Wednesday, November 10, 2004
the traditional day to look back, take stock, and 'watch where your going'. Im going nowhere near where I want to. I have lost everyone who mattered. I dont care too much for what I have picked up. i have passed up a chance to do what i wanted and then gone on to fuck up what he wanted. i have attacked her for hurting her. and hurt myself, in hurting him. no gods. no home. the family i had handpicked and handbuilt washed away like a sand castle, while i chased the one i had in a mad moment of fancy. what have i done. what have we done to myself. to my life ...
we are walking along life with no road map. at each point that the road forks, we take one of the roads ... why? is it always a conscious decision? sometimes the other road is blocked, sometimes u meet someone cute and while talking to them u dont notice and unconsciously take the same turn as them, sometimes u take a bad road just to get rid of someone who u fell in with who turned out to be irritating ... sometimes ur just lost in thought and take a random road ... how conscious are we and how much percent of the time? these forks come up 24/7/4/12 ... and every year
Year Ending: eine schlusselerlenis? in the long run ... what is? Right here right now looks like this year was the so hard packed with Action! The best of the best - the worst of the worst. Exquisite pleasures and Crippling pain. Rippling laughter layered over a bed of tears drying up into welterschmerz, a little more everyday. So many new friends. And isolation now finally made perfect. For me, everything is always changing. Like sitting in a helicoptor with a wine hearted pilot zipping in random directions above a town. Each turn brings a new, different view. Each turn makes everything look different ... Good, bad, right wrong ... forget black and white ... my world is a swirling mass of colors. Sometimes I think ... life is so short and there so little left, yet there so much I still want to do. How will I fit everything in? And other times I think theres so many days still left to live ... how will I bear it for so long? More and more the question chases my thoughts, my solitude ... Why? Why are we living? Whats the logic? Its so pointless? Live / Breed / Die ... like a cockroach.
"I want to die. No, Im not sad. No logic. No explanation, No tears, No pity. Just a overwhelming ennui. a deep welterschmersz.A paralysing weariness. I cant go on. Not anymore. I have run so hard so long so alone. I am tired now. I want to rest. I cant wait for the show to end. I give up. Ill never catch up. Ill never make it, as big as I wanted to make it. And everything else seems to fade. Whats the use? Whats the point? Endlessly, Futilely, struggling ... on & on forever after. Forever against the tide. And the tide is forever I."- Ray W. Guelph, 1913
we are walking along life with no road map. at each point that the road forks, we take one of the roads ... why? is it always a conscious decision? sometimes the other road is blocked, sometimes u meet someone cute and while talking to them u dont notice and unconsciously take the same turn as them, sometimes u take a bad road just to get rid of someone who u fell in with who turned out to be irritating ... sometimes ur just lost in thought and take a random road ... how conscious are we and how much percent of the time? these forks come up 24/7/4/12 ... and every year
Year Ending: eine schlusselerlenis? in the long run ... what is? Right here right now looks like this year was the so hard packed with Action! The best of the best - the worst of the worst. Exquisite pleasures and Crippling pain. Rippling laughter layered over a bed of tears drying up into welterschmerz, a little more everyday. So many new friends. And isolation now finally made perfect. For me, everything is always changing. Like sitting in a helicoptor with a wine hearted pilot zipping in random directions above a town. Each turn brings a new, different view. Each turn makes everything look different ... Good, bad, right wrong ... forget black and white ... my world is a swirling mass of colors. Sometimes I think ... life is so short and there so little left, yet there so much I still want to do. How will I fit everything in? And other times I think theres so many days still left to live ... how will I bear it for so long? More and more the question chases my thoughts, my solitude ... Why? Why are we living? Whats the logic? Its so pointless? Live / Breed / Die ... like a cockroach.
"I want to die. No, Im not sad. No logic. No explanation, No tears, No pity. Just a overwhelming ennui. a deep welterschmersz.A paralysing weariness. I cant go on. Not anymore. I have run so hard so long so alone. I am tired now. I want to rest. I cant wait for the show to end. I give up. Ill never catch up. Ill never make it, as big as I wanted to make it. And everything else seems to fade. Whats the use? Whats the point? Endlessly, Futilely, struggling ... on & on forever after. Forever against the tide. And the tide is forever I."- Ray W. Guelph, 1913
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