what would be the best way to kill myself right now, if i had to?
ps - no ceiling fans here and i dont like sky diving.
Tagged: by Austere
3 Things that scare me:
a. walking into office. i am always thinking, what if i did something horrible and they just discovered it, bullies, new people, the middle class morality/closed minds that dont even know it, having to defend, argue something i believe in ... list is endless ... all confrontation based social fears.
b. (other) acquisitional people and soul-collectors.
c. being made a fool off, fear, pain and sometimes the dark.
3 People who make me laugh:
a. jerome k jerome.
b. oscar wilde.
c. georgette heyer.
3 Things I love:
a. stories
b. sleeping
c. eating
3 Things I hate:
a. me getting mad and flying out of control
b. me slacking when i shouldnt
c. losing / spoiling something because i was careless
3 Things I don’t understand:
a. statistics
b. people's sense of humour
c. shopping. fashion. roads. time management. how to be friendly. social skills.
3 Things on my desk:
a. peanuts (spicy) (Lidl)
b. coffee - strong black sweet cold - incessant (hah hah hah - yes)
c. photographs (barbie, jinx, ma, ACM, right now)
ps - also 2 boxes of smarties, 1 thanks for being my friend card, 1 bottle of water, cell phone, india kings, cohen cd, ghalib cd, black eyed peas (?!?) cd, ipod, cheese balls, ink bottles, and a fountain pen i am fixing. and a manual for someone's toaster dvd player thats not working.
3 Things I’m doing right now:
a. Trying to nail IRR paper - which is due day after - with little or no success
b. Worrying about next general direction of life
c. Wondering why there dont seem to be any suitable, single, straight 30+ male humans out there. yes suitable is the key word.
3 Things I want to do before I die:
figure out some stuff (whats common and whats not between schizophrenia and autism)
pass my course
write my IRR paper
(yes - i am a little problematically singe minded at times)
3 Things I can do:
a. sleep or not for 3 days at a stretch (just did both in last week)
b. write
c. play golf
3 Things I can’t do:
a. multi task
b. shop
c. make polite conversation with people i have no interest in (but i can fake it really well, actually)
3 Things you should listen to:
hemanta kumar
bach
led zeppelin
3 Things you should never listen to:
rap
remixed bollywood
psy
3 Things I’d like to learn:
a) control my temper
b) to make perfect biryani / cook like my mom
c) play the piano perfectly
3 Favorite foods:
Steak (rare - pepper and anything sauce. with broccoli and carrots and beans)
Boiled bhindi with salt and mustard oil (yes, i know!) or any boiled veggies specially kaerela (YES, I know!!!)
Biriyani and Rezzala
ps - i dunno man. i like ALL food! except pineapples and jackfruit and most fish
3 Beverages I drink regularly:
water
coffee
tomato juice
3 Shows I watched as a kid:
never watched much tv ... i remember loving i dream of jeanie and wonder years but dont remember when
probably top of the pops (reminds me of rajiv gandhi - dunno why!), and the weekend movies - all of them, and i remember watching a serial with a guy and wolf. dad says it was remington steele, but i'm sure not. and spiderman, phantom. remington steele too. i dunno. i am too old to remember and too young to re-remember.
3 People I’m tagging: San, Aparna, Olivia
a. walking into office. i am always thinking, what if i did something horrible and they just discovered it, bullies, new people, the middle class morality/closed minds that dont even know it, having to defend, argue something i believe in ... list is endless ... all confrontation based social fears.
b. (other) acquisitional people and soul-collectors.
c. being made a fool off, fear, pain and sometimes the dark.
3 People who make me laugh:
a. jerome k jerome.
b. oscar wilde.
c. georgette heyer.
3 Things I love:
a. stories
b. sleeping
c. eating
3 Things I hate:
a. me getting mad and flying out of control
b. me slacking when i shouldnt
c. losing / spoiling something because i was careless
3 Things I don’t understand:
a. statistics
b. people's sense of humour
c. shopping. fashion. roads. time management. how to be friendly. social skills.
3 Things on my desk:
a. peanuts (spicy) (Lidl)
b. coffee - strong black sweet cold - incessant (hah hah hah - yes)
c. photographs (barbie, jinx, ma, ACM, right now)
ps - also 2 boxes of smarties, 1 thanks for being my friend card, 1 bottle of water, cell phone, india kings, cohen cd, ghalib cd, black eyed peas (?!?) cd, ipod, cheese balls, ink bottles, and a fountain pen i am fixing. and a manual for someone's toaster dvd player thats not working.
3 Things I’m doing right now:
a. Trying to nail IRR paper - which is due day after - with little or no success
b. Worrying about next general direction of life
c. Wondering why there dont seem to be any suitable, single, straight 30+ male humans out there. yes suitable is the key word.
3 Things I want to do before I die:
figure out some stuff (whats common and whats not between schizophrenia and autism)
pass my course
write my IRR paper
(yes - i am a little problematically singe minded at times)
3 Things I can do:
a. sleep or not for 3 days at a stretch (just did both in last week)
b. write
c. play golf
3 Things I can’t do:
a. multi task
b. shop
c. make polite conversation with people i have no interest in (but i can fake it really well, actually)
3 Things you should listen to:
hemanta kumar
bach
led zeppelin
3 Things you should never listen to:
rap
remixed bollywood
psy
3 Things I’d like to learn:
a) control my temper
b) to make perfect biryani / cook like my mom
c) play the piano perfectly
3 Favorite foods:
Steak (rare - pepper and anything sauce. with broccoli and carrots and beans)
Boiled bhindi with salt and mustard oil (yes, i know!) or any boiled veggies specially kaerela (YES, I know!!!)
Biriyani and Rezzala
ps - i dunno man. i like ALL food! except pineapples and jackfruit and most fish
3 Beverages I drink regularly:
water
coffee
tomato juice
3 Shows I watched as a kid:
never watched much tv ... i remember loving i dream of jeanie and wonder years but dont remember when
probably top of the pops (reminds me of rajiv gandhi - dunno why!), and the weekend movies - all of them, and i remember watching a serial with a guy and wolf. dad says it was remington steele, but i'm sure not. and spiderman, phantom. remington steele too. i dunno. i am too old to remember and too young to re-remember.
3 People I’m tagging: San, Aparna, Olivia
Goecha la pass
and my best friends wedding ...
heady cocktail of madness. lol
what do i do?
feel a bit crazy!
in a way i'm so glad i am going to be in uae soon
being home there is kind of a insulating go to sleep kind of feeling!
no oman and iran trip though
bcz u apparently cant get a multiple entry visa for dubai
feeling restless tense and nervous
one more submission to go, but this is the BIG ONE!
why do i bump into my TA only when I
am taking one of my (extremely scarce) breaks? :(
i am already worrying about the
politics of the hols ahead. dmn.
b's christmas party tonight.
movies and hot chocolate in the common room
why does watching love, actually make me wistful, always?
damn. makes me think of that line in you've got
mail ... "the dream of someone"
it lasts all of 15 minutes before the bubble bursts.
sometimes i just switch off
even i dont know where the switch is,
so i cant control it
i dunno ...
heady cocktail of madness. lol
what do i do?
feel a bit crazy!
in a way i'm so glad i am going to be in uae soon
being home there is kind of a insulating go to sleep kind of feeling!
no oman and iran trip though
bcz u apparently cant get a multiple entry visa for dubai
feeling restless tense and nervous
one more submission to go, but this is the BIG ONE!
why do i bump into my TA only when I
am taking one of my (extremely scarce) breaks? :(
i am already worrying about the
politics of the hols ahead. dmn.
b's christmas party tonight.
movies and hot chocolate in the common room
why does watching love, actually make me wistful, always?
damn. makes me think of that line in you've got
mail ... "the dream of someone"
it lasts all of 15 minutes before the bubble bursts.
sometimes i just switch off
even i dont know where the switch is,
so i cant control it
i dunno ...
patient
its comes back around so quickly ...
it always catches me unawares
these hicupping, frame-wracking, shuddering breathless fits
anger or fear or pain or tears ...
while u just sit there helplessly watch urself
and keep saying over and over again:
'get a grip. keep calm. wait for it to pass'
wiggle ur big toe.
i was wrong. in the end, everyone's a billian.
u just gotto keep away from the f race.
it always catches me unawares
these hicupping, frame-wracking, shuddering breathless fits
anger or fear or pain or tears ...
while u just sit there helplessly watch urself
and keep saying over and over again:
'get a grip. keep calm. wait for it to pass'
wiggle ur big toe.
i was wrong. in the end, everyone's a billian.
u just gotto keep away from the f race.
