This used to be one of my favourite songs
there used to be a lot of crittisism for uttam kumar
and i remember many adda sessions overheard growing up ending with
one of the women saying "tomaader satyajeet roy thaale tomaadergun-er soumitra ke chhere buro boyesh e uttom kumar ke niye taana taani korte gelo keno tobe ..."
the war of the sexes. though i always thought soumitra was way "cooler" guy wise. but then i guess that was before i saw deya neya and fell in love! though personally for me ofcourse, it was always Dhritiman ...
funny that i ran into this accidentally today. in keeping with my 5th rules from the science of life ... life guides you to answers to any question in your head right now.
lake
deep in the forest,
there was a lake
noone goes there
much anyway
the water danced
and the light on the water
and the wind,
laughed merrily away
i was sitting by the lake
resting on a rock
on the shore
collecting the evening as it fell
i was waiting, for dusk to fall
i was tired, and i wanted my bed
i was sitting by the lake
with the body in my lap
i was waiting for the birds to be done
there were still many parts left
the eyes, the hands, the heart
i was sitting by the lake
when he swooped down
silent and huge and dark
i was a little afriad, when he settled down
what if he hadnt been a bird?
i was sitting by the lake
when he started to laugh
an otherworldly birdlike sound
from the sky, his bird friends flew down
and together they all laughed
birds of a feather stick together
men, with men and dreams
here by the lake
no men, no birds
nor day, nor dusk, all still
if i could speak in bird,
if i could be like him
i could fly away
and not stay here in the dark
but then, i would never know
the world of the night
the water. the worlds in it
the deep. the dark. the fathomless.
the sky sparkles
reflected in the lake
tempts. seduces. mocks,
with its brightness
do i want to stay, or do i want to go?
do i want to fly?
do i want to drown?
how do you know what you want?
how would you know if you loved someone?
so many worlds
you can pick only one to live in
so many lives. but you can have only one
but there are so many dreams you dream
and knowing all the while that you're asleep
cut cords with waking reality
is there a waking reality?
how would you ever know?
how could you not wonder?
how can you be satisfied?
how can you not be dying to know?
i was sitting by the lake
when night fell
i was cold, i was scared, i was alone
he was raven. he was dark. his breath smelt of dead flesh
but accidental, his feather brushed my face
for a moment, i was not scared
there was a lake
noone goes there
much anyway
the water danced
and the light on the water
and the wind,
laughed merrily away
i was sitting by the lake
resting on a rock
on the shore
collecting the evening as it fell
i was waiting, for dusk to fall
i was tired, and i wanted my bed
i was sitting by the lake
with the body in my lap
i was waiting for the birds to be done
there were still many parts left
the eyes, the hands, the heart
i was sitting by the lake
when he swooped down
silent and huge and dark
i was a little afriad, when he settled down
what if he hadnt been a bird?
i was sitting by the lake
when he started to laugh
an otherworldly birdlike sound
from the sky, his bird friends flew down
and together they all laughed
birds of a feather stick together
men, with men and dreams
here by the lake
no men, no birds
nor day, nor dusk, all still
if i could speak in bird,
if i could be like him
i could fly away
and not stay here in the dark
but then, i would never know
the world of the night
the water. the worlds in it
the deep. the dark. the fathomless.
the sky sparkles
reflected in the lake
tempts. seduces. mocks,
with its brightness
do i want to stay, or do i want to go?
do i want to fly?
do i want to drown?
how do you know what you want?
how would you know if you loved someone?
so many worlds
you can pick only one to live in
so many lives. but you can have only one
but there are so many dreams you dream
and knowing all the while that you're asleep
cut cords with waking reality
is there a waking reality?
how would you ever know?
how could you not wonder?
how can you be satisfied?
how can you not be dying to know?
i was sitting by the lake
when night fell
i was cold, i was scared, i was alone
he was raven. he was dark. his breath smelt of dead flesh
but accidental, his feather brushed my face
for a moment, i was not scared
beautiful rainy sunday ...
nice rainy sunday
magic light outside
perfect to stay home
with hot chocolate and stare blankly out or watch movies with
lots of cushion and throws :D
you know about freudian slip?
my poison is music
i keep doing it. thank god, most people
dont catch on
song in my head
but sometimes my "head" tweaks the words
so here's an oldie for you ...
ps - question in my head? how do you know you love someone. heard someone asking this last night ... curious, what are your thoughts?
magic light outside
perfect to stay home
with hot chocolate and stare blankly out or watch movies with
lots of cushion and throws :D
you know about freudian slip?
my poison is music
i keep doing it. thank god, most people
dont catch on
song in my head
but sometimes my "head" tweaks the words
so here's an oldie for you ...
ps - question in my head? how do you know you love someone. heard someone asking this last night ... curious, what are your thoughts?
questions
going along, living life, you wade through masses of words, if words are your medium, and some stick in your head forever. these are some that stay stuck in my head
from the Bridges of Madision County, (isnt that ironic) "In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once."
from Gone with the Wind, "a lady can do no more"
from the beatles, "your's sincerely, wasting away"
from a key chain that a friend got each one of us in school, each had our own names and the pic of a state in 'the states' and a message (i think from that state) and mine said west virgina, wild and wonderful
from when harry met sally, "when you figure out who you want to spend the rest of your life with ..."
from hi fidelity, "its not what you are like, but what you like"
from dr. zhivago, "life. he wants to see life ..."
from my uncle, (we were spening the night talking about life, in a forrest bunglow somewhere, in some god forsaken part of bihar, "first you must know what you want"
from my dad (first time caught smoking), at the end of the day you are a person, a "me"
notting hill/song, "make them all my souvenires"
jesus christ superstar, "he's just a man"
from the Bridges of Madision County, (isnt that ironic) "In a universe of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once."
from Gone with the Wind, "a lady can do no more"
from the beatles, "your's sincerely, wasting away"
from a key chain that a friend got each one of us in school, each had our own names and the pic of a state in 'the states' and a message (i think from that state) and mine said west virgina, wild and wonderful
from when harry met sally, "when you figure out who you want to spend the rest of your life with ..."
from hi fidelity, "its not what you are like, but what you like"
from dr. zhivago, "life. he wants to see life ..."
from my uncle, (we were spening the night talking about life, in a forrest bunglow somewhere, in some god forsaken part of bihar, "first you must know what you want"
from my dad (first time caught smoking), at the end of the day you are a person, a "me"
notting hill/song, "make them all my souvenires"
jesus christ superstar, "he's just a man"
Its a beautiful day ...
And I have nothing to say ...
Maybe the postman came (ref: queen. courtsey reader complaint)
But I just stayed away from home
So I dont know what he delivered
I dont wanna know
Arent ostrichs pretty animals?
I'm tired of the "out there" (ref: withheld)
But, what do I do. Why am I laughing? Life is such a joke
Went for a walk early this morning, and ended up here.
Came back and had a lot of work but sat there and listened to Pandora for a tiny while ... listening to wish you were here, again.
the nice thing about having B here is she makes me miss b just a little less. We almost dont talk in full sentennces anymore. and she too can cope with the jumping wildy random topics. multithreading. and the bizzarre obscure little things that worry excite sadden us ... which it would be so hard to share otherwise. we went for lunch at a little italian-ish place. awesome food. expensive, by my meagre standards. but the best part was the talkathon.
Maybe the postman came (ref: queen. courtsey reader complaint)
But I just stayed away from home
So I dont know what he delivered
I dont wanna know
Arent ostrichs pretty animals?
I'm tired of the "out there" (ref: withheld)
But, what do I do. Why am I laughing? Life is such a joke
Went for a walk early this morning, and ended up here.
Came back and had a lot of work but sat there and listened to Pandora for a tiny while ... listening to wish you were here, again.
the nice thing about having B here is she makes me miss b just a little less. We almost dont talk in full sentennces anymore. and she too can cope with the jumping wildy random topics. multithreading. and the bizzarre obscure little things that worry excite sadden us ... which it would be so hard to share otherwise. we went for lunch at a little italian-ish place. awesome food. expensive, by my meagre standards. but the best part was the talkathon.
