exchanging glances. Knowing that you know that i know that you know, ad infinitum, that this is what and where and when. (The way we do when we see those nice mommies and daddies)

Outside, the rain is spitting. Somehow, here it doesnt seem as bad as the spitting I always complained about in my letters from Pune and Bristol. So you laugh at me, because you always know, dont you?

The sky has bent down low to share a joke with the earth. The mountains (and I cant get over how amazed you are with the snow) stand tall and bit indifferent. Fascinatingly stoic.

for kiddo ...

it makes sense, doesnt it, that i love you so madly? i learned it in class today (EP)! partly, its genetic shared investment. then its the fact that we are alike. then its the fact that like the bee-eaters, i'm in last term, with low chances so better chances to pass the shared bit of the baton if i help you out than get distracted with endeavours of my own ;0)

yeah. i am just kidding. felt so good to talk to you. been so long. Kufree? wow! i never even knew there was such a plac.

moonshine

the colourless moon
stained blue and yellow
from hanging with the stars in a midnight sky
slowly droops, as his courage wilts

every now and then he smiles
down a shine
to charge the reflection below
so far away, floating on a uneven face of lead

no wonder it was distorted
does she really think
i look like that?
the wilting moon, tiring wonders:

i love you all
but the mountains call
if i leave today,
wouldnt you miss me at all?

i know that it would break her heart
and i know i could almost not bear to part
but at times, i get so tired
i cant wait for the tomorrow to start.

the stars will shine on
through the night
and the reflections
stand the test of time.

shadow so pure
so scared and clean
everything that he wanted to be
a better him. maybe he should just leave.

cold, leaden, unsmiling, uneven water
so far away. so changing
now giggling best friend. now cold heartless stranger
so far away. wouldnt even notice.

but from this night out
the road is long
and the path unmarked
and the end unknown.

the colourless moon
stained blue and yellow
from hanging with the stars in a midnight sky
slowly droops, as his courage wilts.

every now and then he smiles
down a shine
to charge the reflection below
so far away, she floats like lead

i love them all
but the darkness calls
if i leave today,
would'nt you miss me at all?

Near death experiences linked to sleep anomalies

Connections between out-of-body and near death experiences, and people who have unusual experiences when falling asleep or waking, have been found by Kevin Nelson and colleagues.

More @ Mind Hacks.

2 out of 3 and other old favourites

Talking of old songs, with memories, that hit you on the head sometime or the other with the amazing real life applicability of the lyrics, songs you had forgotten and then you suddenly hear somewhere, or something puts in your head, i'd give you these:

1. Meatloaf: 2 out of 3
2. Shawn Mullins - Lullaby
3. Peter Cetera - No Explanations
4. Keith Carradine - I'm Easy
5. Leonard Cohen - Suzzanne

i like lists to be 5, but: ... guess is a category by itself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rQzsqrkbrU

Another Beautiful Mind

When Eleanor Longden began hearing things, she soon found herself drugged, sectioned and labelled schizophrenic. Then a psychiatrist taught her how to talk back

Eleanor Longden, 25, started hearing voices when she was a teenager. But, contrary to the usual perception of inner voices, Longden says hers weren't destructive: "It was rather mundane, simply giving me a narration of some of the day-to-day things I was doing. In many ways, the voice was companionate because it was reminding me that I was carrying on with my responsibilities despite feeling so sad inside. There was something constructive about it."

People like Longden who admit to hearing inner voices can generally expect two outcomes: a diagnosis of insanity, and potent medication. But a group of psychiatrists and psychologists believe it's time we reconsidered labels such as schizophrenia and the drugs used as treatment. In fact, they believe we should get people to listen to, and actually engage with, the voices inside their heads.

The network has a growing professional following, Dillon says. "We get a lot of referrals from psychiatrists nowadays, although there's still a long way to go."

Talking heads

* Studies have found that between four and 10 per cent of Britons hear voices.

* Between 70 and 90 cent of people who hear voices do so following traumatic events.

* Voices can be male, female, without gender, child, adult, human or non-human.

* People may hear one voice or many. Some people report hearing hundreds, although in almost all reported cases, one dominates above the others.

* Voices can be experienced in the head, in the ears, outside the head, in some other part of the body, or in the environment.

* Voices often reflect important aspects of the hearer's emotional state - emotions that are often unexpressed by the hearer.

