I looked ur way
with my heart in my eyes
my soul melted in a puddle at my feet
and wondered why
you dont love me
like the way you did before
anymore
and what could I do
to make your love grow
back
once more
cause Id do anything
anything at all
though I know
I deserve nothing
and how can I say to you
give it back to me
how could I even look in ur eyes
and smile
like the way I used to do
when you loved me
the way you used to
yesterday
could I but run back to that moment
once more
its all happening
what a day
my house guest arrives tomorrow night
I need to cook and clean and a 1000 other things before she arrives
my house is dirtier than the proverbial pigsty!
and Im in one of my "living at work" phases
blimey! what luck!
onthe brighter side - the dll error is fixed
but the actual background operation is still not getting down
minor glitch for major heroes!
i gave up today - will take up battle again tomorrow ...
slept at 4 am last night! woke up to bach on the radio at 8 am ... half an hour late for work
so tonight Im taking no chances and I shall settle down with my book as indecently early as half 10 ;)
my house guest arrives tomorrow night
I need to cook and clean and a 1000 other things before she arrives
my house is dirtier than the proverbial pigsty!
and Im in one of my "living at work" phases
blimey! what luck!
onthe brighter side - the dll error is fixed
but the actual background operation is still not getting down
minor glitch for major heroes!
i gave up today - will take up battle again tomorrow ...
slept at 4 am last night! woke up to bach on the radio at 8 am ... half an hour late for work
so tonight Im taking no chances and I shall settle down with my book as indecently early as half 10 ;)
i set out for freedom
with a destination to aim for
i lost my way soon enough
down serendipitous roads
and found myself
in the jungle of your love
fire and ice
pleasure and penance
hardship and reward
father, child, god
i found everything in you
and now Im losing it all
all over again
what can I do
but smile through the pain
but its hard to be brave
and sometimes I still cry
time enough for tears
when ur finally gone
i must somehow keep smiling
while im still in your arms
hearts can love
but hearts cant hold
when the loved one grows restive
you've got to let him go
uve got to let go
but inside my heart
while u hold me strong
a wild cry shouts a storm
'dont go. dont leave me. else I shall die'
its all I can do to keep it mute
while I smile bright and say 'Ill love you'
my heart will stay
like mirror undisturbed
frozen, hidden, a reflection of your eyes
caught in the moment you passed me by
on your long and forward road
with a destination to aim for
i lost my way soon enough
down serendipitous roads
and found myself
in the jungle of your love
fire and ice
pleasure and penance
hardship and reward
father, child, god
i found everything in you
and now Im losing it all
all over again
what can I do
but smile through the pain
but its hard to be brave
and sometimes I still cry
time enough for tears
when ur finally gone
i must somehow keep smiling
while im still in your arms
hearts can love
but hearts cant hold
when the loved one grows restive
you've got to let him go
uve got to let go
but inside my heart
while u hold me strong
a wild cry shouts a storm
'dont go. dont leave me. else I shall die'
its all I can do to keep it mute
while I smile bright and say 'Ill love you'
my heart will stay
like mirror undisturbed
frozen, hidden, a reflection of your eyes
caught in the moment you passed me by
on your long and forward road
freezing
its so cold
its so so cold
i thought texas was supposed to be hot all the time!
oh god ... Im sorry for all the times I cribbed about the heat
im frozen upto my eyeballs :)
it was colder in the last place i was
but it was cold all the time so i was used to it
here it alternates between the two extremes
and totally unsettles me
u need to check the weather forecast before dressing up!
at work - Im going nuts with my calling a vc dll from vb trick
everything is nicely declared and set out still the idiot keeps saying 'cant find function' ... its so maddening!
its so so cold
i thought texas was supposed to be hot all the time!
oh god ... Im sorry for all the times I cribbed about the heat
im frozen upto my eyeballs :)
it was colder in the last place i was
but it was cold all the time so i was used to it
here it alternates between the two extremes
and totally unsettles me
u need to check the weather forecast before dressing up!
at work - Im going nuts with my calling a vc dll from vb trick
everything is nicely declared and set out still the idiot keeps saying 'cant find function' ... its so maddening!
tell me when
tell me Ill get over you?
one day, sooner or later
tell me my heart wont twist and writhe like this
one day, sooner or later
tell me Ill be like before
one day, sooner or later
tell me i wont freeze when theres a knock on the door
thinking it just might be you
tell me my heart wont jump when the phone rings
thinking it just might be you
tell me each day wont be a burden
to get through somehow. to be put behind
someday ahead i'll be able to think
of ur face without weeping pain
someday ahead i'll be able to tell someone
about you and all my love meant
someday ahead i'll be able to smile peacefully
in fond remembrance of a sweet time past
u just dont care, that must be it
they were all lies u told me
nothing else could explain it.
why did u tell me u loved me
one day, sooner or later
tell me my heart wont twist and writhe like this
one day, sooner or later
tell me Ill be like before
one day, sooner or later
tell me i wont freeze when theres a knock on the door
thinking it just might be you
tell me my heart wont jump when the phone rings
thinking it just might be you
tell me each day wont be a burden
to get through somehow. to be put behind
someday ahead i'll be able to think
of ur face without weeping pain
someday ahead i'll be able to tell someone
about you and all my love meant
someday ahead i'll be able to smile peacefully
in fond remembrance of a sweet time past
u just dont care, that must be it
they were all lies u told me
nothing else could explain it.
why did u tell me u loved me
its been a long time since I stayed up till 4 just like
there was a time when it was routine
i had forgotten how beautiful the world is just then
like the whole world is paused
and ur beautifully, alone ... it seemed like a such a pure feeling
i saw the city of angels
it moved me
cant say more
when i was a child i believed in something without knowing exactly what it was, without thinking, analysing
now Im thinking
for the last few weeks this has been on my mind
'why do we live'? whats the point? what for?
in the whole world
there are so many people living right now
different worlds
different lives
doing things, feeling things, wanting getting losing trying failing succeeding ... whats the point? what for?
i asked a lot of people and got different answers
asked myself and found just silence
i guess by the time i understand it it will be over
there was a time when it was routine
i had forgotten how beautiful the world is just then
like the whole world is paused
and ur beautifully, alone ... it seemed like a such a pure feeling
i saw the city of angels
it moved me
cant say more
when i was a child i believed in something without knowing exactly what it was, without thinking, analysing
now Im thinking
for the last few weeks this has been on my mind
'why do we live'? whats the point? what for?
in the whole world
there are so many people living right now
different worlds
different lives
doing things, feeling things, wanting getting losing trying failing succeeding ... whats the point? what for?
i asked a lot of people and got different answers
asked myself and found just silence
i guess by the time i understand it it will be over
fever dog
sitting in the dark
listening to fever dog and
at full blast
shopped after ages today
not that Im in money again
but what the heck ;)
it was a celebration
im all out of words!
how much soppy poetry can one person write
after years of wanting and waiting
i atlast got hold of "almost famous" & today"city of angels"
now what Im dying to see "high fidelity"
listening to fever dog and
at full blast
shopped after ages today
not that Im in money again
but what the heck ;)
it was a celebration
im all out of words!
how much soppy poetry can one person write
after years of wanting and waiting
i atlast got hold of "almost famous" & today"city of angels"
now what Im dying to see "high fidelity"
she was named for a beatles song ...
does our name have any connection with the kind of person we are? I wonder ...
she was named after a beatles song her parents liked
and strangely she reminds me of the song ... shes sweet and funny and light and serious and crazy all at the same time.
but above all the things, good and a whole lot of fun!
flitting between being "all grown up" and totally a kiddo!
when I first came to know her I liked talking to her because she totally reminded me of my sister
my sister is 10 years younger and inpite of all her "maturity" will always be a baby in my eyes
and we are so different yet so similar, and that it feels like looking at my reflection thrown back 10 years in time
she gave me a sense of having friends and not being "all alone"
when I was really low more isolated from people i care for than ever before
she was probably the first person ever I got friendly with online
and its strange that Im such good friends with someone Ive never even met!
but then life is strange ...
Happy Birthday Kiddo ... hope your special day is as wonderful as U :)
she was named after a beatles song her parents liked
and strangely she reminds me of the song ... shes sweet and funny and light and serious and crazy all at the same time.
but above all the things, good and a whole lot of fun!
flitting between being "all grown up" and totally a kiddo!
when I first came to know her I liked talking to her because she totally reminded me of my sister
my sister is 10 years younger and inpite of all her "maturity" will always be a baby in my eyes
and we are so different yet so similar, and that it feels like looking at my reflection thrown back 10 years in time
she gave me a sense of having friends and not being "all alone"
when I was really low more isolated from people i care for than ever before
she was probably the first person ever I got friendly with online
and its strange that Im such good friends with someone Ive never even met!
but then life is strange ...
Happy Birthday Kiddo ... hope your special day is as wonderful as U :)
What would you do if i flirted with you?
What would you do if didnt hold back
What would you do if I smiled at you like that
And if I didnt look away when our eyes clashed
What would u do if I stepped into ur eyes
And sank deep down into ur soul?
What would you do
If I wasnt kind with you
If I made ur head spin, like I know how ....
What would u do with me then?
What would you do if didnt hold back
What would you do if I smiled at you like that
And if I didnt look away when our eyes clashed
What would u do if I stepped into ur eyes
And sank deep down into ur soul?
What would you do
If I wasnt kind with you
If I made ur head spin, like I know how ....
What would u do with me then?
roaming feet and a gypsy heart
DISCLAIMER *** I talk like this. Its just a manner I have. I am NOT dying of grief. just dreaming up silly pomes in my empty hours bcz Im BORED! ***
ive got a restless feeling i cant shake off
it happens often when I know disaster is on its way ...
I have a wellcomeonandgetoverwith it feeling
atleast once its over u can start the dealing with it
maybe thats why they say the scorpio's true sign is the phoenix
i need to stop reading for a while. or thinking. or dreaming ... "yet must i think less wildly"
i need to do one of my rare and tiny waking up to the real world stunts :)
"its too late ive been standing here frozen in my path looking at you
its too late you've held me enraptued
caught in the fey hours between night and day
too long have i trembled in the circle of ur arms
and cried vapour tears because u held back
u say it over and over
in that final hour
but so many shades of love as there are
how do you love me, thats what i fear
but whatever the reason ur leaving soon
and perhaps its for the best
how lonmg could this have gone on
how long lie frozen , a torn petal in your palm
how long safe and trembling with fear
how long molten, a shadow behind the far recesses of your eyes
but to leave you would be like cutiing out my heart
thank god you're leaving me"
PM
ive got a restless feeling i cant shake off
it happens often when I know disaster is on its way ...
I have a wellcomeonandgetoverwith it feeling
atleast once its over u can start the dealing with it
maybe thats why they say the scorpio's true sign is the phoenix
i need to stop reading for a while. or thinking. or dreaming ... "yet must i think less wildly"
i need to do one of my rare and tiny waking up to the real world stunts :)
"its too late ive been standing here frozen in my path looking at you
its too late you've held me enraptued
caught in the fey hours between night and day
too long have i trembled in the circle of ur arms
and cried vapour tears because u held back
u say it over and over
in that final hour
but so many shades of love as there are
how do you love me, thats what i fear
but whatever the reason ur leaving soon
and perhaps its for the best
how lonmg could this have gone on
how long lie frozen , a torn petal in your palm
how long safe and trembling with fear
how long molten, a shadow behind the far recesses of your eyes
but to leave you would be like cutiing out my heart
thank god you're leaving me"
PM
for the worlds cutest kid, wherever he may be ...
