finally saw trainspotting. all of it. is okay
its been a long time since I kept awake till 5:30 reading
im reading mary queen of scotts. its immanse
i started studying yesterday. the exams on the 20th
i hope i pass somehow
i studied hard till 2 ... but of course took a short break to watch calcutta-mail - abridged
god bless the forward button
yesterday - one more futile attempt to give it up! o bugger me
vanilla sky
i saw vanilla sky. i was told its vague and boring and mind blowing ... rahul, nirmal & munal. no wonder ma says me and munal are siamese ...
its mind blowing!
its mind blowing!
The Rodeo
The Rodeo
I went for the San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo
It was brilliant ... the show, the crowd - jam packed with stetsons and cowboy boots, the drive, Alan Jackson and finding my way back with the clock raced to 12. I uploaded the photographs
here!
I went for the San Antonio Stock Show and Rodeo
It was brilliant ... the show, the crowd - jam packed with stetsons and cowboy boots, the drive, Alan Jackson and finding my way back with the clock raced to 12. I uploaded the photographs
here!
wonderful wonderful weekend!
like a run and a nap in golden fields of hay
with "quiet waters by"
and a sun that shines and shines and shines ...
actually it rained
but it was wonderful
listening to the sound of the rain between one song ending and another starting
listening to alternately to a motley mix of led zep &
girija devi and "kuchh kho raha hai, kuchh mil raha hai"
cooking, eating, laughing and clowning around all day. reading, crying, remembering - all night ...
yes, surely sorrow has its joys too? the sweet side of pain?
"As I walked along the winding roads
Every cross road seemed to me to be climactic,
Fate deciding, and ultimate
Each decision that I had to make a alone,
I bent double under, pacing back and forth between the options
A million times, before I fearfully, hesitantly put one foot forward
And took my first tentative steps along the chosen path.
Convinced, a mistake will mean forever doom.
Some times I was wrong, sometimes I was right.
But lifes mistakes were never fatal.
I should know, Ive made so many.
But even when you take a wrong turn, the worst that happens
Is a unwanted detour. A forced wait that teaches much good
Discipline. Desire. Strength.
In hindsight, each point seems so trivial
No right. No wrong.
Just a rainbow scattered lines and points.
Making up one unique path. One unique life.
And a life, so beautiful."
like a run and a nap in golden fields of hay
with "quiet waters by"
and a sun that shines and shines and shines ...
actually it rained
but it was wonderful
listening to the sound of the rain between one song ending and another starting
listening to alternately to a motley mix of led zep &
girija devi and "kuchh kho raha hai, kuchh mil raha hai"
cooking, eating, laughing and clowning around all day. reading, crying, remembering - all night ...
yes, surely sorrow has its joys too? the sweet side of pain?
"As I walked along the winding roads
Every cross road seemed to me to be climactic,
Fate deciding, and ultimate
Each decision that I had to make a alone,
I bent double under, pacing back and forth between the options
A million times, before I fearfully, hesitantly put one foot forward
And took my first tentative steps along the chosen path.
Convinced, a mistake will mean forever doom.
Some times I was wrong, sometimes I was right.
But lifes mistakes were never fatal.
I should know, Ive made so many.
But even when you take a wrong turn, the worst that happens
Is a unwanted detour. A forced wait that teaches much good
Discipline. Desire. Strength.
In hindsight, each point seems so trivial
No right. No wrong.
Just a rainbow scattered lines and points.
Making up one unique path. One unique life.
And a life, so beautiful."
after a very long time I visited a new blog. it was a great feeling in itself. and the blog was interesting too. and dark enough to suit my present mood, yet flippant enough that you can convince urself ur kidding.
i realised that i really started liking these things ... ruled post-it's
something has come into my range of vision ... though its far away. its been ages since i felt once again that i want something. not "i want" like i wanna be saved from something. or not "i want" like selecting something thats on offer ... but this ...
do I dare wish for it? i dunno. what silly things i set my heart upon ... if anyone knew - they'd be so amused. its no big deal for most people. just a platform. just a project. just a job. just a company ...
yesterday i took a class - 51 people - OMG - i freaked. is this the same me whose heart felt like rollercoaster on a downward swing when a i had to speak to more that 2 people at a time? strange disease. im not shy. i can walk upto strangers and be on old cotton tshirt terms in an hour but I cant relax with more than two people at a time even if they are my mom dad grandmom level of familiarity ...
i saw the cutest little boy in class. looked just like Him. i dont blv it can feel so strange. even after all these years? how long have i not seen The face. 5 years, 6 years. and i still remember every shade of every strand of hair. every scar and its history. every look and its meaning. the exact way his voice would sound - colored with a certain emotion - laughter, anger, sorrow. in any given situation, without consciously thinking about it the first thing that comes to my mind is what he would have said. that much familiarity. nothing more, nothing less. who is more cursed than them who ran away from love ... my horoscope said strange things about a virgo in this year. hah ... "oh no ... not again"
spoke to rajesh again today. i talk to him often. but there was something vageuly different ...
oh pls - dont fall for that shit bebu
this is my faourite time of the week. Thursday EOD. WoW! I wanna get stoned. Immaculate.
Today Im listening to ...
lagaan lagi & "aag lage saare duniya ko, main teri ho gayi re balamji
and
"Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But -- there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box
I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got
There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad"
i realised that i really started liking these things ... ruled post-it's
something has come into my range of vision ... though its far away. its been ages since i felt once again that i want something. not "i want" like i wanna be saved from something. or not "i want" like selecting something thats on offer ... but this ...
do I dare wish for it? i dunno. what silly things i set my heart upon ... if anyone knew - they'd be so amused. its no big deal for most people. just a platform. just a project. just a job. just a company ...
yesterday i took a class - 51 people - OMG - i freaked. is this the same me whose heart felt like rollercoaster on a downward swing when a i had to speak to more that 2 people at a time? strange disease. im not shy. i can walk upto strangers and be on old cotton tshirt terms in an hour but I cant relax with more than two people at a time even if they are my mom dad grandmom level of familiarity ...
i saw the cutest little boy in class. looked just like Him. i dont blv it can feel so strange. even after all these years? how long have i not seen The face. 5 years, 6 years. and i still remember every shade of every strand of hair. every scar and its history. every look and its meaning. the exact way his voice would sound - colored with a certain emotion - laughter, anger, sorrow. in any given situation, without consciously thinking about it the first thing that comes to my mind is what he would have said. that much familiarity. nothing more, nothing less. who is more cursed than them who ran away from love ... my horoscope said strange things about a virgo in this year. hah ... "oh no ... not again"
spoke to rajesh again today. i talk to him often. but there was something vageuly different ...
oh pls - dont fall for that shit bebu
this is my faourite time of the week. Thursday EOD. WoW! I wanna get stoned. Immaculate.
Today Im listening to ...
lagaan lagi & "aag lage saare duniya ko, main teri ho gayi re balamji
and
"Baby we can talk all night
But that ain't getting us nowhere
I told you everything I possibly can
There's nothing left inside of here
And maybe you can cry all night
But that'll never change the way that I feel
The snow is really piling up outside
I wish you wouldn't make me leave here
I poured it on and I poured it out
I tried to show you just how much I care
I'm tired of words and I'm too hoarse to shout
But you've been cold to me so long
I'm crying icicles instead of tears
And all I can do is keep on telling you
I want you
I need you
But -- there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad
You'll never find your gold on a sandy beach
You'll never drill for oil on a city street
I know you're looking for a ruby in a mountain of rocks
But there ain't no Coupe de Ville hiding at the bottom of a Cracker Jack box
I can't lie
I can't tell you that I'm something I'm not
No matter how I try
I'll never be able
To give you something
Something that I just haven't got
There's only one girl that I will ever love
And that was so many years ago
And though I know I'll never get her out of my heart
She never loved me back
I remember how she left me on a stormy night
She kissed me and got out of our bed
And though I pleaded and I begged her not to walk out that door
She packed her bags and turned right away
And she kept on telling me
I want you
I need you
But there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you
Now don't be sad
'Cause two out of three ain't bad"
thats what you get for being a plagiarist
You're
the United Nations!
Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to
completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long
way to go. You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each
other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of
beating each other about the head and torso. Sometimes it works and sometimes
it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result. But your heart
is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.
Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid
interpeter of maladies
i saw half of LoC
It was ... good till now
i started trainspotting last night but I couldnt finish it
cz people kept calling
i made palak paneer today for the first time
it was mind f blowing - Im TOO cool man ;)
saw a deer inside the complex
it crossed the street and came over for a evening visit!
for me it was really an exciting moment
and jhumpa l has me held.
first time since "love and other demons" im carrying a book around all day
It was ... good till now
i started trainspotting last night but I couldnt finish it
cz people kept calling
i made palak paneer today for the first time
it was mind f blowing - Im TOO cool man ;)
saw a deer inside the complex
it crossed the street and came over for a evening visit!
for me it was really an exciting moment
and jhumpa l has me held.
first time since "love and other demons" im carrying a book around all day
"needing someone is like needing a parachute - if they're not there the first time you need them, chances are you probably wont need them again"
why do we place such a high premium on "letting people in" and "reaching out to people"? how many people does anyone know who genuinely gives flying-fuck? we are all individual people. with individual lives. and individual problems. and you just have to learn to be lonely and love it. Everything else is bollocks
i got a missed call today. when I got back from my meeting and called the number back a little little boy picked up and before I could say anything he launched into a torrent of words punctuated by "mamma". I dont know why I started crying. Is this the equivalent of "I spy a family" from WHMS
why do we place such a high premium on "letting people in" and "reaching out to people"? how many people does anyone know who genuinely gives flying-fuck? we are all individual people. with individual lives. and individual problems. and you just have to learn to be lonely and love it. Everything else is bollocks
i got a missed call today. when I got back from my meeting and called the number back a little little boy picked up and before I could say anything he launched into a torrent of words punctuated by "mamma". I dont know why I started crying. Is this the equivalent of "I spy a family" from WHMS
a 1000 acres
i saw a 1000 acres.
it was very disturbing
ive left the dvd to see one more time
there are two kinds of people in this world
nice normal happy people
and people with "funny" childhoods
and the twain shall never meet
its a "us and them" thing.
and they will never understand. thank god. poor little things
when the movie is ending ginny, the eldest sister is left with her younger sisters kids
almost everyone else has died
and she says, they are the real inheritence. i watch them grow
and i see in them, something me and my sister never really had.
i see hope.
perhaps its true
the lost kids, never really have hope.
its like being born with aids. u fight it in different ways brave and beautiful. or dirty and bitter
but at the end of the day ur just trying to kill time till u die. ur marked.
im gonna watch trainspotting now
highly recommended by the kiddo
lets see how that is
im reading interpretor of maladies, by jhumpa lahiri
my firt book by an indian author. lets see how that goes.
i dont know what made me start it! besides anirban's enthusiasm!
i had a beautiful sunday!
last night I stayed up till 4 am
spoke to everyone except jinx
after ages
read. surfed. watched movies.
this morning I woke up at 9
tried frantically to call jinx but didnt get through
cleaned the house.
watched a movie. made (bad) upma
went to the library, walmart, spoke to my dad. cried a few tears hidden in the toilet papers section of walmart.
tried to catch rahul on the phone but failed as usual.
laughed at myself. went to my feelgood joint - IHOP and ate a HUGE steak omlette
saw a beautiful sunset that reminded me of "the sun is setting like molasses in the sky"
and now Im home and planing one of my massive ritual soak baths.
it was very disturbing
ive left the dvd to see one more time
there are two kinds of people in this world
nice normal happy people
and people with "funny" childhoods
and the twain shall never meet
its a "us and them" thing.
and they will never understand. thank god. poor little things
when the movie is ending ginny, the eldest sister is left with her younger sisters kids
almost everyone else has died
and she says, they are the real inheritence. i watch them grow
and i see in them, something me and my sister never really had.
i see hope.
perhaps its true
the lost kids, never really have hope.
its like being born with aids. u fight it in different ways brave and beautiful. or dirty and bitter
but at the end of the day ur just trying to kill time till u die. ur marked.
im gonna watch trainspotting now
highly recommended by the kiddo
lets see how that is
im reading interpretor of maladies, by jhumpa lahiri
my firt book by an indian author. lets see how that goes.
i dont know what made me start it! besides anirban's enthusiasm!
i had a beautiful sunday!
last night I stayed up till 4 am
spoke to everyone except jinx
after ages
read. surfed. watched movies.
this morning I woke up at 9
tried frantically to call jinx but didnt get through
cleaned the house.
watched a movie. made (bad) upma
went to the library, walmart, spoke to my dad. cried a few tears hidden in the toilet papers section of walmart.
tried to catch rahul on the phone but failed as usual.
laughed at myself. went to my feelgood joint - IHOP and ate a HUGE steak omlette
saw a beautiful sunset that reminded me of "the sun is setting like molasses in the sky"
and now Im home and planing one of my massive ritual soak baths.
i woke up late
did odd jobs around the house
lots a precious possesion
sat on the sidewalk in the sun and ate chocolate ice cream
felt lonely
saw three movies
had 3 conversations
and cooked chicken with herbs and honey
what a beautiful day!
i saw white oleander, dead man walking & original sin
in white oleander i liked something that her mother says ... loneliness is an essential part of the human experience. you will never get rid of it. learn to accept it and enjoy it. dont get attached to the first person who shows and interest in you out of fear of loneliness
i dead man walking i liked the way she is torn between the two sides of the story. what is right. what is wrong. i liked the way the keep showing the flashback of the kids killing the rat ... her one of them. cast the first stone.
in the original sin i liked the end when the boy monk says ... "but no one is innocent"
did odd jobs around the house
lots a precious possesion
sat on the sidewalk in the sun and ate chocolate ice cream
felt lonely
saw three movies
had 3 conversations
and cooked chicken with herbs and honey
what a beautiful day!
i saw white oleander, dead man walking & original sin
in white oleander i liked something that her mother says ... loneliness is an essential part of the human experience. you will never get rid of it. learn to accept it and enjoy it. dont get attached to the first person who shows and interest in you out of fear of loneliness
i dead man walking i liked the way she is torn between the two sides of the story. what is right. what is wrong. i liked the way the keep showing the flashback of the kids killing the rat ... her one of them. cast the first stone.
in the original sin i liked the end when the boy monk says ... "but no one is innocent"
yesterday I got a team tshirt from a old project Id worked on once.
pretty exciting, only that its xl :)
most of my friends in dubai were at the tull / chaurasia concert
and I got calls from them making me listen on the phone (!) ... OMG I wish I was there!
ive never been away from my mommy for so long before ... when I was in UK she came over 3 times and papa came 3 times too ... so that was 6 visits. and I went over to dubai once.
last night I saw a really shitty movie but it had a lot of mom-ish senti and I went wa-wa-waaa. missed my mommy.
last night at 11 the whole place was full of fog. went for a drive. just nearby. it was awesome. like driving in the clouds.
pretty exciting, only that its xl :)
most of my friends in dubai were at the tull / chaurasia concert
and I got calls from them making me listen on the phone (!) ... OMG I wish I was there!
ive never been away from my mommy for so long before ... when I was in UK she came over 3 times and papa came 3 times too ... so that was 6 visits. and I went over to dubai once.
last night I saw a really shitty movie but it had a lot of mom-ish senti and I went wa-wa-waaa. missed my mommy.
last night at 11 the whole place was full of fog. went for a drive. just nearby. it was awesome. like driving in the clouds.
I woke up this morning and I was happy ...
There are somethings which just switch me on the to happiness ...
Talking to some people
A certain way"" the sky is ...
wetness in the air ...
Looking in the mirror :)
Compliments
helping someone succesfully (v imp for a klutz)
getting something right at work
compliments
talking to someone i like ...
I could go one and on
There are somethings which just switch me on the to happiness ...
Talking to some people
A certain way"" the sky is ...
wetness in the air ...
Looking in the mirror :)
Compliments
helping someone succesfully (v imp for a klutz)
getting something right at work
compliments
talking to someone i like ...
I could go one and on
gods of clay
its a great thing to have faith in your fellow humans
Im sorry to say, I dont ...
I expect the filthiest dirt from everyone - bcz thats what I have always seen
but still, every once in a while
someone will slip through my gaurd and evaluation gates
and then I take them to the other extreme ...
these people are like gods, like parents, like friends ... whats the difference - at the end of the day.
they can shout at you, be rude to you, beat you up - but they always have ur interests at heart
when one of these people turn the knife ... it hurts like bloody hell ... e tu!
anyway ...
i spoke to rajesh today - after ages.
this is a guy I was once in love with ... in class 3 :)
i soon got over that, but we've great friends since then though both of us are a little sporadic in our attentions
its nice talking to someone who you've known since way back when
and I spoke to anu after ages
this is a girl I became pally with so recently that I havent even noticed it yet :)
but I really missed her while she was gone and though she's been back a while,
we had our first big "chat" last night and it was Great!
aise hi hote hain hum banjaara.
idhar udhar, ismein usmein,
dhunde bichhre ghar ke saaye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye
jahaan thori si dhup khili ho
jahaan hawa naram bahein
pal do pal ghar wahaan hi paye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye
Im sorry to say, I dont ...
