it seems im destined to be late for every important birthday this year. yesterday i missed the birthday of one of my dearest blog-pals. she actually had to remind me it was her birthday! this is someone who in strange indescribable ways has been there for me ever since she's been there for me. someone i care about, trust, admire - funnily enough - if u can care about , trust, admire someone u barely know ... but then whats knowing anyway?
she writes so wonderful. she thinks in such beautiful ways. she is so cool, so comfortable - to be with & with herself, so caring, so fun ...
she always asks me if im eating properly. funny - that makes me feel kind of nice. she's almost like my virtual adopted mommy :)
on your birthday ...
u should celebrate the completion of another year of having given the world, ur world such a beautiful gift ... by being alive.
u should celebrate a new year where you joined the ranks of 'prero's favourite humans' - a very elite club
u should celebrate the completion of another year of living in india - one of the most interesting places to be
u should celebrate the completion of another year of being a woman
u should celebrate the completion of another year of being a daughter
u should celebrate the completion of another year of survival
u should celebrate the completion of another year of reading
u should celebrate the completion of another year of being a friend (and what a friend)
heres to you ... HAPPY BIRTHDAY sweetie.
Wimbledon .... AWESOME!
theres a strange light in the sky today
the moon glows like a blushing bride
theres a strange magic in the air today
wish u were by my side
i stood alone on the crowded road
and looked at the moon behind castle-rock
then a jealous cloud floated across
and hid her in a purple mist
i waited a while and then giving up,
was just about to walk on home
when she popped out again
as though smiling impishly
silly moon, it was way too soon
wouldve gladly waited eternity
pardon the corny poetry but the sky is so beautiful its quite gone to my head! im drunk on beautiful the world is.
life is beautiful. there is pain. like agony tearing out your stomach. there is failure, shame, anger, restless dissatisfaction, humger for something ... unknown unseen ... teasing, taunting, from a distance. but you never just quite know what it is ... BUT those are just fleeting, in the end. like the purple clouds. behind them, the great big expanse of life ... is dazzlingly beautiful, and its all mine. tonight ...
but its hard to be this way always. hard to forget. its hard to forgive. its hard to be as kind to yourself as you can be to anyone else. and unfortunately, no one else can ever do it for you.
on the lighter side, had a wonderful weekend. saw wimbeldon. brilliant. reminded me why i have always had a brit fixation. im looking fwd to bridget jones 2. i love all 3 of those people!
a shameful admission ... i always cry at movies :( whatever the movie is i just forget its a movie and i laugh and cry and for those few hours, i forget that i have my own individual seperate life outside. i lose myself. i love that.
the moon glows like a blushing bride
theres a strange magic in the air today
wish u were by my side
i stood alone on the crowded road
and looked at the moon behind castle-rock
then a jealous cloud floated across
and hid her in a purple mist
i waited a while and then giving up,
was just about to walk on home
when she popped out again
as though smiling impishly
silly moon, it was way too soon
wouldve gladly waited eternity
pardon the corny poetry but the sky is so beautiful its quite gone to my head! im drunk on beautiful the world is.
life is beautiful. there is pain. like agony tearing out your stomach. there is failure, shame, anger, restless dissatisfaction, humger for something ... unknown unseen ... teasing, taunting, from a distance. but you never just quite know what it is ... BUT those are just fleeting, in the end. like the purple clouds. behind them, the great big expanse of life ... is dazzlingly beautiful, and its all mine. tonight ...
but its hard to be this way always. hard to forget. its hard to forgive. its hard to be as kind to yourself as you can be to anyone else. and unfortunately, no one else can ever do it for you.
on the lighter side, had a wonderful weekend. saw wimbeldon. brilliant. reminded me why i have always had a brit fixation. im looking fwd to bridget jones 2. i love all 3 of those people!
a shameful admission ... i always cry at movies :( whatever the movie is i just forget its a movie and i laugh and cry and for those few hours, i forget that i have my own individual seperate life outside. i lose myself. i love that.
all set up
i have joined the library! so i feel normal and settled now. all i need is a cellphone :)
i have internet access here, so hopefully now i should be able to update my blog regularly, do the blogroll AND check my hotmail atleast once a week
its a beautiful cold saturday. i like the cold. its a welcome change specially now - cz things are really heating up at work!
today is lilacs birthday ... Happy Birthday Lilac
Also birthday of two dear friends - Brat and Asmita ... 24th and 25th. Dunno if I will be able to reach them but just in case u read this a very Happy Birthday to you!
There was a time when i couldnt imagine missing a close friends Birthday. but now i often do it. there was a time when i used to be so excited about birthdays ... my own or anyone elses ... but i guess as the years wear on ... they become less and less imp to all of us.
But on ur birthday 2 of u i wish i could have spoken to you. but i couldnt get near a phone. hope it was wonderful. hope the new year brings you EVERYTHING u may wish for and make you very very happy. Mita - wish u a little wisdom ... may you grow up atleast a little bit :) brat - happiness and may u not keep growing so "buddha" and serious. and lots of love and laughter
My own birthday is now just too months away. A horrible year is almost at its end. probably the nastiest of my life in some ways. surprisingly sweet in others. what will the next bring? old age!
I have made two mamoth decisions recently. both will change the world as i know it. feel a little scared. was strangely scared and thoughtful and a little sad yesterday. one of those days when u wish there was a friend near at hand. to sit quietly with, sharing silence and comfort. dunno what i was scared of though. i get those moods onec in a while. the world seems so big. life seems so long. and i, tiny and alone. but after all the rain last night the skies are clear and sunny today. and im as illogically happy as i was illogically sad.
This morning I heard an old favourite song blaring in a cafe as i walked down the road. joni mitchell ...
Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.
Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.
on days like this i wanna stay at home and watch "love actually" or "four weddings and funeral" "hi fidelity" or "when harry met sally". and laugh and cry and be happy and sentimental all day long
i have internet access here, so hopefully now i should be able to update my blog regularly, do the blogroll AND check my hotmail atleast once a week
its a beautiful cold saturday. i like the cold. its a welcome change specially now - cz things are really heating up at work!
today is lilacs birthday ... Happy Birthday Lilac
Also birthday of two dear friends - Brat and Asmita ... 24th and 25th. Dunno if I will be able to reach them but just in case u read this a very Happy Birthday to you!
There was a time when i couldnt imagine missing a close friends Birthday. but now i often do it. there was a time when i used to be so excited about birthdays ... my own or anyone elses ... but i guess as the years wear on ... they become less and less imp to all of us.
But on ur birthday 2 of u i wish i could have spoken to you. but i couldnt get near a phone. hope it was wonderful. hope the new year brings you EVERYTHING u may wish for and make you very very happy. Mita - wish u a little wisdom ... may you grow up atleast a little bit :) brat - happiness and may u not keep growing so "buddha" and serious. and lots of love and laughter
My own birthday is now just too months away. A horrible year is almost at its end. probably the nastiest of my life in some ways. surprisingly sweet in others. what will the next bring? old age!
I have made two mamoth decisions recently. both will change the world as i know it. feel a little scared. was strangely scared and thoughtful and a little sad yesterday. one of those days when u wish there was a friend near at hand. to sit quietly with, sharing silence and comfort. dunno what i was scared of though. i get those moods onec in a while. the world seems so big. life seems so long. and i, tiny and alone. but after all the rain last night the skies are clear and sunny today. and im as illogically happy as i was illogically sad.
This morning I heard an old favourite song blaring in a cafe as i walked down the road. joni mitchell ...
Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.
Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all.
on days like this i wanna stay at home and watch "love actually" or "four weddings and funeral" "hi fidelity" or "when harry met sally". and laugh and cry and be happy and sentimental all day long
growing old
all my life she has been there for me. now she is leaning on me. its a paradigm shift so huge that i cant get oer it. can i do it? can i be there for her? have to. no other way. she wont even tell anyone else. not even her daughter
i ate fish. on my own. feels strange. no one took it out for me. i just ate the whole thing. im growing up ;)
i ate fish. on my own. feels strange. no one took it out for me. i just ate the whole thing. im growing up ;)
missed the bus
i was waiting for a particular bus
i thought i had missed it
so i got up on another bus ...
but it was going in an entirely different direction
as soon as i reaised, i got off
as i got off i saw my bus
pass the bus stop ...
so i did miss my bus after all ...
i could do two things ... walk all the way home
saying, i missed my - bus so i wont take another
or i could take a bus that would take me part of the way
so is half a ride better than none?
if u go to a shop and they are out of stock of what u want
do u buy whatever they have? or do u say ok and come back home?
i thought i had missed it
so i got up on another bus ...
but it was going in an entirely different direction
as soon as i reaised, i got off
as i got off i saw my bus
pass the bus stop ...
so i did miss my bus after all ...
i could do two things ... walk all the way home
saying, i missed my - bus so i wont take another
or i could take a bus that would take me part of the way
so is half a ride better than none?
if u go to a shop and they are out of stock of what u want
do u buy whatever they have? or do u say ok and come back home?
starry starry night
every night, as i walk back home i pass the palace, to my right. it stands with its glowing light, rising out of the surrounding gardens and parks which are immersed in darkness. i am almost shivering. its cold. the wind is sharp like 14 knives slashing through, chilling its way deep down inside me. my face feels stretched, weird, funny. the roads are almost deserted. i sing to myself as i walk on the cobbled streets. just before i reach home, i glance up. the sky is a picture of clear, deep, cerullean. its full of stars. i had forgotten there were so many stars. and they look like someone spilled a box of sparkles all over blue velvet carpet. i feel like calling the next person i see on the road and sharing the thought. its hard to enjoy so much beauty alone. but theres no one on the streets. so i walk on home. and i sing to myself, its a beautiful world.
if wishes were horses ...
Something in the way she moves
Attracts me like no other lover
Something in the way she woos me
I don’t want to leave her now
You know I believe her now
Somewhere in her smile she knows
That I don’t need no other lover
Something in her style that shows me
Don’t want to leave her now
You know I believe her now
You’re asking me will my love grow
I don’t know, I don’t know
You stick around now it may show
I don’t know, I don’t know
Something in the way she knows
And all I have to do is think of her
Something in the things she shows me
im feeling blue
im no good - good for nothing
eevryones good for something ...
im feeling down
i got no body
everyones got somebody
then i remembered. You can have everything or anything u want in life. but u gotto pay for it. and u gotto know. just what u want. then its urs. be careful what u wish for. ur wishes might come true. Last night I lay awake wishing ...
I wish I was a good-decent person
I wish I wasgoing out with / married to / or otherise setup "with" "THE PERFECT MAN" (as per List A or revised List B)
I wish I was drop-dead-gorgeous (or maybe just plain not-fat-black-ugly as sin)
i wish i wasnt hurt as easily as I am - or atleast that I did not cry as easily and in PUBLIC and specially while out walking alone on the streets AND SPECIALLY for reasons which are SO SILLY that they make ME laugh later ...
I wish I didnt have such INTENSE likes and dislikes in people (or anything, for that matter) or that I didnt care so much for everyone I liked
I wish I didnt ever ver feel scared bcz there were lots of new people in the room
I wish I was awfully good at something. Or even tolerably good would do
had brains
was thing
had tapeworms (so that I could eat and still be thin )
Could speak French / Urdu / German and one arabic language
I wish I had four kids
I wish I had a black BMW
I wish I had a dalmation, a great dane, a cocker spaniel and a german shephard
A slab of chocolate, a coffee and a uknowwhat to consume at any given time
rainy weekend
i feel like ive been walking ever since i came to edinburgh ... beautiful cold cold day. shopped walked and now chilling at friends place and getting mass ragged - as usual :)
its a beautiful life!
:)
its a beautiful life!
:)
now ....
its done. but i dont know if i did the right thing. i really have no clue. guess thats the thing about life ... you cant sit on the fence forever. you have to jump -one way or the other. You'll never know till u hit the floor, or not, or hit something nasty all together - whether u jumped the right way or wrong
what if it was all a huge mistake? wish i had someone to talk to. someone with any sense at all. someone who would understand. i guess i mean, jinx or munal or rahul or rahul or chatts or ad ... or a fellow lean-ee. but they're all so far away ... and no one else will do.
why are we all so scared of loneliness? why are we so scared of making wrong decisions. of making mistakes. or why am I so scared. "it all turns out same in the end", doesnt it? "it all balances out" :) thats what I say to everyone else.
im confused. im puzzled. i have no clue what will happen now. but im also hopeful. maybe it will something nice ... :)
the night is long
but it ends, in the end
the night is dark,
but stars still shine
and once in a while the moons alight
and its all right, in the end
what if it was all a huge mistake? wish i had someone to talk to. someone with any sense at all. someone who would understand. i guess i mean, jinx or munal or rahul or rahul or chatts or ad ... or a fellow lean-ee. but they're all so far away ... and no one else will do.
why are we all so scared of loneliness? why are we so scared of making wrong decisions. of making mistakes. or why am I so scared. "it all turns out same in the end", doesnt it? "it all balances out" :) thats what I say to everyone else.
im confused. im puzzled. i have no clue what will happen now. but im also hopeful. maybe it will something nice ... :)
the night is long
but it ends, in the end
the night is dark,
but stars still shine
and once in a while the moons alight
and its all right, in the end
of men and marraiges
questions on my mind right now:
is it better to be "better" and lonely
than messed up and together?
is it better to keep waiting for the fairytale
or is half a romance better than none
can anyone be happy with anyone at all
provided they work at it hard enough - or do u need synchronised matches
if someone really truly loves you and u still feel unsatisfied
and this goes on and on for two long yrs is there something wrong with you or the reln
wish life came with a lookup dictionary!
CAUTION: THIS WONT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE BUT ME. Theres one and only one cause for all my miseries ... I have no f clue what i want in life :)
But now i guess i can safely do what i want? Or not. Is this what i want or is it what i feel like having right now. If i walk - it will be too late to come back later ... What?
If u were in a relationship for ever-so-long, but u always still feel single - is there something wrong with u, or the relnship? How much and how long can u try to fix a reln, to make it work? Or just make love, out of nothing at all
is it better to be "better" and lonely
than messed up and together?
is it better to keep waiting for the fairytale
or is half a romance better than none
can anyone be happy with anyone at all
provided they work at it hard enough - or do u need synchronised matches
if someone really truly loves you and u still feel unsatisfied
and this goes on and on for two long yrs is there something wrong with you or the reln
wish life came with a lookup dictionary!
CAUTION: THIS WONT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE BUT ME. Theres one and only one cause for all my miseries ... I have no f clue what i want in life :)
But now i guess i can safely do what i want? Or not. Is this what i want or is it what i feel like having right now. If i walk - it will be too late to come back later ... What?
If u were in a relationship for ever-so-long, but u always still feel single - is there something wrong with u, or the relnship? How much and how long can u try to fix a reln, to make it work? Or just make love, out of nothing at all
wonderful weekend
i had a great weekend. shopped for the house and also got some books cheap at bargain books and i saw a movie - terminal - tom hanks. it was great. lots of work. will write more later
of houses and homes
i found a house. its in a place called silver mills. its incredibly pretty.
but i dont like it. its too 'done up' and its too pre-done and its too new.
what i love is the old vis mansions but they're too expensive :(
im tired of gypsy feet. im looking forward to finding a home someday. something just a bit more permanent. something to come back to, however far you may roam. something mesy. something noisy. that smells like something nice is cooking. that looks like a lot of people live here and have lots of fun. that u share with people u love. so it comes round to that in the end. its the people who live in a house, that make it a home. so what im looking forward too, i guess are the people who feel like home.
adit, chatts, barb, sauce, juls ... everyones settled down. im the last man standing. sometimes i think its like some people just have an aptitude for happiness, they are always happy no matter what. and vice versa. similarly some people just have an aptitude for love. And I dont. Im great at friendship but Im just lousy at love ... I just cant handle it, This Crazy little thing called love.
i know its a lie
i know its a game
i know we're not lovers, you and i
i know it wont last long,
but before it has gone
it hurts, it burns, its lost in dreams, its Wrong!
I know the its mad
I know its silly
I know its nothing really, except all thats bad
But while its here,
While Im lost in these deep dark backlanes of my soul
While there is a dream and a memory
Of losing myself in your eyes so sweet
While I still think of you last thing at night
Wake up to a prayer of meeting you soon
While I still cry, when you are cold
And while I still sing whenever you smile
While my heart crashes whenever you come a little closer
And stops when you wander too far ...
