one blissfully empty day, sandwiched between two nights of fun and friends. being happy leaves a intractable bitter after taste of guilt. am i not supposed to be in mourning still? i forgot, for a while. and then, little things remind me of you again. and its all i can do not to break.
those immature drawings you saved, and even put up on the wall, furiously crayon coloured bright blue skies and smiling suns. now all the suns have gone out. and i had thought it would be such a bracing feeling to be all alone in the world, like a brisk walk on a chilly day with fresh winds in your face.
this day brings you back so much more than anyother. you were always so happy on my birthday. not that she wasnt, but only when the mood took her, I guess. I think about all the times I let you down for her, that I missed her, loved her. Guilt is the most potent poison.
nobody saves my drawings now. like nobody waits for me to come home, anymore. maybe if i hadnt kept you waiting so long, you would have stayed.
its days like this that you want to sit and listen to "crying", dont you. i love you even more, than i ever did before. but darling, what can i do.its so final. there's no reaching you, no negotiating, no bargaining, like I always did. So strange to think, I cant make you change your mind even by turturing myself, or atleast it hasnt worked yet.
Originally Posted at Prerona.