* The "hearing voices movement" has spread across the world. There are groups in countries as far afield as Australia, Finland, Japan and Palestine.

* Well-known voice hearers include Plato, Sigmund Freud, Beethoven, Byron, Charles Dickens, Virginia Woolf, Sylvia Plath, Isaac Newton and Winston Churchill.

More Here.

Sometimes when we touch, Dan Hill

Another old favourite. I can still remember when I first heard this song. For some reason, it's tied up with "Twisting by the Pool" and "Diamonds and Rust". I think I heard them all for the first time in School, being played either by the school
band (featuring the then love of my life) or by Dia and Anjali during the lucknow socials. I can still remember Diya's voice as she leaned towards the mike and said, (our boys had just lost to lknw - so whats new) "well, you'll always be our heros"
Oh man - how COOL had it all seemed and how grown up those bloody 17 year olds had seemed. I couldnt wait to be all grown up too ...

I think I had forgotten about it till I saw it again in Brokeback Mt.
But I love the words of the song. Its one of those rare songs which are so real and everyday truth that you can actually identify with every word. Or, well, I can :)

But it makes me think, how much of the songs, or anything else, that we love are the stuff themselves and how much is the stuff that they remind us off or make us feel like or just any other association?

spiralling down, to the hole in the ground, where i hide

when you are broken
when you are blue
when you are tired of tending
to everybodies wounds
who do you turn to?

who shepherds the shephards
who listens to the listeners
who cares for the carers
because they hurt too.
every now and then, they draw a blank too

so what would i do if i was in your shoes
so this is the way you should look at it
so this is why it will get better for you
i'm fine. dont even ask.
believe me, you don't wanna know.

what would you do if there was no god to judge you
what would you live for if you didnt believe in love
what would you do, if i dissapeared.
wouldnt you miss me at all?
so where do i go to stock up again? cz i've run out of the wares i sell

it's a blue day in sunnydale
it's a blue day in hell
it's a mad day of madness
but all will be well again
in a min or two they'll fix the walls

pop-quiz

You Are Expressionism

Moody, emotional, and even a bit angsty... you certainly know how to express your emotions. At times, you tend to lack perspective on your life, probably as a result of looking inward too much. This introspection does give you a flair for the dramatic. And it's even maybe made you cultivate some artistic talents! You have a true artist's temperament... which is a blessing and a curse.

What Art Movement Are You?

Just another lonely Day: Ben Harper

Just another lonely day, Ben Harper

This is one of my favouritest songs ever! I still remember the first time I heard it. I was looking for throw your arms around me, another favourite. As far as I know this was written by Hunters and Collectors, resung by PJ and BH. I love the words of both these songs. One of those that really do something to you ... but I also love the texture of his voice. Its one of those songs that makes me crazy. lol. if any making were needed ;)

And isnt it ironic that this youtube user has pic'd it to mona and chandler! monica and chandler have loads of pre-memories. mainly because i always hated the fact that joey and chandler break up bcz of her. damn. growing up. do we have to?)

In other notes, spring is sringing thought it doesnt seem that way from the tornado-like winds here, when I woke up and went down at 4 in the AM yesterday, I heard my first birdsong of the season :)

One of my favourite bengali songs

This used to be one of my favourite songs

there used to be a lot of crittisism for uttam kumar
and i remember many adda sessions overheard growing up ending with
one of the women saying "tomaader satyajeet roy thaale tomaadergun-er soumitra ke chhere buro boyesh e uttom kumar ke niye taana taani korte gelo keno tobe ..."
the war of the sexes. though i always thought soumitra was way "cooler" guy wise. but then i guess that was before i saw deya neya and fell in love! though personally for me ofcourse, it was always Dhritiman ...

funny that i ran into this accidentally today. in keeping with my 5th rules from the science of life ... life guides you to answers to any question in your head right now.

lake

deep in the forest,
there was a lake
noone goes there
much anyway
the water danced
and the light on the water
and the wind,
laughed merrily away

i was sitting by the lake
resting on a rock
on the shore
collecting the evening as it fell
i was waiting, for dusk to fall
i was tired, and i wanted my bed

i was sitting by the lake
with the body in my lap
i was waiting for the birds to be done
there were still many parts left
the eyes, the hands, the heart

i was sitting by the lake
when he swooped down
silent and huge and dark
i was a little afriad, when he settled down
what if he hadnt been a bird?