But while its still here,
Its overwhelming me, dear
But I know its nothing,
just a little crush
but i dont like it. its too 'done up' and its too pre-done and its too new.
what i love is the old vis mansions but they're too expensive :(
im tired of gypsy feet. im looking forward to finding a home someday. something just a bit more permanent. something to come back to, however far you may roam. something mesy. something noisy. that smells like something nice is cooking. that looks like a lot of people live here and have lots of fun. that u share with people u love. so it comes round to that in the end. its the people who live in a house, that make it a home. so what im looking forward too, i guess are the people who feel like home.
adit, chatts, barb, sauce, juls ... everyones settled down. im the last man standing. sometimes i think its like some people just have an aptitude for happiness, they are always happy no matter what. and vice versa. similarly some people just have an aptitude for love. And I dont. Im great at friendship but Im just lousy at love ... I just cant handle it, This Crazy little thing called love.
i know its a lie
i know its a game
i know we're not lovers, you and i
i know it wont last long,
but before it has gone
it hurts, it burns, its lost in dreams, its Wrong!
I know the its mad
I know its silly
I know its nothing really, except all thats bad
But while its here,
While Im lost in these deep dark backlanes of my soul
While there is a dream and a memory
Of losing myself in your eyes so sweet
While I still think of you last thing at night
Wake up to a prayer of meeting you soon
While I still cry, when you are cold
And while I still sing whenever you smile
While my heart crashes whenever you come a little closer
And stops when you wander too far ...
But while its still here,
Its overwhelming me, dear
But I know its nothing,
just a little crush
immortality
I came across this poem in immortality and fell in love with it ...
Theres a movie on this guy by leo dicaprio - Total Eclipse (1995)
Sensations..by Arthur Rimbaud
In the blue summer evenings, I will go along the paths,
And walk over the short grass, as I am pricked by the wheat:
Daydreaming, I will feel the coolness on my feet.
I will let the wind bathe my bare head.
I will not speak, I will have no thoughts:
But infinite love will mount in my soul;
And I will go far, far off, like a gypsy,
Through the country side - joyous as if I were with a woman.
i like this books so much. thank you rahul. and more so bcz it was given to me by my puppies - well rahul, actually, but i cant think of them except in the plural. i miss them like ... something u miss so much u darent think about it ... my little puppies. my sunshine. the little angels baby toddler lovers :)
and some more verse ...
this moment will pass.
this place, left behind.
nor you, nor me, will stand here again.
but this instant will be remain,
floating in time,
when i fleetingly looked into your eyes.
there are no invisible silver threads between our souls
nothing between us, nor was, nor will be
you're more a stranger than a stranger on the street
but just for an instant, there was something i wasnt sure of
a question, The answer, the look in ur eyes
just one instant, which had some kind of immortality
Theres a movie on this guy by leo dicaprio - Total Eclipse (1995)
Sensations..by Arthur Rimbaud
In the blue summer evenings, I will go along the paths,
And walk over the short grass, as I am pricked by the wheat:
Daydreaming, I will feel the coolness on my feet.
I will let the wind bathe my bare head.
I will not speak, I will have no thoughts:
But infinite love will mount in my soul;
And I will go far, far off, like a gypsy,
Through the country side - joyous as if I were with a woman.
i like this books so much. thank you rahul. and more so bcz it was given to me by my puppies - well rahul, actually, but i cant think of them except in the plural. i miss them like ... something u miss so much u darent think about it ... my little puppies. my sunshine. the little angels baby toddler lovers :)
and some more verse ...
this moment will pass.
this place, left behind.
nor you, nor me, will stand here again.
but this instant will be remain,
floating in time,
when i fleetingly looked into your eyes.
there are no invisible silver threads between our souls
nothing between us, nor was, nor will be
you're more a stranger than a stranger on the street
but just for an instant, there was something i wasnt sure of
a question, The answer, the look in ur eyes
just one instant, which had some kind of immortality
how long will this last
i think there are some things you cant let go off once they get into ur head ...
like guilt: how could i have said that. how could i have hurt her like tha, how did i ever do that ... that was ME!!??!!
like regret: i wish i hadnt made this decision. i cant believe i actually thought it would work out this way. i wish id studied a BIT. if id only not pissed him off like that. why did i buy that stupid thing. how could i forget my cookbook!
like greed hunger need ... i need a coffee RIGHT now, bcz i want like a coffee RIGHT now, , bcz i feel like a coffee RIGHT now
like desire: how would it feel to hug a certain somebody
we go from desire to want to need to right ... so easily. before we know it we have convinced ourselves we are wretched, miserable, deprived souls. its so hard to remember., life doesnt really owe us anything at all, does it? life is meant to be hard. life is meant tobe a battle.
i remembered this today bcz i sang it in my faourite hym when i woke up ... 'not for ever, by still waters, would we idly rest and stay. but would smite the living fountains from the rocks along our way. father hear the prayer we offer, not for ease the prayer shal be. but for strength that we may ever, live our lives courageously'
imagine the irony of someone who has long prayed for trials ... on his knees, broken, trying to wash away the marks of failure with his tears ;0)
its one of those phases when im ridiculously happy. i walk around with a silly grin on my face. its crazy - bcz i have every reason to be miserable! im broke. im not getting ANYWHERE at work, im back in the same emotional messi was in a few months agao ... can someone pls explain it to me .... why am i so happy? this scares me. bcz it almost always brings the HUGE fall up ahead. will i screw up tomorrow?
ur eyes are a window to ur soul
why do u look at me like that?
my eyes are windows to my sould
i cant look into my eyes
i need to know whats on my mind
whats making me cry and laught, in turns, all the while
i need to know, why suddenly
i feel so defeated, so lost, and broken
i need to find a friend
i could never stand alone
i need to care, i need someone, always
to love, to care for, wherever i am
like guilt: how could i have said that. how could i have hurt her like tha, how did i ever do that ... that was ME!!??!!
like regret: i wish i hadnt made this decision. i cant believe i actually thought it would work out this way. i wish id studied a BIT. if id only not pissed him off like that. why did i buy that stupid thing. how could i forget my cookbook!
like greed hunger need ... i need a coffee RIGHT now, bcz i want like a coffee RIGHT now, , bcz i feel like a coffee RIGHT now
like desire: how would it feel to hug a certain somebody
we go from desire to want to need to right ... so easily. before we know it we have convinced ourselves we are wretched, miserable, deprived souls. its so hard to remember., life doesnt really owe us anything at all, does it? life is meant to be hard. life is meant tobe a battle.
i remembered this today bcz i sang it in my faourite hym when i woke up ... 'not for ever, by still waters, would we idly rest and stay. but would smite the living fountains from the rocks along our way. father hear the prayer we offer, not for ease the prayer shal be. but for strength that we may ever, live our lives courageously'
imagine the irony of someone who has long prayed for trials ... on his knees, broken, trying to wash away the marks of failure with his tears ;0)
its one of those phases when im ridiculously happy. i walk around with a silly grin on my face. its crazy - bcz i have every reason to be miserable! im broke. im not getting ANYWHERE at work, im back in the same emotional messi was in a few months agao ... can someone pls explain it to me .... why am i so happy? this scares me. bcz it almost always brings the HUGE fall up ahead. will i screw up tomorrow?
ur eyes are a window to ur soul
why do u look at me like that?
my eyes are windows to my sould
i cant look into my eyes
i need to know whats on my mind
whats making me cry and laught, in turns, all the while
i need to know, why suddenly
i feel so defeated, so lost, and broken
i need to find a friend
i could never stand alone
i need to care, i need someone, always
to love, to care for, wherever i am
reached edinburgh
no time for a long post cz im in a net shop
and im near broke
looking for a place
the city is pretty / old / cool-ish
and i can see why ma found it boring ;)
the place im staying now is a b&b in the centre of town
desperately looking for a place to stay nearabouts
i like being in city centres :)
lots of work. first deadline this monday! and its all so new to me - hope i can cope
will write again as soon as im a bit settled!
every where is different,
everywhere's the same
people are still people
places are still places
lovers still kiss
children still make ur heart ache
flowers bloom
the sun still teases
the hearts still hungry
the mind doesnt know what for
the feet are still restless
one day ill find a place called home
and im near broke
looking for a place
the city is pretty / old / cool-ish
and i can see why ma found it boring ;)
the place im staying now is a b&b in the centre of town
desperately looking for a place to stay nearabouts
i like being in city centres :)
lots of work. first deadline this monday! and its all so new to me - hope i can cope
will write again as soon as im a bit settled!
every where is different,
everywhere's the same
people are still people
places are still places
lovers still kiss
children still make ur heart ache
flowers bloom
the sun still teases
the hearts still hungry
the mind doesnt know what for
the feet are still restless
one day ill find a place called home
once more upon the waters
leaving for edinburgh, scotland for a year and a half. leaving on saturday 28th aug most probably. where i work, "u never know till you go" :)
dont know what tomorrow holds. its totally a leap into the unknown. feeling a bit weird about leaving home again. dont wanna go. yet theres nothing nice to do here work wise. and thats really frustrating.
looking back, workwise the assignment in the US was probably the nicest i have ever had. it was a perfect fit. ofcourse, it didnt feel that way at that time :)
i dont know how this will turn out. i am a bit scared. im not really known for my fantastic performance at work. but this is something new and i hope i can atleast, give it my best. the boss is the second best in the company ... the best being my boss in bristol. or so i think now - ask me again after ive been there a while ;)
right now i barely have breathing time. and im down with a flu on top of it. dunno when im leaving as we havent got tickets yet. dunno if im making one HUGE mistake, having heard everything about the scene there. but why do people always tell u these things too late :)
once again, im on my own. i dont know a soul where im going. but then, thats the good part of it, maybe ;)
dont know what tomorrow holds. its totally a leap into the unknown. feeling a bit weird about leaving home again. dont wanna go. yet theres nothing nice to do here work wise. and thats really frustrating.
looking back, workwise the assignment in the US was probably the nicest i have ever had. it was a perfect fit. ofcourse, it didnt feel that way at that time :)
i dont know how this will turn out. i am a bit scared. im not really known for my fantastic performance at work. but this is something new and i hope i can atleast, give it my best. the boss is the second best in the company ... the best being my boss in bristol. or so i think now - ask me again after ive been there a while ;)
right now i barely have breathing time. and im down with a flu on top of it. dunno when im leaving as we havent got tickets yet. dunno if im making one HUGE mistake, having heard everything about the scene there. but why do people always tell u these things too late :)
once again, im on my own. i dont know a soul where im going. but then, thats the good part of it, maybe ;)
i could write the saddest poem tonight ...
why do we get attached when we shouldnt. why do we get personal about things that arent personal. that dont belong to us. its just a job. thats what everyone says. and thats the way it should be.
one thing i have realised is that in most places how happy u are or how well or badly you do has nothing whatsoever to do with how good or bad you are at your work
i never thought i will end up in a corporate scene. id always wanted to be in academics. but i didnt make it. and now im stuck here. and i hate it. and i love it. and i hate it ... whats the difference anyway :)
one thing i have realised is that in most places how happy u are or how well or badly you do has nothing whatsoever to do with how good or bad you are at your work
i never thought i will end up in a corporate scene. id always wanted to be in academics. but i didnt make it. and now im stuck here. and i hate it. and i love it. and i hate it ... whats the difference anyway :)
here i come again
im back home again
it was a nice trip
no net access so cant wrote much
but i met austere, jo, jill and i couldnt meet rich :(
it was wonderful!
whereever i go drama and these horrible intense 'situations'
follow me. and i dont know whether to laugh or cry
its my world, my people, my friends and family - who are like this
the people i meet from outside are so sane. but i guess part of me loves it like that. must be.
i met belzeebub. he looks like a twelve year old! but we had fun. olypub and blue fox. beef steaks and beer. and adda. good times :)
i met chatts
dont know how long its been
i feel ... dunno
i cried all night when sauce was getting married
felt weird. and now this.
ill be on my own. totally
but ads still there.
whatever
i met him yesterday. he comes when i call
in my hour of weirdest need
turned out my fears were false.
but still im scared
have too much faith in my bad luck and my misfortunes
i dont want it this way. please please please no
dont feel like going anywhere
last night was heaven.
felt like we were on the phone all night long
but i checked the timer - ever practical me
and it was only 40 mins
i meant what i said
wanted to say more, why's and hows and when's
but theres never words, is there?
its been so long. we've been friends
i owe so much. to all of you. all my friends. you keep me alive.
wanna see brat. very much. been bugging him to come over
lets see what happens
might meet rahul soon ... dunno though if ill still be here
life is so beautiful as summer gets going!
it is still summer. issnt it? or are we in autumn already ;)
it was a nice trip
no net access so cant wrote much
but i met austere, jo, jill and i couldnt meet rich :(
it was wonderful!
whereever i go drama and these horrible intense 'situations'
follow me. and i dont know whether to laugh or cry
its my world, my people, my friends and family - who are like this
the people i meet from outside are so sane. but i guess part of me loves it like that. must be.
i met belzeebub. he looks like a twelve year old! but we had fun. olypub and blue fox. beef steaks and beer. and adda. good times :)
i met chatts
dont know how long its been
i feel ... dunno
i cried all night when sauce was getting married
felt weird. and now this.
ill be on my own. totally
but ads still there.
whatever
i met him yesterday. he comes when i call
in my hour of weirdest need
turned out my fears were false.
but still im scared
have too much faith in my bad luck and my misfortunes
i dont want it this way. please please please no
dont feel like going anywhere
last night was heaven.
felt like we were on the phone all night long
but i checked the timer - ever practical me
and it was only 40 mins
i meant what i said
wanted to say more, why's and hows and when's
but theres never words, is there?
its been so long. we've been friends
i owe so much. to all of you. all my friends. you keep me alive.
wanna see brat. very much. been bugging him to come over
lets see what happens
might meet rahul soon ... dunno though if ill still be here
life is so beautiful as summer gets going!
it is still summer. issnt it? or are we in autumn already ;)
on my way back home
bombay has been wonderful. but im so glad im flying back tomorrow!
i met jonaki & her friends, rajesh and his friends, chatts & chris, jill, austere, dipti di and her family
couldnt meet malo, mintoo, jo, rich, fgs :(
made a new friend. and spoke to someone very very very special after a longf time. on the phone. all the way in the us
now im all excited. im going home. gonna see kiddo & teddy. man! im so kicked - ill burst! lol. its probably gonna be not half as 'wonderful' as im thinking it would be? i have a funny thing with people - i cant be 'semi' pally. most of my pals - either i totally love you - or u could die and i wouldnt care (though chances are - these days - it wont show on my face). there are very few people who are in the neutral zone. yeah - i guess its a scorp thing.
is it really you
ur a stranger
i keep saying ur the same
but u sound like someone else
i went back there
the roads we walked
the place i tried the splendour the first time
where i laughed, where u cried
where we drove around all night,
u showing me
everyplace u ever lived
so strange
ur a stranger now
i cant even think about it
i cant even dream about it
but i cant forget. cant ever forget
it was such a big mistake
but now the years have gone.
and now the times have changed
we live different lives
we are different people
lost somewhere, sometime
who we were then
still holding on
desperately
trying to stay friends
always. with everyone. its the same.
yesterday fights today fights tomorrow
as you try to grow
i met jonaki & her friends, rajesh and his friends, chatts & chris, jill, austere, dipti di and her family
couldnt meet malo, mintoo, jo, rich, fgs :(
made a new friend. and spoke to someone very very very special after a longf time. on the phone. all the way in the us
now im all excited. im going home. gonna see kiddo & teddy. man! im so kicked - ill burst! lol. its probably gonna be not half as 'wonderful' as im thinking it would be? i have a funny thing with people - i cant be 'semi' pally. most of my pals - either i totally love you - or u could die and i wouldnt care (though chances are - these days - it wont show on my face). there are very few people who are in the neutral zone. yeah - i guess its a scorp thing.
is it really you
ur a stranger
i keep saying ur the same
but u sound like someone else
i went back there
the roads we walked
the place i tried the splendour the first time
where i laughed, where u cried
where we drove around all night,
u showing me
everyplace u ever lived
so strange
ur a stranger now
i cant even think about it
i cant even dream about it
but i cant forget. cant ever forget
it was such a big mistake
but now the years have gone.
and now the times have changed
we live different lives
we are different people
lost somewhere, sometime
who we were then
still holding on
desperately
trying to stay friends
always. with everyone. its the same.
yesterday fights today fights tomorrow
as you try to grow
bombay calling
its seems like forever since i left calcutta. my calcutta. beautiful, intense, shining & so totally mine ...
its been a whirlwind here. so much to do workwise. and so many people to meet. met some old friends. and made some new friends. and i spoke to a very very very old friend. he is in the US. and im back here. dunno. life is weird.
spoke to mira, rich, jo ... but havent been able to meet up with them yet. ditto for mals. ditto for tamanna. ditto for chatts. wanna meet these people before i leave. but theres so little time.
then i should meet my family friends in vt. really want to. and my moms friends in bandra
wanted to revisit some old ghost haunted memories. but i wont have time. browsing tattered books at fountain. lazing at leopolds. sita phal ice cream. the club. the rooms at the oberoi. the cute little pool at leela. (lifes tough without daddy ;)sitting on the rocks on the beach. the bakery. fashion street ...
well, theres always a next time
its been a whirlwind here. so much to do workwise. and so many people to meet. met some old friends. and made some new friends. and i spoke to a very very very old friend. he is in the US. and im back here. dunno. life is weird.