"I ain't ever gonna let you down
All you gotta do is trust me
I would never make you some clown
Baby why won't you trust me
You give up so easily, I don't know why you can't see
I'm depending on you, don't let me down
I'm depending on you"
TOM PETTY, Depending on you
All you gotta do is trust me
I would never make you some clown
Baby why won't you trust me
You give up so easily, I don't know why you can't see
I'm depending on you, don't let me down
I'm depending on you"
TOM PETTY, Depending on you
love, actually
went to see the movie last night
and fell in love again
for many years now ive been in love with someone
hes wonderful, and serious and strong ... and when he smiles he can light up the world like a million stars ...
theres only one hitch ... he's married
his name is collin firth
i also liked another man ... had a kind of a soft corner for him for ever since I knew him
very charming, but of course he's not as magnificent as collin
he's not married, but he is seeing someone (or the other)
his name is hugh grant
but yesterday ... at the movies I met this guy swept my heart away and made me forget them all ... Thomas Sangster!!!
just kidding ... this blokes really young ... about 12 at the most but he is so ... I guess Cool is the only word!
actually I fell in love someone else yesterday ... andrew lincoln
he is The One and I think I will love him Forever (unless perhaps, if Collin gets a divorce)
Atlast, my love has come along ...
and fell in love again
for many years now ive been in love with someone
hes wonderful, and serious and strong ... and when he smiles he can light up the world like a million stars ...
theres only one hitch ... he's married
his name is collin firth
i also liked another man ... had a kind of a soft corner for him for ever since I knew him
very charming, but of course he's not as magnificent as collin
he's not married, but he is seeing someone (or the other)
his name is hugh grant
but yesterday ... at the movies I met this guy swept my heart away and made me forget them all ... Thomas Sangster!!!
just kidding ... this blokes really young ... about 12 at the most but he is so ... I guess Cool is the only word!
actually I fell in love someone else yesterday ... andrew lincoln
he is The One and I think I will love him Forever (unless perhaps, if Collin gets a divorce)
Atlast, my love has come along ...
waking up to the rain chatter on the roof while the wind chimes laugh amused ...
it rained all night
i didnt know
woke up to that freshly scrubbed look everywhere outside
the wind was stirring up a symphony on the wind chimes
the clouds were sweet and fluffy
the birds were screeming at the top of their lungs and so I woke up :)
i was late for my 9 oclock and missed it totally
damn! had to go and get my car back. now I dont know when I will
movie marathon and river beer last night
saw 'almost famous' again & 'hunchback of noterdam' & 'the importance of being ernest'
the first and the last Im in love with. the inbetween one was okay types. very sad
i got 3 parcels yesterday
one from my parents and one from my friend and a card
i cant explain in the post just how excited I was ... so Ill drop it.
then this morning I got a belated happy birthday from my best pal
ive never made friends online before & i was very skeptical about the whole concept
but these guys ... di, mich, pom, anu
they are all just so amazing that they make me once again stop and wonder what i so often wondered in the past ... 'bad as i am i must have done something decent somewhere to deserve friends like i have'
i didnt know
woke up to that freshly scrubbed look everywhere outside
the wind was stirring up a symphony on the wind chimes
the clouds were sweet and fluffy
the birds were screeming at the top of their lungs and so I woke up :)
i was late for my 9 oclock and missed it totally
damn! had to go and get my car back. now I dont know when I will
movie marathon and river beer last night
saw 'almost famous' again & 'hunchback of noterdam' & 'the importance of being ernest'
the first and the last Im in love with. the inbetween one was okay types. very sad
i got 3 parcels yesterday
one from my parents and one from my friend and a card
i cant explain in the post just how excited I was ... so Ill drop it.
then this morning I got a belated happy birthday from my best pal
ive never made friends online before & i was very skeptical about the whole concept
but these guys ... di, mich, pom, anu
they are all just so amazing that they make me once again stop and wonder what i so often wondered in the past ... 'bad as i am i must have done something decent somewhere to deserve friends like i have'
where does this road lead to, I fear, I hesitate, Yet Im drawn to move on, By a voice echoing in my head that home is somewhere ahead
its such a beautiful day
reminds me of the days in uk
sometimes I think those were the nicest days in my life
not, ofcourse that these days are not nice
maybe its just that days, places and people grow more "nice" in hindsight ;)
the winds are blowing strong and true
reminds me of one of my favourite songs ...
winds of change are blowing strong and true ... babe u aint seen nothing like me yet
and they are cool and wet with moisture
the sky is fuzzy with pale grey clouds
and everything looks like its backlit with a silver glow
theres a strange light in the sky today
and a stranger light in my eyes
its such a beautiful world
sometimes for some reason some stray set of words from a book or movie or a song will sometimes stick in my head and pop up from time to time ... is there a reason? is it some little imp inside telling me something? or random recordings and playbacks ...
today is from sense and sensibility .... (Elinor) Did he tell you he loved you? (Marianne) Yes... no. Never absolutely. It was everyday implied but never declared.
(Elinor)I do not attempt to deny, that I think very highly of him - that I greatly esteem, that I like him.
(Marianne)Esteem him! Like him! Cold hearted Elinor! Oh! Worse than cold hearted! Ashamed of being otherwise.
I loved that movie. I identified with her (the elder sister) SO much ... (Elinor) What do you know of my heart? What do you know of anything but your own suffering. For weeks, Marianne, I've had this pressing on me without being at liberty to discuss it with a single soul. Having it forced on me by the very person whose prior claims laid ruin to all my hopes. I have endured her exultations again and again whilst knowing myself to be divided from Edward forever. Believe me, Marianne, had I not been bound to silence I could have provided proof enough of a broken heart, even for you.
anyway ... ad requiem ... I must get moving now
BIG implementation this weekend :)
how do you weigh disillusionment
how measure fear or pain
who is to say
who is right ... in this crazy world we live in?
im just a ghost
The spirit that lingers
The heart and soul died long ago
So then there must be something outside the heart
that feels the pain
or how could it still hurt
Im stumbling on a step at a time
as if it would be fatal to pause
who knows where I go or why
certainly not I :)
PM
reminds me of the days in uk
sometimes I think those were the nicest days in my life
not, ofcourse that these days are not nice
maybe its just that days, places and people grow more "nice" in hindsight ;)
the winds are blowing strong and true
reminds me of one of my favourite songs ...
winds of change are blowing strong and true ... babe u aint seen nothing like me yet
and they are cool and wet with moisture
the sky is fuzzy with pale grey clouds
and everything looks like its backlit with a silver glow
theres a strange light in the sky today
and a stranger light in my eyes
its such a beautiful world
sometimes for some reason some stray set of words from a book or movie or a song will sometimes stick in my head and pop up from time to time ... is there a reason? is it some little imp inside telling me something? or random recordings and playbacks ...
today is from sense and sensibility .... (Elinor) Did he tell you he loved you? (Marianne) Yes... no. Never absolutely. It was everyday implied but never declared.
(Elinor)I do not attempt to deny, that I think very highly of him - that I greatly esteem, that I like him.
(Marianne)Esteem him! Like him! Cold hearted Elinor! Oh! Worse than cold hearted! Ashamed of being otherwise.
I loved that movie. I identified with her (the elder sister) SO much ... (Elinor) What do you know of my heart? What do you know of anything but your own suffering. For weeks, Marianne, I've had this pressing on me without being at liberty to discuss it with a single soul. Having it forced on me by the very person whose prior claims laid ruin to all my hopes. I have endured her exultations again and again whilst knowing myself to be divided from Edward forever. Believe me, Marianne, had I not been bound to silence I could have provided proof enough of a broken heart, even for you.
anyway ... ad requiem ... I must get moving now
BIG implementation this weekend :)
how do you weigh disillusionment
how measure fear or pain
who is to say
who is right ... in this crazy world we live in?
im just a ghost
The spirit that lingers
The heart and soul died long ago
So then there must be something outside the heart
that feels the pain
or how could it still hurt
Im stumbling on a step at a time
as if it would be fatal to pause
who knows where I go or why
certainly not I :)
PM
get by with a little help from my friends
so so day at work
kind of hectic
now the implementation date for my project is almost here so its pretty crazy
there will be fireworks when this baby flies
there are so many interfaces its crazy
and no one has track of them all!
had a parcel problem today
my dads sent me a parcel but I keep missing the postman and they wont leave it at the apartmentoffice
damn ...
went to the new cafeteria at work
but it was closed!
suddenly Im dying to eat chinese ...
theres a storm raging outside
really big time
im glad I moved all my plants inside yesterday!
the little ones keep falling over
the wind chimes are ringing up an orchestra
I love the glass one I got here this time
and I miss the wooden ones I left at home ....
such then, is life :)
an old pome
These eyes have seen
such dirt in mans heart
These eyes have been
To hell & then back
These eyes have cried
These eyes have burned
And yet at times
These eyes dream of love
PM20092001
kind of hectic
now the implementation date for my project is almost here so its pretty crazy
there will be fireworks when this baby flies
there are so many interfaces its crazy
and no one has track of them all!
had a parcel problem today
my dads sent me a parcel but I keep missing the postman and they wont leave it at the apartmentoffice
damn ...
went to the new cafeteria at work
but it was closed!
suddenly Im dying to eat chinese ...
theres a storm raging outside
really big time
im glad I moved all my plants inside yesterday!
the little ones keep falling over
the wind chimes are ringing up an orchestra
I love the glass one I got here this time
and I miss the wooden ones I left at home ....
such then, is life :)
an old pome
These eyes have seen
such dirt in mans heart
These eyes have been
To hell & then back
These eyes have cried
These eyes have burned
And yet at times
These eyes dream of love
PM20092001
last night he came to me as I lay asleep
it seemed so beautiful, just like a dream
he brushed my face with his lips
and as I woke he held me close
he sat near me on the bed
and whispering soft he said,
my silly angel ... you were waiting for me!
Im in your heart and Ill always be
just close ur eyes
and ull feel me
i woke up and rubbed my eyes
it was such a crazy dream
all the world is still asleep
such crazy thoughts and crazy dreams
it seemed so beautiful, just like a dream
he brushed my face with his lips
and as I woke he held me close
he sat near me on the bed
and whispering soft he said,
my silly angel ... you were waiting for me!
