wrote a huge post and then deleted it. its not ... 'appropriate'. life moves on. life winds down. towards the end, u come closer and closer to ur mistakes, ur wounds, till ur face to face, eye to eye, with every pain and shame and anger. was it better to live lightheartedly? without too much thought. or passion. or emotion? to skim the surface to of life as it were? not for me. this is my pace. this is my intensity. ill take it, whichever side it goes - happy or sad. to live life half heartedly, just for the sake of living, breeding and dying ... what good id that? i feel different suddenly.
i feel something falling off. its guilt? or its pity. they all caim they are as strong, as grownup - so why should i watch my steps. i feel today if any of them came up to me, I would not soften it and take the blame for them again - i wont feel sorry. i wont make it easy for them. they hurt you. they keep hitting at you. and to keep down the backlash they make u feel its all ur fault. i dont want it like that anymore.
im not going to trust anyone any more. im not gonna wanna take their pain anymore. not even in my heart. they r not worth it. but i know the rebellion wont last long. i will forgive even those who stabbed me closest. and i will even hold them and comfort them for the remorse they feel after. its not fair.
and then i feel tired. im tired. i just wanna go to sleep. its late.
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