For the not dying

everywhere,
they are talking about it.
my blood stirs a little,
i feel an urge to add my 2 bits,
share the things i've thought, and seen
and learned.

then i remember and i feel,
the urge and verve ,
slip away.

when u went away,
with the black crow,
that flew till it filled the sky.
u took away my last links,
and pretensions,
to being one of them.
the face behind the masks dissolved,
in that one tear.

why did u make me,
and like this.
and then leave me,
and like this.
with nothing left behind,
not even the right to cry.

how do i dare mourn you,
my dead?
how do i dare,
say i care?
how can i mourn you,
i'm dead.
how do i dare,
even say i loved you.
cz i never lived my love,
so now you, my love, lie dead.

i fold away the memories
with mothballs, and oldclothes
the woollies u knit me
and him, to match
and he calls u names.
yet again.
i darent even cry.
yet again.

look, love, he's calling u back
i dared not even call you back
i dared not even cry out loud

u brought me up to be good to them
but u never taught me to stand up to them
so when u went away, trailing long black hair
and clouds of white cotton
that i clung to
you shook me off
u wont take me
just whatever had been alive
u took the best with u
whatever of the patchwork-me that was urs
the best patches.