Im in your heart and Ill always be
just close ur eyes
and ull feel me
i woke up and rubbed my eyes
it was such a crazy dream
all the world is still asleep
such crazy thoughts and crazy dreams
MY BIRTHDAY
it was that time of the year again
sweetNovember
once again, I was dreading it
By nature, Im ridiculously excited / touchy about my birthday and painfully ashamed of so being
I hadnt made new friends here. Old ones were so far away
Who would wish me, forget making a fuss
"Birthday eve" was Kams bday. Spent the whole day making kheer for him
Then I called up my erstwhile BPal in the afternoon who broke my heart cz he had forgotten bday then melted the edges and put it back together by playing "yellow" for me ... all this over an cardless ISD
Evening Kams and me went for coffee ... which turned into coffee + drive ... which turned into coffee + drive + 1 drink each ... which turned into coffee + drive + 3 drinks each :)
Half an hour before THE day officially began i got a call from Subir
And I indignantly told him it wasnt Time yet :)
Ever since then it was amost one continuous call ... kams, baba, asmita, shubir, juls, chatts, debanjan, anu, mich, diya, mom, rahul bhaiya, rahul dost, taj, paramita di. Then I got SO many sms's. And ecards ... a exquisite one from debanjan, a cute one from richa and a really funny one from emma and a sweet one from Lamya ... to crown everything a sms from Ma in the (my) morning saying "wake up my newly born ugly duckling ... rise and go quack quack"!!! I got a mail from the hobgoblin ... and just when I was giving up on her ... a mail from Pills! I kept checking my blog all day and I got so many wishes on the blog. And there was Mich and Pom's wishes on their. Oh my gawd ... it was such a beautiful day! :) THANK YOU all of you ... So Much :)
In the evening, Kams came over and we just sat and yapped. he got me the most beautiful card in the world and bought me the exact shade of lipstick Id been searching for for years :) God knows how he found it! And he bought me some lots of more stuff as well :) Makes u feel like ... what did I do to deserve so much love and affection!
I had some bad news at work and was pretty upset about it. Im probably gonna be leaving in Feb. Its sudden and its gonna be a problem financially cz I gotto pay back my car loan before then. But though Im upset about it Id be way more upset to stay behind after Kams has gone .... cz I dont know any one else and totally cant barely-bear anyone else here at work ... so Im more scared of them sending him off and then deciding not to send me back. I wanna get out of here. Dont wanna go home really, but I wanna get out of here for sure. I need to think really hard and figure out exactly what I want before I make the slightest move. Somehow I got this deepdownunder feeling that its really important ... what do I want what do I want what do I want?
One of our colleagues here invited us all for Thanksgiving dinner. That really touched me. Because most of the clients here are pretty aloof. In a whole year this is the first time Im seeing someone being friendly in a personal way ... so to speak!
It seems that I really get along with scorps and piesces ... Ive SO many march and nov bdays!
This ones for the scorps .... club scorpio
As usual at night after everyone had left and all I couldnt sleep so I thought I'll write a pome on my bday ... like our dear buddha pm ... but then I thought since I write one every (nonbirth)day anyway ... I might as well give it a break today. so I cleaned up my home page and the pink pages and chatted with Arun the kiddo! For no worthwhile reason ... thats reminds me of the quotation "love means making exceptions"
sweetNovember
once again, I was dreading it
By nature, Im ridiculously excited / touchy about my birthday and painfully ashamed of so being
I hadnt made new friends here. Old ones were so far away
Who would wish me, forget making a fuss
"Birthday eve" was Kams bday. Spent the whole day making kheer for him
Then I called up my erstwhile BPal in the afternoon who broke my heart cz he had forgotten bday then melted the edges and put it back together by playing "yellow" for me ... all this over an cardless ISD
Evening Kams and me went for coffee ... which turned into coffee + drive ... which turned into coffee + drive + 1 drink each ... which turned into coffee + drive + 3 drinks each :)
Half an hour before THE day officially began i got a call from Subir
And I indignantly told him it wasnt Time yet :)
Ever since then it was amost one continuous call ... kams, baba, asmita, shubir, juls, chatts, debanjan, anu, mich, diya, mom, rahul bhaiya, rahul dost, taj, paramita di. Then I got SO many sms's. And ecards ... a exquisite one from debanjan, a cute one from richa and a really funny one from emma and a sweet one from Lamya ... to crown everything a sms from Ma in the (my) morning saying "wake up my newly born ugly duckling ... rise and go quack quack"!!! I got a mail from the hobgoblin ... and just when I was giving up on her ... a mail from Pills! I kept checking my blog all day and I got so many wishes on the blog. And there was Mich and Pom's wishes on their. Oh my gawd ... it was such a beautiful day! :) THANK YOU all of you ... So Much :)
In the evening, Kams came over and we just sat and yapped. he got me the most beautiful card in the world and bought me the exact shade of lipstick Id been searching for for years :) God knows how he found it! And he bought me some lots of more stuff as well :) Makes u feel like ... what did I do to deserve so much love and affection!
I had some bad news at work and was pretty upset about it. Im probably gonna be leaving in Feb. Its sudden and its gonna be a problem financially cz I gotto pay back my car loan before then. But though Im upset about it Id be way more upset to stay behind after Kams has gone .... cz I dont know any one else and totally cant barely-bear anyone else here at work ... so Im more scared of them sending him off and then deciding not to send me back. I wanna get out of here. Dont wanna go home really, but I wanna get out of here for sure. I need to think really hard and figure out exactly what I want before I make the slightest move. Somehow I got this deepdownunder feeling that its really important ... what do I want what do I want what do I want?
One of our colleagues here invited us all for Thanksgiving dinner. That really touched me. Because most of the clients here are pretty aloof. In a whole year this is the first time Im seeing someone being friendly in a personal way ... so to speak!
It seems that I really get along with scorps and piesces ... Ive SO many march and nov bdays!
This ones for the scorps .... club scorpio
As usual at night after everyone had left and all I couldnt sleep so I thought I'll write a pome on my bday ... like our dear buddha pm ... but then I thought since I write one every (nonbirth)day anyway ... I might as well give it a break today. so I cleaned up my home page and the pink pages and chatted with Arun the kiddo! For no worthwhile reason ... thats reminds me of the quotation "love means making exceptions"
a dream
you kissed a nerve and my pulse raced
u brushed my hair from my face
you smiled and my heart paused
you melted down into my eyes, deep down inside
i shuddered, shivered, and awoke
these forever dreams, dreams of you
im wading through these clouds of days
shrouded in a humdrum daze
i walk ahead with only one hope
where the road ends, and it all begins
ill find you somehow
no matter where, no matter how
a mystery forever, who are you
i search for you in every face
i poke into every heart
looking for that feel of yours
mystery be solved, the end be here
i cant wait much longer, anymore
u brushed my hair from my face
you smiled and my heart paused
you melted down into my eyes, deep down inside
i shuddered, shivered, and awoke
these forever dreams, dreams of you
im wading through these clouds of days
shrouded in a humdrum daze
i walk ahead with only one hope
where the road ends, and it all begins
ill find you somehow
no matter where, no matter how
a mystery forever, who are you
i search for you in every face
i poke into every heart
looking for that feel of yours
mystery be solved, the end be here
i cant wait much longer, anymore
the community pool in the deep of the night
floating half asleep
the water velvet below
cool, dark bed blue green
i watch the moonlights glow
a hushed rustle fills the air
in a distance the fountain sings alone
the evening breeze rings the wind chimes
a deep rumbling solemn song
all the people asleep in their homes
dreaming their soft dreamy little dreams
god bless everyone
its such a beautiful world
the water velvet below
cool, dark bed blue green
i watch the moonlights glow
a hushed rustle fills the air
in a distance the fountain sings alone
the evening breeze rings the wind chimes
a deep rumbling solemn song
all the people asleep in their homes
dreaming their soft dreamy little dreams
god bless everyone
its such a beautiful world
MIDLING WEDNESDAY
I lost my icard today
Thats a 100 bucks down the drain if I dont find it by tomorrow
Charecteristically, I think I wont
Went to the library after work
Id thought that Id reissued all the books online
But apparently Id missed one ...
The tiny 'of mice and men' cost me a hefty fine
The code was fixed but there are two more in cue
Marked up as MAJOR and we exit system test noon tomorrow
My best friend is lost in action
No news yet of the leave in Dec
Thanks to having to avoid X, Ive ended up putting myself in isolation at work moreorless
The newcuteguy (not the startbucks one) is lining the cutebabe
Teddy is settling beautifully into his idyllic relationship
And I havent heard from him in eons
My gran fractured her arm
My leg is doing poorly ... the old 'accident' trying to remind me of its fading existence
The car is in the body shop and will be way past the 10th
No one will be in town for my bday
baaki sab theek hai
Thats a 100 bucks down the drain if I dont find it by tomorrow
Charecteristically, I think I wont
Went to the library after work
Id thought that Id reissued all the books online
But apparently Id missed one ...
The tiny 'of mice and men' cost me a hefty fine
The code was fixed but there are two more in cue
Marked up as MAJOR and we exit system test noon tomorrow
My best friend is lost in action
No news yet of the leave in Dec
Thanks to having to avoid X, Ive ended up putting myself in isolation at work moreorless
The newcuteguy (not the startbucks one) is lining the cutebabe
Teddy is settling beautifully into his idyllic relationship
And I havent heard from him in eons
My gran fractured her arm
My leg is doing poorly ... the old 'accident' trying to remind me of its fading existence
The car is in the body shop and will be way past the 10th
No one will be in town for my bday
baaki sab theek hai
manic monday
crazy program
just wouldnt work
against all logic :)
applied the david hall 5minpanicrule - used up my entire stock of abuses (inaudibly)
and then looked at it again .... sure enough - Id coded one replace too few ...
bug fixed
breathe again
came home
jumped into bed - had to make up for the fact that i was up till 3 last night
oncall :(
this is 8PM ish
chatted with the "little angels"
now they're all asleep and I'm surfing the library website like a nut and 2 am
gawd! my life is crazy - how will I survive it!
I had the most delicious weekend
Im going through one of my I-couldn't-give-a-shit-phases
so all attempts at frowning self discipline and self-censure have been trashed temporarily
till the next I'll-be-a-good-girl if it kills me phase comes knocking
i watched movies till 2 am on friday
stuffed my face shamelessly
called up assorted friends back home
then read a new book till 5 am
watched the sky for a bit
wrote some soppy poetry
then slept peacefully till way past noon
at about 1:30 I shamelessly ate one of my BIG WEEKEND BREAKFASTS
went back to bed with another new book
sleptr and read on and off all day
went out to starbucks in the evening and saw two of the most handsome men Ive seen in a while
then came back
cleaned the house at a big dinner with some nice wine
wrote some very long letters
and then watched Come September
then read some more
woke up early (11am) on Sunday
did some more cleaning and then lazed blissfully for the rest of sunday
and went to bed with a nice book and hot chocolate
what a weekend :)
just wouldnt work
against all logic :)
applied the david hall 5minpanicrule - used up my entire stock of abuses (inaudibly)
and then looked at it again .... sure enough - Id coded one replace too few ...
bug fixed
breathe again
came home
jumped into bed - had to make up for the fact that i was up till 3 last night
oncall :(
this is 8PM ish
chatted with the "little angels"
now they're all asleep and I'm surfing the library website like a nut and 2 am
gawd! my life is crazy - how will I survive it!
