"Rahi na taqat-e-guftaar, Aur agar ho bhi, toh kis ummeed se kahiye ke aarzoo kya hai"

Whenever i run out of words, i come back to Ghalib. He's just said it all. Outside, its an almost full moon. The air is just cool enough to be crisp. Part of me was worried about coming back here, out in the cold again, but its fine; uptil now. Like the man on the roller-coaster, I keep bracing for the lurch just round the corner, but it never comes. Life swerves, and twists, and squeezes, but at night when you close your eyes, your fine.

I have an awful habit, disguised as a blessing. If I have to be somewhere, my mind will talk itself into thinking I love it; and I would have hated it any other way. At first glance, thats great, bcz it keeps you satisfied. However, the self deception is so complete, that I actually forget I liked any other place. I had forgotten how social I am. I thought I hated company. Now I know I am crazy about it. I appreciate my solitude, yes; but I'm crazy about people; I still have to figure out how to deal with them, however.

Like babies. I'm crazy about them, but I am awful with them. Give me a baby and I'll make it cry. With every new person I meet, I keep worrying if I'm being to friendly. Its okay with strangers in a train, or at a busstop, or at the water cooler (yes I have so many friends I made that way), but its harder with people who you meet all the time. How do you know when you're coming on to strong? Does it matter if they really like you? People have always been far nicer to me than I have deserved. Sometimes it makes me feel a bit like a fraud. A bit incredulous, perhaps.

I wrote to all the clubs I wanted to join. I think I'll give the rowing a skip for a while. I've done that for so long, maybe try something new. Thats the best part about being a student again, right? I'd love to play rugby again. Properly this time. I doubt I'd be able to, though. I want to start running again, but there's hardly anytime. I love the golf, but its not enough, somehow. If the mountaineering club works, it would be amazing, but I saw the pics on the website and it looks awfully hard. I did join the CogSoc and I will join the Philophy Soc

Originally uploaded by prerona.

Ever noticed how sometimes we get sad without a reason? Maybe there is a reason but its hiding in some dark corner of your head. I had a big pruple wave building up for the last few days. It kept coming at me and getting bigger and bigger as it approached. Then after a while, it just falls off. Maybe its like the moisture gathers and gathers till it gets too heavy and just rains down on you. Or sometimes its the smallest of things that can set it off. Gtalk, for instance :)

Sometimes the words and feelings grow heavy inside you and there's nowhere you could, or could bear to, take it out. Sometimes, your just light and airy like a fluffy white cloud; filled with rain waiting to happen; but glowing in the sunlight, for now. Sometimes, you desperately want to talk, but you tick of everyone you know in ur head and there's just noone that fits both bills. Perhaps I am just too possesive about myself. Why do we take ourselves so seriously? One lifetime ... its so fleeting in the scale of things. We live, breed, die. Who the f cares what great thoughts we thought or what we achieved. And yet we are so hungry for heights. Like the song goes, eto chaoa niye kotha jai?

My hair is all falling out. Whats left has totally freaked out too. I miss my hair. I miss my brains too, though I can almost not remember that far back now. But jokes apart, I miss reading. I mean fiction. With so many papers and notes to read, I find I barely read anymore. I was reading an old old mb, which I do when I really need a break from serious stuff, and I have been reading it for the last 2 weeks! I usually finish them in one sitting! Last decent book I read was God of Small Things and it blew my mind. One of the blurbs on the cover I think said something like 'never again will a single story be told like its the only one'. Very Roarkesq. But it was a bit like that. Maybe its killed my appetite for crap. I have a craving to reread Steppenwolf. It would be interesting to see how I'd feel about it now. Another one I have been missing, is the hours, one of the favourites.

I havent been listening to much music, either. 2 bands I discovered and have just gone crazy about are Live and Fossil. Specially the latter. So lately, I've just been listening to 'Dekho Manabi' and I'm still hung up on 'O Saathi Re'. But with the latter, I dont know if its just the song, or the whole 'dream'.

Sometimes I think this blog is slowing down, growing old. I hardly get the words I used to. I dont like this kind of post. Which is not to say anything bad about this kind of post (why am i so pc all the time?) but its just that I dont enjoy reading them when I come back later. So I usually delete them. I only keep the ones I enjoy coming back to. Maybe thats really selfish, but I think its okay.

Originally Posted at Prerona.

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