friday morning blues

i met up with juls after ages. i used to be a monster, now ive become a snake. the more ilove you - the more ill treat u like shit. grin. its a test. its a rodeo. its a scorp thing :) i almost didnt go over ... so much laziness??? no ... i was just tired. so tired. as usual. anyway, came back at 9 from work. went over to juls' at 11. co-bashed adit on the phone. he didnt come. dog. trying to meet him for breakfast tomorrow! good god. lets see. spoke to brat. spoke to chatts. met ad. met juls. will that give me a chance? maybe. lets see. with adit, i talked. for the first time since i came back i talked to someone about everything. but even chatts, even ad - dont know it all. i need to talk to them. i need them. im lost in the fog in side me. im stumbling in the darkness within me. i know it doesnt matter but it still hurts. he hurt me so much. u hurt me so much. u were my friend. i trusted you more than ive ever trusted a stranger from the other world. but u were from the other world after all. its for the best. such friendships would never work. u would think me to intense whenever i dropped the mask of dumb jokes and smart puns. and i would think u too shallow. but it hurts. u were my friend. and i loved you. like f mad ... anyway - its alright - its ok. ill be fine. theres no one really. if u want to reach out, theres no one there. no one that matters. no one who wouldnt make u feel like saying shutup and leave me alone its none of ur f business. so its wrong to say noone cares - isnt it. its just that the right people dont care ... or that i cant reach them. cant come out and say this is what the matter is. :)

but what the hell ... its a weekend!
eat, sleep and be merry!

im also toying with the idea of closing the blog. its not about the fact that i churn out mindless drivel, but about the publicity factor. and it about how bad i am at keeping this non personal. almost as bad as i am at geting personal in real life ;)

the sleep in ur voice
pulls at strings, i didnt know existed
u make me feel
soft and tender, and raw
in places i didnt never visited, or known
in dark back alleys, of my soul

but the sleep in ur voice
drags on heart
makes me wanna rub my hands
on my heart
to take away the funny feeling

and im distracted
from what ur saying

all i wanna do i hold you
and snuggle up with you

but ur so far away
lost in unreachable tomorrows and yesterdays ...

and im stuck here
in a land of ghosts and shadows, i couldnt leave if i wanted to
cz im one of them too

so i nod my head sharply
and hope im make the right noises
and tell u everything will be ok

but its strange how it felt
when i spent the last week thinking

how its all pointless after all
and that i never feel anything at all

a phantom of my imagination
or are you someone real, somewhere

give me a clue, how do i find you,
or do i give up? Im tired ...