spoke to mira, rich, jo ... but havent been able to meet up with them yet. ditto for mals. ditto for tamanna. ditto for chatts. wanna meet these people before i leave. but theres so little time.
then i should meet my family friends in vt. really want to. and my moms friends in bandra
wanted to revisit some old ghost haunted memories. but i wont have time. browsing tattered books at fountain. lazing at leopolds. sita phal ice cream. the club. the rooms at the oberoi. the cute little pool at leela. (lifes tough without daddy ;)sitting on the rocks on the beach. the bakery. fashion street ...
well, theres always a next time
the way we were
wouldnt it be nice if we could really live in the present. i know some of us manage pretty well, but a few are not so good or consistent with this skill
when i look back on my life till now, i see every colour, every shade in my memories. orange for fun & frolic, pink for love & laughter; red for anger & amor; grey for tears & trials; blue for the blues, purple for the strange lost days, black sins and pain; white for wisdom and peace. but given a choice, i wouldnt live one single day differently. 'got say it now - its been a good life all in all'
but the point here is that i look back. each moment i know, though i am, here and now, making memories i will look back on with fond longing some far away tomorrow, yet i spend a part of it looking over my shoulder at some long left behind yesterday.
through it all theres one thing i have realised. you never miss a place, time, person. i have gone back to all of them and found strangers where i had left bits and pieces of my heart. what we do miss is the way we were ... there,then, with them
we are different all the time. with different people, in different places, at different times. and we scatter our souls in the winds of our lives, spreading it everywhere we have touched, leaving bits and pieces of our selves every where we go.
wouldnt it be nice if we could collect all of us in space & time and be whole for that moment, that place.
a few more snaps at
i couldnt write in words how its raining. its like magic. the water. the light. the city. wish i could stay home and watch the 'way we were' ... or anything, for that matter
when i look back on my life till now, i see every colour, every shade in my memories. orange for fun & frolic, pink for love & laughter; red for anger & amor; grey for tears & trials; blue for the blues, purple for the strange lost days, black sins and pain; white for wisdom and peace. but given a choice, i wouldnt live one single day differently. 'got say it now - its been a good life all in all'
but the point here is that i look back. each moment i know, though i am, here and now, making memories i will look back on with fond longing some far away tomorrow, yet i spend a part of it looking over my shoulder at some long left behind yesterday.
through it all theres one thing i have realised. you never miss a place, time, person. i have gone back to all of them and found strangers where i had left bits and pieces of my heart. what we do miss is the way we were ... there,then, with them
we are different all the time. with different people, in different places, at different times. and we scatter our souls in the winds of our lives, spreading it everywhere we have touched, leaving bits and pieces of our selves every where we go.
wouldnt it be nice if we could collect all of us in space & time and be whole for that moment, that place.
a few more snaps at
i couldnt write in words how its raining. its like magic. the water. the light. the city. wish i could stay home and watch the 'way we were' ... or anything, for that matter
night ships in the mist
perhaps we are all like ships. and life is like a sea. i thought about this till early this morning. lying next to the gaping window, the skies outside washed in moonlight. awash. floating. shimmering. the window, the square hole in the walls was so huge; where i lay, was so near the edge; the room so dark; the world so still all around ... it seemed like i was floating through space - through your world, in capsule, in a bubble - in which i rode down from mine
people tell me i am mysterious. that i cant be known. or understood. i say - well, thank god. for ur sanities sake.
but i digress. lying there i found my self thinking about this: perhaps we are all like ships. and life is like a sea. endless analogies spun through my brain. we go through storms, we lose our way, we get slowed down in getting to tomorrows destination - bcz we need to stop and catch fish to eat today. we forget where we were heading. we end up in america's looking for india. funny thoughts, serious thoughts, crazy thoughts. its strange the kind of thoughts that will come into ur head at 3AM
but what really got me thinking this way is - that i had the loveliest weekend. im getting better everyday. every weekend. im getting stronger. soon i will be able to sail again. so we are like ships. our place is on the sea. not in port. but when we are on the sea - there's wear and tear. and when we get into port, if the damage is too much then we need to stay a while and get fixed up.
i saw JULIE last night. excellent story - a bit badly handled i thought. but im so glad i saw it all teh same. terribly explicit though! i could barely watch at times. and i saw 50 FIRST DATES. Brilliant. I loved it! Im dying to see kill bill 2 and 'double life of veronique'!!! WHAT a COMBINATION!
my new kolkata snaps ...
people tell me i am mysterious. that i cant be known. or understood. i say - well, thank god. for ur sanities sake.
but i digress. lying there i found my self thinking about this: perhaps we are all like ships. and life is like a sea. endless analogies spun through my brain. we go through storms, we lose our way, we get slowed down in getting to tomorrows destination - bcz we need to stop and catch fish to eat today. we forget where we were heading. we end up in america's looking for india. funny thoughts, serious thoughts, crazy thoughts. its strange the kind of thoughts that will come into ur head at 3AM
but what really got me thinking this way is - that i had the loveliest weekend. im getting better everyday. every weekend. im getting stronger. soon i will be able to sail again. so we are like ships. our place is on the sea. not in port. but when we are on the sea - there's wear and tear. and when we get into port, if the damage is too much then we need to stay a while and get fixed up.
i saw JULIE last night. excellent story - a bit badly handled i thought. but im so glad i saw it all teh same. terribly explicit though! i could barely watch at times. and i saw 50 FIRST DATES. Brilliant. I loved it! Im dying to see kill bill 2 and 'double life of veronique'!!! WHAT a COMBINATION!
my new kolkata snaps ...
got it atlast
been trying remember the name of two movies for months. saw them amongst the blur of movies i saw in the states - my mad movie rush! found the atlast ...
magnolia & sophies choice
awesome!
magnolia & sophies choice
awesome!
im back ...
i played with the template a while, but icouldnt really get it to do the stuff i wanted ... and after a bit i got fed up ... I wanted it like Michelle had done it before - a nice curly-wurly RICERCAR on top ... but its come out weird!
im reading inscrutable americans. it was funny for the first few pages. now its terribley boring. im going to finish it today and go back to global soul. i also have marquez AB to start ...
and loads of thinking to do. i need to decide by this weekend. ive been sitting on the fence too long. just going alone with life and not thinking, not deciding. we need to decide. ull never know if its the right decision - but you still gotto decide. another thing i realised is that i depend way to much on other peoples love and affection (or whatever) for my happiness. its ok if some people think ur a idiot. im not gonna go out of my way to 'be a friend' or make people happy or not hurt people anymore. like my most fav blogger reminded me ... fcuk fish - had enough fish - fcuk being nice. had enough. im not that much stronger than everyone else and everyone else is not that weak. and no wound is fatal. you cant mess up ur life cz someone will feel bad if u dont. like the monk said - in original sin - no one is innocent. no one is 'bechaara'.
i went to hyatt for dinner last night. it was so tiring that for a fraction of a sec i fell asleep standing! i woke up at 5:30. went to the gym. got back. went to work - morning shift. finished at 2 but stayed back for the roadshow. till 4. then ran around trying to trace the guy who had my IT Returns. Got home 6. Returned a million phone calls. Ma got back from work. Got a shouting for 'not being enthu about dressing up'. then we went for the dinner. made PC with hajaar people. food was nice. ok. not that great. fell asleep in the car on the way back!
i havent seen a movie since i got back to india. in the hall that is. i saw 'white' at home - it was awesome! i wanna see TAXI this weekend. its a french movie. its very funny. speaking of french movies - i feel like seeing 'breathless' again. im going to buy dvd's this weekend. maybe ill get red, blue, white & breathless and limelight. and ofcourse - high fidelity and pride and prejudice. lets see ...
to everyone who had commented on the previous posts - i couldnt reply cz I switched the comments to blogger-comments ... SORRY!!! :(
im reading inscrutable americans. it was funny for the first few pages. now its terribley boring. im going to finish it today and go back to global soul. i also have marquez AB to start ...
and loads of thinking to do. i need to decide by this weekend. ive been sitting on the fence too long. just going alone with life and not thinking, not deciding. we need to decide. ull never know if its the right decision - but you still gotto decide. another thing i realised is that i depend way to much on other peoples love and affection (or whatever) for my happiness. its ok if some people think ur a idiot. im not gonna go out of my way to 'be a friend' or make people happy or not hurt people anymore. like my most fav blogger reminded me ... fcuk fish - had enough fish - fcuk being nice. had enough. im not that much stronger than everyone else and everyone else is not that weak. and no wound is fatal. you cant mess up ur life cz someone will feel bad if u dont. like the monk said - in original sin - no one is innocent. no one is 'bechaara'.
i went to hyatt for dinner last night. it was so tiring that for a fraction of a sec i fell asleep standing! i woke up at 5:30. went to the gym. got back. went to work - morning shift. finished at 2 but stayed back for the roadshow. till 4. then ran around trying to trace the guy who had my IT Returns. Got home 6. Returned a million phone calls. Ma got back from work. Got a shouting for 'not being enthu about dressing up'. then we went for the dinner. made PC with hajaar people. food was nice. ok. not that great. fell asleep in the car on the way back!
i havent seen a movie since i got back to india. in the hall that is. i saw 'white' at home - it was awesome! i wanna see TAXI this weekend. its a french movie. its very funny. speaking of french movies - i feel like seeing 'breathless' again. im going to buy dvd's this weekend. maybe ill get red, blue, white & breathless and limelight. and ofcourse - high fidelity and pride and prejudice. lets see ...
to everyone who had commented on the previous posts - i couldnt reply cz I switched the comments to blogger-comments ... SORRY!!! :(
sick
not well. in bed since thursday ... so no net access. will have to wait to post ...
life keeps changing moods like the kaliedescope i played with on the balcony as a child ... life is so beatiful, light or dark
have u ever felt the world shrinking, condensing, falling, falling into you, as you stare on at the ceiling.
its so peaceful to be at home. in cal ...
life keeps changing moods like the kaliedescope i played with on the balcony as a child ... life is so beatiful, light or dark
have u ever felt the world shrinking, condensing, falling, falling into you, as you stare on at the ceiling.
its so peaceful to be at home. in cal ...
Flashback warm nights, Almost left behind. Pages of memories calling across time
I spent half my time searching for calvin and hobbes on the net ... bcz i was bored of trying to figure out the logic (?) behind weird spagetti code. well, i found this awesome online archive and this article ...
``Bill is both refreshingly different and exasperatingly different, depending on one's perspective,'' said Lee Salem, editorial director of Universal Press Syndicate, which distributes ``Calvin and Hobbes.'' ``I'm an editor, not a creative person. I think it's difficult for those of us not (creatively) inclined to judge what toll that takes on a person. With some of these people it's a toll they didn't want to pay anymore.''
THE REST OF THE ARTICLE AT www.sfgate.com/ea/carroll/1230.html
Ive heard of this happening to other people, but this is the first time its happened to me!
I LOST A POST!!!!
anyway - here what i was writing about ... i found a lot of old diaries and poems and stuff at home and ive been having a lot of fun going through them. then i started reading the blogs right from the start ... its not so bad. all u gotto do is remember that ur everyone else might be reading it too :)
its funny ... may 2003 i wrote two posts about rajesh ... it was so nice to reread that now! and i liked these two bits too ... same period ... may 2003:
Friday, May 16, 2003
Ive got maxims on my mind ...
and voices in my head
as times goes on u realise the opposite of love is never hatred
because hatred is just another form of love
the opposite of love is indifference ...
like the opposite of existence is non existence and not disease ...
we are such fools
not merely happy with the fact that our friends do love us
we also put conditions on how and why?
everything u see, everything u hear
nothing is at it seems
everything is a test
everything is a clue
everyone u meet
everyone u see
no one should be trusted
no one is a friend
Sunday, May 04, 2003
... and another soul stirring memory. I was walking home from the bus stop in bristol one day. balmy evening. winds blowing all around. this is near the city centre and used to talk all kinds of weird by lanes ... a new one each time & there were so many! god I loved that city so. anyway, so its about 9 pm and the sky is just about beginning to fade to darker shades ... Im walking ... its cold ... and I have one of those "I'm all alone in this world & thank god" feelings. Im walking by this huge church and SUDDENLY there are lights inside & the bells start chiming .. I cant explain this ... but it was exquisite. The sounds of the bells floated all around in the air till I felt like I was dancing in a cloud of song & the whole world was so beautiful and I was SO GRATEFUL I was alive & alone & free
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
"And If you truly did drown? In life?
Would that be fascinating too?
Slowly sinking down down dark deep.
Into the stomach off a sweet blue intensity.
And then, night, night forever?
But a soft white glow Ill leave behind.
And it will keep glowing forever?"
``Bill is both refreshingly different and exasperatingly different, depending on one's perspective,'' said Lee Salem, editorial director of Universal Press Syndicate, which distributes ``Calvin and Hobbes.'' ``I'm an editor, not a creative person. I think it's difficult for those of us not (creatively) inclined to judge what toll that takes on a person. With some of these people it's a toll they didn't want to pay anymore.''
THE REST OF THE ARTICLE AT www.sfgate.com/ea/carroll/1230.html
Ive heard of this happening to other people, but this is the first time its happened to me!
I LOST A POST!!!!
anyway - here what i was writing about ... i found a lot of old diaries and poems and stuff at home and ive been having a lot of fun going through them. then i started reading the blogs right from the start ... its not so bad. all u gotto do is remember that ur everyone else might be reading it too :)
its funny ... may 2003 i wrote two posts about rajesh ... it was so nice to reread that now! and i liked these two bits too ... same period ... may 2003:
Friday, May 16, 2003
Ive got maxims on my mind ...
and voices in my head
as times goes on u realise the opposite of love is never hatred
because hatred is just another form of love
the opposite of love is indifference ...
like the opposite of existence is non existence and not disease ...
we are such fools
not merely happy with the fact that our friends do love us
we also put conditions on how and why?
everything u see, everything u hear
nothing is at it seems
everything is a test
everything is a clue
everyone u meet
everyone u see
no one should be trusted
no one is a friend
Sunday, May 04, 2003
... and another soul stirring memory. I was walking home from the bus stop in bristol one day. balmy evening. winds blowing all around. this is near the city centre and used to talk all kinds of weird by lanes ... a new one each time & there were so many! god I loved that city so. anyway, so its about 9 pm and the sky is just about beginning to fade to darker shades ... Im walking ... its cold ... and I have one of those "I'm all alone in this world & thank god" feelings. Im walking by this huge church and SUDDENLY there are lights inside & the bells start chiming .. I cant explain this ... but it was exquisite. The sounds of the bells floated all around in the air till I felt like I was dancing in a cloud of song & the whole world was so beautiful and I was SO GRATEFUL I was alive & alone & free
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
"And If you truly did drown? In life?
Would that be fascinating too?
Slowly sinking down down dark deep.
Into the stomach off a sweet blue intensity.
And then, night, night forever?
But a soft white glow Ill leave behind.
And it will keep glowing forever?"
confused
if you're unhappy, you can be cheered up
if you're stuck, you can be helped out
if you're dont know how to get what you want, you can be showed the way
but if you dont know what you want ... theres nothing anyone can do to help you!
if you're stuck, you can be helped out
if you're dont know how to get what you want, you can be showed the way
but if you dont know what you want ... theres nothing anyone can do to help you!
i fell in love with this little snippet ...
"In the back of the file, I found a yellowed cartoon I’d clipped from the newspaper. It’s Snoopy, opening his mailbox. Dear Contributor, states the letter he reads. We are returning your stupid story. You are a terrible writer. Why do you bother us? We wouldn’t buy one of your stories if you paid us. Leave us alone. Drop dead. Get lost. In the last square, Snoopy rests on his doghouse. Probably a form rejection slip, he thinks.
Oh, yeah. Snoopy knows where to file that rejection. His dream is protected, his heart is in tact. File that letter under H for Hope, that dream-sustaining elixir, the Holy Grail of publishing."
from Roxanne St. Claire’s first novel, 'TROPICAL GETAWAY'.
speaking of peanuts ... sally rather reminds me of barbie and guess who marcie reminds me of!
sleepy
im so sleepy i can hardly concentrate! but i know if i could lie down now i wouldnt be able sleep ...
i was up till two last night. for the first time ... i had a waking nightmare. a truck. a accident. blood. death and rahul in kolkata! weird ...
just feel asleep. had barely fallen asleep when i was woken by the phine. 4 am. sos calls dont watch the time. but im glad. im there if u needme. who ever the hell u are. after all thats all im semi good for ;)
went to the terrace. and sat in the ring. ram-da's jasmine floated heavy all around ...
came down, checked on ma. checked on munal. my little kiddies ... said sorry for the fight ... she smiled in her sleep. first smile in ages. mamma. the biggest kiddo in the world. how i lose my temper when i lose it. my hands shake. my legs shake. and my voice goes low and cold. i could kill someone then in a rage. pills used to be scared every day. thats id kill someone .... was tempted only once. i hate people who sneak into ur privacy. who break codes and passwords to investigate. but i guess, its only human. we must tolerate. forgive. accept. and then we must tolerate their abuses in turn!
anyway then i walked the the kitchen. didnt find anything. the ghost who walks. then i drifted off to sleep just as the alarm went. gym at 6 ... ouch!
drove to work half asleep. i used to have so many friends here. do i not have them anymore or is it my imagination? whats friendship? how much of a shelf-life does it have anyway? whats love, affectation, crushes and whats the expiry date on a promise?
one thought on my mind since sunday ... i wish i could be an angel! wish ihad the authority to walk up to anyone and say 'hello ... why u do you look so crushed.' ... to help. to talk. to wrap them up in clouds of comfort. heal them and let them fly again ... but i cant. when u sit there. looking so sad. i can even say ... friend - its ok. how could i? i barely know you. but i prayed for u. u will be better. soon.
and this is my LAST personal post here!
