its a new year

season of introspection and retrospect
ive been actually off the blog for sometime
and virtually off it for way longer
what I mean, is that the blog
had become like one of those friends I care about and keep in touch with
but talk to in auto pilot mode
more for the sake of keeping in touch and making sure they are doing ok
than out of any desire for or any intention of self revelation
internal turmoils are kept locked in the upstairs bedroom during those times
like unpredicatable dogs when guests are at home
sometimes their barks and whines filter through, though muffled
and some guests see and recognise and are perhaps perturbed and uncomfortable
but I am helpless - I have lost the key ...

anyhow, I digress
I have been doing a lot of driving and a lot of thinking
that I can try to control and suppress my typical scorpio way of
"u r mine body mind and soul or I dont want anything at all"
but I have not yet accomplished the art of casual friendships
here again gone again - come here go away people
are best handled with care from a distance

i need to learn that it doesnt matter
u dont have to win everything u attempt
u can let somethings go
jinx once said that u must let people love u in their own way - it stayed with me
and I want to try and understand that too
i miss him so much. so fucking much
him and munal

I have learned that I may have thought that I have tamed and disciplined myself
to fit in and to be conventional and propah and subdued
but theres still a long way to go in achieving it
and moreover I dont even know if its so much worth it, anymore
it doesnt matter if 15 people think ur a bitch-past-compare if 2 know ur not
or better still that u are but it doesnt matter
i dont know what Im really saying - I got muddled up
but I want to understand myself a bit more
right now - I dont have a clue

another thing I realised
I dont have a single friend anymore ... not in that way ... not in the old way ... without buts without conditions -
just "this is who I am and fuck you if you cant undertand it" as the memorable (?) line from almost famous went

Im moving the blog back to where it originally used to be ... and with it I will try to move it back to the way it used to be and forget that anyone actually reads it :)