Hung Without a Trial?
Unfair. Sad. But sometimes the only way. Specially when the defense is that smooth and that scary. But seriously, is there something like a creep magnet some people could have, maybe?
well, not really ;)
"I want to, I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon the surface for
The birds, the birds, the birds
You want me, well fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches
And nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing
You want me, well, come on and break the door down
You want me, fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready ..."
From 'Talk Show Host', Radiohead
Floating upon the surface for
The birds, the birds, the birds
You want me, well fucking well come and find me
I'll be waiting with a gun and a pack of sandwiches
And nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing
You want me, well, come on and break the door down
You want me, fucking come on and break the door down
I'm ready ..."
From 'Talk Show Host', Radiohead
Us and Them
its peeks like this that makes us wistful ...
so we should just stop being such peeping toms, huh?
but why the 'wisteria'? would we want to be an axis?
we know we're better off this way
and better still, the fire didnt melt, just forged
then why, still, when we see 'them', and their naiive innocence,
the heart cries ...
so we should just stop being such peeping toms, huh?
but why the 'wisteria'? would we want to be an axis?
we know we're better off this way
and better still, the fire didnt melt, just forged
then why, still, when we see 'them', and their naiive innocence,
the heart cries ...
Do you ever get the feeling ...
with someone, like they are following you? You do something, and in a few days they do it too. You ignore it the first few times and then it get weird. If you like a blog they'll go and live there as soon as they come to know. If you loke a guy, they'll start hitting on him, If you do something funny they will do it too soon after. I know I should feel take it as an ego kick, but it really pisses me off. Why me!!!
All Done!
and too tired to feel a thing. so, on to the biggest one now: IRR! I think I am freaking out already ...
Sincerely Seeking
It's one of those phases, that come upon me from time to time. Maybe its got something to be with straying close to the edge? When you're asleep, or when you're groggy, half awake, freaking out, scared, heart sore ... thats when, I think, your mind filters out everyone and you remember only the essential few. So I went looking for you. Looked for you on hotmail, on yahoo, on my computer ... found a couple of snaps from last year on yahoo. And now I remember why I dont go there anymore.
I was with home for two days. Maybe its just that which brought it all back. He's gone now. I dont believe 3 months have passed and I will be home soon. Everything has changed so much. I've been home 1 before, since you left, but I'm still scared of walking back into the silence.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
I was with home for two days. Maybe its just that which brought it all back. He's gone now. I dont believe 3 months have passed and I will be home soon. Everything has changed so much. I've been home 1 before, since you left, but I'm still scared of walking back into the silence.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Past 14 Hours
in the lab - havent done this in a while.
I am getting old!!!
reminds me of driving abck half dead from work at 8 AM ...
or worse. not so doing ...
or college labs before submissions ...
or school labs before term end ...
huh! oh ok.
guess i have been doing this ever since i opted to take comp sci
but i miss my beloved tcs. in hindsight: it was a party all the way ...
I am getting a refund for half my rent from the residence
bcz I have been spending all the nights in the lab
As usual, I get by with a little help from my friends
The meet me halfway during breaks and bring me hot coffee
Its just 10 percent of the total marks!
Is it worth so much heart ache?
1 weeks work for a .07% increase in profession
fcuk! why would anyone wanna study compl linguistics?
& when i think of all the pretty girls in class,
who are getting all this labour done by some earnest nerd,
while the uglies like us have to slog it thru and
then stop & help someone else at 3 AM ...
it makes me so sad!
all we get is snapped at for asking the most innocuous question
and then we have to waste 30 precious mins crying in the loo
damn. thank god for friends and KFC!
whats bugging / petrifying me is,
i am putting off IRR for this stupid thing
and thats a 100 bldy marks
what will i do?
i could also have written about the massive thanksgiving fiasco
and how fun-ly it ended, but i am too tired to spare the effort
here's the latest n updates on my IRR paper instead:
From PhD Comics.
I am getting old!!!
reminds me of driving abck half dead from work at 8 AM ...
or worse. not so doing ...
or college labs before submissions ...
or school labs before term end ...
huh! oh ok.
guess i have been doing this ever since i opted to take comp sci
but i miss my beloved tcs. in hindsight: it was a party all the way ...
I am getting a refund for half my rent from the residence
bcz I have been spending all the nights in the lab
As usual, I get by with a little help from my friends
The meet me halfway during breaks and bring me hot coffee
Its just 10 percent of the total marks!
Is it worth so much heart ache?
1 weeks work for a .07% increase in profession
fcuk! why would anyone wanna study compl linguistics?
& when i think of all the pretty girls in class,
who are getting all this labour done by some earnest nerd,
while the uglies like us have to slog it thru and
then stop & help someone else at 3 AM ...
it makes me so sad!
all we get is snapped at for asking the most innocuous question
and then we have to waste 30 precious mins crying in the loo
damn. thank god for friends and KFC!
whats bugging / petrifying me is,
i am putting off IRR for this stupid thing
and thats a 100 bldy marks
what will i do?
i could also have written about the massive thanksgiving fiasco
and how fun-ly it ended, but i am too tired to spare the effort
here's the latest n updates on my IRR paper instead:
From PhD Comics.
It is not who you are inside, but what you do that defines you:
It's the mantra which is, at times, the only weapon against the darkness that wells up from inside me: the darkness that comes from sight, shame, sin, guilt and memory.
So I've ticked off genetic inheritance, and character flaws. Can I dismiss past actions and choices as easily? Do we know what we will never do again? How much penance, is enough to heal?
How much time, must wash over old sores of memories, wash awake ennui so innate, and feed awake seeds so dormant?
In time still rings a 12 year old's voice echoing on a deserted balmy december night, "give it to me, spare them, i can take it more easily, i'm stronger". do You allow second thoughts, if she had them? dont worry Your sadistic soul: she wont.
At times i feel silly, thinking of how much i loved You, personalised You, and made You my own. They are right, You're just a figment of someone's imagination. And still, for them and for myself, there's a residue of the old love left: its called fear. I dont fear You the way I fear them. Them, I just fear I will hurt, carelessly.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
So I've ticked off genetic inheritance, and character flaws. Can I dismiss past actions and choices as easily? Do we know what we will never do again? How much penance, is enough to heal?
How much time, must wash over old sores of memories, wash awake ennui so innate, and feed awake seeds so dormant?
In time still rings a 12 year old's voice echoing on a deserted balmy december night, "give it to me, spare them, i can take it more easily, i'm stronger". do You allow second thoughts, if she had them? dont worry Your sadistic soul: she wont.
At times i feel silly, thinking of how much i loved You, personalised You, and made You my own. They are right, You're just a figment of someone's imagination. And still, for them and for myself, there's a residue of the old love left: its called fear. I dont fear You the way I fear them. Them, I just fear I will hurt, carelessly.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
in progress
ruthless fingers dig into putrid, rotting, tortured flesh. the maggots, sly, smiling, suspicious and disgruntled, crawl out one by one. healing can give so much pain
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Friends and Other Angels
Went to sleep last night missing my little best friend, and I was woken up by a sms from her within an hour. And then my Dad. And then another old friend when I woke up. Slept through the day with a killer headache. Just woke up (16:30) and remembered, no classes today. So much to do today ... Then I called and spoke to her for an hour! Feel so so so much better! Almost alive :)
I was always away from home, but I always phoned my friends a lot. Now that I am too broke to call everyone that much, it realy makes so much of a difference, its amazing. But at the same time, its that much cooler when we do talk!