Oh, yeah. Snoopy knows where to file that rejection. His dream is protected, his heart is in tact. File that letter under H for Hope, that dream-sustaining elixir, the Holy Grail of publishing."
from Roxanne St. Claire’s first novel, 'TROPICAL GETAWAY'.
speaking of peanuts ... sally rather reminds me of barbie and guess who marcie reminds me of!
sleepy
im so sleepy i can hardly concentrate! but i know if i could lie down now i wouldnt be able sleep ...
i was up till two last night. for the first time ... i had a waking nightmare. a truck. a accident. blood. death and rahul in kolkata! weird ...
just feel asleep. had barely fallen asleep when i was woken by the phine. 4 am. sos calls dont watch the time. but im glad. im there if u needme. who ever the hell u are. after all thats all im semi good for ;)
went to the terrace. and sat in the ring. ram-da's jasmine floated heavy all around ...
came down, checked on ma. checked on munal. my little kiddies ... said sorry for the fight ... she smiled in her sleep. first smile in ages. mamma. the biggest kiddo in the world. how i lose my temper when i lose it. my hands shake. my legs shake. and my voice goes low and cold. i could kill someone then in a rage. pills used to be scared every day. thats id kill someone .... was tempted only once. i hate people who sneak into ur privacy. who break codes and passwords to investigate. but i guess, its only human. we must tolerate. forgive. accept. and then we must tolerate their abuses in turn!
anyway then i walked the the kitchen. didnt find anything. the ghost who walks. then i drifted off to sleep just as the alarm went. gym at 6 ... ouch!
drove to work half asleep. i used to have so many friends here. do i not have them anymore or is it my imagination? whats friendship? how much of a shelf-life does it have anyway? whats love, affectation, crushes and whats the expiry date on a promise?
one thought on my mind since sunday ... i wish i could be an angel! wish ihad the authority to walk up to anyone and say 'hello ... why u do you look so crushed.' ... to help. to talk. to wrap them up in clouds of comfort. heal them and let them fly again ... but i cant. when u sit there. looking so sad. i can even say ... friend - its ok. how could i? i barely know you. but i prayed for u. u will be better. soon.
and this is my LAST personal post here!
pome
i was made of glass, when i was born, yet i thought i was so strong
and now ive turned to stone
ill cut you if u break me, ill hurt u if u hurt me, though hold me in the sun,
theres light and rainbows all around
im transparent. im clear, unclouded
u see in me what YOU want to see
ive been bitten by all the little birds, i sheltered from the storm
now all i want is to be alone
im broken, cracked, shattered, scattered, parts of me lost in the wind
i need to turn. to turn to stone.
and now ive turned to stone
ill cut you if u break me, ill hurt u if u hurt me, though hold me in the sun,
theres light and rainbows all around
im transparent. im clear, unclouded
u see in me what YOU want to see
ive been bitten by all the little birds, i sheltered from the storm
now all i want is to be alone
im broken, cracked, shattered, scattered, parts of me lost in the wind
i need to turn. to turn to stone.
if pigs could fly ...
if we could get, on demand
either death, or a second chance
if we could chose what we bore
and what lit up the smiles we wore
if every dog had a day
if we got something, for every price we pay
if love was even, in give and take
or if love came alone, without want, or ache
if everyone loved cats and dogs
and all the old and the children never hurt
if music and humour were universal
and if i could write ... to save my life ;)
another weekend. each friday i tell myself that monday will never come. but it does. thank god. imagine how boring life would be with nothing to crib about :)
so much has happened - as always - i have much to write about. but not here. this blog has become too public. so ill hold it for a while as far as this ones concerned.
either death, or a second chance
if we could chose what we bore
and what lit up the smiles we wore
if every dog had a day
if we got something, for every price we pay
if love was even, in give and take
or if love came alone, without want, or ache
if everyone loved cats and dogs
and all the old and the children never hurt
if music and humour were universal
and if i could write ... to save my life ;)
another weekend. each friday i tell myself that monday will never come. but it does. thank god. imagine how boring life would be with nothing to crib about :)
so much has happened - as always - i have much to write about. but not here. this blog has become too public. so ill hold it for a while as far as this ones concerned.
forward
i received these two fwds early this morning. couldnt resist ...
Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears.
Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your stress.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
- But FART!! just ONE time... And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
BUT THE BEST IS:
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf
Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears.
Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your stress.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
- But FART!! just ONE time... And everybody knows!!
Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!
BUT THE BEST IS:
http://www.ircuser.org/files/monkey.swf
the da vinci code
im reading this book which i just cant seem to put down. its almost down. i read 424 pages in between saturday morning and sunday morning ... after which i had to be out with the family ... but theres no rahul to gloat so ... :)
its really exciting. it talks about chirst and mary magadelan and a secret sect called the priori of scion and the knights templar.
the last time i read something that seemed so exciting AND real was 'mary queen of scotts' ... but who knows whats true. like the book says ... history instrinsically means the story of he who won. who knows what really happened. but its a fascinating read.
its really exciting. it talks about chirst and mary magadelan and a secret sect called the priori of scion and the knights templar.
the last time i read something that seemed so exciting AND real was 'mary queen of scotts' ... but who knows whats true. like the book says ... history instrinsically means the story of he who won. who knows what really happened. but its a fascinating read.
song in my head - after years now
She grew up with
The children of the stars
In the hollywood hills and the boulevard
Her parents threw big parties
Everyone was there
They hung out with folks like
Dennis Hopper, Bob Seeger, Sonny and Cher
Now, she feels safe
In this bar on fairfax
And from the stage I can tell that
She can't let go and she can't relax
And just before
She hangs her head to cry
I sing to her a lullaby, I sing
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
She still lives with her mom
Outside the city
Down that street about a half a mile
And all her friends tell her
She's so pretty
But she'd be a whole lot prettier
If she smiled once in a while
`Cause even her smile
Looks like a frown
She's seen her share of devils
In this angel town
But, everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
I told her I ain't so sure
About this place
It's hard to play a gig in this town
And keep a straight face
Seems like everyone here's got a plan
It's kind of like nashville with a tan, but,
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Lullaby - Shawn Mullins
there are two kinds of people in this world. people with broken hearts and those who dont know heartache. yet.
there are two kind of children in this world. children from "different" families. and those with "normal" parents.
there are only two things that happen with some kinds of pain. u forget for a while. or you remember. it never finishes. or heals. or goes away.
yes, she seems like a really bad person at times. have u ever wondered why? she was born a princess. she used be like an angel. she used to be a flower. now she's just dried grass. who did this to her? did she? but why? have u ever wondered why? now u cant save her. all of u betrayed her. just leave her in alone. maybe she will heal. maybe she will grow past it. un-whole. limping. broken. but alive ... is that what you wanted. just stop attacking her.
either the problem is the basic premise that life is supposed to be joyful... or the problem is with the absence of joy. the root of sorrow, in this case hatred. deep, unbearable self hatred ... like a bowl of acid held in ur inner most core -which spills a little each time u are shaken. why would u hate urself? bcz ur not good enough. bcz ur not as good as what u want to be. bcz "there's only one winner and everyone else is an also-ran"
if u were standing in the center of a whirlpool and u saw someone u liked approach ... what should you do? push them away? shout out - dont come near? or just shut up and crouch low and hope they dont see you?"
who do you go to when u are overwhelmingly excited? abysmally sad? hopeless lost? unreasonably happy? when u come undone? it a leap of faith? trusting someone intentions is easy. but trusting their ability to help you comes hard after uve fallen so many times. have you ever felt the hunger for a grownup? a lean-ee? have you ever felt tired of being grownup for everyone around? making allowances? swallowing hurt? and pride? telling urself it wasnt meant that way. that its ok?
The children of the stars
In the hollywood hills and the boulevard
Her parents threw big parties
Everyone was there
They hung out with folks like
Dennis Hopper, Bob Seeger, Sonny and Cher
Now, she feels safe
In this bar on fairfax
And from the stage I can tell that
She can't let go and she can't relax
And just before
She hangs her head to cry
I sing to her a lullaby, I sing
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
She still lives with her mom
Outside the city
Down that street about a half a mile
And all her friends tell her
She's so pretty
But she'd be a whole lot prettier
If she smiled once in a while
`Cause even her smile
Looks like a frown
She's seen her share of devils
In this angel town
But, everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
I told her I ain't so sure
About this place
It's hard to play a gig in this town
And keep a straight face
Seems like everyone here's got a plan
It's kind of like nashville with a tan, but,
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Lullaby - Shawn Mullins
there are two kinds of people in this world. people with broken hearts and those who dont know heartache. yet.
there are two kind of children in this world. children from "different" families. and those with "normal" parents.
there are only two things that happen with some kinds of pain. u forget for a while. or you remember. it never finishes. or heals. or goes away.
yes, she seems like a really bad person at times. have u ever wondered why? she was born a princess. she used be like an angel. she used to be a flower. now she's just dried grass. who did this to her? did she? but why? have u ever wondered why? now u cant save her. all of u betrayed her. just leave her in alone. maybe she will heal. maybe she will grow past it. un-whole. limping. broken. but alive ... is that what you wanted. just stop attacking her.
either the problem is the basic premise that life is supposed to be joyful... or the problem is with the absence of joy. the root of sorrow, in this case hatred. deep, unbearable self hatred ... like a bowl of acid held in ur inner most core -which spills a little each time u are shaken. why would u hate urself? bcz ur not good enough. bcz ur not as good as what u want to be. bcz "there's only one winner and everyone else is an also-ran"
if u were standing in the center of a whirlpool and u saw someone u liked approach ... what should you do? push them away? shout out - dont come near? or just shut up and crouch low and hope they dont see you?"
who do you go to when u are overwhelmingly excited? abysmally sad? hopeless lost? unreasonably happy? when u come undone? it a leap of faith? trusting someone intentions is easy. but trusting their ability to help you comes hard after uve fallen so many times. have you ever felt the hunger for a grownup? a lean-ee? have you ever felt tired of being grownup for everyone around? making allowances? swallowing hurt? and pride? telling urself it wasnt meant that way. that its ok?
keep coming back to you ...
i tried to stay away, but i couldnt. yesterday, though i was itching to write, i had so much work that it was easier to let sense prevail. but this morning, it was 26 degrees out. woke up early and wore my favourite saree to work. the sky was like a child with brimming eyes ... tears just about to fall. dark, yet glowing. theres a strange light in the sky today. i got in early. i did the blog roll. and i couldnt bear it any more ... so here i am (no rocking, pls) :)
had a hectic week or two. something lined up after work every evening. met ghatak last night. AWESOME! he hasnt changed a bit! he just looks more relaxed though. more at ease with himself. FTII agrees with him. makes me miss Pune. and Vani & Pills. those long evenings at ftii - just chilling and doing nothing at all
met ad too ... it makes me feel so much better. staying at home. having them accessible. these are my real family. jinx, chatts, sauce, ad, barbie, juls, brat, buro, vani, pills, rahul bhaiya ... and all my friends.
being out there, on ur own is ok. but u have been on ur gaurd so long, uve been hurt so long, that the shell, gradually hardening, grows thicker and thicker ... growing inwards, and squeezing out out the light inside. till one day, u freeze. till one day, u die. but now im coming back to life. now that im with friends all around again.
sharakkhun bandhu bandhu kore mete thaakle hobe! bandhura kemon chhata diye
matha rokkha korbe aami dekhe nebo ... korbe ma. orai kore. baachiye rakhe. 'when ur in need of love they give u care and affection'. they make life worth living. good friends, bad friends. time pass friends, soul friends. new friends, old friends. blog friends, work friends, rotaract friends, school friends, college friends, 'just found them here and there' friends ... and a AWOL-desperately-needed-right-now best friend ;)
Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun
had a hectic week or two. something lined up after work every evening. met ghatak last night. AWESOME! he hasnt changed a bit! he just looks more relaxed though. more at ease with himself. FTII agrees with him. makes me miss Pune. and Vani & Pills. those long evenings at ftii - just chilling and doing nothing at all
met ad too ... it makes me feel so much better. staying at home. having them accessible. these are my real family. jinx, chatts, sauce, ad, barbie, juls, brat, buro, vani, pills, rahul bhaiya ... and all my friends.
being out there, on ur own is ok. but u have been on ur gaurd so long, uve been hurt so long, that the shell, gradually hardening, grows thicker and thicker ... growing inwards, and squeezing out out the light inside. till one day, u freeze. till one day, u die. but now im coming back to life. now that im with friends all around again.
sharakkhun bandhu bandhu kore mete thaakle hobe! bandhura kemon chhata diye
matha rokkha korbe aami dekhe nebo ... korbe ma. orai kore. baachiye rakhe. 'when ur in need of love they give u care and affection'. they make life worth living. good friends, bad friends. time pass friends, soul friends. new friends, old friends. blog friends, work friends, rotaract friends, school friends, college friends, 'just found them here and there' friends ... and a AWOL-desperately-needed-right-now best friend ;)
Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
Where were you when I was hurt and helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun
Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of lifeand the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life
I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And headed straight..into the shining sun
MVS - Tape Vs Disk Storage - Notes (From some website)
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
http://www.techweb.com/encyclopedia/
http://www.universalsoft.com/vtacomparisons.htm.
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
www.mainframes.com/jcl/backupHFS.txt
www.chicago-soft.com/gref/ibmlist.html
www.planetmvs.com/humour/slang.html
=================================
Virtual Tape Systems for IBM Mainframes
A comparative analysis
VTA | VTA Introduction | Questionaire | Cost Worksheets | VTA Performance | Home
Virtual Tape concepts for IBM Mainframes
Mainframe virtual tape is typically defined as magnetic tape file images stored on disk. In reality it is a little more subtle than that. Most discussions of virtual tape focus on the advantages of virtual tape vs. real tape. That begs the question, if it is better to store files on disk, why store them on tape in the first place. Since the earliest versions of OS/360 and DOS/360, programs could easily choose between disk or tape devices for data file storage. If a program was written to use tape, it is generally a trivial matter to change the program to use disk instead. In fact in most cases the program need not be changed at all, just the JCL (Job Control Language) statements which describe the input and output files used by the program.
If that is the case, why do we need “virtual tape” which uses disk but pretends to be tape? The answer is that in most data centers, there are hundreds or even thousands of jobs that are set up to use magnetic tape. Many of these jobs have been running unchanged for many years. Although changing one job to use disk is trivial, changing thousands of jobs is quite another matter.
You also might wonder why would you want to change jobs that are working perfectly to use disk instead of tape. There are many reasons to store data files on disk instead of tape. Unattended operation is probably the biggest one. The following paragraphs discuss the advantages of disk and the advantages of tape. For the most part, the advantages of virtual tape are the same as the advantages of using disk in the first place, except that existing jobs which have been set up to use tape, can now use virtual tape with little or no change. The IBM VTS home page has a very compelling white paper on the virtues of virtual tape.
Disk vs. tape for storage.
This has been a subject of ongoing debate for as long as there have been computers. For any given job or application, the best choice for storage today might not be the best choice tomorrow. Rapid advances in technology keep changing the grounds rules, ie.. those factors on which such decisions are based. For instance, although the cost of disk is still higher than the cost of tape, as it always has been, the cost of computer operators has continued to increase as the cost of computers and storage has gone down.
Advantages of tape.
Cost. The cost per megabyte of tape is still considerably less than disk as long as it is utilized to near its capacity. Most installations have many legacy tape jobs which have been in use for many years since the time when disk was extremely expensive. Even as recently as the early 1990's mainframe disk space was priced as high as $12,000.00 per gigabyte.
Portability. Tapes are removable and can be taken off site. This makes tape a good choice for backups. Tape has traditionally been used for bulk data interchange applications as well.
Scalability. Tape is infinitely scalable. You can always buy more tapes at a very small incremental cost.
Disadvantages of tape.