i was sitting by the lake
when he started to laugh
an otherworldly birdlike sound
from the sky, his bird friends flew down
and together they all laughed

birds of a feather stick together
men, with men and dreams
here by the lake
no men, no birds
nor day, nor dusk, all still



if i could speak in bird,
if i could be like him
i could fly away
and not stay here in the dark

but then, i would never know
the world of the night
the water. the worlds in it
the deep. the dark. the fathomless.

the sky sparkles
reflected in the lake
tempts. seduces. mocks,
with its brightness

do i want to stay, or do i want to go?
do i want to fly?
do i want to drown?
how do you know what you want?

how would you know if you loved someone?
so many worlds
you can pick only one to live in
so many lives. but you can have only one

but there are so many dreams you dream
and knowing all the while that you're asleep
cut cords with waking reality
is there a waking reality?

how would you ever know?
how could you not wonder?
how can you be satisfied?
how can you not be dying to know?

i was sitting by the lake
when night fell
i was cold, i was scared, i was alone
he was raven. he was dark. his breath smelt of dead flesh
but accidental, his feather brushed my face
for a moment, i was not scared

beautiful rainy sunday ...

nice rainy sunday
magic light outside
perfect to stay home
with hot chocolate and stare blankly out or watch movies with
lots of cushion and throws :D

you know about freudian slip?
my poison is music
i keep doing it. thank god, most people
dont catch on
song in my head
but sometimes my "head" tweaks the words

so here's an oldie for you ...


ps - question in my head? how do you know you love someone. heard someone asking this last night ... curious, what are your thoughts?

questions

going along, living life, you wade through masses of words, if words are your medium, and some stick in your head forever. these are some that stay stuck in my head

from the Bridges of Madision County, (isnt that ironic) "In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once."

from Gone with the Wind, "a lady can do no more"

from the beatles, "your's sincerely, wasting away"

from a key chain that a friend got each one of us in school, each had our own names and the pic of a state in 'the states' and a message (i think from that state) and mine said west virgina, wild and wonderful

from when harry met sally, "when you figure out who you want to spend the rest of your life with ..."

from hi fidelity, "its not what you are like, but what you like"

from dr. zhivago, "life. he wants to see life ..."

from my uncle, (we were spening the night talking about life, in a forrest bunglow somewhere, in some god forsaken part of bihar, "first you must know what you want"

from my dad (first time caught smoking), at the end of the day you are a person, a "me"

notting hill/song, "make them all my souvenires"

jesus christ superstar, "he's just a man"

Its a beautiful day ...

And I have nothing to say ...
Maybe the postman came (ref: queen. courtsey reader complaint)

But I just stayed away from home
So I dont know what he delivered

I dont wanna know
Arent ostrichs pretty animals?

I'm tired of the "out there" (ref: withheld)
But, what do I do. Why am I laughing? Life is such a joke

Went for a walk early this morning, and ended up here.
Came back and had a lot of work but sat there and listened to Pandora for a tiny while ... listening to wish you were here, again.

the nice thing about having B here is she makes me miss b just a little less. We almost dont talk in full sentennces anymore. and she too can cope with the jumping wildy random topics. multithreading. and the bizzarre obscure little things that worry excite sadden us ... which it would be so hard to share otherwise. we went for lunch at a little italian-ish place. awesome food. expensive, by my meagre standards. but the best part was the talkathon.

my life ...

http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php

Genetic Link to Schizophrenia

According to the National Institute for Mental Health, an estimated 51 million people worldwide suffer from schizophrenia. Although 80 percent of schizophrenia cases appear to be inherited, the specific genetic components underlying individuals' susceptibility and pathology are largely unknown. Gene mutations governing a key brain enzyme make people susceptible to schizophrenia and may be targeted in future treatments for the psychiatric illness, according to MIT and Japanese researchers. More at the Villa

madcap returns

i'm so happy i could die
madcap is back, for a while ...

everytime you do that thing you do,
i want to stop the clock.

and stay here for eternity
in this sweet uncertainity.

where every little clue,
is loaded with fertility.

what is wrong with me?
i never dreamt so optimitically

time never danced around like this,
the world never diminished.

the hands on the clock
and my heart,

hold hands
and stop still

this like the dream
or a prelude

could life be so happy?
its bizzare! i never thought ...

other people act like this!
childish rush of wind and song

me, the sane and sensible!
atleast, in matters of this sort ...

where is my bitter, pessimistic heart?
should i tell myself, it will pass, or wait for the day to start ...

