Missing someone hits me in sharp stabs: like a kick in the stomach; and I dont even know who or what it really is! Maybe it hits hardest when I am tiredest. Been in the lab since 6 in the morning, and its going on 2 the next morning.
I wish I had some sort of self control. I stave it off for a while, but the minute I am done with work, the thoughts come rushing in, right back in.
When so many fine things are laid, if it not more, upon my table, why indeed do I only want the things that I cant have? and why indeed can i not have them? damn. I want what I want and I want it now!
Sometimes I feel mad because I just cant understand whats going on. Sometimes life seems to tease. It gets just so close and stops. Sometimes it feels like life is trying to tell me something. Sometimes life seems to like me, sometimes maybe I just over-read the signs ...
And does it matter either way? If life didnt, if life was fuck-all-crap, would I not want it? I dunno. So far even in my moments of deepest horrible-ness, I have still wanted life passionately. Till now. Even now I do. I just wish I didnt. Wish I didnt want it So Damn Much.
Now everything is changing. Suddenly, everything is changing. The fabric of everything I was is slipping out of my hands. Or maybe everything I was trying to be, or wanted to. Like sheets being drawn off stone, and I stand here exposed, closer to being me than ever before ... raw, live, unedited: foolish, childish, selfish, friendly, shy, hesitant, alive, dead, excited, jaded, tired ... tired, more than anything else.
Can one little 'thing' change so much for me? I feel like my life, my goals, my meanings, my values, everything has been turned over. And its only then that you notice that thats the one little 'thing' thats not for the having. Damn thing. Damn life. Damn me.
Can one little 'thing' change so much? And something that I never even really had? Only in my dreams. And what technicolour dreams. ('Thing' would, ofcourse, at this point say, "did you know dreams arent really in colour at all". Yes. I did. I'm not that dumb.)
It wasnt for the having at all. What a waste. What a lovely beautiful waste. It could have been so perfect.
Someone had once said to me, 'from you I learned about universal and unconditional love'. Thats not true. So often my love is tainted. Dirty with wanting. If I only loved, I would be happy, but I want. I dont know what i want, but I want ...
Its not fair. Life walks to you and says you can have everything, and just when you atlast find something you could have wanted, before you even have a chance to know if you really do, life says '... except for that ...'
I'm tired of being 3rd best. I'm tired of coming in the runners up. I'm tired of missing by just this much. I'm tired of always counting the money, the hours, the smiles, the amount I was friendly and hope it wasnt too b much to piss someone off.
I want to sit under the stars and eat sandwiches, I want to lie on the grass in the sun, I want to run and laugh and play, and I want to find out if you tickle. I want to know your deepest fears, I want to tell you mine, and I want you to want to know. I want to pull ur leg about stupid things, I want to flirt and joke and mock fight, I want to patch up. I want to hear your voice, whenever I want to hear your voie. I want to be able to see your face, reach out and touch, see your eyes shine, find out how it would feel to hold your hand. I want to hear you snoring again, I want to go to sleep again, knowing you are nearby, but nearer still. I want to wake up with you again, spend long lazy sundays, doing our own lazy things, all those silly stupid dreams, I had ever dreamed, I want them all to come true. I want to run, I want to fly, I want to run away from wanting so much ...
And just when I think I am done; just when I think I am over it all; you smile that way again. Just when I think I am done with you, your voice rings out again. Damn life! Life teases everyday. Just when I think I am ready to pack up, it gets me right in again.
But I guess by and by it will get better. Its only just a little something. By and by. give it time. it will pass. Its only just a little nothing.
And then there are times when I think I should just say it. Whats the worst that could happen. lol. Quite a lot. For the first time in my life, I think half a loaf is better than none. and I guess, if I give it time, it will pass ...
Its just that, there's that little something in my head, which keeps wondering, what if. I'm tired of pretending. Guessing. Playing games. I wonder what if ...
guess we'll never know.
Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the scardest of them all? and i guess we'll never know, who's the scarder of us two ...
I dont know what I want anymore. I just want to go to sleep. I always got defensively angry when people said 'ur confused'. But now I know I am. So sue me. I'm f tired and confused and sick and bored of being 'good' and 'pc' and walking on eggshells all the f time. And trying not to hurt noone. And I'm tired of trying not to say f. I'm tired of being miss goody two shoes. And I'm tired of being miss contrary.
Guess I'm tired of being me ...
Incidentally, newly-proudly-philistine me is reading a work of fiction again. Been so long ... a room with a view. Damn. I thought I kicked that one. One by one I pick up flaws like typos from a wanna be perfect endless work in progress, and work them out. Soon, I wont know myself. I already dont know myself. I feel like I have come so far from who I was. I miss myself again. I wanna be me again.