Operator dependence. Mounting and dismounting of tapes is quite operator intensive, especially where lots of small files are involved. Physical labeling of tapes, storing and retrieving of tapes from racks, also contribute to expensive, inefficient and error prone operation by today’s standards. Nowadays the elimination of one computer operator can pay for multi terabytes of disk storage each year, year after year.
Underutilization. Often times, tapes contain only a single relatively small file. This contributes greatly to the loss of much of the cost per megabyte advantage.
Overall throughput. In general, disk is faster than tape. When load, unload and rewind times are considered, along with operator mounting and dismounting times, the total cost advantage is usually lost.
Device contention. Only one program at a time can access a tape drive. Although tape cartridges are very inexpensive, the actual tape drives and control units are not. Additional drives equates to additional floor space and other environmental considerations in addition to the acquisition and maintenance costs for the drives.
Tape management and automated tape libraries.
The above disadvantages have been addressed in several ways. Most notably, tape file management and stacking software address the underutilization and tape labeling issues while greatly reducing operator errors. Automatic tape libraries are also available to eliminate the dependence on the operator. While these solutions may be cost justified, they are certainly not cheap. Furthermore, while file stacking addresses the underutilization issue, it is at the expense of efficient file access, especially when retrieving a file near the end of the tape.
Advantages of disk storage.
Share ability. Disk devices, also known as Dasd (direct access storage devices) can be concurrently accessed by many programs simultaneously with generally little performance impact, effectively eliminating scheduling bottlenecks.
Efficient space utilization. Generally speaking, many, many files can be stored on a single disk storage device with little wasted space.
Efficient file access. Files can be accessed and opened practically instantaneously. It is not necessary to scan past one or even several other files to reach the desired file as it is with tape files.
No operator intervention. Since generally, disk storage devices are always on line, there is no dependence on the operator. Jobs run basically unattended unless a problem occurs.
Disadvantages of disk storage.
Cost. It will always be less expensive to buy a few more tape cartridges.
Scalability. Of course you can buy more disk. You just can’t buy a ‘little bit’ more disk.
Back to the virtual tape discussion.
As has been stated earlier, the case for virtual tape vs. real tape is basically the same as the case for disk vs. tape but without the need to convert existing tape jobs individually. The point of all this is simply that all virtual tape systems have the same basic advantages over real tape as described above. Most virtual tape discussion is limited to those points presented above. Its as if each VTS vendor thinks they are the only VTS vendor.
The following paragraphs discuss the various types and approaches to virtual tape in contrast specifically to the most popular VTS system which is the Magstar VTS from IBM. The Magstar VTS was introduced in 1997 and has enjoyed great success in large MVS, OS/390 and now Z/OS installations. In general it has been considered much too expensive for use in smaller MVS and VM or VSE shops. Very recently, other VTS systems have begun to emerge, some of which are downward scalable and affordable to the smaller S/390 mainframe community. These systems are based on different technological approaches as described below.
IBM Magstar VTS.
This is by far the most sophisticated but also by far the most expensive solution. The Magstar VTS uses dedicated special purpose Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. The IBM white papers extol the virtues of virtual tape compared to real tape. These advantages are true of all virtual tape systems. In particular, the entry level cost for the Magstar VTS makes it feasible only for fairly large mainframe data centers.
Other proprietary virtual tape systems.
Storage-Tek and one or two other similar brands of VTS also use proprietary dedicated Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. They are similarly sophisticated and expensive.
Software only, virtual tape.
These systems intercept I/O requests intended for tape devices and redirect the request to utilize mainframe Dasd instead of mainframe tape. These systems are relatively inexpensive and provide unattended operation. Some of these systems use compression to minimize the use of the expensive mainframe Dasd. In most cases the mainframe Dasd is only used temporarily. The virtual tape files are then stacked and offloaded to real tape thus addressing the under utilization issue. The only drawback to this approach is the trade off of efficient accessability vs. the cost of expensive mainframe Dasd. The more mainframe Dasd is made available, the more efficient is the access to the files. However, mainframe Dasd is by far the most expensive storage medium.
Open storage virtual tape systems.
These systems utilize open network based raid disk storage for storing the virtual tape images. In general, open network storage is much less expensive than mainframe Dasd. These systems provide unattended operation, efficient use of storage, and instant accessability for the raid resident virtual tapes. These systems are generally accompanied by hierarchical storage management systems which eventually migrate some of the virtual tape files, stacking them on large capacity tapes. The concept is the same as above, but the network based storage is generally so inexpensive by comparison, that real tape is only used for long term archival purposes.
Even off site backup and disaster recovery procedures are now possible whereby mainframe backup virtual tapes are compressed and then transmitted (zipped and shipped) off site rather than having physical tapes sent by messenger. Some companies historically have created two sets of backup tapes, one to keep on site and another off site. This virtual tape approach eliminates the need for such duplication.
Comparing the various VTS systems.
The following paragraphs contrast the various VTS technologies with respect to their strengths and weaknesses.
Acquisition cost.
Least expensive to acquire per emulated tape drive are the “software only” VTS systems. However, the cost per resident on line virtual tape file is quite high due to the use of mainframe Dasd. These systems can be quite effective for temporary files and for a small number of fairly small generation data sets. For backup and disaster recovery applications these systems have certain innate limitations. For instance, if mainframe Dasd is used for the virtual tape images, then most disaster scenarios would wipe out both the master files and the backups. If the virtual backup tapes must be offloaded to tape anyway, then the original step which created the virtual tape in the first place is somewhat irrelevant. Some software only solutions include transmitting the virtual tape images to a network PC via TCP/IP. This approach puts a major strain on both mainframe CPU cycles and network bandwidth.
At the high end, the Magstar VTS and the STK VSM products are designed and priced for the very large IBM mainframe installation, primarily OS/390 and Z/OS environments. The use of dedicated, proprietary Raid storage contributes to the high acquisition cost. Reliability and serviceability through hardware redundancy is paramount with these systems. Multiple channel paths and sophisticated caching provide excellent performance but make these systems unaffordable to the smaller shop.
Channel attached VTS systems which utilize open networked storage such as the Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software provide a very affordable entry level price point while at the same time they provide virtually unlimited scalable capacity. The use of open storage and servers allows a wide range of price performance and reliability options to suit the needs of any installation, large or small.
Scalability.
Most virtual tape systems are not very scalable by their nature. The IBM Magstar and the STK VSM are examples. These systems are certainly not downward scalable due to their high entry level cost. Increasing the amount of dedicated Raid disk storage in small increments is not usually feasible either. Furthermore, the Raid storage is generally so expensive that a relatively small amount is generally purchased simply as a caching front end to an automatic tape library. At any given time, only a small percentage of the virtual tape images are on line in the Raid cache. These on line virtual tapes benefit from the direct accessability of the Raid storage, while the majority of the virtual tape files have been stacked for efficient utilization on the real, large capacity tapes in the automatic tape library. Remember, the utilization efficiency of the stacking leads to inefficient retrieval of the files further in to the real tape. Also, the automatic tape library itself is not very scalable. You are normally advised to buy more ATL capacity than you will ever need because when you run out of slots you can’t simply just buy “a few more slots”.
The software only VTS systems are only as scalable as the extra available mainframe Dasd capacity allows.
Open storage based VTS systems like the USI Virtual Tape Appliance, are extremely scalable by contrast however. They are very affordable at low capacity entry levels, and adding more capacity in small increments is as simple as adding another NAS device, or another server to the network. In fact, reliable open network storage is now so affordable that it is often feasible to have all the virtual tape images or certainly a high percentage of them always on line in Raid storage. If an ATL back end is required, there are many more network compatible brands and models to choose from, for the ATL as well as the Raid Dasd itself. You are not locked in to the few more expensive mainframe compatible brands. The use of open file systems for the virtual tapes also opens the door to the use of any of several brands of HSM( Hierarchical Storage Management) packages as well. The HSM software manages the movement of the virtual tape images between the Raid and an Automatic Tape Library.
Performance.
Almost all the Virtual tape solutions perform well compared with real tape, especially when rewind and operator mount times are considered.. Device scheduling, reduced reruns due to operator errors are additional throughput considerations. When comparing the performance of the various VTS systems one to another, an ironic observation becomes apparent. Virtual tape systems perform very well as long as the virtual tape image is in disk cache. When the virtual tape has been migrated off to an Automatic Tape Library, the VTS performance suffers a double whammy. It takes longer to access the virtual tape file, especially if the file has been stacked near the end of a large capacity reel. Secondly, the virtual tape must then be reloaded to the cache in its entirety before it can be opened by the mainframe. The net effect of this is that the ratio of tape files online in cache vs. those which have been offloaded to real tape, becomes an important determinating factor of overall performance. The irony is that the high end systems are the most adversely affected by this factor because of cost. In fact, reliable, open networked storage has become so inexpensive and so easily extended that you may be able to keep all your tape images on disk. Real tape can then be reserved for long term archival purposes or for files which must be shipped to another data center for instance. Even backup and disaster recovery tapes may not necessarily be required to be offloaded. Current high bandwidth communications, along with compression, snap shot capability, remote mirroring and other state of the art storage technologies enable very affordable off site backup and restore via network transmission, without the need for shipping real tapes by courier.
Summary.
Virtual tape has many advantages over real tape, and will most often yield a rapid return on investment. If you have not yet invested in the high end IBM or STK solution, you should investigate an open storage based VTS system. These systems provide very affordable, scalable, reliable and efficient virtual tape capability while providing excellent investment protection. A feature comparison of the Bus-tech Mas and the Universal Software VTA follows.
Cost.
The USI VTA has a lower entry price point and is generally less expensive for equivalent capacity.
Scalability.
The USI VTA offers greater configurational flexibility allowing price, performance, reliability and capacity trade offs tailored to the users requirements.
Operation.
The Bus-tech Mas (and most other VTS systems) are quite dependent on mainframe tape management software. The USI VTA interfaces with any tape management software, but also provides its own built in management functions and GUI operator interface for unrivaled ease of use even without a tape manager.
Compatibility.
The USI VTA is built upon the MS Windows platform and file system. This allows incorporation of the widest possible complimentary functionality. The VTA is therefore compatible with any HSM or other Windows based software applications as well as any tape or disk or any other device which supports MS Windows. The MAS is Linux based, which may limit its compatibility.
Generic I/O System interface.
The USI VTA is also architecturally compatible with the popular GENIOS system from USI. GENIOS allows heterogeneous data interchange between IBM mainframes and open networked systems. GENIOS supports print and disk file sharing as well as tape.
Conclusion.
Virtual tape is fast becoming an essential part of the modern data center. Several new products are available which make it more affordable than ever. The Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software is one such product which provides affordable and scalable capacity with extraordinary functionality and ease of use.
posted by Prerona at 6:25 AM 0 comments
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
http://www.techweb.com/encyclopedia/
http://www.universalsoft.com/vtacomparisons.htm.
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
www.mainframes.com/jcl/backupHFS.txt
www.chicago-soft.com/gref/ibmlist.html
www.planetmvs.com/humour/slang.html
=================================
Virtual Tape Systems for IBM Mainframes
A comparative analysis
VTA | VTA Introduction | Questionaire | Cost Worksheets | VTA Performance | Home
Virtual Tape concepts for IBM Mainframes
Mainframe virtual tape is typically defined as magnetic tape file images stored on disk. In reality it is a little more subtle than that. Most discussions of virtual tape focus on the advantages of virtual tape vs. real tape. That begs the question, if it is better to store files on disk, why store them on tape in the first place. Since the earliest versions of OS/360 and DOS/360, programs could easily choose between disk or tape devices for data file storage. If a program was written to use tape, it is generally a trivial matter to change the program to use disk instead. In fact in most cases the program need not be changed at all, just the JCL (Job Control Language) statements which describe the input and output files used by the program.
If that is the case, why do we need “virtual tape” which uses disk but pretends to be tape? The answer is that in most data centers, there are hundreds or even thousands of jobs that are set up to use magnetic tape. Many of these jobs have been running unchanged for many years. Although changing one job to use disk is trivial, changing thousands of jobs is quite another matter.
You also might wonder why would you want to change jobs that are working perfectly to use disk instead of tape. There are many reasons to store data files on disk instead of tape. Unattended operation is probably the biggest one. The following paragraphs discuss the advantages of disk and the advantages of tape. For the most part, the advantages of virtual tape are the same as the advantages of using disk in the first place, except that existing jobs which have been set up to use tape, can now use virtual tape with little or no change. The IBM VTS home page has a very compelling white paper on the virtues of virtual tape.
Disk vs. tape for storage.
This has been a subject of ongoing debate for as long as there have been computers. For any given job or application, the best choice for storage today might not be the best choice tomorrow. Rapid advances in technology keep changing the grounds rules, ie.. those factors on which such decisions are based. For instance, although the cost of disk is still higher than the cost of tape, as it always has been, the cost of computer operators has continued to increase as the cost of computers and storage has gone down.
Advantages of tape.
Cost. The cost per megabyte of tape is still considerably less than disk as long as it is utilized to near its capacity. Most installations have many legacy tape jobs which have been in use for many years since the time when disk was extremely expensive. Even as recently as the early 1990's mainframe disk space was priced as high as $12,000.00 per gigabyte.
Portability. Tapes are removable and can be taken off site. This makes tape a good choice for backups. Tape has traditionally been used for bulk data interchange applications as well.
Scalability. Tape is infinitely scalable. You can always buy more tapes at a very small incremental cost.
Disadvantages of tape.
Operator dependence. Mounting and dismounting of tapes is quite operator intensive, especially where lots of small files are involved. Physical labeling of tapes, storing and retrieving of tapes from racks, also contribute to expensive, inefficient and error prone operation by today’s standards. Nowadays the elimination of one computer operator can pay for multi terabytes of disk storage each year, year after year.
Underutilization. Often times, tapes contain only a single relatively small file. This contributes greatly to the loss of much of the cost per megabyte advantage.
Overall throughput. In general, disk is faster than tape. When load, unload and rewind times are considered, along with operator mounting and dismounting times, the total cost advantage is usually lost.
Device contention. Only one program at a time can access a tape drive. Although tape cartridges are very inexpensive, the actual tape drives and control units are not. Additional drives equates to additional floor space and other environmental considerations in addition to the acquisition and maintenance costs for the drives.
Tape management and automated tape libraries.
The above disadvantages have been addressed in several ways. Most notably, tape file management and stacking software address the underutilization and tape labeling issues while greatly reducing operator errors. Automatic tape libraries are also available to eliminate the dependence on the operator. While these solutions may be cost justified, they are certainly not cheap. Furthermore, while file stacking addresses the underutilization issue, it is at the expense of efficient file access, especially when retrieving a file near the end of the tape.
Advantages of disk storage.
Share ability. Disk devices, also known as Dasd (direct access storage devices) can be concurrently accessed by many programs simultaneously with generally little performance impact, effectively eliminating scheduling bottlenecks.
Efficient space utilization. Generally speaking, many, many files can be stored on a single disk storage device with little wasted space.
Efficient file access. Files can be accessed and opened practically instantaneously. It is not necessary to scan past one or even several other files to reach the desired file as it is with tape files.
No operator intervention. Since generally, disk storage devices are always on line, there is no dependence on the operator. Jobs run basically unattended unless a problem occurs.
Disadvantages of disk storage.
Cost. It will always be less expensive to buy a few more tape cartridges.
Scalability. Of course you can buy more disk. You just can’t buy a ‘little bit’ more disk.
Back to the virtual tape discussion.
As has been stated earlier, the case for virtual tape vs. real tape is basically the same as the case for disk vs. tape but without the need to convert existing tape jobs individually. The point of all this is simply that all virtual tape systems have the same basic advantages over real tape as described above. Most virtual tape discussion is limited to those points presented above. Its as if each VTS vendor thinks they are the only VTS vendor.
The following paragraphs discuss the various types and approaches to virtual tape in contrast specifically to the most popular VTS system which is the Magstar VTS from IBM. The Magstar VTS was introduced in 1997 and has enjoyed great success in large MVS, OS/390 and now Z/OS installations. In general it has been considered much too expensive for use in smaller MVS and VM or VSE shops. Very recently, other VTS systems have begun to emerge, some of which are downward scalable and affordable to the smaller S/390 mainframe community. These systems are based on different technological approaches as described below.
IBM Magstar VTS.
This is by far the most sophisticated but also by far the most expensive solution. The Magstar VTS uses dedicated special purpose Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. The IBM white papers extol the virtues of virtual tape compared to real tape. These advantages are true of all virtual tape systems. In particular, the entry level cost for the Magstar VTS makes it feasible only for fairly large mainframe data centers.
Other proprietary virtual tape systems.
Storage-Tek and one or two other similar brands of VTS also use proprietary dedicated Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. They are similarly sophisticated and expensive.
Software only, virtual tape.