I expect the filthiest dirt from everyone - bcz thats what I have always seen
but still, every once in a while
someone will slip through my gaurd and evaluation gates
and then I take them to the other extreme ...
these people are like gods, like parents, like friends ... whats the difference - at the end of the day.
they can shout at you, be rude to you, beat you up - but they always have ur interests at heart
when one of these people turn the knife ... it hurts like bloody hell ... e tu!
anyway ...
i spoke to rajesh today - after ages.
this is a guy I was once in love with ... in class 3 :)
i soon got over that, but we've great friends since then though both of us are a little sporadic in our attentions
its nice talking to someone who you've known since way back when
and I spoke to anu after ages
this is a girl I became pally with so recently that I havent even noticed it yet :)
but I really missed her while she was gone and though she's been back a while,
we had our first big "chat" last night and it was Great!
aise hi hote hain hum banjaara.
idhar udhar, ismein usmein,
dhunde bichhre ghar ke saaye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye
jahaan thori si dhup khili ho
jahaan hawa naram bahein
pal do pal ghar wahaan hi paye ...
aur phir raah pein chal diye
I had a beautiful saturday - lazy and sweet
But last night - I heard something from someone I know which shocked and disgusted me
so much that Im still feeling sick whenever I think about it
why is there so much grossness in the world
and why are we so bad at judging people
this is someone who I thought so wonderful and so clean - till ...
worst of all are the people who claim they love you
this is love? god its sick!
or maybe Im wrong. maybe this is love ...
dirty, twisted, selfish, blind, self-obsessed ... is this love?
this horrible, hateful greed. this grasping, wanting, hunger for possession ... is this love?
anyway ... like they say, life nehi hain laddu, beta!
i got a whole load of movies today - bhoot (my ajay :), "haan maine bhi pyaar kiya" & "the english man who went up a hill". I woke up late. stayed on in bed reading "the little lord fauntleroy". drove to the gasstation and vacuumed my car clean. vacuumed the house. cleaned the loo. listened to the rain. window shopped at best buy. lunched on raajma and dined on spagetti. and drove all the way to sleepytown. what beatuful day. what a beautiful life. how sweet it is to be alive and free.
But last night - I heard something from someone I know which shocked and disgusted me
so much that Im still feeling sick whenever I think about it
why is there so much grossness in the world
and why are we so bad at judging people
this is someone who I thought so wonderful and so clean - till ...
worst of all are the people who claim they love you
this is love? god its sick!
or maybe Im wrong. maybe this is love ...
dirty, twisted, selfish, blind, self-obsessed ... is this love?
this horrible, hateful greed. this grasping, wanting, hunger for possession ... is this love?
anyway ... like they say, life nehi hain laddu, beta!
i got a whole load of movies today - bhoot (my ajay :), "haan maine bhi pyaar kiya" & "the english man who went up a hill". I woke up late. stayed on in bed reading "the little lord fauntleroy". drove to the gasstation and vacuumed my car clean. vacuumed the house. cleaned the loo. listened to the rain. window shopped at best buy. lunched on raajma and dined on spagetti. and drove all the way to sleepytown. what beatuful day. what a beautiful life. how sweet it is to be alive and free.
dementia returns
when I look back on my life
sometimes I wonder how I survived so far ... and remained sane!
sane ... what sane! who sane! how sane ... r u insane!!!
ab bas bahut ho gaya ... come back for a bit now lady luck ... pretty pls
what am I gonna do? life is so ... stuck!
everybody needs some body to love
everybody wants some body to love
u better find some body to love
but its hard to find some body to love ...
life is so confusing ... whats real whats not ... whats dirty whats fun ... whats achievement - whats just a gamescore
im so ... atka ... Im not getting anywhere - ive become so old ... how long will I go one like this! I realised with a shock that day ... its been 6 years now - and I havent even started! Im not even moving! SIX F YEARS! i gotto rush. i gotto make things happen. somehow. anyhow. dunno ... "kya kya na socha tha maine ... kya kya na sapne sajaaye ..." kuchh nehi ho raha hai! arre ho ga ho ga bachhi ... be patient - one step at a time ... like baba says - life is a long distance race - he who lasts the longest wins ... gotto hang on in there ... khaali sapne dekhne se koi aaj tak bara aadmi nehi bana ... kaam karo ... mehnat karo ... himmat karo ... papaar belo ... ;)
i wanna learn how to play the violin.
i wanna bungee jump
i wanna go to germany
i wanna buy a house
i wanna have a lab(rador)
i wanna learn how to cook (properly)
i wanna go somewhere alone - for a holiday
and many more things too real & personal for the blog ...
unformed / unshaped / blind desires which Im still trying to shape and lead
u just have this vague feeling that ur headed for somewhere bigtime
but u dont know where or how ur gonna get there ...
sometimes I wonder how I survived so far ... and remained sane!
sane ... what sane! who sane! how sane ... r u insane!!!
ab bas bahut ho gaya ... come back for a bit now lady luck ... pretty pls
what am I gonna do? life is so ... stuck!
everybody needs some body to love
everybody wants some body to love
u better find some body to love
but its hard to find some body to love ...
life is so confusing ... whats real whats not ... whats dirty whats fun ... whats achievement - whats just a gamescore
im so ... atka ... Im not getting anywhere - ive become so old ... how long will I go one like this! I realised with a shock that day ... its been 6 years now - and I havent even started! Im not even moving! SIX F YEARS! i gotto rush. i gotto make things happen. somehow. anyhow. dunno ... "kya kya na socha tha maine ... kya kya na sapne sajaaye ..." kuchh nehi ho raha hai! arre ho ga ho ga bachhi ... be patient - one step at a time ... like baba says - life is a long distance race - he who lasts the longest wins ... gotto hang on in there ... khaali sapne dekhne se koi aaj tak bara aadmi nehi bana ... kaam karo ... mehnat karo ... himmat karo ... papaar belo ... ;)
i wanna learn how to play the violin.
i wanna bungee jump
i wanna go to germany
i wanna buy a house
i wanna have a lab(rador)
i wanna learn how to cook (properly)
i wanna go somewhere alone - for a holiday
and many more things too real & personal for the blog ...
unformed / unshaped / blind desires which Im still trying to shape and lead
u just have this vague feeling that ur headed for somewhere bigtime
but u dont know where or how ur gonna get there ...
chameli
I saw Chameli
Got hold of the DVD out of sheer luck
Ek dum naya ... bole toh ;)
Iit was pretty nice
I liked it ...
Im disgusted so many people around though
such foolishness ...
such meanness ...
Just waiting for the mega-tamasha to get over to go into hibernation
like the mole ... theres only so much of company I can take
people have such a knack for being dissapointing
but then thats only when you xpect stuff from them ...
if you treat it all like a variety entertainment show its fun to watch
yeah - Im in a mean and bitchy mood!
and I saw Munna bhai MBBS too ... it was great time pass value ... actually I saw only the first half & I walked out after that. And on Sunday I saw "along came polly"
Got hold of the DVD out of sheer luck
Ek dum naya ... bole toh ;)
Iit was pretty nice
I liked it ...
Im disgusted so many people around though
such foolishness ...
such meanness ...
Just waiting for the mega-tamasha to get over to go into hibernation
like the mole ... theres only so much of company I can take
people have such a knack for being dissapointing
but then thats only when you xpect stuff from them ...
if you treat it all like a variety entertainment show its fun to watch
yeah - Im in a mean and bitchy mood!
and I saw Munna bhai MBBS too ... it was great time pass value ... actually I saw only the first half & I walked out after that. And on Sunday I saw "along came polly"
what is love
what is love ...
does anyone know?
i dont, i guess I never will.
is love feeling the wonderful coolth and sweetly fragrant colors of a wild evening breeze?
and letting it glide through your fingers without ur fingers once shaking a little inane urge to grasp it?
is love seeing a mountain flower without wanting to touch it ... or better still, wanting and still not touching it ...
is love pouring out ur whole soul into one moment of love,
where u feel like ur whole existence quivers & reverbates in resonance?
knowing that the one in who's arms u are melting ur life and soul
will walk out and go on to someone else in the next hour?
smiling at a smile, laughing at a laugh and running restless to soothe the smallest fear ...
or is love when you want to shout till the whole world is drowned out to cinders
and washed away in the flood in second hand pain?
or is love when you want to kill everything that lived bcz the ur love is dying
or is love when u want to burn down whole villages - because the one you loved smiled like that ...
at someone elses charms ...
is love the flame - burning with rage
or is love the lake - calm and silent. smiling. all knowing
or is love the wind. never holding on ...
"Because if love means forever, expecting nothing returned
Then I hope I'll be given another whole lifetime to learn "
does anyone know?
i dont, i guess I never will.
is love feeling the wonderful coolth and sweetly fragrant colors of a wild evening breeze?
and letting it glide through your fingers without ur fingers once shaking a little inane urge to grasp it?
is love seeing a mountain flower without wanting to touch it ... or better still, wanting and still not touching it ...
is love pouring out ur whole soul into one moment of love,
where u feel like ur whole existence quivers & reverbates in resonance?
knowing that the one in who's arms u are melting ur life and soul
will walk out and go on to someone else in the next hour?
smiling at a smile, laughing at a laugh and running restless to soothe the smallest fear ...
or is love when you want to shout till the whole world is drowned out to cinders
and washed away in the flood in second hand pain?
or is love when you want to kill everything that lived bcz the ur love is dying
or is love when u want to burn down whole villages - because the one you loved smiled like that ...
at someone elses charms ...
is love the flame - burning with rage
or is love the lake - calm and silent. smiling. all knowing
or is love the wind. never holding on ...
