can you feel jealous, hurt, betrayed, in retrospect?
funny, how i used to ask you about it, jokingly
and you always were so calm. that should have rung a bell
but no, its a bit funny, how foolish i was
and naiive, to believe all your lies
such a big lie, why did you do it? i feel like asking you
your morning prayers, your chinese screens, your games
i dont think you can be, indignant in retrospect ...
just glad for any happiness anyone finds and
gladder that i'm far away from all of it
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Showing posts with label Prerona. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prerona. Show all posts
Phantom Song: Once Again
the song. the current obsession. wanna see it again
It hurts so much to remember
To hear your voice again
To hear the sound of you laughing
Been so long since I felt the pain
Thank you ...
So now I feel alive again
This time the door slammed for good
Ghosts will be laid to rest
My knees hurt from kneeling at our grave
Perhaps its time to move on ...
Take care. Be good. Wish you well
Jokes on me again
I'll wait for you further down, at the bend
Till your done, with this round, again
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Yeh kya jagah hai doston
ye kyaa jagah hain dosato, ye kaun saa dayaar hain
had-ye-nigaah tak jahaa, gubaar hee gubaar hai
ye kis makaam par hayaat muz ko leke aa gaee
naa bas khushee pe hain jahaa, naa gam pe ikhtaiyaar hai
tamaam umar kaa hisaab maangatee hain jindagee
ye meraa dil kahe to kyaa, ye khud se sharmasaar hai
bulaa rahaa hain kaun muz ko, chilamanon ke us taraf
mere liye bhee kyaa koee, udaas bekaraar hai
Originally Posted at Prerona.
had-ye-nigaah tak jahaa, gubaar hee gubaar hai
ye kis makaam par hayaat muz ko leke aa gaee
naa bas khushee pe hain jahaa, naa gam pe ikhtaiyaar hai
tamaam umar kaa hisaab maangatee hain jindagee
ye meraa dil kahe to kyaa, ye khud se sharmasaar hai
bulaa rahaa hain kaun muz ko, chilamanon ke us taraf
mere liye bhee kyaa koee, udaas bekaraar hai
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Sincerely Seeking
It's one of those phases, that come upon me from time to time. Maybe its got something to be with straying close to the edge? When you're asleep, or when you're groggy, half awake, freaking out, scared, heart sore ... thats when, I think, your mind filters out everyone and you remember only the essential few. So I went looking for you. Looked for you on hotmail, on yahoo, on my computer ... found a couple of snaps from last year on yahoo. And now I remember why I dont go there anymore.
I was with home for two days. Maybe its just that which brought it all back. He's gone now. I dont believe 3 months have passed and I will be home soon. Everything has changed so much. I've been home 1 before, since you left, but I'm still scared of walking back into the silence.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
I was with home for two days. Maybe its just that which brought it all back. He's gone now. I dont believe 3 months have passed and I will be home soon. Everything has changed so much. I've been home 1 before, since you left, but I'm still scared of walking back into the silence.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
It is not who you are inside, but what you do that defines you:
It's the mantra which is, at times, the only weapon against the darkness that wells up from inside me: the darkness that comes from sight, shame, sin, guilt and memory.
So I've ticked off genetic inheritance, and character flaws. Can I dismiss past actions and choices as easily? Do we know what we will never do again? How much penance, is enough to heal?
How much time, must wash over old sores of memories, wash awake ennui so innate, and feed awake seeds so dormant?
In time still rings a 12 year old's voice echoing on a deserted balmy december night, "give it to me, spare them, i can take it more easily, i'm stronger". do You allow second thoughts, if she had them? dont worry Your sadistic soul: she wont.
At times i feel silly, thinking of how much i loved You, personalised You, and made You my own. They are right, You're just a figment of someone's imagination. And still, for them and for myself, there's a residue of the old love left: its called fear. I dont fear You the way I fear them. Them, I just fear I will hurt, carelessly.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
So I've ticked off genetic inheritance, and character flaws. Can I dismiss past actions and choices as easily? Do we know what we will never do again? How much penance, is enough to heal?
