roses smell of birthdays and funerals
it depends on where they grew
heavy, heady, heart breaking
beautiful, breathtaking, bold
one rose, and a smile, is light and sweet
twelve, like frozen dreams, defrosted rotten
brown clotted blood leaves
and black veins of dried tears
embarressment, shame, confusion
trying to figure out in your head
frozen, numb, delusions
hallucinations, of a brighter day
when things you dream of come true
sometimes, they only dissapoint
you want not what you want
but how and from whom
we want not what we want
but we want it how and from who
as time sternly pulls apart
all that you want, and all that wants you
you, torn, inbetween
just freeze in helpless wonder
there's a threshold of pain, propped with numb patience
above which, he said, pain heals itself
the pain from known wounds is bitter sweet
strange wounds hurt fresh and sharp
pink
i want a day
pretty pink
dressed up in ribbons and rainbows
blue skies, one cloud
white, fluffy, friendly
green grass
rolling hills
majestic mountains
taller, bigger, older
brave
i want a day
to run away
from troubles, worries
free from dreams,
and nightmares
those who might love you
those you might love
not want to
uncertainities
effort
treading carefully
avoiding toes
to step on
i want a day
away
faraway from everyone
this world
escape to another
better one
clean air
innocent
innocent, clean faces
smutty noses
dirt smeared faces
clean hearts
a little high
on life
on the mountain air
barley beer
bamboo groves
still
silent
eternal
mossy bridges
cool
soft
rustling falls
deep
washed
smooth rocks
bizzare shapes
passion flowers
red, purple
just a touch
for depth
one tiny hand, held up in mine
my shadow
an echo, of my voice in time
stronger, more beautiful
a better me
beside me
to inspire
give hope
care for
listen to
live for
rustling, giggling little voice
tumbles on heedless
are you listening?
didi, look a donkey trail
a shephard
stars
wow! awesome ...
childlike wonder
out there now
far away
on the timeless shores of the ocean
with him who's shadow i am
looping patterns in time
families
mad mixes
of mad genes
one link in the chain
me
taken out
far away
wish i was there with you
arguing out
stupid little things
i want a day
on the hills
alone
because my heart is lonely
clean, fresh winds
with a hint of wet
rushing against a tired face
drying the rain
a want a day
far away
pretty pink
dressed up in ribbons and rainbows
blue skies, one cloud
white, fluffy, friendly
green grass
rolling hills
majestic mountains
taller, bigger, older
brave
i want a day
to run away
from troubles, worries
free from dreams,
and nightmares
those who might love you
those you might love
not want to
uncertainities
effort
treading carefully
avoiding toes
to step on
i want a day
away
faraway from everyone
this world
escape to another
better one
clean air
innocent
innocent, clean faces
smutty noses
dirt smeared faces
clean hearts
a little high
on life
on the mountain air
barley beer
bamboo groves
still
silent
eternal
mossy bridges
cool
soft
rustling falls
deep
washed
smooth rocks
bizzare shapes
passion flowers
red, purple
just a touch
for depth
one tiny hand, held up in mine
my shadow
an echo, of my voice in time
stronger, more beautiful
a better me
beside me
to inspire
give hope
care for
listen to
live for
rustling, giggling little voice
tumbles on heedless
are you listening?
didi, look a donkey trail
a shephard
stars
wow! awesome ...
childlike wonder
out there now
far away
on the timeless shores of the ocean
with him who's shadow i am
looping patterns in time
families
mad mixes
of mad genes
one link in the chain
me
taken out
far away
wish i was there with you
arguing out
stupid little things
i want a day
on the hills
alone
because my heart is lonely
clean, fresh winds
with a hint of wet
rushing against a tired face
drying the rain
a want a day
far away
Underwater Worlds
The days are still dark and cold here. For the first time since the course started, I find myself, in a way, friendless. Most of the times I am too much in a rush to care, but sometimes I miss having friends, if not around, existing. Anyway, it cant be a bad thing. I really need to get work done. I'm sure I will make some soon enough. Friends is a bad word in this context. Thats not really what I mean. Don't know though what the right word is, so I will leave it. An old friend (in both senses of the word) used to say that we are natures 'leanee'. So what we miss most often is someone with whom we can be the leaners for a change. Sometimes I feel that my friends, universally, love me only when they are in an emotional crisis. Which is actually fine with me, for most people, thats what I would prefer, anyway. Dont waste my time if you're fine. If you have a problem and need to talk, I'm there. Is it mean? I dont know. But sometimes, and with some people, its different. Oh, I'm Rambling ...
I was very worried when I started off on this. Burnt my bridges and leaped off into the dark. My first gamble. I wondered if it was worth it, constantly. My family and some friends still cant get why I would reject oxford to do a vague course i dont even know much about. Last few weeks have been so hard, struggling so hard just to keep abreast, that I too, wondered if I must not have been a bit mad. But this morning, browsing, checking bloglines, every article of interest to me was somehow related to something i had done in some class, or something i had a vagueish idea about what they were going on about ... I am sure I didnt express that just the way I meant it ... but, that really made me feel, in a funny way, that I had, infact, done the right thing. The right thing for me.
I am dying to go somewhere. I've never travelled alone just for fun though. Feels weird to do it now. Desperately want to get away, though. Anywhere. Even if its just for a day.
I am inspired by Barbie's taking one year off to travel. Would I ever do it? Suddenly, as for the first time I feel like I might have a vague idea of the direction I really want to go in, and life seems, if not on, then a little closer to the track, the hurry to "get god knows where", prove something, be someone seems to calm and for the first time, I think, like "one of them", I could also imagine atleast, taking a year off to do nothing.
Baba and Barbie are in Andaman. Snorkelling. Walking through the old prison walls. Him telling stories of yesterday the way only he could, and today, and everything. Him being himself. She will probably at some point say "didi said ..." and give away some half baked funda i used sometime to impress her, watch her gape, lol, and he will probably tell her its all crap. Damn. I wanted them to do this now. I knew I would never go to Andaman. Or Somnath. Did'nt know they would throw in Kerala though. I have always longed and longed and longed to go to Kerala. Someday. Strangers become friends as we drift. That is the part of journeying with family that I miss most. I, open to those I love, become ultra social in the company of any one person I care about. Alone, I usually become the solitary brooding scorpion.
Is it a wonder, Meet Joe Black, on my mind? But then, let his eyes light up. Thats enough.
I was very worried when I started off on this. Burnt my bridges and leaped off into the dark. My first gamble. I wondered if it was worth it, constantly. My family and some friends still cant get why I would reject oxford to do a vague course i dont even know much about. Last few weeks have been so hard, struggling so hard just to keep abreast, that I too, wondered if I must not have been a bit mad. But this morning, browsing, checking bloglines, every article of interest to me was somehow related to something i had done in some class, or something i had a vagueish idea about what they were going on about ... I am sure I didnt express that just the way I meant it ... but, that really made me feel, in a funny way, that I had, infact, done the right thing. The right thing for me.
I am dying to go somewhere. I've never travelled alone just for fun though. Feels weird to do it now. Desperately want to get away, though. Anywhere. Even if its just for a day.
I am inspired by Barbie's taking one year off to travel. Would I ever do it? Suddenly, as for the first time I feel like I might have a vague idea of the direction I really want to go in, and life seems, if not on, then a little closer to the track, the hurry to "get god knows where", prove something, be someone seems to calm and for the first time, I think, like "one of them", I could also imagine atleast, taking a year off to do nothing.
Baba and Barbie are in Andaman. Snorkelling. Walking through the old prison walls. Him telling stories of yesterday the way only he could, and today, and everything. Him being himself. She will probably at some point say "didi said ..." and give away some half baked funda i used sometime to impress her, watch her gape, lol, and he will probably tell her its all crap. Damn. I wanted them to do this now. I knew I would never go to Andaman. Or Somnath. Did'nt know they would throw in Kerala though. I have always longed and longed and longed to go to Kerala. Someday. Strangers become friends as we drift. That is the part of journeying with family that I miss most. I, open to those I love, become ultra social in the company of any one person I care about. Alone, I usually become the solitary brooding scorpion.
Is it a wonder, Meet Joe Black, on my mind? But then, let his eyes light up. Thats enough.