All That Jazz

After having begged several experts to educate me and having consistently been put off for later and forgotten, I have started a tentative exploration solo. Or, this is the first half decent song Pandora played me all morning: This is Easy Living and I've got a crush on you. I heard them sung by Dinah Washington, and Ella Fitzgerald, respectively. But I could find only these versions on youT.

underwater

as you stare up above you
the water, swelling, is a deep deep blue

the sky, somewhere, you cant see
melts down through the blue glass lazily

underwater sun, day has begun
hazy, lazy, faded, drunk

purple clouds, drown one by one
sink to the bottom, and crush you down

flowers red. sparks from the stars
falling, extinguished. come floating down

like a feather trying to play
with a busy morning breeze

all of life, underwater freeze
all of the world, underwater seas

twirl. madness. cerullean
thrills. laughter. rolling down your face

The neo cortex, man's peacock feathers?

Darwin introduced Natural Selection in 1859 book, "On the Origin of Species". In this book there was a very small reference to Sexual Selection, which was to later become an overriding concern driving his future work. His next book, "The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex", 1871, addressed sexual selection more directly.

According to Natural Selection, species change to adapt to the environment and the traits that are the fittest for the environment survive and are passed on in time. Thus, Natural Selection cannot explain traits like (Darwins favourite) peacock feathers having survived, or indeed evolved. What is the survivalistic advantage of a brightly coloured plume that draws the attraction of all your natural predators when in action?

Sexual Selection fills this gap by saying that the females of the species select the males they will mate with. Due to the differential parental investment quotient, females are far fussier. Thus, the male of the species will often evolve a trait whose whole purpose is to impress the female, and which has no direct environmental survivalistic rationale. Like the peacock feather. It impresses the female with the quality of this male's genes and good health, because it is something he cannot fake.

The neo cortex was developed relatively recently in evolution. Before that the old brain handled almost all our survival needs. The neo cortex is responsible for consciousness, poetry, art, executive control, social behaviour, languages.

These are not skills a primate that has just come down from the trees needs to survive. Besides, nature always devises the most economical solutions to the most pressing survival challenges thrown by a changing environment. So why develop such a massive huge brain, the bulk of which is the neocortex, and the bulk of which most people dont use or need?

In humans the neo cortex contributes to the bulk of the huge brain size difference with its predecessors. The "swollen head" solution has huge implications on how the primate will now develop, and thereby how the adult will live to enable that development. The head has grown bigger than the pelvis can accomodate, so the infant is now born with only a small fraction of the brain development he is going to have as an adult. Most of the brain growing happens in the early years of a child. As a consequence, while any other animal is reasonably self sufficient from birth, horses can just get up and run with the herd, the human baby has to be nurtured for years while this massive and largely unnecessary brain grows and is programmed, by the parents. Thus it needs the mother to stay by its side through this period, dedicated to training and protecting it. It needs a completely different (male in resifence) family/social structure to protect this mother child set up while the mother is preoccupied with the baby, it needs the male to be able to go get food and come back and share it with his mate, over a prolonged period of time, thus requiring emotions and love to develop, it needs a herd in residence to protect the females and children while the males are out hunting (we started eating meat around now, so the men have to go hunt afar) and thuse giving rise to society, moral, group feelings.

It changes everything ...

Why do we have this neo cortex? What do we do with it? We write poems and make pictures and invent things, which impresses the women of our genetic quality and resourfulness (yes and we amass resources - get rich).

The famous Phineas Gage, on whom the book "An Odd Kind of Fame", by Malcolm Macmillan, was based, survived for 15 years after losing a huge part of hs cortex, when a meter long tamping iron with a diameter of 1.25 inches (3.2 cm) weighing thirteen and about six kilos entered his skull below his left cheek bone and exited after passing through the anterior frontal cortex and white matter. He suffered "some" changes in emotional and social processing, but he was alive. for fifteen years.

Infact, Egas Moniz, received the Nobel Prize for starting the frontal lobotomy, in which this part of the brain is removed or destroyed. Later, Walter Freeman imported the operation to america and popularised it there.

Also read:

Moniz develops lobotomy for mental illness

Relatives of Lobotomy Patients Want Nobel Prize Revoked

Article on sexual selection by Paul R Ehrlich, David S Dobkin and Darryl Wheye

Co-evolution of neocortex size, group size and language in humans by RIM Dunbar

Neocortex size and social network size in primates, paper by H Kudo and RIM Dunbar

The Piraha People at Wikipedia

The Blue Brain project.