I was always away from home, but I always phoned my friends a lot. Now that I am too broke to call everyone that much, it realy makes so much of a difference, its amazing. But at the same time, its that much cooler when we do talk!
trapped
is an easy place to come to.
mundane-ish day. woke up late. did dutiful round of classes. amusing visiting studen in ICS class. came home to my horrifically-dirty-at-the-moment room. obsessed about how much speed cleaning could be done before guest arrived, when guest knocked. fed guest chai and couscous gone bad and over-large dose of coffee. guest got dsgusted and cycled away. participated in extended gossip session in garage with steve the night gaurd and friends from uni, about this and that and ho much work we had (which we werent doing, bcz of extended gossip session). came up and searched for papers trying vainly to look for 2 basic-ish papers related to neural basis of schizophrenia for lit review (IRR) paper. freaked out about lack of joy in finding anything remotely useful. freaked out somemore. went back to searching. obsessed somemore in background about the other (ICL) assignment that was still incomplete. decided to write post instead while listening to sound and fury of wind outside.
"
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
"
missing my little best friend. funny how noone else will do. and so much practise wont get me used to her ethereal ways. is this how the other end of the stick feels? damn. why does she have to be so like? blame it on the genes!
feels strange that I will be home at the end of the month. scary-strange. so out of mind has it been. but shworma and rex, i can get excited about. funny how i get so scared of meeting them again and so excited when it actually does happen. there's a reason why i talk so much about it not being possible for people to know themselves. maybe we are all brains in vats. or a vat. which would be yuckier.
what else? yes. still feel trapped. how do you do the desparado thing? there should ba a reform school for gypsy, wastrels, rebels, committment-phobes, claustrophobes, adulation-phobes, happiness&contentment-phobes and self-phobes. yes, i made that up. perhaps the key is in not wanting. just stay still and take whatever comes. why does that feel so sad?
i havent been running in months now. situational. my sneakers are calling me. i got itchy feet. i should have done the race for life again this year. lol. irony! race for life.
mundane-ish day. woke up late. did dutiful round of classes. amusing visiting studen in ICS class. came home to my horrifically-dirty-at-the-moment room. obsessed about how much speed cleaning could be done before guest arrived, when guest knocked. fed guest chai and couscous gone bad and over-large dose of coffee. guest got dsgusted and cycled away. participated in extended gossip session in garage with steve the night gaurd and friends from uni, about this and that and ho much work we had (which we werent doing, bcz of extended gossip session). came up and searched for papers trying vainly to look for 2 basic-ish papers related to neural basis of schizophrenia for lit review (IRR) paper. freaked out about lack of joy in finding anything remotely useful. freaked out somemore. went back to searching. obsessed somemore in background about the other (ICL) assignment that was still incomplete. decided to write post instead while listening to sound and fury of wind outside.
"
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
"
missing my little best friend. funny how noone else will do. and so much practise wont get me used to her ethereal ways. is this how the other end of the stick feels? damn. why does she have to be so like? blame it on the genes!
feels strange that I will be home at the end of the month. scary-strange. so out of mind has it been. but shworma and rex, i can get excited about. funny how i get so scared of meeting them again and so excited when it actually does happen. there's a reason why i talk so much about it not being possible for people to know themselves. maybe we are all brains in vats. or a vat. which would be yuckier.
what else? yes. still feel trapped. how do you do the desparado thing? there should ba a reform school for gypsy, wastrels, rebels, committment-phobes, claustrophobes, adulation-phobes, happiness&contentment-phobes and self-phobes. yes, i made that up. perhaps the key is in not wanting. just stay still and take whatever comes. why does that feel so sad?
i havent been running in months now. situational. my sneakers are calling me. i got itchy feet. i should have done the race for life again this year. lol. irony! race for life.
trapped
is an easy place to come to.
mundane-ish day. woke up late. did dutiful round of classes. amusing visiting studen in ICS class. came home to my horrifically-dirty-at-the-moment room. obsessed about how much speed cleaning could be done before guest arrived, when guest knocked. fed guest chai and couscous gone bad and over-large dose of coffee. guest got dsgusted and cycled away. participated in extended gossip session in garage with steve the night gaurd and friends from uni, about this and that and ho much work we had (which we werent doing, bcz of extended gossip session). came up and searched for papers trying vainly to look for 2 basic-ish papers related to neural basis of schizophrenia for lit review (IRR) paper. freaked out about lack of joy in finding anything remotely useful. freaked out somemore. went back to searching. obsessed somemore in background about the other (ICL) assignment that was still incomplete. decided to write post instead while listening to sound and fury of wind outside.
"
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
"
missing my little best friend. funny how noone else will do. and so much practise wont get me used to her ethereal ways. is this how the other end of the stick feels? damn. why does she have to be so like? blame it on the genes!
feels strange that I will be home at the end of the month. scary-strange. so out of mind has it been. but shworma and rex, i can get excited about. funny how i get so scared of meeting them again and so excited when it actually does happen. there's a reason why i talk so much about it not being possible for people to know themselves. maybe we are all brains in vats. or a vat. which would be yuckier.
what else? yes. still feel trapped. how do you do the desparado thing? there should ba a reform school for gypsy, wastrels, rebels, committment-phobes, claustrophobes, adulation-phobes, happiness&contentment-phobes and self-phobes. yes, i made that up.
i havent been running in months now. situational. my sneakers are calling me. i got itchy feet. i should have done the race for life again this year. lol. irony! race for life.
mundane-ish day. woke up late. did dutiful round of classes. amusing visiting studen in ICS class. came home to my horrifically-dirty-at-the-moment room. obsessed about how much speed cleaning could be done before guest arrived, when guest knocked. fed guest chai and couscous gone bad and over-large dose of coffee. guest got dsgusted and cycled away. participated in extended gossip session in garage with steve the night gaurd and friends from uni, about this and that and ho much work we had (which we werent doing, bcz of extended gossip session). came up and searched for papers trying vainly to look for 2 basic-ish papers related to neural basis of schizophrenia for lit review (IRR) paper. freaked out about lack of joy in finding anything remotely useful. freaked out somemore. went back to searching. obsessed somemore in background about the other (ICL) assignment that was still incomplete. decided to write post instead while listening to sound and fury of wind outside.
"
You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace
"
missing my little best friend. funny how noone else will do. and so much practise wont get me used to her ethereal ways. is this how the other end of the stick feels? damn. why does she have to be so like? blame it on the genes!
feels strange that I will be home at the end of the month. scary-strange. so out of mind has it been. but shworma and rex, i can get excited about. funny how i get so scared of meeting them again and so excited when it actually does happen. there's a reason why i talk so much about it not being possible for people to know themselves. maybe we are all brains in vats. or a vat. which would be yuckier.
what else? yes. still feel trapped. how do you do the desparado thing? there should ba a reform school for gypsy, wastrels, rebels, committment-phobes, claustrophobes, adulation-phobes, happiness&contentment-phobes and self-phobes. yes, i made that up.
i havent been running in months now. situational. my sneakers are calling me. i got itchy feet. i should have done the race for life again this year. lol. irony! race for life.
Once Again
I need a little help from my Julia Roberts and Kate Hudson
Listening to Fallen. Isnt it Ironic? Not even Fallen.
"And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it's ironic to be back in the game."
Its 4 in the morning. This is when I would get ready to phone you. Suddenly so blue. Miss you. Suddenly struck by one of thos sharp stabs of missing you. Yes, it could have something to do with the fact that I spent the last hour looking at your photographs. There is no way to find you again. Or your me. One day I will forget. One day the bitterness will fade. One day I will not look for your face in everybodies face. One day people will just be people, not someone who looks, or talks, or smiles like you. or doesnt. Or someone you would have liked. or wouldnt. One day, someone will measure up. One day the yardstick will break. One day, I will love again.