"Because if love means forever, expecting nothing returned
Then I hope I'll be given another whole lifetime to learn "
walking on air
have you ever dreamed of walking through a sea
thats what the sky looked like today
a vast swirling white sea of mist
and I found myself time and again
drawn to the vast wide walls of glass
and stepping through and walking out into it
I wanna walking on air, again. i wanna fly on a voice, again.
i wanna melt of the window and drip and dissolve
into the big living throbbing mass cerrulean and white, again
Im listening to ...
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I’d rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do
I’m only just beginning
To see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all it’s strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I’m just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth
At times I’d like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I’d like to break through
And hold you endlessly
At times I understand you
And I know how hard you try
I watched while love commands you
And I’ve watched love pass you by
At times I think we’re drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again
sometimes when we touch, Rod-Stewart
thats what the sky looked like today
a vast swirling white sea of mist
and I found myself time and again
drawn to the vast wide walls of glass
and stepping through and walking out into it
I wanna walking on air, again. i wanna fly on a voice, again.
i wanna melt of the window and drip and dissolve
into the big living throbbing mass cerrulean and white, again
Im listening to ...
You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I’d rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do
I’m only just beginning
To see the real you
And sometimes when we touch
The honesty’s too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I want to hold you till I die
Till we both break down and cry
I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides
Romance and all it’s strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through all the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I’m just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth
At times I’d like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I’d like to break through
And hold you endlessly
At times I understand you
And I know how hard you try
I watched while love commands you
And I’ve watched love pass you by
At times I think we’re drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again
sometimes when we touch, Rod-Stewart
"Perchance a moonbeam waltzed this way, not so long ago"
Im bored. Its 11:53
and my eyes are tired looking out for moonbeams
that are dimmed out of vision by the bright glare of everyday :)
theres a strange feeling of restlessness
waiting for the inevitable
if uve stared at the gun long enough it hypnotises you
and u walk into the bullet in rapture ... like the thornbirds
"to die, would be an awfully big adventure"
i saw the faeri dance in peter pan - and left a part of me behind in that moment
it was enchanting. i want to see the movie again. and again. and again ...
the faeri dance reminded me of train journeys as a child - looking out of the window
and all teh land and the sky dissolved in one mysterious dark void
with little twinkling lights above and below ... faeri-dance ...
Im bored. Its 11:53
and my eyes are tired looking out for moonbeams
that are dimmed out of vision by the bright glare of everyday :)
theres a strange feeling of restlessness
waiting for the inevitable
if uve stared at the gun long enough it hypnotises you
and u walk into the bullet in rapture ... like the thornbirds
"to die, would be an awfully big adventure"
i saw the faeri dance in peter pan - and left a part of me behind in that moment
it was enchanting. i want to see the movie again. and again. and again ...
the faeri dance reminded me of train journeys as a child - looking out of the window
and all teh land and the sky dissolved in one mysterious dark void
with little twinkling lights above and below ... faeri-dance ...
My Sunday Feeling
my sunday feeling is coming on over me,
now that the night is over.
got to clear my head so i can see.
till i get to put together, that old feeling won't let me be.
won't somebody tell me where i laid my head last night?
i really don't remember,
but with one more cigarette i think i might.
till i get to put together, well that old feeling can't get me right.
need some assistance, have you listened to what i've said?
oh, i don't feel so good.
need someone to help me to my bed
till i get to put together, that old feeling is in my head
My Sunday Feeling, by Jethro Tull
Its a beautiful golden honey spice day
Woke up late and was on the phone with all the nicest people all day
Made (awesome) spagetti last night
Had spagetti & wine & watched "truth about cats and dogs" ... home alone never got better than this
I finally saw the whole of peter pan
it was always one of my favourite stories and i knew most of the dialogues by heart
so it must have been a pain to watch it with me
but jeremy sumpter & rachel hurd-wood were brilliant!
they are both so young (14 and 13 respectively) and they were so good!
it was enchanting!
now that the night is over.
got to clear my head so i can see.
till i get to put together, that old feeling won't let me be.
won't somebody tell me where i laid my head last night?
i really don't remember,
but with one more cigarette i think i might.
till i get to put together, well that old feeling can't get me right.
need some assistance, have you listened to what i've said?
oh, i don't feel so good.
need someone to help me to my bed
till i get to put together, that old feeling is in my head
My Sunday Feeling, by Jethro Tull
Its a beautiful golden honey spice day
Woke up late and was on the phone with all the nicest people all day
Made (awesome) spagetti last night
Had spagetti & wine & watched "truth about cats and dogs" ... home alone never got better than this
I finally saw the whole of peter pan
it was always one of my favourite stories and i knew most of the dialogues by heart
so it must have been a pain to watch it with me
but jeremy sumpter & rachel hurd-wood were brilliant!
they are both so young (14 and 13 respectively) and they were so good!
it was enchanting!
for star
the First friend I made on the blog
suddenly i hardly talk to her any more
her preferred medium of contact is the mail at work
policies at work dont let me do that too much anymore
my preferred medium of contact is the phone and after 9 CST
star stays at home and i dont think its cool for her to be on the phone that late
i miss her and her unique style :)
i also miss her acid comments and the laughing
and the roses on my blog
aah well ... as the wise one (that me, ofcourse) always says life nehi hai laddoo
but Im writing this post for her bcz she used to get so irritated with the way
I fought with my hair to imprison it when I went to work ...
i left it down today!
not that theres much of it ... but it was fun!!! :))
suddenly i hardly talk to her any more
her preferred medium of contact is the mail at work
policies at work dont let me do that too much anymore
my preferred medium of contact is the phone and after 9 CST
star stays at home and i dont think its cool for her to be on the phone that late
i miss her and her unique style :)
i also miss her acid comments and the laughing
and the roses on my blog
aah well ... as the wise one (that me, ofcourse) always says life nehi hai laddoo
but Im writing this post for her bcz she used to get so irritated with the way
I fought with my hair to imprison it when I went to work ...
i left it down today!
not that theres much of it ... but it was fun!!! :))
i wanna be ...
on the terrace
in the rain
and I wanna blast
I was a midnight rider on a cloud of smoke
I could make a woman hang on every single stroke
I was an iron man I had a master plan
But I was alone
I could hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind
I remember how your body started trembling
Oh what a night it's been, and for the state I'm in
I'm still alone
And all the wonders made for the earth
And all the hearts in all creation
Somehow I always end up alone
Always end up alone, always end up alone
So I'll play, I'll wait
'Cause you know that love takes time
Living love betwen the line
We came (sha la) so close (so far)
Just the beat of a lonely heart
And it's mi-i-ine, and I don't wanna be alone
Well, since I got no message on your answer phone
Since you're busy every minute I just stay at home
I make believe you care, I feel you everywhere
But I'm still alone
I'm on a wheel of fortune with a twist of fate
'Cause I know it isn't heaven is it love or hate
Am I the subject of the pain
Am I the stranger in the rain I am alone
And is there glory there to behold
Maybe it's my imagination another story there to be told
So I play sha la, I'll wait sha la
And I pray it's not too late
We came sha la so far so far
Just a beat of a lonely heart and it's mi-i-ine
And I don't wanna be alone
Gone but not out of sight
I'm caught in the rain and there's no one home
I don't wanna be alone face the heat of the the night
The one that you love's got a heart that's made of stone
You search for the light
And sooner or later you'll be cruising on your ocean
And clean out of sight I'm caught in the rain
And there's no one home"
alone, bee gees
in the rain
and I wanna blast
I was a midnight rider on a cloud of smoke
I could make a woman hang on every single stroke
I was an iron man I had a master plan
But I was alone
I could hear you breathing with a sigh of the wind
I remember how your body started trembling
Oh what a night it's been, and for the state I'm in
I'm still alone
And all the wonders made for the earth
And all the hearts in all creation
Somehow I always end up alone
Always end up alone, always end up alone
So I'll play, I'll wait
'Cause you know that love takes time
Living love betwen the line
We came (sha la) so close (so far)
Just the beat of a lonely heart
And it's mi-i-ine, and I don't wanna be alone
Well, since I got no message on your answer phone
Since you're busy every minute I just stay at home
I make believe you care, I feel you everywhere
But I'm still alone
I'm on a wheel of fortune with a twist of fate
'Cause I know it isn't heaven is it love or hate
Am I the subject of the pain
Am I the stranger in the rain I am alone
And is there glory there to behold
Maybe it's my imagination another story there to be told
So I play sha la, I'll wait sha la
And I pray it's not too late
We came sha la so far so far
Just a beat of a lonely heart and it's mi-i-ine
And I don't wanna be alone
Gone but not out of sight
I'm caught in the rain and there's no one home
I don't wanna be alone face the heat of the the night
The one that you love's got a heart that's made of stone
You search for the light
And sooner or later you'll be cruising on your ocean
And clean out of sight I'm caught in the rain
And there's no one home"
alone, bee gees
the legend of the thornbirds
"There is a legand about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to outcarol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain.... Or so says the legend." The Thornbirds
Im up at 3am reading my own webpages! what can be madder!
but I couldnt sleep - and charecteristically - I found I really liked my own page.