Genetic Link to Schizophrenia
According to the National Institute for Mental Health, an estimated 51 million people worldwide suffer from schizophrenia. Although 80 percent of schizophrenia cases appear to be inherited, the specific genetic components underlying individuals' susceptibility and pathology are largely unknown. Gene mutations governing a key brain enzyme make people susceptible to schizophrenia and may be targeted in future treatments for the psychiatric illness, according to MIT and Japanese researchers. More at the Villa
madcap returns
i'm so happy i could die
madcap is back, for a while ...
everytime you do that thing you do,
i want to stop the clock.
and stay here for eternity
in this sweet uncertainity.
where every little clue,
is loaded with fertility.
what is wrong with me?
i never dreamt so optimitically
time never danced around like this,
the world never diminished.
the hands on the clock
and my heart,
hold hands
and stop still
this like the dream
or a prelude
could life be so happy?
its bizzare! i never thought ...
other people act like this!
childish rush of wind and song
me, the sane and sensible!
atleast, in matters of this sort ...
where is my bitter, pessimistic heart?
should i tell myself, it will pass, or wait for the day to start ...
madcap is back, for a while ...
everytime you do that thing you do,
i want to stop the clock.
and stay here for eternity
in this sweet uncertainity.
where every little clue,
is loaded with fertility.
what is wrong with me?
i never dreamt so optimitically
time never danced around like this,
the world never diminished.
the hands on the clock
and my heart,
hold hands
and stop still
this like the dream
or a prelude
could life be so happy?
its bizzare! i never thought ...
other people act like this!
childish rush of wind and song
me, the sane and sensible!
atleast, in matters of this sort ...
where is my bitter, pessimistic heart?
should i tell myself, it will pass, or wait for the day to start ...
All That Jazz
After having begged several experts to educate me and having consistently been put off for later and forgotten, I have started a tentative exploration solo. Or, this is the first half decent song Pandora played me all morning: This is Easy Living and I've got a crush on you. I heard them sung by Dinah Washington, and Ella Fitzgerald, respectively. But I could find only these versions on youT.
underwater
as you stare up above you
the water, swelling, is a deep deep blue
the sky, somewhere, you cant see
melts down through the blue glass lazily
underwater sun, day has begun
hazy, lazy, faded, drunk
purple clouds, drown one by one
sink to the bottom, and crush you down
flowers red. sparks from the stars
falling, extinguished. come floating down
like a feather trying to play
with a busy morning breeze
all of life, underwater freeze
all of the world, underwater seas
twirl. madness. cerullean
thrills. laughter. rolling down your face
the water, swelling, is a deep deep blue
the sky, somewhere, you cant see
melts down through the blue glass lazily
underwater sun, day has begun
hazy, lazy, faded, drunk
purple clouds, drown one by one
sink to the bottom, and crush you down
flowers red. sparks from the stars
falling, extinguished. come floating down
like a feather trying to play
with a busy morning breeze
all of life, underwater freeze
all of the world, underwater seas
twirl. madness. cerullean
thrills. laughter. rolling down your face
The neo cortex, man's peacock feathers?
Darwin introduced Natural Selection in 1859 book, "On the Origin of Species". In this book there was a very small reference to Sexual Selection, which was to later become an overriding concern driving his future work. His next book, "The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex", 1871, addressed sexual selection more directly.According to Natural Selection, species change to adapt to the environment and the traits that are the fittest for the environment survive and are passed on in time. Thus, Natural Selection cannot explain traits like (Darwins favourite) peacock feathers having survived, or indeed evolved. What is the survivalistic advantage of a brightly coloured plume that draws the attraction of all your natural predators when in action?
Sexual Selection fills this gap by saying that the females of the species select the males they will mate with. Due to the differential parental investment quotient, females are far fussier. Thus, the male of the species will often evolve a trait whose whole purpose is to impress the female, and which has no direct environmental survivalistic rationale. Like the peacock feather. It impresses the female with the quality of this male's genes and good health, because it is something he cannot fake.
The neo cortex was developed relatively recently in evolution. Before that the old brain handled almost all our survival needs. The neo cortex is responsible for consciousness, poetry, art, executive control, social behaviour, languages.
These are not skills a primate that has just come down from the trees needs to survive. Besides, nature always devises the most economical solutions to the most pressing survival challenges thrown by a changing environment. So why develop such a massive huge brain, the bulk of which is the neocortex, and the bulk of which most people dont use or need?
In humans the neo cortex contributes to the bulk of the huge brain size difference with its predecessors. The "swollen head" solution has huge implications on how the primate will now develop, and thereby how the adult will live to enable that development. The head has grown bigger than the pelvis can accomodate, so the infant is now born with only a small fraction of the brain development he is going to have as an adult. Most of the brain growing happens in the early years of a child. As a consequence, while any other animal is reasonably self sufficient from birth, horses can just get up and run with the herd, the human baby has to be nurtured for years while this massive and largely unnecessary brain grows and is programmed, by the parents. Thus it needs the mother to stay by its side through this period, dedicated to training and protecting it. It needs a completely different (male in resifence) family/social structure to protect this mother child set up while the mother is preoccupied with the baby, it needs the male to be able to go get food and come back and share it with his mate, over a prolonged period of time, thus requiring emotions and love to develop, it needs a herd in residence to protect the females and children while the males are out hunting (we started eating meat around now, so the men have to go hunt afar) and thuse giving rise to society, moral, group feelings.
It changes everything ...
Why do we have this neo cortex? What do we do with it? We write poems and make pictures and invent things, which impresses the women of our genetic quality and resourfulness (yes and we amass resources - get rich).
The famous Phineas Gage, on whom the book "An Odd Kind of Fame", by Malcolm Macmillan, was based, survived for 15 years after losing a huge part of hs cortex, when a meter long tamping iron with a diameter of 1.25 inches (3.2 cm) weighing thirteen and about six kilos entered his skull below his left cheek bone and exited after passing through the anterior frontal cortex and white matter. He suffered "some" changes in emotional and social processing, but he was alive. for fifteen years.
Infact, Egas Moniz, received the Nobel Prize for starting the frontal lobotomy, in which this part of the brain is removed or destroyed. Later, Walter Freeman imported the operation to america and popularised it there.
Also read:
Moniz develops lobotomy for mental illness
Relatives of Lobotomy Patients Want Nobel Prize Revoked
Article on sexual selection by Paul R Ehrlich, David S Dobkin and Darryl Wheye
Co-evolution of neocortex size, group size and language in humans by RIM Dunbar
Neocortex size and social network size in primates, paper by H Kudo and RIM Dunbar
The Piraha People at Wikipedia
The Blue Brain project.
Awareness: schizophrenia
Awareness writes about Schizophrenia, and tells us about how "During a psychotic episode, the world as we know it disappears. What is tangibly real morphs into a disconnected tangle of interfering voices, distorted mixed messages and acted upon delusions which all seem believably real to the individual struggling with schizophrenia". More at Awareness: schizophrenia
Schizophrenia and Developing Nations
Schizophrenia and Sainthood
It seems that schizoid tendencies are revered in Christianity. You couldn’t be a Saint unless you demonstrate what are now known to be several symptoms of Schizophrenia. Full article here at
Dangerous Intersections.
Dangerous Intersections.
