its too late and too futile to think about this now. but i keep thinking about him anyhow. about Praful. i wish there was some way I could let him know. I wish there was some way I could reach him. Or, even if I could, by some means, be certain ... certain that what she had told me was true ...
but what would i tell him if there was a way to get to him? what if the phone rang just now. what if i picked up the receiver, and in that old way of ours, just stayed silent a while ... waiting ... till one of us (both such restless imps, mashi used to say) burst out laughing. they were always being amazed at how we could still roll over laughing at the most trivial of things!
ma would say, "ete abaar eto haashbaar ki holo? toder baepaar torai jaanish"
coming back to the real world and true life ... what would I say to Praful today? would i say "Im sorry"? would i say "I waited ... even while I hated you, even while I told my self you had never cared ... that i imagined everything"? would i say "praful, im still waiting praful. u never said it but i never doubted it, or you. i knew we could only have been made for each other. i grew angry, impatient, sad, mad ... but whatever i felt whenever, i felt for you. i never turned away from you. till dactar maama called me last week and said, "guddi, ekla aashish. ektu kotha aachhe" and changed everything forever.
what would I say to Praful today? i waited for, but now i have to go?
Or maybe what she had told me was true ... he didnt just dissapear, or go away. praful is dead. and ill be with him soon.
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