today was one of those days when i just could not concentrate on anything. sometimes it just pokes me in the eye and paralyses me all day. i keep messing up at work. i couldnt write a post. i couldnt do my homework. i havent paused all day, but i havent completed a single task succesfully. i locked my unix pwd again. the generate was messed up. got a wrong cr #. its like falling into water when you cant swim - you know what you are supposed to do but you cant make ur arms and legs do it.
this is not what i wanted. this is so not what i wanted. i know that it could have been worse. i know that atleast i have a decent thing to do. money in my pocket. my own money. no need to beg. no need for charity. i actually help support people now ... but this is not what i wanted.
when we read pressman in college - i used to crib ... who the hll uses all this rubbish ... well now i know. i cant crib. i made my choices. but it sucks. i it. i didnt spend 4 yrs for this. i hate it. i hate it all
its true that its not death that kills you, its life. one day at a time. every dream is weighed against the price youre willing to pay for it and shatters to the ground falling from the scales. there were too many dreams. life gives you anything you ask for. life gives you everything you ask for. you can have anything you want. but you will have to take it. no changing your mind. and you have to pay for it. so if you get the specs wrong - ur done.
i try this exercise now. i try to close my eyes and think about what i want - what i really want. and its so hard. and sometimes things clear up. the way i have carved things out its hard. its painful. its very very lonely. but better honest clean solitude than crowded hypocrisy.
do you ever feel like spring cleaning your life and chucking out everything, everyone. i have done it, at a level. i am doing it now. why should i hold their hand while they blot out me and everything i blv in. why do i scale down, hold back, temper every colour down, so noone is uncomfortable, hurt, made to feel awkward. they just turn around and call me a names afterwards.
i like to be alone. because id rather be alone than with anyone i know of. i like to keep quiet bcz though the words burn up inside me, i cant find a way to say them, so that you may understand. so i hold it in my hands a while and then put it back inside
sometimes i things that drive my crazy. i feel pain that numbs everything else. i feel joy that makes the whole w