skipped lunch again. i dont remember when my finances were last this bad. i guess i could find ways around it, but i just dont have the energy left. yeah - like with all this happening in my life, i even care ...

I went to the supermarket to buy envelopes and as I passed the pharmacy I thought, I wish there were some pills to stop you crying. You have pills that stop your nose fwatering, right? They dont 'fix' the ocold, but atleast you are presentable. un truc comme ca.

Im so tired (I have tiredness - you should try to think in the language you are learning). I am tired of people being such big *%$'s - and Im tired of still feeling sorry for them. Im tired of being torn between pity and repulsion, hatred and compassion. Im tired of her holding her death over my head like a hanging sword. Im tired of my longing to go back - and knowing that you can never go back to yesterday. Im tired of wanting my childhood - of not being able to move on. Im tired of his indifference, his caprice, his violent swings. Im tired of their telling me I shouldnt have come along. Im tired of her lies. Im tired of being torn between love, hatred, tenderness and guilt. Im tired of saying Im sorry - for things I didnt have any control over.

Im tired of being there for people when no one has ever been there for me. No - thats a lie. Im tired of feeling like a fool cz I try to always be there for people, when no one is there for me. But given a choice - I know Id do it anyway. Like the song, "dushmano o ke teer khaa ke dost o ke shaher mein, hum ne kis kis ko pukaara, ye kahaani, phir sahi. Dil ke lut ne ka sabab poochho na sabke saamne. Naam aaye ga tera bhi, ye kahaani phir sahi"

I want her to live. Is that so selfish? I know it is. but still I want it. I can work. I can sleep. I can smile. I can forget what a pathetic joke life is, I can forget everything and be happy ... ... knowing somewhere she is alive.


  1. I don't know what this is about, but you don't sound too good. Take care. Hope things will get better.

    And you know, people don't always show their gratitude, but that doesn't mean they aren't grateful.


  2. ill be fine. just letting off steam. yes i know people are grateful and they say it too. and its not that they dont want to give in return, but its partlty situational and partly me ... anyway i hope it will be better soon, too!

  3. you sound a bit like me. And I'm not saying people aren't grateful, but if they are they don't show it at all. I mean that really. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just here to make everyone feel better, but I have to be here for myself too because there isn't anyone around that can just be there for me and listen to me. I don't like to give up on anyone but I'm starting to feel it doesn't matter if people are there anymore I'll just do this on my own.