Awareness: schizophrenia

Awareness writes about Schizophrenia, and tells us about how "During a psychotic episode, the world as we know it disappears. What is tangibly real morphs into a disconnected tangle of interfering voices, distorted mixed messages and acted upon delusions which all seem believably real to the individual struggling with schizophrenia". More at Awareness: schizophrenia

Schizophrenia and Developing Nations

The healing power of strong social ties for scizophrenia patients. Read the article at Cornell Info 2004 here and the Washington Post article here.

Schizophrenia and Sainthood

It seems that schizoid tendencies are revered in Christianity. You couldn’t be a Saint unless you demonstrate what are now known to be several symptoms of Schizophrenia. Full article here at
Dangerous Intersections.

Arthur Conan Doyle and Kenneth Grahame. Schizophrenics?

http://heritage.scotsman.com/news.cfm?id=262782007

http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/159/6/1068

What Next?

madcap files

his coming home. is it a sign?
he's the one that madcap freed
if i could meet him, ask him how
maybe i'd know madcap, i little more

http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1931111,0008.htm

neuropsychology, cognition, evolution and love

I know it's explainable by science, and the rest is all rubbish. I learn that in so many papers I read, lectures and talks I sit in. Still, it's such sweet rubbish. I used to think liking someone who doesnt like you back is just pure torture, but it's such sweet torture. I used to think it's just a waste of time, but it's such an lovely waste. It's stupid that a dead-end lane can be so enchanting, isnt it? Isnt it amazing that the fact you know something wont go anywhere, and you would'nt, or could'nt let it, even if it wanted to; that you know it will pass, in time, does in fact make no difference to the rush off blood that sings in your head, each time. It's still sweet torture when eyes meet. keep calm. look calm. smile. casual. easy does it. Dont let on ... Hey! You gotto hide your love away. Its illogical that just a few minutes can last so many hours. That days of reasoning with yourself, learning and teaching control and practising restraint and caution, can be gone with the wind in seconds. But then, it is a windy city ;)

All around me everyone is talking about it. Everyone is falling in or out of love, or rocking boats. Everyone has thrills or tears to share. God! Am I surrounded by love birds. Looking at them, sometimes, I feel tempted by the sweetness of the madness, but sometimes, I think maybe its better off calm.

something, by the Beatles, on youtube

Happy Valentines Day

Today, I just fell in love with this song. It's from Pure Instinct, 1996. Nothing brilliant about it and not really in their regular spirit, but I fell in love with the song all the same.

On a different note, check this out, I loved it! http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=823

you and i, by the scorpions, from the Pure Instincts album, on youtube

I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm not a child anymore, life has opened the door
to a new exciting life

I lose control when I'm close to you babe
I lose control don't look at me like this
there's something in your eyes, is this love at first sight
like a flower that grows, life just wants you to know
all the secrets of life

It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart

You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day

I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm so curious for more just like never before
in my innocent life

It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart

You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day

Time stands still
when days of innocence are falling for the night
I love you girl I always will
I swear I'm there for you till the day I'll die

ashes of roses

roses smell of birthdays and funerals
it depends on where they grew

heavy, heady, heart breaking
beautiful, breathtaking, bold

one rose, and a smile, is light and sweet
twelve, like frozen dreams, defrosted rotten

brown clotted blood leaves
and black veins of dried tears

embarressment, shame, confusion
trying to figure out in your head

frozen, numb, delusions
hallucinations, of a brighter day

when things you dream of come true
sometimes, they only dissapoint

you want not what you want
but how and from whom

we want not what we want
but we want it how and from who

as time sternly pulls apart
all that you want, and all that wants you

you, torn, inbetween
just freeze in helpless wonder

there's a threshold of pain, propped with numb patience
above which, he said, pain heals itself

the pain from known wounds is bitter sweet
strange wounds hurt fresh and sharp

pink

i want a day
pretty pink
dressed up in ribbons and rainbows
blue skies, one cloud
white, fluffy, friendly
green grass
rolling hills
majestic mountains
taller, bigger, older
brave

i want a day
to run away
from troubles, worries
free from dreams,
and nightmares

those who might love you
those you might love
not want to
uncertainities
effort
treading carefully
avoiding toes
to step on