I had the most delicious weekend
Im going through one of my I-couldn't-give-a-shit-phases
so all attempts at frowning self discipline and self-censure have been trashed temporarily
till the next I'll-be-a-good-girl if it kills me phase comes knocking
i watched movies till 2 am on friday
stuffed my face shamelessly
called up assorted friends back home
then read a new book till 5 am
watched the sky for a bit
wrote some soppy poetry
then slept peacefully till way past noon
at about 1:30 I shamelessly ate one of my BIG WEEKEND BREAKFASTS
went back to bed with another new book
sleptr and read on and off all day
went out to starbucks in the evening and saw two of the most handsome men Ive seen in a while
then came back
cleaned the house at a big dinner with some nice wine
wrote some very long letters
and then watched Come September
then read some more
woke up early (11am) on Sunday
did some more cleaning and then lazed blissfully for the rest of sunday
and went to bed with a nice book and hot chocolate
what a weekend :)
I had the most delicious weekend
Im going through one of my I-couldnt-give-a-shit-phases
so all attempts at frowning self discipline and self-censure have been trashed temporarily
till the next I'll-be-a-good-girl if it kills me phase comes knocking
i watched movies till 2 am on friday
stuffed my face shamelessly
called up assorted friends back home
then read a new book till 5 am
watched the sky for a bit
wrote some soppy poetry
then slept peacfully till way past noon
at about 1:30 I shamelessly ate one of my BIG WEEKEND BREAKFASTS
went back to bed with another new book
sleptr and read on and off all day
went out to starbucks in the evening and saw two of the most handsome men Ive seen in a while
then came back
cleaned the house at a big dinner with some nice wine
wrote some very long letters
and then watched come september
then read some more
woke up early (11am) on sunday
did some more cleaning and then lazed blissfully for the rest of sunday
and went to bed with a nice book and hot choclate
what a weekend :)
Im going through one of my I-couldnt-give-a-shit-phases
so all attempts at frowning self discipline and self-censure have been trashed temporarily
till the next I'll-be-a-good-girl if it kills me phase comes knocking
i watched movies till 2 am on friday
stuffed my face shamelessly
called up assorted friends back home
then read a new book till 5 am
watched the sky for a bit
wrote some soppy poetry
then slept peacfully till way past noon
at about 1:30 I shamelessly ate one of my BIG WEEKEND BREAKFASTS
went back to bed with another new book
sleptr and read on and off all day
went out to starbucks in the evening and saw two of the most handsome men Ive seen in a while
then came back
cleaned the house at a big dinner with some nice wine
wrote some very long letters
and then watched come september
then read some more
woke up early (11am) on sunday
did some more cleaning and then lazed blissfully for the rest of sunday
and went to bed with a nice book and hot choclate
what a weekend :)
who do you need, who do you want, when you come undone
I'd thought of this once before. The songs that suddenly pop up like background music in ur head ... they come up there for a reason. Maybe its something / someone deep down inside telling you something.
Once I was having a fight with a freind. For some obscure reason the words kept playing in my head "this might be a devillish ploy but its one way to bring these proceedings to and end". Another time, the music of the song "amazing" kept ringing in my head ... I was going on my first onsite assignment ... it was an unbelievable feeling.
Couple of times since yesterday I keep hearing "and they'll all come to greet me ..." Oh man! This is crazy! I dont even know if its gonna happen yet and Im desperately trying to keep myself from getting excited. I keep having involuntary flashes in my head. The sights, the smells, feelings ...
I dont understand why. Ive been away from home for much longer periods without feeling the slightest thing, so why am I acting like the 'castaway'!!! Maybe bcz so much has happened since I came here! I cant blv its just been a few months. What a grand unholy mess Ive made :)
No its different here from what it was in the UK. Everything is totally different. I did stuff there. I had friends. Ma cameover 3 times and Baba came over 3 or 4 times. Konkon came once. We used to go out to places. We went out in the weekends. There were other people in team. We all went for lucnh together. There was the city that was so magical. So beautiful. The library. The river. The club. The rowing. The dojo. There was Emma and her cute little car and all those faraway countryside pubs we went to. There was the damn. We often went over deep in the night - just push off on impulse. Dark village-ish roads. Bordered by trees and stone walls. A lone cyclist suddenly appears by the side of the car. You crack jokes ... "did u notice if his feet were facing the right direction" ... Suddenly theres that quiet swishing sound in the dark. And you know your almost there. lean on the wall and watch the silver blue ... above and below. 2 ciggerettes. And then back home again. I used to be tired. But we used to have so much fun!
I keep telling myself that its just that its all so new here. Once I settle down and get to know people and stuff everything will be fine. But its not really happening. Theres something about this place. Its dry. I got to know a lot of people. Different people doing different things in different cities and states ... but so many of them seem to be so lonely. Its almost a common denominator. You make tonns of friends to hang out with but theres no real bonding with anyone. Maybe its the island culture :)
But all this is just crappy hallucinations of an insane-ish mind. Have you ever felt that if someone knew what I was thinking they would lock me up? I do more and more frequently.
When I was in Pune for my BE while the rest of my gang was back in Cal ... I thought I missed Cal so much. When I came back 4 years later, I realised I what I had missed was a time and not a place. A time of carelessness. A time of irresponsible exhilarating blissfull ignorance. A time when nothing matted except what Im gonna do for new years or what chapters to skip for the next exam or how sad Mrs D'Silva in LSP looked yesterday. Go to school come back, do home work, do interact duties ... and your quota of being good is done and over. For the rest of the time you can do whatever the hell you want and not think twice about it. When the worst that could happen was that Ma would Shout. When there were no troubles which I couldnt tell Chatts or feel scared to start crying over ... lest I could never stop.
Once I was having a fight with a freind. For some obscure reason the words kept playing in my head "this might be a devillish ploy but its one way to bring these proceedings to and end". Another time, the music of the song "amazing" kept ringing in my head ... I was going on my first onsite assignment ... it was an unbelievable feeling.
Couple of times since yesterday I keep hearing "and they'll all come to greet me ..." Oh man! This is crazy! I dont even know if its gonna happen yet and Im desperately trying to keep myself from getting excited. I keep having involuntary flashes in my head. The sights, the smells, feelings ...
I dont understand why. Ive been away from home for much longer periods without feeling the slightest thing, so why am I acting like the 'castaway'!!! Maybe bcz so much has happened since I came here! I cant blv its just been a few months. What a grand unholy mess Ive made :)
No its different here from what it was in the UK. Everything is totally different. I did stuff there. I had friends. Ma cameover 3 times and Baba came over 3 or 4 times. Konkon came once. We used to go out to places. We went out in the weekends. There were other people in team. We all went for lucnh together. There was the city that was so magical. So beautiful. The library. The river. The club. The rowing. The dojo. There was Emma and her cute little car and all those faraway countryside pubs we went to. There was the damn. We often went over deep in the night - just push off on impulse. Dark village-ish roads. Bordered by trees and stone walls. A lone cyclist suddenly appears by the side of the car. You crack jokes ... "did u notice if his feet were facing the right direction" ... Suddenly theres that quiet swishing sound in the dark. And you know your almost there. lean on the wall and watch the silver blue ... above and below. 2 ciggerettes. And then back home again. I used to be tired. But we used to have so much fun!
I keep telling myself that its just that its all so new here. Once I settle down and get to know people and stuff everything will be fine. But its not really happening. Theres something about this place. Its dry. I got to know a lot of people. Different people doing different things in different cities and states ... but so many of them seem to be so lonely. Its almost a common denominator. You make tonns of friends to hang out with but theres no real bonding with anyone. Maybe its the island culture :)
But all this is just crappy hallucinations of an insane-ish mind. Have you ever felt that if someone knew what I was thinking they would lock me up? I do more and more frequently.
When I was in Pune for my BE while the rest of my gang was back in Cal ... I thought I missed Cal so much. When I came back 4 years later, I realised I what I had missed was a time and not a place. A time of carelessness. A time of irresponsible exhilarating blissfull ignorance. A time when nothing matted except what Im gonna do for new years or what chapters to skip for the next exam or how sad Mrs D'Silva in LSP looked yesterday. Go to school come back, do home work, do interact duties ... and your quota of being good is done and over. For the rest of the time you can do whatever the hell you want and not think twice about it. When the worst that could happen was that Ma would Shout. When there were no troubles which I couldnt tell Chatts or feel scared to start crying over ... lest I could never stop.
wood fairy pome
so now you tell me you love me!
& what good will it ever do?
and now you say you want me,
you should have told me that before.
when the slender rainbow
quivered on the little lake
in the forest
that night, when you came to me,
you should have told me then.
or on that other day
flushed with the delicate peach of dawn
u held my face, in your hands, afterwards
and kissed my eyes, with your sweet mouth
and i took a trip to heaven
you should have told me then
and remember the other day
when i said I wanted to walk barefeet in the grass,
and kicked my shoes away
you laughed at me, i tried to get mad
but I never could or not for too long, soon Id be melting again
and you always could tell just when
you should have told me then
later anyway, I cried my self to sleep
so often did I weep
and each time a tear fell
I found a new excuse to tell
But every wouldve been okay
You shouldve said all this that day
& what good will it ever do?
and now you say you want me,
you should have told me that before.
when the slender rainbow
quivered on the little lake
in the forest
that night, when you came to me,
you should have told me then.
or on that other day
flushed with the delicate peach of dawn
u held my face, in your hands, afterwards
and kissed my eyes, with your sweet mouth
and i took a trip to heaven
you should have told me then
and remember the other day
when i said I wanted to walk barefeet in the grass,
and kicked my shoes away
you laughed at me, i tried to get mad
but I never could or not for too long, soon Id be melting again
and you always could tell just when
you should have told me then
later anyway, I cried my self to sleep
so often did I weep
and each time a tear fell
I found a new excuse to tell
But every wouldve been okay
You shouldve said all this that day
bloggers block
cant think of anything to write right now - or atleast nothing that seems just right. Right, then can anyone think of anything inspiring. It wouldnt be right to say that nothingsbldyhappeningsowhatdoi write about. Plenty happening allright. But doesnt feel right to write about all that. atleast not right here ... got that, right?
lol ... never done that on my own before! dedications ... mybestfriend
as luck would have it when he was here I was there and now he is there and I am here
long live the king of indian sw companies
theres a pattern to the postings ... ur never where u wanna be
well its rolling round to winter again!
heading on 8 months since i came here. it passed in a flash!
seems like yesterday that I came here like a refuge / fugitive
with two big suitcases (in one of which was hidden a HUGE teddy bear called Floppy)
didnt know a soul / didnt have any address to go to ... I just knew that 'somone' was supposed to pick me up at the airport and take me 'somewhere' ... my trust-abilty being as low as it is - that really gave me the creeps ... what if he just forgot!!! lol ...
in all my previous assignments we were given the name of a hotel and just had to get ourselves there. scary, but the only screwups u gotto watchout for r ur own.
anyway ... the temperature here nosedived this diwali weekend. It went from chennaiinsummer hot to delhiinwinter cold
makes everything around feel a bit like it was when I came here in Feb. thats what set me off on my nostalgia trip. so much has happened. so much has changed ... some good, some bad ... but all so BIG! I feel like Im another person totally from the one who left home! I guess Ive never been on my own before in the true sense. always had a lot of friends and my friends are usually the shutandsithereilltakecareofyou type ... I guess I feel all grown up and on my own here :)
lol ... never done that on my own before! dedications ... mybestfriend
as luck would have it when he was here I was there and now he is there and I am here
long live the king of indian sw companies
theres a pattern to the postings ... ur never where u wanna be
well its rolling round to winter again!
heading on 8 months since i came here. it passed in a flash!
seems like yesterday that I came here like a refuge / fugitive
with two big suitcases (in one of which was hidden a HUGE teddy bear called Floppy)
didnt know a soul / didnt have any address to go to ... I just knew that 'somone' was supposed to pick me up at the airport and take me 'somewhere' ... my trust-abilty being as low as it is - that really gave me the creeps ... what if he just forgot!!! lol ...
in all my previous assignments we were given the name of a hotel and just had to get ourselves there. scary, but the only screwups u gotto watchout for r ur own.
anyway ... the temperature here nosedived this diwali weekend. It went from chennaiinsummer hot to delhiinwinter cold
makes everything around feel a bit like it was when I came here in Feb. thats what set me off on my nostalgia trip. so much has happened. so much has changed ... some good, some bad ... but all so BIG! I feel like Im another person totally from the one who left home! I guess Ive never been on my own before in the true sense. always had a lot of friends and my friends are usually the shutandsithereilltakecareofyou type ... I guess I feel all grown up and on my own here :)
GROWING UP
Yet how well we are coming along ...
