what a horrible day! i think it brings you bad luck when ur friends r sad and they wont let you help :)
its funny that all day i think of a million things im dying to write about but when i sit here i cant get anything out ...
do u remember when we were kids we were just dying to grow up ...
all i could ever think was that im dying to get a job. be independant. i hated being dependant. even on my parents. i had a bank account and saved money. i walked out and dissapeared everytime someone got mad and said 'get out of here'. big time ego. big time temper. big time loneliness freak ... or so i thought
but now we are all grown up. we live alone. we earn our own money. we send money home. i support the person who was once my whole world ... how nice is it?
no friends. or atleast friends with so many 'buts'. when we were kids, if chatts was down i could poke her and plague her a dig dig dig till she got it out and was ok again. now if a friend is down all u can get in is a polite 'u doing ok'? and then u gotto let go and cross ur fingers.
cant stay at home. cant jump on baba's back (not w/o breaking it). cant throw fits. cant talk without keeping track of what ur syaing and if ur saying too much or if u just said something totally shocking. cant bitch w/o feeling guilty. cant foulmouth. cant sulk. cant cry. cant laugh too loudly. cant bunk work. cant go on holiday ...
cant chat with ur kid sister w/o feeling like u gotto sneak in a sneaky well disguised, well illustrated word of advice. cant tell anyone u wanna burst out crying cz u never know ... they might wanna too and if u start tehy wont and what kind of a friend will that make u? cant tell ur mom ur sick - cz she'll worry. and u feel guilty ... all the time, about everything, for everyone ... life is like one big "im sorry"! everything u do has a reason, has to be thought about before, has to be done keeping everyone and everything in mind
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