That which makes us clever, make us mad
Many psychiatric conditions with a neurological basis have been linked to changes in the brain affecting Dopamine based communication. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, or chemical that transmits signals between nerve cells. It appears to function as an inhibitor. DARPP-32 is a protein thats essential for dopamine-mediated neuronal communication. The gene that encodes DARPP-32 exhibits genetic variation. A variant which increases expression of the mRNA encoding DARPP-32 in the brain was linked to increased performance in a number of cognitive tests, including IQ and memory tests. It was also associated with changes in the structure and function of part of the brain known as the neostriatum, as well as changes in the ability of the neostriatum to communicate with the frontal lobe. This variant was suspected to increase risk of schizophrenia. More at the Science Daily, The Australian and
The Times Online.
The Times Online.
When Harry met Sally
Saw it again after a long time. Like some people, I never really 'get' that movie. I dont know why I keep going back to it. Everytime I do, I think I got it, and then it changes again :)
I like the movie, till the point that they decide to get together. I find that really weird. Just like doctors. How can you suddenly switch status with a friend? a best friend! Does that mean you never were really friends all along?
But philosophy aside, I love the sense of humour and I do love their friendship. Its sweet the way they talk to eachother every night. Its comforting how they are so comfortable with eachother inspite of being so different. I love the funny moments. I like the sweet bits too. Corny, but sweet ... "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
And I love the whole soundtrack, but "it had to be you" is my favourite. Ever since Rahul first played it to me, driving to austin, while telling me his story. There are 3 songs that froze with some memories of that wonderful weekend, and this was one of them.
and while we are on the topic, this used to be my favourite christmas song:
I like the movie, till the point that they decide to get together. I find that really weird. Just like doctors. How can you suddenly switch status with a friend? a best friend! Does that mean you never were really friends all along?
But philosophy aside, I love the sense of humour and I do love their friendship. Its sweet the way they talk to eachother every night. Its comforting how they are so comfortable with eachother inspite of being so different. I love the funny moments. I like the sweet bits too. Corny, but sweet ... "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
And I love the whole soundtrack, but "it had to be you" is my favourite. Ever since Rahul first played it to me, driving to austin, while telling me his story. There are 3 songs that froze with some memories of that wonderful weekend, and this was one of them.
and while we are on the topic, this used to be my favourite christmas song:
Creativity and Schizotypy
A possible cause for the endurance and continued growth of Schizophrenia in spite of it being a genetically based disease.
(My upcoming paper)
Schizotypy, creativity and mating success in humans - Daniel Nettle, Helen Clegg (Full article, PDF)
The creative process: A phenomenological and psychometric investigation of artistic creativity - Christopher Barnaby Nelson (Full article PDF)
Creativity and mental illness: Prevalence rates in writers and their first degree relatives - Nancy C Andreasen (Full article PDF)
Natural selection and schizophrenia - Roger J Sullivan, John S Allen (Abstract)
Pic: Syd Barrett
(My upcoming paper)
Although diseases like Schizophrenia can be a hugely debilitating mental disorder, which has been proved to have a genetic basis, it has been present in the human race for a long time and instead of slowly dying out, as would be expected of a disease with a genetic basis, it is still believed to be growing at a remarkably fast rate, currently affecting roughly 1% of the worlds population.
'Schizotypy' is an embryonic form of Schizophrenia, in which the affected person possesses some of the symptoms of the Schizophrenic Spectrum, like a tendency to non conformity and unusual experiences, they do not display certain other traits like introversion, affective disorders, an inability to find pleasure in everyday situations, or avolition. As a result of this they lead fairly normal lives, although they share some mental tendencies with Schizophrenic personalities. Recent studies by have found that these individuals have a tendency to greater creativity, which in turn has been shown to lead to greater mating success. This would explain why we continue to have Schizophrenia in society, because a milder variant, which could then occur amongst close relatives of affected individuals, will lead to greater mating success.
Other articles:Schizotypy, creativity and mating success in humans - Daniel Nettle, Helen Clegg (Full article, PDF)
The creative process: A phenomenological and psychometric investigation of artistic creativity - Christopher Barnaby Nelson (Full article PDF)
Creativity and mental illness: Prevalence rates in writers and their first degree relatives - Nancy C Andreasen (Full article PDF)
Natural selection and schizophrenia - Roger J Sullivan, John S Allen (Abstract)
Pic: Syd Barrett
works done. deadlines over. now i'm bored ...
Randomly surfing you tube came across this. Its the cutest and funniest Hindi movie I have seen sinc Bluffmaster! I love it!
and reading old posts from this blog before i moved out and moved back in. all the way back, from when i was in texas! Here's one: where does this road lead
And I loved this on rimi's blog!
I feel like going somewhere - very much
just random'ly
the way we would when we were kids
or rather parents would and we'd tag along
people would have come for dinner
and they'd be sitting and chatting over dessert
and suddenly get up and decide to drive off somewhere for the weekend
most of the times, i enjoy the sanity and peace of the being
the boring and straitlaced person i am
but once in a while i miss the madness of my childhood
growing up with my mad gypsy parents
and reading old posts from this blog before i moved out and moved back in. all the way back, from when i was in texas! Here's one: where does this road lead
And I loved this on rimi's blog!
| Which Positive Quality Are You? Your Result: Charity You are Charity. The spirit of giving has been promoted by every religion. Charity is kindness. It is compassion for our fellow man. Charity doesn't ask anything in return, and in this way it serves as the opposite of greed. "Be charitable with many." | |
| Love | |
| Friendship | |
| Courage | |
| Peace | |
| Faith | |
| Which Positive Quality Are You? | |
| What color are you? Your Result: Pink You are pink! You are girly and though you may not like to show it, it shines through all the same. If you are a guy then...well, you're gay. You are a happy person who likes to make others happy. Smiling is your favorite thing to do. | |
| White | |
| Yellow | |
| Purple | |
| Green | |
| Blue | |
| Red | |
| Black | |
| What color are you? Take More Quizzes | |
| what Kinda Guy Is YOUR type? Your Result: Cocky Guy a guy that could care less what you think or care less about your feelings. One that would rather hang with the guys and treat you like your second best. hes there but only when he wants to mess around or get laid. So if this is your type.....good luck.... | |
| Punk/Goth | |
| Pretty Boys | |
| Kick/Country Boy | |
| what Kinda Guy Is YOUR type? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz | |
I feel like going somewhere - very much
just random'ly
the way we would when we were kids
or rather parents would and we'd tag along
people would have come for dinner
and they'd be sitting and chatting over dessert
and suddenly get up and decide to drive off somewhere for the weekend
most of the times, i enjoy the sanity and peace of the being
the boring and straitlaced person i am
but once in a while i miss the madness of my childhood
growing up with my mad gypsy parents
Why the flashy males?
An interesting article from Tropical Topics.
We humans flout the rules of nature. While it is generally human females who go for colours and ornamentation, in most other species, if there is a difference between the sexes, it is invariably the males which dress up.
Read more(PDF file)
Koffee with Karan: Neetu Singh and Rishi Kapur
These two were one of my favourite couples in old hindi films, and I loved watching this interview. It was really sweet! Check it out ...
Love Songs
I keep telling myself I should be sadder,
but my exuberance is spilling over!
Is my gaurd, my wall, slipping?
Have I forgotten, I'm still in mourning?
It's been just two years and a quarter.
The pyre still burns steadily over.
Besides, why should I rejoice?
Yet, I can hardly still this voice!
Once more, a nothing will be unsung.
Just a verse, is not a song.
but my exuberance is spilling over!
Is my gaurd, my wall, slipping?
Have I forgotten, I'm still in mourning?
It's been just two years and a quarter.
The pyre still burns steadily over.
Besides, why should I rejoice?
Yet, I can hardly still this voice!
Once more, a nothing will be unsung.
Just a verse, is not a song.
Pyar Ka Side Effects
To prove the total lack of logic behind my song-in-the-head theory, and/or my stupidity and/or confusion, I have had random insane songs stuck in my head lately. Golden Earring, Pyaar Ka Side Effects, Rang De Basanti, Woh Lamhe, Yuva and Guru, when I should have something like Misty Blue or Ye Jeena Bhi Koi Jeena Hai, Lallu!
