God, Destiny, Soul ... whatever you call It. It. It moves in strange ways. i remember a time when seething in one of my famous r.b.t. rages i stuck out my tongue at a framed picture i had on my desk. i thought it was the end of the world. nothing could be worse. nothing could ever matter again going forward. i cried and i cried till i threw up. ill never forget ... i stood in the middle of my bedroom, with the non stop rain outside, held the post on the bed, and i cried. from the bottom of my stomach. i wish i could tell you, "but later after sometime had passed i realised it had all been for the best and i was thankful to It and Its divine vision". but nothing as corny. it wasnt the end of the world. and it wasnt the last time it happened. it went on. and other things came. worse, more terrible things. and after some time i was too tired to cry. too tired to care. after sometime, you get used to the most unbearable of things. time. the sharpest of pains dulls with its passage. its just shock, not grief that gets you so badly. once you get used to it, its a bit easier. now i can even laugh when i think of it. i can see the funny side ... just think! all i ever wanted had been to come to this country. and its in this country that i met the two people who first taught me to hate. first taught me that there are bad people and good people. evil people. the two men i hate most in my life. the two lowest dirtiest men in the world. it sounds funny. dramatic. corny. and i laugh.
moving on
i think that things cant be good all the time. most of the times things will be ordinary. boring? restful. regular. there'll be a few times when we will be happy, ecstatic, satisfied, excited, grateful, proud. loved, cherished. laughing, cheerful. sated. friendly, welcome, kind, generous, caring. some of the time we will be unhappy, devastated, restive, betrayed, cheated, let down, hurt, bored, illtreated, beaten, beaten-up, trapped, used. slapped full in the face. humiliated. embarressed. sometimes life will treat us fair sometimes it will be unfair. sometimes we will get more than we could ever give. sometimes we will get abuses for the smallest mistakes where we got nothing for all we gave. sometimes it will happen that the people you loved and cared for. fed. looked after. will turn around and tell us that we were just using them. because you stopped giving just one time. bcz people cant take as much as you give. they want more. they want everything. they want u. they want ur soul. sometimes you will be loved. for no reason. totally. completely. someone will be your friend. even if for a moment. unexpectedly. you will be succesfull. you will win. sometimes you will win. most of the times you will lose. in some ways you will be an idiot. in a few ways you will be brilliant. ull screw up. ull be good. the point is, in the end it all evens out. "nothing really matters". whatever it is will be compensated. somewhere sometime, down the chain. when i was in the US it would sometimes happen that i put some coins in the vending machine but nothing happen. id get mad enough to kick the machine. bloody chor. but 3 or 4 times i went to get a pkt of chips and i got two instead (bcz they would get stuck in the rings that way)
balance
there are times when i hurt. im hit. im down on my knees. broken. but then something bigger happens. to me or someone else and i come to know about it. to a child his parents divorce might seem like the end of the world. till his class mate loses his whole family in a car accident. it works in the reverse too. i knew this boy once who used to keep telling me that he had a devastating childhooh which he would never get over. he told me about it. and compared to our 'normal' childhoods. the kinds im used to ... i felt like laughing in his face. poor naiive little thing. he thinks that hurt! it depends on the angle in which you view the object. where your line of sight is coming from. or the time. when i have a toothache, it kills me. i feel crippled. i feel like i cant concentrate on anything else. ever. till this gets better. then i start reading something really good and suddenly i realise i had, for a stretch, forgotten all about my tooth. the tooth become the center of my body and my universe. at that time it feels like no other part of my body is that vulnerable to hurt. a headache is still bearable. a bad tummy is just a irritation. but a tooth. its overwhelming. but when i get a migraine, it all shifts ...
perspective
but whatever it is all this wisdom only comes after the fact. when the heat of feeling has cooled. when ur blue ur just blue. and nothing makes sense. and logic thrown at you then is just a pi the a. and all you want to do is throw it back at wiseguy's head!