i want a day
away
faraway from everyone
this world
escape to another
better one
clean air
innocent

innocent, clean faces
smutty noses
dirt smeared faces
clean hearts
a little high
on life
on the mountain air
barley beer

bamboo groves
still
silent
eternal
mossy bridges
cool
soft
rustling falls
deep
washed
smooth rocks
bizzare shapes

passion flowers
red, purple
just a touch
for depth

one tiny hand, held up in mine
my shadow
an echo, of my voice in time
stronger, more beautiful
a better me
beside me
to inspire
give hope
care for
listen to
live for

rustling, giggling little voice
tumbles on heedless
are you listening?
didi, look a donkey trail
a shephard
stars
wow! awesome ...

childlike wonder
out there now
far away
on the timeless shores of the ocean
with him who's shadow i am
looping patterns in time
families
mad mixes
of mad genes
one link in the chain
me
taken out
far away
wish i was there with you
arguing out
stupid little things

i want a day
on the hills
alone
because my heart is lonely
clean, fresh winds
with a hint of wet
rushing against a tired face
drying the rain
a want a day
far away

Underwater Worlds

The days are still dark and cold here. For the first time since the course started, I find myself, in a way, friendless. Most of the times I am too much in a rush to care, but sometimes I miss having friends, if not around, existing. Anyway, it cant be a bad thing. I really need to get work done. I'm sure I will make some soon enough. Friends is a bad word in this context. Thats not really what I mean. Don't know though what the right word is, so I will leave it. An old friend (in both senses of the word) used to say that we are natures 'leanee'. So what we miss most often is someone with whom we can be the leaners for a change. Sometimes I feel that my friends, universally, love me only when they are in an emotional crisis. Which is actually fine with me, for most people, thats what I would prefer, anyway. Dont waste my time if you're fine. If you have a problem and need to talk, I'm there. Is it mean? I dont know. But sometimes, and with some people, its different. Oh, I'm Rambling ...

I was very worried when I started off on this. Burnt my bridges and leaped off into the dark. My first gamble. I wondered if it was worth it, constantly. My family and some friends still cant get why I would reject oxford to do a vague course i dont even know much about. Last few weeks have been so hard, struggling so hard just to keep abreast, that I too, wondered if I must not have been a bit mad. But this morning, browsing, checking bloglines, every article of interest to me was somehow related to something i had done in some class, or something i had a vagueish idea about what they were going on about ... I am sure I didnt express that just the way I meant it ... but, that really made me feel, in a funny way, that I had, infact, done the right thing. The right thing for me.

I am dying to go somewhere. I've never travelled alone just for fun though. Feels weird to do it now. Desperately want to get away, though. Anywhere. Even if its just for a day.

I am inspired by Barbie's taking one year off to travel. Would I ever do it? Suddenly, as for the first time I feel like I might have a vague idea of the direction I really want to go in, and life seems, if not on, then a little closer to the track, the hurry to "get god knows where", prove something, be someone seems to calm and for the first time, I think, like "one of them", I could also imagine atleast, taking a year off to do nothing.

Baba and Barbie are in Andaman. Snorkelling. Walking through the old prison walls. Him telling stories of yesterday the way only he could, and today, and everything. Him being himself. She will probably at some point say "didi said ..." and give away some half baked funda i used sometime to impress her, watch her gape, lol, and he will probably tell her its all crap. Damn. I wanted them to do this now. I knew I would never go to Andaman. Or Somnath. Did'nt know they would throw in Kerala though. I have always longed and longed and longed to go to Kerala. Someday. Strangers become friends as we drift. That is the part of journeying with family that I miss most. I, open to those I love, become ultra social in the company of any one person I care about. Alone, I usually become the solitary brooding scorpion.

Is it a wonder, Meet Joe Black, on my mind? But then, let his eyes light up. Thats enough.

That which makes us clever, make us mad

Many psychiatric conditions with a neurological basis have been linked to changes in the brain affecting Dopamine based communication. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, or chemical that transmits signals between nerve cells. It appears to function as an inhibitor. DARPP-32 is a protein thats essential for dopamine-mediated neuronal communication. The gene that encodes DARPP-32 exhibits genetic variation. A variant which increases expression of the mRNA encoding DARPP-32 in the brain was linked to increased performance in a number of cognitive tests, including IQ and memory tests. It was also associated with changes in the structure and function of part of the brain known as the neostriatum, as well as changes in the ability of the neostriatum to communicate with the frontal lobe. This variant was suspected to increase risk of schizophrenia. More at the Science Daily, The Australian and
The Times Online.