This is why I like Rahul Bose. Even when he does a crappy movie, with some random person, the result is hilarious and wonderful! I loved this movie. I had been trying to convert a wannabe phirang pal over to bollywood latley, one of my favourite soapboxes. I gave up when he did'nt love this movie! If you have any kind of sense of humour, if you are one of those always complaining about my lack thereof, watch this movie :D
Its probably a cliched, hackneyed theme. Nothing new in the story, but it didnt need the novelty. Something about the way it was carried off was fresh and real and full of "oh my god I've been there moments". My favourite was bose's pal who hates to change his underwear. Or the one where the same friend tells a heartbroken bose, freshly ditched by sherawat, that ofcourse she'll take him back, because she has already spent three years 'training him'. Or on a more serious (?) note, when he tries to forget her by dating again, but cant get it together with anyone else, and one of his new girlfriends tells him, you ran away for fear of committment, but inside your head, you already are committed to her.
Not to mention the awesome soundtrack. The fact that he was a DJ reminded me of hi-fidelity. And the fact that he is narrating it, as well. There are shades of them in each other, but ofcourse, even rahul bose cannot ever come close to cussack for
me (you are what you like, not what you are like). Even otherwise, 'so exasperating but cannot help loving him' scale, this character is nowhere near the one in hi-fi. But the movie is fun.
Damn. Now I'll probably have "most of the time" on my head all day tomorrow!
This is why I like Rahul Bose. Even when he does a crappy movie, with some random person, the result is hilarious and wonderful! I loved this movie. I had been trying to convert a wannabe phirang pal over to bollywood latley, one of my favourite soapboxes. I gave up when he did'nt love this movie! If you have any kind of sense of humour, if you are one of those always complaining about my lack thereof, watch this movie :D
Its probably a cliched, hackneyed theme. Nothing new in the story, but it didnt need the novelty. Something about the way it was carried off was fresh and real and full of "oh my god I've been there moments". My favourite was bose's pal who hates to change his underwear. Or the one where the same friend tells a heartbroken bose, freshly ditched by sherawat, that ofcourse she'll take him back, because she has already spent three years 'training him'. Or on a more serious (?) note, when he tries to forget her by dating again, but cant get it together with anyone else, and one of his new girlfriends tells him, you ran away for fear of committment, but inside your head, you already are committed to her.
Not to mention the awesome soundtrack. The fact that he was a DJ reminded me of hi-fidelity. And the fact that he is narrating it, as well. There are shades of them in each other, but ofcourse, even rahul bose cannot ever come close to cussack for
me (you are what you like, not what you are like). Even otherwise, 'so exasperating but cannot help loving him' scale, this character is nowhere near the one in hi-fi. But the movie is fun.
Damn. Now I'll probably have "most of the time" on my head all day tomorrow!
My Madcap Collage
sweetheart, sweetheart, are you fast asleep? good.
do you remember me, how we used to be, dont you think ....
why dont you talk to me ...
is that a hint of accusation, in ur eyes?
do you remember me, how we used to be, dont you think ....
why dont you talk to me ...
is that a hint of accusation, in ur eyes?
I made this from all the syd barrett pictures i found online - None of these are mine, really. So if anyone has any objections, please let me know and I will take them off. Thanks :)
Rest of my Barrett stuff is here : recerche.blogspot.com/search/label/Madcap%20Series and here
disclaimer - none of these photos belong to me and i found them all on the internet. if anyone objects to them being used like this - please let me know.
Rest of my Barrett stuff is here : recerche.blogspot.com/search/label/Madcap%20Series and here.
Madcap Dreams
I woke up to you staring at me
Perched at the corner of my bed
I dont know your name,
or who you are, friend, foe, passing noone
You bring a touch of desperate restlessness
You tickle my gypsy feet
I wake up with a itch I cannot place
That I could not reach, that I cannot scratch
You are as unshakable, as you are elusive
As strong as you are nameless and unknowable
Everyday sensed, never felt
You are the uncapturable
If I could put my finger on it
I would know you, crazy, shapeless madness
Are you just madcap, come finally
I know he has many faces.
I can see the words frozen on your face.
You cant find the words, or strength,
to form them across the space between us
and i cant read, or trust in, what might not even be there
every now and then i think i see you
and then again time passes and its not there
it leaves me feeling a madness, a strange desperation
it leaves me with a breathless restless anticipation
i'm going crazy, but i dont know what of
You bring a touch of desperate restlessness
You play with my half mad mind
you make me dream of silly things, see phantoms in the daylight
i'm scared of this feeling and its growing
the underline of ecstacy apart
i need to get past this whirlpool un-sucked-in
in need to get past this night alive
i need to be calm and friendly
the underline of indifference is what's hard
Perched at the corner of my bed
I dont know your name,
or who you are, friend, foe, passing noone
You bring a touch of desperate restlessness
You tickle my gypsy feet
I wake up with a itch I cannot place
That I could not reach, that I cannot scratch
You are as unshakable, as you are elusive
As strong as you are nameless and unknowable
Everyday sensed, never felt
You are the uncapturable
If I could put my finger on it
I would know you, crazy, shapeless madness
Are you just madcap, come finally
I know he has many faces.
I can see the words frozen on your face.
You cant find the words, or strength,
to form them across the space between us
and i cant read, or trust in, what might not even be there
every now and then i think i see you
and then again time passes and its not there
it leaves me feeling a madness, a strange desperation
it leaves me with a breathless restless anticipation
i'm going crazy, but i dont know what of
You bring a touch of desperate restlessness
You play with my half mad mind
you make me dream of silly things, see phantoms in the daylight
i'm scared of this feeling and its growing
the underline of ecstacy apart
i need to get past this whirlpool un-sucked-in
in need to get past this night alive
i need to be calm and friendly
the underline of indifference is what's hard
chita
pata nahi kaise jali teri chita,
hone chale saal teen, ab bhi jal rahi chita
ek ek hawa ka toofan ayaa, aag dabi
aur phir chali chita
har ehsaas, har gum, har khushi, ke neeche tera gum raha
har ehsaas mehmaan ho aaya gaya, jab jab ghar khali raha, tera gum raha
hone chale saal teen, ab bhi jal rahi chita
ek ek hawa ka toofan ayaa, aag dabi
aur phir chali chita
har ehsaas, har gum, har khushi, ke neeche tera gum raha
har ehsaas mehmaan ho aaya gaya, jab jab ghar khali raha, tera gum raha
khat
man ko apne bahut pukaara
khafa rehna chaaha
jo kabhi na tha humara
kaisa us pe rona
ab ki baar jo khat aaya
maine thaan liya tha
dar se lauta denge hum bhi
na lenge khat tumhara
be-imaan par dil hai bada
rah pe ja baitha
khuli ho ya band ho aakhein, dekhe rasta tumhara
khafa rehna chaaha
jo kabhi na tha humara
kaisa us pe rona
ab ki baar jo khat aaya
maine thaan liya tha
dar se lauta denge hum bhi
na lenge khat tumhara
be-imaan par dil hai bada
rah pe ja baitha
khuli ho ya band ho aakhein, dekhe rasta tumhara
strengths and weaknes
the thing i hate most about myself is that i cant say no. i have hurt more people more out of pity and empathy, than by any of my legendary tempers or frost sessions. i do remember how i myself used say that "the worst insult you can give another fellow human being is to pity them". that was the first of my great "sayings" as a friend used to say. but all that changed as i grew. guilt has many manifestations. the growing burden of remorse, or is it just fear? I dont know why, but each little bit kinder i get, in a way, the worse kind of person i think i am becoming
Not in Love
I wrote this a long long time ago and forgot all about it! Found it today cleaning up my hard disk. What was I thinking? lol. Dont even remember :)
I'm definitely not in love with you!
Infact, sometimes I dont even like you,
Too much. Or too much of you.
I get mad at most things you do
Though in I keep quiet
and Ignore it
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
However, in the patchwork quilt
that makes each of us complete
there's random squares of you,
that I am funnily getting addicted to!
So thats probably why I think of you so much too
Or so much of you.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
It's just that when I go to sleep,
you and I always meet!
The world becomes a faerie land
And everything is sweet and grand
However, once I wake,
the magic always fades.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
Sometimes, I must admit,
I go out of my way, just a bit,
Just to be a little closer
Just for a little longer
However, I am sure it's a passing thing
Best ignored, like a chocolate craving.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
I'm definitely not in love with you!