Arthur Conan Doyle and Kenneth Grahame. Schizophrenics?
http://heritage.scotsman.com/news.cfm?id=262782007
http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/159/6/1068
http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/159/6/1068
madcap files
his coming home. is it a sign?
he's the one that madcap freed
if i could meet him, ask him how
maybe i'd know madcap, i little more
http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1931111,0008.htm
he's the one that madcap freed
if i could meet him, ask him how
maybe i'd know madcap, i little more
http://www.hindustantimes.com/news/181_1931111,0008.htm
neuropsychology, cognition, evolution and love
I know it's explainable by science, and the rest is all rubbish. I learn that in so many papers I read, lectures and talks I sit in. Still, it's such sweet rubbish. I used to think liking someone who doesnt like you back is just pure torture, but it's such sweet torture. I used to think it's just a waste of time, but it's such an lovely waste. It's stupid that a dead-end lane can be so enchanting, isnt it? Isnt it amazing that the fact you know something wont go anywhere, and you would'nt, or could'nt let it, even if it wanted to; that you know it will pass, in time, does in fact make no difference to the rush off blood that sings in your head, each time. It's still sweet torture when eyes meet. keep calm. look calm. smile. casual. easy does it. Dont let on ... Hey! You gotto hide your love away. Its illogical that just a few minutes can last so many hours. That days of reasoning with yourself, learning and teaching control and practising restraint and caution, can be gone with the wind in seconds. But then, it is a windy city ;)
All around me everyone is talking about it. Everyone is falling in or out of love, or rocking boats. Everyone has thrills or tears to share. God! Am I surrounded by love birds. Looking at them, sometimes, I feel tempted by the sweetness of the madness, but sometimes, I think maybe its better off calm.
something, by the Beatles, on youtube
All around me everyone is talking about it. Everyone is falling in or out of love, or rocking boats. Everyone has thrills or tears to share. God! Am I surrounded by love birds. Looking at them, sometimes, I feel tempted by the sweetness of the madness, but sometimes, I think maybe its better off calm.
something, by the Beatles, on youtube
Happy Valentines Day
Today, I just fell in love with this song. It's from Pure Instinct, 1996. Nothing brilliant about it and not really in their regular spirit, but I fell in love with the song all the same.
On a different note, check this out, I loved it! http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=823
you and i, by the scorpions, from the Pure Instincts album, on youtube
I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm not a child anymore, life has opened the door
to a new exciting life
I lose control when I'm close to you babe
I lose control don't look at me like this
there's something in your eyes, is this love at first sight
like a flower that grows, life just wants you to know
all the secrets of life
It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart
You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day
I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm so curious for more just like never before
in my innocent life
It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart
You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day
Time stands still
when days of innocence are falling for the night
I love you girl I always will
I swear I'm there for you till the day I'll die
On a different note, check this out, I loved it! http://www.phdcomics.com/comics.php?f=823
you and i, by the scorpions, from the Pure Instincts album, on youtube
I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm not a child anymore, life has opened the door
to a new exciting life
I lose control when I'm close to you babe
I lose control don't look at me like this
there's something in your eyes, is this love at first sight
like a flower that grows, life just wants you to know
all the secrets of life
It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart
You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day
I lose control because of you babe
I lose control when you look at me like this
there's something in your eyes that is sayin' tonight
I'm so curious for more just like never before
in my innocent life
It's all written down in your lifelines
it's written down inside your heart
You and I just have a dream
to find our love a place
where we can hide away
you and I were just made
to love each other now
forever and a day
Time stands still
when days of innocence are falling for the night
I love you girl I always will
I swear I'm there for you till the day I'll die
ashes of roses
roses smell of birthdays and funerals
it depends on where they grew
heavy, heady, heart breaking
beautiful, breathtaking, bold
one rose, and a smile, is light and sweet
twelve, like frozen dreams, defrosted rotten
brown clotted blood leaves
and black veins of dried tears
embarressment, shame, confusion
trying to figure out in your head
frozen, numb, delusions
hallucinations, of a brighter day
when things you dream of come true
sometimes, they only dissapoint
you want not what you want
but how and from whom
we want not what we want
but we want it how and from who
as time sternly pulls apart
all that you want, and all that wants you
you, torn, inbetween
just freeze in helpless wonder
there's a threshold of pain, propped with numb patience
above which, he said, pain heals itself
the pain from known wounds is bitter sweet
strange wounds hurt fresh and sharp
it depends on where they grew
heavy, heady, heart breaking
beautiful, breathtaking, bold
one rose, and a smile, is light and sweet
twelve, like frozen dreams, defrosted rotten
brown clotted blood leaves
and black veins of dried tears
embarressment, shame, confusion
trying to figure out in your head
frozen, numb, delusions
hallucinations, of a brighter day
when things you dream of come true
sometimes, they only dissapoint
you want not what you want
but how and from whom
we want not what we want
but we want it how and from who
as time sternly pulls apart
all that you want, and all that wants you
you, torn, inbetween
just freeze in helpless wonder
there's a threshold of pain, propped with numb patience
above which, he said, pain heals itself
the pain from known wounds is bitter sweet
strange wounds hurt fresh and sharp
pink
i want a day
pretty pink
dressed up in ribbons and rainbows
blue skies, one cloud
white, fluffy, friendly
green grass
rolling hills
majestic mountains
taller, bigger, older
brave
i want a day
to run away
from troubles, worries
free from dreams,
and nightmares
those who might love you
those you might love
not want to
uncertainities
effort
treading carefully
avoiding toes
to step on
i want a day
away
faraway from everyone
this world
escape to another
better one
clean air
innocent
innocent, clean faces
smutty noses
dirt smeared faces
clean hearts
a little high
on life
on the mountain air
barley beer
bamboo groves
still
silent
eternal
mossy bridges
cool
soft
rustling falls
deep
washed
smooth rocks
bizzare shapes
passion flowers
red, purple
just a touch
for depth
one tiny hand, held up in mine
my shadow
an echo, of my voice in time
stronger, more beautiful
a better me
beside me
to inspire
give hope
care for
listen to
live for
rustling, giggling little voice
tumbles on heedless
are you listening?
didi, look a donkey trail
a shephard
stars
wow! awesome ...
childlike wonder
out there now
far away
on the timeless shores of the ocean
with him who's shadow i am
looping patterns in time
families
mad mixes
of mad genes
one link in the chain
me
taken out
far away
wish i was there with you
arguing out
stupid little things
i want a day
on the hills
alone
because my heart is lonely
clean, fresh winds
with a hint of wet
rushing against a tired face
drying the rain
a want a day
far away
pretty pink
dressed up in ribbons and rainbows
blue skies, one cloud
white, fluffy, friendly
green grass
rolling hills
majestic mountains
taller, bigger, older
brave
i want a day
to run away
from troubles, worries
free from dreams,
and nightmares
those who might love you
those you might love
not want to
uncertainities
effort
treading carefully
avoiding toes
to step on
i want a day
away
faraway from everyone
this world
escape to another
better one
clean air
innocent
innocent, clean faces
smutty noses
dirt smeared faces
clean hearts
a little high
on life
on the mountain air
barley beer
bamboo groves
still
silent
eternal
mossy bridges
cool
soft
rustling falls
deep
washed
smooth rocks
bizzare shapes
passion flowers
red, purple
just a touch
for depth
one tiny hand, held up in mine
my shadow
an echo, of my voice in time
stronger, more beautiful
a better me
beside me
to inspire
give hope
care for
listen to
live for
rustling, giggling little voice
tumbles on heedless
are you listening?
didi, look a donkey trail
a shephard
stars
wow! awesome ...
childlike wonder
out there now
far away
on the timeless shores of the ocean
with him who's shadow i am
looping patterns in time
families
mad mixes
of mad genes
one link in the chain
me
taken out
far away
wish i was there with you
arguing out
stupid little things
i want a day
on the hills
alone
because my heart is lonely
clean, fresh winds
with a hint of wet
rushing against a tired face
drying the rain
a want a day
far away
Underwater Worlds
The days are still dark and cold here. For the first time since the course started, I find myself, in a way, friendless. Most of the times I am too much in a rush to care, but sometimes I miss having friends, if not around, existing. Anyway, it cant be a bad thing. I really need to get work done. I'm sure I will make some soon enough. Friends is a bad word in this context. Thats not really what I mean. Don't know though what the right word is, so I will leave it. An old friend (in both senses of the word) used to say that we are natures 'leanee'. So what we miss most often is someone with whom we can be the leaners for a change. Sometimes I feel that my friends, universally, love me only when they are in an emotional crisis. Which is actually fine with me, for most people, thats what I would prefer, anyway. Dont waste my time if you're fine. If you have a problem and need to talk, I'm there. Is it mean? I dont know. But sometimes, and with some people, its different. Oh, I'm Rambling ...