I say charecteristically - bcz I guess I like "me" too :)
Ive recently been asking people ... name 5 things you like best about yourself
I find that almost everyone finds it as hard to answer as I do myself
Im up at 3am reading my own webpages! what can be madder!
but I couldnt sleep - and charecteristically - I found I really liked my own page.
I say charecteristically - bcz I guess I like "me" too :)
Ive recently been asking people ... name 5 things you like best about yourself
I find that almost everyone finds it as hard to answer as I do myself
random notes
I miss - the sun in dubai
the shed behind the house in the veg garden
leo, tupi, bonzo
ma baba mummy munal jinx and sponge cake
i need to talk to someone ... but none of the people who I can talk to about this one forbidden topic are around / accessible and its Killing me
i need jinx - right here - right now
i miss the house ... kolkata / HP ... the roof / my room / the sunflowers / the floor the smell / the feel
i miss my books
but if I go back right now Ill die :)
i miss someone I left behind somewhere along the way - a one particular me ...
the sky, from here, looks like a field of cotton
i want to lose weight so bad
theres something missing ...
i want chocolate cake
i feel like riding a cycle
i need to quit before it kills me
im wearing makeup after months / weeks
im bored
ive no work right now
i wanna have a baby
i wish my hair would grow some
i wanna go to corpus! correction - i wanna drive to corpus
it would be nice to have "someone" ... :D but its not worth the trouble ;)
i dreamt of the omayad hotel in damascus where I stayed so looooooooong ago!!!
i dreamt of turkey too - same dream - we were in that horrible museum - baba left his car keys in the car - we were trying to take it out with the hangar ...
strange! its been so long since these things happened - I was a baby
i didnt even know I remembered - and they are such little insignificant incidents!
i like rahul bose :)
i dont know what I said but i remember saying something ... weird - but cute - and nice ...
like a snap of someone u once liked - or a good time u once had - tuckked away in an inside pocket of ur coat - pulled out and looked at once in a while - a heart smile
you have the warmest voice - its like a warm blanket
the shed behind the house in the veg garden
leo, tupi, bonzo
ma baba mummy munal jinx and sponge cake
i need to talk to someone ... but none of the people who I can talk to about this one forbidden topic are around / accessible and its Killing me
i need jinx - right here - right now
i miss the house ... kolkata / HP ... the roof / my room / the sunflowers / the floor the smell / the feel
i miss my books
but if I go back right now Ill die :)
i miss someone I left behind somewhere along the way - a one particular me ...
the sky, from here, looks like a field of cotton
i want to lose weight so bad
theres something missing ...
i want chocolate cake
i feel like riding a cycle
i need to quit before it kills me
im wearing makeup after months / weeks
im bored
ive no work right now
i wanna have a baby
i wish my hair would grow some
i wanna go to corpus! correction - i wanna drive to corpus
it would be nice to have "someone" ... :D but its not worth the trouble ;)
i dreamt of the omayad hotel in damascus where I stayed so looooooooong ago!!!
i dreamt of turkey too - same dream - we were in that horrible museum - baba left his car keys in the car - we were trying to take it out with the hangar ...
strange! its been so long since these things happened - I was a baby
i didnt even know I remembered - and they are such little insignificant incidents!
i like rahul bose :)
i dont know what I said but i remember saying something ... weird - but cute - and nice ...
like a snap of someone u once liked - or a good time u once had - tuckked away in an inside pocket of ur coat - pulled out and looked at once in a while - a heart smile
you have the warmest voice - its like a warm blanket
since I last blogged Ive
driven to austin (200 miles - ish)
driven at 90
laughed with ma and baba on the phone over a dumb dirty joke
stayed up till 5 am reading an old journal I kept in school
turned down a offer to visit germany
chatted with my sis at 4am about her new jim morrison books
fought with someone i love and patched up again
given up on a part of me and left it behind
laughed at a old me
made and broke a age old resolution for the 56th time in my life ... gawd I need to quit soooooooooooooooooooo bad
driven at 90
laughed with ma and baba on the phone over a dumb dirty joke
stayed up till 5 am reading an old journal I kept in school
turned down a offer to visit germany
chatted with my sis at 4am about her new jim morrison books
fought with someone i love and patched up again
given up on a part of me and left it behind
laughed at a old me
made and broke a age old resolution for the 56th time in my life ... gawd I need to quit soooooooooooooooooooo bad
its a new year
season of introspection and retrospect
ive been actually off the blog for sometime
and virtually off it for way longer
what I mean, is that the blog
had become like one of those friends I care about and keep in touch with
but talk to in auto pilot mode
more for the sake of keeping in touch and making sure they are doing ok
than out of any desire for or any intention of self revelation
internal turmoils are kept locked in the upstairs bedroom during those times
like unpredicatable dogs when guests are at home
sometimes their barks and whines filter through, though muffled
and some guests see and recognise and are perhaps perturbed and uncomfortable
but I am helpless - I have lost the key ...
anyhow, I digress
I have been doing a lot of driving and a lot of thinking
that I can try to control and suppress my typical scorpio way of
"u r mine body mind and soul or I dont want anything at all"
but I have not yet accomplished the art of casual friendships
here again gone again - come here go away people
are best handled with care from a distance
i need to learn that it doesnt matter
u dont have to win everything u attempt
u can let somethings go
jinx once said that u must let people love u in their own way - it stayed with me
and I want to try and understand that too
i miss him so much. so fucking much
him and munal
I have learned that I may have thought that I have tamed and disciplined myself
to fit in and to be conventional and propah and subdued
but theres still a long way to go in achieving it
and moreover I dont even know if its so much worth it, anymore
it doesnt matter if 15 people think ur a bitch-past-compare if 2 know ur not
or better still that u are but it doesnt matter
i dont know what Im really saying - I got muddled up
but I want to understand myself a bit more
right now - I dont have a clue
another thing I realised
I dont have a single friend anymore ... not in that way ... not in the old way ... without buts without conditions -
just "this is who I am and fuck you if you cant undertand it" as the memorable (?) line from almost famous went
Im moving the blog back to where it originally used to be ... and with it I will try to move it back to the way it used to be and forget that anyone actually reads it :)
ive been actually off the blog for sometime
and virtually off it for way longer
what I mean, is that the blog
had become like one of those friends I care about and keep in touch with
but talk to in auto pilot mode
more for the sake of keeping in touch and making sure they are doing ok
than out of any desire for or any intention of self revelation
internal turmoils are kept locked in the upstairs bedroom during those times
like unpredicatable dogs when guests are at home
sometimes their barks and whines filter through, though muffled
and some guests see and recognise and are perhaps perturbed and uncomfortable
but I am helpless - I have lost the key ...
anyhow, I digress
I have been doing a lot of driving and a lot of thinking
that I can try to control and suppress my typical scorpio way of
"u r mine body mind and soul or I dont want anything at all"
but I have not yet accomplished the art of casual friendships
here again gone again - come here go away people
are best handled with care from a distance
i need to learn that it doesnt matter
u dont have to win everything u attempt
u can let somethings go
jinx once said that u must let people love u in their own way - it stayed with me
and I want to try and understand that too
i miss him so much. so fucking much
him and munal
I have learned that I may have thought that I have tamed and disciplined myself
to fit in and to be conventional and propah and subdued
but theres still a long way to go in achieving it
and moreover I dont even know if its so much worth it, anymore
it doesnt matter if 15 people think ur a bitch-past-compare if 2 know ur not
or better still that u are but it doesnt matter
i dont know what Im really saying - I got muddled up
but I want to understand myself a bit more
right now - I dont have a clue
another thing I realised
I dont have a single friend anymore ... not in that way ... not in the old way ... without buts without conditions -
just "this is who I am and fuck you if you cant undertand it" as the memorable (?) line from almost famous went
Im moving the blog back to where it originally used to be ... and with it I will try to move it back to the way it used to be and forget that anyone actually reads it :)
the perfect year
the perfect year
Bring out the old, bring in the new
A new years wish, to share with you
Before we play some dangerous game
Before we fan some harmless flame
We have to ask if this is wise
And if the game is worth the prize
Let's wait and see, it may just be the perfect year
It's New Year's Eve, and hope are high
Dance one year in, kiss one good-bye
Another chance, another start
So many dreams to tease the heart.