How much time, must wash over old sores of memories, wash awake ennui so innate, and feed awake seeds so dormant?
In time still rings a 12 year old's voice echoing on a deserted balmy december night, "give it to me, spare them, i can take it more easily, i'm stronger". do You allow second thoughts, if she had them? dont worry Your sadistic soul: she wont.
At times i feel silly, thinking of how much i loved You, personalised You, and made You my own. They are right, You're just a figment of someone's imagination. And still, for them and for myself, there's a residue of the old love left: its called fear. I dont fear You the way I fear them. Them, I just fear I will hurt, carelessly.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
in progress
ruthless fingers dig into putrid, rotting, tortured flesh. the maggots, sly, smiling, suspicious and disgruntled, crawl out one by one. healing can give so much pain
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Once Again
I need a little help from my Julia Roberts and Kate Hudson
Listening to Fallen. Isnt it Ironic? Not even Fallen.
"And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it's ironic to be back in the game."
Its 4 in the morning. This is when I would get ready to phone you. Suddenly so blue. Miss you. Suddenly struck by one of thos sharp stabs of missing you. Yes, it could have something to do with the fact that I spent the last hour looking at your photographs. There is no way to find you again. Or your me. One day I will forget. One day the bitterness will fade. One day I will not look for your face in everybodies face. One day people will just be people, not someone who looks, or talks, or smiles like you. or doesnt. Or someone you would have liked. or wouldnt. One day, someone will measure up. One day the yardstick will break. One day, I will love again.
Its not me. Its your song I played accidentally that brought you up. Yes, you were right. I remember how it used to make you laugh. Are you laughing now?
"muJhse bichaD ke khush rehte ho
meri tarah tum bhi jhooTe ho
ik tahni par chaaNd Tika thaa
maiN ye samJha tum baithe ho
uJle uJle phool khile the
bilkul jaise tum haNste ho
muJhe shaam bata deti hai
tum kaise kapDe pehne ho
tumh tanha duniya se laDoge
bachhON si baateN karte ho"
And listening to your old favourite song. Do you remember how we fought about this song? Do you remember the serial it used to come on? And how much you hated it?
"Koi ye kaise bataye ki, wo tanha kyon hai
Wo jo apna tha wohi, Or kisi ka kyoon hai
Yahi duniya hai to phir, aisi ye duniya kyoon hai
Yahi hota hai to aakhir yahi hota kyoon hai
Ik zara haath bada de to, pakdle daaman
Uske seene mein sama jaye, hamari dhadkan
Itni Kurbat hai to phir, faasla itna kyoon hai
Dile barbaad se nikla nahi, ab tak koi
Ik loote ghar pe diya karta hai, dastak koi
Aas jo toot gayi, phir se, bandhaata kyoon hai
Tum masarrat ka kaho ya, ise gum ka rishta
Kehtein hai pyaar ka rishta hai, janam ka rishta
Hai janam ka rishta jo ye to, badalta kyoon hai"
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Listening to Fallen. Isnt it Ironic? Not even Fallen.
"And I was not looking, was content to remain.
And it's ironic to be back in the game."
Its 4 in the morning. This is when I would get ready to phone you. Suddenly so blue. Miss you. Suddenly struck by one of thos sharp stabs of missing you. Yes, it could have something to do with the fact that I spent the last hour looking at your photographs. There is no way to find you again. Or your me. One day I will forget. One day the bitterness will fade. One day I will not look for your face in everybodies face. One day people will just be people, not someone who looks, or talks, or smiles like you. or doesnt. Or someone you would have liked. or wouldnt. One day, someone will measure up. One day the yardstick will break. One day, I will love again.
Its not me. Its your song I played accidentally that brought you up. Yes, you were right. I remember how it used to make you laugh. Are you laughing now?