All big & grown up now.
Almost all done.
If we still cry,
If inside
We're still sometimes shy
It rarely ever shows
Now nobody knows,
The child hides behind the walls of darkness
And plays in the sunshine inside!
PM20092001
All big & grown up now.
Almost all done.
If we still cry,
If inside
We're still sometimes shy
It rarely ever shows
Now nobody knows,
The child hides behind the walls of darkness
And plays in the sunshine inside!
PM20092001
new look
all credits go to Mich ... she did it all for me
and the whole idea of the change was also her idea
unlike the little prince's flower ... i didnt have the patience to spend hours arranging my petals and just burst out into the asap ... so I am still a bit messed up ... will keep tweaking it as and when. The zonkie will be temporarily missing :)
and the whole idea of the change was also her idea
unlike the little prince's flower ... i didnt have the patience to spend hours arranging my petals and just burst out into the asap ... so I am still a bit messed up ... will keep tweaking it as and when. The zonkie will be temporarily missing :)
stoned immaculate
did some serious drinking after a seriously long time last night
im a bit mad at myself, but I guess it could have been worse
when I get inebriated i usually just go off to sleep peacefully
which I did last night as well
but unfortuneately ... before that I talk ... and true to form thats what I did last night
i confessed things to kams the thing never ever wanted him to know ...
namely ... the fact that I got locked out of my AGAIN on diwali morning and had to call popalock :)
bcz I was so scared of getting blasted like dynamite (scorp tempers rnt even in their own control)
but then again ... what r confessions for if not to be spilled out to our closest pals whome we love & trust so much ...
who treat our deepest fears and pain so gently ... so carefully
and softly hold us in their hearts till we r strong again and then set us free to fly again
guess Im talking of kams and popalock ... but thinking of all my friends across space, time and media ... and all the times Ive thanked god for my friends. Im not making much sense right now ... will, after the remaining dregs of scotch running in my veins clear up ...
im a bit mad at myself, but I guess it could have been worse
when I get inebriated i usually just go off to sleep peacefully
which I did last night as well
but unfortuneately ... before that I talk ... and true to form thats what I did last night
i confessed things to kams the thing never ever wanted him to know ...
namely ... the fact that I got locked out of my AGAIN on diwali morning and had to call popalock :)
bcz I was so scared of getting blasted like dynamite (scorp tempers rnt even in their own control)
but then again ... what r confessions for if not to be spilled out to our closest pals whome we love & trust so much ...
who treat our deepest fears and pain so gently ... so carefully
and softly hold us in their hearts till we r strong again and then set us free to fly again
guess Im talking of kams and popalock ... but thinking of all my friends across space, time and media ... and all the times Ive thanked god for my friends. Im not making much sense right now ... will, after the remaining dregs of scotch running in my veins clear up ...
song in my head ...
Come over here
All you got is this moment
The 21st Century's yesterday
You can care all you want
Everybody does yeah that's okay
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight
Cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do babe
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
So slide over here
And give me a moment
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
Inxs Need You Tonight
"have you ever felt just a pure raw attraction ... no logic, no explanations, no control u cant damp it down, u cant figure it out, u cant give in, u cant give out ... alll u know is that there is this human existence which has been refracted through the mirrors of time and space till its mirrored and echoed in inside ur head"
Ray S. Guelph
All you got is this moment
The 21st Century's yesterday
You can care all you want
Everybody does yeah that's okay
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
I need you tonight
Cause I'm not sleeping
There's something about you girl
That makes me sweat
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do
Gonna live my life
How do you feel
I'm lonely
What do you think
Can't think at all
Whatcha gonna do babe
Gonna live my life
So slide over here
And give me a moment
You moves are so raw
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
So slide over here
And give me a moment
I've got to let you know
I've got to let you know
You're one of my kind
Inxs Need You Tonight
"have you ever felt just a pure raw attraction ... no logic, no explanations, no control u cant damp it down, u cant figure it out, u cant give in, u cant give out ... alll u know is that there is this human existence which has been refracted through the mirrors of time and space till its mirrored and echoed in inside ur head"
Ray S. Guelph
secret wish list ....
cnbc
a new windshield for free
a new door lock
new lenses ... or a laser treatment
for baba, ma & tupi, leo to get 'alright' and live on :)
learn to look cool when Im shitting bricks
not get scared when I meet new people
being more open with everyone about certain things ... like how much they are pissing me off
jinx and chatto :)
become thin ... skinny ... like barely there :)
wakeup and find that by some strange magic Ive become nice looking
a guy ... my true love ... to appear by magic
a sense of direction (i mean geographically ... primarily)
to be assigned to germany / new zealand / china and south america
then spain
to get a dream job
to go through a week without being told "why are you so irresponsible" or "which world do you live in" or "how COULD you do something like that" or "when will u learn to take your life seriously"
stop losing my temper all the time but learn how to stay mad at people who r mean to me
lose the teddy fixation
i could go on ... but one should be reasonable ... lol
listening to ... a blast from the past - we used to hear this in school ...
All at once,
I finally took a moment and I'm realizing that
Your not coming back
And it finally hit me all at once
All at once,
I started counting teardrops and at least a million fell
My eyes began to swell,
And all my dreams were shattered all at once
Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone
All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely see
Wishing you'd come back to me
And that's all that matters now
All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories
And it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows
All at once
All at once,
I looked around and found that you were with another love
In someone else's arms,
And all my dreams were shattered, all at once
All at once
The smile that used to greet me brightened someone else's day
She took your smile away
And left me with just memories, all at once
a new windshield for free
a new door lock
new lenses ... or a laser treatment
for baba, ma & tupi, leo to get 'alright' and live on :)
learn to look cool when Im shitting bricks
not get scared when I meet new people
being more open with everyone about certain things ... like how much they are pissing me off
jinx and chatto :)
become thin ... skinny ... like barely there :)
wakeup and find that by some strange magic Ive become nice looking
a guy ... my true love ... to appear by magic
a sense of direction (i mean geographically ... primarily)
to be assigned to germany / new zealand / china and south america
then spain
to get a dream job
to go through a week without being told "why are you so irresponsible" or "which world do you live in" or "how COULD you do something like that" or "when will u learn to take your life seriously"
stop losing my temper all the time but learn how to stay mad at people who r mean to me
lose the teddy fixation
i could go on ... but one should be reasonable ... lol
listening to ... a blast from the past - we used to hear this in school ...
All at once,
I finally took a moment and I'm realizing that
Your not coming back
And it finally hit me all at once
All at once,
I started counting teardrops and at least a million fell
My eyes began to swell,
And all my dreams were shattered all at once
Ever since I met you
You're the only love I've known
And I can't forget you
Though I must face it all alone
All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely see
Wishing you'd come back to me
And that's all that matters now
All at once, I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Holding on to memories
And it hurts me more than you know
So much more than it shows
All at once
All at once,
I looked around and found that you were with another love
In someone else's arms,
And all my dreams were shattered, all at once
All at once
The smile that used to greet me brightened someone else's day
She took your smile away
And left me with just memories, all at once
blank
Im blank
and Im out of quizzilla
i begged everyone to inspire me but no one obliged
what do I write about?
my life is singularly non happening right now
winter is coming on
even this oven zone is getting a bit cooler than usual
only thing on my mind now is will I wont I ... get leave to go to cal in dec
if u wanna see cal u gotto see it in dec ... it'll blow ur mind. The parties, the evenings, nights, the I cant wait :)
and Im out of quizzilla
i begged everyone to inspire me but no one obliged
what do I write about?
my life is singularly non happening right now
winter is coming on
even this oven zone is getting a bit cooler than usual
only thing on my mind now is will I wont I ... get leave to go to cal in dec
if u wanna see cal u gotto see it in dec ... it'll blow ur mind. The parties, the evenings, nights, the I cant wait :)
Im a Goddess
I must admit that I cheated a bit. I was a VAMPIRE ... which was all very exciting but it said "ur so sensible" in the description and I HATE being called "sensible" ... so I did the quiz again and lo and behold ... I was a Goddes!
Qizzilla is NUTS!
You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.
"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."
Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.
As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Qizzilla is NUTS!
You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.
"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."
Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.
As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
the conflict
the weather is so awesome here these days ... i feel like falling in love :)
had an interesting argument with mich ... to tell or not to tell! the debate is on if u have a crush on someone, should u tell him? i feel that for all u know its just a passing thing and will evaporate before u know it! and u will be gladder that u kept shut. i have atleast 1 very very good friend whome I had a crazy crush on and kept shut and later when we became such good friends I was so glad I kept shut bcz no loveshove could have been nicer than what we now have ... and crushes are so often just illusions
chatting with my sis. she's such an angel. she is good natured and strong minded and talented ... gawd how cud she be mine!
and after all we've been throug ... she is still so un-bitter and sweet ...
im addicted to 'falling at your feet' and 'only love breaks ur heart'
im driving around a bit now
im in love ... with a angel in the shop below my office
its white porceline and stands with hands folded and head bowed
like she has done something disgraceful, but just could not help herself ... and now she is so sad ... but still does not regret it really ... but she is so sad ...
its taken my heart :)
paradox asked about choices. why do we feel sad when we knew what we were getting into when we were making the choices ... i dont know. we are walking along life with no road map. at each point that the road forks, we take one of the roads ... why? is it always a conscious decision? sometimes the other road is blocked, sometimes u meet someone cute and while talking to them u dont notice and unconsciously take the same turn as them, sometimes u take a bad road just to get rid of someone who u fell in with who turned out to be irritating ... sometimes ur just lost in thought and take a random road ... how conscious are we and how much percent of the time? these forks come up 24/7/4/12 ... and every year :)
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds,
"What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.......
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen."
Bobby - age 5
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - Age 5
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
had an interesting argument with mich ... to tell or not to tell! the debate is on if u have a crush on someone, should u tell him? i feel that for all u know its just a passing thing and will evaporate before u know it! and u will be gladder that u kept shut. i have atleast 1 very very good friend whome I had a crazy crush on and kept shut and later when we became such good friends I was so glad I kept shut bcz no loveshove could have been nicer than what we now have ... and crushes are so often just illusions
chatting with my sis. she's such an angel. she is good natured and strong minded and talented ... gawd how cud she be mine!
and after all we've been throug ... she is still so un-bitter and sweet ...
im addicted to 'falling at your feet' and 'only love breaks ur heart'
im driving around a bit now
im in love ... with a angel in the shop below my office
its white porceline and stands with hands folded and head bowed
like she has done something disgraceful, but just could not help herself ... and now she is so sad ... but still does not regret it really ... but she is so sad ...
its taken my heart :)
paradox asked about choices. why do we feel sad when we knew what we were getting into when we were making the choices ... i dont know. we are walking along life with no road map. at each point that the road forks, we take one of the roads ... why? is it always a conscious decision? sometimes the other road is blocked, sometimes u meet someone cute and while talking to them u dont notice and unconsciously take the same turn as them, sometimes u take a bad road just to get rid of someone who u fell in with who turned out to be irritating ... sometimes ur just lost in thought and take a random road ... how conscious are we and how much percent of the time? these forks come up 24/7/4/12 ... and every year :)
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds,
"What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.......
