run out of words

suddenly, i have NO clue as to what i should write. i mean, as per my earlier resolution, i onbviously cant write what i am actually thinking, so now whatever I start to write feels artificial. stilted. forced.

like meeting someone you almost became close friends with and then discovered was a weirdo and had to stick to making PC with from then on. next time you meet them, its the awkwardest thing ... to rewind a relationship. i guess thats why they say that about friends and lovers and transitions between the stages!

and ive always hated making polite conversation. trying to guess what you want to talk about and spinning meaningless leaping majestic yarn about it for hours at and end. actually i must be pretty good at it cz im never caught out. most people think - atleast in the beginning - that i am exactly like them. its the mirror effect. and the ultimate smokescreen at times

lets see ...

a four weeks back my gran fell ill. i prayed like i'd never done before. then i fell ill. chicken pox. 3 weeks at home. totally solitary. i didnt see a soul. just read and watched tv all day long and survived on boiled vegetables once a day. what was scary was that for the most part, i enjoyed the solitude.

last week i joined work. since then its been a whirlwind of playing catch (up) with no pause to think. the ultimate opiate. get up at 5. get to the gym by 6. get to the desk by 9. work. class. rowing 3'ce a week. home work. movies to watch. books to read. money to worry about ... and in the middle of all that, my father arrived on thursday. he was visiting me for 2 days on his way back from germany. i dont think i have ever spent so long with him at a stretch and alone. it was sometimes profound, sometimes crazy. and sometimes nerve wracking. i saw him off on sunday and came back to the empty rooms. i didnt feel ... period. i was kind of numb. watched girl with a pearl earring and another movie. then my mom called. she asked 'baba chole gechhe?' i said 'haan ma'. she said 'mon kharap?' ... what a dumb question! well it broke the dam anyway and it took a while for the torrents to stop. i couldnt stop crying all of sunday and monday ... but by tuesday i was back to cool. last night i had class. we talked about the past. and illnesses. it was fun. i have written two the two girls i met at the party before i fell ill. ones about the movie watching club and the others about the rowing. i havent had any reply. a bit sad ... cz I was really looking fwd. but maybe they just havent read it yet ... and tomorrow is another day