Infact, sometimes I dont even like you,
Too much. Or too much of you.
I get mad at most things you do
Though in I keep quiet
and Ignore it
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
However, in the patchwork quilt
that makes each of us complete
there's random squares of you,
that I am funnily getting addicted to!
So thats probably why I think of you so much too
Or so much of you.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
It's just that when I go to sleep,
you and I always meet!
The world becomes a faerie land
And everything is sweet and grand
However, once I wake,
the magic always fades.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
Sometimes, I must admit,
I go out of my way, just a bit,
Just to be a little closer
Just for a little longer
However, I am sure it's a passing thing
Best ignored, like a chocolate craving.
It's not like I like You!
And I'm definitely not in love with you!
Looking for a new start, again ...
this is a new start
will this work any better?
does a new face bring a new voice?
will this work any better?
does a new face bring a new voice?
chocolate amer: bitter chocolate
dark chocolate. bitter sweet. random thoughts. part verse. part lyric. part prose
can you hear it?
words strings. voices. echoes. memories. imaginings. colours splashes. feelings. looks. secrets. twins. ghosts of hear and now. ghosts of murdered dreams. dreams of murdered ghosts. nightmares. dreams.
soul songs. soul cries. soul laughter.
can you feel it?
can you hear it?
words strings. voices. echoes. memories. imaginings. colours splashes. feelings. looks. secrets. twins. ghosts of hear and now. ghosts of murdered dreams. dreams of murdered ghosts. nightmares. dreams.
soul songs. soul cries. soul laughter.
can you feel it?
amsterdam on my mind
checked purple flowers
Originally uploaded by preron.
purple tulips
Originally uploaded by preron.
its been a long time since the amsterdam trip, but for some reason, it kept coming to my mind today. maybe its because i was sitting in the garage and talking about paris and germany. i dont know what the connection is, just going somewhere, i suppose. we saw a whole lot of flowers. understandably, since we went for the tulip festival. but these two remain fresh in my head. this one reminded me of the roses my mom got back from chandigarh when we went for kishen uncles wedding. met vijay uncle finally. bizzare. after all these years, everyone seems so different.
requiem for a dream
i thought you had come home, when you stopped by the door
that you would knock, and with thundering heart
and trembling hands, i prepared, not to open the door.
how would i send you away? how would i stop you from stepping in?
into my horrible, dirty, broken house ...
but as you passed i realised
it was just a pebble in your shoe,
or else curiousity, in a new part of town.
and in the darkness i hadnt seen,
the shadow of someone else by ur side
its just like it was in the dream
everything u ever dreamed of, so close
and then dissapear. life is never as it seems.
u get some, you want some.
they never meet.
dont you ever wish you could command hearts ...
choose when and where and how?
dont you ever wish, you could give when asked
and to whoever the asker was ...
we could all live and love, efficiantly, and none of it wasted unasked.
that you would knock, and with thundering heart
and trembling hands, i prepared, not to open the door.
how would i send you away? how would i stop you from stepping in?
into my horrible, dirty, broken house ...
but as you passed i realised
it was just a pebble in your shoe,
or else curiousity, in a new part of town.
and in the darkness i hadnt seen,
the shadow of someone else by ur side
its just like it was in the dream
everything u ever dreamed of, so close
and then dissapear. life is never as it seems.
u get some, you want some.
they never meet.
dont you ever wish you could command hearts ...
choose when and where and how?
dont you ever wish, you could give when asked
and to whoever the asker was ...
we could all live and love, efficiantly, and none of it wasted unasked.
A Good Day to Die
it was a beautiful day. they were a beautiful sequence of days. the sun was shining. it came and it went, but when it came, it really shone. soft and sweet. and once, direct, bang in my eyes.
but thats not the day i thought of it. i thought of it another time. it had been one whole sunny afternoon. the sun smiled, grinning in quaint grey corners, twinkling on polished old cobble stones. many dreams came true that day. thats when i thought of it.
i doubt that i will ever be able to explain it. its one thing to feel things, and another to shape them in words. have you ever lived a moment so perfect, so full of promises that you dont ever want it to end? a moment who's promise is so exquisite, pleasure so complete, that you dont want to move a step beyond it?
i remember flatliners. havent seen that in a long time, wanted to see it again. they are showing a bout de souffle, and atlast, double life of veronique at Edinburgh Film Centre.
whats new is a kind of letting go. there's a common thread to all the different types of courage i have found in the last few months. courage to open up and let people in. courage to try something new. courage to risk losing, failing, being rejected, looking stupid, being disliked. courage to close your eyes and step off the ledge, past the fear of falling, because you dreamed of flight. maybe it will be allright. i know that if i can only make it past this moment, this day, i will survive.
but thats not the day i thought of it. i thought of it another time. it had been one whole sunny afternoon. the sun smiled, grinning in quaint grey corners, twinkling on polished old cobble stones. many dreams came true that day. thats when i thought of it.
i doubt that i will ever be able to explain it. its one thing to feel things, and another to shape them in words. have you ever lived a moment so perfect, so full of promises that you dont ever want it to end? a moment who's promise is so exquisite, pleasure so complete, that you dont want to move a step beyond it?
i remember flatliners. havent seen that in a long time, wanted to see it again. they are showing a bout de souffle, and atlast, double life of veronique at Edinburgh Film Centre.
whats new is a kind of letting go. there's a common thread to all the different types of courage i have found in the last few months. courage to open up and let people in. courage to try something new. courage to risk losing, failing, being rejected, looking stupid, being disliked. courage to close your eyes and step off the ledge, past the fear of falling, because you dreamed of flight. maybe it will be allright. i know that if i can only make it past this moment, this day, i will survive.
around the corner
it was a beautiful day. they were a beautiful sequence of days. the sun was shining. it came and it went, but when it came, it really shone. soft and sweet. and once, direct, bang in my eyes.
but thats not the day i thought of it. i thought of it another time. it had been one whole sunny afternoon. the sun smiled, grinning in quaint grey corners, twinkling on polished old cobble stones. many dreams came true that day. thats when i thought of it.
i doubt that i will ever be able to explain it. its one thing to feel things, and another to shape them in words. have you ever lived a moment so perfect, so full of promises that you dont ever want it to end? a moment who's promise is so exquisite, pleasure so complete, that you dont want to move a step beyond it?
i remember flatliners. havent seen that in a long time, wanted to see it again. they are showing a bout de souffle, and atlast, double life of veronique at Edinburgh Film Centre.
whats new is a kind of letting go. there's a common thread to all the different types of courage i have found in the last few months. courage to open up and let people in. courage to try something new. courage to risk losing, failing, being rejected, looking stupid, being disliked. courage to close your eyes and step off the ledge, past the fear of falling, because you dreamed of flight. maybe it will be allright.
but thats not the day i thought of it. i thought of it another time. it had been one whole sunny afternoon. the sun smiled, grinning in quaint grey corners, twinkling on polished old cobble stones. many dreams came true that day. thats when i thought of it.
i doubt that i will ever be able to explain it. its one thing to feel things, and another to shape them in words. have you ever lived a moment so perfect, so full of promises that you dont ever want it to end? a moment who's promise is so exquisite, pleasure so complete, that you dont want to move a step beyond it?
i remember flatliners. havent seen that in a long time, wanted to see it again. they are showing a bout de souffle, and atlast, double life of veronique at Edinburgh Film Centre.
whats new is a kind of letting go. there's a common thread to all the different types of courage i have found in the last few months. courage to open up and let people in. courage to try something new. courage to risk losing, failing, being rejected, looking stupid, being disliked. courage to close your eyes and step off the ledge, past the fear of falling, because you dreamed of flight. maybe it will be allright.
crankpot
i'm becoming cranky, nasty, bitter
and perpetually, sweetly, deviously, sarcastic
do i watch out zealously to find in others
faults i cringe to see in me?
the thing is, you need a window, and a lot of blinds
and scattering of ventilators
and a couple of doors that can be opened from the outside
some NMI's? without ma and with baribe far away,
there are no more NMI's
and perpetually, sweetly, deviously, sarcastic
do i watch out zealously to find in others
faults i cringe to see in me?
the thing is, you need a window, and a lot of blinds
and scattering of ventilators
and a couple of doors that can be opened from the outside
some NMI's? without ma and with baribe far away,
there are no more NMI's
a time of life
i've gotten hooked on to this song
,
and
.
