i should be cleaning up my computer, selling my things, shopping, packing,
winding up and closing accounts but I while my time ... downloading like
kazaa was going out of fashion, watching my netflix movies like im going to
die tomorrow (12 to 6 am ... triology by kieslowski), reading all i can and meeting
up with endless people and shopping and shopping and more shopping ....
we all are good at something. im good at "settling down"
whereever I have stayed for a couple of months, one of my three hostel rooms,
the shared flat, the unshared flat, my numerous relatives, my houses in dubai or cal or syria
its always a place people walk into and feel comfortable in
and I always get comments like "fatts ur room is so comfy man"
its always my place that has the kind of set up where people come
to steal books and go to sleep ... even when Im not home
thats all very nice. but what sucks is that it makes it hard for me
to pack up and go. and thanks my dads job and mine ... I have to packupandgo
a lot! all the time! it hurts. but issokay ... it will be exciting to be home again too!
what im gonna miss most about here? the friends id made,
the ease of staying alone ... or just the memories which held me here :)
Im decorating my life with memories of something that never was
its high time I let go. its always hard for me to let go ...
whether its a old tshirt i picked up from street,
any random scrap lines I wrote ... my diary bulges with writing on
toilet paper, napkins, even a leaf from shantiniketan
and a magazine cover torn out ... sometimes
when "it" grabs you in the middle of thye night
theres no other way to go back to sleep but write it
or a interesting stone i picked up on a beach somewhere,
or book, a melody, a poem, a movie, or a soul
but we must let go ...
what I am feeling a little sad(ish) for ... its something that never could be
that never was and that wouldnt work (atleast for me) even if it was ...
so whats the point in being blue. its gone now ...
atleast I had some semblence, some shadow of it for a while ...
and it was heaven, it was magic, it was music ... everytime! enough!
for this time, this lifetime, enough!
someone jokingly said to me recently that I was spoilt
well actually I am very spoilt. never been spoilt at home
but always been spolit by friends ... and 3 men ... most of all
kams, rahul (bhaiya) and acm ...
3 horrible grumpy, grouchy, mean, silent men ... who will rarely open
their mouths except to snap at you ... but if you can look
through that charade mask ... who will treat you like
a princess, a fairy, a spoilt little girl
its been a beautiful life
all in all. but the best is the friends ive known and loved
the richest are the gifts they gave
Today ... there are so many people in my life, there always were, but I guess the added cyber people are what really make it scary - whatever that maybe,
there are all these people - all of whom I like, care about and maybe even love a bit ...
what is this. how does this work. how do u live this model and still stay in control
am i drifting into a perfect man in many bodies phase
no way. id hate for that to happen.
have you ever felt that someone out there there is one person ... who is just right for you?
i have. always. someday somewhere ... maybe he will come around
have you ever thought that you had found such a person ... to find on closer scrutiny that they were not the one at all?
in one moment. crash down so much adulation and surity ... like the split second when fermina turns and see's florentino
did it ever haoppen to you many many times. and what did you do then? lied? walked? pitied? tried ...
is it only at the end that wewill understand what anything means at all? love, life, work, ambition ...
or ambition for life and love? but most of all ...
ourselves, our motives, the maps of the
dirty shabby, twisted, beautiful, fascinating inroads of our inner most souls
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