Bring out the old, bring in the new
A new years wish, to share with you
Before we play some dangerous game
Before we fan some harmless flame
We have to ask if this is wise
And if the game is worth the prize
Let's wait and see, it may just be the perfect year
It's New Year's Eve, and hope are high
Dance one year in, kiss one good-bye
Another chance, another start
So many dreams to tease the heart.
random rubbish from raving mind ;)
"million dreams, none realised
million friends, no one to talk to
3 cars and a mercedes, nothing to eat"
weird lines I know
just popped up in my head
spoke to my mom after a month yesterday
sometimes it all seems so artificial
every conversation, every relationship
nothing means anything - sab chalta hai
everything is like a filler
nothing is real if you really think about it
right now i dont think there is a single person in the whole world who knows whats going on
whom u can talk to - i mean really talk - not some pc - not some random noise
as a long lost ex friend used to say a backup lean-ee
people take everything u say at face value
but ofcourse - what else should they do
no perception ... a curse or a boon ...
is life like that? ur train makes an unscheduled halt
ur stuck in an unknown unexpected place for a day or two with no way out till the train moves again
u got a whole lot of people at the station and some who were on the train
some people outside the station - who live in that town
some other people passing through the station on other trains
you know you are stuck here for sometime
you have to pass that time somehow - anyhow - as well as you possibly hcan
some people set out to see as much as they can of the place
some business minded guy to chk out the shops and mkts
a beautiful babe chks out all the men and starts admirer collecting
ur stuck here for a bit - make the best u can of the time
that means something diff to everyone
but is that all it is ...
if not then what is it
how can you reach out and find an understanding of what
i want to know. i need to know
what does it all mean
can we not find out before its over?
million friends, no one to talk to
3 cars and a mercedes, nothing to eat"
weird lines I know
just popped up in my head
spoke to my mom after a month yesterday
sometimes it all seems so artificial
every conversation, every relationship
nothing means anything - sab chalta hai
everything is like a filler
nothing is real if you really think about it
right now i dont think there is a single person in the whole world who knows whats going on
whom u can talk to - i mean really talk - not some pc - not some random noise
as a long lost ex friend used to say a backup lean-ee
people take everything u say at face value
but ofcourse - what else should they do
no perception ... a curse or a boon ...
is life like that? ur train makes an unscheduled halt
ur stuck in an unknown unexpected place for a day or two with no way out till the train moves again
u got a whole lot of people at the station and some who were on the train
some people outside the station - who live in that town
some other people passing through the station on other trains
you know you are stuck here for sometime
you have to pass that time somehow - anyhow - as well as you possibly hcan
some people set out to see as much as they can of the place
some business minded guy to chk out the shops and mkts
a beautiful babe chks out all the men and starts admirer collecting
ur stuck here for a bit - make the best u can of the time
that means something diff to everyone
but is that all it is ...
if not then what is it
how can you reach out and find an understanding of what
i want to know. i need to know
what does it all mean
can we not find out before its over?
my weekend
its sunday night again
why does the weekend pass so swiftly
i havent called home for ages
i had a very happening weekend by my stds
cooked lunch for dada / kams / nirmal on saturday
puri chicken daal chawal
then in the evening went on "prero's night out" ... It was great
got a lot of good books from the library and saw a whole lot of movies
psycho, braveheart, english patient and gonna see chalte chalte!
and I went for two walks ... one late at night - at 9 - went for an hour and by the graveyard
it wasnt spooky at all .... it was very peaceful and serene and silent in the moonlight
and anothet in the morning ... watched a sunrise.
beautiful, red, molten and tender and graceful. a blushing sky and sweeping winds tinted with bird calls here and there
why does the weekend pass so swiftly
i havent called home for ages
i had a very happening weekend by my stds
cooked lunch for dada / kams / nirmal on saturday
puri chicken daal chawal
then in the evening went on "prero's night out" ... It was great
got a lot of good books from the library and saw a whole lot of movies
psycho, braveheart, english patient and gonna see chalte chalte!
and I went for two walks ... one late at night - at 9 - went for an hour and by the graveyard
it wasnt spooky at all .... it was very peaceful and serene and silent in the moonlight
and anothet in the morning ... watched a sunrise.
beautiful, red, molten and tender and graceful. a blushing sky and sweeping winds tinted with bird calls here and there
sure dont wanna go home
the title reminds me I've been of my usual diet supplement of queen for so long now.
been without so many songs I used to keep listening to. Suddenly once in a while I remember something and rush off to download it from somewhere!
its getting colder than ever here. i used to crib so much about the heat - but now, yeow its freezing!
work is crazy right now. get back late and just drop off to bed
check my mails dont reply
check the blog but dont post
im getting lazier than ever!
i drove after ages last night
im still nervous with the car!
im gonna watch remains of a day - think it will be good
i saw jhankar beats
my second hindi movie since feb 2003!
it was so exciting - even though the movie itself wasnt so great
but I liked the two friensd and their constant fooling around
"chance pein dance"
spoke to a very dear friend
after months and months
he maybe coming here soon
hope i wont be leaving before that
i hope i wont be leaving for a long time. man, I so dont want to go
but kya kare - sab khuda ki marzi hain
i was paranoid worrying about it all
but now Ive given up
jo hoga dekha jayega
waise - Ive "come to this conclusion" a million times already
but I always end up worrying about it again, eventually
we grow up, we mature, we see things, we learn, but human beings never grow out of human failings
its very hard to become someone else from who you are. however frustrated you are with yourself
ill always be absent minded, and careless in everything I do
Ill always "forget" to look before I cross
ill always get miserable with selfloathing when the accident happens!
I can neither be efficient and alert - nor bindaas and nonchalent about the repurcussions - bcz Im like this only! kya kare - control hi nahi hota ;)
but seriously ... Im more-or-less happy now
the eclipse has passed. there only one little eyewetter left. overwhelming at times but its like one of those things
like a colicky stomach ache or a bad tooth ache. unfixable. u can just close or eyes feel miserable and wait for it to pass. and its passing - its almost passing away now
Inspite of it all, or maybe because of it all ... Life is so Beautiful
remember when
Remember the feel
of lying on the grass
in the sun?
The warmth soaking
through to your bones
like butter on hot toast?
Remember the feel of gravelly sand
And waves laughing at your feet
and making the gravel soft sinky mud
Remember the feel of wind rushing in your face
when you stic your face
out of a car racing ahead
like the whole of the air is rushing into say hello to your face
Remember how the light from the fire plays across ur face
While we drown in eyepools
And u drag one finger across
merciless yet humble
and watch ...
in awe and power
victory and surrender
Sometimes we let our eyes Make love like that Just the love in our eyes
Sometimes we get tangeld up in arms and legs like that
Sometimes we smile deep inside like that warm with sweet secrets
Sometimes we make love like that ... like a long weary journeys end
of lying on the grass
in the sun?
The warmth soaking
through to your bones
like butter on hot toast?
Remember the feel of gravelly sand
And waves laughing at your feet
and making the gravel soft sinky mud
Remember the feel of wind rushing in your face
when you stic your face
out of a car racing ahead
like the whole of the air is rushing into say hello to your face
Remember how the light from the fire plays across ur face
While we drown in eyepools
And u drag one finger across
merciless yet humble
and watch ...
in awe and power
victory and surrender
Sometimes we let our eyes Make love like that Just the love in our eyes
Sometimes we get tangeld up in arms and legs like that
Sometimes we smile deep inside like that warm with sweet secrets
Sometimes we make love like that ... like a long weary journeys end
disclaimer - i know this post is gloomy and & indigo ... but sometimes its fun to be dark and melancholy ;)
When something flew with the wind and came and fell on ur lap, you tried to gently put it aside.
But it wouldn't go away. It wanted to stay and lay there smiling up into your eyes with the innocent faith
that you will never can never hurt them. that you never could. and its true. you cant. for to hurt them is like
throwing a boomerang in the air, it comes back and hits you in your heart. So you give up and you
hold it close.
As days pass a strange feeling is born & it grows. Your heart stretches so that the something,
so new and foreign just few days ago has now become a part of u. Like an arm, a leg or
a corner of your soul. There is love, but this is more than love. There is friendship, but
this is more than friendship. Its beyond sex, love, fixation, affection, admiration, respect
though it encompasses all this too.
It has no name. It's a feeling of identity or loss of identity, it's the feeling when u sometimes forget
that this is a separate person, apart from urself. it causes you to be more mean to this person than you
could ever be to anyone else at times. it causes you to be more gentle with this person than you could ever
imagine, at times. And sometimes just looking at this one sweetest face, this "another person outside of you", their slightest pain, sorrow, joy, it makes your heart twist and contract.
Why does this happen? this person, this "another person outside of you", has grown into a part of you.
So that they can never again go anywhere or do anything without affecting you too.
How would explain emotion physically? when I feel strong emotion, happiness, joy, sorrow, pain, fear ...
I have a physical feeling in my heart, in my stomach, around my eyes. A contraction, a soreness, a tenderness ...