I was very worried when I started off on this. Burnt my bridges and leaped off into the dark. My first gamble. I wondered if it was worth it, constantly. My family and some friends still cant get why I would reject oxford to do a vague course i dont even know much about. Last few weeks have been so hard, struggling so hard just to keep abreast, that I too, wondered if I must not have been a bit mad. But this morning, browsing, checking bloglines, every article of interest to me was somehow related to something i had done in some class, or something i had a vagueish idea about what they were going on about ... I am sure I didnt express that just the way I meant it ... but, that really made me feel, in a funny way, that I had, infact, done the right thing. The right thing for me.
I am dying to go somewhere. I've never travelled alone just for fun though. Feels weird to do it now. Desperately want to get away, though. Anywhere. Even if its just for a day.
I am inspired by Barbie's taking one year off to travel. Would I ever do it? Suddenly, as for the first time I feel like I might have a vague idea of the direction I really want to go in, and life seems, if not on, then a little closer to the track, the hurry to "get god knows where", prove something, be someone seems to calm and for the first time, I think, like "one of them", I could also imagine atleast, taking a year off to do nothing.
Baba and Barbie are in Andaman. Snorkelling. Walking through the old prison walls. Him telling stories of yesterday the way only he could, and today, and everything. Him being himself. She will probably at some point say "didi said ..." and give away some half baked funda i used sometime to impress her, watch her gape, lol, and he will probably tell her its all crap. Damn. I wanted them to do this now. I knew I would never go to Andaman. Or Somnath. Did'nt know they would throw in Kerala though. I have always longed and longed and longed to go to Kerala. Someday. Strangers become friends as we drift. That is the part of journeying with family that I miss most. I, open to those I love, become ultra social in the company of any one person I care about. Alone, I usually become the solitary brooding scorpion.
Is it a wonder, Meet Joe Black, on my mind? But then, let his eyes light up. Thats enough.
I was very worried when I started off on this. Burnt my bridges and leaped off into the dark. My first gamble. I wondered if it was worth it, constantly. My family and some friends still cant get why I would reject oxford to do a vague course i dont even know much about. Last few weeks have been so hard, struggling so hard just to keep abreast, that I too, wondered if I must not have been a bit mad. But this morning, browsing, checking bloglines, every article of interest to me was somehow related to something i had done in some class, or something i had a vagueish idea about what they were going on about ... I am sure I didnt express that just the way I meant it ... but, that really made me feel, in a funny way, that I had, infact, done the right thing. The right thing for me.
I am dying to go somewhere. I've never travelled alone just for fun though. Feels weird to do it now. Desperately want to get away, though. Anywhere. Even if its just for a day.
I am inspired by Barbie's taking one year off to travel. Would I ever do it? Suddenly, as for the first time I feel like I might have a vague idea of the direction I really want to go in, and life seems, if not on, then a little closer to the track, the hurry to "get god knows where", prove something, be someone seems to calm and for the first time, I think, like "one of them", I could also imagine atleast, taking a year off to do nothing.
Baba and Barbie are in Andaman. Snorkelling. Walking through the old prison walls. Him telling stories of yesterday the way only he could, and today, and everything. Him being himself. She will probably at some point say "didi said ..." and give away some half baked funda i used sometime to impress her, watch her gape, lol, and he will probably tell her its all crap. Damn. I wanted them to do this now. I knew I would never go to Andaman. Or Somnath. Did'nt know they would throw in Kerala though. I have always longed and longed and longed to go to Kerala. Someday. Strangers become friends as we drift. That is the part of journeying with family that I miss most. I, open to those I love, become ultra social in the company of any one person I care about. Alone, I usually become the solitary brooding scorpion.
Is it a wonder, Meet Joe Black, on my mind? But then, let his eyes light up. Thats enough.
That which makes us clever, make us mad
Many psychiatric conditions with a neurological basis have been linked to changes in the brain affecting Dopamine based communication. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, or chemical that transmits signals between nerve cells. It appears to function as an inhibitor. DARPP-32 is a protein thats essential for dopamine-mediated neuronal communication. The gene that encodes DARPP-32 exhibits genetic variation. A variant which increases expression of the mRNA encoding DARPP-32 in the brain was linked to increased performance in a number of cognitive tests, including IQ and memory tests. It was also associated with changes in the structure and function of part of the brain known as the neostriatum, as well as changes in the ability of the neostriatum to communicate with the frontal lobe. This variant was suspected to increase risk of schizophrenia. More at the Science Daily, The Australian and
The Times Online.
The Times Online.
When Harry met Sally
Saw it again after a long time. Like some people, I never really 'get' that movie. I dont know why I keep going back to it. Everytime I do, I think I got it, and then it changes again :)
I like the movie, till the point that they decide to get together. I find that really weird. Just like doctors. How can you suddenly switch status with a friend? a best friend! Does that mean you never were really friends all along?
But philosophy aside, I love the sense of humour and I do love their friendship. Its sweet the way they talk to eachother every night. Its comforting how they are so comfortable with eachother inspite of being so different. I love the funny moments. I like the sweet bits too. Corny, but sweet ... "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
And I love the whole soundtrack, but "it had to be you" is my favourite. Ever since Rahul first played it to me, driving to austin, while telling me his story. There are 3 songs that froze with some memories of that wonderful weekend, and this was one of them.
and while we are on the topic, this used to be my favourite christmas song:
I like the movie, till the point that they decide to get together. I find that really weird. Just like doctors. How can you suddenly switch status with a friend? a best friend! Does that mean you never were really friends all along?
But philosophy aside, I love the sense of humour and I do love their friendship. Its sweet the way they talk to eachother every night. Its comforting how they are so comfortable with eachother inspite of being so different. I love the funny moments. I like the sweet bits too. Corny, but sweet ... "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
And I love the whole soundtrack, but "it had to be you" is my favourite. Ever since Rahul first played it to me, driving to austin, while telling me his story. There are 3 songs that froze with some memories of that wonderful weekend, and this was one of them.
and while we are on the topic, this used to be my favourite christmas song:
Creativity and Schizotypy
A possible cause for the endurance and continued growth of Schizophrenia in spite of it being a genetically based disease.
(My upcoming paper)
Schizotypy, creativity and mating success in humans - Daniel Nettle, Helen Clegg (Full article, PDF)
The creative process: A phenomenological and psychometric investigation of artistic creativity - Christopher Barnaby Nelson (Full article PDF)
Creativity and mental illness: Prevalence rates in writers and their first degree relatives - Nancy C Andreasen (Full article PDF)
Natural selection and schizophrenia - Roger J Sullivan, John S Allen (Abstract)
Pic: Syd Barrett
(My upcoming paper)
Although diseases like Schizophrenia can be a hugely debilitating mental disorder, which has been proved to have a genetic basis, it has been present in the human race for a long time and instead of slowly dying out, as would be expected of a disease with a genetic basis, it is still believed to be growing at a remarkably fast rate, currently affecting roughly 1% of the worlds population.
'Schizotypy' is an embryonic form of Schizophrenia, in which the affected person possesses some of the symptoms of the Schizophrenic Spectrum, like a tendency to non conformity and unusual experiences, they do not display certain other traits like introversion, affective disorders, an inability to find pleasure in everyday situations, or avolition. As a result of this they lead fairly normal lives, although they share some mental tendencies with Schizophrenic personalities. Recent studies by have found that these individuals have a tendency to greater creativity, which in turn has been shown to lead to greater mating success. This would explain why we continue to have Schizophrenia in society, because a milder variant, which could then occur amongst close relatives of affected individuals, will lead to greater mating success.