Its not me. Its your song I played accidentally that brought you up. Yes, you were right. I remember how it used to make you laugh. Are you laughing now?
"muJhse bichaD ke khush rehte ho
meri tarah tum bhi jhooTe ho
ik tahni par chaaNd Tika thaa
maiN ye samJha tum baithe ho
uJle uJle phool khile the
bilkul jaise tum haNste ho
muJhe shaam bata deti hai
tum kaise kapDe pehne ho
tumh tanha duniya se laDoge
bachhON si baateN karte ho"
And listening to your old favourite song. Do you remember how we fought about this song? Do you remember the serial it used to come on? And how much you hated it?
"Koi ye kaise bataye ki, wo tanha kyon hai
Wo jo apna tha wohi, Or kisi ka kyoon hai
Yahi duniya hai to phir, aisi ye duniya kyoon hai
Yahi hota hai to aakhir yahi hota kyoon hai
Ik zara haath bada de to, pakdle daaman
Uske seene mein sama jaye, hamari dhadkan
Itni Kurbat hai to phir, faasla itna kyoon hai
Dile barbaad se nikla nahi, ab tak koi
Ik loote ghar pe diya karta hai, dastak koi
Aas jo toot gayi, phir se, bandhaata kyoon hai
Tum masarrat ka kaho ya, ise gum ka rishta
Kehtein hai pyaar ka rishta hai, janam ka rishta
Hai janam ka rishta jo ye to, badalta kyoon hai"
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Listening to Fallen. Isnt it Ironic? Not even Fallen.
"And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it's ironic to be back in the game."
Its 4 in the morning. This is when I would get ready to phone you. Suddenly so blue. Miss you. Suddenly struck by one of thos sharp stabs of missing you. Yes, it could have something to do with the fact that I spent the last hour looking at your photographs. There is no way to find you again. Or your me. One day I will forget. One day the bitterness will fade. One day I will not look for your face in everybodies face. One day people will just be people, not someone who looks, or talks, or smiles like you. or doesnt. Or someone you would have liked. or wouldnt. One day, someone will measure up. One day the yardstick will break. One day, I will love again.
Its not me. Its your song I played accidentally that brought you up. Yes, you were right. I remember how it used to make you laugh. Are you laughing now?
"muJhse bichaD ke khush rehte ho
meri tarah tum bhi jhooTe ho
ik tahni par chaaNd Tika thaa
maiN ye samJha tum baithe ho
uJle uJle phool khile the
bilkul jaise tum haNste ho
muJhe shaam bata deti hai
tum kaise kapDe pehne ho
tumh tanha duniya se laDoge
bachhON si baateN karte ho"
And listening to your old favourite song. Do you remember how we fought about this song? Do you remember the serial it used to come on? And how much you hated it?
"Koi ye kaise bataye ki, wo tanha kyon hai
Wo jo apna tha wohi, Or kisi ka kyoon hai
Yahi duniya hai to phir, aisi ye duniya kyoon hai
Yahi hota hai to aakhir yahi hota kyoon hai
Ik zara haath bada de to, pakdle daaman
Uske seene mein sama jaye, hamari dhadkan
Itni Kurbat hai to phir, faasla itna kyoon hai
Dile barbaad se nikla nahi, ab tak koi
Ik loote ghar pe diya karta hai, dastak koi
Aas jo toot gayi, phir se, bandhaata kyoon hai
Tum masarrat ka kaho ya, ise gum ka rishta
Kehtein hai pyaar ka rishta hai, janam ka rishta
Hai janam ka rishta jo ye to, badalta kyoon hai"
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Damn
half your life
and so much of your efforts
are spent in trying to shake people off
who want to be your friend.
and yet,
in the hours that you could really have done with one
there is never anyone, is there?
or atleast, not anyone who would do.
i remember a pome from school,
that i had written,
about being surrounded by props of thermacol and clay,
while ur sinking,
or feeling faint.
or ants
or children
u know they cant take ur weight ...
well, i guess u just have to keep standing straight.
what is this weariness?
this addiction to leaning.
that is the root of the problems.
you must run. or walk. or stand straight.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
and so much of your efforts
are spent in trying to shake people off
who want to be your friend.
and yet,
in the hours that you could really have done with one
there is never anyone, is there?
or atleast, not anyone who would do.
i remember a pome from school,
that i had written,
about being surrounded by props of thermacol and clay,
while ur sinking,
or feeling faint.
or ants
or children
u know they cant take ur weight ...
well, i guess u just have to keep standing straight.
what is this weariness?
this addiction to leaning.
that is the root of the problems.
you must run. or walk. or stand straight.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
view from my window
window and rainbow
Originally uploaded by prerona.
When I looked out, I didnt see the rainbow. I only saw it once I had the photograph on my computer. Wonder how many more I missed like that :)
I never shared this. Not many people would find much to interest them here. But just in case: Here it is!
Cooking on Saturday
After 8 months ... because cous-cous doesnt count! Am I nervous, or am I nervous! maybe I should just run away. On other topics, wish I could type, would make life so much easier
losersville
i guess in life some people are just born to be losers. out of her innate sense of irony, she gives some of these huge vaulting ego's and ambitions. technicolour dreams. and out of her occasional streak of sadism, once in a while she throw s them scarps of chance - to turn everything ariound, a way out, to make everything different ... 2nd chances. She doesnt need to do anything to make sure they screw it up, its all about who they are ... screw it up, they will. And for the stupidest reasons.
a bit of drama
you dont want to hurt people.
you dont want to deny people.
yet to not say no to them,
to not save yourself from them,
would mean to sacrifice everything
that means anything to you,
and to everyone you love.
what do you do?
why do people want to
eat your life up?
like the monsters
and the sun.
you dont want to deny people.
yet to not say no to them,
to not save yourself from them,
would mean to sacrifice everything
that means anything to you,
and to everyone you love.
what do you do?
why do people want to
eat your life up?
like the monsters
and the sun.
for you, wherever you roam
everyway you go is heartbreak
everyone you meet is someone else
the road never takes you back to yesterday
those left behind can never be found again
when u walk you dont know nothing will compare
to the people and things you leave behind
i'd leave metal in a thrice now
just have ur sanity back
everyone you meet is someone else
the road never takes you back to yesterday
those left behind can never be found again
when u walk you dont know nothing will compare
to the people and things you leave behind
i'd leave metal in a thrice now
just have ur sanity back
Us and Them
There is a storm outside, as noisy as a group of drunken men in a brawl. Its one of those days, when time rolls back like a curtain and you are every age you have ever been, at once. On days like this, I just wake up with a voice in my head echoing Ginny's voice from 1000 acres, 'because those children will have something we never had a chance of ever having ... hope'
Enthrallment lies in the heart of the beholder. I remember watching you for hours, never bored of the tiny details of your daily life. Your tiny hands curled into two smudged pink blobs of half done flesh, topped with sharp slivers of nail, with which you scratched yourself all over.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Enthrallment lies in the heart of the beholder. I remember watching you for hours, never bored of the tiny details of your daily life. Your tiny hands curled into two smudged pink blobs of half done flesh, topped with sharp slivers of nail, with which you scratched yourself all over.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
What do you think?
http://www.thothweb.com/article-4153--0-0.html?
Reminds me of Flat Liners ... and a lot of other stuff. Hoever, isnt this what most people believe intuitively as well? Is that why this keeps cropping up in different guises? Or is it some other reason?
Reminds me of Flat Liners ... and a lot of other stuff. Hoever, isnt this what most people believe intuitively as well? Is that why this keeps cropping up in different guises? Or is it some other reason?