Traffic signal is cute too! but not that great ...
the time is not yet right, to feel the things i'm feeling.
many things, but predominantly these: old, helpless, wistful, sad, spent.
i feel them in advance, bcz i can almost see it from here.
there's still a long way to go, before i can say i am so sorry i failed,
or that i didnt succeed more. didnt live a shade more vibrantly,
but i doubt that i'll be able to lift the weight of anymore milestones,
or the millstones on the price tags.
its watching these visions of dreams, heroism and romance
that does it. did i ever get there?
i'd thought it would last forever if it ever came,
but like everything else, glory comes in its time
and quietly whimpers away.
we live and die ordinary, grey, everyday colours and shades.
why do dreams ever flare?
teasingly, tauntingly, persisntantly,
why do the keep coming to visit nights?
technicolour, silly, grandiose,
love, ambitions and fairytales.
was life worth living, if this was to be how the end?
comfortable, loving, warm,
good, boring, insipid
is it true, the view from this point on the road?
is this the way we'll go? is it worth anything saying i wont let it?
yet i know i probably wont give up so easily.
but the thought of it makes me tired these days. such a long way
'long is the way and hard,
that out of darkness leads to light'
we go through most of life alone.
we have friends we hang out with,
we have people to talk to,
we have things to do and places to go and people to go with,
so what is it that we are still left longing for?
what is that little extra something
which we so desperately, secretly, universally long for?
is it love? or is it just posession? ownership?
she, (my springs of life?) who loved me so much,
used to say love is the most selfish feeling ever ...
and a mothers love the most selfish of them all.
i wish i had seen what she was saying then.
maybe you had it right all along
it was a possession thing that it was all about
but life goes on, doesnt it?
life, or something like it.
like ghosts in the dark, and afternoon faeries in the woods
visions of fascinating, mesmerising, tantalising impossible dreams
and ghoulish nightmarish memories of daemons of the past
follow you through with equal ardour as you run through the woods
this is not why i came to the woods
the impossibility of the dream, does not dampen
the wild rush of blood to the head
the racing pulses, the fleeting madness
of one second, one breathless instant,
one single glance, one feeble hope, one fading dream
like the weak sunlight of the morning
that tries to clear the the still throbbing reality of
the dream that has been awoken, and hushed
but the echoes live on, all day, every day
ur thoughts are as all pervasive,
as they are stupid.
please leave my head!
love brings hope and sunshine.
love wakes the dead.
dying, the gentlest and sweetest of love,
becomes a haunting, empty numbness.
i dont know which i fear more:
the sweetness of your torture,
or the fear of ur fading.
what hurts more:
the pain, or its easing.
losing u is hard enough;
i dont want to lose ur sorrow.
isnt it sad when u seek out the cruel in someone hungry for some trace for real, tangible, human emotion, experience? or is it sadder that there always is some core of cruelty to be found. or is it sadder that thats the only emotion that will ever manage be able to cross the threshold of intensity of ur hunger, from most people?
,
and
.
Traffic signal is cute too! but not that great ...
the time is not yet right, to feel the things i'm feeling.
many things, but predominantly these: old, helpless, wistful, sad, spent.
i feel them in advance, bcz i can almost see it from here.
there's still a long way to go, before i can say i am so sorry i failed,
or that i didnt succeed more. didnt live a shade more vibrantly,
but i doubt that i'll be able to lift the weight of anymore milestones,
or the millstones on the price tags.
its watching these visions of dreams, heroism and romance
that does it. did i ever get there?
i'd thought it would last forever if it ever came,
but like everything else, glory comes in its time
and quietly whimpers away.
we live and die ordinary, grey, everyday colours and shades.
why do dreams ever flare?
teasingly, tauntingly, persisntantly,
why do the keep coming to visit nights?
technicolour, silly, grandiose,
love, ambitions and fairytales.
was life worth living, if this was to be how the end?
comfortable, loving, warm,
good, boring, insipid
is it true, the view from this point on the road?
is this the way we'll go? is it worth anything saying i wont let it?
yet i know i probably wont give up so easily.
but the thought of it makes me tired these days. such a long way
'long is the way and hard,
that out of darkness leads to light'
we go through most of life alone.
we have friends we hang out with,
we have people to talk to,
we have things to do and places to go and people to go with,
so what is it that we are still left longing for?
what is that little extra something
which we so desperately, secretly, universally long for?
is it love? or is it just posession? ownership?
she, (my springs of life?) who loved me so much,
used to say love is the most selfish feeling ever ...
and a mothers love the most selfish of them all.
i wish i had seen what she was saying then.
maybe you had it right all along
it was a possession thing that it was all about
but life goes on, doesnt it?
life, or something like it.
like ghosts in the dark, and afternoon faeries in the woods
visions of fascinating, mesmerising, tantalising impossible dreams
and ghoulish nightmarish memories of daemons of the past
follow you through with equal ardour as you run through the woods
this is not why i came to the woods
the impossibility of the dream, does not dampen
the wild rush of blood to the head
the racing pulses, the fleeting madness
of one second, one breathless instant,
one single glance, one feeble hope, one fading dream
like the weak sunlight of the morning
that tries to clear the the still throbbing reality of
the dream that has been awoken, and hushed
but the echoes live on, all day, every day
ur thoughts are as all pervasive,
as they are stupid.
please leave my head!
love brings hope and sunshine.
love wakes the dead.
dying, the gentlest and sweetest of love,
becomes a haunting, empty numbness.
i dont know which i fear more:
the sweetness of your torture,
or the fear of ur fading.
what hurts more:
the pain, or its easing.
losing u is hard enough;
i dont want to lose ur sorrow.
isnt it sad when u seek out the cruel in someone hungry for some trace for real, tangible, human emotion, experience? or is it sadder that there always is some core of cruelty to be found. or is it sadder that thats the only emotion that will ever manage be able to cross the threshold of intensity of ur hunger, from most people?
what have i done
i'm sinking faster than a stone
i'll never get out alive this time
this would be a good place to stop
is today a good time to go
like a lottery - escalating
maybe its about knowing when to quit
in either way, in either sphere
it will never be better than today
i'll never get out alive this time
this would be a good place to stop
is today a good time to go
like a lottery - escalating
maybe its about knowing when to quit
in either way, in either sphere
it will never be better than today
sister of my soul. and other ramblings.
still tired and nauseus almost all the time
under a couple of layers of miscellaneous excitements
is a layer of calm numbness
and beneath that a speechless panic that
next a layer of impotent detachment.
as it watches the rotating mind pass that spot again
where it knows a way of life has passed for ever
and though the table has been cleared
and the sorbet brought in,
i have no clue what i want for my next course
at the bottom, i think, is stinging angst
of feeling unsettled and unsure
and just plain missing friends
and their reality checks.
without you to give me a reference point
without you to laugh with,
without you crack stupid inside jokes with,
without you to talk about love, life and men with,
friendless, twinless, alone.
anyone else is too many words away
noone knows as much background as you
i could talk but who'd understand
half sentences, like you do.
watching Hazaaron Khwaishen reawekens the itch
and relocates it tantalisingly, teasingly,
just barely out of reach.
what who where is this thing
i ache to be.
outside, its a sunny day.
and i'm feeling much better today,
thank you. a bit busy (for polite non conversation).
brb. catch you. cheers. happy new year to you too.
under a couple of layers of miscellaneous excitements
is a layer of calm numbness
and beneath that a speechless panic that
next a layer of impotent detachment.
as it watches the rotating mind pass that spot again
where it knows a way of life has passed for ever
and though the table has been cleared
and the sorbet brought in,
i have no clue what i want for my next course
at the bottom, i think, is stinging angst
of feeling unsettled and unsure
and just plain missing friends
and their reality checks.
without you to give me a reference point
without you to laugh with,
without you crack stupid inside jokes with,
without you to talk about love, life and men with,
friendless, twinless, alone.
anyone else is too many words away
noone knows as much background as you
i could talk but who'd understand
half sentences, like you do.
watching Hazaaron Khwaishen reawekens the itch
and relocates it tantalisingly, teasingly,
just barely out of reach.
what who where is this thing
i ache to be.