"muJhse bichaD ke khush rehte ho
meri tarah tum bhi jhooTe ho
ik tahni par chaaNd Tika thaa
maiN ye samJha tum baithe ho
uJle uJle phool khile the
bilkul jaise tum haNste ho
muJhe shaam bata deti hai
tum kaise kapDe pehne ho
tumh tanha duniya se laDoge
bachhON si baateN karte ho"
And listening to your old favourite song. Do you remember how we fought about this song? Do you remember the serial it used to come on? And how much you hated it?
"Koi ye kaise bataye ki, wo tanha kyon hai
Wo jo apna tha wohi, Or kisi ka kyoon hai
Yahi duniya hai to phir, aisi ye duniya kyoon hai
Yahi hota hai to aakhir yahi hota kyoon hai
Ik zara haath bada de to, pakdle daaman
Uske seene mein sama jaye, hamari dhadkan
Itni Kurbat hai to phir, faasla itna kyoon hai
Dile barbaad se nikla nahi, ab tak koi
Ik loote ghar pe diya karta hai, dastak koi
Aas jo toot gayi, phir se, bandhaata kyoon hai
Tum masarrat ka kaho ya, ise gum ka rishta
Kehtein hai pyaar ka rishta hai, janam ka rishta
Hai janam ka rishta jo ye to, badalta kyoon hai"
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Damn
half your life
and so much of your efforts
are spent in trying to shake people off
who want to be your friend.
and yet,
in the hours that you could really have done with one
there is never anyone, is there?
or atleast, not anyone who would do.
i remember a pome from school,
that i had written,
about being surrounded by props of thermacol and clay,
while ur sinking,
or feeling faint.
or ants
or children
u know they cant take ur weight ...
well, i guess u just have to keep standing straight.
what is this weariness?
this addiction to leaning.
that is the root of the problems.
you must run. or walk. or stand straight.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
and so much of your efforts
are spent in trying to shake people off
who want to be your friend.
and yet,
in the hours that you could really have done with one
there is never anyone, is there?
or atleast, not anyone who would do.
i remember a pome from school,
that i had written,
about being surrounded by props of thermacol and clay,
while ur sinking,
or feeling faint.
or ants
or children
u know they cant take ur weight ...
well, i guess u just have to keep standing straight.
what is this weariness?
this addiction to leaning.
that is the root of the problems.
you must run. or walk. or stand straight.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Us and Them
There is a storm outside, as noisy as a group of drunken men in a brawl. Its one of those days, when time rolls back like a curtain and you are every age you have ever been, at once. On days like this, I just wake up with a voice in my head echoing Ginny's voice from 1000 acres, 'because those children will have something we never had a chance of ever having ... hope'
Enthrallment lies in the heart of the beholder. I remember watching you for hours, never bored of the tiny details of your daily life. Your tiny hands curled into two smudged pink blobs of half done flesh, topped with sharp slivers of nail, with which you scratched yourself all over.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Enthrallment lies in the heart of the beholder. I remember watching you for hours, never bored of the tiny details of your daily life. Your tiny hands curled into two smudged pink blobs of half done flesh, topped with sharp slivers of nail, with which you scratched yourself all over.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Uninvited
Tripping on uninvited. There's s much to say, but where's the words? and I'm out of breath anyway ...
"Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate"
Uninvited, Alanis Morissette
Originally Posted at Prerona.
"Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepherd need shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate"
Uninvited, Alanis Morissette
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Sunshine
one blissfully empty day, sandwiched between two nights of fun and friends. being happy leaves a intractable bitter after taste of guilt. am i not supposed to be in mourning still? i forgot, for a while. and then, little things remind me of you again. and its all i can do not to break.
those immature drawings you saved, and even put up on the wall, furiously crayon coloured bright blue skies and smiling suns. now all the suns have gone out. and i had thought it would be such a bracing feeling to be all alone in the world, like a brisk walk on a chilly day with fresh winds in your face.
this day brings you back so much more than anyother. you were always so happy on my birthday. not that she wasnt, but only when the mood took her, I guess. I think about all the times I let you down for her, that I missed her, loved her. Guilt is the most potent poison.
nobody saves my drawings now. like nobody waits for me to come home, anymore. maybe if i hadnt kept you waiting so long, you would have stayed.
its days like this that you want to sit and listen to "crying", dont you. i love you even more, than i ever did before. but darling, what can i do.its so final. there's no reaching you, no negotiating, no bargaining, like I always did. So strange to think, I cant make you change your mind even by turturing myself, or atleast it hasnt worked yet.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
those immature drawings you saved, and even put up on the wall, furiously crayon coloured bright blue skies and smiling suns. now all the suns have gone out. and i had thought it would be such a bracing feeling to be all alone in the world, like a brisk walk on a chilly day with fresh winds in your face.
this day brings you back so much more than anyother. you were always so happy on my birthday. not that she wasnt, but only when the mood took her, I guess. I think about all the times I let you down for her, that I missed her, loved her. Guilt is the most potent poison.
nobody saves my drawings now. like nobody waits for me to come home, anymore. maybe if i hadnt kept you waiting so long, you would have stayed.
its days like this that you want to sit and listen to "crying", dont you. i love you even more, than i ever did before. but darling, what can i do.its so final. there's no reaching you, no negotiating, no bargaining, like I always did. So strange to think, I cant make you change your mind even by turturing myself, or atleast it hasnt worked yet.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Back Home Again
This was when I moved away from here. So much has changed since then. Hell, everything has changed since then. It was the time when life fell apart. I look at some people, they go through pain and hurt and they talk about it so easily, and then they feel better and they get on with life. I wish I could do that. I would want to but I couldnt get the words out.
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
Originally Posted at Prerona.
But that was a phase of life, while I was there. Now, I think I am better. So maybe its a good time to move back. There's only one person in the world I can open up to and talk. Sister of my soul, my twin, seperated by 10 years, lol, and yeah, being home again, with her, for however little time we had, was healing. Its not the the hurt goes away. But it gets a little easier to live with. The weight settles.
We are having an onslought of submissions in college. Its assignment time! I had a killer assignment on Friday. We had to compare 2 POS Taggers and I think I screwed it up big time. Next we have a big one on Monday for Theory of Mind, on the language of thought. I havent even started on that yet.
Its funny how the days just slip away without me noticing it. I do less and less constructive work everyday. I dont even read. I just chat with people. I think I miss my anti social days. Or atleast, my work does. I just had this bizzare conversation with someone downstairs. Its strange the conversations that are born at midnight study breaks :)
It was good to get that though. Good timing. I was miserable just before. Its a horrid feeling when ur being torn apart and there's noone you can talk to about it. Not bcz there is noone who cares, or noone who is there, but just bcz it would need so much history to be gone into. It was easier when I was frozen. Its harder now that I have thawed. I cant beleive how different I have become in just a few short months! Its bizzare!
I think its fine though. Everything will work out. She's a good strong kid. And if I survived she will. I just wish I could show her shortcuts that I see only after I have crossed all those stretches, save her the heartbreaks, the dirty, filthy, lowdown of life taht I have waded through to get here, but I know it doesnt work that way. She has to go through it. And I guess we were born for stuff like this. Like the rest of the stuff he is always giving it to us for, its in the blood. As is the strength to take it.
Anyway, we stood down their and laughed and laughed. Scared all the while that the angry lady from the 1st floor would scream at us again for making noise. Legend has it that she just comes down and starts yelling. Damn! I've never seen her!