Uninvited
Tripping on uninvited. There's s much to say, but where's the words? and I'm out of breath anyway ...
"Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate"
Uninvited, Alanis Morissette
Originally Posted at Prerona.
"Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate"
Uninvited, Alanis Morissette
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Sunshine
one blissfully empty day, sandwiched between two nights of fun and friends. being happy leaves a intractable bitter after taste of guilt. am i not supposed to be in mourning still? i forgot, for a while. and then, little things remind me of you again. and its all i can do not to break.
those immature drawings you saved, and even put up on the wall, furiously crayon coloured bright blue skies and smiling suns. now all the suns have gone out. and i had thought it would be such a bracing feeling to be all alone in the world, like a brisk walk on a chilly day with fresh winds in your face.
this day brings you back so much more than anyother. you were always so happy on my birthday. not that she wasnt, but only when the mood took her, I guess. I think about all the times I let you down for her, that I missed her, loved her. Guilt is the most potent poison.
nobody saves my drawings now. like nobody waits for me to come home, anymore. maybe if i hadnt kept you waiting so long, you would have stayed.
its days like this that you want to sit and listen to "crying", dont you. i love you even more, than i ever did before. but darling, what can i do.its so final. there's no reaching you, no negotiating, no bargaining, like I always did. So strange to think, I cant make you change your mind even by turturing myself, or atleast it hasnt worked yet.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
those immature drawings you saved, and even put up on the wall, furiously crayon coloured bright blue skies and smiling suns. now all the suns have gone out. and i had thought it would be such a bracing feeling to be all alone in the world, like a brisk walk on a chilly day with fresh winds in your face.
this day brings you back so much more than anyother. you were always so happy on my birthday. not that she wasnt, but only when the mood took her, I guess. I think about all the times I let you down for her, that I missed her, loved her. Guilt is the most potent poison.
nobody saves my drawings now. like nobody waits for me to come home, anymore. maybe if i hadnt kept you waiting so long, you would have stayed.
its days like this that you want to sit and listen to "crying", dont you. i love you even more, than i ever did before. but darling, what can i do.its so final. there's no reaching you, no negotiating, no bargaining, like I always did. So strange to think, I cant make you change your mind even by turturing myself, or atleast it hasnt worked yet.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Tag: The perfect man
I was looking through old posts on the other blog to see if there was anything I should move back here and I found this - it made me smile! Its from 8th Feb 2006. So I thought I'll put it up again, just for laughs ... Here goes:
Was tagged by Parna, Aparna & Sanity Starved.
The rules:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. You have to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there's no need to post again.
Sex of the target : Male.
Of the top of my head I would have said:
1. He's a good man. I admire him. I look up to him
2. He's really intelligent. He's capable. He's damn good at work. He makes me so proud of him
3. He's responsible. He'd always take care of me
4. He's wise, he's mature, he has a certain air of weltschmersch. Sometimes, when he sits and does nothing, staring into the distance, I can see it in his eyes
5. He has streak cruel. He's strong. He's sure of himself. He knows just where he stands. He's not insecure. He can be arrogant. He can break my heart, casually. When he's playing, I can read it in his smile
6. He's got a smile that lights up the bleakest soul. Grouch! He rarely smiles!
7. He's brave, even reckless. Sometimes, he's scared of me, I can tell.
8. Sometimes, there's a tenderness in his smile, which makes my heart want to melt to a puddle on the floor. He really loves me, and it shows, but just barely :)
Victims:
7 Sins
Sad Old Bong
JDV
Malignant Humour
Megha
Waxing Pathetic
Coffee&Crackers
Olivia
but its not really that. It really set me thinking. I have been trying to complete this list for the past few days and been drawing blank. i've been thinking, there are some things which we think we want, and there are the things which we actually want. there was a quote that went something like the secret of happiness is knowing the difference between what we wish for and what we want. but as i kept thinking about it, it morphed into another idea in my head. we are all, as human beings, attracted to two kinds of people: one, people like us and two: people who are different.
for the former we feel the bonding of shared understanding, co-misseration, shared failings. also, the irritation of having two accept the same faults twice over, repeated lessons in case of a phase lag, the embarresment of a mirror in ur face.
for the latter, we feel the fascination of the unknown, the un-understandable, the desirable. also, the fustration of not undrstanding where they are coming from. the irritation of having needs and timings out of synch.
the only really happy couples in the world are the ones who, consciously or unconsciously, have made the choice between, or have had it made for them by life, or chance, and have accepted it and lived by it. forevermore.
DISCLAIMER - This post is liable to go under for editing, or even dissapear, as i wrote it when i was tired and i half dunno what i'm saying :)
Ummm, no connection, really, but this is the snap I was looking at while writing this: snap - dont he just break ur heart! lol
Was tagged by Parna, Aparna & Sanity Starved.
The rules:
1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. You have to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they've been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there's no need to post again.
Sex of the target : Male.
Of the top of my head I would have said:
1. He's a good man. I admire him. I look up to him
2. He's really intelligent. He's capable. He's damn good at work. He makes me so proud of him
3. He's responsible. He'd always take care of me
4. He's wise, he's mature, he has a certain air of weltschmersch. Sometimes, when he sits and does nothing, staring into the distance, I can see it in his eyes
5. He has streak cruel. He's strong. He's sure of himself. He knows just where he stands. He's not insecure. He can be arrogant. He can break my heart, casually. When he's playing, I can read it in his smile
6. He's got a smile that lights up the bleakest soul. Grouch! He rarely smiles!
7. He's brave, even reckless. Sometimes, he's scared of me, I can tell.
8. Sometimes, there's a tenderness in his smile, which makes my heart want to melt to a puddle on the floor. He really loves me, and it shows, but just barely :)
Victims:
7 Sins
Sad Old Bong
JDV
Malignant Humour
Megha
Waxing Pathetic
Coffee&Crackers
Olivia
but its not really that. It really set me thinking. I have been trying to complete this list for the past few days and been drawing blank. i've been thinking, there are some things which we think we want, and there are the things which we actually want. there was a quote that went something like the secret of happiness is knowing the difference between what we wish for and what we want. but as i kept thinking about it, it morphed into another idea in my head. we are all, as human beings, attracted to two kinds of people: one, people like us and two: people who are different.
for the former we feel the bonding of shared understanding, co-misseration, shared failings. also, the irritation of having two accept the same faults twice over, repeated lessons in case of a phase lag, the embarresment of a mirror in ur face.
for the latter, we feel the fascination of the unknown, the un-understandable, the desirable. also, the fustration of not undrstanding where they are coming from. the irritation of having needs and timings out of synch.
the only really happy couples in the world are the ones who, consciously or unconsciously, have made the choice between, or have had it made for them by life, or chance, and have accepted it and lived by it. forevermore.
DISCLAIMER - This post is liable to go under for editing, or even dissapear, as i wrote it when i was tired and i half dunno what i'm saying :)
Ummm, no connection, really, but this is the snap I was looking at while writing this: snap - dont he just break ur heart! lol
Ostrich
time wont let u forget
time, and its misc monsters
will pull out ur pretty ostrich feather
one by one
and slice away ur body
stciking out of the sand
in tiny slivers
with a rusted nail
i thought i they had dried and scabbed
and i could open them again
but they still bled, ur blood
ur traitor blood
and people come
they want to make it better
walk in with hobnailed boots
treading on ur sores
and once the box is opened again
and the workmen gone
how long will it take you
in ur quiet house
to sweep it up again
to collect all those rabid dogs
the pieces of bone
and lock them up again
in the attics
shove bloody palms
into pockets again
after you've been forced to take them out
to prove
why u cant shake hands
time, and its misc monsters
will pull out ur pretty ostrich feather
one by one
and slice away ur body
stciking out of the sand
in tiny slivers
with a rusted nail
i thought i they had dried and scabbed
and i could open them again
but they still bled, ur blood
ur traitor blood
and people come
they want to make it better
walk in with hobnailed boots
treading on ur sores
and once the box is opened again
and the workmen gone
how long will it take you
in ur quiet house
to sweep it up again
to collect all those rabid dogs
the pieces of bone
and lock them up again
in the attics
shove bloody palms
into pockets again
after you've been forced to take them out
to prove
why u cant shake hands
The morning after
I thought I could sleep through the weekend, I was so tired. Havent slept more than a few hours at a stretch for what seems like forever. It would be okay if I was getting in any quality work, but I am not very happy with anything I turned in, except for one CM paper, and that too had some holes. Anyway, waited till after class for the pressure to let up. After that we partied, or something like it ...