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca - age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and just listen."
Bobby - age 5
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - Age 5
"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine - age 5
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her." Bethany - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen - age 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8
"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."
listening to ...
Everyone who needs a friend
Every life that has no end
Every knee not ready to bend
Is falling, falling at your feet
I've come crawling, now I'm falling at your feet
and madcap laughs
Ive paused, Ive frozen, what can I say ... where have I lost myself. I miss me, that used to be, so much that it hurts
I cant even cry ... the tears are frozen too. I am amber ... in the glittering beads in a big smooth palm ... frozen in this moment of time ... the butterfly trapped in the amber that paused ... today it owes its entire existence to the very same thing that crushes and imprisons it ... forever ... it will never escape
But I drove so far today ... lol ... by my stds! took the car to a mechanic. full office return traffic :) gawd I was so nervous .... and I remembered what jinx said and started laughing. dec is so far away ...
Everyone who needs a friend
Every life that has no end
Every knee not ready to bend
Is falling, falling at your feet
I've come crawling, now I'm falling at your feet
and madcap laughs
Ive paused, Ive frozen, what can I say ... where have I lost myself. I miss me, that used to be, so much that it hurts
I cant even cry ... the tears are frozen too. I am amber ... in the glittering beads in a big smooth palm ... frozen in this moment of time ... the butterfly trapped in the amber that paused ... today it owes its entire existence to the very same thing that crushes and imprisons it ... forever ... it will never escape
But I drove so far today ... lol ... by my stds! took the car to a mechanic. full office return traffic :) gawd I was so nervous .... and I remembered what jinx said and started laughing. dec is so far away ...
a dumb poem
frozen
like a snapshot of a moment in ur mind
frozen
like yeaterday that will never come back
frozen
like a bird on a rock. who hasnt learned to fly
frozen
like time thats stopped while everything else rushes by ...
slowly
one moment at a time
slowly
and the crash will kill gently
quiet
like the first second when u jolt awake from a dream
quiet
like when mid summer thursday afternoon
u & i
born of the same one cry in the night
u & i
born of the same pain, the same joy
2 lone leaves quiver on a bare lifeless tree
one call of the wind and we flew away ... dancing, enraptured, maddened by the sirens evil song
and were lost in the racing gales of life forever,
and the one last song that fell from our lips yesterday tumbled & tripped and faded
in the empty corridors of time
like a snapshot of a moment in ur mind
frozen
like yeaterday that will never come back
frozen
like a bird on a rock. who hasnt learned to fly
frozen
like time thats stopped while everything else rushes by ...
slowly
one moment at a time
slowly
and the crash will kill gently
quiet
like the first second when u jolt awake from a dream
quiet
like when mid summer thursday afternoon
u & i
born of the same one cry in the night
u & i
born of the same pain, the same joy
2 lone leaves quiver on a bare lifeless tree
one call of the wind and we flew away ... dancing, enraptured, maddened by the sirens evil song
and were lost in the racing gales of life forever,
and the one last song that fell from our lips yesterday tumbled & tripped and faded
in the empty corridors of time
RAMBLINGS of an UNRAVELLING MIND
by the cold and religious we were taken in hand
shown how to feel good and told to feel bad
douremembermehowitusedtobedontuthinkweshouldbecloser ... wasituwasitmedidiwatch2muchtv
feeling strange
im such a klutz
its 12:30
cant sleep
feel lost and scared and lonely
sometimes i feel like life is so big and i am so dumb ... mera kya hoga???
why do we do the things we do
why does it affect us so much
why do i ask so many questions ...
anyway ... who cares - kuchh na kuchh toh ho hi jayega
chatted with debanjan. and dins. and rusty. it made me feel better
sometimes i wish i was nicely married
id never have to drive, or do hisaab, or remember bills
just cook and watch tv & sleep & wear nice clothes :)
aaaaaaaaaaah what bliss
lol ... if only it was like that!
aina mujhse meri pehli si suraat mange
me and munal ... we r so similar yet so different
she cant get over how dull and practical i have become
why dont i go out
why dont i go wild
why do i worry
she says .... didi ... u were so crazy (thats supposed to be a compliment) what happened 2 u
i dont know what happened
dont know if its good or bad
i know that that me would perhaps not have survived this life
i know that that me would
but when u try to discipline urself and force feed ur soul into some mould u have visualised u just end up with a retarded spastic heart and mind and a tortured shapeless soul. but the soul never dies, it lingers like a dying fragrance, poised in a reluctant departure. hesitating at the door and waiting, hoping to be called back ...
and as long as the soul remains, is within reach, there is hope. of a new tomorrow .. of a re wakening ...
sometimes i think ... joy is so stubborn ... it will keep butting its silly shameless little head up again and again however u try to push it down ... like a rubber ball in a swimming pool
and sometimes Im amaazed at the crap I can write at 12:45 AM
shown how to feel good and told to feel bad
douremembermehowitusedtobedontuthinkweshouldbecloser ... wasituwasitmedidiwatch2muchtv
feeling strange
im such a klutz
its 12:30
cant sleep
feel lost and scared and lonely
sometimes i feel like life is so big and i am so dumb ... mera kya hoga???
why do we do the things we do
why does it affect us so much
why do i ask so many questions ...
anyway ... who cares - kuchh na kuchh toh ho hi jayega
chatted with debanjan. and dins. and rusty. it made me feel better
sometimes i wish i was nicely married
id never have to drive, or do hisaab, or remember bills
just cook and watch tv & sleep & wear nice clothes :)
aaaaaaaaaaah what bliss
lol ... if only it was like that!
aina mujhse meri pehli si suraat mange
me and munal ... we r so similar yet so different
she cant get over how dull and practical i have become
why dont i go out
why dont i go wild
why do i worry
she says .... didi ... u were so crazy (thats supposed to be a compliment) what happened 2 u
i dont know what happened
dont know if its good or bad
i know that that me would perhaps not have survived this life
i know that that me would
but when u try to discipline urself and force feed ur soul into some mould u have visualised u just end up with a retarded spastic heart and mind and a tortured shapeless soul. but the soul never dies, it lingers like a dying fragrance, poised in a reluctant departure. hesitating at the door and waiting, hoping to be called back ...
and as long as the soul remains, is within reach, there is hope. of a new tomorrow .. of a re wakening ...
sometimes i think ... joy is so stubborn ... it will keep butting its silly shameless little head up again and again however u try to push it down ... like a rubber ball in a swimming pool
and sometimes Im amaazed at the crap I can write at 12:45 AM
IN THE MEADOW
it rained all night yesterday
makes the sky so bright today
i run away
for a day
to a hillock near the creek
and a meadow green
then is warm
& i lie down
little flowes are scattered by
blue yellow & bright white
somewhere afar cowbells ring
i can hear some silly bird sing
somehow it all seems peaceful here
for a moment you forget whats there
i close my eyes and dream a dream
where everything will better seem
i close my eyes and dream of you
it wont be much longer now
all the setbacks will fall away
little by little Im getting there
makes the sky so bright today
i run away
for a day
to a hillock near the creek
and a meadow green
then is warm
& i lie down
little flowes are scattered by
blue yellow & bright white
somewhere afar cowbells ring
i can hear some silly bird sing
somehow it all seems peaceful here
for a moment you forget whats there
i close my eyes and dream a dream
where everything will better seem
i close my eyes and dream of you
it wont be much longer now
all the setbacks will fall away
little by little Im getting there
THE DREAM
I was born with two left feet
One for the floor and one for my mouth
I had the most beautiful dream a few nights back ...
Its everything the word DREAM means or should mean
I went on a date
With a CUTE and INTERESTING guy who was OLDER than me
He took me to a small house with a small garden ... on a planet ... which contained nothing else!
There was no one else on the planet
Like the planet of the Boabab trees!
It was snowing, and it was deep in the night
and there were so many plants and only one time PURPLE pimpernel flower
which he showed me & told me a interesting longwound story about when we sat in the garden
There were books & music all over the place
before that we went in ... to the nicest kitchen in the world
there was a nice dining table in there and we ate lots of wonderful food
everything was automated ... the dishes came to the table on their own
and were automatically carried off to be washed
I was wearing a nice blue green saree
We went to the garden & sat down to talk. Didnt notice how time flew
We talked till morning
The "flashback to" other "times almost" just the opposite
Me in tattered overalls ... grease and grime all over
The guy is a MAFIA cool-stud
And I am the mechanic/driver of the group
Theres a big robbery and I drive a HUGE car which says its a Jeep but looks like a HUMMER
And I come ... zzzzzzzzzzoom and pick up my 'don' and the others and we ride off into the sunset!
One for the floor and one for my mouth
I had the most beautiful dream a few nights back ...
Its everything the word DREAM means or should mean
I went on a date
With a CUTE and INTERESTING guy who was OLDER than me
He took me to a small house with a small garden ... on a planet ... which contained nothing else!
There was no one else on the planet
Like the planet of the Boabab trees!
It was snowing, and it was deep in the night
and there were so many plants and only one time PURPLE pimpernel flower
which he showed me & told me a interesting longwound story about when we sat in the garden
There were books & music all over the place
before that we went in ... to the nicest kitchen in the world
there was a nice dining table in there and we ate lots of wonderful food
everything was automated ... the dishes came to the table on their own
and were automatically carried off to be washed
I was wearing a nice blue green saree
We went to the garden & sat down to talk. Didnt notice how time flew
We talked till morning
The "flashback to" other "times almost" just the opposite
Me in tattered overalls ... grease and grime all over
The guy is a MAFIA cool-stud
And I am the mechanic/driver of the group
Theres a big robbery and I drive a HUGE car which says its a Jeep but looks like a HUMMER
And I come ... zzzzzzzzzzoom and pick up my 'don' and the others and we ride off into the sunset!
I WONDER ...
who do you miss when you have a fever
why does a cold make you sad
why do we always feel so sleepy in the morning (when we have to get up)
and not at all at night (when u are finishing the last chapter u will read that day)
why do we get super religious before exams & other problems
whats that strange wrenching feeling you get when someone u love is far away & sad
how do you know you love someone
why does love come in so many varieties (like baskin robbins)
why doesnt love come with labels
why people dont have manuals
why people u "like" never "like" you ... or not the way u want them too
why you like the dumbest stuff on TV before and exam but get bored with the most exciting movies after the exam
why I miss PUCHKA and my Naani so much when Im away from Kolkata but get bored with both the min I get in?
