because i couldnt say a word. because i never can. because words
dont come. because theres no one. because here never is. because i
turned so many ways, and each time faltered. because i reached out
so many times, but my hands shook. because i meant so many things
but i couldnt say them. because thats the way we are ...
theres nothing really to say, is there? just words. what good are
words now. words are tools. for smokescreens. for coverfire. to
build walls. between us and them. you are one of us. thats the way
we are
all day i talk. frenzied words. laughing words. wise words. funny
words. tumbling waterfalls of words. careful building blocks of
words. carefully aimed poison darts of words. gently soothing
palliatives of words. words to stop yourself thinking. words to
drown out the voices.
but then evening falls, words fall away. silence falls. and the
voices reign. the voices in your head that never fall quiet. voices
in your head that never forgive you.
and in the end thats all thats left you. the impotent thoughts that could not bear words. your stillborn cries. your impotent tears. the hiccups, hurriedly hidden. the tremors every night. in a ball in a corner of the floor. always there. i wonder why. the colds you pretended to have. face. you must save face. atleast. the wounds you dont dare to show. the friends you dont dare to make. anymore. all the blood that flowed out. when the knife turned. in your heart. the eyes that dried staring at the sun. the salt that was your soul
so, all this has happened. all this i have known. this too i have
borne. this too i have seen. and yet i live. i survive. because its
not mine to take. just because.
'and yet the order of
acts is schemed and planned
and nothing can avert
the final curtains fall
i stand alone, all else
is swamped by pharisism
to live live to the
end is not a childish task'
'Dr Zhivago' by Pasternek