I had been to frantically busy to let anyone know about the evening, so I half expected everyone to have other plans. So it was really sweet to see that they were still free. Didnt find a lot of people in the dorms, but I found those I wanted, with two exceptions.
My kind of perfect evening. We sat in the common room watching Sin City, eating KFC and drinking whiskey, with just all the people I liked in their with me!
Drank quite a bit and we were done sometime 3. I was half dead by then, came up to my room and crashed. Slept almost till 1PM the next day, with short breaks to take late birthday calls from friends far away.
Worked a bit on the next assignment during the day and then chatted with a few more friends in the evening. Went out for dinner with a few more friends at night. Isnt it nice to have the people you like around you, and not a crowd?
Saw trailors for Guru. I'm dying to see that. And Dhoom2!
I had been to frantically busy to let anyone know about the evening, so I half expected everyone to have other plans. So it was really sweet to see that they were still free. Didnt find a lot of people in the dorms, but I found those I wanted, with two exceptions.
My kind of perfect evening. We sat in the common room watching Sin City, eating KFC and drinking whiskey, with just all the people I liked in their with me!
Drank quite a bit and we were done sometime 3. I was half dead by then, came up to my room and crashed. Slept almost till 1PM the next day, with short breaks to take late birthday calls from friends far away.
Worked a bit on the next assignment during the day and then chatted with a few more friends in the evening. Went out for dinner with a few more friends at night. Isnt it nice to have the people you like around you, and not a crowd?
Saw trailors for Guru. I'm dying to see that. And Dhoom2!
On my birthday
I slept 30 mins in the last 24 hours
Submited 2 papers
Receieved: Wage, the Ugly Doll, 1 strawberry cake, 1 Grants whiskey, I box of chocolates, 1 mont blanc pen (ball point - which I dont use), Golden scarf (which I dont use)
Bought 2 buckets of KFC and misc sushi for Becky
Was hit by car, and survived
Lost my favourite lighter
Stumbled to the scotmid to accompany Becky, to buy my cake, stood outside
Watched Sin City (for the nth time) and American History X
Received calls from Barbie, Mom, Chatts, Juls and Ady
Felt grateful for the friends I have.
31?
31!
Duh ...
Submited 2 papers
Receieved: Wage, the Ugly Doll, 1 strawberry cake, 1 Grants whiskey, I box of chocolates, 1 mont blanc pen (ball point - which I dont use), Golden scarf (which I dont use)
Bought 2 buckets of KFC and misc sushi for Becky
Was hit by car, and survived
Lost my favourite lighter
Stumbled to the scotmid to accompany Becky, to buy my cake, stood outside
Watched Sin City (for the nth time) and American History X
Received calls from Barbie, Mom, Chatts, Juls and Ady
Felt grateful for the friends I have.
31?
31!
Duh ...
:)
My horoscope says "Take responsibility for your feelings. You'll be better off if you do so, and you may even realize you have more control over your life than you thought. Acknowledge your emotions in the present and you won't overreact later." What does it? Somehow, feel its imp to understand. But will I ever dare to do that? My feelings are so nasty and selfish most of the time! LOL
My housemate broke my fav shoes. And my heart.
The deadline for the Monday assignment has been moved by a day. We have the ICL assignments - its mammoth. We have to run a NRE tool on a german and english corpus. yuck! i'm sick TNT
And tonight I have to finish 3.5 pages on defeasible reasoning and more for cm and complete the ICS assignment which I dont even understand! asked the prod, & he doesnt know either! duh.
dad didnt come. and he didnt send the cards mom was sending with him either. this is my first birthday that i remember without a card from my mom, but I got her gift.
1.5 down. Half to go. Deadlines at 4. One essay postponed. Ha Ha Ha ... :D
My housemate broke my fav shoes. And my heart.
The deadline for the Monday assignment has been moved by a day. We have the ICL assignments - its mammoth. We have to run a NRE tool on a german and english corpus. yuck! i'm sick TNT
And tonight I have to finish 3.5 pages on defeasible reasoning and more for cm and complete the ICS assignment which I dont even understand! asked the prod, & he doesnt know either! duh.
dad didnt come. and he didnt send the cards mom was sending with him either. this is my first birthday that i remember without a card from my mom, but I got her gift.
1.5 down. Half to go. Deadlines at 4. One essay postponed. Ha Ha Ha ... :D
for you
I look for you everywhere, except
in the most obvious places.
I follow you around like a shadow
wasted. And i claw at your footsteps.
Yet you're too heavy, for me to lift
And yet to give you up tears out my guts.
The song in my ears keeps ringing
As the love winds out.
in the most obvious places.
I follow you around like a shadow
wasted. And i claw at your footsteps.
Yet you're too heavy, for me to lift
And yet to give you up tears out my guts.
The song in my ears keeps ringing
As the love winds out.
ostrich
time wont let u forget
time, and its misc monsters
will pull out ur pretty ostrich feather
one by one
and slice away ur body
stciking out of the sand
in tiny slivers
with a rusted nail
i thought i they had dried and scabbed
and i could open them again
but they still bled, ur blood
ur traitor blood
and people come
they want to make it better
walk in with hobnailed boots
treading on ur sores
and once the box is opened again
and the workmen gone
how long will it take you
in ur quiet house
to sweep it up again
to collect all those rabid dogs
the pieces of bone
and lock them up again
in the attics
shove bloody palms
into pockets again
after you've been forced to take them out
to prove
why u cant shake hands
time, and its misc monsters
will pull out ur pretty ostrich feather
one by one
and slice away ur body
stciking out of the sand
in tiny slivers
with a rusted nail
i thought i they had dried and scabbed
and i could open them again
but they still bled, ur blood
ur traitor blood
and people come
they want to make it better
walk in with hobnailed boots
treading on ur sores
and once the box is opened again
and the workmen gone
how long will it take you
in ur quiet house
to sweep it up again
to collect all those rabid dogs
the pieces of bone
and lock them up again
in the attics
shove bloody palms
into pockets again
after you've been forced to take them out
to prove
why u cant shake hands
Assigned
i am DYING of assignments
and i CANNOT concentrate
i sit with the stuff for HOURS and get nothing done
i have tried morning noon night. NOTHING is working
all i DO is chat and WHINE
i have FOUR essays due by monday
have not even STARTED
not even the BACKGROUND reading
that is 8000 words. atleast
no. more for CM. and
everyone knows i CANT write in structure
i miss home and my SISTER
i CANT do this
i want to RUN away
i am FREAKING out
LOL ;)
and i CANNOT concentrate
i sit with the stuff for HOURS and get nothing done
i have tried morning noon night. NOTHING is working
all i DO is chat and WHINE
i have FOUR essays due by monday
have not even STARTED
not even the BACKGROUND reading
that is 8000 words. atleast
no. more for CM. and
everyone knows i CANT write in structure
i miss home and my SISTER
i CANT do this
i want to RUN away
i am FREAKING out
LOL ;)
Doctor, Doctor
Can't somebody help me
Helplessly, I watch
As my cries die out
In wobbly, crazy shapes
Above my head.