And where Teddy is right now ... :)
when I will meet jinx again
why do I miss him so bad at times :(
when will i see Munal & Tupi & Leo again?
will I like Debanjan as much when I meet him and we are in the same place? will we become great pals or be cool cool? when shall I meet Pills again and sitting & chatting on the footpath edge in Chennai. how can Juls get married without me? will I ever meet sauce again. when will I talk to chatts again. when will I meet ad again
why is it so hard to know people, so easy to misunderstand, so natural to take people you love for granted and think ur paying a compliment and so hard to accept when others take you for granted
why do we like people then get dissapointed when we get to know them better
why am I still nervous when I have to talk to new people about work but not at all when Im just making friends
why do some people scare me so much? why do I avoid confrontations and telling people no and expressing stuff ... and then suddenly one day go BOOM and blow my cool?
Why is Munal such a nut ... and then Ma says we are like delayed twins!
Why is Cal so special ...
How long its been since I have had a REAL hug from a REAL friend
What should I do next?
why does a cold make you sad
why do we always feel so sleepy in the morning (when we have to get up)
and not at all at night (when u are finishing the last chapter u will read that day)
why do we get super religious before exams & other problems
whats that strange wrenching feeling you get when someone u love is far away & sad
how do you know you love someone
why does love come in so many varieties (like baskin robbins)
why doesnt love come with labels
why people dont have manuals
why people u "like" never "like" you ... or not the way u want them too
why you like the dumbest stuff on TV before and exam but get bored with the most exciting movies after the exam
why I miss PUCHKA and my Naani so much when Im away from Kolkata but get bored with both the min I get in?
And where Teddy is right now ... :)
when I will meet jinx again
why do I miss him so bad at times :(
when will i see Munal & Tupi & Leo again?
will I like Debanjan as much when I meet him and we are in the same place? will we become great pals or be cool cool? when shall I meet Pills again and sitting & chatting on the footpath edge in Chennai. how can Juls get married without me? will I ever meet sauce again. when will I talk to chatts again. when will I meet ad again
why is it so hard to know people, so easy to misunderstand, so natural to take people you love for granted and think ur paying a compliment and so hard to accept when others take you for granted
why do we like people then get dissapointed when we get to know them better
why am I still nervous when I have to talk to new people about work but not at all when Im just making friends
why do some people scare me so much? why do I avoid confrontations and telling people no and expressing stuff ... and then suddenly one day go BOOM and blow my cool?
Why is Munal such a nut ... and then Ma says we are like delayed twins!
Why is Cal so special ...
How long its been since I have had a REAL hug from a REAL friend
What should I do next?
PUJO, AAR AMAAR KOLKATA
whether Im near or far
my heart is still with her
its that time of the year once more
when she haunts me like never before
I close my eyes and she comes to me ...
And in my mind Ill walk her streets
Ekhun amaar Kolkata te, dhaaker shobde akaash bhora
The drums roll like thunder on rainy hilltops in faraway little hamlets with exotic foreign names
Ekhun amaar Kolkata te, koto ronger alo'e alo'e raat ujjol
Like the virgin blush of new beauty, she will be glowing and humming and sweetly smiling
Its the start of the 3 month long party
Nights in Kolkata wont be the same again till about January
Against a backdrop immense dark deserted golfcourse
Bornfires burn in my mind
Vodka on the rocks
My best friend with me
As we tried to spot 5 people not dressed in shiny black
Or International night where you meet everyone but everyone and dance till you go nuts
Everyone who stays away from Kolkata tries to time homecomings for Dec
Me and my dad for the parties & birthdays and wedding annivs and ... well, the parties :)
Some people ... because its slightly cooler in Cal then
my city ... my beautiful, maddening, enchanting, haunting city ...
at work ...
its still hectic, but they have put away the axe for a bit :)
the way things were going ... they were gonna crucify me!
After this project is over Im gonna take a long break in Kolkata o mine
And find a nice Germany project ;)
Anna told him. But she's acting weird after that
When I read 100 years and the dad was living with his girlfriend I didnt feel so bad ... I kind of
grinned while reading in a boys will be boys kind of way
I dont know why. I guess its the kids ... I cant get over how horrible it is for the kids when they find
their mom going around with someone not legit or even. Most kids need to think of their moms as
a kind of a neutered creature. I realised this when i was very young and wrote an essay on it which
won me a fullscore on 20 on 20 in my finals and lots of literary / philospohical acclaim in school.
But I was not even 14 then ... but I sympathised with the moms. Now Im just mixed up and
confused on the issue ... it doesnt seem as clear as it once did. Nothing is clear in this whole issue of
extra maritial affairs ... even the be honest to the person ur cheating precept no longer stands very
firm. I mean if ur gonna do it anyway, and ur not gonna leave the poor man ... maybe ignorance is
bliss? Few yrs back I would have said ofcourse u can fall in love - and who can help that ...
whenever, with whomever ... its like a thunderbolt & u have no control. and ofcourse u must give
way to love. BUT now I feel that we cant always afford to give way to love. Indeed "LOVE" no
longer seems as undeniable as it once did. And there seem to be other considerations, other duties, priorities ... other loves ... like your parents, your children, maybe even yourself.
Oh My God ... This is my fav soapbox and I could go on and on forever! So Ill take it up again tomorrow.
my heart is still with her
its that time of the year once more
when she haunts me like never before
I close my eyes and she comes to me ...
And in my mind Ill walk her streets
Ekhun amaar Kolkata te, dhaaker shobde akaash bhora
The drums roll like thunder on rainy hilltops in faraway little hamlets with exotic foreign names
Ekhun amaar Kolkata te, koto ronger alo'e alo'e raat ujjol
Like the virgin blush of new beauty, she will be glowing and humming and sweetly smiling
Its the start of the 3 month long party
Nights in Kolkata wont be the same again till about January
Against a backdrop immense dark deserted golfcourse
Bornfires burn in my mind
Vodka on the rocks
My best friend with me
As we tried to spot 5 people not dressed in shiny black
Or International night where you meet everyone but everyone and dance till you go nuts
Everyone who stays away from Kolkata tries to time homecomings for Dec
Me and my dad for the parties & birthdays and wedding annivs and ... well, the parties :)
Some people ... because its slightly cooler in Cal then
my city ... my beautiful, maddening, enchanting, haunting city ...
at work ...
its still hectic, but they have put away the axe for a bit :)
the way things were going ... they were gonna crucify me!
After this project is over Im gonna take a long break in Kolkata o mine
And find a nice Germany project ;)
Anna told him. But she's acting weird after that
When I read 100 years and the dad was living with his girlfriend I didnt feel so bad ... I kind of
grinned while reading in a boys will be boys kind of way
I dont know why. I guess its the kids ... I cant get over how horrible it is for the kids when they find
their mom going around with someone not legit or even. Most kids need to think of their moms as
a kind of a neutered creature. I realised this when i was very young and wrote an essay on it which
won me a fullscore on 20 on 20 in my finals and lots of literary / philospohical acclaim in school.
But I was not even 14 then ... but I sympathised with the moms. Now Im just mixed up and
confused on the issue ... it doesnt seem as clear as it once did. Nothing is clear in this whole issue of
extra maritial affairs ... even the be honest to the person ur cheating precept no longer stands very
firm. I mean if ur gonna do it anyway, and ur not gonna leave the poor man ... maybe ignorance is
bliss? Few yrs back I would have said ofcourse u can fall in love - and who can help that ...
whenever, with whomever ... its like a thunderbolt & u have no control. and ofcourse u must give
way to love. BUT now I feel that we cant always afford to give way to love. Indeed "LOVE" no
longer seems as undeniable as it once did. And there seem to be other considerations, other duties, priorities ... other loves ... like your parents, your children, maybe even yourself.
Oh My God ... This is my fav soapbox and I could go on and on forever! So Ill take it up again tomorrow.
get by with a little help
its so wonderful how ur friends rush in to help you when r low ....
im kind of in a better shape now :)
maybe will put up a pome or carry on the anna karenina discussion that me and mich were having on the blog for general discussion
im kind of in a better shape now :)
maybe will put up a pome or carry on the anna karenina discussion that me and mich were having on the blog for general discussion
DEMENTIA REIGNS SUPREME
why do I always get myself into a soup
why do I always find that I have done the wrong thing
more things change more they stay the same
once I used to get ma upset bcz tho I was good in studies I flunked exams and did badly and pissed of everyone in the school and made no friends
then I used to get Pills upset bcz I fought with everyone in the hostel ... she said everyday she used to be scared that she will hear from someone Ive hit someone badly or something like that ... like the princi or a teacher. I did brilliantly in my orals and practs ... rare feats in my univ ... and flunked the theory papers in the very same subjects
now at work I work hard and know my systems and everything - still I screw up and then everyone is putting up posters with a price on my head ...
the same things I got a shouting for as a 3 yr old I still get into trouble for - no learning curve
still hot headed and dont know what Im doing once I lose my head
still cant say what I want to say or should say until I get mad
Still cant prioritise
Still day dreaming & absent minded
Still careless & shabby and too bloody friendly with anyone I meet ...
theres something fundamentally wrong with my head. serves me right whatever comes my way.
I screw up work. I screw up my personal life. and my family life ... hah! thats a joke
Bollocks man ... I wish I cud just run away somewhere and hide for eternity.
Ill never make it.
Ill never do it. Never get there
Anyway ... it does not matter. Tomorrow is another day and everything will be allright
Guess it just threw me to hear baba crying, and see the assholes dumb mail
And worst of all to realise Id fucked up my screens :(
Ive been having a long nice run of bad luck
The nicest things that have happened or maybe the only nice things ... 2 new friends & a new car!
and that also got screwed up so badly
kams ... what do I say about him!
but what the hell ... it cant last for ever!
tomorrow is another day ... maybe things will get better soon
as long as work and baba (& my granny sweet) and leo are fine I guess I can handle the rest :)
why do I always find that I have done the wrong thing
more things change more they stay the same
once I used to get ma upset bcz tho I was good in studies I flunked exams and did badly and pissed of everyone in the school and made no friends
then I used to get Pills upset bcz I fought with everyone in the hostel ... she said everyday she used to be scared that she will hear from someone Ive hit someone badly or something like that ... like the princi or a teacher. I did brilliantly in my orals and practs ... rare feats in my univ ... and flunked the theory papers in the very same subjects
now at work I work hard and know my systems and everything - still I screw up and then everyone is putting up posters with a price on my head ...
the same things I got a shouting for as a 3 yr old I still get into trouble for - no learning curve
still hot headed and dont know what Im doing once I lose my head
still cant say what I want to say or should say until I get mad
Still cant prioritise
Still day dreaming & absent minded
Still careless & shabby and too bloody friendly with anyone I meet ...
theres something fundamentally wrong with my head. serves me right whatever comes my way.
I screw up work. I screw up my personal life. and my family life ... hah! thats a joke
Bollocks man ... I wish I cud just run away somewhere and hide for eternity.
Ill never make it.
