im not sure why it happens. or if it happens at all or I am imagining it all
when I was feeling numb and introspective and like a spectator to my mind ... i stumbled upon 'frieda'
when i was craving a movie where gays are not ridiculed i stumbled upon 'all over the man'
when i was torn by the past i stumbled upon 'magnolia' and '1000 acres'
and when i was dreamy again i hit upon serendipity
when i was wondering what it meant i found '100 years'
when i felt like a loser it gave me 'u've got mail' ("i know u feel like a big fat loser now but ...")
life chases u, it gives u surprise gufts when ur down and pushes u ahead when ur tired
it sends u clues and pointers when ur lost and confused.
everything, everyday is a clue, a test
serendipity blew my mind ...
is this life saying "it doesnt have to be this way"?
is thise lifes way of saying its okay to run away sometimes (hah! it shouldnt be saying that from me - the forever escapist the runway)
life is strange
who knows what tomorrow will bring
and today - its stuck in mires of unpleasant to humdrum-okay-ness-es ... with moments tucked in between here and there which sparkle and shine
is this what we want? is this enough?
do we want to live with people who make us want to throw up most of the time - bcz they cry when u try to run away
why cant we like those who like us, love those who love us, care for those who care for us?
all u want is to run ahead ... on a long wide clear road, lit up with sunshine and shadows interwoven, lined by trees, scattered with obstacles, cooled by lakes on the side of the road, burned by the pain in ur limbs as u move, chilled by the night winds, warmed by the morning sun. running, free. getting somewhere. getting closer and closer. but to what. and getting where. i dont know. away from people - from every one. a house. in a forest. with birds and dogs and tigers. wild lakes to swim in. patio's to dream on. balconies in which to walk in the moonlight. bottomless libraries. internet. all the movies u ever wanted. horses. and fish to watch on lazy summer afternoons.
is that what u wanted? no its not even that. then what? i dont know. but not this. that much i know.
i keep making the same mistakes again and again. i dont know if 'mistakes' is the correct word but I keep getting in the same situation repeatedly ... i knowingly willingly walk into these things and then im suffocated and trying to run.
but im going home. im going to my house and my dogs and my car again. my books. my music. my desk. everything ... its been a while. its been a long while. im glad. im not scared. how hard can it be? just open ur mouth shut ur ears ....... and say it! ;) get rid of the garbage that uve picked up on the way. springclean ur life of the trash.
wish i could ...
