I have friends
I have good friends
I have family
I have those I love and those who love me
I have some near, some far, some reachable some lost

But you know what?
Everytime ur down & out & broken & dying of feeling bad
Each time I feel that I want to roll into a ball and get into a hug & howl till I cant even tweak a brain cell any more
then there is no one, ever.

Or there is ... but they will ask so many questions it gonna feel like the spanish-I
then they will try to follow up
or they will lecture or tell you how silly ur being till u wanna shout out f@^&*g murder

And if they catch you doing it more than once or twice they'll crib about how ur always depressed or always crying ....

Oh Jeez ... no thanx ... I d rather go it alone

So moral of the story is when ur as weird as I am
When ur needs & ur reqts are as complex and contradictory as mine generally are,
You are always always alone, whether the number of people around you are 1 or 100 or none
Atleast when ur actually alone u dont have to keep worrying about anyone else and pretend to be cheerful and make pc ...

I dreamt of my best pal Jinx last night
It was a beautiful dream
I was the co ordinator for some egroup, and for some strange reason that involved being in "biplab da's" bus (my good old school bus)
with loads of terribly grown up people (I think they were tcs ers). And he kind of popped in and said something like "oh I just wanted to chk out how she is doing. she is my best pal, you know" or something to that effect, apparently it was a Big Deal to be a "moderator" in my dream, specially for females & so my jinx was just dutifully expressing his awe & pride ... is that weird or is it weird

Why are our dreams so strange? Two days back I dreamt of these two (very alive) friends of mine, except that in my dreams they were both dead and one had become a HORSE!!! A haunted horse, no less. Everyone was terrified of him & he was "calling me". Anyway then the other friend turns into alok (ya, I guess he Had to come in somewhere) and then I dont remember what happened.

I chatted with a friend yesterday after a whole week. This may not seem very long but I used to talk to him every day so it felt "odd" :)
Today I lost & subsequently refound my pay chk
I cant pay my rent in time perhaps bcz 2mrw there will be no money in my bank and tomorrow is the last day
Work is ... well I cant say it very decently, so we will leave it out of this
No car, no money, no license, no brains ... and exams a month away ....
I guess its one of those phases when I should hide under the bed just not get out till its passed :)

I want my mommy ... I really wanna go to my mommy :(