Ill never do it. Never get there
Anyway ... it does not matter. Tomorrow is another day and everything will be allright
Guess it just threw me to hear baba crying, and see the assholes dumb mail
And worst of all to realise Id fucked up my screens :(
Ive been having a long nice run of bad luck
The nicest things that have happened or maybe the only nice things ... 2 new friends & a new car!
and that also got screwed up so badly
kams ... what do I say about him!
but what the hell ... it cant last for ever!
tomorrow is another day ... maybe things will get better soon
as long as work and baba (& my granny sweet) and leo are fine I guess I can handle the rest :)
Total DEMENTIA SETS IN
theres something about me ...
sometimes my mind kind of slows down and goes slow slow slow ... pause
and I do the dumbest imaginable thing
its these times when kams calls me a MR and my mommy calls me autistic (lovingly)
its usually when Im reading a good book or testing
then Im like so lost in why the insert wont insert or if anna karenina should feel guilty
im totally not there ... where I actually am ... and its worse bcz from the outside u cant tell if Im there or here or where :)
like yesterday - I put up a post on thornbords and totally forgot about it ... even tho it was right in front of me
paradox says somethiong about the birds and Im like "whats he talking about! maybe he's cuckoo' :)
then I go to chai bhai's site and leave a nice bright zonk "HI PARADOX"!!!
and right now ... I totally forgot that Id set up a new account to receive mails from the blog
as a part of my great efforts at being anonymous!
i kept checking uknowwho@hotmail and forgot about the new account
today I remembered and chkd and I had so many mails sitting there
ramana, sapna & vani ... yippidee ... yippdoo ... I love getting mails :)
sometimes it gets more sinister - like when Im crossing roads
thats what I got hit by my mom for the last time she hit me ...
last year ... Im working ... in front of two colleagues ... wham!
how embarrassing :(
maybe my getting senile is highlighting it
getting too old to rock and roll - too old to die at double time
"whatever" ... I learned that here in the US of A :)
came back late from work again
i hate to admit it ... i love it ;)
i know Im not making sense. so Ill finish the post here
had a nice chat with TCGFSB ... boom bang Boing!
man he's cute :)
sometimes my mind kind of slows down and goes slow slow slow ... pause
and I do the dumbest imaginable thing
its these times when kams calls me a MR and my mommy calls me autistic (lovingly)
its usually when Im reading a good book or testing
then Im like so lost in why the insert wont insert or if anna karenina should feel guilty
im totally not there ... where I actually am ... and its worse bcz from the outside u cant tell if Im there or here or where :)
like yesterday - I put up a post on thornbords and totally forgot about it ... even tho it was right in front of me
paradox says somethiong about the birds and Im like "whats he talking about! maybe he's cuckoo' :)
then I go to chai bhai's site and leave a nice bright zonk "HI PARADOX"!!!
and right now ... I totally forgot that Id set up a new account to receive mails from the blog
as a part of my great efforts at being anonymous!
i kept checking uknowwho@hotmail and forgot about the new account
today I remembered and chkd and I had so many mails sitting there
ramana, sapna & vani ... yippidee ... yippdoo ... I love getting mails :)
sometimes it gets more sinister - like when Im crossing roads
thats what I got hit by my mom for the last time she hit me ...
last year ... Im working ... in front of two colleagues ... wham!
how embarrassing :(
maybe my getting senile is highlighting it
getting too old to rock and roll - too old to die at double time
"whatever" ... I learned that here in the US of A :)
came back late from work again
i hate to admit it ... i love it ;)
i know Im not making sense. so Ill finish the post here
had a nice chat with TCGFSB ... boom bang Boing!
man he's cute :)
FROM THE DESK OF "THE SUPER GROUCH"
calvin & hobbes
its a season of finding. i found another quote which i have been hunting
for for years! its so true ... and beautiful
"The bird with the thorn in its breast, it follows an immutable law; it is driven by it knows not what to impale itself, and die singing. At the very instant the thorn enters there is no awareness in it of the dying to come; it simply sings and sing until there is not the life left to utter another note. But we, when we put the thorns in our breasts, we know. We understand. And still we do it. Still we do it."
from The Thornbirds, Colleen McCullough
dont feel like writing anything in this blog today so ill just be GROUCHY and bug everyone who reads the post
missing jinx very much today
wish he was here
he'd understand ...
i went to wandy's blog. she writes so bldy well!
didnt get any mails from mich all day ... she's ignoring me too!
neo and sapna are like, totally ignoring me ... gawd knows where they are ... god bless the kids!
I miss teddy :(
I got a lot of books from the childrens section this weekend ... agatha chrities, peter pan & little women & "willie wonka"
I read my centuries old journal and remembered how weird I was! (I mean how much weirder)
I realised I keep 3 blogs, a webpage & a paper journal
POME
"wish it was you
no one else will ever quite do
i try so hard, but its all a mess
i know inside. i do confess
uve got a way of doing everything
cute and funny and maddening
now ur gone, good bye. gooodbye
im not sure i know just how it all happened. so fast.
now ur gone, I dont even cry,
anymore. I just stare at the road. With dumb look on my face
should have been you
no one else will do
id never in a lightyear let you know
but sweetheart it was always you
PM
its a beautiful day, the internet delivered a picture of my leo
chatted with my mom
my leo (my beloved my sweet darling leo) is ill
he is getting old it seems (bull)
mom is such a darling
she is so cute
she lined up all my stuff toys in front of the webcam
and leo and my cats
and the birds
everything
and I saw my daddy in his red jammies :)
for a second such a wave of nostalgia swept over me
cant explain ... felt like my heart will break ... with a nice feeling ...
recently a friend asked me who is there for u when things go wrong
no ones ever there really ... but its not as tragic as it sounds
its no big deal - u get used to it jolly quick and all
u just take a deep breath and wait for it to pass
and u shudnt let any one be there
bcz people r very predicatable that way - they go away - or they change
or they turn out to be something totally different from what u thought they were
and then it hurts like hell
reading I think paradox's blog recently I remembered my daddy's smell
he smells of anteus and tide and dunhill and whiskey and the cement plant
he looks serious and scary or half asleep
and he frowns most of the time
and then he smiles, slow unexpectedly - and suddenly boom he's grinning like a little boy
there are things that remind me of him. anteus. smell of whiskey. or ac cars
crisp white shirts. anyone shaving and making strange faces
panes flying overhead, abriti, satyajeet roy, hemanta ... almost everything nice
listening to bhole o bhole ... corny song but cute :)
and also "piya bawri" i love those semi classical hindi movie songs!
spoke to mom for a long time
mists of nostalgia
play misty for me
svengali
fedora
kishore kumar
broken tape recorder
days of poverty
ahua
tartous
the sea
long winding roads - always the same end
whenever I talk to mom it comes to the same thing
sadiyon sadiyon wahin tamaasha - rasta rasta lambi khoj
wish I wasnt such a coward
but somethings ... u cant deal with u cant face u ant solve u cant bear
u can just run and run ...
me and the sky
I cried today to keep her company
And she rained all day
And then at night she lit up the chandeliers
To make my heart bright again
Everyone else just passes by
In the end its just you and i
Everything changes every minute
And ur left staring into the sky
one of my childhood friends commited suicide a long time back
here. in texas
we were in india then
i was in pune
chatts was in cal
sauce was in blore
chatts called me
she was crying ... i didnt know what to do
we become so selfish in times of pain
my first though was how sauce & chatts will be hurt ...
no one knew why
I was curious
i did a search on suicide in google
and I came across this site which said that
kids who are exposed to very complicated or hurtful situations
when very young are never very normal again
they never really heal
pressman said the same thing ... design time errors are 5 times harder to recover from than errors picked up in later phases of the development life cycle. somethings never go away. some things never get better. somethings never heal
u just have to learn to live with it the best u can.
my leo (my beloved my sweet darling leo) is ill
he is getting old it seems (bull)
mom is such a darling
she is so cute
she lined up all my stuff toys in front of the webcam
and leo and my cats
and the birds
everything
and I saw my daddy in his red jammies :)
for a second such a wave of nostalgia swept over me
cant explain ... felt like my heart will break ... with a nice feeling ...
recently a friend asked me who is there for u when things go wrong
no ones ever there really ... but its not as tragic as it sounds
its no big deal - u get used to it jolly quick and all
u just take a deep breath and wait for it to pass
and u shudnt let any one be there
bcz people r very predicatable that way - they go away - or they change
or they turn out to be something totally different from what u thought they were
and then it hurts like hell
reading I think paradox's blog recently I remembered my daddy's smell
he smells of anteus and tide and dunhill and whiskey and the cement plant
he looks serious and scary or half asleep
and he frowns most of the time
and then he smiles, slow unexpectedly - and suddenly boom he's grinning like a little boy
there are things that remind me of him. anteus. smell of whiskey. or ac cars
crisp white shirts. anyone shaving and making strange faces
panes flying overhead, abriti, satyajeet roy, hemanta ... almost everything nice
listening to bhole o bhole ... corny song but cute :)
and also "piya bawri" i love those semi classical hindi movie songs!
spoke to mom for a long time
mists of nostalgia
play misty for me
svengali
fedora
kishore kumar
broken tape recorder
days of poverty
ahua
tartous
the sea
long winding roads - always the same end
whenever I talk to mom it comes to the same thing
sadiyon sadiyon wahin tamaasha - rasta rasta lambi khoj
wish I wasnt such a coward
but somethings ... u cant deal with u cant face u ant solve u cant bear
u can just run and run ...
me and the sky
I cried today to keep her company
And she rained all day
And then at night she lit up the chandeliers
To make my heart bright again
Everyone else just passes by
In the end its just you and i
Everything changes every minute
And ur left staring into the sky
one of my childhood friends commited suicide a long time back
here. in texas
we were in india then
i was in pune
chatts was in cal
sauce was in blore
chatts called me
she was crying ... i didnt know what to do
we become so selfish in times of pain
my first though was how sauce & chatts will be hurt ...
no one knew why
I was curious
i did a search on suicide in google
and I came across this site which said that
kids who are exposed to very complicated or hurtful situations
when very young are never very normal again
they never really heal
pressman said the same thing ... design time errors are 5 times harder to recover from than errors picked up in later phases of the development life cycle. somethings never go away. some things never get better. somethings never heal
u just have to learn to live with it the best u can.
SUNDAY MORNING
went to sleep with my array of alarms from 5 am to 6 am
woke up at 7:30
it must take some talent to ignore 3 alarms and wake up an hour and half late
I like to wake up early on hols so that its kind of longer ... other wise it feels like it just whooshed past
chatting with my mom and trying to teach her to maximise her window
is it so hard?
how can some one so intelligent otherwise be so tech PHOBIC ... thers no other words for it
she even freaks out on the remote saying its too complicated!
what about all her windspeed and dead load and live load and projections crap like that ... thats very simple!
god give me patience!
I remember how I refused to accept the concept of negetive numbers
sometime way back in the passed and poor child she was trying to explain for so long
I still remember I was hanging from the window grill (my fav studying place)
and saying na na na ;)
i mailed a college prof today about a subject I was interested in and he sent me a list of books to read
that was so kind
its ten already! these days on sundays the hours pass like those last few hours before the exam is due to start
woke up at 7:30
it must take some talent to ignore 3 alarms and wake up an hour and half late
I like to wake up early on hols so that its kind of longer ... other wise it feels like it just whooshed past
chatting with my mom and trying to teach her to maximise her window
is it so hard?
how can some one so intelligent otherwise be so tech PHOBIC ... thers no other words for it
she even freaks out on the remote saying its too complicated!
what about all her windspeed and dead load and live load and projections crap like that ... thats very simple!
god give me patience!
I remember how I refused to accept the concept of negetive numbers
sometime way back in the passed and poor child she was trying to explain for so long
I still remember I was hanging from the window grill (my fav studying place)
and saying na na na ;)
i mailed a college prof today about a subject I was interested in and he sent me a list of books to read
that was so kind
its ten already! these days on sundays the hours pass like those last few hours before the exam is due to start