yesterday rolls past

why is it that some people irritate me so much that i will go to any lengths out of my way just to avoid them. in the process i even end up hurting those i do care about. why cant i accept people the way they are. why does everything have to be all the way or nothing. why cant i make casual friends. why does it have to be people ud give ur life for or nothing at all.

why are there so many distances, so many walls between people in todays days and age. why must we feel so ashmamed because we care about someone. we gaurd every feeling, we regulate each instinct and whatever filtered little bit escapes, we couch in a million disclaimers.

such a tiny handful of people in this world who we really can call friends in the true sense. that we can care for. those who make us happy. those who we cant banish and punish and be angry with. or stay angry with. and that those few too we keep chasing away. playing games with. why?

i miss u like crazy today. i need to talk to you. i wish i cud talk to you. both of you. together. but time and life had pulled us so far apart. we dance behind masks.

lately its been hitting me like never before. yesterday is over. a chapter of our lives, an era is over. if this was a book, this would be where the would put in a pretty design and write a big curly lettered BOOK 2 ...

at the back of my mind theres a roll of snap shots that come to mind. walking home from school in the rain. the hymnbooks. atmodya bhavan. suji playing before assembly, rimli playing the marchpast drums. the enclosures. the nursery park. kavita pavamani. making fun of people without saying a word. JT ... the graveryard. the nightouts. sauces old house. the tea shop in lake mkt where we called sauce for the first time after we heard about uncle ... how i was playing tricks - saying i didnt have money. patrick swayze at the grand. goose. anin, bhattu. the whole day trip to nrityagram. sauce in the bus gaali-ng those women ... sebs shouting. u as usual bitching about me ... its always motts whose fault it all is. slapping sauce that night ... and now Zachary George Simon. one day he will be a full complete human being. can you imagine? wud you have thought we cud do such things sitting somewhere in the tree in nursery patk? we've come such a long way ... made suicides, children, bad affairs, marraiges.