i have tried to not stand judgement on what people do or say or think (totally different things). I believe that we each move in a different orbits, in different reference frames. Each situation is unique. You CANT put yourself in someone's shoes, bcz he is standing in his shoes. Point is you dont know till you have actually been there and you werent. Anything might be right or wrong - it depends on a lot of things, which i believe, cant ever be exhaustively taken into account.
Anyway, who are we to cast the first stone? I dont think there's any amongst us who has never done wrong. And if you want to rate sins along a scale ... how do you judge whats more or less. It comes to the same thing again.
As usual, I digress. What I started out with saying was, I try not to judge. Instead, but I do try to visualise, to understand the logic of the situation, to figure out how and why people do the things they do. And after having watched 3 suicides - of which one was succesful, I could still never 'understand' it - really get into the skin the person ... or to put it very literally - I could never imagine not wanting to live anymore. A bit like those women you hear of who can get to the brink but never fall off the edge ... Ive had been there but could never cross the threshold of attachment. I have waded into the sea in the moonlight, but always stopped. Ive not cut deep enough ... never had the nerve to make the final cut
But suddenly that too fell into place. Now I understand. Its like playing a game. At the beginning, you know you are going to be bad at it, you expect it. So you laugh at your failure, your ineptitude and carry on trying. Slowly the laughter turns to seriousness, seriousness to irritation, irritation to frustration, frustration to embarresment and finally, embarresment to being beyond caring anymore. Somewhere I read the phrase, 'at what point does it snap - our tenuous hold on life'. At what point do we stop trying again and again to do something which we are just not being able to do. Where does the thin line between persistence and stupidity lie? When do we say, 'Enough' ...
Its not as scary as I thought it would be. Its like bumgee jumping. Till you get to the platform you feel confident you want tis. There, you're sure you dont. You just wanna run back. But if you just let go that second ... its awesome the rest of the way.
The wire that holds the cork
That keeps the anger in
And suddenly it's day again.
You stretch the frozen Moments with your fear.
Finally I understand the feelings of the few.
Ashes and diamonds
Foe and friend
We were all equal in the end.