Other articles:Schizotypy, creativity and mating success in humans - Daniel Nettle, Helen Clegg (Full article, PDF)
The creative process: A phenomenological and psychometric investigation of artistic creativity - Christopher Barnaby Nelson (Full article PDF)
Creativity and mental illness: Prevalence rates in writers and their first degree relatives - Nancy C Andreasen (Full article PDF)
Natural selection and schizophrenia - Roger J Sullivan, John S Allen (Abstract)
Pic: Syd Barrett
works done. deadlines over. now i'm bored ...
Randomly surfing you tube came across this. Its the cutest and funniest Hindi movie I have seen sinc Bluffmaster! I love it!
and reading old posts from this blog before i moved out and moved back in. all the way back, from when i was in texas! Here's one: where does this road lead
And I loved this on rimi's blog!
I feel like going somewhere - very much
just random'ly
the way we would when we were kids
or rather parents would and we'd tag along
people would have come for dinner
and they'd be sitting and chatting over dessert
and suddenly get up and decide to drive off somewhere for the weekend
most of the times, i enjoy the sanity and peace of the being
the boring and straitlaced person i am
but once in a while i miss the madness of my childhood
growing up with my mad gypsy parents
and reading old posts from this blog before i moved out and moved back in. all the way back, from when i was in texas! Here's one: where does this road lead
And I loved this on rimi's blog!
| Which Positive Quality Are You? Your Result: Charity You are Charity. The spirit of giving has been promoted by every religion. Charity is kindness. It is compassion for our fellow man. Charity doesn't ask anything in return, and in this way it serves as the opposite of greed. "Be charitable with many." | |
| Love | |
| Friendship | |
| Courage | |
| Peace | |
| Faith | |
| Which Positive Quality Are You? | |
| What color are you? Your Result: Pink You are pink! You are girly and though you may not like to show it, it shines through all the same. If you are a guy then...well, you're gay. You are a happy person who likes to make others happy. Smiling is your favorite thing to do. | |
| White | |
| Yellow | |
| Purple | |
| Green | |
| Blue | |
| Red | |
| Black | |
| What color are you? Take More Quizzes | |
| what Kinda Guy Is YOUR type? Your Result: Cocky Guy a guy that could care less what you think or care less about your feelings. One that would rather hang with the guys and treat you like your second best. hes there but only when he wants to mess around or get laid. So if this is your type.....good luck.... | |
| Punk/Goth | |
| Pretty Boys | |
| Kick/Country Boy | |
| what Kinda Guy Is YOUR type? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz | |
I feel like going somewhere - very much
just random'ly
the way we would when we were kids
or rather parents would and we'd tag along
people would have come for dinner
and they'd be sitting and chatting over dessert
and suddenly get up and decide to drive off somewhere for the weekend
most of the times, i enjoy the sanity and peace of the being
the boring and straitlaced person i am
but once in a while i miss the madness of my childhood
growing up with my mad gypsy parents
Why the flashy males?
An interesting article from Tropical Topics.
We humans flout the rules of nature. While it is generally human females who go for colours and ornamentation, in most other species, if there is a difference between the sexes, it is invariably the males which dress up.
Read more(PDF file)
Koffee with Karan: Neetu Singh and Rishi Kapur
These two were one of my favourite couples in old hindi films, and I loved watching this interview. It was really sweet! Check it out ...
Love Songs
I keep telling myself I should be sadder,
but my exuberance is spilling over!
Is my gaurd, my wall, slipping?
Have I forgotten, I'm still in mourning?
It's been just two years and a quarter.
The pyre still burns steadily over.
Besides, why should I rejoice?
Yet, I can hardly still this voice!
Once more, a nothing will be unsung.
Just a verse, is not a song.
but my exuberance is spilling over!
Is my gaurd, my wall, slipping?
Have I forgotten, I'm still in mourning?
It's been just two years and a quarter.
The pyre still burns steadily over.
Besides, why should I rejoice?
Yet, I can hardly still this voice!
Once more, a nothing will be unsung.
Just a verse, is not a song.
Pyar Ka Side Effects
To prove the total lack of logic behind my song-in-the-head theory, and/or my stupidity and/or confusion, I have had random insane songs stuck in my head lately. Golden Earring, Pyaar Ka Side Effects, Rang De Basanti, Woh Lamhe, Yuva and Guru, when I should have something like Misty Blue or Ye Jeena Bhi Koi Jeena Hai, Lallu!
This is why I like Rahul Bose. Even when he does a crappy movie, with some random person, the result is hilarious and wonderful! I loved this movie. I had been trying to convert a wannabe phirang pal over to bollywood latley, one of my favourite soapboxes. I gave up when he did'nt love this movie! If you have any kind of sense of humour, if you are one of those always complaining about my lack thereof, watch this movie :D
Its probably a cliched, hackneyed theme. Nothing new in the story, but it didnt need the novelty. Something about the way it was carried off was fresh and real and full of "oh my god I've been there moments". My favourite was bose's pal who hates to change his underwear. Or the one where the same friend tells a heartbroken bose, freshly ditched by sherawat, that ofcourse she'll take him back, because she has already spent three years 'training him'. Or on a more serious (?) note, when he tries to forget her by dating again, but cant get it together with anyone else, and one of his new girlfriends tells him, you ran away for fear of committment, but inside your head, you already are committed to her.
Not to mention the awesome soundtrack. The fact that he was a DJ reminded me of hi-fidelity. And the fact that he is narrating it, as well. There are shades of them in each other, but ofcourse, even rahul bose cannot ever come close to cussack for
me (you are what you like, not what you are like). Even otherwise, 'so exasperating but cannot help loving him' scale, this character is nowhere near the one in hi-fi. But the movie is fun.
Damn. Now I'll probably have "most of the time" on my head all day tomorrow!
This is why I like Rahul Bose. Even when he does a crappy movie, with some random person, the result is hilarious and wonderful! I loved this movie. I had been trying to convert a wannabe phirang pal over to bollywood latley, one of my favourite soapboxes. I gave up when he did'nt love this movie! If you have any kind of sense of humour, if you are one of those always complaining about my lack thereof, watch this movie :D
Its probably a cliched, hackneyed theme. Nothing new in the story, but it didnt need the novelty. Something about the way it was carried off was fresh and real and full of "oh my god I've been there moments". My favourite was bose's pal who hates to change his underwear. Or the one where the same friend tells a heartbroken bose, freshly ditched by sherawat, that ofcourse she'll take him back, because she has already spent three years 'training him'. Or on a more serious (?) note, when he tries to forget her by dating again, but cant get it together with anyone else, and one of his new girlfriends tells him, you ran away for fear of committment, but inside your head, you already are committed to her.
Not to mention the awesome soundtrack. The fact that he was a DJ reminded me of hi-fidelity. And the fact that he is narrating it, as well. There are shades of them in each other, but ofcourse, even rahul bose cannot ever come close to cussack for
me (you are what you like, not what you are like). Even otherwise, 'so exasperating but cannot help loving him' scale, this character is nowhere near the one in hi-fi. But the movie is fun.
Damn. Now I'll probably have "most of the time" on my head all day tomorrow!
My Madcap Collage
sweetheart, sweetheart, are you fast asleep? good.
do you remember me, how we used to be, dont you think ....
why dont you talk to me ...
is that a hint of accusation, in ur eyes?
do you remember me, how we used to be, dont you think ....
why dont you talk to me ...
is that a hint of accusation, in ur eyes?
I made this from all the syd barrett pictures i found online - None of these are mine, really. So if anyone has any objections, please let me know and I will take them off. Thanks :)
Rest of my Barrett stuff is here : recerche.blogspot.com/search/label/Madcap%20Series and here
disclaimer - none of these photos belong to me and i found them all on the internet. if anyone objects to them being used like this - please let me know.