When Harry met Sally

Saw it again after a long time. Like some people, I never really 'get' that movie. I dont know why I keep going back to it. Everytime I do, I think I got it, and then it changes again :)

I like the movie, till the point that they decide to get together. I find that really weird. Just like doctors. How can you suddenly switch status with a friend? a best friend! Does that mean you never were really friends all along?

But philosophy aside, I love the sense of humour and I do love their friendship. Its sweet the way they talk to eachother every night. Its comforting how they are so comfortable with eachother inspite of being so different. I love the funny moments. I like the sweet bits too. Corny, but sweet ... "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

And I love the whole soundtrack, but "it had to be you" is my favourite. Ever since Rahul first played it to me, driving to austin, while telling me his story. There are 3 songs that froze with some memories of that wonderful weekend, and this was one of them.









and while we are on the topic, this used to be my favourite christmas song:

Creativity and Schizotypy

A possible cause for the endurance and continued growth of Schizophrenia in spite of it being a genetically based disease.
(My upcoming paper)

Although diseases like Schizophrenia can be a hugely debilitating mental disorder, which has been proved to have a genetic basis, it has been present in the human race for a long time and instead of slowly dying out, as would be expected of a disease with a genetic basis, it is still believed to be growing at a remarkably fast rate, currently affecting roughly 1% of the worlds population.

'Schizotypy' is an embryonic form of Schizophrenia, in which the affected person possesses some of the symptoms of the Schizophrenic Spectrum, like a tendency to non conformity and unusual experiences, they do not display certain other traits like introversion, affective disorders, an inability to find pleasure in everyday situations, or avolition. As a result of this they lead fairly normal lives, although they share some mental tendencies with Schizophrenic personalities. Recent studies by have found that these individuals have a tendency to greater creativity, which in turn has been shown to lead to greater mating success. This would explain why we continue to have Schizophrenia in society, because a milder variant, which could then occur amongst close relatives of affected individuals, will lead to greater mating success.

Other articles:

Schizotypy, creativity and mating success in humans - Daniel Nettle, Helen Clegg (Full article, PDF)

The creative process: A phenomenological and psychometric investigation of artistic creativity - Christopher Barnaby Nelson (Full article PDF)

Creativity and mental illness: Prevalence rates in writers and their first degree relatives - Nancy C Andreasen (Full article PDF)

Natural selection and schizophrenia - Roger J Sullivan, John S Allen (Abstract)


Pic: Syd Barrett

works done. deadlines over. now i'm bored ...

Randomly surfing you tube came across this. Its the cutest and funniest Hindi movie I have seen sinc Bluffmaster! I love it!



and reading old posts from this blog before i moved out and moved back in. all the way back, from when i was in texas! Here's one: where does this road lead

And I loved this on rimi's blog!

Which Positive Quality Are You? Your Result: Charity You are Charity. The spirit of giving has been promoted by every religion. Charity is kindness. It is compassion for our fellow man. Charity doesn't ask anything in return, and in this way it serves as the opposite of greed. "Be charitable with many."
Love
Friendship
Courage
Peace
Faith
Which Positive Quality Are You?

What color are you? Your Result: Pink   You are pink! You are girly and though you may not like to show it, it shines through all the same. If you are a guy then...well, you're gay. You are a happy person who likes to make others happy. Smiling is your favorite thing to do.
White
Yellow
Purple
Green
Blue
Red
Black
What color are you? Take More Quizzes

what Kinda Guy Is YOUR type? Your Result: Cocky Guy a guy that could care less what you think or care less about your feelings. One that would rather hang with the guys and treat you like your second best. hes there but only when he wants to mess around or get laid. So if this is your type.....good luck....
Punk/Goth
Pretty Boys
Kick/Country Boy
what Kinda Guy Is YOUR type? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

I feel like going somewhere - very much
just random'ly
the way we would when we were kids
or rather parents would and we'd tag along
people would have come for dinner
and they'd be sitting and chatting over dessert
and suddenly get up and decide to drive off somewhere for the weekend
most of the times, i enjoy the sanity and peace of the being
the boring and straitlaced person i am
but once in a while i miss the madness of my childhood
growing up with my mad gypsy parents