Ms. Miagi (thats my friend here - a nick) and icelander just went down to the pub for some drinks. Ice wanted to go alone, the better to meet scottisgmen with, but Ms. Miagi said she'll go along. I said I'll come back up and work on the essay. And this is how I do that. LOL
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Hello Stranger
So I've lost you again
Its my own stupid fault
I should never have come away
Stayed home and on gaurd
Now ur floating again
In ur clouds of purple haze
My sweet little child
I look at you and wonder
What is it I want
From and for you, anyway
Then you'll say again
You're grown up and sane
More than me anyway
Yeah!
Right
Thing is, she said she made you for me
My little dollie
Now ur all messed up and getting dirty
I want my baby clean
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Its my own stupid fault
I should never have come away
Stayed home and on gaurd
Now ur floating again
In ur clouds of purple haze
My sweet little child
I look at you and wonder
What is it I want
From and for you, anyway
Then you'll say again
You're grown up and sane
More than me anyway
Yeah!
Right
Thing is, she said she made you for me
My little dollie
Now ur all messed up and getting dirty
I want my baby clean
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Byron: The God of Words
Could I embody and unbosom now
That which is most within me, could I wreak
My thoughts upon expression, and thus throw
Soul, heart, mind, passions, feelings, strong or weak,
All that I would have sought, and all I seek,
Bear, now, feel, and yet breathe into one word,
And that one word were Lightning, I would speak;
But as it is, I live and die unheard,
With a most voiceless thought, sheathing it as a sword.
forgot to mention that all 3 of these are fro childe harolds (what else)
i dislike poetry & other pointless things in general, but those that i like, i love
lately been thinking of henry and june, think will buy me the dvd. i miss half.com :( & i miss my dvdrental thing. Been thinking of moving back to Ricercar, lately. Will slow or close this house down.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
That which is most within me, could I wreak
My thoughts upon expression, and thus throw
Soul, heart, mind, passions, feelings, strong or weak,
All that I would have sought, and all I seek,
Bear, now, feel, and yet breathe into one word,
And that one word were Lightning, I would speak;
But as it is, I live and die unheard,
With a most voiceless thought, sheathing it as a sword.
forgot to mention that all 3 of these are fro childe harolds (what else)
i dislike poetry & other pointless things in general, but those that i like, i love
lately been thinking of henry and june, think will buy me the dvd. i miss half.com :( & i miss my dvdrental thing. Been thinking of moving back to Ricercar, lately. Will slow or close this house down.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Silverknowes, Edinburgh
DSC01978
Originally uploaded by prerona.
The morn is up again, the dewy morn,
With breath all incense, and with cheek all bloom,
the clouds away with playful scorn,
And living as if earth contain'd no tomb,
And glowing into day: we may resume
The march of our existence: and thus I,
Still on thy shores, fair Lemon! may find room
And food for meditation, nor pass by
Much, that may give us pause, if ponder'd fittingly.
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Calcutta Dreaming
DSC03930
Originally uploaded by prerona.
Not in those climes where I have late been straying,
Though Beauty long hath there been matchless deem'd;
Not in those visions to the heart displaying
Forms which it sighs but to have only dream'd,
Hath aught like thee in truth or fancy seem'd:
Nor, having seen thee, shall I vainly seek
To paint those charms which varied as they beam'd —
To such as see thee not my words were weak;
To those who gaze on thee what language could they speak?
will probably change this picture; but which wud i chose to say how beautiful
she is? maybe gentle people, with flowers in their hair. still water, pushing up the sun as it rises? long empty streets? time that has lived there so very long, history frozen, beauty so hidden, so obscure, so abstruse ... awww damn. come, december!
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Pinochio: Becoming Real
at first, he can just think of how beautiful she is and how nice it feels. then, when the blue fairy gets mad and mean, he shivers in fear and from the cold while she rages away. she reminds him of Geppetto's hammers and saw. but he did realise that she was probably more upset than him, he was just shit scared. which probably made it worse. and he thought, life had been so much simpler when he was simply non living
Originally Posted at Prerona.
Originally Posted at Prerona.