These systems intercept I/O requests intended for tape devices and redirect the request to utilize mainframe Dasd instead of mainframe tape. These systems are relatively inexpensive and provide unattended operation. Some of these systems use compression to minimize the use of the expensive mainframe Dasd. In most cases the mainframe Dasd is only used temporarily. The virtual tape files are then stacked and offloaded to real tape thus addressing the under utilization issue. The only drawback to this approach is the trade off of efficient accessability vs. the cost of expensive mainframe Dasd. The more mainframe Dasd is made available, the more efficient is the access to the files. However, mainframe Dasd is by far the most expensive storage medium.
Open storage virtual tape systems.
These systems utilize open network based raid disk storage for storing the virtual tape images. In general, open network storage is much less expensive than mainframe Dasd. These systems provide unattended operation, efficient use of storage, and instant accessability for the raid resident virtual tapes. These systems are generally accompanied by hierarchical storage management systems which eventually migrate some of the virtual tape files, stacking them on large capacity tapes. The concept is the same as above, but the network based storage is generally so inexpensive by comparison, that real tape is only used for long term archival purposes.
Even off site backup and disaster recovery procedures are now possible whereby mainframe backup virtual tapes are compressed and then transmitted (zipped and shipped) off site rather than having physical tapes sent by messenger. Some companies historically have created two sets of backup tapes, one to keep on site and another off site. This virtual tape approach eliminates the need for such duplication.
Comparing the various VTS systems.
The following paragraphs contrast the various VTS technologies with respect to their strengths and weaknesses.
Acquisition cost.
Least expensive to acquire per emulated tape drive are the “software only” VTS systems. However, the cost per resident on line virtual tape file is quite high due to the use of mainframe Dasd. These systems can be quite effective for temporary files and for a small number of fairly small generation data sets. For backup and disaster recovery applications these systems have certain innate limitations. For instance, if mainframe Dasd is used for the virtual tape images, then most disaster scenarios would wipe out both the master files and the backups. If the virtual backup tapes must be offloaded to tape anyway, then the original step which created the virtual tape in the first place is somewhat irrelevant. Some software only solutions include transmitting the virtual tape images to a network PC via TCP/IP. This approach puts a major strain on both mainframe CPU cycles and network bandwidth.
At the high end, the Magstar VTS and the STK VSM products are designed and priced for the very large IBM mainframe installation, primarily OS/390 and Z/OS environments. The use of dedicated, proprietary Raid storage contributes to the high acquisition cost. Reliability and serviceability through hardware redundancy is paramount with these systems. Multiple channel paths and sophisticated caching provide excellent performance but make these systems unaffordable to the smaller shop.
Channel attached VTS systems which utilize open networked storage such as the Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software provide a very affordable entry level price point while at the same time they provide virtually unlimited scalable capacity. The use of open storage and servers allows a wide range of price performance and reliability options to suit the needs of any installation, large or small.
Scalability.
Most virtual tape systems are not very scalable by their nature. The IBM Magstar and the STK VSM are examples. These systems are certainly not downward scalable due to their high entry level cost. Increasing the amount of dedicated Raid disk storage in small increments is not usually feasible either. Furthermore, the Raid storage is generally so expensive that a relatively small amount is generally purchased simply as a caching front end to an automatic tape library. At any given time, only a small percentage of the virtual tape images are on line in the Raid cache. These on line virtual tapes benefit from the direct accessability of the Raid storage, while the majority of the virtual tape files have been stacked for efficient utilization on the real, large capacity tapes in the automatic tape library. Remember, the utilization efficiency of the stacking leads to inefficient retrieval of the files further in to the real tape. Also, the automatic tape library itself is not very scalable. You are normally advised to buy more ATL capacity than you will ever need because when you run out of slots you can’t simply just buy “a few more slots”.
The software only VTS systems are only as scalable as the extra available mainframe Dasd capacity allows.
Open storage based VTS systems like the USI Virtual Tape Appliance, are extremely scalable by contrast however. They are very affordable at low capacity entry levels, and adding more capacity in small increments is as simple as adding another NAS device, or another server to the network. In fact, reliable open network storage is now so affordable that it is often feasible to have all the virtual tape images or certainly a high percentage of them always on line in Raid storage. If an ATL back end is required, there are many more network compatible brands and models to choose from, for the ATL as well as the Raid Dasd itself. You are not locked in to the few more expensive mainframe compatible brands. The use of open file systems for the virtual tapes also opens the door to the use of any of several brands of HSM( Hierarchical Storage Management) packages as well. The HSM software manages the movement of the virtual tape images between the Raid and an Automatic Tape Library.
Performance.
Almost all the Virtual tape solutions perform well compared with real tape, especially when rewind and operator mount times are considered.. Device scheduling, reduced reruns due to operator errors are additional throughput considerations. When comparing the performance of the various VTS systems one to another, an ironic observation becomes apparent. Virtual tape systems perform very well as long as the virtual tape image is in disk cache. When the virtual tape has been migrated off to an Automatic Tape Library, the VTS performance suffers a double whammy. It takes longer to access the virtual tape file, especially if the file has been stacked near the end of a large capacity reel. Secondly, the virtual tape must then be reloaded to the cache in its entirety before it can be opened by the mainframe. The net effect of this is that the ratio of tape files online in cache vs. those which have been offloaded to real tape, becomes an important determinating factor of overall performance. The irony is that the high end systems are the most adversely affected by this factor because of cost. In fact, reliable, open networked storage has become so inexpensive and so easily extended that you may be able to keep all your tape images on disk. Real tape can then be reserved for long term archival purposes or for files which must be shipped to another data center for instance. Even backup and disaster recovery tapes may not necessarily be required to be offloaded. Current high bandwidth communications, along with compression, snap shot capability, remote mirroring and other state of the art storage technologies enable very affordable off site backup and restore via network transmission, without the need for shipping real tapes by courier.
Summary.
Virtual tape has many advantages over real tape, and will most often yield a rapid return on investment. If you have not yet invested in the high end IBM or STK solution, you should investigate an open storage based VTS system. These systems provide very affordable, scalable, reliable and efficient virtual tape capability while providing excellent investment protection. A feature comparison of the Bus-tech Mas and the Universal Software VTA follows.
Cost.
The USI VTA has a lower entry price point and is generally less expensive for equivalent capacity.
Scalability.
The USI VTA offers greater configurational flexibility allowing price, performance, reliability and capacity trade offs tailored to the users requirements.
Operation.
The Bus-tech Mas (and most other VTS systems) are quite dependent on mainframe tape management software. The USI VTA interfaces with any tape management software, but also provides its own built in management functions and GUI operator interface for unrivaled ease of use even without a tape manager.
Compatibility.
The USI VTA is built upon the MS Windows platform and file system. This allows incorporation of the widest possible complimentary functionality. The VTA is therefore compatible with any HSM or other Windows based software applications as well as any tape or disk or any other device which supports MS Windows. The MAS is Linux based, which may limit its compatibility.
Generic I/O System interface.
The USI VTA is also architecturally compatible with the popular GENIOS system from USI. GENIOS allows heterogeneous data interchange between IBM mainframes and open networked systems. GENIOS supports print and disk file sharing as well as tape.
Conclusion.
Virtual tape is fast becoming an essential part of the modern data center. Several new products are available which make it more affordable than ever. The Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software is one such product which provides affordable and scalable capacity with extraordinary functionality and ease of use.
posted by Prerona at 6:25 AM 0 comments
http://www.techweb.com/encyclopedia/
http://www.universalsoft.com/vtacomparisons.htm.
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
www.mainframes.com/jcl/backupHFS.txt
www.chicago-soft.com/gref/ibmlist.html
www.planetmvs.com/humour/slang.html
=================================
Virtual Tape Systems for IBM Mainframes
A comparative analysis
VTA | VTA Introduction | Questionaire | Cost Worksheets | VTA Performance | Home
Virtual Tape concepts for IBM Mainframes
Mainframe virtual tape is typically defined as magnetic tape file images stored on disk. In reality it is a little more subtle than that. Most discussions of virtual tape focus on the advantages of virtual tape vs. real tape. That begs the question, if it is better to store files on disk, why store them on tape in the first place. Since the earliest versions of OS/360 and DOS/360, programs could easily choose between disk or tape devices for data file storage. If a program was written to use tape, it is generally a trivial matter to change the program to use disk instead. In fact in most cases the program need not be changed at all, just the JCL (Job Control Language) statements which describe the input and output files used by the program.
If that is the case, why do we need “virtual tape” which uses disk but pretends to be tape? The answer is that in most data centers, there are hundreds or even thousands of jobs that are set up to use magnetic tape. Many of these jobs have been running unchanged for many years. Although changing one job to use disk is trivial, changing thousands of jobs is quite another matter.
You also might wonder why would you want to change jobs that are working perfectly to use disk instead of tape. There are many reasons to store data files on disk instead of tape. Unattended operation is probably the biggest one. The following paragraphs discuss the advantages of disk and the advantages of tape. For the most part, the advantages of virtual tape are the same as the advantages of using disk in the first place, except that existing jobs which have been set up to use tape, can now use virtual tape with little or no change. The IBM VTS home page has a very compelling white paper on the virtues of virtual tape.
Disk vs. tape for storage.
This has been a subject of ongoing debate for as long as there have been computers. For any given job or application, the best choice for storage today might not be the best choice tomorrow. Rapid advances in technology keep changing the grounds rules, ie.. those factors on which such decisions are based. For instance, although the cost of disk is still higher than the cost of tape, as it always has been, the cost of computer operators has continued to increase as the cost of computers and storage has gone down.
Advantages of tape.
Cost. The cost per megabyte of tape is still considerably less than disk as long as it is utilized to near its capacity. Most installations have many legacy tape jobs which have been in use for many years since the time when disk was extremely expensive. Even as recently as the early 1990's mainframe disk space was priced as high as $12,000.00 per gigabyte.
Portability. Tapes are removable and can be taken off site. This makes tape a good choice for backups. Tape has traditionally been used for bulk data interchange applications as well.
Scalability. Tape is infinitely scalable. You can always buy more tapes at a very small incremental cost.
Disadvantages of tape.
Operator dependence. Mounting and dismounting of tapes is quite operator intensive, especially where lots of small files are involved. Physical labeling of tapes, storing and retrieving of tapes from racks, also contribute to expensive, inefficient and error prone operation by today’s standards. Nowadays the elimination of one computer operator can pay for multi terabytes of disk storage each year, year after year.
Underutilization. Often times, tapes contain only a single relatively small file. This contributes greatly to the loss of much of the cost per megabyte advantage.
Overall throughput. In general, disk is faster than tape. When load, unload and rewind times are considered, along with operator mounting and dismounting times, the total cost advantage is usually lost.
Device contention. Only one program at a time can access a tape drive. Although tape cartridges are very inexpensive, the actual tape drives and control units are not. Additional drives equates to additional floor space and other environmental considerations in addition to the acquisition and maintenance costs for the drives.
Tape management and automated tape libraries.
The above disadvantages have been addressed in several ways. Most notably, tape file management and stacking software address the underutilization and tape labeling issues while greatly reducing operator errors. Automatic tape libraries are also available to eliminate the dependence on the operator. While these solutions may be cost justified, they are certainly not cheap. Furthermore, while file stacking addresses the underutilization issue, it is at the expense of efficient file access, especially when retrieving a file near the end of the tape.
Advantages of disk storage.
Share ability. Disk devices, also known as Dasd (direct access storage devices) can be concurrently accessed by many programs simultaneously with generally little performance impact, effectively eliminating scheduling bottlenecks.
Efficient space utilization. Generally speaking, many, many files can be stored on a single disk storage device with little wasted space.
Efficient file access. Files can be accessed and opened practically instantaneously. It is not necessary to scan past one or even several other files to reach the desired file as it is with tape files.
No operator intervention. Since generally, disk storage devices are always on line, there is no dependence on the operator. Jobs run basically unattended unless a problem occurs.
Disadvantages of disk storage.
Cost. It will always be less expensive to buy a few more tape cartridges.
Scalability. Of course you can buy more disk. You just can’t buy a ‘little bit’ more disk.
Back to the virtual tape discussion.
As has been stated earlier, the case for virtual tape vs. real tape is basically the same as the case for disk vs. tape but without the need to convert existing tape jobs individually. The point of all this is simply that all virtual tape systems have the same basic advantages over real tape as described above. Most virtual tape discussion is limited to those points presented above. Its as if each VTS vendor thinks they are the only VTS vendor.
The following paragraphs discuss the various types and approaches to virtual tape in contrast specifically to the most popular VTS system which is the Magstar VTS from IBM. The Magstar VTS was introduced in 1997 and has enjoyed great success in large MVS, OS/390 and now Z/OS installations. In general it has been considered much too expensive for use in smaller MVS and VM or VSE shops. Very recently, other VTS systems have begun to emerge, some of which are downward scalable and affordable to the smaller S/390 mainframe community. These systems are based on different technological approaches as described below.
IBM Magstar VTS.
This is by far the most sophisticated but also by far the most expensive solution. The Magstar VTS uses dedicated special purpose Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. The IBM white papers extol the virtues of virtual tape compared to real tape. These advantages are true of all virtual tape systems. In particular, the entry level cost for the Magstar VTS makes it feasible only for fairly large mainframe data centers.
Other proprietary virtual tape systems.
Storage-Tek and one or two other similar brands of VTS also use proprietary dedicated Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. They are similarly sophisticated and expensive.
Software only, virtual tape.
These systems intercept I/O requests intended for tape devices and redirect the request to utilize mainframe Dasd instead of mainframe tape. These systems are relatively inexpensive and provide unattended operation. Some of these systems use compression to minimize the use of the expensive mainframe Dasd. In most cases the mainframe Dasd is only used temporarily. The virtual tape files are then stacked and offloaded to real tape thus addressing the under utilization issue. The only drawback to this approach is the trade off of efficient accessability vs. the cost of expensive mainframe Dasd. The more mainframe Dasd is made available, the more efficient is the access to the files. However, mainframe Dasd is by far the most expensive storage medium.
Open storage virtual tape systems.
These systems utilize open network based raid disk storage for storing the virtual tape images. In general, open network storage is much less expensive than mainframe Dasd. These systems provide unattended operation, efficient use of storage, and instant accessability for the raid resident virtual tapes. These systems are generally accompanied by hierarchical storage management systems which eventually migrate some of the virtual tape files, stacking them on large capacity tapes. The concept is the same as above, but the network based storage is generally so inexpensive by comparison, that real tape is only used for long term archival purposes.
Even off site backup and disaster recovery procedures are now possible whereby mainframe backup virtual tapes are compressed and then transmitted (zipped and shipped) off site rather than having physical tapes sent by messenger. Some companies historically have created two sets of backup tapes, one to keep on site and another off site. This virtual tape approach eliminates the need for such duplication.
Comparing the various VTS systems.
The following paragraphs contrast the various VTS technologies with respect to their strengths and weaknesses.
Acquisition cost.
Least expensive to acquire per emulated tape drive are the “software only” VTS systems. However, the cost per resident on line virtual tape file is quite high due to the use of mainframe Dasd. These systems can be quite effective for temporary files and for a small number of fairly small generation data sets. For backup and disaster recovery applications these systems have certain innate limitations. For instance, if mainframe Dasd is used for the virtual tape images, then most disaster scenarios would wipe out both the master files and the backups. If the virtual backup tapes must be offloaded to tape anyway, then the original step which created the virtual tape in the first place is somewhat irrelevant. Some software only solutions include transmitting the virtual tape images to a network PC via TCP/IP. This approach puts a major strain on both mainframe CPU cycles and network bandwidth.
At the high end, the Magstar VTS and the STK VSM products are designed and priced for the very large IBM mainframe installation, primarily OS/390 and Z/OS environments. The use of dedicated, proprietary Raid storage contributes to the high acquisition cost. Reliability and serviceability through hardware redundancy is paramount with these systems. Multiple channel paths and sophisticated caching provide excellent performance but make these systems unaffordable to the smaller shop.
Channel attached VTS systems which utilize open networked storage such as the Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software provide a very affordable entry level price point while at the same time they provide virtually unlimited scalable capacity. The use of open storage and servers allows a wide range of price performance and reliability options to suit the needs of any installation, large or small.
Scalability.
Most virtual tape systems are not very scalable by their nature. The IBM Magstar and the STK VSM are examples. These systems are certainly not downward scalable due to their high entry level cost. Increasing the amount of dedicated Raid disk storage in small increments is not usually feasible either. Furthermore, the Raid storage is generally so expensive that a relatively small amount is generally purchased simply as a caching front end to an automatic tape library. At any given time, only a small percentage of the virtual tape images are on line in the Raid cache. These on line virtual tapes benefit from the direct accessability of the Raid storage, while the majority of the virtual tape files have been stacked for efficient utilization on the real, large capacity tapes in the automatic tape library. Remember, the utilization efficiency of the stacking leads to inefficient retrieval of the files further in to the real tape. Also, the automatic tape library itself is not very scalable. You are normally advised to buy more ATL capacity than you will ever need because when you run out of slots you can’t simply just buy “a few more slots”.