And in the final moments
I am still amused
By the stained hysteria
and the strange purple-reds
Delicate and quivering
A bubble floats back
From tomorrow
I wish I had known in time
To do something
The sandman, dissolves in the rain
and slowly disintegrating
becomes one with the beach
His grandiose technicolour dreams
And his foolish pride and ambitions
evaporates, like water, noone sees
Helplessly, I watch
As my cries die out
In wobbly, crazy shapes
Above my head.
And in the final moments
I am still amused
By the stained hysteria
and the strange purple-reds
Delicate and quivering
A bubble floats back
From tomorrow
I wish I had known in time
To do something
The sandman, dissolves in the rain
and slowly disintegrating
becomes one with the beach
His grandiose technicolour dreams
And his foolish pride and ambitions
evaporates, like water, noone sees
when you're hurt
my world crashes and comes to a halt
i guess, thats what it means ...
i love you. my little one
my wee one. i wish i was there for u
when i feel like that for somebody new
i'll know thats i love you
i guess, thats what it means ...
i love you. my little one
my wee one. i wish i was there for u
when i feel like that for somebody new
i'll know thats i love you
dismal-dull-done
watching KANK again
the one who gave me that link did know what she was doing
the beauty of it is, i think, in silsila, or even in the hollywood version
the other people are kind of paler, u 'feel sorry for them
but no more
here every now and then u see it in preity zinta or abhishekh
i could see easily why she would be attracted to him
as clearly as i can see how tiresomely trivial, superficial, "happy" he is
and also the way he catches these bizzare things
like preity hitting the nail bang on the head when she says
u cant love anyone, bcz u hate urself too much
and abhishekh bachchan cribbing about rani mukherjee
u dont love anyone. u don find anything funny. ur too serious.
u dont want to be happy.
ur dull. ur boring.
BINGO, sunshine! u said it. now how do i fix it?
but they'll hang on and keep btching about it, wont they
they wont pack up their sunshine and leave
the thing about happy people that freaks me out is,
if they are that elated, they're missing something
and another thing i love that they show, or almost
is that cruelty tic ... its like a tic in ur eye
ur aware of it, and of how annoying it is
but the minute you stop holding stiff and polite and sweet
and in control ... u get bitchy and cruel
;0) just kidding
and ofcourse i love the nonsaintliness of the parents
and preity's mom in the toy store was SO familiar
but maybe they shud have made her a little badder, as well
and that scene at the crossing with preity and rani (god i love her but i hare her name) both approaching shah rukh khan ... most people would say its so unreal right?what are the chances of something like that happening! lol ... u'd think that way unless u actually saw it happening - everyday - little miracles!
and someone was critising it bcz of the way he treats the kid. i know. but he's survive. what doesnt kill u makes u tougher. growing up in confused fear like that, having no clue what will hit you, when, can only make him stronger. and more screwed up. he'll grow up. a little darker and screwed up, probably, and love moveis like kank when they come out. lol
the one who gave me that link did know what she was doing
the beauty of it is, i think, in silsila, or even in the hollywood version
the other people are kind of paler, u 'feel sorry for them
but no more
here every now and then u see it in preity zinta or abhishekh
i could see easily why she would be attracted to him
as clearly as i can see how tiresomely trivial, superficial, "happy" he is
and also the way he catches these bizzare things
like preity hitting the nail bang on the head when she says
u cant love anyone, bcz u hate urself too much
and abhishekh bachchan cribbing about rani mukherjee
u dont love anyone. u don find anything funny. ur too serious.
u dont want to be happy.
ur dull. ur boring.
BINGO, sunshine! u said it. now how do i fix it?
but they'll hang on and keep btching about it, wont they
they wont pack up their sunshine and leave
the thing about happy people that freaks me out is,
if they are that elated, they're missing something
and another thing i love that they show, or almost
is that cruelty tic ... its like a tic in ur eye
ur aware of it, and of how annoying it is
but the minute you stop holding stiff and polite and sweet
and in control ... u get bitchy and cruel
;0) just kidding
and ofcourse i love the nonsaintliness of the parents
and preity's mom in the toy store was SO familiar
but maybe they shud have made her a little badder, as well
and that scene at the crossing with preity and rani (god i love her but i hare her name) both approaching shah rukh khan ... most people would say its so unreal right?what are the chances of something like that happening! lol ... u'd think that way unless u actually saw it happening - everyday - little miracles!
and someone was critising it bcz of the way he treats the kid. i know. but he's survive. what doesnt kill u makes u tougher. growing up in confused fear like that, having no clue what will hit you, when, can only make him stronger. and more screwed up. he'll grow up. a little darker and screwed up, probably, and love moveis like kank when they come out. lol
bird song
were our love the giant
of childhood fairy tales
its soul encased in a bird
and that bird would be a song
as long as it rung
in my ears
would our love survive
as long as it danced
would i be trapped
and never seek
to flee
from this circle love
and the day it dies
would we
of childhood fairy tales
its soul encased in a bird
and that bird would be a song
as long as it rung
in my ears
would our love survive
as long as it danced
would i be trapped
and never seek
to flee
from this circle love
and the day it dies
would we
consequences
in my little scared timid non confrontational arrogent egoistic tangential ways, could i have ever gotten it through to you, how much you hurt me? and this. i wish i hadnt listened to you on this. now life will never be the same, in so many ways. so much more regret, as if i didnt have enough desertions in my backpack already. yes, i am feeling resentful. and yes, i do know its not really anyone's fault but mine. but still, u cant be rational all the time ;)
i often wonder who 'most people' go to when they feel desperate. Do they feel desperate. this strange rush, that barbie call 'the exam exam feeling' ... funny but apt. ur cant define it. or pin it down. this is not madcap calling. this is u knowing u fucked up big time and there is no recall. the dead have died, and the lost are gone.
its my own fault. i didnt know my own mind. I never usually listen to anyone. I am polite, and sweet. I am too lazy too argue. But I usually go do my own thing anyway. Atleast eventually. Thing is, noone but me ever had the full facts. so noone but me can make the right decision, however older, wiser, smarter they are. But sometimes I forget that. The decision seems to big and I panic and listen to what people say. And later, I regret. I feel a little resentful, but I know thats not fair, because if someone told you something, they thought it was for the best. But still, the heart doesnt listen to logic, sometimes.
there's no poison more potent than guilt. and regret. now, that the shock of losing you, and the weight of knowing its for good, has settled into this unfeeling numbness, I miss the bitter sharpness of the pain. Sometimes.
sometimes i forget. what i am. where i come from. i play with the other children in class and laugh and sing. those are the worst times, because its only time playing a trick on you. when it comes back, it comes with a bang.
Remembering: http://purpleblueorange.blogspot.com/2004/10/shadows-of-sun.html
so there i was, walking through a crowd of stranger, smile and nods at hand, to be dispensed, exchanged, like loose change. Suddenly, I see you appear, looming like a giant over the gold painted organ. I started to take a picture, before I knew what I was doing, in excitement, to send home to you, when suddenly I remembered, you've left me and gone back home, to your palace, with organs and blue tiled rooms.
So I recollect myself, and wind my the thoughts back up and place them in my other palm, and stuff it in my pocket. And when I pull it out again, bring out a smile and some silly question and paste it.
Sometimes the best way to stop people asking what you're thinking, is to keep them talking about what they are thinking. Other times, the only way is to distract them with something else you, quite easily, might have been thinking.