How would you feel if one of your body parts where you feel things was outside you? If you could take of
your arm and give it to someone else, would you feel pain when it got cut or burnt? How would it feel to hurt
in a place you cant reach out to and touch or clutch at, because its removed from you ... far away?
And then time comes when that which came flying in the summer wind and landed on your lap one day, it gets
restless and starts to stir again. The season has rolled round to summer again. The wind one which it had flown
is back. and it wants to fly again. Like a little red feather fluttering in the wind, it can land in ur hand for a while
but you cant hold it there forever. You have to open your palms and let it go when the wind will call it again.
But you have let it grow into you. Or you have let yourself grow into it. But still you have to let it go ...
cut open your heart and let it fly out again. Your heart will bleed. Your eys will bleed. Your soul will cry & howl
like roaring winds in a wild desert night.
But if your heart was true & your love was real, you will let it go. You will smile and laugh and joke, so the journey of
your little feather is not made heavy with ur tears.
But sometimes when you are alone, you will find yourself staring vacantly into space. You will feel a emptyness like a
black still empty room. And suddenly you will break down and cry. You will scream and shout and cry out
into the empty room. Your whole body will shake and ur whole sould will tremble and quake with the fear.
The greatest fear of all ... how will I survive this. Someday, long after, when they are all gone and there is no one left
to see you gone weak. you will stand in the empty room, clutch the posts of the bed and wail into the silence.
much, much later. too late to sadden the little ones flight.
But it wouldn't go away. It wanted to stay and lay there smiling up into your eyes with the innocent faith
that you will never can never hurt them. that you never could. and its true. you cant. for to hurt them is like
throwing a boomerang in the air, it comes back and hits you in your heart. So you give up and you
hold it close.
As days pass a strange feeling is born & it grows. Your heart stretches so that the something,
so new and foreign just few days ago has now become a part of u. Like an arm, a leg or
a corner of your soul. There is love, but this is more than love. There is friendship, but
this is more than friendship. Its beyond sex, love, fixation, affection, admiration, respect
though it encompasses all this too.
It has no name. It's a feeling of identity or loss of identity, it's the feeling when u sometimes forget
that this is a separate person, apart from urself. it causes you to be more mean to this person than you
could ever be to anyone else at times. it causes you to be more gentle with this person than you could ever
imagine, at times. And sometimes just looking at this one sweetest face, this "another person outside of you", their slightest pain, sorrow, joy, it makes your heart twist and contract.
Why does this happen? this person, this "another person outside of you", has grown into a part of you.
So that they can never again go anywhere or do anything without affecting you too.
How would explain emotion physically? when I feel strong emotion, happiness, joy, sorrow, pain, fear ...
I have a physical feeling in my heart, in my stomach, around my eyes. A contraction, a soreness, a tenderness ...
How would you feel if one of your body parts where you feel things was outside you? If you could take of
your arm and give it to someone else, would you feel pain when it got cut or burnt? How would it feel to hurt
in a place you cant reach out to and touch or clutch at, because its removed from you ... far away?
And then time comes when that which came flying in the summer wind and landed on your lap one day, it gets
restless and starts to stir again. The season has rolled round to summer again. The wind one which it had flown
is back. and it wants to fly again. Like a little red feather fluttering in the wind, it can land in ur hand for a while
but you cant hold it there forever. You have to open your palms and let it go when the wind will call it again.
But you have let it grow into you. Or you have let yourself grow into it. But still you have to let it go ...
cut open your heart and let it fly out again. Your heart will bleed. Your eys will bleed. Your soul will cry & howl
like roaring winds in a wild desert night.
But if your heart was true & your love was real, you will let it go. You will smile and laugh and joke, so the journey of
your little feather is not made heavy with ur tears.
But sometimes when you are alone, you will find yourself staring vacantly into space. You will feel a emptyness like a
black still empty room. And suddenly you will break down and cry. You will scream and shout and cry out
into the empty room. Your whole body will shake and ur whole sould will tremble and quake with the fear.
The greatest fear of all ... how will I survive this. Someday, long after, when they are all gone and there is no one left
to see you gone weak. you will stand in the empty room, clutch the posts of the bed and wail into the silence.
much, much later. too late to sadden the little ones flight.
thanks giving
after weeks of planning and looking forward to and all that jazz - our lady starfest was finally here
i went to pick her up with vague fears of "what if its really awkward"
while me & kams waited we watched everyone female who got off the plane and wondered if it could be her!
but it was cool ... we started yapping from moment one with no silentfirstmoment at all!
the trip wasnt as eventful as could have been hoped for bcz I still cant drive to save my life
but we did get soaked up in the spirits quite a bit ;)
but it was wonderful wonderful to finally meet somone u have spoken to and communicated with and felt close to for so long without really knowing them in person! and after my long stint here with not many close friends around it was amazing to have another person in the house!
other than that thanksgiving was quaint and (ful)filling with a massive lunch at a friend/client's house
best part of which for me was that I got within petting distance of a dog after months!
i felt a little bad as star left - and the house seemed so quiet after I got back from the airport!
but almost immediately I hit the sack and was lost deep in sleep.
it was great meeting star! now I really hope I get to meet Di before I leave :)
i went to pick her up with vague fears of "what if its really awkward"
while me & kams waited we watched everyone female who got off the plane and wondered if it could be her!
but it was cool ... we started yapping from moment one with no silentfirstmoment at all!
the trip wasnt as eventful as could have been hoped for bcz I still cant drive to save my life
but we did get soaked up in the spirits quite a bit ;)
but it was wonderful wonderful to finally meet somone u have spoken to and communicated with and felt close to for so long without really knowing them in person! and after my long stint here with not many close friends around it was amazing to have another person in the house!
other than that thanksgiving was quaint and (ful)filling with a massive lunch at a friend/client's house
best part of which for me was that I got within petting distance of a dog after months!
i felt a little bad as star left - and the house seemed so quiet after I got back from the airport!
but almost immediately I hit the sack and was lost deep in sleep.
it was great meeting star! now I really hope I get to meet Di before I leave :)
yesterday
I looked ur way
with my heart in my eyes
my soul melted in a puddle at my feet
and wondered why
you dont love me
like the way you did before
anymore
and what could I do
to make your love grow
back
once more
cause Id do anything
anything at all
though I know
I deserve nothing
and how can I say to you
give it back to me
how could I even look in ur eyes
and smile
like the way I used to do
when you loved me
the way you used to
yesterday
could I but run back to that moment
once more
with my heart in my eyes
my soul melted in a puddle at my feet
and wondered why
you dont love me
like the way you did before
anymore
and what could I do
to make your love grow
back
once more
cause Id do anything
anything at all
though I know
I deserve nothing
and how can I say to you
give it back to me
how could I even look in ur eyes
and smile
like the way I used to do
when you loved me
the way you used to
yesterday
could I but run back to that moment
once more
its all happening
what a day
my house guest arrives tomorrow night
I need to cook and clean and a 1000 other things before she arrives
my house is dirtier than the proverbial pigsty!
and Im in one of my "living at work" phases
blimey! what luck!
onthe brighter side - the dll error is fixed
but the actual background operation is still not getting down
minor glitch for major heroes!
i gave up today - will take up battle again tomorrow ...
slept at 4 am last night! woke up to bach on the radio at 8 am ... half an hour late for work
so tonight Im taking no chances and I shall settle down with my book as indecently early as half 10 ;)
my house guest arrives tomorrow night
I need to cook and clean and a 1000 other things before she arrives
my house is dirtier than the proverbial pigsty!
and Im in one of my "living at work" phases
blimey! what luck!
onthe brighter side - the dll error is fixed
but the actual background operation is still not getting down
minor glitch for major heroes!
i gave up today - will take up battle again tomorrow ...
slept at 4 am last night! woke up to bach on the radio at 8 am ... half an hour late for work
so tonight Im taking no chances and I shall settle down with my book as indecently early as half 10 ;)
i set out for freedom
with a destination to aim for
i lost my way soon enough
down serendipitous roads
and found myself
in the jungle of your love
fire and ice
pleasure and penance
hardship and reward
father, child, god
i found everything in you
and now Im losing it all
all over again
what can I do
but smile through the pain
but its hard to be brave
and sometimes I still cry
time enough for tears
when ur finally gone
i must somehow keep smiling
while im still in your arms
hearts can love
but hearts cant hold
when the loved one grows restive
you've got to let him go
uve got to let go
but inside my heart
while u hold me strong
a wild cry shouts a storm
'dont go. dont leave me. else I shall die'
its all I can do to keep it mute
while I smile bright and say 'Ill love you'
my heart will stay
like mirror undisturbed
frozen, hidden, a reflection of your eyes
caught in the moment you passed me by
on your long and forward road
with a destination to aim for
i lost my way soon enough
down serendipitous roads
and found myself
in the jungle of your love
fire and ice
pleasure and penance
hardship and reward
father, child, god
i found everything in you
and now Im losing it all
all over again
what can I do
but smile through the pain
but its hard to be brave
and sometimes I still cry
time enough for tears
when ur finally gone
i must somehow keep smiling
while im still in your arms
hearts can love
but hearts cant hold
when the loved one grows restive
you've got to let him go
uve got to let go
but inside my heart
while u hold me strong
a wild cry shouts a storm
'dont go. dont leave me. else I shall die'
its all I can do to keep it mute
while I smile bright and say 'Ill love you'
my heart will stay
like mirror undisturbed
frozen, hidden, a reflection of your eyes
caught in the moment you passed me by
on your long and forward road
freezing
its so cold
its so so cold
i thought texas was supposed to be hot all the time!