The software only VTS systems are only as scalable as the extra available mainframe Dasd capacity allows.
Open storage based VTS systems like the USI Virtual Tape Appliance, are extremely scalable by contrast however. They are very affordable at low capacity entry levels, and adding more capacity in small increments is as simple as adding another NAS device, or another server to the network. In fact, reliable open network storage is now so affordable that it is often feasible to have all the virtual tape images or certainly a high percentage of them always on line in Raid storage. If an ATL back end is required, there are many more network compatible brands and models to choose from, for the ATL as well as the Raid Dasd itself. You are not locked in to the few more expensive mainframe compatible brands. The use of open file systems for the virtual tapes also opens the door to the use of any of several brands of HSM( Hierarchical Storage Management) packages as well. The HSM software manages the movement of the virtual tape images between the Raid and an Automatic Tape Library.
Performance.
Almost all the Virtual tape solutions perform well compared with real tape, especially when rewind and operator mount times are considered.. Device scheduling, reduced reruns due to operator errors are additional throughput considerations. When comparing the performance of the various VTS systems one to another, an ironic observation becomes apparent. Virtual tape systems perform very well as long as the virtual tape image is in disk cache. When the virtual tape has been migrated off to an Automatic Tape Library, the VTS performance suffers a double whammy. It takes longer to access the virtual tape file, especially if the file has been stacked near the end of a large capacity reel. Secondly, the virtual tape must then be reloaded to the cache in its entirety before it can be opened by the mainframe. The net effect of this is that the ratio of tape files online in cache vs. those which have been offloaded to real tape, becomes an important determinating factor of overall performance. The irony is that the high end systems are the most adversely affected by this factor because of cost. In fact, reliable, open networked storage has become so inexpensive and so easily extended that you may be able to keep all your tape images on disk. Real tape can then be reserved for long term archival purposes or for files which must be shipped to another data center for instance. Even backup and disaster recovery tapes may not necessarily be required to be offloaded. Current high bandwidth communications, along with compression, snap shot capability, remote mirroring and other state of the art storage technologies enable very affordable off site backup and restore via network transmission, without the need for shipping real tapes by courier.
Summary.
Virtual tape has many advantages over real tape, and will most often yield a rapid return on investment. If you have not yet invested in the high end IBM or STK solution, you should investigate an open storage based VTS system. These systems provide very affordable, scalable, reliable and efficient virtual tape capability while providing excellent investment protection. A feature comparison of the Bus-tech Mas and the Universal Software VTA follows.
Cost.
The USI VTA has a lower entry price point and is generally less expensive for equivalent capacity.
Scalability.
The USI VTA offers greater configurational flexibility allowing price, performance, reliability and capacity trade offs tailored to the users requirements.
Operation.
The Bus-tech Mas (and most other VTS systems) are quite dependent on mainframe tape management software. The USI VTA interfaces with any tape management software, but also provides its own built in management functions and GUI operator interface for unrivaled ease of use even without a tape manager.
Compatibility.
The USI VTA is built upon the MS Windows platform and file system. This allows incorporation of the widest possible complimentary functionality. The VTA is therefore compatible with any HSM or other Windows based software applications as well as any tape or disk or any other device which supports MS Windows. The MAS is Linux based, which may limit its compatibility.
Generic I/O System interface.
The USI VTA is also architecturally compatible with the popular GENIOS system from USI. GENIOS allows heterogeneous data interchange between IBM mainframes and open networked systems. GENIOS supports print and disk file sharing as well as tape.
Conclusion.
Virtual tape is fast becoming an essential part of the modern data center. Several new products are available which make it more affordable than ever. The Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software is one such product which provides affordable and scalable capacity with extraordinary functionality and ease of use.
posted by Prerona at 6:25 AM 0 comments
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
http://www.techweb.com/encyclopedia/
http://www.universalsoft.com/vtacomparisons.htm.
http://www.sysprog.net/storage.html
www.mainframes.com/jcl/backupHFS.txt
www.chicago-soft.com/gref/ibmlist.html
www.planetmvs.com/humour/slang.html
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Virtual Tape Systems for IBM Mainframes
A comparative analysis
VTA | VTA Introduction | Questionaire | Cost Worksheets | VTA Performance | Home
Virtual Tape concepts for IBM Mainframes
Mainframe virtual tape is typically defined as magnetic tape file images stored on disk. In reality it is a little more subtle than that. Most discussions of virtual tape focus on the advantages of virtual tape vs. real tape. That begs the question, if it is better to store files on disk, why store them on tape in the first place. Since the earliest versions of OS/360 and DOS/360, programs could easily choose between disk or tape devices for data file storage. If a program was written to use tape, it is generally a trivial matter to change the program to use disk instead. In fact in most cases the program need not be changed at all, just the JCL (Job Control Language) statements which describe the input and output files used by the program.
If that is the case, why do we need “virtual tape” which uses disk but pretends to be tape? The answer is that in most data centers, there are hundreds or even thousands of jobs that are set up to use magnetic tape. Many of these jobs have been running unchanged for many years. Although changing one job to use disk is trivial, changing thousands of jobs is quite another matter.
You also might wonder why would you want to change jobs that are working perfectly to use disk instead of tape. There are many reasons to store data files on disk instead of tape. Unattended operation is probably the biggest one. The following paragraphs discuss the advantages of disk and the advantages of tape. For the most part, the advantages of virtual tape are the same as the advantages of using disk in the first place, except that existing jobs which have been set up to use tape, can now use virtual tape with little or no change. The IBM VTS home page has a very compelling white paper on the virtues of virtual tape.
Disk vs. tape for storage.
This has been a subject of ongoing debate for as long as there have been computers. For any given job or application, the best choice for storage today might not be the best choice tomorrow. Rapid advances in technology keep changing the grounds rules, ie.. those factors on which such decisions are based. For instance, although the cost of disk is still higher than the cost of tape, as it always has been, the cost of computer operators has continued to increase as the cost of computers and storage has gone down.
Advantages of tape.
Cost. The cost per megabyte of tape is still considerably less than disk as long as it is utilized to near its capacity. Most installations have many legacy tape jobs which have been in use for many years since the time when disk was extremely expensive. Even as recently as the early 1990's mainframe disk space was priced as high as $12,000.00 per gigabyte.
Portability. Tapes are removable and can be taken off site. This makes tape a good choice for backups. Tape has traditionally been used for bulk data interchange applications as well.
Scalability. Tape is infinitely scalable. You can always buy more tapes at a very small incremental cost.
Disadvantages of tape.
Operator dependence. Mounting and dismounting of tapes is quite operator intensive, especially where lots of small files are involved. Physical labeling of tapes, storing and retrieving of tapes from racks, also contribute to expensive, inefficient and error prone operation by today’s standards. Nowadays the elimination of one computer operator can pay for multi terabytes of disk storage each year, year after year.
Underutilization. Often times, tapes contain only a single relatively small file. This contributes greatly to the loss of much of the cost per megabyte advantage.
Overall throughput. In general, disk is faster than tape. When load, unload and rewind times are considered, along with operator mounting and dismounting times, the total cost advantage is usually lost.
Device contention. Only one program at a time can access a tape drive. Although tape cartridges are very inexpensive, the actual tape drives and control units are not. Additional drives equates to additional floor space and other environmental considerations in addition to the acquisition and maintenance costs for the drives.
Tape management and automated tape libraries.
The above disadvantages have been addressed in several ways. Most notably, tape file management and stacking software address the underutilization and tape labeling issues while greatly reducing operator errors. Automatic tape libraries are also available to eliminate the dependence on the operator. While these solutions may be cost justified, they are certainly not cheap. Furthermore, while file stacking addresses the underutilization issue, it is at the expense of efficient file access, especially when retrieving a file near the end of the tape.
Advantages of disk storage.
Share ability. Disk devices, also known as Dasd (direct access storage devices) can be concurrently accessed by many programs simultaneously with generally little performance impact, effectively eliminating scheduling bottlenecks.
Efficient space utilization. Generally speaking, many, many files can be stored on a single disk storage device with little wasted space.
Efficient file access. Files can be accessed and opened practically instantaneously. It is not necessary to scan past one or even several other files to reach the desired file as it is with tape files.
No operator intervention. Since generally, disk storage devices are always on line, there is no dependence on the operator. Jobs run basically unattended unless a problem occurs.
Disadvantages of disk storage.
Cost. It will always be less expensive to buy a few more tape cartridges.
Scalability. Of course you can buy more disk. You just can’t buy a ‘little bit’ more disk.
Back to the virtual tape discussion.
As has been stated earlier, the case for virtual tape vs. real tape is basically the same as the case for disk vs. tape but without the need to convert existing tape jobs individually. The point of all this is simply that all virtual tape systems have the same basic advantages over real tape as described above. Most virtual tape discussion is limited to those points presented above. Its as if each VTS vendor thinks they are the only VTS vendor.
The following paragraphs discuss the various types and approaches to virtual tape in contrast specifically to the most popular VTS system which is the Magstar VTS from IBM. The Magstar VTS was introduced in 1997 and has enjoyed great success in large MVS, OS/390 and now Z/OS installations. In general it has been considered much too expensive for use in smaller MVS and VM or VSE shops. Very recently, other VTS systems have begun to emerge, some of which are downward scalable and affordable to the smaller S/390 mainframe community. These systems are based on different technological approaches as described below.
IBM Magstar VTS.
This is by far the most sophisticated but also by far the most expensive solution. The Magstar VTS uses dedicated special purpose Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. The IBM white papers extol the virtues of virtual tape compared to real tape. These advantages are true of all virtual tape systems. In particular, the entry level cost for the Magstar VTS makes it feasible only for fairly large mainframe data centers.
Other proprietary virtual tape systems.
Storage-Tek and one or two other similar brands of VTS also use proprietary dedicated Raid storage to house the virtual tape images. They are similarly sophisticated and expensive.
Software only, virtual tape.
These systems intercept I/O requests intended for tape devices and redirect the request to utilize mainframe Dasd instead of mainframe tape. These systems are relatively inexpensive and provide unattended operation. Some of these systems use compression to minimize the use of the expensive mainframe Dasd. In most cases the mainframe Dasd is only used temporarily. The virtual tape files are then stacked and offloaded to real tape thus addressing the under utilization issue. The only drawback to this approach is the trade off of efficient accessability vs. the cost of expensive mainframe Dasd. The more mainframe Dasd is made available, the more efficient is the access to the files. However, mainframe Dasd is by far the most expensive storage medium.
Open storage virtual tape systems.
These systems utilize open network based raid disk storage for storing the virtual tape images. In general, open network storage is much less expensive than mainframe Dasd. These systems provide unattended operation, efficient use of storage, and instant accessability for the raid resident virtual tapes. These systems are generally accompanied by hierarchical storage management systems which eventually migrate some of the virtual tape files, stacking them on large capacity tapes. The concept is the same as above, but the network based storage is generally so inexpensive by comparison, that real tape is only used for long term archival purposes.
Even off site backup and disaster recovery procedures are now possible whereby mainframe backup virtual tapes are compressed and then transmitted (zipped and shipped) off site rather than having physical tapes sent by messenger. Some companies historically have created two sets of backup tapes, one to keep on site and another off site. This virtual tape approach eliminates the need for such duplication.
Comparing the various VTS systems.
The following paragraphs contrast the various VTS technologies with respect to their strengths and weaknesses.
Acquisition cost.
Least expensive to acquire per emulated tape drive are the “software only” VTS systems. However, the cost per resident on line virtual tape file is quite high due to the use of mainframe Dasd. These systems can be quite effective for temporary files and for a small number of fairly small generation data sets. For backup and disaster recovery applications these systems have certain innate limitations. For instance, if mainframe Dasd is used for the virtual tape images, then most disaster scenarios would wipe out both the master files and the backups. If the virtual backup tapes must be offloaded to tape anyway, then the original step which created the virtual tape in the first place is somewhat irrelevant. Some software only solutions include transmitting the virtual tape images to a network PC via TCP/IP. This approach puts a major strain on both mainframe CPU cycles and network bandwidth.
At the high end, the Magstar VTS and the STK VSM products are designed and priced for the very large IBM mainframe installation, primarily OS/390 and Z/OS environments. The use of dedicated, proprietary Raid storage contributes to the high acquisition cost. Reliability and serviceability through hardware redundancy is paramount with these systems. Multiple channel paths and sophisticated caching provide excellent performance but make these systems unaffordable to the smaller shop.
Channel attached VTS systems which utilize open networked storage such as the Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software provide a very affordable entry level price point while at the same time they provide virtually unlimited scalable capacity. The use of open storage and servers allows a wide range of price performance and reliability options to suit the needs of any installation, large or small.
Scalability.
Most virtual tape systems are not very scalable by their nature. The IBM Magstar and the STK VSM are examples. These systems are certainly not downward scalable due to their high entry level cost. Increasing the amount of dedicated Raid disk storage in small increments is not usually feasible either. Furthermore, the Raid storage is generally so expensive that a relatively small amount is generally purchased simply as a caching front end to an automatic tape library. At any given time, only a small percentage of the virtual tape images are on line in the Raid cache. These on line virtual tapes benefit from the direct accessability of the Raid storage, while the majority of the virtual tape files have been stacked for efficient utilization on the real, large capacity tapes in the automatic tape library. Remember, the utilization efficiency of the stacking leads to inefficient retrieval of the files further in to the real tape. Also, the automatic tape library itself is not very scalable. You are normally advised to buy more ATL capacity than you will ever need because when you run out of slots you can’t simply just buy “a few more slots”.
The software only VTS systems are only as scalable as the extra available mainframe Dasd capacity allows.
Open storage based VTS systems like the USI Virtual Tape Appliance, are extremely scalable by contrast however. They are very affordable at low capacity entry levels, and adding more capacity in small increments is as simple as adding another NAS device, or another server to the network. In fact, reliable open network storage is now so affordable that it is often feasible to have all the virtual tape images or certainly a high percentage of them always on line in Raid storage. If an ATL back end is required, there are many more network compatible brands and models to choose from, for the ATL as well as the Raid Dasd itself. You are not locked in to the few more expensive mainframe compatible brands. The use of open file systems for the virtual tapes also opens the door to the use of any of several brands of HSM( Hierarchical Storage Management) packages as well. The HSM software manages the movement of the virtual tape images between the Raid and an Automatic Tape Library.
Performance.
Almost all the Virtual tape solutions perform well compared with real tape, especially when rewind and operator mount times are considered.. Device scheduling, reduced reruns due to operator errors are additional throughput considerations. When comparing the performance of the various VTS systems one to another, an ironic observation becomes apparent. Virtual tape systems perform very well as long as the virtual tape image is in disk cache. When the virtual tape has been migrated off to an Automatic Tape Library, the VTS performance suffers a double whammy. It takes longer to access the virtual tape file, especially if the file has been stacked near the end of a large capacity reel. Secondly, the virtual tape must then be reloaded to the cache in its entirety before it can be opened by the mainframe. The net effect of this is that the ratio of tape files online in cache vs. those which have been offloaded to real tape, becomes an important determinating factor of overall performance. The irony is that the high end systems are the most adversely affected by this factor because of cost. In fact, reliable, open networked storage has become so inexpensive and so easily extended that you may be able to keep all your tape images on disk. Real tape can then be reserved for long term archival purposes or for files which must be shipped to another data center for instance. Even backup and disaster recovery tapes may not necessarily be required to be offloaded. Current high bandwidth communications, along with compression, snap shot capability, remote mirroring and other state of the art storage technologies enable very affordable off site backup and restore via network transmission, without the need for shipping real tapes by courier.
Summary.
Virtual tape has many advantages over real tape, and will most often yield a rapid return on investment. If you have not yet invested in the high end IBM or STK solution, you should investigate an open storage based VTS system. These systems provide very affordable, scalable, reliable and efficient virtual tape capability while providing excellent investment protection. A feature comparison of the Bus-tech Mas and the Universal Software VTA follows.
Cost.
The USI VTA has a lower entry price point and is generally less expensive for equivalent capacity.
Scalability.
The USI VTA offers greater configurational flexibility allowing price, performance, reliability and capacity trade offs tailored to the users requirements.
Operation.
The Bus-tech Mas (and most other VTS systems) are quite dependent on mainframe tape management software. The USI VTA interfaces with any tape management software, but also provides its own built in management functions and GUI operator interface for unrivaled ease of use even without a tape manager.
Compatibility.
The USI VTA is built upon the MS Windows platform and file system. This allows incorporation of the widest possible complimentary functionality. The VTA is therefore compatible with any HSM or other Windows based software applications as well as any tape or disk or any other device which supports MS Windows. The MAS is Linux based, which may limit its compatibility.
Generic I/O System interface.
The USI VTA is also architecturally compatible with the popular GENIOS system from USI. GENIOS allows heterogeneous data interchange between IBM mainframes and open networked systems. GENIOS supports print and disk file sharing as well as tape.
Conclusion.