Rest of my Barrett stuff is here : recerche.blogspot.com/search/label/Madcap%20Series and here.
Madcap Dreams
I woke up to you staring at me
Perched at the corner of my bed
I dont know your name,
or who you are, friend, foe, passing noone
You bring a touch of desperate restlessness
You tickle my gypsy feet
I wake up with a itch I cannot place
That I could not reach, that I cannot scratch
You are as unshakable, as you are elusive
As strong as you are nameless and unknowable
Everyday sensed, never felt
You are the uncapturable
If I could put my finger on it
I would know you, crazy, shapeless madness
Are you just madcap, come finally
I know he has many faces.
I can see the words frozen on your face.
You cant find the words, or strength,
to form them across the space between us
and i cant read, or trust in, what might not even be there
every now and then i think i see you
and then again time passes and its not there
it leaves me feeling a madness, a strange desperation
it leaves me with a breathless restless anticipation
i'm going crazy, but i dont know what of
You bring a touch of desperate restlessness
You play with my half mad mind
you make me dream of silly things, see phantoms in the daylight
i'm scared of this feeling and its growing
the underline of ecstacy apart
i need to get past this whirlpool un-sucked-in
in need to get past this night alive
i need to be calm and friendly
the underline of indifference is what's hard
Perched at the corner of my bed
I dont know your name,
or who you are, friend, foe, passing noone
You bring a touch of desperate restlessness
You tickle my gypsy feet
I wake up with a itch I cannot place
That I could not reach, that I cannot scratch
You are as unshakable, as you are elusive
As strong as you are nameless and unknowable
Everyday sensed, never felt
You are the uncapturable
If I could put my finger on it
I would know you, crazy, shapeless madness
Are you just madcap, come finally
I know he has many faces.
I can see the words frozen on your face.
You cant find the words, or strength,
to form them across the space between us
and i cant read, or trust in, what might not even be there
every now and then i think i see you
and then again time passes and its not there
it leaves me feeling a madness, a strange desperation
it leaves me with a breathless restless anticipation
i'm going crazy, but i dont know what of
You bring a touch of desperate restlessness
You play with my half mad mind
you make me dream of silly things, see phantoms in the daylight
i'm scared of this feeling and its growing
the underline of ecstacy apart
i need to get past this whirlpool un-sucked-in
in need to get past this night alive
i need to be calm and friendly
the underline of indifference is what's hard
chita
pata nahi kaise jali teri chita,
hone chale saal teen, ab bhi jal rahi chita
ek ek hawa ka toofan ayaa, aag dabi
aur phir chali chita
har ehsaas, har gum, har khushi, ke neeche tera gum raha
har ehsaas mehmaan ho aaya gaya, jab jab ghar khali raha, tera gum raha
hone chale saal teen, ab bhi jal rahi chita
ek ek hawa ka toofan ayaa, aag dabi
aur phir chali chita
har ehsaas, har gum, har khushi, ke neeche tera gum raha
har ehsaas mehmaan ho aaya gaya, jab jab ghar khali raha, tera gum raha
khat
man ko apne bahut pukaara
khafa rehna chaaha
jo kabhi na tha humara
kaisa us pe rona
ab ki baar jo khat aaya
maine thaan liya tha
dar se lauta denge hum bhi
na lenge khat tumhara
be-imaan par dil hai bada
rah pe ja baitha
khuli ho ya band ho aakhein, dekhe rasta tumhara
khafa rehna chaaha
jo kabhi na tha humara
kaisa us pe rona
ab ki baar jo khat aaya
maine thaan liya tha
dar se lauta denge hum bhi
na lenge khat tumhara
be-imaan par dil hai bada
rah pe ja baitha
khuli ho ya band ho aakhein, dekhe rasta tumhara
strengths and weaknes
the thing i hate most about myself is that i cant say no. i have hurt more people more out of pity and empathy, than by any of my legendary tempers or frost sessions. i do remember how i myself used say that "the worst insult you can give another fellow human being is to pity them". that was the first of my great "sayings" as a friend used to say. but all that changed as i grew. guilt has many manifestations. the growing burden of remorse, or is it just fear? I dont know why, but each little bit kinder i get, in a way, the worse kind of person i think i am becoming
Not in Love
I wrote this a long long time ago and forgot all about it! Found it today cleaning up my hard disk. What was I thinking? lol. Dont even remember :)
I'm definitely not in love with you!
Infact, sometimes I dont even like you,
Too much. Or too much of you.
I get mad at most things you do
Though in I keep quiet
and Ignore it
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
However, in the patchwork quilt
that makes each of us complete
there's random squares of you,
that I am funnily getting addicted to!
So thats probably why I think of you so much too
Or so much of you.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
It's just that when I go to sleep,
you and I always meet!
The world becomes a faerie land
And everything is sweet and grand
However, once I wake,
the magic always fades.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
Sometimes, I must admit,
I go out of my way, just a bit,
Just to be a little closer
Just for a little longer
However, I am sure it's a passing thing
Best ignored, like a chocolate craving.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
I'm definitely not in love with you!
Infact, sometimes I dont even like you,
Too much. Or too much of you.
I get mad at most things you do
Though in I keep quiet
and Ignore it
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
However, in the patchwork quilt
that makes each of us complete
there's random squares of you,
that I am funnily getting addicted to!
So thats probably why I think of you so much too
Or so much of you.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
It's just that when I go to sleep,
you and I always meet!
The world becomes a faerie land
And everything is sweet and grand
However, once I wake,
the magic always fades.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
Sometimes, I must admit,
I go out of my way, just a bit,
Just to be a little closer
Just for a little longer
However, I am sure it's a passing thing
Best ignored, like a chocolate craving.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
Looking for a new start, again ...
this is a new start
will this work any better?
does a new face bring a new voice?
will this work any better?
does a new face bring a new voice?
chocolate amer: bitter chocolate
dark chocolate. bitter sweet. random thoughts. part verse. part lyric. part prose
can you hear it?
words strings. voices. echoes. memories. imaginings. colours splashes. feelings. looks. secrets. twins. ghosts of hear and now. ghosts of murdered dreams. dreams of murdered ghosts. nightmares. dreams.
soul songs. soul cries. soul laughter.
can you feel it?
can you hear it?
words strings. voices. echoes. memories. imaginings. colours splashes. feelings. looks. secrets. twins. ghosts of hear and now. ghosts of murdered dreams. dreams of murdered ghosts. nightmares. dreams.
soul songs. soul cries. soul laughter.
can you feel it?
amsterdam on my mind
checked purple flowers
Originally uploaded by preron.
purple tulips
Originally uploaded by preron.
its been a long time since the amsterdam trip, but for some reason, it kept coming to my mind today. maybe its because i was sitting in the garage and talking about paris and germany. i dont know what the connection is, just going somewhere, i suppose. we saw a whole lot of flowers. understandably, since we went for the tulip festival. but these two remain fresh in my head. this one reminded me of the roses my mom got back from chandigarh when we went for kishen uncles wedding. met vijay uncle finally. bizzare. after all these years, everyone seems so different.
requiem for a dream
i thought you had come home, when you stopped by the door
that you would knock, and with thundering heart
and trembling hands, i prepared, not to open the door.
how would i send you away? how would i stop you from stepping in?
into my horrible, dirty, broken house ...
but as you passed i realised
it was just a pebble in your shoe,
or else curiousity, in a new part of town.
and in the darkness i hadnt seen,
the shadow of someone else by ur side
its just like it was in the dream
everything u ever dreamed of, so close
and then dissapear. life is never as it seems.
u get some, you want some.
they never meet.
dont you ever wish you could command hearts ...
choose when and where and how?
dont you ever wish, you could give when asked
and to whoever the asker was ...
we could all live and love, efficiantly, and none of it wasted unasked.
that you would knock, and with thundering heart
and trembling hands, i prepared, not to open the door.
how would i send you away? how would i stop you from stepping in?
into my horrible, dirty, broken house ...
but as you passed i realised
it was just a pebble in your shoe,
or else curiousity, in a new part of town.
and in the darkness i hadnt seen,
the shadow of someone else by ur side
its just like it was in the dream
everything u ever dreamed of, so close
and then dissapear. life is never as it seems.
u get some, you want some.
they never meet.
dont you ever wish you could command hearts ...
choose when and where and how?
dont you ever wish, you could give when asked
and to whoever the asker was ...
we could all live and love, efficiantly, and none of it wasted unasked.