outside, its a sunny day.
and i'm feeling much better today,
thank you. a bit busy (for polite non conversation).
brb. catch you. cheers. happy new year to you too.
love, or something like it
in most womens lives, there are atleast three men
the one she loves. the one who loves her. and the safest bet.
any or all can be manifested in one person,
be absent, be imaginary, yet to appear, in trial, or absent.
if a lot of people love you, you cannot
love everyone who loves you.
sometimes, some people bore you so lethally,
that however fond of them you are, or however sorry you feel for them,
or however much you want to, or however hard you try,
its impossible to love them.
i have often thought that some people have an aptitude for joy. they are happy whatever the circumstance. the reverse is also true.
i think the same is true for love, and in relationships.
its possible to oscillate between the two ends or,
live somewhere in between.
the one she loves. the one who loves her. and the safest bet.
any or all can be manifested in one person,
be absent, be imaginary, yet to appear, in trial, or absent.
if a lot of people love you, you cannot
love everyone who loves you.
sometimes, some people bore you so lethally,
that however fond of them you are, or however sorry you feel for them,
or however much you want to, or however hard you try,
its impossible to love them.
i have often thought that some people have an aptitude for joy. they are happy whatever the circumstance. the reverse is also true.
i think the same is true for love, and in relationships.
its possible to oscillate between the two ends or,
live somewhere in between.
Open 2007
i'm back in edinburgh after a month
went home - dubai, then cal, then dubai
saw a lot of movies
partied a lot
met a lot of old friends and some new
it was a fun hols
now i'm psyched bcz i think i lost a cd case
i dont even know if i ever had it
like most people around me, i'm not exactly bored but kind of
outta things to say to the blog
so ill stop here before ennui turns to angst
till inspiration strikes again ...
happy new year everyone
went home - dubai, then cal, then dubai
saw a lot of movies
partied a lot
met a lot of old friends and some new
it was a fun hols
now i'm psyched bcz i think i lost a cd case
i dont even know if i ever had it
like most people around me, i'm not exactly bored but kind of
outta things to say to the blog
so ill stop here before ennui turns to angst
till inspiration strikes again ...
happy new year everyone
home again
been home for a week or so
feels like i had never left
took all my stuff out of packings and wrappings
and laid it all out again
strange tpo be back amongst my own again
own books, room, music, movies ...
i'm slipping out of the me of the last few decades,
that built a world out of these things
i'm peeping out
been here for years but never been to ccfc for new years
somehow
might go this year
funny place where i am
so much has changed
and so much still the same
its so easy to slip into sweet promises
you cannot afford to mean
gypsies and travellers
cant afford to pick up so much luggage
still amongst it all, you feel like your floating
travelling, desperately seeking
someone, something, somewhere which i can sense, but not grasp
like the half remembered word
tease ...
feels like i had never left
took all my stuff out of packings and wrappings
and laid it all out again
strange tpo be back amongst my own again
own books, room, music, movies ...
i'm slipping out of the me of the last few decades,
that built a world out of these things
i'm peeping out
been here for years but never been to ccfc for new years
somehow
might go this year
funny place where i am
so much has changed
and so much still the same
its so easy to slip into sweet promises
you cannot afford to mean
gypsies and travellers
cant afford to pick up so much luggage
still amongst it all, you feel like your floating
travelling, desperately seeking
someone, something, somewhere which i can sense, but not grasp
like the half remembered word
tease ...
leaving you
this should be routine by now.
the sorrow, the shame, the betrayal,
but somehow this time hurts more than ever before.
i dont know why. what will tomorrow bring?
i had burned all my bridges and
headed out towards a distant glimmering dream.
now as it shimmers and teases, and fades further
with each step i take,
and as my breath slowly ebbs,
and as i think of the time
i have remaining, and how ambitious my dreams,
i wonder where i'll end up in end.
what waits around the next bend?
the sorrow, the shame, the betrayal,
but somehow this time hurts more than ever before.
i dont know why. what will tomorrow bring?
i had burned all my bridges and
headed out towards a distant glimmering dream.
now as it shimmers and teases, and fades further
with each step i take,
and as my breath slowly ebbs,
and as i think of the time
i have remaining, and how ambitious my dreams,
i wonder where i'll end up in end.
what waits around the next bend?
goodbye again
i had saved up months of longing,
of patiently waiting, of missing you
i spoke to noone about you
i spoke to noone about anything that matters
i collected each tear-ghost, each bastard-wish,
that i had no right to make, that came out of nowhere,
each night, spent awake, counting sighs that i didnt sigh,
and when the weight of it all grew too much,
when it threatened to tumble and fall
then out of nowhere, your voice rang out
once again, in the middle of the night, in the dark room,
i huddled on the floor cradling my phone, delicate
fragile, fleeting, the most precious of connections
how did you know i had been calling
how did you know i was giving up?
or on the verge.
i borrowed you back for a few seconds
i crammed it all in, packing time best i could
but efficiency was never my forte
i rambled uselessly
silly songs i had heard, that had made me think
of you and smile
decisions i had made
paths i had chosen
but there was still so much to say
before we timed out
and so much to not say
so much you can never say
and this too, that i never thought you didnt
get in touch last year because you "felt odd"
yes. it was the worst time of my life
in a way, it still is
she took a lot with her
so many things
whatever you had left behind
most of that she took away
now there are just a few things left
like the laptop
an obscure reference
but maybe you'll get it
but maybe its for the best
what would i say had there been the time and chance
i'm sure its for the best
anyway. what will be marker this time?
from veer zara to umrao jaan :)
of patiently waiting, of missing you
i spoke to noone about you
i spoke to noone about anything that matters
i collected each tear-ghost, each bastard-wish,
that i had no right to make, that came out of nowhere,
each night, spent awake, counting sighs that i didnt sigh,
and when the weight of it all grew too much,
when it threatened to tumble and fall
then out of nowhere, your voice rang out
once again, in the middle of the night, in the dark room,
i huddled on the floor cradling my phone, delicate
fragile, fleeting, the most precious of connections
how did you know i had been calling
how did you know i was giving up?
or on the verge.
i borrowed you back for a few seconds
i crammed it all in, packing time best i could
but efficiency was never my forte
i rambled uselessly
silly songs i had heard, that had made me think
of you and smile
decisions i had made
paths i had chosen
but there was still so much to say
before we timed out
and so much to not say
so much you can never say
and this too, that i never thought you didnt
get in touch last year because you "felt odd"
yes. it was the worst time of my life
in a way, it still is
she took a lot with her
so many things
whatever you had left behind
most of that she took away
now there are just a few things left
like the laptop
an obscure reference
but maybe you'll get it
but maybe its for the best
what would i say had there been the time and chance
i'm sure its for the best
anyway. what will be marker this time?
from veer zara to umrao jaan :)
parting
ever since i was born, i have borne partings.
every few months, everytime i got used to one setup, one house,
one set of people, one set of gaurdians, i had to move to another.
one would think, by now, i'd get used to it. yet, somehow, i never do.
life has taught me to put down roots easily.
i get attached to new people before i know whats happening
strange places become home. i used to say, home is anywhere
i spend the night. i carry my home inside me.
life has taught to make friends quickly and fast.
and then labelled me unfaithful for being a good student.
but what i havent learnt is how to dull the agony of parting.
it still shatters me, everytime, to say goodbye.
and the last years new lessons taught me that partings
are not always followed by reunions.
everytime you leave your family,
you will not see them again, next year, next summer.
i have grown up seeing my father once a year.
somewhere, there was a hope that if i wait long enough
time will come, when we will be together forever
one day, we will all live together. so i waited.
but time changes everything. time erodes the goalposts
even while you are running towards them
so that panting, coughing blood, when you somehow
arrive, somehow survive, there's nothing but ghosts to greet you.
time takes everything away. you try to pluck a moment and
freeze it in your heart, but when you take it out again'
in some quiet corner of a faraway tommorow,
you find nothing but ghosts of memories. fast fading.
so the wise let go of each moment as it passes
they live only in the one they find themselves in
i have learned that trick with places and people
teach me how to do it with time. teach me to be a master of time.
every few months, everytime i got used to one setup, one house,
one set of people, one set of gaurdians, i had to move to another.
one would think, by now, i'd get used to it. yet, somehow, i never do.
life has taught me to put down roots easily.
i get attached to new people before i know whats happening
strange places become home. i used to say, home is anywhere
i spend the night. i carry my home inside me.
life has taught to make friends quickly and fast.
and then labelled me unfaithful for being a good student.
but what i havent learnt is how to dull the agony of parting.
it still shatters me, everytime, to say goodbye.
and the last years new lessons taught me that partings
are not always followed by reunions.
everytime you leave your family,
you will not see them again, next year, next summer.
i have grown up seeing my father once a year.
somewhere, there was a hope that if i wait long enough
time will come, when we will be together forever
one day, we will all live together. so i waited.
but time changes everything. time erodes the goalposts
even while you are running towards them
so that panting, coughing blood, when you somehow
arrive, somehow survive, there's nothing but ghosts to greet you.
time takes everything away. you try to pluck a moment and
freeze it in your heart, but when you take it out again'
in some quiet corner of a faraway tommorow,
you find nothing but ghosts of memories. fast fading.
so the wise let go of each moment as it passes
they live only in the one they find themselves in
i have learned that trick with places and people
teach me how to do it with time. teach me to be a master of time.
