Losing

at times it builds up gradually
starting with a slow spreading helplessness
then catching to fast spreading burning rage
you are trying very hard to ignore it,
but its like a snarling dog,
that you have dragged away with
a heavy iron chain round the neck
to the bedroom, at the back of the house.
you have locked him in, for now.
but slowly his barking, his demonic teeth gnashing,
his horrible cursing howls,
seep out through the crack under the door
and attack your ears, grate ur nerves,
threaten ur sanity, ur life, ur whole being,
and worst of all, ur focus on this moment, on behaving,
like nothing is happening.

sometimes it comes like a kick in the gut
in the centre of your stomach
where your its softest,
and gentlest.
sudden. sharp. hard.
so that someone seeing you from the outside
doesnt see any blood at all.
sudenly you just double up,
while they watch in innocent awe.
ur breath just goes
ur senses go
for a moment its like u were ducked under water
then it passes.
u hold still a while,
then go on again eyes still a little wet
but controlled, for all appearences

sometimes it comes,
like the fog comes down on sea salt,
and leaves you in a puddle, on the floor,
yeah - like in the james bond song.

its such a far away land
where people go to when they leave you
you want to run after them but the head start is too big
too clow to react, as usual
before i knew what was happening,
u were gone ...
the little lame boy
is left crying in the street
spoilt now, for town
for life, and for him

at other times theres no pain
just a emptyness
that i hope wont fade
i hold on
to every tear
desperately
the last traces of you
in my life

u dont love me anymore?
so they say ...
how do i belive you
how do i go on?
everything, poor substitute
like you'had once said
how do i ...
slate my hunger
with plain still water

what am i writing about?
how do i learn,
to live without you
where do i find
meaning in anything i do
or dont
when it was all for you
theres nothing left
that matters
everything the hold up
as sorry excuses, substitutes
so sorry
want to fling them to the floor
how dare someone hold themselves in ur place
and say live for me?

dont want to live for anyone
dont want to go on anymore

dont want to get past this blow
of losing you again

dont want to lose my grip
on the cutting sense of guilt

its the last trace of you i have
left now in my world

dont take the pain away
dont take the rage away