A Good Day to Die
it was a beautiful day. they were a beautiful sequence of days. the sun was shining. it came and it went, but when it came, it really shone. soft and sweet. and once, direct, bang in my eyes.
but thats not the day i thought of it. i thought of it another time. it had been one whole sunny afternoon. the sun smiled, grinning in quaint grey corners, twinkling on polished old cobble stones. many dreams came true that day. thats when i thought of it.
i doubt that i will ever be able to explain it. its one thing to feel things, and another to shape them in words. have you ever lived a moment so perfect, so full of promises that you dont ever want it to end? a moment who's promise is so exquisite, pleasure so complete, that you dont want to move a step beyond it?
i remember flatliners. havent seen that in a long time, wanted to see it again. they are showing a bout de souffle, and atlast, double life of veronique at Edinburgh Film Centre.
whats new is a kind of letting go. there's a common thread to all the different types of courage i have found in the last few months. courage to open up and let people in. courage to try something new. courage to risk losing, failing, being rejected, looking stupid, being disliked. courage to close your eyes and step off the ledge, past the fear of falling, because you dreamed of flight. maybe it will be allright. i know that if i can only make it past this moment, this day, i will survive.
but thats not the day i thought of it. i thought of it another time. it had been one whole sunny afternoon. the sun smiled, grinning in quaint grey corners, twinkling on polished old cobble stones. many dreams came true that day. thats when i thought of it.
i doubt that i will ever be able to explain it. its one thing to feel things, and another to shape them in words. have you ever lived a moment so perfect, so full of promises that you dont ever want it to end? a moment who's promise is so exquisite, pleasure so complete, that you dont want to move a step beyond it?
i remember flatliners. havent seen that in a long time, wanted to see it again. they are showing a bout de souffle, and atlast, double life of veronique at Edinburgh Film Centre.
whats new is a kind of letting go. there's a common thread to all the different types of courage i have found in the last few months. courage to open up and let people in. courage to try something new. courage to risk losing, failing, being rejected, looking stupid, being disliked. courage to close your eyes and step off the ledge, past the fear of falling, because you dreamed of flight. maybe it will be allright. i know that if i can only make it past this moment, this day, i will survive.
around the corner
it was a beautiful day. they were a beautiful sequence of days. the sun was shining. it came and it went, but when it came, it really shone. soft and sweet. and once, direct, bang in my eyes.
but thats not the day i thought of it. i thought of it another time. it had been one whole sunny afternoon. the sun smiled, grinning in quaint grey corners, twinkling on polished old cobble stones. many dreams came true that day. thats when i thought of it.
i doubt that i will ever be able to explain it. its one thing to feel things, and another to shape them in words. have you ever lived a moment so perfect, so full of promises that you dont ever want it to end? a moment who's promise is so exquisite, pleasure so complete, that you dont want to move a step beyond it?
i remember flatliners. havent seen that in a long time, wanted to see it again. they are showing a bout de souffle, and atlast, double life of veronique at Edinburgh Film Centre.
whats new is a kind of letting go. there's a common thread to all the different types of courage i have found in the last few months. courage to open up and let people in. courage to try something new. courage to risk losing, failing, being rejected, looking stupid, being disliked. courage to close your eyes and step off the ledge, past the fear of falling, because you dreamed of flight. maybe it will be allright.
but thats not the day i thought of it. i thought of it another time. it had been one whole sunny afternoon. the sun smiled, grinning in quaint grey corners, twinkling on polished old cobble stones. many dreams came true that day. thats when i thought of it.
i doubt that i will ever be able to explain it. its one thing to feel things, and another to shape them in words. have you ever lived a moment so perfect, so full of promises that you dont ever want it to end? a moment who's promise is so exquisite, pleasure so complete, that you dont want to move a step beyond it?
i remember flatliners. havent seen that in a long time, wanted to see it again. they are showing a bout de souffle, and atlast, double life of veronique at Edinburgh Film Centre.
whats new is a kind of letting go. there's a common thread to all the different types of courage i have found in the last few months. courage to open up and let people in. courage to try something new. courage to risk losing, failing, being rejected, looking stupid, being disliked. courage to close your eyes and step off the ledge, past the fear of falling, because you dreamed of flight. maybe it will be allright.
crankpot
i'm becoming cranky, nasty, bitter
and perpetually, sweetly, deviously, sarcastic
do i watch out zealously to find in others
faults i cringe to see in me?
the thing is, you need a window, and a lot of blinds
and scattering of ventilators
and a couple of doors that can be opened from the outside
some NMI's? without ma and with baribe far away,
there are no more NMI's
and perpetually, sweetly, deviously, sarcastic
do i watch out zealously to find in others
faults i cringe to see in me?
the thing is, you need a window, and a lot of blinds
and scattering of ventilators
and a couple of doors that can be opened from the outside
some NMI's? without ma and with baribe far away,
there are no more NMI's
a time of life
i've gotten hooked on to this song
,
and
.
Traffic signal is cute too! but not that great ...
the time is not yet right, to feel the things i'm feeling.
many things, but predominantly these: old, helpless, wistful, sad, spent.
i feel them in advance, bcz i can almost see it from here.
there's still a long way to go, before i can say i am so sorry i failed,
or that i didnt succeed more. didnt live a shade more vibrantly,
but i doubt that i'll be able to lift the weight of anymore milestones,
or the millstones on the price tags.
its watching these visions of dreams, heroism and romance
that does it. did i ever get there?
i'd thought it would last forever if it ever came,
but like everything else, glory comes in its time
and quietly whimpers away.
we live and die ordinary, grey, everyday colours and shades.
why do dreams ever flare?
teasingly, tauntingly, persisntantly,
why do the keep coming to visit nights?
technicolour, silly, grandiose,
love, ambitions and fairytales.
was life worth living, if this was to be how the end?
comfortable, loving, warm,
good, boring, insipid
is it true, the view from this point on the road?
is this the way we'll go? is it worth anything saying i wont let it?
yet i know i probably wont give up so easily.
but the thought of it makes me tired these days. such a long way
'long is the way and hard,
that out of darkness leads to light'
we go through most of life alone.
we have friends we hang out with,
we have people to talk to,
we have things to do and places to go and people to go with,
so what is it that we are still left longing for?
what is that little extra something
which we so desperately, secretly, universally long for?
is it love? or is it just posession? ownership?
she, (my springs of life?) who loved me so much,
used to say love is the most selfish feeling ever ...
and a mothers love the most selfish of them all.
i wish i had seen what she was saying then.
maybe you had it right all along
it was a possession thing that it was all about
but life goes on, doesnt it?
life, or something like it.
like ghosts in the dark, and afternoon faeries in the woods
visions of fascinating, mesmerising, tantalising impossible dreams
and ghoulish nightmarish memories of daemons of the past
follow you through with equal ardour as you run through the woods
this is not why i came to the woods
the impossibility of the dream, does not dampen
the wild rush of blood to the head
the racing pulses, the fleeting madness
of one second, one breathless instant,
one single glance, one feeble hope, one fading dream
like the weak sunlight of the morning
that tries to clear the the still throbbing reality of
the dream that has been awoken, and hushed
but the echoes live on, all day, every day
ur thoughts are as all pervasive,
as they are stupid.
please leave my head!
love brings hope and sunshine.
love wakes the dead.
dying, the gentlest and sweetest of love,
becomes a haunting, empty numbness.
i dont know which i fear more:
the sweetness of your torture,
or the fear of ur fading.
what hurts more:
the pain, or its easing.
losing u is hard enough;
i dont want to lose ur sorrow.
isnt it sad when u seek out the cruel in someone hungry for some trace for real, tangible, human emotion, experience? or is it sadder that there always is some core of cruelty to be found. or is it sadder that thats the only emotion that will ever manage be able to cross the threshold of intensity of ur hunger, from most people?