Yesterday
can you feel jealous, hurt, betrayed, in retrospect?
funny, how i used to ask you about it, jokingly
and you always were so calm. that should have rung a bell
but no, its a bit funny, how foolish i was
and naiive, to believe all your lies
such a big lie, why did you do it? i feel like asking you
your morning prayers, your chinese screens, your games
i dont think you can be, indignant in retrospect ...
just glad for any happiness anyone finds and
gladder that i'm far away from all of it
Originally Posted at Prerona.
funny, how i used to ask you about it, jokingly
and you always were so calm. that should have rung a bell
but no, its a bit funny, how foolish i was
and naiive, to believe all your lies
such a big lie, why did you do it? i feel like asking you
your morning prayers, your chinese screens, your games
i dont think you can be, indignant in retrospect ...
just glad for any happiness anyone finds and
gladder that i'm far away from all of it
Originally Posted at Prerona.
time to go again
still feels like i barely got here
and its time to go again
leaving for calcutta on the 19th
i still have 2 weeks of hols left
why am i going there? it feels so ironic at times
there were 2 years of my life when i didnt have
to split time between calcutta and dubai
i was in texas and i didnt come home for 2 years
ironically, those years bought even bigger sorrows
the kind that maim and leave permanent scars
perhaps, the worst 2 years of my life
i guess compared to that, these are small things to bear
splitting time and love and loyalties
there are many things i think about writing here
but it never comes out
like most people i know, this page is too much of a stranger
to share anything so intimate with
or even anything too thoughtful
bcz if you shout at the wrong wall,
the echoes that will come back will be too crass
and insensible and stupid to bear
so why do we keep writing blogs
the people who do not write about news, or reviews,
or travel, or humour. what is it about this page that
you cant shake off? or maybe that question can be
extended to society. except for 3 or 4 people i have known
all my life, no one will really come close enough for me
to be my true self with, to share anything close to truth
i will be polite and funny, and sectretly, condescending
but why bother then? i spent 5 years starkly alone
i lived away from the friends i had, and made not even a single
acquaintaince to fill the space left by them
did i miss people? no. i still say what i got beaten up for saying
as a kid: no company is better than 'filler' company
and its time to go again
leaving for calcutta on the 19th
i still have 2 weeks of hols left
why am i going there? it feels so ironic at times
there were 2 years of my life when i didnt have
to split time between calcutta and dubai
i was in texas and i didnt come home for 2 years
ironically, those years bought even bigger sorrows
the kind that maim and leave permanent scars
perhaps, the worst 2 years of my life
i guess compared to that, these are small things to bear
splitting time and love and loyalties
there are many things i think about writing here
but it never comes out
like most people i know, this page is too much of a stranger
to share anything so intimate with
or even anything too thoughtful
bcz if you shout at the wrong wall,
the echoes that will come back will be too crass
and insensible and stupid to bear
so why do we keep writing blogs
the people who do not write about news, or reviews,
or travel, or humour. what is it about this page that
you cant shake off? or maybe that question can be
extended to society. except for 3 or 4 people i have known
all my life, no one will really come close enough for me
to be my true self with, to share anything close to truth
i will be polite and funny, and sectretly, condescending
but why bother then? i spent 5 years starkly alone
i lived away from the friends i had, and made not even a single
acquaintaince to fill the space left by them
did i miss people? no. i still say what i got beaten up for saying
as a kid: no company is better than 'filler' company
Updates
Your life is changing, and so is your style. You're a sign with definite ideas about who you are, so this is not easy to accept at first. But as you see different things in the world, your mode of presentation changes.
Imagine that you had a doppelganger. No, not an evil one, but a totally fearless double, one who was willing to push past all the doubts and anxieties and act anyway. Could you actually be your own best example?
My horoscope keeps telling me strange things. And my Uni, stranger.
For a moment it really feels like life is changing, like I am changing.
Is this really me? Then, the old fears, doubts and ghosts come back again.
And old losses. Aches in phantom limbs.
I was sitting in the back seat of the car, on the way from Jebel Ali to Mall of Emirates, thinking of such things and letting old ghosts go ... when a nusrat fateh ali khan show on radio sung this song "tum kab pardes se wapas ayoge, main ghut ghut mar jayunga, phir kisko jaan kahoge" ... musical irony
Imagine that you had a doppelganger. No, not an evil one, but a totally fearless double, one who was willing to push past all the doubts and anxieties and act anyway. Could you actually be your own best example?
My horoscope keeps telling me strange things. And my Uni, stranger.
For a moment it really feels like life is changing, like I am changing.
Is this really me? Then, the old fears, doubts and ghosts come back again.
And old losses. Aches in phantom limbs.
I was sitting in the back seat of the car, on the way from Jebel Ali to Mall of Emirates, thinking of such things and letting old ghosts go ... when a nusrat fateh ali khan show on radio sung this song "tum kab pardes se wapas ayoge, main ghut ghut mar jayunga, phir kisko jaan kahoge" ... musical irony
dxb
when i logged in i was offered the option to switch to beta - itching to try it out but when i clicked it, it said i couldnt. damn!
i desperately want to sort out the half million blogs, delete a million crappy posts and collect the rest in one place.
sometimes there's no time, and at others there's no resources. the net just barely works here. and i dont have much net time. hmmm ...
got into a raging fight with the bmi lady at check in. there's this lady (?) called emma i always get into a fight with. have done once before as well. she's a real nasty one. i hate flying now with all the hassles they keep dreaming up everyday.
its fun to be home though. getting (even more) fattened up with a non stop supply of goodies from the excellent and awesome bahadur singh, god bless him!
i desperately want to sort out the half million blogs, delete a million crappy posts and collect the rest in one place.
sometimes there's no time, and at others there's no resources. the net just barely works here. and i dont have much net time. hmmm ...
got into a raging fight with the bmi lady at check in. there's this lady (?) called emma i always get into a fight with. have done once before as well. she's a real nasty one. i hate flying now with all the hassles they keep dreaming up everyday.
its fun to be home though. getting (even more) fattened up with a non stop supply of goodies from the excellent and awesome bahadur singh, god bless him!
hajaar mountains in the rain
I'm back at a strange place
Half familiar, half forgotten
I havent been home, to this one,
In winter, for years ... and alone.
How could four walls and a patch of
green change so much in a season?
The mountains in the backdrop, that I have always seen austere and dusty, dry, are rain soaked.
The winds that roar outside,
are not hot enough to burn skin.
And in the sky,
float clouds: pretty, bluish grey.
I want to walk out to the mountains.
More than ever they call me.
In this season,
I can sit for hours on the old bleached beech swing,
and cut back and forth through
the cloud of memories we have wea\ved around it,
for 18 years ...
18 years we have inhabited this house,
every odd vacation
but it still doesnt feel like home
but then, 18 is less than 31, and still
this life doesnt feel like home.
sitting alone with him in the dozing evening,
i remember the time i first saw him,
its been 18 years
as times goes by all the memories fade
and grow less cool
leaving behind just the calculations
tallying time ...