The walls of the fortress are high. The sentries parade non-stop, on the bare, forbidding walls. Inside its cold and bleak. Outside, its sun and flowers. Inside, just nothingness grows. And at the heart of it all, is the museum.
i often wonder who 'most people' go to when they feel desperate. Do they feel desperate. this strange rush, that barbie call 'the exam exam feeling' ... funny but apt. ur cant define it. or pin it down. this is not madcap calling. this is u knowing u fucked up big time and there is no recall. the dead have died, and the lost are gone.
its my own fault. i didnt know my own mind. I never usually listen to anyone. I am polite, and sweet. I am too lazy too argue. But I usually go do my own thing anyway. Atleast eventually. Thing is, noone but me ever had the full facts. so noone but me can make the right decision, however older, wiser, smarter they are. But sometimes I forget that. The decision seems to big and I panic and listen to what people say. And later, I regret. I feel a little resentful, but I know thats not fair, because if someone told you something, they thought it was for the best. But still, the heart doesnt listen to logic, sometimes.
there's no poison more potent than guilt. and regret. now, that the shock of losing you, and the weight of knowing its for good, has settled into this unfeeling numbness, I miss the bitter sharpness of the pain. Sometimes.
sometimes i forget. what i am. where i come from. i play with the other children in class and laugh and sing. those are the worst times, because its only time playing a trick on you. when it comes back, it comes with a bang.
Remembering: http://purpleblueorange.blogspot.com/2004/10/shadows-of-sun.html
so there i was, walking through a crowd of stranger, smile and nods at hand, to be dispensed, exchanged, like loose change. Suddenly, I see you appear, looming like a giant over the gold painted organ. I started to take a picture, before I knew what I was doing, in excitement, to send home to you, when suddenly I remembered, you've left me and gone back home, to your palace, with organs and blue tiled rooms.
So I recollect myself, and wind my the thoughts back up and place them in my other palm, and stuff it in my pocket. And when I pull it out again, bring out a smile and some silly question and paste it.
Sometimes the best way to stop people asking what you're thinking, is to keep them talking about what they are thinking. Other times, the only way is to distract them with something else you, quite easily, might have been thinking.
The walls of the fortress are high. The sentries parade non-stop, on the bare, forbidding walls. Inside its cold and bleak. Outside, its sun and flowers. Inside, just nothingness grows. And at the heart of it all, is the museum.
Back Home Again
This was when I moved away from here. So much has changed since then. Hell, everything has changed since then. It was the time when life fell apart. I look at some people, they go through pain and hurt and they talk about it so easily, and then they feel better and they get on with life. I wish I could do that. I would want to but I couldnt get the words out.
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
Originally Posted at Prerona.
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Back Home Again
This was when I moved away from here. So much has changed since then. Hell, everything has changed since then. It was the time when life fell apart. I look at some people, they go through pain and hurt and they talk about it so easily, and then they feel better and they get on with life. I wish I could do that. I would want to but I couldnt get the words out.
...
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
...
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
Hello Stranger
So I've lost you again
Its my own stupid fault
I should never have come away
Stayed home and on gaurd
Now ur floating again
In ur clouds of purple haze
My sweet little child
I look at you and wonder
What is it I want
From and for you, anyway
Then you'll say again
You're grown up and sane
More than me anyway
Yeah!
Right
Thing is, she said she made you for me
My little dollie
Now ur all messed up and getting dirty
I want my baby clean
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Its my own stupid fault
I should never have come away
Stayed home and on gaurd
Now ur floating again
In ur clouds of purple haze
My sweet little child
I look at you and wonder
What is it I want
From and for you, anyway
Then you'll say again
You're grown up and sane
More than me anyway
Yeah!
Right
Thing is, she said she made you for me
My little dollie
Now ur all messed up and getting dirty
I want my baby clean
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Hollow
the melted copper moon
trickles down the black night
and gathers in a puddle
on the floor
in a corner
of my room.
i test a tear,
and wonder if its too soon.
in the darkness,
the minutes march
marking time
as it slips away.
somewhere, you wander too.
i wonder, where are you?
there's a place
by the sea.
black stone walls
strewn around.
there is spray,
dancing in a moonbeam
and the silence of darkness,
full and heavy in my hand.
i remember the feel
of gravelly wet sand.
i remember the rythms of waves
the rise and swell and fading away.
once again, without you i'm hollow.
though toys come and toys go,
though you hold my hand, my heart is empty,
still, incomplete, a windblown leaf.
a windblown leaf
that cud have been beautiful
had it in not been stolen,
and frozen, by the wind
floats and dances and swirls in the breeze
and comes and falls in ur palm.
entranced, u smile. ur fingers curl.
dont move! dont crush it. its dry from the cold and time.
and dont open ur hands and let it fall
trickles down the black night
and gathers in a puddle
on the floor
in a corner
of my room.
i test a tear,
and wonder if its too soon.
in the darkness,
the minutes march
marking time
as it slips away.
somewhere, you wander too.
i wonder, where are you?
there's a place
by the sea.
black stone walls
strewn around.
there is spray,
dancing in a moonbeam
and the silence of darkness,
full and heavy in my hand.
i remember the feel
of gravelly wet sand.
i remember the rythms of waves
the rise and swell and fading away.
once again, without you i'm hollow.
though toys come and toys go,
though you hold my hand, my heart is empty,
still, incomplete, a windblown leaf.
a windblown leaf
that cud have been beautiful
had it in not been stolen,
and frozen, by the wind
floats and dances and swirls in the breeze
and comes and falls in ur palm.
entranced, u smile. ur fingers curl.
dont move! dont crush it. its dry from the cold and time.
and dont open ur hands and let it fall
Byron: The God of Words
Could I embody and unbosom now
That which is most within me, could I wreak
My thoughts upon expression, and thus throw
Soul, heart, mind, passions, feelings, strong or weak,
All that I would have sought, and all I seek,
Bear, now, feel, and yet breathe into one word,
And that one word were Lightning, I would speak;
But as it is, I live and die unheard,
With a most voiceless thought, sheathing it as a sword.
forgot to mention that all 3 of these are fro childe harolds (what else)
i dislike poetry & other pointless things in general, but those that i like, i love
lately been thinking of henry and june, think will buy me the dvd. i miss half.com :( & i miss my dvdrental thing. Been thinking of moving back to Ricercar, lately. Will slow or close this house down.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
That which is most within me, could I wreak
My thoughts upon expression, and thus throw
Soul, heart, mind, passions, feelings, strong or weak,
All that I would have sought, and all I seek,
Bear, now, feel, and yet breathe into one word,
And that one word were Lightning, I would speak;
But as it is, I live and die unheard,
With a most voiceless thought, sheathing it as a sword.
forgot to mention that all 3 of these are fro childe harolds (what else)
i dislike poetry & other pointless things in general, but those that i like, i love
lately been thinking of henry and june, think will buy me the dvd. i miss half.com :( & i miss my dvdrental thing. Been thinking of moving back to Ricercar, lately. Will slow or close this house down.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Silverknowes, Edinburgh
DSC01978
Originally uploaded by prerona.
The morn is up again, the dewy morn,
With breath all incense, and with cheek all bloom,
the clouds away with playful scorn,
And living as if earth contain'd no tomb,
And glowing into day: we may resume
The march of our existence: and thus I,
Still on thy shores, fair Lemon! may find room
And food for meditation, nor pass by
Much, that may give us pause, if ponder'd fittingly.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Calcutta Dreaming
DSC03930
Originally uploaded by prerona.
Not in those climes where I have late been straying,
Though Beauty long hath there been matchless deem'd;
Not in those visions to the heart displaying
Forms which it sighs but to have only dream'd,
Hath aught like thee in truth or fancy seem'd:
Nor, having seen thee, shall I vainly seek
To paint those charms which varied as they beam'd —
To such as see thee not my words were weak;
To those who gaze on thee what language could they speak?
will probably change this picture; but which wud i chose to say how beautiful
she is? maybe gentle people, with flowers in their hair. still water, pushing up the sun as it rises? long empty streets? time that has lived there so very long, history frozen, beauty so hidden, so obscure, so abstruse ... awww damn. come, december!
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Pinochio: Becoming Real
at first, he can just think of how beautiful she is and how nice it feels. then, when the blue fairy gets mad and mean, he shivers in fear and from the cold while she rages away. she reminds him of Geppetto's hammers and saw. but he did realise that she was probably more upset than him, he was just shit scared. which probably made it worse. and he thought, life had been so much simpler when he was simply non living
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Originally Posted at Prerona.