You'll never know how much that hurt, hopefully. Even I didnt know, till this evening, when I started to tell someone about it, casually, in the course of conversation. Like it wasnt a big deal. Ofcourse, it is. It's potentially devastating. It will hurt like hell when I come alive. Right now, thankfully, I'm Comfortable Numb.
I guess I had been balanced on the edge. We were at CCD and a young girl went up to the jukebox and played Comfortably Numb and I broke down. It was the first album you bought with your own money; and I had shamelessly whacked it; a Sony cassette. I was still studying, in Pune.
Things kept coming back in a sequence of snapshots, and I coulnt hold it back. Like the collection of photographs of you guys I carry with me around the world, setting them up in each new home I set up. In the bong class Class 3, Outside Lawrence Hall, The basketball court, Nursery Park, The Park Street Cemetery, handling PR for your wounded best friends and then handling PR for your wounded boyfriends, Frantic day trips to Blore and Pune, the auto, the drawing room of your old house, the drawing room of your new house, your voice saying walking back from school on a rainy day, you shouting Fatts you bitch, cross names on the old wooden desks, Sauce, Chatts, Fatts ... its been 21 years. Our friendship has come of age.
God, it feels like hell. I never thought we will dim to the ordinary, other people-ness. I thought we will always be 'Us'. Yet Ady had said, long ago, remember Pre, life is not F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I'd thought him a fool. What a fool I was.
When Sauce left, I knew it was goodbye. Thats why it never hurt me the way it hurt you later, as it died. I had said my goodbyes. That's why I was crying that night. You remember? But you, I didnt notice you slipping. I didnt see it coming. I thought, thats the way we are. We dont need everyday, I ate an icecream today updates and ever renewable contacts.
Anyway, maybe it will hurt someday. Now, its just another feather on the Camels back. Far from the last. But without you, or the knowledge of you, it will be hard. For a moment it feels like its such a big world, and such a long life, and we are so alone. I was always happy being essentially a loner, because of you. I thought you guys were always there, would always be there, always; but this year, come fall, it will be a year since I learned that we are all essentially alone, seperate, individual people. Islands, swimming along the river of life ... and its ok. its just another feather ... so light. I'm comfortably numb.
Originally Posted at Prerona.