dreaming again

been wanting to write about someone for a long time. a girl i know. my moms friends kid ... but it will be so long ... and so much effort. feeling lazy! im amazed at how much i can sleep! i will. someday. soon ...

feeling a bit lost ...
for the last 7 to 8 odd years my studies and my work has been the only life ive had. i mean ive had major happennings happening in my personal life - obviously ... but my work was all i really gave a shit about

for 5 years i was outside looking in. i loved T with a passion i have never felt for anything or anyone else. for the last 3 yrs - from inside - T was the be all and end all of my existence

now suddenly I feel a 7 yr itch. i feel a strange feeling ... of dissatisfaction. of wanting other things ... of dreaming of other things. all blame to mamta and anirban ... the brat pack ... they set me dreaming impossible dreamz

but it would'nt work and its too late. im not like that. im a mechanic. a mistri type ... gaonwalla type ... i cant do art and literature. best left to ping and pong dreaming grassy dreamz on the chhatta. and im better off where I am ... if im not careful ... ill be the star of the revival of the bird in hand bird in bush story ... nowhere ...

but vani once said - when we were still young and alive - that u cant become who you want to be by staying who you are ... she drew me a rainbow ... or she drew someone else a rainbow and sent it to me. vani. my only real friend of those 4 years ... she'd said she'll mail everyday ... but i knew she wont. and i also knew it wont matter ... because she is a friend. its a concept beyond geography & time and mails and calls and current news ... its a way of being ... and she is.

i remember the abandonded temple in the woods where we used to go to to sit and chat. someone asked me recently if i missed college. i thought of the temples. and a huge orange moon hung way down low ... one evening when i went to call you from ur pg's place. i dont miss college. but i have some very fond memories. for all of my yesterdays -thats true.