oh god ... Im sorry for all the times I cribbed about the heat
im frozen upto my eyeballs :)
it was colder in the last place i was
but it was cold all the time so i was used to it
here it alternates between the two extremes
and totally unsettles me
u need to check the weather forecast before dressing up!
at work - Im going nuts with my calling a vc dll from vb trick
everything is nicely declared and set out still the idiot keeps saying 'cant find function' ... its so maddening!
its so so cold
i thought texas was supposed to be hot all the time!
oh god ... Im sorry for all the times I cribbed about the heat
im frozen upto my eyeballs :)
it was colder in the last place i was
but it was cold all the time so i was used to it
here it alternates between the two extremes
and totally unsettles me
u need to check the weather forecast before dressing up!
at work - Im going nuts with my calling a vc dll from vb trick
everything is nicely declared and set out still the idiot keeps saying 'cant find function' ... its so maddening!
tell me when
tell me Ill get over you?
one day, sooner or later
tell me my heart wont twist and writhe like this
one day, sooner or later
tell me Ill be like before
one day, sooner or later
tell me i wont freeze when theres a knock on the door
thinking it just might be you
tell me my heart wont jump when the phone rings
thinking it just might be you
tell me each day wont be a burden
to get through somehow. to be put behind
someday ahead i'll be able to think
of ur face without weeping pain
someday ahead i'll be able to tell someone
about you and all my love meant
someday ahead i'll be able to smile peacefully
in fond remembrance of a sweet time past
u just dont care, that must be it
they were all lies u told me
nothing else could explain it.
why did u tell me u loved me
one day, sooner or later
tell me my heart wont twist and writhe like this
one day, sooner or later
tell me Ill be like before
one day, sooner or later
tell me i wont freeze when theres a knock on the door
thinking it just might be you
tell me my heart wont jump when the phone rings
thinking it just might be you
tell me each day wont be a burden
to get through somehow. to be put behind
someday ahead i'll be able to think
of ur face without weeping pain
someday ahead i'll be able to tell someone
about you and all my love meant
someday ahead i'll be able to smile peacefully
in fond remembrance of a sweet time past
u just dont care, that must be it
they were all lies u told me
nothing else could explain it.
why did u tell me u loved me
its been a long time since I stayed up till 4 just like
there was a time when it was routine
i had forgotten how beautiful the world is just then
like the whole world is paused
and ur beautifully, alone ... it seemed like a such a pure feeling
i saw the city of angels
it moved me
cant say more
when i was a child i believed in something without knowing exactly what it was, without thinking, analysing
now Im thinking
for the last few weeks this has been on my mind
'why do we live'? whats the point? what for?
in the whole world
there are so many people living right now
different worlds
different lives
doing things, feeling things, wanting getting losing trying failing succeeding ... whats the point? what for?
i asked a lot of people and got different answers
asked myself and found just silence
i guess by the time i understand it it will be over
there was a time when it was routine
i had forgotten how beautiful the world is just then
like the whole world is paused
and ur beautifully, alone ... it seemed like a such a pure feeling
i saw the city of angels
it moved me
cant say more
when i was a child i believed in something without knowing exactly what it was, without thinking, analysing
now Im thinking
for the last few weeks this has been on my mind
'why do we live'? whats the point? what for?
in the whole world
there are so many people living right now
different worlds
different lives
doing things, feeling things, wanting getting losing trying failing succeeding ... whats the point? what for?
i asked a lot of people and got different answers
asked myself and found just silence
i guess by the time i understand it it will be over
fever dog
sitting in the dark
listening to fever dog and
at full blast
shopped after ages today
not that Im in money again
but what the heck ;)
it was a celebration
im all out of words!
how much soppy poetry can one person write
after years of wanting and waiting
i atlast got hold of "almost famous" & today"city of angels"
now what Im dying to see "high fidelity"
listening to fever dog and
at full blast
shopped after ages today
not that Im in money again
but what the heck ;)
it was a celebration
im all out of words!
how much soppy poetry can one person write
after years of wanting and waiting
i atlast got hold of "almost famous" & today"city of angels"
now what Im dying to see "high fidelity"
she was named for a beatles song ...
does our name have any connection with the kind of person we are? I wonder ...
she was named after a beatles song her parents liked
and strangely she reminds me of the song ... shes sweet and funny and light and serious and crazy all at the same time.
but above all the things, good and a whole lot of fun!
flitting between being "all grown up" and totally a kiddo!
when I first came to know her I liked talking to her because she totally reminded me of my sister
my sister is 10 years younger and inpite of all her "maturity" will always be a baby in my eyes
and we are so different yet so similar, and that it feels like looking at my reflection thrown back 10 years in time
she gave me a sense of having friends and not being "all alone"
when I was really low more isolated from people i care for than ever before
she was probably the first person ever I got friendly with online
and its strange that Im such good friends with someone Ive never even met!
but then life is strange ...
Happy Birthday Kiddo ... hope your special day is as wonderful as U :)
she was named after a beatles song her parents liked
and strangely she reminds me of the song ... shes sweet and funny and light and serious and crazy all at the same time.
but above all the things, good and a whole lot of fun!
flitting between being "all grown up" and totally a kiddo!
when I first came to know her I liked talking to her because she totally reminded me of my sister
my sister is 10 years younger and inpite of all her "maturity" will always be a baby in my eyes
and we are so different yet so similar, and that it feels like looking at my reflection thrown back 10 years in time
she gave me a sense of having friends and not being "all alone"
when I was really low more isolated from people i care for than ever before
she was probably the first person ever I got friendly with online
and its strange that Im such good friends with someone Ive never even met!
but then life is strange ...
Happy Birthday Kiddo ... hope your special day is as wonderful as U :)
What would you do if i flirted with you?
What would you do if didnt hold back
What would you do if I smiled at you like that
And if I didnt look away when our eyes clashed
What would u do if I stepped into ur eyes
And sank deep down into ur soul?
What would you do
If I wasnt kind with you
If I made ur head spin, like I know how ....
What would u do with me then?
What would you do if didnt hold back
What would you do if I smiled at you like that
And if I didnt look away when our eyes clashed
What would u do if I stepped into ur eyes
And sank deep down into ur soul?
What would you do
If I wasnt kind with you
If I made ur head spin, like I know how ....
What would u do with me then?
roaming feet and a gypsy heart
DISCLAIMER *** I talk like this. Its just a manner I have. I am NOT dying of grief. just dreaming up silly pomes in my empty hours bcz Im BORED! ***
ive got a restless feeling i cant shake off
it happens often when I know disaster is on its way ...
I have a wellcomeonandgetoverwith it feeling
atleast once its over u can start the dealing with it
maybe thats why they say the scorpio's true sign is the phoenix
i need to stop reading for a while. or thinking. or dreaming ... "yet must i think less wildly"
i need to do one of my rare and tiny waking up to the real world stunts :)
"its too late ive been standing here frozen in my path looking at you
its too late you've held me enraptued
caught in the fey hours between night and day
too long have i trembled in the circle of ur arms
and cried vapour tears because u held back
u say it over and over
in that final hour
but so many shades of love as there are
how do you love me, thats what i fear
but whatever the reason ur leaving soon
and perhaps its for the best
how lonmg could this have gone on
how long lie frozen , a torn petal in your palm
how long safe and trembling with fear
how long molten, a shadow behind the far recesses of your eyes
but to leave you would be like cutiing out my heart
thank god you're leaving me"
PM
ive got a restless feeling i cant shake off
it happens often when I know disaster is on its way ...
I have a wellcomeonandgetoverwith it feeling
atleast once its over u can start the dealing with it
maybe thats why they say the scorpio's true sign is the phoenix
i need to stop reading for a while. or thinking. or dreaming ... "yet must i think less wildly"
i need to do one of my rare and tiny waking up to the real world stunts :)
"its too late ive been standing here frozen in my path looking at you
its too late you've held me enraptued
caught in the fey hours between night and day
too long have i trembled in the circle of ur arms
and cried vapour tears because u held back
u say it over and over
in that final hour
but so many shades of love as there are
how do you love me, thats what i fear
but whatever the reason ur leaving soon
and perhaps its for the best
how lonmg could this have gone on
how long lie frozen , a torn petal in your palm
how long safe and trembling with fear
how long molten, a shadow behind the far recesses of your eyes
but to leave you would be like cutiing out my heart
thank god you're leaving me"
PM