,
and
.
Traffic signal is cute too! but not that great ...
the time is not yet right, to feel the things i'm feeling.
many things, but predominantly these: old, helpless, wistful, sad, spent.
i feel them in advance, bcz i can almost see it from here.
there's still a long way to go, before i can say i am so sorry i failed,
or that i didnt succeed more. didnt live a shade more vibrantly,
but i doubt that i'll be able to lift the weight of anymore milestones,
or the millstones on the price tags.
its watching these visions of dreams, heroism and romance
that does it. did i ever get there?
i'd thought it would last forever if it ever came,
but like everything else, glory comes in its time
and quietly whimpers away.
we live and die ordinary, grey, everyday colours and shades.
why do dreams ever flare?
teasingly, tauntingly, persisntantly,
why do the keep coming to visit nights?
technicolour, silly, grandiose,
love, ambitions and fairytales.
was life worth living, if this was to be how the end?
comfortable, loving, warm,
good, boring, insipid
is it true, the view from this point on the road?
is this the way we'll go? is it worth anything saying i wont let it?
yet i know i probably wont give up so easily.
but the thought of it makes me tired these days. such a long way
'long is the way and hard,
that out of darkness leads to light'
we go through most of life alone.
we have friends we hang out with,
we have people to talk to,
we have things to do and places to go and people to go with,
so what is it that we are still left longing for?
what is that little extra something
which we so desperately, secretly, universally long for?
is it love? or is it just posession? ownership?
she, (my springs of life?) who loved me so much,
used to say love is the most selfish feeling ever ...
and a mothers love the most selfish of them all.
i wish i had seen what she was saying then.
maybe you had it right all along
it was a possession thing that it was all about
but life goes on, doesnt it?
life, or something like it.
like ghosts in the dark, and afternoon faeries in the woods
visions of fascinating, mesmerising, tantalising impossible dreams
and ghoulish nightmarish memories of daemons of the past
follow you through with equal ardour as you run through the woods
this is not why i came to the woods
the impossibility of the dream, does not dampen
the wild rush of blood to the head
the racing pulses, the fleeting madness
of one second, one breathless instant,
one single glance, one feeble hope, one fading dream
like the weak sunlight of the morning
that tries to clear the the still throbbing reality of
the dream that has been awoken, and hushed
but the echoes live on, all day, every day
ur thoughts are as all pervasive,
as they are stupid.
please leave my head!
love brings hope and sunshine.
love wakes the dead.
dying, the gentlest and sweetest of love,
becomes a haunting, empty numbness.
i dont know which i fear more:
the sweetness of your torture,
or the fear of ur fading.
what hurts more:
the pain, or its easing.
losing u is hard enough;
i dont want to lose ur sorrow.
isnt it sad when u seek out the cruel in someone hungry for some trace for real, tangible, human emotion, experience? or is it sadder that there always is some core of cruelty to be found. or is it sadder that thats the only emotion that will ever manage be able to cross the threshold of intensity of ur hunger, from most people?
what have i done
i'm sinking faster than a stone
i'll never get out alive this time
this would be a good place to stop
is today a good time to go
like a lottery - escalating
maybe its about knowing when to quit
in either way, in either sphere
it will never be better than today
i'll never get out alive this time
this would be a good place to stop
is today a good time to go
like a lottery - escalating
maybe its about knowing when to quit
in either way, in either sphere
it will never be better than today
sister of my soul. and other ramblings.
still tired and nauseus almost all the time
under a couple of layers of miscellaneous excitements
is a layer of calm numbness
and beneath that a speechless panic that
next a layer of impotent detachment.
as it watches the rotating mind pass that spot again
where it knows a way of life has passed for ever
and though the table has been cleared
and the sorbet brought in,
i have no clue what i want for my next course
at the bottom, i think, is stinging angst
of feeling unsettled and unsure
and just plain missing friends
and their reality checks.
without you to give me a reference point
without you to laugh with,
without you crack stupid inside jokes with,
without you to talk about love, life and men with,
friendless, twinless, alone.
anyone else is too many words away
noone knows as much background as you
i could talk but who'd understand
half sentences, like you do.
watching Hazaaron Khwaishen reawekens the itch
and relocates it tantalisingly, teasingly,
just barely out of reach.
what who where is this thing
i ache to be.
outside, its a sunny day.
and i'm feeling much better today,
thank you. a bit busy (for polite non conversation).
brb. catch you. cheers. happy new year to you too.
under a couple of layers of miscellaneous excitements
is a layer of calm numbness
and beneath that a speechless panic that
next a layer of impotent detachment.
as it watches the rotating mind pass that spot again
where it knows a way of life has passed for ever
and though the table has been cleared
and the sorbet brought in,
i have no clue what i want for my next course
at the bottom, i think, is stinging angst
of feeling unsettled and unsure
and just plain missing friends
and their reality checks.
without you to give me a reference point
without you to laugh with,
without you crack stupid inside jokes with,
without you to talk about love, life and men with,
friendless, twinless, alone.
anyone else is too many words away
noone knows as much background as you
i could talk but who'd understand
half sentences, like you do.
watching Hazaaron Khwaishen reawekens the itch
and relocates it tantalisingly, teasingly,
just barely out of reach.
what who where is this thing
i ache to be.
outside, its a sunny day.
and i'm feeling much better today,
thank you. a bit busy (for polite non conversation).
brb. catch you. cheers. happy new year to you too.
love, or something like it
in most womens lives, there are atleast three men
the one she loves. the one who loves her. and the safest bet.
any or all can be manifested in one person,
be absent, be imaginary, yet to appear, in trial, or absent.
if a lot of people love you, you cannot
love everyone who loves you.
sometimes, some people bore you so lethally,
that however fond of them you are, or however sorry you feel for them,
or however much you want to, or however hard you try,
its impossible to love them.
i have often thought that some people have an aptitude for joy. they are happy whatever the circumstance. the reverse is also true.
i think the same is true for love, and in relationships.
its possible to oscillate between the two ends or,
live somewhere in between.
the one she loves. the one who loves her. and the safest bet.
any or all can be manifested in one person,
be absent, be imaginary, yet to appear, in trial, or absent.
if a lot of people love you, you cannot
love everyone who loves you.
sometimes, some people bore you so lethally,
that however fond of them you are, or however sorry you feel for them,
or however much you want to, or however hard you try,
its impossible to love them.
i have often thought that some people have an aptitude for joy. they are happy whatever the circumstance. the reverse is also true.
i think the same is true for love, and in relationships.
its possible to oscillate between the two ends or,
live somewhere in between.
Open 2007
i'm back in edinburgh after a month
went home - dubai, then cal, then dubai
saw a lot of movies
partied a lot
met a lot of old friends and some new
it was a fun hols
now i'm psyched bcz i think i lost a cd case
i dont even know if i ever had it
like most people around me, i'm not exactly bored but kind of
outta things to say to the blog
so ill stop here before ennui turns to angst
till inspiration strikes again ...
happy new year everyone
went home - dubai, then cal, then dubai
saw a lot of movies
partied a lot
met a lot of old friends and some new
it was a fun hols
now i'm psyched bcz i think i lost a cd case
i dont even know if i ever had it
like most people around me, i'm not exactly bored but kind of
outta things to say to the blog
so ill stop here before ennui turns to angst
till inspiration strikes again ...
happy new year everyone