'quiet desperation' is stuck in my head
and i want to go home ... and read it again
a find a smile as i sneak up on myself ...
thats all there is to it then
home is where all my books are
watched dead poets society, bluffmaster and binodini (sorry, chokher bali) again ...
i never understand
wish i could read bangla enough to read the book
why did meggie come back?
had he read the book, or is there a common thread,
found it in many others as well
she is so hauntingly familiar
she makes me shiver
greed is like barnacles
unbearingly, fascinatingly,
disgustingly, irresistibly ugly
across time and geography,
its never been allowed us
its dead poets that reminded me of quiet desperation
and why did that remind mee of 'end of ...'?
and popcorn, and rainy days, and shadowy rooms
and hiding in corners with words.
loneliness has a sharp edge of desperation
most of the times, we dont venture there
our eyes meet, but i turn away
i dont want to go your way
but what would turn out, i wonder
if i let it loose? what would the desperation do?
Half familiar, half forgotten
I havent been home, to this one,
In winter, for years ... and alone.
How could four walls and a patch of
green change so much in a season?
The mountains in the backdrop, that I have always seen austere and dusty, dry, are rain soaked.
The winds that roar outside,
are not hot enough to burn skin.
And in the sky,
float clouds: pretty, bluish grey.
I want to walk out to the mountains.
More than ever they call me.
In this season,
I can sit for hours on the old bleached beech swing,
and cut back and forth through
the cloud of memories we have wea\ved around it,
for 18 years ...
18 years we have inhabited this house,
every odd vacation
but it still doesnt feel like home
but then, 18 is less than 31, and still
this life doesnt feel like home.
sitting alone with him in the dozing evening,
i remember the time i first saw him,
its been 18 years
as times goes by all the memories fade
and grow less cool
leaving behind just the calculations
tallying time ...
'quiet desperation' is stuck in my head
and i want to go home ... and read it again
a find a smile as i sneak up on myself ...
thats all there is to it then
home is where all my books are
watched dead poets society, bluffmaster and binodini (sorry, chokher bali) again ...
i never understand
wish i could read bangla enough to read the book
why did meggie come back?
had he read the book, or is there a common thread,
found it in many others as well
she is so hauntingly familiar
she makes me shiver
greed is like barnacles
unbearingly, fascinatingly,
disgustingly, irresistibly ugly
across time and geography,
its never been allowed us
its dead poets that reminded me of quiet desperation
and why did that remind mee of 'end of ...'?
and popcorn, and rainy days, and shadowy rooms
and hiding in corners with words.
loneliness has a sharp edge of desperation
most of the times, we dont venture there
our eyes meet, but i turn away
i dont want to go your way
but what would turn out, i wonder
if i let it loose? what would the desperation do?
Phantom Song: Once Again
the song. the current obsession. wanna see it again
It hurts so much to remember
To hear your voice again
To hear the sound of you laughing
Been so long since I felt the pain
Thank you ...
So now I feel alive again
This time the door slammed for good
Ghosts will be laid to rest
My knees hurt from kneeling at our grave
Perhaps its time to move on ...
Take care. Be good. Wish you well
Jokes on me again
I'll wait for you further down, at the bend
Till your done, with this round, again
Originally Posted at Prerona.
missing you. blue. true. :D
barbie munal
Originally uploaded by prerona.
barbie, bebu: Then
DSC03838
Originally uploaded by prerona.
barbie, bebu: Now
Trekkers United
Originally uploaded by prerona.
barbie, bebu: Forever
I'm a Goddess! Yeah, Right!
I'm a Goddess (yeah, right!
Horoscope for the day says:
Believe it or not, you have a twin, and not an evil one, either. This 'twin' is more like an inner child. It's your double, the self you would be if you had no fears, anxieties or misconceptions. Access that energy now.
And how do you find her? Wish I knew ...
And what about this me? Like I had once said before, what happens to the thorns that we pare off as we shape ourselves into who we want to be?
New discovery: I love my notebook!
Horoscope for the day says:
Believe it or not, you have a twin, and not an evil one, either. This 'twin' is more like an inner child. It's your double, the self you would be if you had no fears, anxieties or misconceptions. Access that energy now.
And how do you find her? Wish I knew ...
And what about this me? Like I had once said before, what happens to the thorns that we pare off as we shape ourselves into who we want to be?
New discovery: I love my notebook!
Phantom Song: Once Again
the song. the current obsession. wanna see it again
It hurts so much to remember
To hear your voice again
To hear the sound of you laughing
Been so long since I felt the pain
Thank you ...
So now I feel alive again
This time the door slammed for good
Ghosts will be laid to rest
My knees hurt from kneeling at our grave
Perhaps its time to move on ...
Take care. Be good. Wish you well
Jokes on me again
I'll wait for you further down, at the bend
Till your done, with this round, again
Yeh kya jagah hai doston
ye kyaa jagah hain dosato, ye kaun saa dayaar hain
had-ye-nigaah tak jahaa, gubaar hee gubaar hai
ye kis makaam par hayaat muz ko leke aa gaee
naa bas khushee pe hain jahaa, naa gam pe ikhtaiyaar hai
tamaam umar kaa hisaab maangatee hain jindagee
ye meraa dil kahe to kyaa, ye khud se sharmasaar hai
bulaa rahaa hain kaun muz ko, chilamanon ke us taraf
mere liye bhee kyaa koee, udaas bekaraar hai
Originally Posted at Prerona.
had-ye-nigaah tak jahaa, gubaar hee gubaar hai
ye kis makaam par hayaat muz ko leke aa gaee
naa bas khushee pe hain jahaa, naa gam pe ikhtaiyaar hai
tamaam umar kaa hisaab maangatee hain jindagee
ye meraa dil kahe to kyaa, ye khud se sharmasaar hai
bulaa rahaa hain kaun muz ko, chilamanon ke us taraf
mere liye bhee kyaa koee, udaas bekaraar hai
Originally Posted at Prerona.
That's where, I wanna be ...
Little friends at Maneybhanjan
Originally uploaded by prerona.
On the way up to Rammam
Originally uploaded by prerona.
Lone house on the way up to Rammam
Originally uploaded by prerona.
View from Rammam
Originally uploaded by prerona.
View from Maneybhanjan
Originally uploaded by prerona.
Donket trail from Siri Kola
Originally uploaded by prerona.
Loving you
The way I do
Every now and then
You creep up on my mind
And make me miss you
So much
My heart just implodes
For a little while
Wanna be there again
Right inside you
Its been so long
Dunno when we'll meet again
And you're not even mine
Wish you were, or no ...
Its more magic this fleeting way
I dont wanna drag you
Down to reality
But sometimes, its hard to be wise
And grown up, and
I miss you
And I'm coming back in December ...
To see your pale face blush
To smile at your wild wild ways
To bask in your stillness
To sit on your lonely mossy bridges
To watch you twinkling, bedecked, bedazzling
And still so clean and pure
To hear your little bells
You pure joy. Your clean laughter
Your simplicity
To feel your skies fall down on me
Every night
I'm coming back one more time
Bcz you've been on my mind
Found some other nice rammam pics on flickr. They're in my favourites
suicide cancelled
deadline extended! ha ha ha. tra la la.
omg. cud these mean i am gonna fail anyway - some kind of divine irony
oh no! i found something new to obsess about!
had to go for dinner with class friends last night
they are so sweet - they are not done (with submissions) yet,
but they preponed it for me! we had a blast!
we went for a chinese dinner and had hotpot!
it was my first time and i was really excited!
and then some of the guys were into schizophrenia too so we talked s all evening
we sat there for 3 hours hogging and throwing ideas
i had THREE different servings of dessert!
DSC04877
Originally uploaded by prerona.
so my submission has been extended and so has my ticket
i can do this thing properly now. and its back to work.
all is happy-happy!
omg. cud these mean i am gonna fail anyway - some kind of divine irony
oh no! i found something new to obsess about!
had to go for dinner with class friends last night
they are so sweet - they are not done (with submissions) yet,
but they preponed it for me! we had a blast!
we went for a chinese dinner and had hotpot!
it was my first time and i was really excited!
and then some of the guys were into schizophrenia too so we talked s all evening
we sat there for 3 hours hogging and throwing ideas
i had THREE different servings of dessert!
DSC04877
Originally uploaded by prerona.
so my submission has been extended and so has my ticket
i can do this thing properly now. and its back to work.
all is happy-happy!