Friendship, Or Something Like It

i have a huge number of intimate friends, contradictory as it may sound. by an intimate friend i mean anyone that i love and who i know loves me. from these people, i take a lot of shit, and i give a lot too, most of it in the simple form of emotional time sharing, sometimes I just dissapear, go underground, unless they reach me, and need me for some genuine problem, i wont be available. i might even be cruel. specially if they are being sweet and mushy. the more so, the more irritating i will find them - its just a matter of control - how long i can fake it - and i can fake a lot for these people. why bother, cz these are people i am fond of and who are fond of me. they are not necessarily people who know me very well, or my ways, they dont have the code. they dont know what means what when. so, like a tourist in a foreign land, you have to be careful how you communicate, in order to be sure you are getting the right message across. sometimes there is no translation. except for chatts, sauce, addy, jinx and perhaps munal, i dont think there's anyone in who's terms i could translate "i do love u but i dont want to talk right now, or smile, or be 'cheered up' - pls leave me alone", "or i loveyou - but i cant tell you who i am or what i'm thinking" or "i love you - but i just cant f accept that u did that - u disgust me" - ironically, these wouldnt apply to them, or havent, till now.

anyway, i totally digress ... i was meaning to say, i have all these people i am close to and normally, i will forgive them anything. they say a scorpio never forfives. thats true. we dont know or understand what that means. so i guess with these people i dont let anything they do matter or count: just who they are or what they are to me. however, there is one thing i CANT ever forgive, in anyone ... and that is if i catch you talking behind my back about me ... even if it is about how i love coffee but hate instant ... i will be hurt. which means i will never be able to forgive. which means as of that moment i wont love you anymore. which means that if u were dying at my feet i wouldnt feel anything. nothing. as far as i am concerned you dont exist. i have switched off for very few people, but when i do its absolute and irrevokable. and u are hung without a trial, in a way, bcz all lines of communication are closed and you cant get through to get ur explanations through. ur dead. for me.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

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