Virtual tape is fast becoming an essential part of the modern data center. Several new products are available which make it more affordable than ever. The Virtual Tape Appliance from Universal Software is one such product which provides affordable and scalable capacity with extraordinary functionality and ease of use.
posted by Prerona at 6:25 AM 0 comments
friday morning blues
i met up with juls after ages. i used to be a monster, now ive become a snake. the more ilove you - the more ill treat u like shit. grin. its a test. its a rodeo. its a scorp thing :) i almost didnt go over ... so much laziness??? no ... i was just tired. so tired. as usual. anyway, came back at 9 from work. went over to juls' at 11. co-bashed adit on the phone. he didnt come. dog. trying to meet him for breakfast tomorrow! good god. lets see. spoke to brat. spoke to chatts. met ad. met juls. will that give me a chance? maybe. lets see. with adit, i talked. for the first time since i came back i talked to someone about everything. but even chatts, even ad - dont know it all. i need to talk to them. i need them. im lost in the fog in side me. im stumbling in the darkness within me. i know it doesnt matter but it still hurts. he hurt me so much. u hurt me so much. u were my friend. i trusted you more than ive ever trusted a stranger from the other world. but u were from the other world after all. its for the best. such friendships would never work. u would think me to intense whenever i dropped the mask of dumb jokes and smart puns. and i would think u too shallow. but it hurts. u were my friend. and i loved you. like f mad ... anyway - its alright - its ok. ill be fine. theres no one really. if u want to reach out, theres no one there. no one that matters. no one who wouldnt make u feel like saying shutup and leave me alone its none of ur f business. so its wrong to say noone cares - isnt it. its just that the right people dont care ... or that i cant reach them. cant come out and say this is what the matter is. :)
but what the hell ... its a weekend!
eat, sleep and be merry!
im also toying with the idea of closing the blog. its not about the fact that i churn out mindless drivel, but about the publicity factor. and it about how bad i am at keeping this non personal. almost as bad as i am at geting personal in real life ;)
the sleep in ur voice
pulls at strings, i didnt know existed
u make me feel
soft and tender, and raw
in places i didnt never visited, or known
in dark back alleys, of my soul
but the sleep in ur voice
drags on heart
makes me wanna rub my hands
on my heart
to take away the funny feeling
and im distracted
from what ur saying
all i wanna do i hold you
and snuggle up with you
but ur so far away
lost in unreachable tomorrows and yesterdays ...
and im stuck here
in a land of ghosts and shadows, i couldnt leave if i wanted to
cz im one of them too
so i nod my head sharply
and hope im make the right noises
and tell u everything will be ok
but its strange how it felt
when i spent the last week thinking
how its all pointless after all
and that i never feel anything at all
a phantom of my imagination
or are you someone real, somewhere
give me a clue, how do i find you,
or do i give up? Im tired ...
but what the hell ... its a weekend!
eat, sleep and be merry!
im also toying with the idea of closing the blog. its not about the fact that i churn out mindless drivel, but about the publicity factor. and it about how bad i am at keeping this non personal. almost as bad as i am at geting personal in real life ;)
the sleep in ur voice
pulls at strings, i didnt know existed
u make me feel
soft and tender, and raw
in places i didnt never visited, or known
in dark back alleys, of my soul
but the sleep in ur voice
drags on heart
makes me wanna rub my hands
on my heart
to take away the funny feeling
and im distracted
from what ur saying
all i wanna do i hold you
and snuggle up with you
but ur so far away
lost in unreachable tomorrows and yesterdays ...
and im stuck here
in a land of ghosts and shadows, i couldnt leave if i wanted to
cz im one of them too
so i nod my head sharply
and hope im make the right noises
and tell u everything will be ok
but its strange how it felt
when i spent the last week thinking
how its all pointless after all
and that i never feel anything at all
a phantom of my imagination
or are you someone real, somewhere
give me a clue, how do i find you,
or do i give up? Im tired ...
another week is over
another weekend is here
i know it will fly past
i wont get anywhere
now that the party is over
now that the battles are fought and lost
i need some time
to sit and think
but though i sit for hours alone,
in some forgotten corner of my mind ...
the thoughts wont form
my minds a swirling sea of madness
i meet old friends, i spin old tales
nobody sees, whats inside of me
nobosy sees beyond the skies that shine blue
theeres a storm, theres rain, theres you
another weekend is here
i know it will fly past
i wont get anywhere
now that the party is over
now that the battles are fought and lost
i need some time
to sit and think
but though i sit for hours alone,
in some forgotten corner of my mind ...
the thoughts wont form
my minds a swirling sea of madness
i meet old friends, i spin old tales
nobody sees, whats inside of me
nobosy sees beyond the skies that shine blue
theeres a storm, theres rain, theres you
what if life was self designed
what if life was like that moment in the pub in vanilla sky ... where he realises that anything he wants will happen all around him?
where would you be and how would you be,
if you could be, everything, anything you wanted to be, with no comebacks?
just for today? id be in the kothrud flat, with the rain crashing just like this, and all my music and my byron, and adit and chatts. and id rain. like its raining today
ive been listening to this song on repeat for the last few days whenever Im home
Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as i stand inside the rain
Everybody knows
That baby's got new clothes
But lately i see her ribbons an' her bows
Have fallen from her curls.
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
An' she aches just like a woman
But she breaks like a little girl.
when night falls
and the clowns retire
theres noone in the chairs to see
white paint broken by 2 brown lines
rivers, hiccups of fear & pain
when everyone in the show has gone home again
the clowns rain
what if life was like that moment in the pub in vanilla sky ... where he realises that anything he wants will happen all around him?
where would you be and how would you be,
if you could be, everything, anything you wanted to be, with no comebacks?
just for today? id be in the kothrud flat, with the rain crashing just like this, and all my music and my byron, and adit and chatts. and id rain. like its raining today
ive been listening to this song on repeat for the last few days whenever Im home
Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as i stand inside the rain
Everybody knows
That baby's got new clothes
But lately i see her ribbons an' her bows
Have fallen from her curls.
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
An' she aches just like a woman
But she breaks like a little girl.
when night falls
and the clowns retire
theres noone in the chairs to see
white paint broken by 2 brown lines
rivers, hiccups of fear & pain
when everyone in the show has gone home again
the clowns rain
faith
and old poem I found on my site - i dont remember when i wrote it or why ...
"somehow it all went astray,
but whats another dream broken?
in a life turned night of nightmares
this was just an infant still
this star that briefly appeared
on the horizon dark dismal
went up in splendrous bright sparks
in a shower fallen
to a puddle on the floor
and dried,
like a sticky trail of tears on ur face
invisible to everyone
but you who can feel the stickines still"
today turned arond
bumped into yesterday
couldnt look her in the eye
and still keep straight face
marathon spring cleaning over the weekend. my favourite kind of cozy 'tucked into my room' type weekend. gallons of old old old letters, diaries, cards, concert tickets, KY mem'lia and what not!
its so hard to believe we wrote and said all those things ... it was sweet, funny, cute, touching. i was laughing and crying all at once.
so many lists ... a HHPB checklist - wont write what that is - but it was very funny. no wonder it was never met! dogs, kids and bungee jumping .... crossed with brecht and archer ... kk and floyd and ravi-shankar and hemanta ... and then ghalib too ... too much! guess i have a us & them problem. I cant trust us and i cant get along with them.
a friend, a very dear friend, is getting engaged. mixed feelings. how many married friends do you have. not that aquaintance friends - but real friend. not people u hang out with, but real friends. people change after they pair up ... Juls, Sauce ... ??? anyway - its for the best. Im happy. Im really happy.
song in my head - a blast from the past ... heard it in the car next to me - stuck in jam while driving to work this morning
"i know all the games u play,
cz I play them too.
need some time off from that emotion ... "
"somehow it all went astray,
but whats another dream broken?
in a life turned night of nightmares
this was just an infant still
this star that briefly appeared
on the horizon dark dismal
went up in splendrous bright sparks
in a shower fallen
to a puddle on the floor
and dried,
like a sticky trail of tears on ur face
invisible to everyone
but you who can feel the stickines still"
today turned arond
bumped into yesterday
couldnt look her in the eye
and still keep straight face
marathon spring cleaning over the weekend. my favourite kind of cozy 'tucked into my room' type weekend. gallons of old old old letters, diaries, cards, concert tickets, KY mem'lia and what not!
its so hard to believe we wrote and said all those things ... it was sweet, funny, cute, touching. i was laughing and crying all at once.
so many lists ... a HHPB checklist - wont write what that is - but it was very funny. no wonder it was never met! dogs, kids and bungee jumping .... crossed with brecht and archer ... kk and floyd and ravi-shankar and hemanta ... and then ghalib too ... too much! guess i have a us & them problem. I cant trust us and i cant get along with them.
a friend, a very dear friend, is getting engaged. mixed feelings. how many married friends do you have. not that aquaintance friends - but real friend. not people u hang out with, but real friends. people change after they pair up ... Juls, Sauce ... ??? anyway - its for the best. Im happy. Im really happy.
song in my head - a blast from the past ... heard it in the car next to me - stuck in jam while driving to work this morning
"i know all the games u play,
cz I play them too.
need some time off from that emotion ... "
cz friends will be friends
what do you do when
someone u barely knew a few months back, thinks about you, believes in you, tells you u might break through, and fair blows ur mind with the realisation that suddenly, out of the stark, bleak midnight blue some stranger, another new aquaintance is knocking on the threshold of becoming a Friend.
when someone u trusted and honoured in the world inside you, someone you loved and cared for, relied on ... someone you called Friend, just fades away into the black oblivion of those who faded away.
when someone you have begun to care for loses someone they care for? there are no words that will not sound superficial, there is nothing that will not sound superfluous ... theres nothing you can do that can be done ... you can just wait and watch and feel bad for her feeling bad and wish you could divert some of it away.
Anyway - another weekend is here. I will live. Recharge. And Sleep blissful Sleep!!!
someone u barely knew a few months back, thinks about you, believes in you, tells you u might break through, and fair blows ur mind with the realisation that suddenly, out of the stark, bleak midnight blue some stranger, another new aquaintance is knocking on the threshold of becoming a Friend.
when someone u trusted and honoured in the world inside you, someone you loved and cared for, relied on ... someone you called Friend, just fades away into the black oblivion of those who faded away.
when someone you have begun to care for loses someone they care for? there are no words that will not sound superficial, there is nothing that will not sound superfluous ... theres nothing you can do that can be done ... you can just wait and watch and feel bad for her feeling bad and wish you could divert some of it away.
Anyway - another weekend is here. I will live. Recharge. And Sleep blissful Sleep!!!
its a brand new day
in life, everything rolls around
everything finishes and starts again
and we live, in segments
in some ways, the way I was yesterday ... 10 years ago, 10 days ago, 10 mins ago ... seems so different from here and now; and in some ways, so similar!
i still carry the same fears, weaknesses, the same impossible dreams and schemes, and the same stubborn determination in all too rare streaks and fits
im stuck. im stuck inhere and now. and i need to get out. soon.
this wont work. it cant. its another impossible jump into empty space. i dont have the stuff you need to make things like this work.
someone used to tell me im like a turtle ... you have to spend ages coaxing me out, and then theres one small false move, and i rush back in .... some shells protect the outside. theres acid inside
i came to work late today. very late. wanted to wish a friend after he woke up. and there was no other way. why is it so hard to say everything u want to say
drove to work. it took me 40 mins to cross 2 blocks - my house to gariahat! packed traffic! gotto stay till late. anyway - i cant drive in the regular office time traffic -so i would have waited for it to cool anyway ...
i need a break. i need a weekend. and behold a weekend is here :)
i need someone to talk to. not SOMEONE ... but chatts or ad or barb ... no else will do. i need an old old friend. new friends are great to love and care for a laugh with. but to talk - u need the ones who know ... the ones who have held ur quivering, shivering soul in a gentle curving palm cup ... when u were falling, breaking, cracking up, when ur soul is shrivelled to a pinpoint in the dark ... so many times before.
everything finishes and starts again
and we live, in segments
in some ways, the way I was yesterday ... 10 years ago, 10 days ago, 10 mins ago ... seems so different from here and now; and in some ways, so similar!
i still carry the same fears, weaknesses, the same impossible dreams and schemes, and the same stubborn determination in all too rare streaks and fits
im stuck. im stuck inhere and now. and i need to get out. soon.
this wont work. it cant. its another impossible jump into empty space. i dont have the stuff you need to make things like this work.
someone used to tell me im like a turtle ... you have to spend ages coaxing me out, and then theres one small false move, and i rush back in .... some shells protect the outside. theres acid inside
i came to work late today. very late. wanted to wish a friend after he woke up. and there was no other way. why is it so hard to say everything u want to say
drove to work. it took me 40 mins to cross 2 blocks - my house to gariahat! packed traffic! gotto stay till late. anyway - i cant drive in the regular office time traffic -so i would have waited for it to cool anyway ...
i need a break. i need a weekend. and behold a weekend is here :)
i need someone to talk to. not SOMEONE ... but chatts or ad or barb ... no else will do. i need an old old friend. new friends are great to love and care for a laugh with. but to talk - u need the ones who know ... the ones who have held ur quivering, shivering soul in a gentle curving palm cup ... when u were falling, breaking, cracking up, when ur soul is shrivelled to a pinpoint in the dark ... so many times before.
lifes like that
she pulls me down
she makes me cry
she laughs at me
she makes me laugh with her
she holds my hand
as she makes me tumble
she keeps me moving
even when i cant get up, anymore
she is stands by my bed while i toss and turn
through the darkest storms of the night
she hides surprises
at every corner
she pulls me out, maddeningly
of my crazy races that i crazily run ...
with myself
she pulls me aside and while my heart still races
she talks to my mind,
and she teaches me some more
always more
sometimes i hate her. cant wait for it to be over
sometimes I love her. cant get enough.
lifes like that you see.
and another fear
more secret, moregaurded
at 9, i thought you the coolest, most grownup, suavest, bond' in the world
at 29, i suspect that you, underneath ur cool, smooth exterior, are perhaps as soft as i can sometimes be
and it seems that ive loved u a lifetime ...
that you wont , actually, run away when i cry
that i wont have to keep laughing always - even when i hate to
and the fear is finding out im wrong ...
i laugh. i clown about. i make people laugh
but i cry too. i cry a lot. and its usually scary for people to watch
cz there no way they can reach me - i have withdrawn and the shutters have fallen
boom crash bang ... shut tight in place
with a vacant look in front
or a shallow smile
which does who know never trust
i cry sometimes for no reason
like i laugh sometimes, for no reason
or i cry bcz a sunrise is so beautiful
or a moment so sweet
or a feeling so immense
or life is splendrous
i wanted to cry that night
in ur eyes
when u smiled and said
why u looking so intense
i wanted to cry bcz i saw the end of the moment approaching
and i wanted it to last
for a lifetime
because i have come so gfar
because i am so tired
because i love you so much
i may have never loved very well
been very good at loving
my cold, hard, seeking, searching, eagles heart ... to fixed on the horizon
to glued to the road - to stop, to be soft, to listen
but in that moment i loved you
enough for an eternity
she makes me cry
she laughs at me
she makes me laugh with her
she holds my hand
as she makes me tumble
she keeps me moving
even when i cant get up, anymore
she is stands by my bed while i toss and turn
through the darkest storms of the night
she hides surprises
at every corner
she pulls me out, maddeningly
of my crazy races that i crazily run ...
with myself
she pulls me aside and while my heart still races
she talks to my mind,
and she teaches me some more
always more
sometimes i hate her. cant wait for it to be over
sometimes I love her. cant get enough.
lifes like that you see.
and another fear
more secret, moregaurded
at 9, i thought you the coolest, most grownup, suavest, bond' in the world
at 29, i suspect that you, underneath ur cool, smooth exterior, are perhaps as soft as i can sometimes be
and it seems that ive loved u a lifetime ...
that you wont , actually, run away when i cry
that i wont have to keep laughing always - even when i hate to
and the fear is finding out im wrong ...
i laugh. i clown about. i make people laugh
but i cry too. i cry a lot. and its usually scary for people to watch
cz there no way they can reach me - i have withdrawn and the shutters have fallen
boom crash bang ... shut tight in place
with a vacant look in front
or a shallow smile
which does who know never trust
i cry sometimes for no reason
like i laugh sometimes, for no reason
or i cry bcz a sunrise is so beautiful
or a moment so sweet
or a feeling so immense
or life is splendrous
i wanted to cry that night
in ur eyes
when u smiled and said
why u looking so intense
i wanted to cry bcz i saw the end of the moment approaching
and i wanted it to last
for a lifetime
because i have come so gfar
because i am so tired
because i love you so much
i may have never loved very well
been very good at loving
my cold, hard, seeking, searching, eagles heart ... to fixed on the horizon
to glued to the road - to stop, to be soft, to listen
but in that moment i loved you
enough for an eternity